How to get attractive

How to Feel More Attractive and Confident

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A simple shift in mindset can make you see yourself in a whole new light. Unsplash/Jonathan Chen

Most people will admit that they don't feel 100% at all times. Even the most beautiful and successful people have off days, but if you're feeling bad about yourself more than you feel good, you might need a shift in perspective. 

Despite common thinking, feeling more attractive and desirable may have little to do with your outward appearance.

We consulted scientific studies and spoke to relationship and dating experts to find simple lifestyle changes that you can make to appear more attractive both to yourself and others.

These tips can help you begin to see yourself in a more positive light.

Get your sweat on.

Break a sweat and it could help lift your spirits. Thomson Reuters

You might dread exercise but it can play a big factor in helping yourself feel more attractive.

We're not just talking about exercise's effect on your body physically — exercise is a great way to take some time to get out your aggression, have some time for yourself, and release endorphins, a chemical that can improve your mood. A 2015 study by the University of Turku found that people who exercised reported an increase in confidence.

"Exercise is a great way to feel more attractive," April Masini, a relationship and etiquette expert, told INSIDER. "Not only are you giving yourself a gift of fitness, but you’re releasing endorphins and balancing work, play and self-care."

Give some compliments.

Let those close to you know how great they are. Unsplash/Annette Sousa

Getting some love from others might seem like the easiest way to boost your self image, but actually you might want to practice giving some love first.

Talking up good traits about others will help you seem more appealing in their eyes and make you realize the good things about yourself, too. Researchers at the University of Electronic Science and Technology of China suggested in a 2016 study that men who used metaphors to compliment women were found to be more attractive.

"Learning how to properly compliment may just be the key to a second date," matchmaker Denise Levy told INSIDER. "Making other people feel good about themselves increases your attractiveness. People put effort into getting ready for a date so take the time to compliment the other person and mean it!"

Put a smile on.

Don't underestimate a good smile. Flickr/Ben Seidelman

It's no secret that smiling makes you seem warm and inviting to other people, which can help how they see you. But it turns out you may even get the same benefits by looking in a mirror and smiling at yourself.

"As social creatures, we are programmed to notice the body language of others and scan for cues of safety and welcome," relationship therapist, educator, and author Shadeen Francis told INSIDER. "Smiling is a universal signal for warmth, approachability, and attractiveness." 

"But this also works for yourself; if you smile at yourself in the mirror, you receive very similar neural cues as you would if a familiar friend smiled at you," she said.

Researchers at the University of Cardiff in Wales in 2009 studied how facial expressions can affect a person's mood and found evidence that suggests people who smile more can actually feel happier.

Give yourself a pep talk.

It may feel silly, but it can work. lenetstan/Shutterstock

It's always nice when someone close to you notices or points out a good quality, but you don't have to wait around for that extra boost. 

It may seem silly, but repeating positive affirmations to yourself in the mirror or saying things that you like about yourself will help you validate those traits and value them in yourself. 

"Attention is an exercise in intentional focus," Francis said. "Whatever you give attention to will expand in your field of consciousness. Taking time to actively notice positive qualities about yourself, whether external characteristics or internal skills and qualities, helps them become more salient to you. When you spend time acknowledging these traits, you can experience them more fully. "

A 2014 study from the University of Illinois published in the "European Journal of Social Psychology" suggested that people who talked to themselves had higher job success and confidence. Experiments showed that when people talked to themselves — in the same way that they would speak to a friend — it hyped them up. The study also showed that people injected more energy into saying the word "you" when referring to themselves.

Don't self-sabotage.

Identify what habits are getting in your way. Unsplash/dahiana candelo

A study from the National Institutes of Health found that people who dwelled on negative aspects about themselves actually had a higher risk of self-doubt and may have a lower-rate of self-satisfaction.

If you find yourself making negative statements about yourself, you need to pay close attention to why. These types of statements can make you feel worse about yourself and take a toll on your self-image.

Psychologist Jodi De Luca recommends that people identify what is causing them to make these statements and eliminate the cause if they can.

"In particular, pay special attention to what triggers self-sabotaging statements," she told INSIDER. "Is it a particular environment? Person? Situation? Once you identify the triggers of negative self-talk, you have a better chance of catching yourself, turning negative self-statements into positive ones, and even preventing them."

Assess your relationships with others.

Cut out the toxic people in your life. REUTERS/David Mdzinarishvili

The weight of a toxic person in your life may be preventing you from feeling your best. 

A 2015 study in "The Journal of Ethics and Education" surveyed people who had a relationship in their life that exhibited traits of "estrangement, change, mistaken friendship, and false friendship." The study found that they often didn't realize that others were dragging them down and saw toxic people through "rose-colored glasses," which can take a toll on their mental health.

If there are people who are constantly putting you down, being rude to you, or are just bad influences on your self-esteem, do your best to cut those people out of your life or spend lesss time with them.

More importantly, prioritize the people who spend their time supporting you and building you up. This can instantly boost your confidence, De Luca said.

Have a sense of humor.

Don't be afraid to laugh it off. William Stitt/Unsplash

Laughing and joking can make you more at ease, so if you try and laugh off a small thing that would normally get under your skin, you can take some pressure off of yourself, which can make you see yourself in a positive light.

"This is so important — some people treat every aspect of their life so seriously and this shows in their face and in their personality," Alex Reddle, online dating specialist, told INSIDER. "It is perfectly okay to be imperfect — no one has to be perfect all of the time. It is important not to let others define you and to just be you."

Cracking a joke can help others see you as more attractive, too. 

A 2015 study by the University of Kansas found that laughing together can increase attraction in couples. In the study, 51 pairs of people who didn't know each other talked; the more times a man tried to be funny and the more times a woman laughed at his jokes, the more likely she was romantically interested in him. 

Additionally, the more the pair laughed together, the higher level of attraction they reported.

Have sex.

Not that you needed an excuse! Shutterstock

Having sex is a great, fun, and pretty easy way to boost your self-image.  

People who had casual sex with a supportive partner were found to show an increase in confidence and self-image, according to a 2014 study from the "Journal of Social Psychological and Personality Science."

Plus, the pheromones you release during and after sex can automatically draw people to you, making you more attractive to them too, according to research conducted by San Francisco State University.

Fake it until you make it.

Act like you are the most confident person in the room. Hernan Sanchez/Unsplash

The easiest way to make yourself feel confident? Act like you already are.  

When you challenge yourself to feel good about yourself, it will show and others will take notice.

"The way you enter a room or share a glance are indicators of your confidence working for you or against you," Levy said. "It is all about your smile, body language and even eye contact. When you feel odd or awkward people can pick up on that uneasiness which will equate to whether or not you are perceived as attractive."

Need some inspiration? A 2013 study published in the "Journal of Experimental Social Psychology" found that simply recalling a moment when you were confident can increase levels of self-confidence.

Rock some red.

This color can automatically make you feel hotter. Ditty_about_summer/Shutterstock

Having a wardrobe that makes you feel confident is a huge step in driving up how you see yourself, but feeling better about your appearance may be as simple as wearing a different color.

A study from the University of Rochester suggests that wearing red can automatically make women more attractive to men. They were more likely in the study to ask out a woman wearing a red shirt than one in green.

Jen Thoden, founder of the personal style site Your Color Style, told INSIDER that red "represents passion, power and sensuality." She recommends rocking red to be taken more seriously and to get a rush of empowerment for yourself.

Stand up straight and tall.

Improving your posture can change your thoughts. Shutterstock

Having good posture can make you look good, but it can also make you feel good.  

One study from the Association of Psychological Science found that sitting up straight can make you feel more confident and powerful. They found that people who strike "power poses" reported elevations in testosterone, decreases in cortisol (a chemical found when you experience fear), and increased feelings of power.

So, if you're looking for a mood boost and to view yourself in a more positive light, it might be worth keeping your chin up both physically and mentally.

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Features Confidence Attractiveness


15 Rules to Increase Attraction

This article is part of our body language guide. Click here for more.
  1. Reading Body Language 101
    • Why Body Language is Important
    • Examples and Meanings
    • How to Read People
  2. Body Language at Work
    • Presentation Cues
    • Interview Cues
    • Workplace Cues
    • Business Cues
  3. Body Language of Emotions
    • Aggressive Cues
    • Confident Cues
    • Condescending Cues
  4. Hidden Opportunities
    • Vocal Cues
    • Presidential Cues
    • Dog Cues
    • Resting Bitch Face
    • Advertising Cues
    • AI and Body Language
  5. Body Language for Rapport
    • Mirroring
    • Proxemics
  6. Head Behavior
    • Head Cues
    • Facial Microexpressions
    • Eye Cues
    • Nose Cues
    • Mouth Cues
    • Ear Cues
  7. Read The Torso
    • Arms Cues
    • Torso Cues
    • Shoulder Cues
    • Neck Cues
    • Hand Gestures
  8. Lower Body Language
    • Hip Cues
    • Leg Cues
    • Feet Cues
  9. Flirting Body Language
    • Male Cues
    • Female Cues
    • Rules of Attraction
    • How to Flirt

Have you ever wondered how to be more attractive? Attraction isn’t only about looks.

Attractive people have a certain primal magnetism.

Of course, we can be physically attracted to someone, but we are more often drawn to their confidence, passion, and personality. Being attractive is about more than just appearance.

Not only is attraction the basis of finding a romantic partner, but we are also…

  • attracted to work with certain people
  • attracted to certain friendships
  • attracted to certain types of ideas
  • attracted to certain coffee shops because we like their vibe, their menu, or their location

Attractiveness is an essential part of understanding what motivates people. But first, how good are you at reading body language? Reading attraction cues is just as important as being attractive.

Can You Read Body Language? (Quiz)

How good are your body language skills? Take our free body language quiz to find out!


If you want to make people want you, if you want to be attractive, if you want to understand people, you need to learn:

The Law of Attraction

I want to redefine the law of attraction. Attraction is about being available and drawing the right people, ideas, and opportunities to you.

First, what is attraction? Attraction is when we are interested in, intrigued by, or feel the urge to gravitate toward something or someone.

Attraction is not only about looks, either. It is about availability + confidence.

Here are my best tips:

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What turns you on? Eyes? Humor? Legs?

Research shows that a person’s most attractive trait is their availability. Confidence is a plus, too, but availability wins, hands down.

  • In dating, it is about physical availability: “Will this person mate with me?”
  • With friends and long-term romantic partners, it is about emotional availability: “Will this person open up to me?”
  • For business, it is about economic and intellectual availability: “Will this person work with me?”

The best way to show availability—whether it is at a networking event, party, business meeting, or date—is by demonstrating availability.

Showing up is NOT enough! You have to show people you are emotionally available to connect.

Show people you want to connect, talk, and start a relationship. A woman at an event once asked me: “Isn’t it obvious that I’m available to connect? I’m here, aren’t I?”

Well, there’s a psychology term called signal amplification bias. In a nutshell, signal amplification bias is when people tend to think their flirting cues are obvious to others. But in fact, they are not.

This means you really have to make your nonverbals obvious, or it’s likely others won’t pick up on them.

Action Step: At your next social event, make a point of telling people why you are there and what you are looking for. Something like:

  • “I’m excited to meet you because I was hoping to make some really interesting connections at this event.”
  • “This event is going great. I came wanting to stir up some business, and I have already passed out a few business cards. May I give you one?”

We don’t realize that our availability isn’t as obvious as we think. Try showing it, and you will be pleasantly surprised at how welcoming and curious people are in return.

So how do you show availability? Read on…

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Attraction Tip #1: Use Open Body Language

Are you closing yourself off to others? We might close our body language and seem unavailable without even realizing it:

  • crossed arms
  • clutching a wine glass in front of our stomach
  • checking a phone in front of our chest
  • hugging a purse to our center

We actually close our body language when we are feeling mentally closed off, and people can see this a mile away.

If you want to look more attractive, you don’t have to change your looks—you simply have to change your body language to be more open. Body language research has shown that keeping your torso, chest, and abdomen open to the world is the best way to show availability.

Open body language is more attractive than any outfit, hairstyle, or dance move.

Female and male body language also differ. Here is an overview of female body language to watch out for:

An interesting story about how open body language and open-mindedness go hand in hand: I was people-watching at a networking event, and watched a man and woman chatting. At the beginning of the conversation, the woman was holding her purse in front of her chest, and the man was holding his wine glass in front of him. At one point, the man made a joke, and both of them began to laugh. You could see them emotionally relax and open up. At that moment, the woman swung her purse over her shoulder and opened up her body language. In the very next second, the man placed his glass on the cocktail table next to them and pulled out a business card. They continued speaking the rest of the night.

*If you want to add sexuality to your attractiveness you can also expose your neck (think Marilyn Monroe tilting her head back and laughing).

From a body language perspective, an open, exposed, or stroked neck is not only more sensual but also releases tantalizing pheromones. See more about this in the video above.

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The Power of The Purse (and Cup)

Purse and cup behavior is a common form of blocking, too. It is how someone interacts with their environment, based on their emotions.

For example, if a woman is feeling uncomfortable or not attracted to someone, she will either clutch her bag tightly or place it in front of or covering her body. When a woman is attracted, she literally and figuratively wants nothing to stand in the way between her and her lover.

Both men and women will also do the same with their drinking cup, using it as a barrier to block out others.

If she loosely holds her purse, and it is not blocking her front, this shows she is at ease and feels more attraction. Better yet, if she puts it on the floor, on a nearby table, or on the back of the chair, she wants it out of the way for her interactions with you. *

*Please note context here: if you are in a very public or potentially dangerous location, she could be gripping her purse for safety concerns, but in a casual place or on a date, this can be a good indicator.

I was actually at a singles event the other night and watched a man and woman talking. The woman had her purse partially blocking her body and was gripping the handle tightly under her arm. Then the man told her he was a doctor, and the woman literally swung her purse up and over her shoulder, out of the way. It was amazing.

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Attraction Tip #2: Fronting

Fronting, or squaring up, is when you square up your body so you are directly facing a person. When you front someone, you are signaling attraction and interest. It says, “I am here, and you are the center of my attention.”

When you front someone, they are the center of your universe.

When fronting, keep in mind the 3 Ts:

  • Toes
  • Torso
  • Top (or head)

Pro Tip: Sometimes, you can’t front. Maybe you’re seated next to each other or in a crowded venue where your torsos are facing the same direction. If that’s the case, read on to find out how to show availability and openness without having to front…

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Attraction Tip #3: Pick The Right Seat At Dinner

Picture this: You’ve got a dinner date coming up. Say you’re going to Chipotle, Olive Garden, or the Ritz (totally different price points, I know).

You’re with your partner, and there’s a table in front of you. They sit on one of the chairs. Where do you sit for optimum attraction?

  1. Seat A
  2. Seat B
  3. Seat C
  4. None of the above
Click to Reveal

The answer is c) Seat C! Seat C offers the best direct contact opportunities, and removes the table as a physical barrier. Sometimes you might not have a choice. So if your partner is sitting directly in front of you at a table, try sitting a little to the side, and angle your belly button toward him or her, using open-palm gestures. 1

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Attraction Tip #4: Lean In to Show Engagement

Leaning toward someone is a nonverbal way of telling them you are engaged. This works especially well if you are in a group of people, and you are interested in one person in the group. This will subconsciously “pull” them in your direction and nonverbally say, “I like you the most!”

Pro Tip: Are there objects like a chair or desk in the way? Maneuver yourself or move the objects so you can lean forward without the clutter.

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Attraction Tip #5: Eye Gazing

Eye gazing is the powerful, intimate act of staring into someone’s eyes for a long period of time. When they stare back at you, oxytocin, or the “love hormone,” increases.

In a study in the Journal of Research in Personality, random strangers were asked to stare into each other’s eyes for 2 minutes without breaking eye contact. They reported “increased feelings of passionate love for each other.

Eye gaze is so powerful that it doesn’t only work in humans—it works with dogs, too. In another study, dogs were trained to gaze into their owners’ eyes. After receiving those gazes, both the owner and the dog had elevated oxytocin levels.

Cool, right? Eye gaze works for increasing attraction because oxytocin is literally produced in the heart.

When your body releases oxytocin, you literally feel it in the heart.

Pro Tip: Whatever you do, don’t stare TOO much. An intimacy equilibrium model by Argyle and Dean says if you stare too much, the other person will look less2. My favorite technique I used back in my college days is to make eye contact, hold the contact for 3 seconds, then give a wink and look away while smiling. During a conversation, the ideal amount of eye contact is between 60–70% of the time. You can even make less eye contact when you’re talking and more while listening.

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Attraction Tip #6: The Wait-And-Smile

You might have heard that smiling is a good thing. And it is! I smile all the time because I’m genuinely happy and interested to meet new people. However, you CAN overdo it. There’s a spectrum of smiling that you should try to stay in. I call this the Smile-o-meter.

On a scale of 1–10, how much do you smile in a conversation? My sweet spot for smiling is a 7. Research shows that people who smile more often have less status and less power1.

Betas tend to smile. Alphas do not.

You usually want to smile more than not, but there’s a trick to the Smile-o-meter. Use the wait-and-smile approach:

  • Wait until you’ve been introduced in a conversation or are introducing yourself before smiling.
  • Then, as you shake your acquaintance’s hand and say their name, smile broadly, as if hearing their name brought a smile to your face.

In this way, others will feel as if their name was so appealing to you that it made you smile brightly. Others will “catch” your delight and happiness, causing a genuine ripple effect of attraction.

Action Step: Where is your smile on the Smile-o-meter? In your next conversation, rate yourself out of 10. Try to increase or decrease to make it an optimal 7.

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Attraction Tip #7: Use a Vigilant Style

Wait, hold up… Are you planning on doing all these cues? There’s a trick to doing them…

to maximize your attraction…

and that is… to do them… sloooowly.

In a 2011 study, researchers found that it’s actually good to use a vigilant style of nonverbals when you first meet someone new. What does this mean? Vigilance means:

  • using smaller gestures with more precise movements
  • using slower talking speed and movements
  • leaning backward instead of forward

In other words, play it cool.

This might even go against some body language cues you’ve learned so far. However, think of it like the “testing phase” of a relationship. When you first meet someone, you’re a stranger to them. So you don’t want to come off too strong.

After enough rapport is built up, and you start to get more comfortable, more forward and direct attraction cues can be used. You’ll notice, when it’s time to ramp up the intimacy, if their body language starts to open up.

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Attraction Tip #8: Don’t Seek

How many times have you been at a big social event, and you’ve seen a couple of people standing around like this?

Way to be a mood killer! Gazing out toward the crowd isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it conveys your interest lies elsewhere (aka not with yourself). Signaling this way shows to others that you’re actively NOT having fun or entertaining yourself.

Instead, imagine if you saw 2 people like this:

Which group looks like the one you’d want to join? I’d definitely take the second one in a heartbeat. So to really effortlessly attract people to you, you’ve got to bring the fun to yourself.

  • Be engaged. No matter where you are, be truly engaged with whomever you’re with. Have a blast. Crack a joke. Others who notice you may want to join in on the fun, too!
  • Entertain yourself. Alone? No worries! You can entertain yourself by interacting with whoever’s nearby—the bartender, the staff, even random strangers. Or, you can even pull up your phone and find what’s interesting to you. I’ve had a couple conversations start this way, where I was simply browsing my phone, and people wanted to know why I was laughing so much.

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Attraction Tip #9: Mirroring Body Language

Mirroring is when you subtly copy the body language of the other person. The consensus is that mirroring is H.O.T.

In one study, men rated a woman more sexually attractive if she had mimicked his verbal and nonverbal behavior during speed dating2. We tend to subconsciously mirror people if we like them. The key to mirroring is being subtle—obvious mirroring can actually break rapport and decrease attraction.

If someone leans back on the wall, lean back, too. If they prop up their leg in a figure 4, do that as well.

Action Step: Read our list of 16 Essential Body Language Examples and Their Meanings to get your nonverbal cues on track to open up.

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Attraction Tip #10: Have Congruent Facial Expressions

What does your face look like when it’s resting? Unfortunately, mine is the classic resting bitch face (RBF). Others might have a “blank stare” that looks like they’re watching paint dry. But just imagine if someone’s looking around the room, ready and excited to talk to someone new, and they see this:

Not so engaging, right!?

Look curious and interested in the environment, groove to the music, be starry eyed, and smile—these small cues will go a long way to becoming more approachable. But it’s not as simple as changing your facial expression. You’ve got to be congruent.

What is congruence? In a nutshell, congruence is being the same inside and out. Let me explain this important but simple concept with shapes. First, you know what a circle is. And you know what a triangle is. But if a circle tries to become a triangle…

To be more attractive, your body language and facial expressions must be congruent.

For example, if you go up to a girl and give her an eyebrow flash and smile, but you’re sweating profusely from nervousness, and your feet are pointed toward the exit because you’re deathly afraid… you’re being totally incongruent!

We’ve got internal radars that go off whenever we’re around incongruent people:

  • the “tough guy” who tries to act confident but only comes off as uncaring and overcompensating
  • the girl who tries to act popular but deep down, she’s really insecure and unconfident
  • the friend who tries to act nice but is actually toxic and hates you

It’s much better to be honest about your nervousness. So if your face is just bleh, accept yourself, and you’ll come off as more genuine and likable. Trust me—I’ve been in the situation where I’ve tried to fake my confidence. It never worked.

Action Step: Who are you trying to portray? People can sniff out incongruency a mile away. Always try to act like yourself, and don’t assume an “ideal” version of yourself. The next time you’re out, try to express the emotions that you truly feel.

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Attraction Tip #11: The 5 in 15 Rule

The 5 in 15 rule of flirting is to touch someone 5 times within 15 minutes1. The touch can be when you first approach someone, and you can sprinkle touches here and there when you make a joke or share laughter. Pick your area of touch:

  • The arm. This is a safe place that I like to start out with. The upper arm is the safest; going closer to the hand gets closer to intimacy.
  • The shoulder is a more vulnerable area since it’s closer to the neck, but can be used if it’s a quick tap. Touching here is best reserved for if you’ve built strong rapport.
  • The body. Avoid the body unless you’re ready to ramp up the intimacy.

The 5 in 15 rule is great because unexpected touch releases tiny doses of dopamine.

Touch is so necessary that even members of the lowest caste in India were called untouchables2. Unexpected touch is even better because it actually makes our heart rate increase.

Use unexpected touches to increase arousal and excitement throughout your conversation2.

Pro Tip: Gauge your touch. You don’t want to touch someone who isn’t welcoming it. Women indicated touch from a stranger is the greatest invasion of privacy, while men felt the same when it came from another man2. If their body language is relaxed and open and immediately closes after your touch, then it’s a good sign your touch is uninvited.

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Attraction Tip #12: The Right Side

Did you know there is a preferred side we like people to be on1? It’s either our left side of our body or our right side. If people are on my WRONG side, I feel more awkward and clumsier than usual.

Why do we have a “preferred” side? The OLD theory states:

  • Handshake acts as an anchor.
  • When we shake hands, we create unconscious positive emotions, and typically, we are on the person’s right side when we shake hands.
  • Standing on this side recreates these emotions unconsciously.

When a person is honest and cooperative, stand to their right to build trust with them. When someone is closing down or being deceptive, stand to their left to break rapport and create tension and stress.

Action Step: Do you notice a person acting weirder or more insecure than usual when you’re standing on one side? Try switching over to the other side. Use transitions to make it less obvious:

  • Grab a napkin or drink.
  • Go to the bathroom.
  • Sip some water.

If they start perking right up, that’s a good sign you’re on their right side. Test each side for 30 seconds to 2 minutes, then test again to confirm their right side.

You can even ask your partners or friends their seat preferences the next time you hang out at a restaurant or the movies. Move from one side to the other, and see if you notice nervous or tense gestures.

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Their Feet Like You

The feet serve as a direct reflection of a person’s attitude. The key is recognizing where a person’s feet are pointed. When the feet are pointed directly toward another person, this is a sign of attraction, or at the very least, genuine interest. If, on the other hand, the feet are pointed away or toward the exit, that is a sign that attraction is probably not there.

Here’s the bottom line: Attraction isn’t just about looks. You become more attractive when you draw people in with your personality and your charisma. Attractive nonverbals help a lot as well! Be sure to use these cues to be more attractive to everyone you meet.

Want to know even more cues to look for when reading male and female body language? Head on over to our ultimate guides: Reading Female Body Language / Reading Male Body Language

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Attraction Tip #13: Claiming Space

A great way to build your confidence and attraction is to take up space. Imagine the most attractive person in the room—are they likely hiding in the corner, curled up in a ball? Probably not.

The attractive and confident person is expansive. They’re big. And they take up a lot of visual space. Try expanding yourself:

  • Rest your arms on the armrests.
  • Widen your legs.
  • Put your belongings on objects to “claim them.”

You can also integrate space through your environment by the technique of keep moving. Think in your past to one of the longest, funnest days you’ve ever had. For me, that was when I took a recent trip to the beach with Sienna and my husband to a new beach house! And chances are, your experience also involves novelty and different experiences.

And here’s where the idea of keeping moving comes into play…

Different environments create different, novel experiences.

For example, have you ever been on a coffee date or business meeting, and it seemed to last for hours on end? This isn’t a bad sign, but you likely remember it as one distinct experience.

Now contrast that with another date where you move to 3 places:

  • First, you start in the office.
  • Then, you move to a coffee shop.
  • Afterward, you bring your partner to a dessert cafe.

Notice how in each of the 3 different locations, you can invite new feelings and emotions.

Perhaps you might have even noticed that car dealers do this a lot. They meet you at an open lot to discuss the features of a car. Then take you to the lobby to wait before the test drive. Then to the office, then to the car again. This gives you the feeling of considering purchasing for a long time1.

This works not only in business, but also in creating intimate relationships, as well. Singles on dates should do this to “feel” like they’ve known each other longer than they actually do.

Action Step: Before your next big date or business meeting, plan out 3 different locations you can move to. Pivot to new locations if there’s a lull in conversation, or you want to shift to a brand new topic of conversation. Keep them on their toes. Keep moving!

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Attraction Tip #14: Gesture With Your Hands

We love to see people’s hands. Studies have found that when we can’t see people’s hands, we have trouble trusting them. When you put your hands in your pockets, tuck them under the table, or hide them behind a coat, your attractiveness decreases because you’re instantly creating warning signals to others.

Instead, always have your hands showing. Studies show the best gestures to use in dating situations are expansive ones. These gestures increase your perceived openness and even dominance, in some cases.

Action Step: Want to know the best hand gestures you can use right now? Head on over to the list of best hand gestures you should know.

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Attraction Tip #15: Stop Being Boring

Our brains are like really hungry toddlers. They are easily bored and they demand to be fed with entertaining nuggets. Being “hot” simply isn’t enough.

New York Times bestselling author and developmental molecular biologist John Medina discovered that the brain has a very short attention span. Our brains are attracted to people and things that are intriguing, interesting, and engaging. Luckily, you are an intriguing, interesting, and engaging person!

It’s attractive to be interesting.

Yes, I have met thousands of people at speaking events, conferences, and networking parties—and I have never met a single boring person.

Sometimes we act boring because we are afraid of being seen as “weird” or “different.” So we have the same mind-numbingly boring social scripts:

  • “What do you do?”
  • “Where are you from?”
  • “How’s the weather?”

We don’t share how we really feel, we hide our quirks, and we try to fit in. But you know what? Fitting in sucks! It’s dull and unattractive.

Our fear of not fitting in makes us boring.

Scientific research has shown us that there are tools we can use to fight the boring, increase our attractiveness, and make us more memorable. How do we do this? We learn how to be interesting.

Action Step: Learn the 5 Steps to Be More Interesting.

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How to Be Approached in a Bar

Have you ever been at a bar and stood there waiting… and waiting… and waiting some more? The thing is, your body language might not convey openness. Instead of blocking people out, try to turn your torso away from the bar and toward the center of the room or where most of the people are.

Remember, you also want to avoid seeking behaviors, so don’t go searching the room for someone to come approach you. Look like you’re having fun, even if you’re all alone!

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How to Be Attractive As a Man

How do you rate your own attractiveness as a man? Here are some tips to maximize your attraction:

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#1: Look Smart

Long gone are the days of looking like you just came back from a war with lions. Or looking like Rambo.

In a survey of 5,500 singles between 21 and 76, a whopping 63% of people said an unclean appearance was their biggest relationship deal breaker. Before even considering approaching anyone, you’ve got to be groomed and prepared:

  • Get fresh breath. Want to know one of MY biggest turnoffs? A horrible case of halitosis. Make sure to brush your tongue before going out, and always carry a couple mints in your back pocket. Some mints with sugars leave your mouth even stinkier afterward, so make sure to invest in quality lozenges like TheraBreath mints.
  • Clean those fingernails. Check your nails right now. Do you bite them? Is there gunk from last night’s mud wrestling match? How do your cuticles look? You may not care, but others might. Consider using a nail file to trim those rough nails, and consider kicking the habit of nail biting.
  • Prep your clothes. You don’t have to suit up, but if you’re dressing to impress, it might be a good idea to iron your shirt, clean your shoes (baby wipes work wonders!), and use a lint roller to get rid of those random pieces of lint.
  • Style your hair. Depending on your hair, you can slick it back for a clean/professional look, or add some gel to give it some volume and texture. And yes, washing your hair is a must.

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#2: Be The Center of Attention

When approaching a group, how do you approach them?

  1. directly, confident and assured
  2. skittishly, nervous and awkward
  3. not at all

You might think a) is the best answer, and you’re right! But there’s a caveat…

Approaching directly may not be the best choice. This is a mistake men often make.

Why? Because you’re literally pitting yourself against them.

Instead, go inside the group (by ordering a drink and turning around, excusing yourself in, etc.), and be in the middle1. This accomplishes 2 things:

  1. You’ll look like a leader and appear with others, not against them.
  2. Other people who see you in a bar will see you as having increased value.

Going inside the group takes a lot of courage, so if you don’t have the confidence to do that yet, no worries! Slowly work your way up, and one day, you will get there.

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#3: Guiding Touch

You can put a hand on the small of your partner’s back, just above the pants, if they are your romantic interest. You can use the guiding touch as long as you are moving toward a door. Hold your hand on the small of their back for up to 7 seconds, and use a solid/firm pressure—the same pressure you’d use to push a shopping cart1.

Pro Tip: Use the guiding touch sparingly, and don’t use it more than once in a short period of time.

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#4: Use Calm Scents

Which scents are women attracted to the most? The smell of adventure, pine trees, and manly perspiration? Think again. According to research, women are actually attracted to baby powder and cucumber. Unfortunately, you might be a little weird carrying around a cucumber. However, baby powder can be used as a great underarm antiperspirant!

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How to Be Attractive As a Woman

To be attractive as a woman, you’ve got to send the right signals. Here are some cues you can use to your advantage:

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#1: Wear Heels

Both men and women love heels (although, sometimes we don’t love to wear them!). People love the look of them and the hard “clicking” sound they make when you walk on hard flooring. Wearing heels creates the illusion of height while arching the back, elongating the legs, and improving posture. Also, heels add swing to a woman’s step by strengthening the core and pelvic floor1.

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#2: The Push-Pull

When you’re joking around and having a good time, don’t go in for the play hit. I see this one a lot, especially in teens. Some women even hit hard, but this is an instant rapport breaker for many people since it signals aggression.

Instead, grab their arm and push them away, slowly releasing their arm. The push-pull should last a minimum of 3 seconds. It’s a great way to build your touch connection without hurting them. However, the push-pull can also be rapport breaking, depending on the situation, especially if you haven’t developed enough rapport yet.

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#3: Flash The Goods

No, not those goods! There is a much more subtle way of signaling attraction: the palms and wrist. To ramp up attraction and femininity, make sure your palms and wrists are exposed. Many women opt for the limp wrist cue, which signals submissiveness and a willingness to be dominated.

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#4: Use Yummy Scents

Do you use scents in your attraction arsenal? According to the previous research, there are specific scents that men are attracted to. Men had the highest arousal increase of 40% when they smelled pumpkin pie combined with a lavender scent. Cinnamon also works well. However, perfume does not work well, with the highest of only a 3% increase.

Action Step: To maximize this research, try applying a natural lavender oil to your wrists and neck area. Stock up your car and purse with pumpkin pie air fresheners, and order any desserts that have cinnamon, for maximum effectiveness.

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#5: Flushed and Blushed

When we are attracted to someone, blood will flow to our face, causing our cheeks to get red. This happens to mimic the orgasm effect where we get flushed. It is an evolutionary way the body tries to attract the opposite sex. This is why women wear blush. This blood flow also happens with lips and eyes. The redder the lips and the whiter the eyes, the more fertile and attractive someone is.

Action Step: Wear red lipstick. Red is the color that has been shown to attract the most invitations.

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Be The Durian

If you’re worried that your genetics screwed your chances for attraction success, don’t worry! I’m going to let you in on a secret…

What is the most important way to be attractive? I prefer being the durian.

Now if you’ve ever had a durian, then you either love durian or hate it. If you have NO idea what the heck a durian is, let me explain: it’s a tropical fruit grown in Asian countries. It has a spiky exterior shell and soft, yellow flesh on the inside. It also has a reputation for being absolutely pungent and similar in smell to a trash can.

So here’s a funny durian story…

Back in my college traveling days, I was waiting at the American embassy and saw a rather strange tattoo on the calf muscle of the guy in front of me. Upon looking closer… it was a tattoo of a durian! We talked, and he said durian was his absolute favorite food in the world—he loved it so much he one day said, “Yep! I’m getting a durian tattoo.”

Now that right there is dedication! I actually love durian (but my husband despises it). But the moral of the story is…

Whoever you are, someone will love you.

So if you’ve done everything in this guide:

  • You’ve worked on your approach.
  • You’ve nailed your attractive body language.
  • You’ve mastered your social skills.

… but you STILL can’t find someone…

Be patient, and be yourself!

It’s just a matter of finding the right person, not the most people!


1 Driver, J. & van Aalst, M (2011): You Say More Than You Think: The 7-day Plan for Using the New Body Language to Get what You Want. New York 2 Knapp, M. L., & Hall, J. A. (2014). Nonverbal communication in human interaction. Boston: Wadsworth Cengage Learning.

Side Note: As much as possible we tried to use academic research or expert opinion for this master body language guide. Occasionally, when we could not find research we include anecdotes that are helpful. As more research comes out on nonverbal behavior we will be sure to add it!

This article is part of our body language guide. Click here for more.

12 easy ways to become more attractive to others - Parents.


Personal care

Getty Images/Westend61

1. Smile

Try to smile more often. When you have a smile on your face, you appear more friendly and approachable. In this case, people are more pleasant and comfortable doing business with you. Regardless of how you feel - smile! By the way, even if at first you only force yourself to smile, you will soon notice that your mood automatically improves.

2. Look after your hair

Your hair is your crown! So take care of them. Always keep your head clean and tidy. Do not forget to cut your hair, it is important first of all for the health of your hair. Even if you want to have long curls, trim the ends every couple of months.

Video: 100 years of attractiveness in 74 seconds. How hair and make-up standards have changed over the past 100 years:


Watch your facial hair

Yes, yes! When caring for a haircut, many people forget about facial hair. And it's almost as important. Women need to tidy their eyebrows. Men should not be lazy to shave, and those who wear a beard should definitely take care of it and trim it regularly.

4. Wear the right clothes

Always be careful what you wear. Buy clothes that suit you. Clothes that don't fit—too wide or too tight—make you look weird.

5. Make eye contact

If you maintain eye contact properly, your interlocutor will feel important to you. If you feel embarrassed and embarrassed to look others in the eye, first practice on loved ones. And then extend the rule to make eye contact with strangers as well.

6. Walk with confidence

Walk with confidence. Do you know how to achieve this? Keep your body relaxed and your chin up. Look forward, not at your feet as you move.

Amazing video: beauty standards around the world on the example of one model:


Smell good

Nobody likes those who exude an unpleasant smell. All your efforts to create attractiveness will go up in smoke if you smell bad. Follow the common truths: take a shower every day, use deodorant, brush your teeth. If necessary, use means to eliminate bad breath. But do not overdo it by using cologne or toilet water - your interlocutor may be allergic to strong odors.

8. Be relaxed

Do you always think about what others think of you? This habit must be fought. Be calm, confident, and communicate openly with people. In this case, it will be easier to establish communication. Because nervousness repels.

9. Laugh yourself and make others laugh

No wonder they say that laughter is the best medicine. When you laugh, people around you feel comfortable. In addition, laughter can make you look more attractive. Most importantly, if you can make people laugh, you make them happy for even a minute. And then people will communicate with you with pleasure.

Luis Alvarez/Getty Images

10. Be open

Watch your posture. If you radiate busyness and closeness in your body language, you will be shunned. If you often keep your arms and legs crossed, then people around you will think that you probably don't want to be disturbed. But if you look easy and at ease, people will feel comfortable interacting with you.

11. Ask questions

Don't talk about yourself all the time. When you ask something, people think that you are interested in them and feel important. But don't confuse casual conversation with gossip—don't ask irrelevant questions.

12. Wear bright clothes

Bright colors attract attention. And you look more confident. Just be careful not to wear colors that don't match the color of your skin or the atmosphere of the place you're going to.

More useful self-care materials are in our channel on Yandex.Zen.

Julia Treneva

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35 ways to become an incredibly attractive person

The basic elements of attraction are self-love, self-confidence and authenticity. 35 things you can do to become a more attractive person.

“The secret of attractiveness is to love yourself. Attractive people don't judge themselves or others. They are open to gestures of love. They think about love and express their love in every action. ” ~ Deepak Chopra

Here's the gist: we want to please people.

Even when we say we don't care what others think, we really want to please them.

We want to be loved, respected and viewed in a positive light.

Our human interactions are vital to our sense of well-being, self-worth, and happiness.

When we discover that someone does not love us or is somehow rejecting us, our emotions can jump from defensive indignation to deep pain and sadness.

Any of us who have tried to become attractive and attractive to everyone will eventually realize the futility of this exhausting undertaking.

You cannot "make" everyone like you, and even if you could, you will eventually lose yourself in the process.

When you turn into a people-pleaser or actor playing a role to accommodate those you want to impress, you often alienate the people you hope to charm.

Only when we see ourselves as attractive and accept our own true qualities, needs, ideas, values ​​and traits, do we release our attraction pheromones to other people.

Although not everyone will be intrigued by your authenticity, those to whom you become attractive will usually be emotionally intelligent, mature people who value real and sincere relationships.

Self-love, self-confidence and authenticity are essential elements if you want to be attractive.

To strengthen this foundation and facilitate the transition from "trying to impress" to naturally attracting great people into your life, there are some specific changes you can make.

  1. Develop your own personal interiority.

    Identify and define your own reality, philosophy, values ​​and interests, rather than automatically accepting the ideas of your family, peers, religion or culture.

  2. Start letting go of the need to check.

    Do not motivate yourself with other people's opinions or the desire for recognition. Move according to the things that are important to you and what you value.

  3. Trust your instincts and allow experimentation.

    Get to know yourself and find out what you like. Find something exciting, even if you have to experience failure multiple times.

  4. Recognize people for who they are.

    Start letting go of people's judgments and criticisms. To be attractive to people, focus on their strengths, not their mistakes. Learn to deal with difficult people without oppressing yourself.

  5. Really hear people.

    Go beyond just hearing and understanding. Let people know that you really understood and accepted them.

  6. Take care of the unresolved issues in your life.

    Restore your integrity. Forgive and ask for forgiveness if necessary. Reclaim the energy you gave to these situations.

  7. Adopt a healthy lifestyle.

    Exercise daily. Do it because you are respecting yourself and not trying to impress others.

  8. Because everything has to happen.

    Don't wait for it. Be a creator, an initiator, a researcher. Share your enthusiasm.

  9. Show people that you care about them.

    Don't just talk about it. Show them that they matter in their own eyes, not just yours. People on a subconscious level will begin to perceive you as an attractive person.

  10. Demand the best from people.

    See them not only for who they are, but for who they can be. Reflect this vision with love.

  11. Make sure your own needs are met.

    Understand your basic needs and tell people fully what is important and valuable to you. Don't compromise them for the sake of keeping the peace or getting attached to them.

    Read also

    Poisonous people: why you should remove them from your life

    8 strategies to help get rid of complexes

  12. Speak constructively.

    Use words to uplift, inspire, motivate and encourage. Don't offer "constructive criticism" or subtle hints.

  13. Laugh easily.

    Treat yourself lightly. People who want to become attractive look at life less seriously, find and create fun and joy themselves.

  14. Stop gossip.

    Do not criticize other people by direct or subtle hints. Do not share information that you feel stronger and do not weave intrigues.

  15. Ask, but don't complain.

    If you need something, ask for it directly. Don't cry or complain to people. So you will not become more attractive.

  16. Fully cover situations.

    Be kind but clearly address negative points as quickly as possible. Don't tolerate anything if it offends you.

  17. Leave with arguments.

    Smile and walk away until healthy communication appears.

  18. Only offer help when asked.

    Don't assume that people want you to fix them or that you know what's best for them. Be helpful and only give help when requested.

  19. Really care, but stay away.

    Let people know that you really care about them when they're in trouble, but don't get caught up in their problems.

  20. See with your heart, not with your eyes.

    Look beyond superficiality when looking at someone. Financial status, appearance, fame, everything means nothing. Look for the real person inside. This is a character trait of an attractive person.

  21. Don't say yes when you mean no.

    If you mean "no", your "yes" will be outraged. Say "yes" only when your "yes" is freely given to you.

  22. People should know that you are grateful.

    Tell people and show them that you are happy to have them in your life.

  23. Never play manipulator.

    Do not try to manipulate or hurt anyone by trying to make the person feel guilty about their choice, decision or action. A manipulator cannot become a truly attractive person.

  24. Give more than expected.

    Do not overdo it, but freely give more than promised.

  25. Be interdependent in your relationships.

    Do not control, dependent or independent. Create relationships that are mutually uplifting, rewarding, and satisfying.

  26. Be a great person.

    Do not try to flatter, oppress others, or restrain yourself in praise. Offer validation and support when needed and truly deserved.

  27. Be confident enough to be humble.

    Know how to laugh at yourself. Acknowledge your flaws and failures and accept that they don't define you.

  28. Be open to learning.

    Do not flaunt your intelligence or superior knowledge. Recognize that there is always something to learn, even from those who look "smaller" than you.

  29. Be more involved in the conversation/situation.

    Show your genuine interest in people. Use the word "you" more often than "I". Listen carefully and think about people for who they are. It draws attention and makes you attractive.

  30. Give the gifts people want.

    Not only those gifts that impress or that are important to you.

  31. Challenge yourself constantly.

    Don't settle for mediocrity. Don't languish in past accomplishments. Keep moving forward and drain your enthusiasm for new opportunities and act to make it happen.

  32. Don't chase adrenaline.

    Simplify your life. Do not rush, stress, interfere, or be distracted. Give yourself time and space to focus.

  33. Don't fight the flow.

    Do not fight people or situations that you cannot control. Move lightly in the other direction.

  34. Keep developing.

    Stay on the path of self-improvement and be nimble in the face of opportunity for change and growth.

    Learn more