How to be non judgemental
Five Tips for Nonjudgmental Listening
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By Mental Health First Aid USA on August 15, 2019
It’s hard to be nonjudgmental all the time. We automatically make judgments about people from the minute we first see or meet them based on appearance, behavior and what they say. And that’s okay. Nonjudgmental listening isn’t about avoiding those judgments – it’s about making sure that you don’t express those negative judgments because that can get in the way of helping someone in need.
When you’re trying to be there for your friend, neighbor or colleague, it’s important to maintain a positive attitude and open mind to truly be supportive. Use these Mental Health First Aid tips to be an effective nonjudgmental listener for those around you.
- Reflect on your own state of mind.
Before approaching someone with your concerns, it’s important to make sure you are in the right frame of mind to talk and listen without being judgmental. Reflect on your own state of mind to make sure you are feeling calm, open and ready to help your peer in need. - Adopt an attitude of acceptance, genuineness and empathy.
Adopting an attitude of acceptance means respecting the person’s feelings, personal values and experiences as valid, even if they are different from your own or you disagree with them. Taking time to imagine yourself in the other person’s place can help you be more genuine and empathic. - Use verbal skills to show that you’re listening.
Simple verbal skills can help you show the person that you’re actively listening. This includes asking questions, listening to tone of voice and nonverbal cues being used, using minimal prompts like “I see” and “ah” and not interrupting the person to give them time to express their thoughts and feelings. - Maintain positive body language.
Positive body language can show the person that you’re listening and truly care. This includes maintaining comfortable eye contact, sitting down instead of standing, sitting alongside and angled toward the person rather than directly opposite him or her and maintaining an open body position.
- Recognize cultural differences.
If you are helping someone from a cultural background different from your own, you might need to adjust some verbal and nonverbal behaviors, such as the level of eye contact or amount of personal space. Be prepared to discuss what is culturally appropriate and realistic for the person or seek advice from someone from the same cultural background before engaging with him or her.
These tips are just a place to start. You can also get trained in Mental Health First Aid and learn about other ways to listen nonjudgmentally and support those around you. The MHFA Action Plan – ALGEE – will help you approach and talk to a person in distress and respond in a safe and effective way to get them the help they need. Get trained today and #BeTheDifference in the lives of your loved ones.
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Judgement - The Berkeley Well-Being Institute
Non-JudgementWhat is non-judgment? Why is it important to practice emotional non-judgment? And how do you become a non-judgmental person? By Tchiki Davis, MA, PhD *This page may include affiliate links; that means I earn from qualifying purchases of products. What is non-judgement?Experiential non-judgment is defined as a willingness to remain in contact with aversive experiences or negative emotions [1]. When we have emotional judgments, these are secondary (or meta-emotional) thoughts about the original experience. For example, you may get angry about something and then start feeling guilty for feeling angry. This is how emotional judgment can lead to a cascade of negative emotions. When you are non-judgemental, you unconditionally accept your emotions and don’t judge yourself for having those emotions. What does it mean to be nonjudgmental?Non-judgment doesn't mean that we never make judgments. It's human nature to evaluate things and determine whether they are positive negative or neutral. What is problematic for our well-being is when we hold onto those judgments. In order to let go of our judgements, we need to first be aware of what they are. Video: Non-judgment in mindfulnessWhy is it important to practice non-judgement?It's important to remember that our emotions evolved over many generations to help us survive and thrive. That means all emotions serve important functions. In fact, negative emotions have benefits. For example, sadness can help us get social support and anger can help us accomplish things that improve our situation. When we judge these emotions, we only suppress and repress them, making it more difficult for them to their jobs. In contrast, the ability to accept your emotions and not make negative judgments about yourself or your feelings prevents a lot of excess negative emotions from emerging. How to practice non-judgmentJust like all emotional skills, non-judgment is a skill that can be developed and improved over time. Here are some ways to build your non-judgment skills:
Activities to develop emotional non-judgment
Here's a non-judgement mindfulness meditationReferences
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About Dr. Tchiki Davis Dr. Davis is founder of The Berkeley Well-Being Institute. Top Articles:
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Once we identify our judgments, we can actively let them go, perhaps by imagining them floating away like clouds. When we learn to stop judging our experiences, we can just be. We are truly present in the moment and can enjoy it more.
After getting her PhD in psychology at Berkeley, she started creating online content & programs to boost well-being—some of these have reached more than a million people. As author of Outsmart Your Smartphone, and contributor to Psychology Today, The Greater Good Science Center, and Shine Text, Dr. Davis aims to share her insights on happiness & health with people all across the world. Learn more about Dr. Davis.
.. I want to stop judging | PSYCHOLOGIES
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Get to know yourself A man among people
Stop judging and criticizing, look distantly and kindly at others, at situations and at yourself ... .
I also have my own opinion about everything and everyone. But I worry long and deeply about how others perceive and evaluate me. I tend to judge people by quickly labeling them.
I have noticed more than once: when the interlocutor cannot keep up the conversation on a topic that interests me, does not know some names, has not read some books, I instantly have the thought: “He is stupid. Don't do business with him anymore."
“Is it possible to understand this in such a way that sometimes you make assessments too quickly and this prematureness prevents you from understanding a person and continuing communication?” asks Tatyana Yudeeva.
We tend to judge others when we are especially vulnerable and need support ourselves
This is true: I instantly react to gaps in the knowledge of others, but if the interlocutor does not know something that I do not know, this seems quite natural to me.
“It is worth taking into account that the reference points can be different,” reminds the psychologist. Yes, this is true: I remembered how my classmate Lyuda asked me who Akhmatova was at school. I explained, but then for a long time I considered her a fool.
Once we were assigned to make a wall newspaper together, and it turned out that Luda draws beautifully, loves dogs and is generally very nice. That evening, when we laughed at our own poems and caricatures, I seemed to see her - I used to appreciate it, but at that moment I saw it.
Raise self-esteem
Why do we need to evaluate the people around us, and evaluate them mostly negatively? American psychologist, founder of individual psychology Alfred Adler believed that in this way we put ourselves on a pedestal, increase our self-esteem.
The depreciation of others is like a preemptive strike. We usually do this when we are especially vulnerable, when it is important for us to know that we are loved and accepted for who we are.
We often gossip because, judging others, we seem to confirm that we are not like that, and these qualities do not concern us in any way.
I noticed that the more I judge someone, the more I doubt myself. Well, gossip is a stupid thing to do. “It can be assumed that you are increasingly thinking:“ I am so old, a lot of time is wasted ... ”Tatyana Yudeeva is interested.
How will I feel if I don't gossip around my friends?
Yes, I'm living the second half of my life - not that there's not much time left, but I don't want to waste it on things that I'm no longer interested in. Therefore, ties with friends who still like to discuss others are destroyed. “Now you are thinking about how to fill your communication now?” the psychologist asks.
“A wise man is unlikely to amuse himself with empty talk,” I explain hesitantly. “He thinks about the world, about himself...”
But the psychologist asks: “What, fools don't think about it? It seems that when you evaluate yourself and your friends, you are based on certain criteria.
It is worth understanding how they arose and why you have set yourself such a high bar.
You can't live up to it and that's why you feel constant dissatisfaction with yourself. Ask yourself: what would I like from life? How will I feel if I don’t gossip around my friends?”
Automatic thoughts
“But if everyone around me deserves a negative assessment, then the world becomes an unpleasant place where you don’t really want to be,” I reflect. "And if that's the case?" Tatyana Yudeeva smiles.
No, I don't agree with that. “No,” I answer. - It’s not the world itself that is terrible, but the fact that I am constantly evaluated in it, perceived worse than I am. I can see it by intonation, by looks, by the fact that someone is happy when they meet, but not me.
In early December, we went to the cinema with some friends and met Maxim — I remember well how he smiled at the sight of Katya, how he tightly hugged Oksana... And how he turned in my direction and muttered: “Hello!” I was hurt.
It seemed that now they would all go somewhere together, but without me.
“I am separate, I am an outsider,” the psychologist repeats my words. - This is your idea. What do you feel? - "I'm offended." - "And what are you doing?" “I’m leaving,” I say, and I understand that I always leave in such cases.
You spontaneously choose the same way of thinking. It's hard for you to think differently
But that evening no one went anywhere, everyone went to different subway exits and different streets. “Your forecast was not confirmed, no one considered you superfluous,” sums up Tatyana Yudeeva. “But he was really happy for her, but not for me,” I argue.
“And who said that this man should treat all women equally? - the psychologist stuns me. "Why should he treat you the same way he treats the girl he hugged?" And treat you the same way as with her? And in general, it’s not about how he behaved, but about what you expected from this meeting.
“Is everyone supposed to adore me and demonstrate it in every possible way?” I ask, a little embarrassed. “And if this does not happen, then you consider yourself superfluous and move away, catapult,” Tatyana Yudeeva responds.
— And now a very important question: why do you have exactly these (the same) thoughts in similar situations? Could they be different?"
To see the situation differently
We are sorting through the options, and I understand that I would hardly have coped with this alone: thoughts do not want to flow in the other direction.
“Great! the psychologist suddenly rejoices. - This just says that you involuntarily choose the same style of thinking. It's hard for you to think differently. And I can tell you this: if a person says “Goodbye, I’m gone” and quickly leaves, then it can be difficult for another to simply call him, call him back.
Maybe someone you know thinks you have something to do. And some people and the back is very expressive, repulsive.
They might think: "Inna doesn't want to go with us, she has her own secrets, she doesn't like us very much..."
Next we talk about thoughts that prevent you from looking at the situation more broadly. “We each have beliefs about ourselves and other people,” explains the psychologist. - They are not always formulated in words, but we live in accordance with them.
One person has the belief “I am smart”, and he will behave everywhere based on this. The other says, "I'm stupid." Someone is sure: "I am good (caring, loyal, cheerful)." And depending on these ideas about ourselves, certain thoughts appear in us.
You can get rid of automatic thoughts if you learn to observe them.
It's hard for me to break out of this circle: it's no coincidence that I didn't come up with other options for behavior in Maxim's case. “And you could not leave, but smile at him, come up, hug or say: “Well, hug me, I also want to,” the psychologist suggests and gives me homework.
The next time I feel like I'm superfluous again, don't run away, but try to behave differently.
You can get rid of automatic thoughts if you learn to observe them. After all, we, oddly enough, do not notice what exactly we thought at one time or another, we do not see the patterns of our thinking, and as a result we feel longing, constant tension and anxiety.
Therefore, it is so important to be attentive to yourself at the first moment of communication with an unfamiliar interlocutor, the first day of work in a new place: imagine that you open the door before entering the room and say: “Hello!” And “catch” the thought that arises in you at that moment - it may turn out to be unexpected.
“Try to keep a diary, write down your thoughts,” sums up Tatiana Yudeeva. “Since childhood, we have been dragging a suitcase full of beliefs with us, and such a diary allows us to revise it and throw out the unnecessary.
And when we manage to do this, we achieve the goal of living more consciously, understanding what is happening to us, and ultimately being a friend to ourselves.
“Non-judgment is the key to love”
Patrice Gourier, priest, psychologist
From the heartfelt injunction of the Gospel (“Judge not, lest you be judged”) to Buddhist principles (“Things are neither bad nor good, they (just) is"), from the Qur'an ("Do not slander one another") to the Talmud ("Do not judge your neighbor before you take his place"), non-judgment is a life principle proclaimed by most spiritual traditions.
First of all, because it is a prerequisite for the social world: not to judge is to agree with difference. And consequently - to live in harmony with others, overcoming fear, to win in tolerance, gratitude, in love. Three basic common spiritual values are also reflected in the Christian tradition.
Psychologies: The gospel is replete with calls for non-judgment - how are they to be understood?
Patrice Gourier: They must be taken as a necessary consequence of the second commandment, "Love your neighbor as yourself.
" It's about not judging others, and not judging yourself. Judgment always springs from fear. But it is impossible to live in fear and in love at the same time, and the whole meaning of the gospel is contained in these words: "Love one another." Non-judgment is the key to learning to love others and ourselves better.
How do you personally achieve this?
P.G. I do mindfulness meditation. As we return through our body and our senses to the present moment, we experience a sense of the oneness of life. Psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan argued that our spirit always hovers between the real, the imaginary and the ideal. More often than not, we turn our backs on reality in order to live in an ideal and imaginary world. Returning to our body, we return to reality, as we feel it from the inside, we part with stereotypes, a priori judgments, and fear. In the gospel, Jesus says, "Judge not." He invites us to inner silence so that others and God can access us.
This is nonjudgment.
Text: Inna Fikhtengolts, Eleonora Kachanova Photo credit: Getty Images, OPALE AGENCY/FOTOLINK
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About why it is so customary and natural to condemn, how and why to fight it, why Christ does not judge anyone and what to do with the concept of the Last Judgment, the rector of the Church of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary in Krylatskoye, who ministers to the clergy of the Western Vicariate of Moscow, Archpriest Georgy Breev .
April 29 the second anniversary of the death of Father George
If we look into ourselves and try to see our inclinations, we can easily notice that we already have a habit of judging.
Priests, when confessing people, very rarely meet a person who could say: "But I do not condemn anyone." It's nice to hear, but such a state is rather an exception...
Condemnation is a manifestation of our pride, which we assign to ourselves the opportunity to judge another person. Self-exaltation is characteristic of every person, it is deeply instilled in all of us. The feeling of complacency, self-worth always warms us from the inside: “He is so handsome, good, and I am even more beautiful and better!” - and immediately our hearts are warm. Everything pleasant that we hear in our address pleases us, and just say something contrary to our opinion about ourselves ... oh, my brother! Some even become furious with this: “What did you tell me?!” A sense of self-worth can be a strong incentive to achieve many heights, this is a powerful engine! But still, we know that he works on the energies of the flesh, the earth.
And we know that Scripture says: "God opposes the proud"...
The feeling of pride cannot be overcome, it is very strong. And if a person does not fight him, does not reject him from himself, then naturally he needs to judge others from the height of his conceit: “I am so high and perfect, but around me I don’t see perfection, therefore I have the right to reason and hang "labels" on others. And now people are trying to get together, talk, discuss how that one lives, like this one. And they themselves do not notice how they begin to condemn, while justifying themselves: "I do not condemn, I reason." But in such reasoning there is always a tendency to depict a person in gloomy, dark colors.
This is how we begin to take upon ourselves what does not belong to us—judgment. And most of the time, we don't do it openly. For example, let's look at someone and think to ourselves: "Yeah, this person is of such and such a sort, is in such a mood." This is a slippery slope and an erroneous opinion!
***
There is a very deep expression in the Holy Scriptures : For who of men knows what is in a man, except the spirit of man that lives in him? (1 Cor 2 :11).
And more: So no one knows God, except the Spirit of God (1 Cor 2 :12). By this, the Lord immediately determines the depth that is characteristic of the individual. You can't really know a person! Even if you thoroughly study his biography, there is still a lot of innermost in him that only he himself is able to experience and feel.
If there is no such depth in the approach to a person, then all our judgments are rather superficial. Therefore, the Lord directly says: Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not feel the beam in your eye? Or, how can you say to your brother: brother! let me take the speck out of your eye when you yourself don't see the log in your eye? Hypocrite! first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see how to take the speck out of your brother's eye (Lk 6 :41-42).
From the outside, we can imagine a person in any light, but only he himself can truly, deeply know him - if, of course, he tests himself, if he wants to know himself, and not just as one of millions, but himself before the face of God .
Because when we evaluate ourselves differently - in the face of other people or based on our own opinion - it seems to us: yes, we really are some kind of special, worthy, and certainly not criminals. As the Pharisee said: “I am not like other people. I keep the law of God, I fast, I give tithes. It naturally "splashes" out of us. And it testifies that we do not have deep knowledge about ourselves.
***
Knowledge, knowledge of man about himself and about God - it seems to me that this is the source of non-judgment. It is given either by grace, or as a result of achievement, inner deed. And condemnation comes from the fact that, on the one hand, we are not inclined to a deep knowledge of ourselves, and on the other hand, we have not reached the level of repentance.
Looking into oneself is the beginning of the spiritual process. Conscience gives a person knowledge about himself, and seeing himself, he sometimes even comes to hatred: “I hate myself like that! I don't like myself!" Yes, you have approached self-knowledge, it is bitter, but this knowledge is perhaps the most important, the most essential in life.
Because here is the starting point of repentance, an opportunity for the rebirth of one's mind, a qualitative change in attitude towards oneself and the whole world, and above all, towards one's Creator and Creator.
Why is it said that there is more joy in heaven over one repentant sinner than over a hundred righteous who do not need repentance? Because it is difficult, but necessary, to come to this understanding: “It turns out that by my nature I am no different from others, my nature is from the old Adam, I am the same by nature as my brother.”
But we do not want to know ourselves, to examine ourselves with a searching eye, because this will require the next step - the search for an answer to the question: “Why is this so in me?” The carnal opposes the spiritual; this is the law of internal warfare. Therefore, people choose a more natural and seemingly simple way - to look around, judge others, and not about themselves. They don't realize that it does them a lot of damage.
..
***
Seeing, a person begins to understand that God does not condemn anyone . The Gospel of John directly states this: For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him (Jn 3 :16-17). The idea is connected with the Messiah that He will be invested with royal power and will come to judge the nations as having a truly Divine judgment. But then it suddenly turns out that God did not come to judge us, but to save us! This mystery is really amazing, it is amazing for us! And if God does not judge us, then who can judge?
Therefore, condemnation is an erroneous attitude of our consciousness, an erroneous idea that we have power. What if God Himself renounces this power? The Scripture says that the Father gave judgment to the Son, and the Son says: "I did not come to judge you.
"
But at the same time, the Lord does not hide the fact that there will be a righteous judgment , which, as Lermontov wrote, "is not accessible to the ringing of gold." God will reveal himself, and in this manifestation all creation will see itself as it is. Now the Lord is hiding Himself because of our infirmities, our imperfection, but when the full revelation of God comes, then there will be nothing to hide. The books of conscience will unfold, everything secret will be revealed, and a person will give an answer for his every word. And then the Lord says: He who rejects Me and does not receive My words has a judge for himself: the word that I spoke, it will judge him on the last day (Jn 12 :48) . He shows that our idea of the court as some kind of extraordinary, superpersonal, authoritative trial - as in our earthly courts, when a whole panel of judges meets, considers huge volumes on the case and makes a decision - is not quite correct.
God doesn't decide. It gives freedom, always gives a person the opportunity to improve: depart from unhealthy norms that bring neither you nor people joy. Thus, a person is completely free to choose.
They say it's hard to fall under a human court, because people can be very cruel in their judgments, fundamentally cruel: they sentenced you - that's it, and try to change yourself in the eyes of the public! But God's judgment is merciful, because the Lord wants to justify man: I do not want the death of the sinner, but that the sinner turn from his way and live (Ezek 33 :11).
***
The line between condemning a person and condemning an act it's hard for us not to cross! But it is said: do not judge the personality of a person, do not judge him as the image and likeness of God. The Holy Spirit does not accept when we arrogate to ourselves the power to judge others harshly. Yes, let his bad, ugly act be worthy of condemnation, but you don’t judge the person himself as a person! He can correct himself tomorrow, go the way of repentance, become different - such an opportunity is not taken away from a person until his last breath.
We do not fully know either the Providence of God about him, or how dear he is to God - after all, Christ shed His blood for everyone, redeemed everyone and did not condemn anyone. Therefore, we simply do not have the right to judge ourselves!
Yes, Christ dispersed the merchants at the temple with a whip, but this is not a condemnation, but a strong-willed action directed against lawlessness. It is said in Scripture: Jealousy for your house consumes me (Jn 2 :17). There are similar examples in our life. When we see that someone's actions go beyond the spiritual and moral framework, that someone communicates a lot of evil to people, then, of course, we can react, call to order, pull the person up: “What are you doing? Come to your senses! See what that means in itself."
But such is our nature, distorted by sin, that negative emotions immediately come out in any situation, for no reason: just look at a person, and you already measure him, evaluate his external merits - but you have to stop yourself.
Judge not, lest you be judged, for by what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with what measure you measure, it will be measured to you (Mt 7 :1-2) - these words of the Lord at any time, in any place should be a reminder to us. A lot of sobriety is needed here. And principle: “No, Lord, You are the Only Judge, You are the Only Lover of mankind, You do not want death for anyone and did not utter words of condemnation even over the most terrible sinners. Even being crucified, You prayed: “Father, forgive them, they don’t know what they are doing.”
***
I remember I had such a parishioner, from the common people, who said: “ Father, but God will have mercy on everyone, forgive everyone, I believe that everyone will be saved! » Out of the kindness of her heart, she did not want to judge anyone and believed that all people have something good to learn from. Such an attitude is achieved by sobriety of the mind, when the soul is saturated with true examples, the Gospel.
And everyone who prays every day, reads the Scriptures has a special attitude, a special mood! Those who have felt grace feel God's love for everyone, therefore they do not want to accept any malicious attacks or caustic feelings towards others.
We Christians have a tough example of people of high spirituality in this respect. They loved everyone, pitied everyone, did not condemn anyone, and even vice versa: the weaker a person, the more visible shortcomings he has, the more attention and love the saints showed to such people; they appreciated them very much, because they saw that the truth would reach them, because they were prepared for this by their very hard life. And pride, on the contrary, will always find terrible judgments that are ready to depersonalize any person.
"Everyone is bad and everything is bad!" is the spirit of pride, the demonic spirit, it is the constriction of our heart. It sets in motion such mechanics from which people themselves suffer.
Any condemnation is the introduction of some kind of darkness into oneself. In the Gospel of John the Theologian there are these words: He who believes in Him is not judged, but the unbeliever is already condemned, because he did not believe in the name of the Only Begotten Son of God. And the judgment is this, that light has come into the world, but people loved the darkness more than the light, because their deeds were evil (Jn 3 :18–19). By judging, a person violates the spiritual law of life in God and immediately receives a notice that he has sinned grievously. How many times has this happened: someone prayed, asked God for mercy, forgiveness, and the Lord gave him - and the person left the service renewed! But then he met someone on the way from the temple, and there was a condemnation: and you are such and such, and he is different. All. He lost everything he had just gained! And many holy fathers say: just looked askance at someone, accepted a bad thought about a person - immediately grace leaves you.
She does not tolerate condemnation, which is completely opposite to the spirit of the gospel.
***
How to deal with judgment? Firstly, John Chrysostom has this advice: if you have sinned in thought, immediately repent mentally. He thought something bad about his relative, about his friend, caught himself on this: “What kind of thoughts? Why am I like this? Lord, forgive me for this momentary manifestation! I do not want it".
Secondly: when an inner feeling prompts you to give a negative assessment to someone, you immediately turn to yourself: are you free from this shortcoming? Or do you know nothing about yourself, for which you could be reproached? And - you will feel that you are the same as the one you are ready to condemn!
In ancient times there was such a "golden" rule. When you are struggling with a feeling of indignation and you can’t understand why this person did this, then put yourself in his position, in his place, and this person in yours.
And immediately a lot will become clear to you! This is very sobering. So I took the position of another: “My God, how many difficulties he has in life! There are difficulties in the family, there is no understanding with the wife, with the children... Indeed, it is difficult for him, the poor man!”
The Holy Fathers have another rule. Do you want to judge someone? And you put Christ in your place. Will the Lord judge? But even when He was crucified, Christ did not condemn anyone, on the contrary, He suffered for everyone. So why did I suddenly imagine myself above God, put myself as a judge?
***
Conviction can be avoided in any case . Because a person is arranged in such a way that he can always protect the personality of another, not put a stigma on him, but immediately follow the path of reasoning: "I know how wonderful he is, how many difficulties he had, and he endured everything."
Condemnation is a heart that is not attuned.
So I meet a man, and instead of joy, I have thoughts: “Yeah, he’s coming with a cigarette again” or “He’s tipsy again, so-and-so.” There are no good motivations that should be. There is a temptation to condemn on the way - there is no escape! But before a stream of judgmental thoughts pours out, I must first put myself in my place and give place to prudence.
I like the saying of a contemporary Greek ascetic, monk Paisios the Holy Mountaineer: "Modern man must be a 'factory of good thoughts'." You have to be ready to accept and understand a person’s personality: yes, it’s hard for him, he got into difficult circumstances, his life broke him, but still there is something good, whole in him, something that makes it possible not to exclude him from among decent, good people. The internal development of such good thoughts, the acceptance of any person, in any capacity, no matter how he looks and behaves - like a protective environment, it will not allow the heart to accept the evil, destructive area of \u200b\u200bman.
