How long do emotional affairs last
How long do most emotional affairs last?
How long extramarital affairs last varies: about 50% may last between the period of one month to a year affair, long term affairs may last long-term, for about 15 months or more, and about 30% of affairs last about two years and beyond.
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Are emotional affairs hard to end?
Emotional affairs are difficult to end because they help you meet your essential emotional needs more than your primary relationship or marriage. Therefore, you may feel heartbroken when this relationship ends. What is this? In addition, you may feel almost obsessed with the other – it's like an addiction.
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How often do emotional affairs turn physical?
“It's been said that 50 to 70% of all emotional affairs eventually lead to physical cheating and sex. ”
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Do emotional affairs ever work out?
Do emotional affairs turn into love? It's not uncommon for emotional affairs at work to become a long term relationship. This is because the emotional affair is based on a lot of effort and time spent communicating with one another about feelings and ideas.
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How long do affairs last on average?
Most affairs last between one month to about a year. However, about a third of affairs survive longer than two years. The duration of the affair often depends on how the affair dissolves. The majority of affairs start with friends or coworkers, although infidelity can happen anywhere and with anyone.
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How Long Does An Affair Last?
How do emotional affairs end?
The best way to end an emotional affair is to be honest and to stop seeing the other person entirely. You should also consider whether or not you want to remain in your marriage. There are situations where people seek out emotionally charged relationships due to things that are missing in their marriages.
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How do affairs typically end?
Yet, most affairs usually end one of two ways: with divorce or a stronger current relationship. How the end plays out is up to you, how you choose to react, and how hard you want to work to stay together.
Learning how to overcome grief and pain is going to be difficult, but Couples Academy can help.
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Are emotional affairs one sided?
Emotional affairs can be much more nebulous than physical affairs. They can be completely one-sided, where one party has romantic feelings for another completely unsuspecting person. Or, both parties can be engaged in an intense emotional affair that just hasn't turned physical yet.
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Are emotional affairs love?
An emotional affair is a non-sexual relationship involving a similar level of emotional intimacy and bonding as a romantic relationship. Emotional affairs usually begin as friendships. Some platonic relationships can slowly morph into deep emotional friendships.
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Do emotional affairs end well?
Over times, these things can go away. With the loss of those elements the affair also dies out. However, emotional affairs can also last years. People even will leave one relationship to begin a new relationship with their affair partner.
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How do men feel about emotional affairs?
A recent survey reports that 66% of men feel guilty about their emotional affair. And another recent study reports that 56% of men surveyed were happy in their marriage when they began an emotional affair.
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Do men forgive emotional affairs?
Basically, men are more willing to forgive emotional cheating, however, a deeper emotional connection, affection and emotional attention is often the reason they cheat.
Comparatively, women are less likely to forgive physical cheating, but they usually go looking outside of their relationship for physical reasons.
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What causes men to have emotional affairs?
Emotional affairs are often a result of feeling neglected, misunderstood or overlooked in a relationship. If a person believes that their partner does not value them, or does not have time for them, then they might strike up a friendship with a new person who offers more emotional investment and support.
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Can couples recover from emotional affairs?
Ending an Emotional Affair: The Good News
Many couples recover from emotional infidelity. It is possible. The process of recovery takes time, so be patient with the process, with your partner, and with yourself.
Ultimately, you can rebuild a relationship even better than it was before!
| View complete answer on growingself.com
Are emotional affairs toxic?
An emotional affair is very dangerous because it not only takes away time and energy from the marriage, but it can lead to sexual infidelity and possibly divorce. Another way of looking at emotional infidelity is that the betrayal is a symptom of the problems that already exist within a marriage.
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Are emotional affairs worse than physical affairs?
Some argue that an emotional affair is harmless because it is more of a casual relationship than traditional cheating. However, the intimate nature of the communication, plus the emotional investment made by the people involved, places an emotional affair on the same level as, or worse than, traditional cheating.
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What makes a man feel connected to a woman?
In plain language: Men often feel most loved by the women in their lives when their partners hug them, kiss them, smile at them, and explicitly offer gratitude, praise, and words of affection. Men also feel loved and connected through sexuality, often to a greater degree than women do.
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How many wives have emotional affairs?
With technology making it increasingly easy to connect and communicate with others discreetly, emotional affairs are on the rise in the United States. The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy reports that 35% of women and 45% of men admit to having had an emotional affair before.
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Why are emotional affairs worse?
The Effect of Emotional Cheating
No matter the form of cheating, the trust is broken, and this could have adverse effects. If these trust issues remain unsolved, the person cheated on can no longer form healthy relationships with other people. They can become paranoid and feel threatened by their partner's friendships.
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How do emotional affairs start?
Emotional affairs can begin online or in-person as a simple acquaintance or friendship. It can then evolve when boundaries are crossed and rationalized by the unfaithful partner. Over time, more limits are broken creating the opportunity for stronger intimacy to flourish.
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How common are emotional affairs?
Emotional cheating is highly common.
In fact, the results of one study showed that 78.6 percent of men and 91.6 percent of women had admitted to an emotional affair at some point in their relationship.
| View complete answer on ourrelationship.com
Do affairs ever turn into love?
They may seem harmless, initially, but such affairs can wreak havoc on a marriage in which loyalty or fidelity is considered of utmost importance. People might get into it as a means of escape but there's always a possibility of an affair turning into a deep emotional connection or love.
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What percentage of affairs survive?
About 75 percent of marriages survive if the male is cheating, and about 65 percent survive if the female is having an affair. Marriages in which males cheat are more likely to survive, therapists say, because men are less likely than women to have an emotional attachment with their mistresses.
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How long do women's affairs last?
Extramarital affairs vary in duration. About 50% may last between one month to a year. Long term affairs may last for about 15 months or more. And about 30% of affairs last about two years and beyond.
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What indicates emotional cheating?
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Do emotional affairs last?
How long do emotional affairs last? Much depends on how they begin and where they lead.
Physical affairs last an average of 6 to 12 months. Emotional affairs can last much longer, though they can also lead to sexual infidelity.
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Do emotional affairs ever last?
Over times, these things can go away. With the loss of those elements the affair also dies out. However, emotional affairs can also last years. People even will leave one relationship to begin a new relationship with their affair partner.
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How do emotional affairs usually end?
How do most emotional affairs end? Affairs usually end in one of three ways: divorce and remarriage, divorce and relationship loss, or the recommitment to the relationship that was betrayed.
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What percentage of emotional affairs turn physical?
“It's been said that 50 to 70% of all emotional affairs eventually lead to physical cheating and sex.”
Takedown request | View complete answer on themarriagerestorationproject.com
Are emotional affairs one sided?
Emotional affairs can be much more nebulous than physical affairs. They can be completely one-sided, where one party has romantic feelings for another completely unsuspecting person. Or, both parties can be engaged in an intense emotional affair that just hasn't turned physical yet.
Takedown request | View complete answer on coillaw.com
Why Are Emotional Affairs So Hard To Get Over?
Why are emotional affairs so hard to end?
Emotional affairs are difficult to end because they help you meet your essential emotional needs more than your primary relationship or marriage.
Therefore, you may feel heartbroken when this relationship ends. What is this? In addition, you may feel almost obsessed with the other – it's like an addiction.
| View complete answer on professional-counselling.com
How do men feel about emotional affairs?
A recent survey reports that 66% of men feel guilty about their emotional affair. And another recent study reports that 56% of men surveyed were happy in their marriage when they began an emotional affair.
Takedown request | View complete answer on couplestherapyinc.com
Do men forgive emotional affairs?
Basically, men are more willing to forgive emotional cheating, however, a deeper emotional connection, affection and emotional attention is often the reason they cheat. Comparatively, women are less likely to forgive physical cheating, but they usually go looking outside of their relationship for physical reasons.
| View complete answer on thelatch.com.au
Can couples recover from emotional affairs?
Ending an Emotional Affair: The Good News
Many couples recover from emotional infidelity. It is possible. The process of recovery takes time, so be patient with the process, with your partner, and with yourself. Ultimately, you can rebuild a relationship even better than it was before!
Takedown request | View complete answer on growingself.com
Are emotional affairs toxic?
An emotional affair is very dangerous because it not only takes away time and energy from the marriage, but it can lead to sexual infidelity and possibly divorce. Another way of looking at emotional infidelity is that the betrayal is a symptom of the problems that already exist within a marriage.
Takedown request | View complete answer on prevention.
com
Are emotional affairs worse than physical affairs?
Some argue that an emotional affair is harmless because it is more of a casual relationship than traditional cheating. However, the intimate nature of the communication, plus the emotional investment made by the people involved, places an emotional affair on the same level as, or worse than, traditional cheating.
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Do emotional affairs have to be romantic?
Many see this type of connection as having an erotic component to it. Though there often can be an underlying romantic or erotic energy in emotional cheating, it can also occur without the element of romance or eroticism present.
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Why are emotional affairs worse?
In relationships, emotional cheating often happens when communication has broken down between a couple and the partners feel starved for attention.
This sort of cheating can be especially dangerous because, like physical cheating, it can break down trust when it is discovered.
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Do people divorce over emotional affairs?
Emotional affairs can also destroy marriages and lead to divorce. While no physical or sexual intimacy may be involved in emotional affairs (at least initially), the cheater is still sharing a level of intimacy with someone other than their spouse.
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Why do emotional affairs happen?
Emotional affairs are often a result of feeling neglected, misunderstood or overlooked in a relationship. If a person believes that their partner does not value them, or does not have time for them, then they might strike up a friendship with a new person who offers more emotional investment and support.
| View complete answer on hellorelish.com
Why do men have emotional affairs?
In some situations, a spouse may engage in an emotional affair as a way of getting back at their partner or dealing with unaddressed anger or issues. It's a form of acting out, but in a way that might seem less serious than cheating physically.
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What indicates emotional cheating?
Signs of emotional cheating
You share things with the other person that you haven't shared with your partner. You confide in the other person about your relationship troubles. You've become more detached and emotionally disconnected from your partner. You think about the other person all the time.
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What are the signs of emotional infidelity?
Signs of Emotional Cheating
- There is a sexual tension.
- One or both of you are flirting.
- You keep secrets about things that have been said or done with this friend from your partner.
- You don't want to share them with your partner.
- You cross boundaries that you and your partner have agreed upon.
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What percentage of men have emotional affairs?
The American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy reports that 35% of women and 45% of men admit to having had an emotional affair before.
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How do emotional affairs start?
Emotional affairs can begin online or in-person as a simple acquaintance or friendship.
It can then evolve when boundaries are crossed and rationalized by the unfaithful partner. Over time, more limits are broken creating the opportunity for stronger intimacy to flourish.
| View complete answer on choosingtherapy.com
How often do emotional affairs happen?
Emotional cheating is highly common. In fact, the results of one study showed that 78.6 percent of men and 91.6 percent of women had admitted to an emotional affair at some point in their relationship.
Takedown request | View complete answer on ourrelationship.com
Are emotional affairs physical?
On the other hand, emotional cheating does not require physical contact. Emotional cheating happens when one person in the relationship develops feelings for another person and enacts on it.
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Is emotional cheating a choice?
An emotional affair or involvement is a conscious choice and one needs to own the responsibility of the consequences that follow their actions. Indulging in emotional communication with someone other than your partner drifts you away from your relationship.
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How long does it take to heal from emotional cheating?
Affair recovery is the process of healing a relationship mentally, emotionally, and physically after it has experienced infidelity. Affair recovery usually takes anywhere from six months to two years and is often a painful process yet a possible one for couples who possess humility, compassion, and tenacity.
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What type of cheating is worse?
Cheating on a spouse or significant other is sure to cause feelings of jealousy and hurt in the spurned partner.
But men and women differ on what part of cheating they think is the worst: Men tend to be more bothered by sexual infidelity, while most women are bothered more by emotional infidelity.
| View complete answer on nbcnews.com
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How to understand that a person is holding you on an emotional leash and get away from him
November 10, 2020 Auto-da-fe Life
Love and healthy relationships have nothing to do with addiction.
What is destructive attachment
In a couple, attachment inevitably arises, and this is normal: people feel sympathy and are drawn to each other. Relationships make us happy, but separation from a partner makes us sad.
But it happens that attachment goes beyond the limits of the norm and becomes destructive.
Kristina Kostikova
psychologist
This happens when one of the partners begins to lose his personality, to see a life guide only in his lover. He may feel bad in a relationship, but he cannot leave them. When the attachment is destructive, the person becomes emotionally dependent on their partner.
Due to what such attachment is formed
Emotional swing
A classic manipulative technique, the effect of which can be truly destructive. It is present in the toolkit of narcissists. It was borrowed from them by pick-up artists in the form of the approach-distance technique. But you can roll the victim on an emotional swing unconsciously. People are complex creatures, and while one simply cannot decide on feelings, the other becomes completely dependent on him.
The essence of the reception is the alternation of good relations and alienation. For example, today a person agrees to meet with you, expresses his affection in every possible way, hints at a possible continuation, and you feel that you have met a soul mate.
Tomorrow he blocks you in all messengers and disappears for two weeks. And then he appears again and pretends that nothing happened, you have a complete idyll. Then it disappears again, and so on without end.
Each time the manipulator returns, the victim receives an incredible dose of happiness. At this point, the abandoned person is devastated and suffering, so that the mood graph jumps from the extreme low point to the extreme high point - the difference is felt in a very special way. It seems that no one else and nothing can bring such happiness.
At the same time, the victim is confused, does not understand what happens when the partner disappears. She begins to look for reasons in herself and, of course, she finds them. As a result, the return of the partner is colored with additional emotions: the person made a mistake (although he does not understand where), but he was forgiven.
Anyone can fall into this trap. It’s just that someone manages to slow down in time and assess the situation from the outside – it will look crazy.
Someone from these swings may never get off, especially if the manipulator swings them deliberately.
Nastya
I got off the emotional swing, but felt dizzy for a long time.
In my youth I often fell in love, but one feeling became truly fatal. Most likely, I would quickly move away from him and live on as usual. In general, I am easy about the fact that someone does not like me, as long as it is simple and honest: yes or no. But this man was sending extremely conflicting signals. Some encounters were decidedly romantic, others very cold and strange. He could disappear for months, and then appear, and everything went on as if there was no pause.
I couldn't figure out what was going on for a long time. I understood that we didn’t have a relationship, but at the same time I didn’t go on dates, because suddenly something would turn around. I tried to be better in everything, because the reason for the coldness is probably in me. I will become cooler and jump to his level.
And I was unbearable, I could think and talk about only one thing - thanks to my friends for being patient.
I slept a lot and worked a lot to fill the void. But she was still happy, only when she received his approval - he finally appeared. This feeling lasted for a few days, and then it got even worse. According to the description, it looks like a drug addiction, probably even with withdrawal symptoms.
I don't think (or rather, I hope) that he did it on purpose. It's just that I was also at that age when you don't really know what you want. And it’s scary to let go of what you hold in your fist just in case it will suddenly come in handy. I was of no use.
Everything lasted a year and ended simply. He once again disappeared, finally saying something offensive, and I blocked him everywhere. Then a man appeared, but I already somehow more soberly looked at the situation. He wrote: “You want us to see each other more often, but I can’t even see my friends so often!” I thought: “Oh, in all this time I have not even become a friend,” because I have not been a lover either.
And when you are in the 35th row of someone's hierarchy, you can no longer climb up, all that remains is to leave.
Manipulation of self-esteem
A person with low self-esteem is easy to keep on an emotional leash. He believes that he is not worthy of love, that he is nothing of himself and can do nothing. Therefore, he easily transfers responsibility for his life to another and is grateful that he endures such a stupidity next to him.
To reduce the self-esteem of the victim, the aggressor will notice every mistake and shortcoming, talk about it constantly - in person and in public - focus on how he and everyone around him is doing better. It will quickly become obvious: one cannot do without such a partner.
Blurred promises
When you hear “We're going to Italy in the summer”, you immediately understand what it is about. The partner gives you a specific promise, about the fulfillment of which you can ask questions. The manipulator will create illusions - not for planning, but for playing.
For example, he asks: “Would you like to live with me?” The satisfied victim takes this as an offer, happily accepts, and begins to pack her bags. But it quickly turns out that it was just a question - no one promised anything.
The trick is that the manipulator can always interpret his words in two ways - and, of course, not at all the way the victim perceived them. If the suitcases had not been packed, a claim would have flown in response that no one listens to the aggressor and does not take it seriously.
As a result, everything turns into a gambling, but destructive game with attempts to guess what the partner had in mind and hit the jackpot. Only this won't happen. And the victim, investing more in the relationship, will swallow the hook deeper.
Using fears and stereotypes
The manipulator enjoys playing on the victim's fears of being alone, not getting married, not having a child, being rejected or being judged by others.
Svetlana Bibikova
psychologist
Let's not forget that the most powerful suppliers of templates are culture, folk morality with its stable imperatives: "Love must be eternal", "There is no smoke without fire", "Beats means love" - and religion: “Love is an unconditional virtue”, “Love your neighbor as yourself”, “Do not resist evil.
Whoever strikes you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also.”
As a result, the victim begins to believe that this relationship is her last chance.
Strengthening feelings of guilt
The aggressor diligently plays the role of the victim. It is always bad for him, and the partner is to blame for this, who, of course, will feel obliged to help, save, be there. There may even be an illusion that the manipulator will not survive alone, will disappear - this, of course, is not so.
An extreme case of playing on guilt is the promise of suicide. Blackmail cannot be the basis of a healthy relationship: a person is solely responsible for his life. However, it is quite easy to fall into this trap.
Alla
When I tried to leave I felt like a traitor.
I have a former young man, by the standards of many others, "a good guy." But not in the sense that he did anything good, he just didn't do anything bad. He didn’t smoke, sometimes he drank beer, he didn’t beat him, he didn’t call him names.
But when I remember him, I shudder with anger, disgust, shame - the list goes on.
For a long time I could not understand what was wrong. He wanted a serious relationship and was offended by me that I did not want such. But what does he mean by a serious relationship? That I will take care of him in everyday terms and do tons of invisible work: keep in my head information about what you need to buy for the house, for lunch, and so on. When I voiced that I was not interested, he began to reproach me, periodically asking if I had changed my mind.
At the same time, for a year and a half, I gathered my strength to get away from him! All this time, I had the feeling that somewhere I had already been treated this way. And one day I realized where: my mother behaves in a similar way.
This terrified me. But it became clear why I was stuck in this relationship at all: I fell for a familiar hook. It was a strange feeling. Part of me knew it was time to go, but another part was like, “What are you talking about? We live like this all our lives!”
What happened in childhood seems to be the norm.
It took me years of therapy to understand that you can’t be offended at me for not wanting to sacrifice myself for you. It's okay to have your needs and meet them in a relationship.
And in my childhood it was not normal. If mom says that we are going to the dacha, then we are going to the dacha. There is no choice, and no one cares whether you like it or not. And if you protest, you are a traitor. And emotional punishment awaits you: scandals, reproaches, nit-picking. You get used to obey. And when a partner begins to behave in a similar way, I do not fight against him, but against my mother. And going against your mother as a child is like going against God. It makes no sense, because how will you live then?
You have no idea what a relief it is to understand that the partner is not a mother and that he is being chosen.
Financial dependence
It seems, what does emotional dependence have to do with it? But there is a direct connection here: money gives a feeling of security.
Without them, we cannot satisfy our basic needs like food and sleep, because sleeping outside is so-so.
Accordingly, a person who is in complete material dependence is often also emotionally attached to the aggressor.
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How to get out of destructive relationships
It is difficult for a person to end a destructive relationship because of guilt, fear of taking responsibility for their own decision and changing everything. He is afraid that he will not meet a better partner, that he will not be able to cope with life without him, since for a long time all attention and energy were focused on him.
The disappearance of a loved one is equated with one's own disappearance and a complete loss of the meaning of life.
Most of these fears are irrational in nature. Breaking free from the influence of destructive attachment is real, although not easy. A person will have to face his problem, figure out the reasons that led to the current situation, otherwise the following relationship is doomed to follow the old scenario, and also learn to find strength and support in himself.
Kristina Kostikova
Leaving will not be easy. As soon as you decide to stop communicating, such a partner becomes as accommodating, kind and helpful as possible. Doubts may arise: “Maybe it just seemed to me?” But if you stay, everything will come back.
If you decide to leave, do it right away. Know that a better, free life awaits you, and relationships are different. To do this, you need to work not on a partner, but on yourself. Change you and your strategy of behavior, and you will meet completely different people who will appreciate, love and respect you.
And the support of relatives and a psychologist will help in this.
"I can't live without you" is a beautiful but frightening cliché that has nothing to do with a healthy relationship. Share this text: suddenly it will catch the eye of someone who has not dared to break with destructive attachment for a long time.
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How long, how short: how long does love last?
114,650
Man and woman Relationship crisis
How long will we be together? It is unlikely that lovers will be found who would not be disturbed by this question. “I was married twice, and both times ended in divorce in the sixth year,” says 38-year-old Valentina, “but I do not lose hope of meeting someone with whom I can live my whole life.
”
What determines the duration of our relationship? Biological laws say that romantic feeling is a fleeting chemical process that lasts for three years. Our physical attraction to the object of passion is associated with increased testosterone and estrogen, falling in love with dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin.
“The chemical processes that take place in the brain seem to blind us,” says neuroscientist Lucie Vincent. “We don’t notice each other’s shortcomings, we feel integrity and completeness, and we are emotionally dependent on a partner.”
The strength of this feeling allowed the couple to stay together for millions of years for the sake of the child’s survival, and after about three years it faded away
“Passion, romantic love inevitably ends,” comments anthropologist Helen Fisher, who has studied the nature of love for almost half a century. “Our body is simply not adapted to live in the heat of passion for a long time - this is energetically very costly.
”
When we stop receiving “supportive” brain signals, we seem to wake up: the satellite no longer seems irresistible to us, on the contrary, we suddenly find many shortcomings in it. It seems that we were deceived or we made a mistake in choosing. And since the partner is experiencing about the same thing at this moment, there is a danger of a break. Mutual reproaches, dissatisfaction, claims undermine relationships. And this is just one of the risk factors.
Multilateral exchange
Chemistry alone is not enough to explain the success or failure of a relationship. Personal and social experience matters just as much. After all, life together is multifaceted.
Two people interact as economic partners - they share a household, earning a livelihood and maintaining the social status of a couple. They also engage in sexual contact, bonding physically and emotionally. In addition, the two unite on an unconscious level when their fantasies, anxieties and defense mechanisms enter into a dialogue.
Finally, each of the partners realizes himself, his individuality - both in the family and in relationships with other people.
All these levels form a complex system
“Life together is intricate and ambiguous by definition,” notes French psychoanalyst and anthropologist Eric Smadja. — Not only because we are potentially conflict-prone and critical of each other. Each partner goes through tumultuous turning points. Among these critical stages, I can name the beginning of a joint life, socialization: getting to know friends and relatives on both sides, the birth of a child: the transition to the status of parents, and so on. These crises can traumatize both men and women.”
To endure hatred
Another difficulty of living together is in our illusory idea that real, living relationships should be based only on love. “Feelings are always ambivalent,” explains psychoanalyst Svetlana Fedorova. There is a place for both hatred and rejection in a relationship.
For many of us, this thought is unacceptable: how can you have good feelings for another after you have hated him?
It is better to hide your negative emotions in every possible way, to mask them so that your partner does not guess about them. In fact, the extent to which partners are able to cope with this ambivalence - to withstand (sometimes) disgust for each other and still continue to love - largely depends on the strength of their union.
These mixed emotions awaken in us already in infancy, when we strive to merge with our beloved object (mother), to be a part of it, and at the same time we try to absorb it, to subdue it. And when it gets out of our control, jealousy wakes up in us, and with it - rage and aggression, a desire to bite, to seize.
And subsequently the forces, attraction and repulsion, continue to alternate, replacing each other depending on the circumstances in which we find ourselves
“In life together, the desire to hold on, to appropriate, to inflict pain arises at certain moments, but it is impossible to predict them and establish clear time criteria due to their blurriness,” says Eric Smadzha.
- Therefore, to say that love lasts three years or seven years is stupid and meaningless. In times of crisis, when we perceive the other as an enemy, hatred almost inevitably flares up. We see a pursuer in a partner, and we have a natural desire to play ahead of the curve and destroy the source of the threat.”
Is it easy to accept a partner's negative feelings? Of course not. But it is easier for someone who knows how to cope with their own ambivalence. And this ability, according to psychoanalytic theory, depends on the infant's experience, on how calmly the mother accepted the child's aggression: she continued to love or pushed away, left, giving rise to the infant's distrust of the world and the fear of showing his negative feelings to another.
Accept differences
If we often experience strong anxiety, it is possible that we will be tempted to find a partner with whom there is no threat, no risk.
“Today, many enter into relationships based solely on respect and shared values,” notes Svetlana Fedorova.
- For example, a narcissistically vulnerable person who has a sad experience of parting, rejection, chooses a safe partner for himself. They start a family, start going to theaters, cooking classes, running in the morning. They feel good together, but as children, as friends. At the same time, they avoid the manifestation of sexuality in every possible way or have sex simply “for health.”
Agreeing with each other in advance and as if not noticing the differences, such partners do not actually realize many of their desires
Such relationships gradually freeze, lose energy. It turns out that ambivalence is a necessary condition for the development of a couple. But what allows the two to keep in touch despite the intense destructive feelings that occasionally burst into their lives?
“Thanks to another person, we receive caress that embodies for us either paternal or maternal care,” says Eric Smadja. “The intricate role-playing game begins: sometimes the father dominates, sometimes the mother.
” Such relationships satisfy our need for protection and help to recover mentally.
Metamorphoses of a couple
Relationships in any couple go through five successive stages, according to American psychologists Allyn Bader and Peter Pearson, as described in the book "In Search of the Mythical Pair".
1. Merging
We feel like a single whole, we strive to please each other, emphasize similarities and ignore differences. When ordering dinner in a restaurant, someone will certainly say: "I'll take the same as you."
2. Differentiation
We leave the symbiosis and begin to notice the differences, restore the boundaries and more often look at each other critically. Our opinions increasingly do not coincide, but we defend them, as if testing the relationship for strength.
3. Research
We explore our ability to “be apart”: we spend holidays separately, we meet friends more often. Self-centeredness is the key word of this stage.
4. Rapprochement
Having strengthened our autonomy, we again turn to each other and re-establish relationships. We show mutual concern and look forward to reciprocal support.
5. Cooperation and freedom
We have a strong connection, we have reconciled our ideal ideas with reality, and both are sure of mutual love. We are active in the outside world and respect each other's interests and careers.
Empathize with each other
“Love can be called that only when people have gone through some kind of crisis, endured each other's conflicting feelings and learned to respect their differences,” continues the psychoanalyst. “It is our dissimilarity that all the time fuels sexual interest and the desire to know the other, to symbolically merge with him.”
Sexual contact gives us that blissful feeling of oneness with another, but only for a moment. The rest of the time we have to endure the uncertainty and otherness of the other.
“To love means not to limit, not to determine the other with your expectations, but to see him in some free space, to give him the opportunity for self-realization,” Svetlana Fedorova reflects.
- When spouses come to see me with a tangle of mutual claims, I ask everyone to tell a story from childhood, when they felt as unhappy, scared, lonely, helpless as possible.
And if the partner, while listening, is able to join this story, show sympathy, share the pain of the other, I see this as a sign of the couple's viability. At such a moment, they stop interrupting each other and create space for the expression of the other, giving up their own selfishness.
Yes, we are all fundamentally egocentric. But we cannot develop ourselves if we are not curious about the other. Only in dialogue with others can we comprehend ourselves. Do not expect anything from a partner other than what he wants for himself, and rejoice with him in the realization of himself, his being - this is, perhaps, one of the complex and beautiful formulas for a long and happy relationship.
In an intimate dance
Here is an excerpt from the documentary series The Emotional Life, in which writer Elizabeth Gilbert talks about the difficulties of intimate relationships and the secret of human intimacy.
“The philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer had his own theory of human relations, which he illustrated with a story about porcupines. He talked about how in love, and in general in close relationships - family, marriage, friendship - we all experience emotional discomfort and are like a flock of porcupines that wander along the road on a cold winter night. They begin to freeze, and in order to warm up, they need to get closer, to unite in a group.
They really want this warmth, they want to snuggle closer, but as soon as they get close enough, they hurt each other with their terrible needles. These injections are very painful. Wanting to avoid pain, porcupines move away from each other to a safe distance, but then freeze again. Then they converge again, feel pain from the injections and move away. And this intimate dance perfectly illustrates the essence of human relationships.
We too have a need to get closer to each other and then separate in order to protect ourselves from the inevitable suffering that comes from being too close.
