How do sociopaths love
Can Sociopaths Love or Even Fall in Love?
Tanya J. Peterson
Can sociopaths love? Can sociopaths fall in love? If you truly know and understand the sociopath, then you know these questions are almost laughable.
Sociopaths often act like they are in love. To the outside world, it looks like they love. Given that a definition of a sociopath is a person who lacks empathy and has antisocial personality disorder, apart from others and separate from the rules and norms of society, it's odd that someone like this can look like they're truly in love. Sociopaths are nothing if not confusing, partly because sociopathic traits and characteristics contradict each other at times. Upon closer examination, though, it makes perfect sense to ask, "Can a sociopath fall in love?"
Can Sociopaths Love?
If we manipulate the definition of love the way sociopaths manipulate people, then sure, sociopaths can love. To truly make this claim, though, we have to give love a definition that suits us in this moment. Don't worry, we can act like a sociopath and redefine it to our liking anytime we so desire.
When love is a tool to be used to trap and manipulate someone, sociopaths can love.
When love is said easily by the lips but not felt by the heart, sociopaths can love.
When love is a feeling of fascination or power rather than an emotion, sociopaths can love.
When love is a shallow lie told for personal gain rather than an expression of connection, sociopaths can love.
When love is synonymous with sex and sex is nothing other than momentary and meaningless physical pleasure, then sociopaths can love.
When love is a word rather than a feeling, sociopaths can love.
When love involves pretending, playing a role to gain something for yourself, then sociopaths can love.
To a sociopath, true love is a love of
- him/herself
- power
- playing and winning his/her version of the game of life.
A sociopath can put on a great show and act in loving ways.
He can pretend to love and to care, and you have no idea that he's constantly assessing which of your buttons to push and when to push them. She can gush and express her love and devotion. But truly, can sociopaths love?
When love is a deep and complex emotion, a feeling of fondness, tenderness, bonding, and connection between human beings, no, a sociopath cannot love.
What is Loving a Sociopath Like?
The sociopath is a social predator who charms his way into people's lives. He slithers his way in because he has a greater purpose; he senses the opportunity for personal gain. Thus begins his game. To win trust and ensure naïveté, he begins a courtship. He pretends to love because he wants love in return. He cares nothing for the feelings of love but instead wants love as a manipulative tool.
The best way to receive love is to give love, and the sociopath sets out to give and receive. Loving a sociopath has been described as wonderful and exhilarating (Buttafuoco, 2009).
Because a sociopath shapes her persona to match that of her prey of the moment, loving a sociopath can feel like finding a soulmate. She is a perfect fit in every way. (Look at these famous sociopaths.)
To be in love with a sociopath can be full of laughter and fun, so much so that ignoring the odd personality traits that pop up from time to time becomes second nature. Says Mary Jo Buttafuoco (2009), "...I stuck it out during the bad times, because the good times were fantastic."
Eventually, the honeymoon comes to an end. The sociopath gets whatever he was after in the first place, and then he rapidly becomes bored. Constantly needing thrills and stimulation, he drops the charade and moves on. This can happen suddenly, leaving the victim, who thought she/he was in love, shocked, hurt, and confused.
It is absolutely possible to be in love with a sociopath. Can a sociopath love back? Yes, but only by his own definition of love, a manipulative, uncaring, unemotional kind of love.
article references
APA Reference
Peterson, T. (2021, December 17). Can Sociopaths Love or Even Fall in Love?, HealthyPlace. Retrieved on 2022, November 30 from https://www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/sociopath/can-sociopaths-love-or-even-fall-in-love
Last Updated: January 28, 2022
Medically reviewed by Harry Croft, MD
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9 Phrases Sociopaths Might Use On The People They Love
Relationships
"You owe me.”
by Kristine Fellizar
Updated:
Originally Published:
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Sociopaths are known for their lack of empathy. When they form relationships with others, they usually have a self-serving motivation for it. Spotting sociopathic tendencies right away isn't easy. In fact, sociopathy is often viewed as a spectrum, so the dynamic will be slightly different for every individual. However, according to experts, there are some behaviors and phrases sociopaths may commonly use on the people in their lives, even people they “love” — which begs the question, can sociopaths fall in love?
Despite what you may initially think, sociopaths can experience love. “While sociopath is not a diagnosis (psychologists tend to diagnose antisocial personality disorder, which shares some commonalities), it is possible that sociopaths can love in a relationship — in their own way,” Dr. Judy Ho, Ph.
D., a clinical and forensic neuropsychologist, explains to Bustle. Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) is a mental health condition characterized by irrational behavior and a difficulty maintaining relationships with others. Experts believe it affects between 1% and 4% of people in the U.S.
When sociopaths or people with ASDP do get close to someone, they show their love in unconventional ways. “This usually involves loving someone who helps them to feel better about themselves (someone of a high status, for example, or someone who adores them and will do anything for them),” Dr. Ho says. “It may also involve loving someone for the sake of transaction or a goal. They will get into a relationship with someone and say they love the person, but really it’s to get at their bank accounts or some other thing that helps the sociopath reach one of their goals.”
The answer to “can sociopaths love?” is a nuanced one, because the love they experience looks and feels different than what most others understand as love.
As Dr. Darrel Turner, president of Turner Psychology, tells Bustle, "For the sociopath, the experience of love is much more shallow and less meaningful." They view relationships in "self-serving terms," so they're more likely to see their partner as a "trophy" rather than someone they love and are committed to.
More often than not, their partner will describe a relationship with them as "cold" or "distant." When a sociopath is in a relationship, they may use certain phrases that will help them to control or manipulate their partner. "Sociopaths are innately manipulative; they cannot help themselves," Dr. Turner says. "In some cases this is deliberate on their part, but very often it is an unconscious act — almost a reflex. They can’t help but be destructive to their partners, and in many instances they enjoy the challenge of ‘breaking’ the other person. The stronger and more independent that person is, the better." Basically, it can be a game for them.
Often sociopaths can seem totally nice, charming, and otherwise like anybody else at first, so it can make it difficult to spot the red flags.
But according to experts, here are some common phrases sociopaths are likely to use on the people they love.
1
"Nobody gets me like you do."
fotostorm/E+/Getty Images
"It’s important to realize that they do 'feel' certain things, but they are limited," Laney Zukerman, relationship coach and author, tells Bustle. A sociopathic person can feel basic emotions such as pain, anger, sexual attraction, pleasure, and interest. However, these feelings are often "glib and fleeting," she says. So when a sociopath uses a phrase like, "nobody gets me like you do," they may actually mean it. But don't read too much into that — there's usually no hidden meaning behind it, and they may consider it a low-key way of expressing their emotions.
2
"I've never felt this way about anyone before."
Coming from anyone else, this line may seem like a sweet declaration of love. But coming from a sociopath, this is a phrase that may be used to further their agenda.
"There is no real depth to their words," Zukerman says. That being said, sociopaths can be highly intelligent. They know what people like to hear, so they'll usually say things in the moment to get people on their side. According to Zuckerman, "lying is like breathing" to many sociopaths. It makes them look good and gets them what they want in the moment.
3
"No one loves you like I do."
A sociopathic person will do anything to get someone on their side, including appealing to what they know to be common aspects of love or relationships. “Sociopaths can be very charming in a relationship and even very caring towards their partner, but if you anger them or put them down (or they perceive that is what you’re doing), they can turn on a dime and use manipulation to make you feel guilty or to make you do something for their benefit,” Dr. Ho explains.
By building up their partner with phrases of love and appreciation, they can manipulate them into staying around, even as they also tear them down.
“They may also show shallow affect, meaning they will display loving actions and affection, but they don’t actually feel those emotions on the inside,” Dr. Ho says. “A sociopath may tear their partner down and make them feel bad about themselves and tell them things like, ‘no one loves you like I do,’ to discourage them from leaving.”
4
"You're lucky to have me.”
When a sociopath isn't buttering someone up with compliments, they might turn on them by saying things that make the other feel less than. "No one is ever going to love you the way I do" or "I could do better" are just a couple of common phrases a sociopath will say, licensed clinical psychologist and author, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., tells Bustle. "Once they have satisfied their need, their tendency is to discard people, or simply show them no more warmth," she says.
5
"You owe me.”
Sociopaths usually form relationships with people in order to get what they want — be it power, sex, money, status, and so on.
"They have little capacity for intimacy, mutuality, and reciprocity in a close relationship," Dr. Durvasula says. So it's very common for them to keep score in their relationships.
6
"I already did this for you. What more do you want?”
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Since sociopaths only put forth effort if there's something in it for them, they're quick to react in a negative way if their partner asks for something in return. "If not physical abuse, their relationships are frequently characterized by verbal and emotional abuse, frequent yelling, [and] saying insulting or degrading things," Dr. Turner says. It's not uncommon for them to become a completely different person when they get angry. They turn on their partners fairly quickly, especially if they already took what they want from them or the relationship. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.
org.
7
"I don’t have time for this.”
Sociopaths are all about doing things that make themselves look good. Because of that, Zukerman says they'll use phrases that deflect responsibility away from them. Ultimately, they don’t care if you are hurt by something they did. “Generally, sociopaths do not care about the feelings of others and they are less concerned about who they might hurt or step on on their way to reaching their goal,” Dr. Ho says. “They don’t express empathy, and if they do, it’s usually a put-on emotion that they don’t feel but are doing so in order to fit in with society and get what they want out of another person.”
8
“You’re the best.”
"A sociopath's motive is power, control, and dominance no matter what the cost," Zukerman says. Showering their target with compliments, such as, "you're the best" or "you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen” is just one of their go-to manipulation tricks. "They'll often use charm to lure their targets, and it works," she says.
While this may be a sincere compliment coming from someone else, note if something doesn't feel right or if the person is laying it on thick.
9
“I want to spend every second with you.”
Another common behavior of a sociopath in a relationship is trying to separate their partner from other people, but they will do so in a way that sounds like it’s coming from a place of love. “They may isolate their partner from friends and family so that they won’t be susceptible to being questioned by anyone,” Dr. Ho says. “They may be very controlling and act like the partner is a reflection of them and therefore control all of their partner’s actions, how they dress, [and] who they spend time with.”
Keep in mind that these phrases and behaviors were provided by experts who have studied and observed sociopathic tendencies through their work. If someone you know uses these phrases, it doesn't necessarily mean they're a sociopath. Context matters. It really depends on their motivation behind saying it, among other things.
Nonetheless, it's always a good idea to have this information so you can be aware of the warning signs. If you are worried that someone close to you is exhibiting manipulative behaviors, it may help to talk to a licensed mental health professional who can help you understand how to set the boundaries you need.
Experts:
Dr. Judy Ho, Ph.D., clinical and forensic neuropsychologist
Dr. Darrel Turner, president of Turner Psychology
Laney Zukerman, relationship coach and author
Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D, licensed clinical psychologist and author
This article was originally published on
personal experience with the person who plays with you
There are several types of people with whom you should not have an affair. One of them is sociopaths. They should not be confused with sociophobes who do not like communication: sociopaths are not at all like that.
Our heroine tells why they should be avoided.
Vita Zorina
Tags:
Relations
Men VOICE
relationship problems
Personality disorder
sociopathy
Recently, I almost married a sociopath. We met on the Internet, for me he was not love at first sight, but for him I was. Reality was not at all what I dreamed of, and it took almost two years before I stopped lying to myself and finished this novel.
According to statistics, about 3% of people meet the criteria for sociopathy. It is an antisocial personality disorder characterized by a lack of empathy and empathy. And here's how to distinguish such a person before starting a serious relationship with him.
1.
They have charisma Sociopaths are confident, charismatic people. It seems to them that they are better and smarter than others, and show this in all life situations.
My ex could charm anyone. More than once I watched him talking to a stranger, and a minute later he exchanged phone numbers with him or sat down next to him for a conversation.
2. They quickly become involved in a relationship
Already on the second date, you may well start discussing the wedding. A couple of weeks later, he'll offer to move in. In a month, he will share his dreams of a long life together. He draws a beautiful picture, and you literally fall into it.
The former treated our novel like a puzzle, changing the pieces at his discretion.
3. They often lie
They manage it as easily as breathing.
The former turned out to be a first-class actor. After half a year of meetings, I received a letter from some girl with screenshots of their conversations and joint photos. Who did I believe? To him!
4. They don't want to share you with anyone
The longer we met, the less I saw my friends and even my family. Sociopaths are somewhat paranoid, they don't want to be interrupted in their game of life.
5. They are easily manipulated
When he needed something from me, he would invent anything to get it. He accused me of not having time to study, but in fact he didn't want anything. And if I said that he had no motivation, he began to insult. Then he pretended to be good for a while, and I relaxed again. And yes, he offended and scolded me quite often. But it seemed to me that everything was right, until one fine day I finally had my sight.
How to communicate with a sociopath - Lifehacker
March 21, 2020 Relations
Living and working with a person who does not consider the feelings of others is difficult, but possible.
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0Who is a sociopath
A sociopath is a person suffering from antisocial personality disorder. Such people lack empathy, the ability to understand the experiences of others and emotionally respond to events. Therefore, a sociopath does not perceive social norms and rules, constantly violates them and does not consider other people's feelings.
Because of their high intelligence and disregard for rules, sociopaths make the best criminals. And although most do not do anything illegal, sociopaths are potential manipulators, ready to use people for their own purposes.
Lifehacker has already told in detail how to crack a sociopath. You need to be wary if a person:
- at the beginning of communication was charming, but gradually begins to dictate his will to you;
- lies a lot and often, writing stories on the go without any problems;
- lives without friends, family, does not talk about the past, but is surrounded by admirers;
- prone to sudden outbursts of anger and aggression;
- tries to isolate you from society;
- narcissistic to megalomania;
- likes to manipulate other people to achieve his goals;
- knows how to keep an icy calm in stressful situations.
How to properly communicate with him
It is better, of course, not to communicate at all. If you understand that you have a sociopath in front of you who is going to achieve what you want with your help, then it is better to refuse communication in time than to suffer later.
Easy to say but hard to do, especially at work, with friends or family.
Assess the risk
If you are a suggestible person, easily influenced by others or lack confidence, try to keep communication to a minimum. The more vulnerabilities you have, the easier it is to manage you. It is these people who are the victims of manipulation.
This does not mean that the sociopath should be demonstratively avoided. Just try to do less common things.
Think of yourself
Sociopaths choose as victims dependent people who tend to obey instructions. The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is confidence and independence, your own position and ability to think.
The more independent a person is, the more difficult it is to control him, which is why sociopaths do not like them.
It can take years to understand who you are and what you are striving for. Learn new things, communicate with different people and listen to someone else's point of view, but do not accept it immediately. This will help develop independent thinking.
Learn self-confidence. It's difficult, but necessary.
Do not fall for provocations
That is, do not feed the troll. If you are not being manipulated, then it is not interesting to manage you - a sociopath will quickly get bored. Keep calm in communication, do not go into conflict.
Do not tell a person that he is a sociopath
This will either make him angry or provoke him. And it may well be that the sociopath is not aware of his behavior. In general, do not show that you have figured it out. Maintain polite communication.
Don't fall for his charms
A sociopath knows how to charm and how to present himself favorably.
But this is not a reason to forget about who is in front of you. Remember that behind the stream of compliments lies some kind of catch.
Seriously, don't give in. A sociopath knows how to poison stories in order to arouse sympathy and sympathy, knows how to prove his importance. This is normal for him, but if you believe and follow, you risk becoming a victim of manipulation in the future. Yes, this is not very good, after all, a person is not to blame for sociopathy and mental disorder. But that doesn't make it any easier for you, does it?
End a difficult relationship
If you recognize a manipulator in your partner and his behavior poisons your life, try to end the relationship as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the harder it is to break free from a sociopath. While feelings can be strong, relationships with a sociopath are often life-threatening. Take a closer look: maybe this is just your case.
Just don't confuse sociopathy with indifference.
Want to put a label on someone who hurt you or behaved selfishly? Perhaps there are reasons for such behavior, the person made a mistake and repents. The sociopath made no mistake, does not worry and will do it again - when he needs it.
It is not easy to end a relationship with a sociopath on your own if you have already fallen under his influence. Enlist the support of friends and family. Get ready for the fact that the sociopath does not accept rejection and will be ready for reckless actions for the sake of your attention.
Warn Others
It's not worth shouting around every corner that you've identified a sociopath, but it's sometimes worth warning shared family and friends, especially if you see that someone has fallen under the influence of a manipulator. Help the victim to understand the situation. Of course, you don’t have to fight off a sociopath with a gun, but you shouldn’t completely let the situation take its course.
Don't be afraid
After all that has been written and said about sociopaths, it's hard not to get paranoid and suspicious of everyone around you.
