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How common is infidelity in committed relationships


How Common Is Cheating? | Psych Central

More people cheat than you might imagine. Here are the numbers.

Cheating in relationships is common in the United States among all age groups.

The internet makes this phenomenon easier than ever, expanding opportunities for different types of cheating. And getting caught.

If you’ve cheated on your partner or been cheated on, you’re not alone. It’s a tale as old as time and you can take heart: folks on both sides of infidelity can heal.

A 2010 research article suggests that finding accurate statistics on infidelity may be problematic for several reasons, including:

  • Not everyone defines cheating in the same way. Does flirting count? What about virtual affairs?
  • Infidelity in LGBTQ+ communities has not been well-studied or reported.

Here’s what we do know about the prevalence of cheating.

A 2021 survey by Health Testing Centers polled 441 people and reported:

  • a little over 46% of respondents in a monogamous relationship said they had affairs
  • nearly 24% of marriages affected by infidelity reported staying together
  • 47. 5% of relationships affected by cheating said they established and enforced new relationship rules, such as sharing phone passwords, to minimize the likelihood of more affairs

Research in 2020 analyzed data on infidelity in marriage from 1991 to 2018 by the General Social Survey (GSS). The most recent data on extramarital sex within demographic groups was unpacked, and the numbers are interesting.

DemographicsRates
men who say they cheat23%
women who say they cheat12%
married people who say they cheat12%
divorced people who say they cheat26%
infidelity of Black people24%
infidelity of white people16%
infidelity of other POCs13%
cheating in 55 to 64 year olds18%
cheating in 41 to 54 year olds16%
cheating in 18 to 40 year olds11%

It’s possible that the pandemic may have influenced an increase in virtual or online infidelity.

A 2020 research article reports that a dating site for married people had an increase in 1,500 new members per day compared to 2019. Researchers speculate that increased internet use and marital tensions under lockdown might account for this statistic.

As common as infidelity is, it often feels personal.

What actually is an affair?

Infidelity is sexual or emotional activity outside agreed-upon relationship boundaries. An affair can be a sexual activity but isn’t necessarily. Sometimes it’s hugging and kissing. Sometimes it’s not even that.

According to LuAnn Oliver, a couples therapist licensed in Virginia, affairs can include:

  • a one-night stand
  • compulsive sexual behavior
  • emotional infidelity
  • strongly desiring a particular someone else (coveting)
  • desiring your existing mate and someone else
  • an online flirtation or sexting

Why do people cheat?

A 2021 study used machine learning algorithms to find factors predicting infidelity. Some top predictors in cheating were:

  • Online cheating
    • Interest in trying specific sexual activities never achieved with their partner (anal sex)
    • Longer relationship length
    • Solitary desire (personal sexual desire)
  • In-person cheating
    • Low relationship satisfaction
    • Low romantic love
    • Solitary desire (personal sexual desire)

Sometimes people cheat for revenge or attention. Other times, folks cheat when their inhibitions are lowered while under the influence of a substance.

Relationship expert Esther Perel believes people cheat to transform regret, or to express a new identity, according to this Atlantic article she penned.

Romantic ideals and the concept of self-fulfillment can also affect modern infidelity.

Oliver, a certified emotionally focused therapist (EFT) has seen “people underestimate what it takes to have a stable, meaningful, connected, long-term relationship. ”

It’s easy for folks to avoid talking with their partner about what they really need for intimacy.

Oliver describes this common pattern: “You begin chatting with a colleague; the reward center in the brain lights up. One thing leads to another.”

How likely is someone to get away with it?

Of the participants reporting infidelity to Health Testing Centers, about 22% never communicated the relationship to their partners.

Still, an affair can be discovered.

In the 50s, this involved searching coat pockets for romantic restaurant matchboxes or receipts for gifts. Today, phones can be treasure troves of easy access and sometimes graphic information.

Another way people get caught is by contracting an STI — 53% of those who get a sexually transmitted infection by cheating communicated their infidelity.

Oliver says couples tend to visit her in therapy once the affair is over. She adds that cheating affects both partners negatively, creating stress and upheaval, but at different times.

For the one being cheated on

If you feel betrayed, the period post-affair can be a low point — particularly if you discover the cheating after a long period of lying, Oliver says.

If the partner who cheated discloses the infidelity by choice, sharing it honestly, Oliver says she’s seen couples recover much faster.

You may find yourself questioning your identity, even if the affair wasn’t about you.

Worth noting

If you feel as though you’ve lost your identity in a relationship after being cheated on, here’s how you can rediscover your values.

For the one cheating

If you’ve cheated and talked to your partner about it, you may be feeling relief. You may feel more atonement than regret.

But this could be salt in a wound to your partner.

You might find it beneficial to the relationship to stay open to questions and concerns, even after you’ve ended the affair and moved on emotionally. Moving forward, it may be good to set expectations of what infidelity means for you both.

Whether you’ve had an affair yourself, or have been cheated on, you’re not alone. And healing is possible.

“Couples can and do recover from affairs,” says Oliver. “Many, many have, and many, many will. Once the affair is over, they can dig into what they’ve been neglecting. It’s important not to feel shame for staying in a relationship after an affair.”

While consciously rebuilding trust works for some married couples, “divorce, also, isn’t the end of the world,” Oliver says. “For some, it can be a doorway into new opportunities.”

10 facts about infidelity |

Love isn’t so much an emotion, says biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, as it is a brain system, one of three that’s related to mating and reproduction. It’s those other two systems that explain why human beings are capable of infidelity even as we so highly value love. Here Fisher explains more about cheating — why it occurs, how common it is and how a study shows it could potentially correlate to a gene.

1. Pairbonding is a hallmark of humanity. Data from the Demographic Yearbooks of the United Nations on 97 societies between 1947 and 1992 indicate that approximately 93.1% of women and 91.8% of men marry by age 49. More recent data indicates that some 85% of Americans will eventually marry.

Further reading:

  • Anatomy of Love, by Helen Fisher
  • The Marriage-Go-Round, by Andrew J. Cherlin
  • Marriage, a History, by Stephanie Coontz

2. However, monogamy is only part of the human reproductive strategy. Infidelity is also widespread. Current studies of American couples indicate that 20 to 40% of heterosexual married men and 20 to 25% of heterosexual married women will also have an extramarital affair during their lifetime.

Further reading:

  • The Social Organization of Sexuality, by Edward Laumann, John Gagnon, Robert Michael and Stuart Michaels
  • “Serial monogamy and clandestine adultery: Evolution and consequences of the dual human reproductive strategy,” by Helen Fisher in Applied Evolutionary Psychology

3. Brain architecture may contribute to infidelity. Human beings have three primary brain systems related to love. 1) The sex drive evolved to motivate individuals to seek copulation with a range of partners; 2) romantic love evolved to motivate individuals to focus their mating energy on specific partners, thereby conserving courtship time and metabolic energy; 3) partner attachment evolved to motivate mating individuals to remain together at least long enough to rear a single child through infancy together. These three basic neural systems interact with one another and other brain systems in myriad flexible, combinatorial patterns to provide the range of motivations, emotions and behaviors necessary to orchestrate our complex human reproductive strategy. But this brain architecture makes it biologically possible to express deep feelings of attachment for one partner, while one feels intense romantic love for another individual, while one feels the sex drive for even more extra-dyadic partners.

Further reading:

  • Why We Love, by Helen Fisher

4. Infidelity has been a reality across cultures. It was also common among the classical Greeks and Romans, pre-industrial Europeans, historical Japanese, Chinese and Hindus and among the traditional Inuit of the arctic, Kuikuru of the jungles of Brazil, Kofyar of Nigeria, Turu of Tanzania and many other tribal societies.

Further reading:

  • Nisa: The Life and Words of a !Kung Woman, by Marjorie Shostak

5. There are different types of infidelity. Researchers have broadened the definition of infidelity to include sexual infidelity (sexual exchange with no romantic involvement), romantic infidelity (romantic exchanges with no sexual involvement) and sexual and romantic involvement.

Further reading:

  • “Justifications for extramarital relationships: The association between attitudes, behaviors, and gender,” by Shirley Glass and Thomas Wright in the Journal of Sex Research

6. Myriad psychological, cultural and economic variables play a role in the frequency and expression of infidelity. But one thing is clear: infidelity is a worldwide phenomenon that occurs with remarkable regularity, despite near universal disapproval of this behavior.

  • “Infidelity: who, when, why,” by Irene Tsapelas, Helen Fisher and Arthur Aron in The Dark Side of Close Relationships II

7. Mate poaching is a pronounced trend. In a recent survey of single American men and women, 60% of men and 53% of women admitted to “mate poaching,” trying to woo an individual away from a committed relationship to begin a relationship with them instead. Mate poaching is also common in 30 other cultures.

Further reading:

  • “Patterns and universals of mate poaching across 53 nations: the effects of sex, culture, and personality on romantically attracting another person’s partner,” by David P. Schmitt in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
  • The Dangerous Passion, by David M. Buss

8. Infidelity doesn’t necessarily signal an unhappy relationship. Regardless of the correlation between relationship dissatisfaction and adultery, among individuals engaging in infidelity in one study, 56% of men and 34% of women rated their marriage as “happy” or “very happy,” suggesting that genetics may also play a role in philandering.

Further reading:

  • “Sex differences in type of extramarital involvement and marital dissatisfaction,” by Shirley Glass and Thomas Wright in Sex Roles
  • “Infidelity: who, when, why,” by Irene Tsapelas, Helen Fisher and Arthur Aron in The Dark Side of Close Relationships II

9. Studies show the possibility of a gene that correlates to infidelity. In 2008, Walum and colleagues investigated whether the various genes affect pair-bonding behavior in humans; 552 couples were examined; all had been married or co-habiting for at least five years. Men carrying the 334 vasopressin allele in a specific region of the vasopressin system scored significantly lower on the Partner Bonding Scale, indicating less feelings of attachment to their spouse. Moreover, their scores were dose dependent: those carrying two of these genes showed the lowest scores, followed by those carrying only one allele. Men carrying the 334 gene also experienced more marital crisis (including threat of divorce) during the past year, and men with two copies of this gene were approximately twice as likely to have had a marital crisis than those who had inherited either one or no copies of this allele. Last, the partners of men with one or two copies of this gene scored significantly lower on questionnaires measuring marital satisfaction. This study did not measure infidelity directly, but it did measure several factors likely to contribute to infidelity.

Further reading:

  • “Genetic variation in the vasopressin receptor 1a gene (AVPR1A) associates with pair-bonding behavior in humans,” by Hasse Walum et al in The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences

10. Several scientists have offered theories for the evolution of human adultery. I have proposed that during prehistory, philandering males disproportionately reproduced, selecting for the biological underpinnings of the roving eye in contemporary men. Unfaithful females reaped economic resources from their extra-dyadic partnerships, as well as additional males to help with parenting duties if their primary partner died or deserted them. Moreover, if an ancestral woman bore a child with this extra-marital partner, she also increased genetic variety in her descendants. Infidelity had unconscious biological payoffs for both males and females throughout prehistory, thus perpetuating the biological underpinnings and taste for infidelity in both sexes today.

Further reading:

  • Anatomy of Love, by Helen Fisher

And a few other books that may be of interest. Further reading on mate choice:

  • Why Him? Why Her, by Helen Fisher
  • The Mating Mind, by Geoffrey Miller

And for further reading on love addiction, see:

  • “The Tyranny of love: Love addiction–an anthropologist’s view,” by Helen Fisher in Behavioral Addictions

Helen Fisher is a biological anthropologist who studies the brain in love. She is the Chief Scientific Advisor for dating site Match.com and the author of five books on love, sex and relationships, including Why Him? Why Her?: How to Find and Keep Lasting Love.

Infidelity: Why we shouldn't be too trusting

  • William Parke
  • BBC Future

Image copyright, Getty Images

Of course, we want to think only good things about our loved one, but perhaps we shouldn't be too gullible.

Mike Pence refuses to dine alone with a woman unless she is his wife. In the eyes of the Vice President of the United States, this is a sign of respect for his wife, Karen, as well as a rule that reflects his strict religious views.

Some consider this approach to be a good solution for those men who cannot control their behavior. Others have called Pence's position condescending towards women, sexist and offensive.

(By the way, this position is not uncommon: according to one study, about 5.7% of respondents believed that buying food for a person of the opposite sex can be regarded as an act of infidelity, that is, treason.)

Whatever you think about the reasons for such behavior of the American vice president, at least he and his wife clearly outlined the boundaries of what is decent for them and what is not in relations with people of the opposite sex. This is not the case for many heterosexual couples.

It is often very difficult for people to give a precise definition of infidelity. Many people greatly underestimate the likelihood that their partner will cheat (despite the fact that they themselves have cheated or are cheating).

In addition, these people do not understand well what to do if this happens to them (and the reaction of others often surprises them).

Given the prevalence of infidelity, this lack of understanding and inability to discuss the topic together is the cause of many heartbreaks - and a number of psychologists believe that we should talk more openly with each other about this.

Figuring out how many people have been unfaithful to their partners is not easy, partly because scientists rely on honest confessions in such studies.

As a result, estimates of the number of cases of infidelity can vary widely and often depend on how the data was collected.

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The maximum estimate is that 75% of men and 68% of women have admitted to committing an act of infidelity in one way or another at some point in their relationship (although more recent 2017 studies show roughly the same percentage of men and women cheating ).

According to minimal estimates, the proportion of cheating in relationships is 14%, still quite a lot.

And yet, only 5% believe that their partner has cheated or will cheat in the future. So even the most conservative estimates suggest that this happens much more often than people expect. Perhaps we are too trusting in a relationship.

"Those of us who are not depressed tend to be overly optimistic about the likelihood that something bad will happen," says Susan Boon of the University of Calgary, Canada.

"And one of the manifestations of such optimism is the small admission of a partner's infidelity. On the other hand, believing in your partner is a healthier approach for a relationship than watching his behavior all the time with suspicion."

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

Approximately one in twenty heterosexual couples consider it cheating to buy food for someone of the opposite sex

This is where one of the problems comes in: the word "infidelity" means different things to different people . Scientists can formulate what it means, but each of us will still interpret it in our own way.

"I'm not sure why people don't talk to each other about this, given how often infidelity occurs in movies or songs," Boon says.

"We don't all know how diverse the points of view on this are, how different the standards of behavior are for different people. We mistakenly believe that if we ourselves regard this or that behavior as cheating, then our partner thinks the same way. People prefer think it won't happen to them. "

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About 70% of us have never discussed with our loved one what exactly can be considered infidelity. Here, for example, is a mobile dating app. Can it be considered a manifestation of infidelity that a person downloaded it to his smartphone?

Between 18 and 25% of Tinder users are in stable relationships. Probably, if Tinder helps them find a new partner and meet, then this can be considered infidelity. It is no coincidence that such Tinder users are more likely to agree to sex without commitment.

Participants in the study, who were asked whether they allowed the possibility that their partner had been unfaithful to them, could interpret "infidelity" as they pleased. So just 5% is a surprisingly small percentage.

For some, infidelity is only sex, but for others, even a slight flirtation may be considered as such. However, even when we are given the freedom to interpret the concept of "infidelity", we are still overly optimistic and believe that this will not happen to us.

So-called emotional infidelity is particularly difficult to define. This often happens in the workplace when intertwined professional and personal interests form close relationships. Such relationships easily grow from quite innocent to something more intimate.

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In one of the studies, scientists were interested in women's views on relationships in the workplace. Women (30 to 50 years old in a committed relationship) were asked questions about situations where the line between what was acceptable and what was not acceptable in the office was blurred.

"I can't lie, I'm waiting to see him at work," one of them confessed. "I feel like a stupid schoolgirl who has fallen in love with someone. Well, you know, you see him and - ah!.. It worries you so much..."

The interviewees concluded that physical intimacy is not at all necessary in order to feel that you have been emotionally unfaithful to your regular partner.

It is enough that you hide something from him, think about something else, trust another. All of this could very well happen given the amount of time we spend at work.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

Around 70% have cheated on their partner at some point in their lives

Respondents said trusting a partner is important for a healthy relationship. But the behavior of your partner's friends can open your eyes to his own attitudes towards fidelity and infidelity.

The greater the proportion of your friends who you believe have cheated on their partners, the more likely it is that you yourself have done so in the past - and will do so in the future.

The fact is that we tend to surround ourselves with people who seem to relate to the problem of adultery.

It is clear that most people in monogamous relationships believe that it is morally wrong to cheat on a partner. Well, if someone did cheat, would it be the best way to admit guilt?

When researchers ask this question, people tend to answer yes. More than 90% of those surveyed say they would like to know if a partner has cheated on them.

One of the studies says that the importance of loyalty and purity is the basis of the moral assessments of such people.

In fact, being faithful is more important than being afraid to hurt someone's feelings. If the most important thing is not to hurt, then people argued that it was better and more ethical to keep a casual romance on the side a secret than to admit it.

Another thing is whether this is really the best way out. Infidelity is the leading cause of divorce in the United States.

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  • What is dangerous about believing in true and only love0016 Admitting infidelity certainly hurts the feelings of a loved one, but different people react to it in very different ways.

    Greg Tortoriello, a psychologist at the University of Alabama, has been studying how the perceived breakup of a relationship affects people, especially those who suffer from bad luck.

    One example is narcissistic people who seek approval from others in everything and focus on how to properly present themselves.

    "We evaluated two types of narcissists - "grand" and "vulnerable", - says Tortoriello.

    "The grandiose narcissist has an incredibly inflated self-importance, while the vulnerable narcissist is sensitive to other people's assessments and usually not so sure of himself. In both cases, the slightest threat can provoke an aggressive reaction. "

    In one of Tortoriello's studies, participants were asked to imagine that their partner was caught in various forms of infidelity.

    Some options were emotional infidelity (partner was on the phone with someone late at night and didn't respond to your messages), others were sexual.

    Image copyright, Getty Images

    Image caption,

    Personality traits such as narcissism can greatly influence how people respond to infidelity

    "Grand daffodils wanted to regain power and control in a relationship when emotional infidelity was threatened" , - says Tortoriello.

    "This took the form of verbal threats, physical threats, surveillance. But we did not observe any deeper negative emotions in connection with these hypothetical situations."

    Vulnerable narcissists, having learned about their partner's emotional infidelity, spent more time worrying, plunging headlong into negative emotions. They took infidelity more to heart.

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    Clinically, the diagnosis of narcissism is black and white. Either you are a narcissist or you are not.

    But most behavioral psychologists, such as Tortoriello, view narcissism as a scale in which each of us is a narcissist to a greater or lesser extent.

    In the mentioned study, the scientist chose those who scored above average on the narcissistic scale, but were not necessarily pathological narcissists.

    "If you are in a relationship with one of these people and are sexually unfaithful to him, then most likely he will try to regain dominance, which will manifest itself in quite destructive behavior. But in the case of emotional infidelity, everything will be even more complicated," notes Tortoriello.

    "Vulnerable narcissists may not tell you that they are worried about the state of your relationship, that everything is bad for them. And if I were asked for advice, I would say that the most important thing in such a relationship is to find a way to talk honestly with each other and support this opportunity in every possible way.

    Forgiveness is likely if the infidelity was an isolated incident and if a sincere apology was offered.

    However, both Tortoriello and Boon emphasize again and again that people react very differently to hypothetical situations and to reality.

    "Respondents unanimously tell researchers that they would end relationships with an unfaithful partner, but in real life this is not always the case," says Boone. "It's often really the end of a marriage, but sometimes not at all."

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    Tortoriello is thinking about starting to collect real life data and would like to study the versions of events given by both parties as a couple.

    Do our partners think we are more prone to infidelity than we really are? Do they mistake innocent flirting for treason?

    And one more thing to consider: although the prevalence of cheating is high (it can happen to many of us at some point in life), in any given year, the degree of its probability is, perhaps, quite low.

    There is therefore no particular need to discuss this topic with your partner right now, urgently.

    ---

    You can read the original English version of this article at BBC Future .

    "Infidelity reveals the truth about your relationship": where does cheating come from

    Under what circumstances love triangles arise, how to survive betrayal and not fall into a new relationship with the same scenario - these are just a few of the questions that American therapist David Richo answers in his book How to Be an Adult in a Relationship. The work of a scientist who explores love based on the concept of mindfulness has been translated into 12 languages ​​and has been reprinted for over 20 years. Recently, the book was first published in Russia by the MIF publishing house. With his permission, Gazeta.Ru publishes an excerpt from the chapter "Fears and Dangers", in which the author talks about the nature of infidelity.

    It is believed that if everything is done correctly, then you will have a faithful spouse and a stable relationship. It seems that we take it for granted. Loyal people have a particularly hard time with abandonment and infidelity. Their ego is hurt, and bitterness stays with them for a long time: "I thought that I would always be taken care of, and not exchanged for someone else (younger)." It hurts the most at the moment when you understand: “He can give the five elements of love (attention, acceptance, recognition, affection, freedom), but he wants to do it for another. He used to give them to me, and then he stopped. I've been waiting for it to come back, but now it's no longer with me."

    Infidelity reveals the truth about your relationship. Love triangles arise in cases where there are problems in a couple, when we do not want to let go of a partner and try to adapt him to ourselves. The third corner can be a lover, a life crisis, addiction, and more. Is it possible to solve the problem in pairs, avoiding the appearance of a third corner?

    Infidelity always becomes a relationship problem, never a personal problem. There are no victims and executioners here. Change is not the cause, but a symptom of the problem. The appearance of a third superfluous is not a reason for distance, but only an excuse.

    Infidelity indicates what exactly the partner lacks, and also reveals what we are afraid to show, for example: vulnerability, tenderness, playfulness, generosity, sexuality.

    The frustrated partner finds another to fill the void, instead of analyzing the problem or even acknowledging its existence. A lover may be the only way to end a relationship for those who cannot do it themselves. Or he will be able to satisfy the needs that are ignored in the relationship. A partner can satisfy the need for a reliable rear at home with his wife, and for thrills with his mistress. Or the need for submission to satisfy with his wife, and for dominance - with his mistress.

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    A potential partner can reflect better than the current one or awaken hitherto unknown positive aspects in a person.

    Infidelity can be a last resort for maintaining a relationship that has run its course or lacks intimacy, but the avoidance of intimacy, if it was with the previous partner, will continue in the new relationship. Due to the short duration of meetings with a lover and the need to keep everything secret, real intimacy is also impossible in such a relationship. As a result, two partners give less than one could give. In a love triangle, no one gives himself completely. In a deceived partner, infidelity awakens the fear of abandonment. This explains the appearance of a feeling of powerlessness and all-consuming pain. Powerlessness in this case means the inability to receive the five elements of love from a partner, and this gives us the key to unresolved childhood problems. In this situation, you should work with a psychologist on old problems that have again reminded of themselves. Infidelity seems to be the result of a loss of the five elements of love that happened or began some time ago. Realizing that experiences are connected not only with the betrayal of a partner, you will receive an abundance of psychological material that has long been craving your attention.

    Thus, a partner's betrayal can become a springboard to personal growth. When one partner takes a decisive step, for example, goes to another, the second can react with some equivalent action: for example, he can also find someone for himself. But an internal analysis would be more useful than rash actions. Revenge is sweet for the ego, but the desire for revenge signals that the real experience of grief has not occurred. In addition, new relationships cannot develop normally if they were started in order to unwind. A healthy person will not use anyone in this way.

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    It is not normal to run from one partner to another, creating alternate airfields. An adult goes nowhere and, while he is alone, is engaged in analysis, elaboration and resolution of his problems in order to change his life for the better. This is an auspicious time for self-knowledge and healing.

    Painful but valuable experience necessary for personal development leads to this situation. The good news is that a broken heart stays open for a while. Can it be kept like this in the future?

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    When confronted with a partner's infidelity, we ask ourselves, "How could he have found someone else so quickly? We have been together for many years, but I am nothing to him, and she is everything, although they have known each other for two months!” But this is just understandable: his feelings were only a projection of his desire for an ideal partner. Now he is projecting his idea onto another woman. It's not that the former is bad, but the current one is good. The man simply shifted his projection, as if he unscrewed the light bulb in the kitchen and screwed it in in the bedroom. Most likely, the new woman will not be able to give him anything that the projection promises. Unfortunately, to realize this, he will have to lose his wife, children and his usual way of life.

    Deceived partners often hear: "I love her, but I don't love you anymore." Can love in this context mean an exciting relationship, sexual satisfaction, self-confidence? "I don't love you anymore" can mean "I'm still attached to you, but it doesn't please me anymore.

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