Grief support for loss of pet
Pet Loss Resources | Lap of Love
We know how hard it is to cope with the loss of a pet, so we're here for you during this devastating time. Explore some of Lap of Love's pet loss support resources and discover the best ways to begin processing your painful loss.
Grief is different for everyone, including how long they grieve. Some people even feel that moving past their grief means they’re being disloyal to their pet. But moving forward isn't being disloyal, and you’ll start to know when you’re ready to begin the healing process. Time really does tend to mend a broken heart, and eventually you’ll start to know when the time is right for you. Throughout this page, you'll find plenty of resources designed to help you both grieve and overcome the loss of your pet, enabling you to move forward and live your life comfortably with the fond memories of your furry friend in your heart.
Anticipatory grief
Caring for a terminally ill or geriatric pet can be a challenge, often involving special care routines, frequent veterinary visits, and intense worry. Knowing that the time you have left with your beloved pet is limited can cause stress and anxiety. You may find yourself hoping for a natural death, or the “perfect” death.
Many pet owners experience anticipatory grief at this stage of their pet’s journey. Anticipatory grief occurs prior to actually losing your pet, and consists of a range of emotions including fear, guilt, anxiety, and frustration. Anxiety surrounding the anticipation of death is normal, but allowing the anxiety to overwhelm you can interfere with your ability to enjoy the remaining time you have with your pet.
Being prepared for this stage of your pet’s life is the best way to deal with anticipatory grief, and help your pet. Begin preparing and planning for your pet’s passing by asking yourself the following questions:
How do I envision the last few moments of my pet's life?
Where do I want the last few moments to take place? Who should be present? Is there anything I don’t want to happen?
How do I feel about euthanasia?
Do I understand the process? Do I have questions for my vet?
What can I do now so I can look back and think, "This was the perfect passing?" and "I have no regrets?"
Are there any “bucket list” items I want to experience with my pet? What can I do to make my pet feel extra special?
While it’s extremely difficult to face the prospect of life without your pet, answering these questions will help you prepare as your pet’s time draws near.
Thoughtful, advanced planning will help alleviate much of your anxiety so you can focus on providing your pet with compassionate physical care. Making your pet’s last days extra special, with lots of love, and their favorite toys, activities, and food also may ease your grieving heart.
If you are experiencing anticipatory grief, or find it difficult to answer the above questions, an in-home consultation with one of our veterinarians may be beneficial.
Support groups
Pet loss support groups can provide a safe and non-judgmental place for family members to go to be able to share their feelings and experiences, whether it be before or after the loss of their beloved pet. Support groups are a place where family members will meet others who understand what they're going through, as many times your own family and friends may not completely understand your grief. Many groups welcome children as well.
To find a pet loss support group in your area, contact your local veterinarian for recommendations or find them online on your veterinary hospital’s website or by searching for groups in your area.
Explore Lap of Love's Pet Loss Support Groups
Pet loss support groups
Distance therapy
Not all counseling needs to be away from your home. Distance therapy is available and can be just as helpful. Click here for the website that was created by Marty Tousley, RN, MS, FT, DCC. She has been a hospice counselor for 17 years. Marty is a registered nurse with a Master’s in Advanced Psychiatric Mental-Health Nursing, was awarded the Fellow in Thanatology (advanced certification for professionals in the fields of grief, loss, and transition) and is a Distance Credentialed Counselor. Her website is designed to help those who are anticipating or mourning the loss of their loved ones, regardless of species! The website includes discussion groups, healing courses, resources, and a blog to help you find comfort.
Universities that offer counseling
There may be a university nearby that has its own veterinary hospital and licensed clinical social worker on site.
This is a rapidly growing field and the veterinary community has made some very important strides to support their clients and fellow animal advocates. These counselors are available to the families of patients at university hospitals and many also counsel members in the community. They offer a lot of great resources on their sites as well.
Pet Loss Grief Resource | Best Friends Animal Society
Below are a number of resources to help you cope if you are grieving the loss of a pet.
HOTLINES AND SUPPORT GROUPS FOR COPING WITH GRIEF OVER THE DEATH OF A DOG, CAT OR OTHER PET
Grief Healing: This website lists a number of helplines.
The Pet Loss Support Page: Lists hotlines and contains many other resources.
Veterinary Medical Center at Michigan State University, 517-353-5420.
The pet loss support group, run by Veterinary Social Work Services at MSU’s Veterinary Medical Center, offers a safe place for individuals and families to express their feelings.
Meetings are held the second and fourth Thursdays of every month at 6:30 p.m. in the Veterinary Medical Center. There is no charge for this service.
PET LOSS AND GRIEF WEBSITES AND WEBPAGES
The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement is a nonprofit association of concerned volunteers who are knowledgeable about the tender subject of pet death and dedicated to helping people during this very special kind of bereavement. The website contains an extensive list of resources related to pet loss.
The Companion Animal Association of Arizona has a Pet Grief Support Service that provides pet-loss resources. The association is operated entirely by volunteers who themselves have suffered the loss of a pet.
The Argus Institute, at the College of Veterinary Medicine at Colorado State University, honors the human-animal bond by providing compassionate support and advocacy for people who care about animals. The webpage contains links to pet loss resources, including recommended reading for both adults and children.
The Two Hearts Pet Loss Center contains pet loss and grief counseling resources for pet parents and veterinary professionals.
Lap of Love offers a network of veterinarians around the country with the goal of empowering pet parents to care for their geriatric animals. The site includes resources for quality-of-life assessment and pet loss.
Letters to Pushkin allows you to express yourself and find healing through letter writing. You can write a letter directly to your pet, upload a photo and, if you wish, make your letter public so that others can read it. You can also return to the website and read your letter days or even years later.
RECOMMENDED ONLINE ARTICLES FOR ANIMAL LOSS SUPPORT
On the Pet Loss Support Page can be found various articles by Moira Anderson Allen, M.Ed., including “Ten Tips on Coping with Pet Loss.”
RECOMMENDED BOOKS TO COPE WITH LOSING A PET
Goodbye, Friend by Gary Kowlaski
Kowalski’s book is full of sound, compassionate advice to get through the loss of a pet.
Included are ideas for rituals and ceremonies, spiritual guidance and readings for solace. Kowalski includes advice on how to take care of yourself after the death of a pet and the importance of honesty when talking with children about this event.
Saying Goodbye to the Pet You Love by Lorri A. Greene, Ph.D.
Written by a psychologist who is a leader in the field of pet bereavement, this practical but sympathetic guide validates the survivor’s often misunderstood feelings, explains the importance of the human-animal bond, and offers strategies for working through the grieving process. Topics include memorializing the pet, recognizing problematic thinking, finding support, dealing with guilt and explaining the pet’s death to a child. The special needs of the guardians of working animals are addressed, as are self-help resources for the elderly.
Grieving the Death of a Pet by Betty Carmack
Written by a nurse and professional pet-loss counselor, this book draws from her experience of counseling people who have lost a beloved pet, as well as the loss of her own furry friends.
Carmack offers pet-loss support to counter “a world that reminds us repeatedly that grief for an animal doesn’t count as much as grief for a person.” The book is poignant and sometimes heartrending, filled with personal stories of love and loss.
Pet Loss: A Spiritual Guide by Julia Harris
This book helps readers to understand the many emotional reactions to the loss of a pet; assist children in coping with and recovering from their loss; and learn how different spiritual belief systems recognize and counsel pet loss. Practical topics include what hap-pens at a pet cemetery burial, cremation or home burial; what legal arrangements are available; how to develop a ceremony to honor the pet; and how to cope with the trauma of a terminally ill or runaway pet.
Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates by Gary Kurz
This book can help you cope with the loss of a pet and tries to answer questions about pet afterlife.
When Only the Love Remains by Emily Margaret Stuparyk
This book is a collection of poignant poems.
Three Cats, Two Dogs: One Journey Through Multiple Pet Loss by David Congalton
The author talks about how he transformed his anguish over the loss of several pets into a commitment to abused and abandoned animals. This down-to-earth book offers solace and practical suggestions for coping with grief. Anyone who has an animal companion will find this story inspirational and hopeful.
PS. I Love You More Than Tuna by Sarah Chauncey, illustrated by Francis Tremblay
When a beloved feline dies, many cat lovers are not prepared for the profound sadness accompanying the loss. Our grief is often minimized by a society that has a long way to go until it can recognize the depth of grief we carry in our hearts for our departed cats. The author and illustrator of this book, however, do understand. Both cat lovers, Chauncey and Tremblay have created a gift book for adults trying to cope with losing a feline soulmate. Their belief that the love between a cat and her person is eternal is comforting and will be a source of solace for readers.
For children and teenagers:
Dog Heaven and Cat Heaven by Cynthia Rylant
These books will appeal to children from preschool to grade two. The simple, colorful illustrations take the child on a journey to Dog Heaven or Cat Heaven, places of warmth and happiness. In Dog Heaven, there are “fields and fields and fields,” and in Cat Heaven, there are thousands of toys and soft angel laps in which to cuddle up. God is depicted as a kindly older man who benevolently watches over his charges.
Tear Soup by Pat Schweibert
This book tells the story of an old woman named Grandy who is making “tear soup.” It’s not specifically about the death of a pet (the reader is not sure what loss Grandy has suffered) so the book is relevant for any grieving process. The full-color illustrations are wonderful. The book is recommended for ages four to eight, but it has been a comfort to people of all ages.
For Every Dog an Angel and For Every Cat an Angel by Christine Davis
These small short books, which tell the story of the Rainbow Bridge, are beautifully illustrated in whimsical watercolors.
They are appropriate for a wide range of ages.
My Cat Is Blue by Sarah Sommer
This children's book by an award-winning author features rhymes, illustrations that evolve from grayscale to full color, and a story of pet loss that examines grief from the viewpoints of those directly affected by it and those in supporting roles.
Watch a video of Sarah reading her book aloud »
For therapists:
Pet Loss and Human Emotion: Guiding Clients Through Grief by Cheri Barton Ross and Jane Baron-Sorensen
This unique guide, written for mental health professionals, serves as a practical introduction to the field of human-animal bonding. The authors feel strongly that pet loss needs to be understood by therapists and others in the helping professions, to better enable them to help clients through this type of grief. Citing several case studies, the book describes various techniques for helping clients cope with the loss of a pet. There are chapters on working with children and the elderly.
The Rainbow Bridge poem for pet loss
The Rainbow Bridge poem offers peace and comfort to those who just lost a beloved best friend. There are many versions and variations of this poem, and the original author of “Rainbow Bridge” is unknown.
Rainbow Bridge
There is a bridge connecting Heaven and Earth.
It is called the Rainbow Bridge because of all its beautiful colors.
Just this side of the Rainbow Bridge there is a land of meadows,
hills and valleys with lush green grass.
When a beloved pet dies, the pet goes to this place,
there is always food and water and warm spring weather.
The old and frail animals are young again.
Those who were sick, hurt or in pain are made whole again.
There is only one thing missing.
They are not with their special person who loved them so much on earth.
So each day they run and play until the day comes
when one suddenly stops playing and looks up!
The nose twitches! The ears are up!
The eyes are staring and this one runs from the group!
You have been seen and when you and your special friend meet,
you take him in your arms and hug him.
He licks and kisses your face again and again,
and you look once more into the eyes of your best friend and trusting pet.
Then you cross the Rainbow Bridge together, never again to be apart.
Author unknown
Learn about Best Friends memorials and placement at Angels Overlook and Angels Rest »
advice and recommendations from veterinarians
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In this article we will touch on a difficult question. How to deal with the loss of an animal?
Losing pets is hard. We live with them a lot of emotions, they become our true friends, family members, we care about them and love them. A strong bond is formed between man and animal. This is why the loss of a pet is so hard.
Below we will tell you about the stages of living with grief, so that you understand what happens to a person in the process of loss and advise on how to survive the loss yourself or help another.
Stages of grief:
Shock. A state of numbness, lack of reaction to strong stimuli (they shout at you, but you do not hear), lack of emotional reactions.
⠀• At this stage, all you can do for yourself or for another is to be near or in contact with yourself. After a while, the owner of the pet will come to his senses, and the presence of someone who can help will be important to him. The result of living this stage is the recognition of what happened: this could really happen. It will take a long time before the full acceptance of the fact of death.
Negation. "This couldn't happen."
At this stage, you will be waiting for the pet to come running to the door when you get home. You can habitually put food in his bowl or go to the cage to pet the rodent. If the animal died in the clinic, you will wait for the doctor's call that the pet has woken up. But every time you will face the inevitable reality - the pet is no more.
• From now on, it is important to support yourself: cry, scream, experience emotions and feelings as you feel comfortable.
You need a lot of energy and strength to live through the loss, give them to yourself. Be attentive to the environment: if they say “this is nonsense, just a hamster, we will buy a new cat”, etc. better limit communication with these people for a while. That kind of support won't help.
• If you want to support a loved one at the time of the loss of an animal, just be there. Speak out the person’s emotions (yes, you are in unbearable pain right now), provide a supportive environment.
Most importantly, do not devalue feelings and do not offer to "make sure" of death (look, he died), so you will not do better.
Aggression.
⠀ At this stage, in addition to grief, pain and sadness, anger also appears: At oneself, doctors, relatives and anyone who was involved in the life of an animal. It is important to remember that this anger is not real. More often than not, we cannot pinpoint who is responsible for the death of an animal (yes, there are exceptions).
This anger is about general anger at the situation, at injustice. It's about your pain and despair.
⠀• Help yourself to be angry. But remember that looking for someone to blame will lead to nothing but quarrels. And if you help another to survive the loss, contain his anger: “Yes, you are angry now, I understand you, I am near and hear everything.”
Depression.
This stage is characterized by unemotional living. When there is no more strength to cry, get angry, scream. You simply exist. But inside you are still hurt and sad.
⠀• It is important to live this state and stay in it. Don't rush yourself, give yourself as much time as you need.
Adoption.
Acceptance and awareness of the fact that the pet is no more. Getting used to a new life without him. At this stage, you will already be able to remember your pet without much pain. You will have bright memories of a friend, of those pleasant feelings that you experienced while living together.
Things to remember:
We can overcome grief.
Give yourself time.
Your experiences are important.
⠀ If you can’t cope on your own, seek help from a specialist, this is a normal practice. you will not be judged.
Do not forget about sleep, food and physical activity.
Support the body so that you have the strength to support yourself.
To help everyone who is faced with the loss of a pet, there is a wonderful children's book "Farewell, Mr. Muffin." Even if you are an adult, or you need to tell a child about the death of an animal, this book will help you find the right words or support you a little in coping with grief.
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Coping with the death of a pet
On January 28, I woke up in the morning and saw a message from my mother, which consisted of only three sentences: “Sorry for the bad news.
Styopa has died. Don't call yet, I can't talk about it." Styopa was a sixteen-year-old cat with whom I lived for 13 years, and regularly looked after him for the other three. I was sure that I had come to terms with his age and the fact that at any moment something could go wrong. Nothing prepared me for the fact that surviving his death would be so hard. That I won't be able to spend the night at home alone for three days, and then I will remove all his photographs and diligently not look into the corners where he usually slept.
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When I read this article, I felt like an impostor. How can I write about coping with the death of a pet if I still haven't gotten over it? Yes, I have read dozens of articles on the topic, I can already work calmly and see people. But I still haven't returned Styopa's photos to their old place, and sometimes I unexpectedly cry at breakfast when I look at the kitchen window, where he often lay and watched the birds.
But over the last couple of weeks, I've learned that grief and grief are feelings that go away slowly. Recovering from the death of a pet is like a roller coaster: one day you feel great, and the next you cry in the kitchen, soldering yourself with strong sweet tea. Even after a few months, I can hardly confidently say that I finally survived the loss of Styopa. Therefore, I hope that the advice and recommendations that I have collected can still help those who find themselves in a situation where you lose a very important being, but the world around you requires you to move on, work and function.
"It's just an animal"
Some friends and acquaintances often try to comfort the bereaved with words like, "It's just an animal." Why do we take the death of a pet so hard if it really is “just an animal”?
“The pain people experience when they lose a pet is the real pain of losing a loved one.
And for many, it can be compared to the pain of losing a friend, relative, partner.
The phrase "just an animal" does not sound very correct. After all, it is not the loss of an animal that brings pain, but the loss of a close creature, to which there was a strong emotional attachment. Often, the sense of loss is compounded by the suddenness of the event, the illness of a pet, or an accident. That is, it often becomes a traumatic experience. The reaction of people is very individual and depends on a huge number of factors. But in any case, this is a loss - in the full sense of the word.
Svetlana Suleimanova, REBT therapist, clinical psychologist. Graduated from the Russian State University for the Humanities in general psychology, psychology of personality, history of psychology In the early days, when the pain is still bright, we can use them to explain everything that happens to us. And sometimes the manifestation of these stages is mixed up within the framework of one day - you cannot imagine that this really happened, you are angry with yourself and those around you.
And for a few minutes you can achieve peace, accepting that you did everything you could and you can’t fix anything. But the next morning comes, and everything seems to return to the starting point. That is why grief is compared to a roller coaster. Remember that all this is a normal reaction, from which the first and, perhaps, the most important advice comes out.
Give yourself time
The process of experiencing grief should not be forced or rushed. There is no set schedule for it. Naturally, we want unpleasant emotions to end as soon as possible. However, holding back our feelings and denying sadness, we only postpone the collision with negative emotions. If you feel like crying and screaming, find a safe place to do it. Don't hold yourself back. It is also very important not to blame yourself for going through grief for a long time - each of us has a different pace.
“It is important to go through all the stages of acceptance and experience all the emotions that arise during this process – grief, guilt, depression, and emptiness inside.
This is important for long-term well-being. If people forbid themselves to be sad, longing and experiencing pain, this can negatively affect psychological well-being. ”
Svetlana Suleimanova
Listen to the feeling of guilt
Feeling guilty after the death of a pet is a fairly common occurrence. When I received a message from my mother, the thought immediately came to me that I had not taken enough care of the cat in his last weeks of life. After talking with my parents, I noticed that their guilt also manifests itself, but in other moments: they could not save and cure. In fact, it doesn’t matter what the pet died from. Regret and anger at ourselves arise in many people, even if deep down we understand that we did our best. This is largely due to the fact that we loved the animal very much and felt a great responsibility for it.
There is little that can be done about guilt in the first days after a loss, as it is strongly tied to our vivid emotions. However, try to regularly remind yourself that you have done everything you could to ensure that your pet has a good life.
Find support
When we grieve, we often want to isolate ourselves. Such a desire can be understood: in the first days, usually the whole body burns with pain, and it seems wrong to shift and splash it out on relatives and friends. However, in dealing with grief, it is very important to speak out. It could be a description of your condition or stories about the good time you had with your pet. Seek help from loved ones.
There is a risk that someone will tell you: “Well, it's just a cat, a dog, a turtle. Get a new one." You can try to explain that such words do not help you in any way and they are incorrect.
However, if you do not have the strength to do this, try to limit communication with this person for a while. It often helps to communicate with people who have also experienced the loss of a pet.
If you cannot recover from a loss for a long time and do not feel that you are getting at least a little better, contact a psychologist - you will not only be able to talk to him, but also understand where and how to move on.
Don't forget about important rituals
Rituals associated with death are often associated specifically with the loss of a person - for example, funerals. However, in the case of a pet, they can help deal with your trauma. Funerals allow you to openly and in a safe environment, together with loved ones, express your feelings. If you feel like it, make a paper album with photos of your pet to keep in memory of him.
After death, a person encounters a void inside — rituals allow filling it with pleasant and good memories.
Of course, this will not automatically help you deal with grief. But it will take a step from mourning to celebrating a good and fulfilling life.
Take care of yourself
During periods when you are experiencing particularly vivid sadness, it is important not to forget about your mental and physical health. Yes, it will be difficult, so the easiest way is to make a list with items that you need to follow daily:
take a shower;
have breakfast, lunch and dinner regularly;
do light exercise;
go out for at least ten minutes a day.
Think about everything you do regularly and try to keep doing it. Remember to praise yourself for small changes - if you were able to calmly look at photos of a pet or did not cry at the memory, make a mental note and be glad of it.
What better not to do
“Actually, there can be no strict no in such cases. But there are solutions that I would call the least effective and environmentally friendly:
Get a new pet right away - in such cases, they often choose the most similar to the deceased. Yes, a new animal in this case will drown out the pain, but it just needs to be lived through.
Abruptly get rid of everything related to the pet: throw away things, delete photos, forbid others to remember him. Such decisions can delay the recovery process after what happened, since it is important to first say goodbye to the departed and realize that he is no more.
Forbid oneself to experience heavy, negative emotions — the stronger the ban, the more difficult the process of experiencing the loss will be.
Promising yourself not to get attached to anyone (animal, human) in the future - usually this does not help much either in a particular situation or in the future.
Any extremes, be it actions, thoughts or experiences, will not help much in returning to a normal state. Therefore, I would recommend that you act first of all with compassion for yourself and your emotions. Everything else is more a matter of individual preference.”
Svetlana Suleymanova
I would like to emphasize that there are no strict prohibitions. When I took a comment from Svetlana, I was very scared by the recommendation not to take the animal right away. My parents went to the shelter two days after Styopa's death, although they had gone through all the stages before that, from “we will never get a cat again” to “we don’t need to be so attached anymore.” The reason was simple - they could not go home, knowing that it was empty.
Now they have been living with a kitten for a week now.
