Ready to be parents

Are You Ready to Be a Parent?

Medically reviewed by Scientific Advisory Board — By Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. on May 17, 2016

From the moment you know you are pregnant or are part of a pregnant partnership, you are a parent. Even if the pregnancy ends in miscarriage, abortion, or giving the child up for adoption, the memory and effect of having started a new life will be with you always. If you birth or adopt a child to raise, your life is forever taken down a different path. You now have a child to nurture and care for and worry about.

If you are questioning your readiness for pregnancy and parenting, you are already ahead of the game. Becoming a parent is serious business. It should be taken seriously. Here are some issues to think hard about while considering becoming a mom or dad. They are in no particular order. All of them are important.

Do you want a child for the right reasons?

Children should never be brought into the world because the parent needs love. The love of a child is not a substitute for the love of a parent, a partner or friends. Yes, loving our children gets us some loving but that’s a byproduct, not the primary reason we have them. Our job is to be filling them up emotionally, not the other way around.

Children should never be brought into the world to solve a problem. They should not be born to get the relatives off your back, to hold onto a boyfriend, to ensure an inheritance, or to try to bring a couple closer. When a baby is conceived to solve a problem, it almost inevitably fails. Now the problem is still there and there is a baby to care for.

Children should be born to people who want to spread their love, who see raising a child as the next big adventure in their life and who are committed to the idea that families are an important and valuable part of living fully.

Is your relationship stable?

Do an honest assessment of your couple-readiness. Every relationship takes a fair amount of neglect during the first year of a child’s life. Both parents are stretched by too little sleep, more financial demands, and less time for each other. This is normal. If the relationship is solid, you will both take it in stride. But if you and your partner aren’t really committed, can’t communicate, or don’t know how to work as a team, the usual responsibilities of baby care may stress your relationship to the max. Do you both have the commitment and the tools to make it work?

If you are doing this solo, do you have enough support?

Being a single parent isn’t easy. But with 40 percent of U.S. children now born to single parents, it is becoming more and more common. If you don’t have a partner, do you have other willing support people in your life? It’s crucial to the well-being of you and your child that there is someone who is a constant source of love and attention and help. That someone can be a grandparent, a best friend, or another single parent you team up with. What matters is that she or he is a person who is willing to be called at 3 a.m. if there is an emergency and is able to give you an hour or two off if you desperately need a nap or have to go to an appointment without taking junior or juniorette along for the ride.

Are you prepared to put someone else’s needs ahead of your own?

Are you finished with partying and doing things spontaneously? Once a baby is in the picture, these things become rarer. Babies need a predictable schedule. They need your full attention. If the choice is to stay home with a teething baby or to go to a party, your child needs you to say no to the party without a second thought. Your baby’s needs for comfort and attention should be far more important than your desire to get out of the house.

Will you resent it if you have to give up having things you want because of what the baby needs?

Unless you are well off, chances are there will be many times that you will have to forego getting a new pair of sneakers or a new electronic device or a better whatever because your child needs new shoes or better food or braces or whatever. Part of being a good parent is feeling good about ourselves for being able to provide what a child needs even when it means putting off something we want to have.

Can you realistically afford it?

Babies cost money — lots of money. It’s amazing how a little 8-pound infant starts using up the dollars. It only gets worse as kids get bigger. The USDA’s final cost estimate to raise a child from birth through the child’s 18th birthday was $234,900 in 2011! Federal and state assistance is enough to help a family get by but just barely. To give your child and yourself a good life, you need a good job, a working partner, substantial savings, or to win the lottery. If you don’t have one or more of those, think again before getting pregnant.

Do you know how to parent?

You’ve probably heard: Babies don’t come with an owner’s manual. Every healthy child tests their parents and the limits pretty regularly. If you don’t think you know how to be the kind of parent you would like to be, how will you learn? Are there older parents in your life who can be your mentors? Are there local parent education or support groups?

The decision to make a family by birthing or adopting a child is complicated. None of these questions lends themselves to an easy yes or no answer. But by thinking about them and by talking about them with a partner or other people who will be your main supporters, you can help yourself make a wise decision. In fact, if you do go ahead and bring a child into your life, thinking through these issues will make you a better parent.

Signs You Should Have a Baby

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You both need to be on board.

Kelly Sikkema/Unsplash

There are subtle ways that prove that you are ready to be a parent.
Being financially independent isn't the only way to know that you're ready.
If your partner shows good parenting potential and has expressed wanting to be a parent, you may be more prepared than you think.
Loving other people's children is also a strong sign.

Any woman who's hit the age of 30 is probably familiar with statements that reference the ticking of her "biological clock." Whether it comes from family members, coworkers, friends, or doctors, the burning question is always "isn't it time for you to have a baby now?"

Though their words may be harmless, having a baby is not something that you should decide to do just because you've hit a certain age or because those around you are pushing you to do so.

The only thing that should make you want to have a baby is if you are ready to have a baby, and Caleb Backe, health and wellness expert for MapleHolistics.com, told INSIDER that there are a few signs to know whether or not you're really ready to cross that bridge.

"The most obvious question is: do you want kids? It is as simple as that," he said. "Many choose not to have kids for a variety of reasons. Assuming you do want children in your future, there are a few signs — on the mental side of things — that prove it may be time."

Keep scrolling to see if you're there yet.

You feel the need to be a parent.

You really want it. Odua Images/Shutterstock

Although many may choose not to have children for reasons of their own, Backe tells INSIDER that a simple indicator of being ready is that you feel the need to become a parent.

"It happens. I developed a serious need to be a father by my late 20's. I wanted it," he said. "I know this is traditionally the woman's department ('tick tock' and all), but I felt a real lack of fatherhood in my life. I felt it was time, and like me, you'll know this without having to explain or justify it. It just is."

Like the old adage goes: when you know, you just know.

You can truly envision it.

Can you picture having a baby? Sean Roy/Unsplash

Of course saying that you want to be a parent is one way to acknowledge you're ready, but according to Backe, envisioning it is a true sign.

"Nobody really knows what it is like until they have their own kid, but the fact that you are entertaining the thought of that would-be future in your mind means that there is something of substance and significance there," he told INSIDER. "It may happen more often, and more specifically when you see or hold other people's kids."

If your "baby fever" lasts far beyond the time when you see or hold other's children, that could be a legitimate indicator that you're ready to have one of your own.

You feel good about what you've envisioned.

You picture yourself happy with a child. Valeria Zoncoll/Unsplash

Thinking of becoming a parent can bring about a lot of anxiety if you're not really ready to take the big step. If you feel good about envisioning yourself as a mom or dad though, Backe says you're on the right path to parenthood.

"Those thoughts of parenthood may fill you with worry or dread, but they also fill you with a kind of joy and anticipation," he said. "You find yourself thinking of names, toys, games, or clothes. At those moments, all the 3 am nursing pains and diaper changes in the world wouldn't change your mind. This harks back to that need I mentioned. It is in our biology, after all."

When the anxiety and negative thoughts leave your mind about becoming a parent, you're ready to take the next step.

You start noticing your partner's potential.

You feel like your partner would be a good mother or father. Unsplash/Shanique Wright

One of the most important factors in knowing that your relationship is ready to bring on a baby is noticing whether or not your partner has the potential to be a good parent.

"This is a somewhat controversial one, because some people don't become parents until they are parents," Backe said.

"Some have that ability, that vibe, from the beginning. Others develop it later on in life. It's not a race. The point is, you may find yourself looking at your partner (or even yourself) differently, and consciously noticing the potential for parenthood in them. You look at their actions, hear their words, see the way they conduct themselves in the world, and think 'you'll make a great mother/father' someday."

Finding someone who has already expressed interest in having children is something that you'll want to keep in mind, too.

You're great with other people's kids.

You're the favorite uncle. Picsea/Unsplash

If you've become the favorite aunt, uncle, godparent, or friend that kids love to be around, you may be on your way to having a child of your own.

"This is a particularly strong sign if you take well to your nieces and nephews," Backe told INSIDER. "If you find yourself not only handling kids well, but seeking out the opportunities to spend time with kids — i.e. volunteering to babysit for friends and family — you might just be ready for kids of your own."

Just think of those intimate moments as preparation for when you become a parent of your own children.

You're financially independent.

Can you afford to have a child? Alexander Dummer/Unsplash

Though it's arguably one of the most important factors in determining whether you're ready to become a parent, Backe told INSIDER that so many people have children when they're nowhere near financially ready to do so.

"So many people have kids when they're mentally ready but not logistically ready. This can bring a newborn baby into a household and world of uncertainty, which fosters and harbors stress," he said.

"If you're in a good place professionally and more than ready to handle the expense and fiscal responsibility that comes along with caring for a new baby, it could be your time to become a parent."

Being able to properly provide for a new baby — financially and emotionally — will help them grow into a healthy child and keep your stress levels down in the present and future.

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How to understand that you are ready to become parents? (No way)

Parenting is a phenomenon that cannot be objectively judged in advance, because it is not even a sofa that you can choose from a set of characteristics. Parenthood can only be understood by the fact of its appearance in your own life. Neither the experience of friends, nor the advice of the older generation, nor funny memes on the Internet are able to explain to you the essence of life with a child if you do not already have one.

Planning for pregnancy is always an attempt to hit the jackpot in the embryonic lotto. Pregnancy is a completely unpredictable state that every woman experiences in her own way, even if, plunging into communication in the community of future parents, she is ready to yell over any remark: “And so it is with me! And I have.

Ironically, pregnancy itself often does not affect the preparation for the birth of a child. Because you just walk around with a big belly, suffer from heartburn and want to sleep all the time. How can these undoubtedly valuable stages of life teach you about parenting?

Of course, there are all sorts of books and magazines that will quite successfully and intelligibly explain the materiel to you, even if you had no idea about female anatomy before pregnancy. After reading a number of opinions on certain fundamental issues about caring for a child, for example, you decide that you want to give birth without unnecessary interventions (without stimulation and anesthesia, for example), with a partner, in a certain maternity hospital. Or decide at the family council that you will breastfeed, put the baby in a separate bed (why the hell did you buy it then and chased discounts during the nesting period?) and refuse to swaddle.

Do you know what will happen next? Then you will leave for the first maternity hospital you come across in an ambulance, partner births will not work out, because the dispenser is not suitable for this (and the woman giving birth on the next bed will become your partner), and by the time the contractions become unbearable, you will still be without warnings will roll in a dose of synthetic oxytocin. You will get so fucked up by all this that the fact of becoming parents will seem to you like a trip to the exhibition of paintings by Salvador Dali on the moon.

But that's not all. You will suddenly discover that lactation is not as fun as portrayed in that book that you read. And not so nice. And in general, this is some kind of wild horror. And that you have no desire to drag the child from the crib to your bed and, at best, everything will end up with you moving his cradle as close as possible to your bed (and at worst, in a couple of years you will wake up from what someone put wet diaper on your head).

Of course, I'm exaggerating (but not quite!). And I'm not saying that parenthood, especially at first, is the road of broken dreams and unfulfilled hopes. On the contrary, it is the daily discovery of one’s superpowers and confirmation of the idea that parents are people who know everything about sacrifice, dedication and altruism.

Here I am writing this text, sitting next to my sleeping daughter - next to me, a furniture assembler rustling screws and rattling boards. I guard my daughter so that when she wakes up, she is not afraid of either noise or someone else's uncle in the room. Do I need to say that I am sitting on the floor in a pile of boxes and papers and not amusing myself, as one might think, but working? Well, how can you be ready for this?

Or here are the names. Damn, everyone has blanks on the topic “What will we name our child”? So, you know that often people are waiting for Maximov and Elizaveta, but who do they get? That's right, Leonidov and Katerin. Because fuck you, that's why. Nobody knows how it works.

No one will tell you: "Here is a list of 15 things, do them all and become a good (or at least tolerant) parent." Because this list is endless - we all overcome ourselves every day, even if we claim the opposite. Like, oh, parenthood is so easy for me! Well, okay, I bet your baby is three months old, is he your first and sleeps well? I was like that too, until my daughter had a fever for the first time in her life.

So no matter how much you try on your tummy from a sweater folded into a ball and stuffed under a T-shirt, this will not bring you closer to unraveling the mystery of parenthood. It seems to me that even people who have two, three or four children do not quite understand whether they want to become parents. They just want to experience this crazy, wild, almost animal love - again and again. Well, so that these devils somehow occupied each other.

And there is no way to be ready for this love. It cannot be modelled. It can only be felt. And you can only want to make, endure and give birth to a child. What about being prepared for this? Hm, hardly.

Test: Am I ready to become a mother?

In the life of every person there comes a moment when he realizes that he is ready to become a parent. It is wonderful when a desired pregnancy follows this realization. But often the reality is more insidious, and many couples are faced with the fact of pregnancy before they realize that more than anything else they want to have a baby. In this case, a period of painful search for an answer to the question begins in a woman’s life: “Am I ready to become a mother?” We propose a certain algorithm for determining readiness for the birth of a child.

First of all, the continuation of the family is a natural process, therefore the first stage, conception, depends on the state of health. If a woman's reproductive health is satisfactory and has reached the stage of maturity, this is the basic basis for her to become a mother in the future. In a healthy woman with a stable menstrual cycle, in the absence of hormonal disorders or diseases of the reproductive system, the expected pregnancy can occur within the first 3 months of active sexual life without contraception.

But the physiological readiness to continue one's kind must be backed up by the psychological certainty in this. An adequate assessment of what awaits a couple with the advent of a child, what changes will occur in their lives, should be formed long before his birth.

People who are ready to become parents do not have to be like fans who are able to renounce everything for the sake of their idol - a child. On the contrary, they have a good idea and feel the strength in themselves in order to harmoniously develop the baby ...

1. Pregnancy is associated with a natural change in the female figure, which of the following statements is similar to your attitude to this?

1 It's great that there is such a pleasant opportunity to update the wardrobe
2 The child is worth any sacrifice
3 I will do my best not to lose shape

Right!
2. How would you like to present yourself to your child every day?

1 The best mom (the best dad)
2 Reliable support, support, friend
3 Authority, head of the family, source of money

Right!
3. What basic principle will you follow in raising your child?

1 The basis of everything is love
2 Education without limits
3 It is necessary to learn from life

Right!
4. What part of your life are you willing to devote to raising a child?

1 Until he reaches the age of majority
2 For the rest of his life
3 All time away from work, personal life, work and major hobbies

Right!
5. How are you going to prepare for the reception of the child in your home, for the meeting?

1 No way, everything will be done after his birth
2 My child should be surrounded by the best, so he will be brought up in the most beautiful environment
3 Simplicity is the key to success! The main thing is not luxury, but purity and simplicity

Right!
6. Do you think the problem of fathers and children will affect you in the future?

1 Undoubtedly, since the denial of everything old is inherent in everything young
2 Such a problem simply does not exist, it is a myth
3 This is a problem with a small letter, which is quite easy to deal with

Right!
7. What answer do you have ready for the child's question about where children come from?

1 A stork brings babies in its beak
2 You won't answer saying that the child is still small
3 You can easily find what to answer

Right!
8. What will be your reaction to your spouse's decision to postpone the idea of adding to the family for a while?

1 We waited for a long time and we will wait a little more
2 My other half will not ask for this
3 The solution will appear in the process of a general discussion of the problem

Right!
9. What is the main purpose of having a child for you?

1 Give love to a little creature
2 Catch up and overtake girlfriends and friends
3 Create a full-fledged family

Right!
10. What do you personally expect from a child?

1 The fact that he will continue the family line
2 Will become the reason for the long-awaited wedding
3 Will be the source of various monetary payments

Right!
11. What do you want your child to be like in the future?

1 To those who realize all my unfulfilled hopes
2 A person capable of finding a way out in any situation
3 It doesn't matter, as long as the person is good

Right!
12. Which of the following phrases would reflect your thoughts?

1 We are ready to have a baby
2 It is time to complete the family
3 We are waiting for the addition

Right!

You answered the following questions incorrectly:

If you scored from 12 to 24 points , then we can say that you are not yet ready to approach the birth of a child with all the necessary responsibility.

But it cannot be said that this verdict is a contraindication to having a child at this stage of life. On the contrary, your spontaneity, emotionality will allow you to become a true friend for the child, because it is these qualities that will be common to you.

Children's games - is this the element in which you will be indispensable for your child? But, plunging into it, remember that outside the game you have to constantly sacrifice your spontaneity, easy attitude to life, since a child, in order to feel confident and calm, must always see parents in front of him who treat themselves seriously and responsibly, and therefore , and to those around them.
If your score fluctuates from 24 to 48 units , you can be congratulated: internally you are ripe in order to become a parent. You have a clear idea of what the child needs and what methods of education are the most optimal. Your calmness, optimistic attitude, caring attitude, combined with a reasonable attitude towards life, will certainly make your child happy. You understand that boundless love for a child must be combined with the necessary restrictions. You are able to put yourself in the place of a child and look at the world through his eyes. The main difficulty that awaits you is to put the theory into practice, or at least bring the actual to the desired as close as possible. We hope that difficulties will not stop you.
The sum of points from 48 to 60 indicates that in your desire to raise the best of the best from a child, you are ready to sacrifice everything. You belong to the category of people who make their children a means to achieve their unrealized goals.

Stop and try to rethink your rigid parenting stance. You have many advantages - you are responsible, practical, able to become a reliable support for your child. But your willingness to dissolve in it will not lead to anything good.

Only by seeing before his eyes an accomplished personality with his successes and failures, the child will successfully form his life position.

Therefore, before becoming a parent, you still have to work on yourself. It is not too late to do this even if your child has already been born.
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