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Being married to a therapist


Dating a Therapist: 15 Pros and Cons

In This Article

While growing up, we may wish to date people in popular professions. Some of these choices may be to inspire us, elevate our status, or just for its pleasure. But have you ever wondered how it feels to date a therapist?

Therapists are known to help people deal with emotional, psychological and physical issues. They also handle dating therapy and relationship problems. Their job is to determine your personality or behavior by talking to you. With these facts in mind, it can be challenging and yet alluring to date someone in this field.

If you are in love with a therapist or dating a therapist, it’s normal to feel vulnerable around them. However, you must understand that therapists are humans too. 

While their job is to dissect the human mind, it doesn’t mean they don’t function like others or have similar weaknesses and strengths. Some therapists have their own therapists who help them work through their issues in life. So, you might not even realize that you are dating someone who is a therapist for others.

So, if you’ve asked yourself, “Can I date my therapist,” or “Can a therapist date a patient,” the answer is no!

As per the American Psychological Association’s Code of Ethics (Section 10.05), a therapist is barred from dating a current patient. Furthermore, in the American Counseling Association’s Code of Ethics (Code A.5.b), a therapist is prohibited from having an intimate relationship with a client for five years.

However, there is nothing ethically or legally wrong with dating a psychologist that is not treating you currently or in the recent past. But like other things in life, dating a psychologist has its pros and cons. Read this article to find out more about it.

Related Reading: How to Date Someone: 15 Best Dating Rules & Tips

What is it like dating a therapist?

If you are in love with a therapist, it’s normal for you to seek some answers. After all, this is someone trained to lend their understanding to their patients and that may have implications for a partner that they choose to be with.

Meanwhile, some people think therapists are usually put together and in control of their thoughts so that they can handle their partner’s issues. All these opinions are far from the truth.

Dating a therapist is mostly like dating any other person. It may shock you that therapists don’t have all the answers or know everything about the human mind. Just because you are in love with a therapist doesn’t mean they will help you solve your life’s issues.

Your therapist partner may be good at helping others, but their objectivity is compromised when it comes to their loved ones.

A therapist partner would likely refer you to their colleague than treat you, should you need a therapist. So, if you are considering dating a therapist, you must be open-minded and outspoken. 

Related Reading: Dating vs. Relationships: 15 Differences You Must Know About

It would help if your communication skills are top-notch when dating a shrink. The small and significant issues matter, and you must be ready to discuss them with your therapist partner.

Therapists can be detail-oriented and expressive. As such, they may expect the same level of compliance from you.

One thing you won’t regret when dating a therapist is that they don’t usually avoid or dismiss issues in their relationship. They are likely to try and make things work out with you. But that doesn’t mean your relationship will be perfect. 

There are some clear pros and cons of being a therapist that directly lead to the pros and cons of dating a psychologist. 

10 pros of dating a therapist

As someone who deals with human emotions regularly, rest assured that therapists have much to offer you. They have the expertise to understand others and help them feel better. That means your therapist partner might make you more expressive in the relationship. 

They understand the crucial role of healthy communication, so they are more likely to hear you out. Below are the advantages of dating a therapist:

1. They are reliable

One of the benefits of being in love with a therapist is that they are usually reliable partners. When you have a therapist partner, know that you can always have a shoulder on which to cry. 

A lack of trust is a significant issue in a relationship; without it, no relationship can last long. Thankfully, therapists often keep to their words as this skill is essential to maintain their professional obligations and patient satisfaction.

2. You can be vulnerable with them

Vulnerability is something many of us fear. The thought that others will know everything about you can make you feel exposed. However, you need not be scared when you are dating a therapist. 

A therapist’s job is to make their patients feel safe and comfortable while talking. Therefore, you can usually expect the courtesy extended to their partners as well.

Your therapist partner can ensure that discussions on matters are without judgment or criticism. Their goal is usually to understand you better and come up with a solution.

3. They are empathetic

Emotional intelligence is at the core of a therapist’s career. Without a high emotional quotient, you can’t be a good therapist because the goal is to understand a patient’s feelings, and emotions, before helping them. 

Also, one of their skills involves putting themselves in a client’s shoes to understand their situation better. You may not be a patient, but you hold a crucial position in your partner’s life. Therefore, you can be heard and understood better. 

Related Reading: How to Build Empathy in Relationships

Check out this video to learn more about emotional intelligence:

4. You may be supported

A therapist can offer you proper emotional and psychological support regardless of the relationship stage. They’ve studied human behavior and know how the brain works. Therefore, they are more likely to be there for you because it’s a skill ingrained in their profession. 

Whatever problems you may have, whether a family issue or friendship problem, they can back you up by analyzing the situation and help you come up with solutions.

5. They understand your personality easily

Understanding a person’s personality is key to getting along with anybody, but it’s not always easy. Luckily for you, your relationship can blossom if you are dating a therapist. That’s because they understand human psychology and personality.

Even when you don’t talk, therapists can tell a lot from your body language. When someone knows what triggers you at a particular time, they can work their way around you without offending you. While this can feel like an invasion of privacy at times, it ultimately helps your partner understand you better. 

6. You enjoy great conversations

There is probably no dull moment when you’re in love with a therapist. Every discourse can be fun, thought-provoking, and enjoyable. Also, there are usually no limits to the topics you can delve into, and thus, you won’t find any conversation boring. 

Therapists are skilled in steering discussions in the right direction, in a way that can make you feel safe and comfortable. Besides, they usually also know how to ask the right questions, such that you give answers willingly.

Related Reading: 12 Ways to Have an Intimate Conversation with Your Partner

7. They give good advice

Another advantage of dating a therapist is that they can help you make an informed decision without forcing their own opinion on you. 

Advising people is an intricate part of a therapist’s job. But they usually don’t feel the need to force their perspective on you. 

Usually, a therapist works with you around your current situation by asking you vital questions. They offer their advice based on experiences and your current situation.

8. They teach you patience

Therapists work with different people to solve their emotional, psychological, and physical problems. These are issues that affect people’s lives. Therefore, understanding the patients requires a high level of patience before coming up with solutions.

If you are dating a therapist, they can be patient with you. And even if you are may get impatient, your partner won’t worry much but focus on getting to the root of the matter. As time passes, you might emulate your therapist partner’s behavior.

Related Reading: 15 Ways to Have More Patience in a Relationship

9. You can be yourself

Therapists deal with different situations regularly, but they don’t get moved by them. That doesn’t mean they don’t empathize with or understand their patients’ concerns. 

Therapists are trained to allow people to talk freely with them. Therefore, you can be yourself around them without thinking of their opinion or fearing judgment and criticism.

10. They genuinely care about people

Sometimes, it looks like therapists act the way they do because of their education. But the truth is, these people mostly want to help people. 

Choosing to be a therapist means that they likely care a lot about the mental and psychological well-being of others. They are probably selfless and learn to put others’ needs above their own. If you are in a relationship with a therapist, you may get the best care.

5 cons of dating a therapist

Every situation, including dating a therapist, brings certain drawbacks that can add to your stress. However, if you understand these drawbacks better, you can be prepared for them and find ways to handle them better.

Besides the compelling advantages you may get when dating a therapist, below are the cons you might face:

1. Therapists might lack boundaries

Sometimes, dating a therapist means that you are with someone who is constantly trying to psychoanalyze you, without even realizing it. 

When considering the pros and cons of dating a psychologist you must consider the possibility that they may point out things that are wrong in your conduct and the possible reasons behind it. This can get frustrating if it happens too often or if you are not ready to be in an involuntary therapy session with your partner. 

2. A therapist isn’t perfect

Truly, therapists help others become aware of their problems and help them solve them. However, this doesn’t mean they are flawless. In fact, they may be someone in therapy themself.

Therapists are just human like you and will make mistakes here and there. Therefore don’t judge them or think they should be able to handle certain situations easily. 

Related Reading: 10 Tips to Creating Your Perfect Relationship

3. They value their time

With the nature of their job – attending to patients and profoundly caring about them – you may realize they spend lots of time with other people. Their patient care might keep them busy and occupied. Ultimately, this might affect your relationship, especially if you always want to be with your partner.

4. They sometimes get too much involved in other people’s issues

Remember that therapists care a lot about other people. They can sometimes get buried in work and become emotionally invested in their patients’ matters. On rare occasions, this might affect your relationship with them.

For example, a patient might call them in the middle of the night, demanding to talk. While this isn’t acceptable professionally, it does happen, and therapists can sometimes get carried away. You might get mad if you are with your partner at this point.

5. They may get too tired

Asking yourself, “I am dating my therapist. What am I in for?” When you are dating a therapist, you might find out they deal with fatigue often. Listening to different stories and coming up with unique solutions daily can be demanding. 

When therapists eventually get a break, they may focus on resting and bouncing back. Unfortunately, that might mean not having enough time for their partner.

Related Reading: 15 Reasons Why Quality Time Is So Important in a Relationship

Final thoughts

There are pros and cons of being a therapist that can affect your relationship with them. 

While it feels like a therapist knows the way around your mind, it doesn’t mean a relationship with them is a bad idea.

For example, therapists understand you better, and you have someone you can communicate with freely. They can also be supportive and great at giving advice. 

Nonetheless, being a therapist comes with baggage that might affect your relationship. It is best to consider your options, in line with the points in this article, before making any decision.

15 Reasons Why Being Married to a Therapist May Actually be More Difficult Than Dating Them

Recently, eHarmony posted an awesome article with a list of 15 Reasons to Date a Therapist. They are pretty awesome reasons!

As I was reading through them, I thought, Hm. I'm a pretty normal wife with plenty of issues. Pretty sure Aaron is a much better person for being married to a therapist than I am as the therapist.

So I came up with a little add-on for each of the eHarmony reasons for why that reason could actual be a bit of a stumbling block in a marriage thus making the spouse o the therapist the "better" marriage partner.

15 Reasons to Date a Therapist Being Married to a Therapist Isn't Anything Amazing 

(or Perhaps, Why it is Even More Difficult than the Average Marriage)

AKA 

15 Reasons Anybody Married to a Therapist Is Amazing and Deserves an Award for their Patience, Empathy and Understanding

1. Therapists are great listeners, and intentionally do so without judgement.
But when therapists have been listening to people all day long, they really just want somebody to listen to them talk without judgment.

 2. Therapists keep secrets. If you’re looking for someone trustworthy, a therapist is trained in confidentiality.
This also means they may be a bit socially awkward because they can't discuss the details of their work at the local dinner parties and after-work chat may be limited when you ask about their day.

 3. Therapists offer good advice and can help you make wise choices if you’re looking for input into a difficult situation.
Or they'll just sit their and ask you what you think you should do in various phrasings over and over until you've made the best decision yourself (... or have you?)

 4. Therapists are compassionate.
Which means they may often come home burnt out and just not have any compassion left when you want to talk to them at the end of the day so they tell you to just, "Deal with it".

5. A lot of people are in therapy. If your date is good at what he/she does, he/she has job security.
You may end up in therapy at multiple points in your marriage because everybody needs therapy- including you, and your marriage, and your kids etc.

 6. Therapists are acutely aware of emotional needs and the human condition. It’s safe to be vulnerable around them.
They carry a lot of emotions throughout the day while only showing clients brief snippets of their reactions. You will get to witness the full brunt and the crying meltdown if your spouse had a hard day or is feeling incredibly empathetic toward a client and their struggles. (You also get to see the good and great days, too. It can be a bit of a roller coaster.)

 7. Therapists want to see positive change take place and are proactive when it comes to problem-solving.
You may find yourself saying to your spouse, "I just want you to listen. Stop giving me solutions. "

 8. Therapists are good communicators. Not only do they listen well, they help people acknowledge their own weaknesses and make healthy decisions. Game-playing and cryptic comments won’t help clients, so neither are part of their communication arsenal.
Because they aren't usually cryptic with clients, they may overdo it with you at home because they don't want to seem like they are being too bossy and powerful in your marriage and want to make sure all decisions are very mutual.

 9. Therapists have seen and heard it all. Your date will not be intimidated by your crazy family.
But now you also understand why your spouse became a therapist- your in-laws. Of course he/she wasn't intimidated by your crazy family!

 10. Therapists might seem like intimidating dates, but they aren’t holier-than-thou. Rather, therapists are aware of their own weaknesses, insecurities and shortcomings. You’ll soon realize that your therapist significant other could be just as confused as you are at times.
You will see them at their lowest lows and wonder, "How could anybody pay him/her for help and guidance through problems and difficulties? He/She is barely keeping it together." or "Why does anybody pay a therapist when they are really just normal people?"

 11. Therapists are safe and consistent. When other people have crises, they call your date for wisdom, stability and security. Others trust that he/she will be there for them even when they make poor choices or little progress.
Your dates and quiet time could and will be interrupted by those friends that are having crises. If you are struggling, you may feel intimidated to reach out to your own spouse feeling that they already have too many other people to worry about.

 12. Therapists are interesting. Instead of small talk about the weather, your date can offer interesting facts and tidbits about human behavior. Even while keeping cases confidential, therapists still have plenty of entertaining stories to share.
The entertaining stories are often surrounding socially taboo topics and will usually make other guests blush or offer a courtesy laugh as they walk away, leaving you and your spouse alone.

 13. Therapists at work aren’t necessarily therapists at home. Don’t assume that a therapist is going to act or respond a certain way at home because of what he/she does for a living. Even the best therapists can neglect to make wise decisions during off hours. If you’re paranoid about getting analyzed during every fight, you may be surprised to find your date uninterested in using psychobabble outside the office.
You get to be the stronger one in the relationship and help buoy your partner when they are struggling. You will learn to pick on the smallest emotional or physical cues in your spouse and be ready to jump in at any moment to help him/her.

 14. Therapists are available to those who need them. You date will understand that in certain situations, it’s important to always be available. While this may be annoying for therapists’ partners, it’s encouraging to know that your therapist date is prepared to drop everything for you when times get tough.
He/she may often be running late from work due to client's doorknob therapy or most recent crisis because he/she needed to help the client become functional and commit to safety before ending the session.

 15. Therapists are emotionally strong. They help clients process heartbreaking stories all the time. If you need a shoulder to cry on, your partner will be capable of sharing the burden.
Therapists appear emotionally strong, but also get burdened at times and need a break. So, have your shoulder ready and your arms open to hold her.




*Please note that some of these may seem insensitive, but I'm just being brutally honest and/or attempting some humor here

Everything you wanted but were afraid to ask your psychotherapist

When attending psychotherapy sessions, of course we want to know why we can't get married or how to raise our self-esteem. But we are equally concerned about whether our psychotherapist has a family and how confident he is outside the office. Most of us will never dare to voice these questions, but they will not make us less worried about it.

It is worth noting that interest in the personality of the psychotherapist and his life outside the sessions is a natural consequence of psychological work. At some point in psychotherapy, your relationship with a specialist becomes trusting and close, and it is quite natural that you have a need to get to know him better and even make friends.

In turn, the psychotherapist is obliged to limit your curiosity, as required by professional ethics, and not to devote to the details of his personal life. However, the situation is aggravated by the ubiquitous Internet and social networks, which are tempting customers to tirelessly monitor and evaluate the life of specialists. Often, all this greatly slows down the psychotherapeutic process, and sometimes poisons the lives of both of its participants.

Let's analyze typical questions of this kind.

- How can she (the therapist) help me if she herself is still single/without children/divorced/too young/too old and so on...?

In other words, we are worried that the specialist's problems or some lack of experience (which we have) may prevent him from helping us. In fact, it is natural that a psychotherapist, like any other person, has his own difficulties in life. But, firstly, a true professional is constantly working on them with his therapist (supervisor), and secondly, psychotherapeutic knowledge is not the acquisition of a key to a specific problem, but the ability to feel into the client’s inner world, navigate it and find together with him the right way out. This means, for example, that a specialist does not need to have children to understand why you constantly worry about them.

- Why doesn't the psychotherapist talk about himself and his personal life, don't share his personal experience? Wouldn't that help you get closer to the client?

The fact is that a relationship with a psychotherapist is not at all like our relationship with friends or parents, in which we can share problems mutually. A very trusting, but one-way relationship is established between the specialist and the client. And this is done for greater "sterility" of psychotherapy - so that in the process of work a person can work out only what is generated by himself, and not by a specialist and his experiences.

Imagine that you went to a psychologist because you can't lose weight. And he would tell you that he understands you very much, since he himself is constantly struggling with being overweight. In this case, the process of psychotherapy will be disrupted, because you will begin to perceive all his words through the prism of the setting "What does he understand if he is the same."

- Is it okay if the therapist doesn't add me as a friend on Facebook ?

This is absolutely normal and even necessary. No matter how well the specialist treats you, he is simply obliged to limit your communication only to the framework of the office. By adding the client as a friend on social networks, the psychotherapist, as it were, gives the client a “green light” to violate boundaries - calls, messages, discussion of personal photos, and so on. As we discussed above, this extra information will give rise to a lot of fantasies and false attitudes in the client, which will only aggravate the process of therapy.

It is much more sensible and useful to limit your interest in a therapist to the scope of his profession - for example, subscribe to his publications and blog posts.

- Does the specialist think during the session that I am crazy/boring. Maybe he laughs at me to himself or condemns me?

If you have doubts and questions of this kind, then most likely they are the fruit of your own projections on a specialist. For example, if the client's parents did not pay attention to him or ignored his needs, then in the course of therapy he may have the illusion that he is not interesting to the psychologist.

In fact, what distinguishes professional psychotherapists from various charlatans is their unconditional and nonjudgmental acceptance of the client. That is, he perceives any of his experiences and thoughts as material for work, and not as a reason to laugh or evaluate according to the type of “bad” - “good”, “like” - “dislike”. If the therapist already has such reactions, then he simply has to work them out with the supervisor so that they do not interfere with his work.

The only exception is when the psychologist realizes that the client's experiences are obviously pathological and he needs psychiatric help. For example, if a person talks about voices from TV or visions, then there can be no talk of any acceptance - the specialist is simply obliged to send the client to the doctor.

- My therapist has so many clients. How is it enough for everyone?

Empathy - the ability to empathize with another person - is the main tool for the work of a psychologist. In this case, a person understands what the other feels, but does not mix his own and his state. Unlike empathy, sympathy - that is, sharing the experiences of another - has the property of "infecting" the other, influencing his state. So, the psychologist does not show sympathy for the client, and it is due to this that he retains the rationality of perception and can work with many people at once.

Otherwise, the therapist would simply “burn out” and be unable to work. Imagine that a client is experiencing grief from the loss of a loved one, crying. The sympathetic therapist will begin to cry with him, become upset himself, and eventually feel helpless instead of, for example, noticing the obvious guilt or anxiety that lies behind the client's tears.

“I had sex with a psychologist”

33,792

Human SexHuman

“After two meetings with a psychotherapist, I was supposed to sign up for the next one, but I hesitated. A week later, he called himself, asked what happened, said he was worried, 38-year-old Inna tells the story of her romance without much excitement. It was seven years ago, emotions had time to settle down.

“I lied about leaving. Then I became uncomfortable that he was worried about me, and I neglect it, and I called back. I dressed especially carefully for this meeting, I myself do not know why. At the end of the session, he asked about plans for the evening, I replied that I was free. We had dinner together and I gave him a movie CD that I liked. Then he called and offered to discuss this film. That time we went to the cinema. The next time we had dinner again ... and then rushed to each other - it was like a flash. He refunded my money for previous sessions.

Our romance lasted three months, and then it got to the point where it was time for me to decide whether to leave my husband or not. We needed a serious conversation, but none of us decided on it. Relations gradually faded away. And the problem that I came with just lost its significance in comparison with this storm of feelings.

Among American psychotherapists, 12% of men and 3% of women had sexual relations with their clients 1 . There are no Russian statistics on this subject, however, stories of those who have been harassed by a psychologist regularly appear on the Web. At the same time, such behavior is considered a gross violation of professional ethics. Why?

What's wrong with that?

For Inna, the story ended without any visible harm. True, she did not receive the psychological help she came to therapy for, but she was not offended or offended. However, the consequences of intimacy with a psychologist can be more dramatic for the client, ranging from self-doubt to self-worth and ending with suicide 2 .

We turn to a specialist to sort out our feelings and learn how to build more open, free and harmonious relationships with other people, but instead another complex, confusing and traumatic connection arises. In addition, deception occurs: the focus is shifted from the needs of the client to the desires of the therapist, and thus psychotherapy is effectively terminated. The client is under the delusion that he is still getting help.

The practitioner cannot have interests other than those of the client. But when he becomes sexually interested, the roles change: he begins to pursue and protect his own interests. Sometimes it comes to the point that he threatens to reveal the personal secrets of the client if he complains of sexual harassment, or inspires him with guilt, shifting responsibility for what happened to him.

Therapy must be interrupted if the therapist...

  • often compliments you about your sexuality;
  • escorts you home at the end of the session, usually the last one of the day;
  • made an appointment or invited you to visit;
  • admits to being attracted to you;
  • says that you are his favorite client and not like everyone else;
  • lets you know that he would like to continue his relationship with you after therapy.

Do clients seduce themselves?

“Then he said: “That day you were dressed in such a way that I understood that the girl is ready, and there is no need to be afraid of rejection,” Inna recalls. Coming to therapy, many really begin to unconsciously flirt.

The fact is that when we ask for help, whether it be psychological, medical or any other, we find ourselves in a situation of dependence and uncertainty. We are worried, not knowing what will happen to us, how they will help us, but we hope for a knowledgeable, intelligent and powerful specialist. That is, we return to the psychological state familiar from childhood, when parents had power over us. And our well-being and life depended on how much they like us, how much we “seduce” us into a good attitude towards us.

With a psychotherapist, we involuntarily reproduce this childish behavior of ours, calculated to deserve tenderness, care and care. We flirt, hoping that they will treat us better, provide more effective help, and not at all striving for sexual intimacy. But no matter how provocative we dress and behave, this is part of our habitual mode of action, and the task of the therapist is to work with him for our benefit, and not exploit him for his own benefit.

It is the psychotherapist's responsibility to ensure that flirting does not turn into a sensual connection.

Why is the psychologist doing this?

The motivation for the psychotherapist's sexual claims is most often not so much his sexual dissatisfaction as the enjoyment of his own power. That is, there is an abuse of power, even if the therapist sincerely believes that he is "saving" the client in this way. Alas, this is never true.

His actions are based on personal needs and aspirations, which he may not be aware of - in particular, the need for love, respect, admiration. Everyone has them, the difference is that the profession of a psychotherapist assumes that these needs (like others) are conscious and the professional finds ways to satisfy them outside of interaction with clients (among colleagues, friends and relatives).

The psychotherapist gains awareness of his needs, feelings and control over them through personal therapy, in which he himself takes the place of the client. However, not in all helping professions, personal therapy is a condition for obtaining a diploma. For example, hypnologists, NLP specialists, counseling psychologists are not required to undergo personal therapy.

Only medical graduates are allowed to practice psychotherapy in public institutions. But they are not obliged to undergo therapy themselves, and in the "Russian doctor's oath", unlike the Hippocratic oath, there is no promise to avoid sexual contact with patients.

Entering into non-psychotherapeutic relationships with clients is provoked by the cultural attitude inherent in modern Russian society

Entering into non-psychotherapeutic relationships with clients is also provoked by the cultural attitude inherent in modern Russian society - the tendency to "double relationships". It manifests itself in the fact that friends are hired, they have novels in the service, they give gifts to doctors, they provide services to teachers. The inadmissibility of such a kind of "double relationship" as sex with a client, in such conditions, is not realized by everyone.

But this can be neither an apology nor an excuse - a professional must clearly understand what he is doing and what consequences his actions will lead to. If the therapist experiences sexual desires in relation to the client, this is his psychological problem. Then he goes to supervision (analysis of work with a more experienced colleague) and sorts out his feelings. Together with the supervisor, he also decides whether his desires can be considered an obstacle to continuing psychotherapy - and if so, he refers the client to another therapist.

What if it's love?

The relationship between therapist and client cannot be love. They are initially unequal and arise in specially created conditions of intimacy: the therapist is focused on the client. Because of this, during therapy, there is a feeling that I am deeply understood and accepted as a person, and in return I feel gratitude and sympathy. The security and support provided by the therapist also opens up the possibility for us to express our sexual impulses that we have suppressed in our normal (unsafe) environment.

Attractiveness may be added to liking, and as a result we will experience falling in love with the therapist. He plays the role of a symbolic figure for us, onto which we freely project our feelings. After all, we meet him not in a real setting, where you can see how he manifests himself in different situations, but in the office, knowing practically nothing about him - his image was created by our fantasies.

It is therefore important for both the therapist and the client to clearly understand the difference between sexual experience and sexual action. Experiences are an important part of the experience of each person and, accordingly, the psychotherapeutic process. But sexual activities are unacceptable either during the sessions, or after them, or at the end of therapy. This is the use of the client, his vulnerability and ignorance: after all, he does not realize that his feelings are addressed to a symbolic object, and not to a real person.

The client always experiences the greatest disappointment (even if he is not humiliated or abandoned) when he discovers that his therapist has his own needs outside of his professional role, that he is not ready to meet him halfway and sacrifice his own interests.

But what to do if both the therapist and his client believe that a miracle has happened and their feelings for each other are not the result of psychotherapeutic interaction, but true love? Our experts are unanimous: it is the professional duty of the psychotherapist to stop therapy immediately, stop dating, refer the client to another specialist, and undergo supervision and personal therapy himself. Only after that they can meet and test their feelings in real life.

“It's like sex between an adult and a child”

Andrei Rossokhin, psychoanalyst

A psychotherapeutic meeting always takes place on two planes of reality: physical and mental. In physical reality, two adults are sitting opposite each other, and in psychic reality it often turns out that an adult (the therapist) is sitting opposite a small child, full of fantasies, childish excitement and desire for love.

It is this childish sexuality, not adult and real, but full of fantasies, curiosity, secrets and prohibitions, that is important for the psychoanalyst. Because its development, always conflicting, often determines the entire subsequent life of a person. A love relationship can arise between analyst and patient only as a result of an unconscious collusion between them: when both deny the existence of a psychic plane and begin to believe that all their feelings are real and adult.

If we keep in mind the psychic reality, then such relationships can be likened to sex between an adult and a child. When this happens in a therapist's office, it is virtually tantamount to child sexual abuse, with horrific traumatic consequences.

“Children's world with its language of tenderness is broken by adult sexuality with its language of passion,” wrote the Hungarian psychoanalyst Sandor Ferenczi. Let me emphasize: such an attraction can take by surprise not only “dissolute” consultants, but also quite “respectable” ones, who, by virtue of their reciprocal fantasies, will sincerely believe in the reality of love feelings.

So it was with Jung and his patient (and later lover) Sabine Spielrein: their story was the basis for David Cronenberg's film A Dangerous Method. A painful relationship with Sabina prompted Jung to turn to Freud for advice, and this incident helped Freud realize the power of unconscious collusion in the therapeutic relationship.

To prevent the psychoanalyst from falling into his trap and traumatizing the patient, Freud introduced the most important rule of training in psychoanalysis: each psychoanalyst must undergo his own psychoanalysis and work through his deepest problems.

What kind of relationship do we have?

Not every relationship with a psychologist is psychotherapy. “I called him to agree on the terms, and he replied that he didn’t take money for help, he offered to come to meet him first,” recalls 25-year-old Maria. “I explained that he was conducting business trainings, and that he was simply helping his acquaintances with advice.” For three months she came once a week, they drank tea, talked about her affairs.

“And then one day we moved from the kitchen to the bedroom,” Maria admits. “After that, every meeting ended with sex.” Maria was worried about uncertainty: they did not have common acquaintances (except for the person who gave her the psychologist's phone number), they did not go anywhere together, did not discuss their relationship. After another six months, she decided to stop meeting ... and she easily succeeded: “I just didn’t call. I was waiting for him to call himself, and then I would explain that I was not satisfied with the ambiguity between us. But he didn't show up. It hurts to think that I meant so little to him. He didn't even bother to find out what happened!"

Psychotherapy is not any relationship with a psychologist, but what happens after the conclusion of a “contract”

a written agreement between the client and the specialist on the provision of assistance, on the goals and methods of work, on the conditions, number of meetings and their cost. The contract enforces boundaries and establishes a distance between the client and the psychologist.

Today, as consumers of psychological services, we are becoming more and more qualified. But still, sometimes we fall into the trap of self-deception, trying to get advice or support for free. If we don't discuss the conditions under which we are being helped, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to decide whether those conditions are right for us or not. And when we feel indebted, grateful, or guilty (which happens with free help), we are much easier to manipulate.

Our responsibility

In the European Union and North America, sexual contact between a psychologist and a client is considered an administrative or criminal offense and is punishable by law. There are no such laws in Russia. But in all professional codes, sexual intercourse with a client is considered unacceptable.

In the case of sexual abuse by a psychologist, a client can file a complaint with the ethical committee of the professional community to which he or she belongs. The result in most cases will be the exclusion of a specialist from the professional community and the condemnation of colleagues. In extreme cases - in case of rape - you need to contact the police: this is a criminal offense.

So let's be careful when choosing a psychotherapist. Our decisions largely determine how qualified assistance we receive.

About the experts

Anna Varga — systemic family psychotherapist, board member of the Society of Family Counselors and Psychotherapists.

Nifont Dolgopolov — gestalt therapist, rector of the Moscow Institute of Gestalt and Psychodrama.

Andrey Rossokhin — psychoanalyst, head of the master's program "Psychoanalysis and Psychoanalytic Business Consulting" at the National Research University Higher School of Economics.

1 According to the US National Survey of Psychologist-Patient Sexual Involvement, see K. Pope "Prior Therapist-Patient Sexual Involvement Among Patients Seen by Psychologists", kspope.

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