Getting past resentment in a relationship

Dealing with Resentment in Relationships I Psych Central

Resentment can sneak up on even the most committed couples. Here’s how to banish bitterness before it rules your relationship.

Hovering somewhere between anger and disappointment, resentment is a nagging feeling that you’ve been treated unfairly in some way by another person.

In romantic relationships, this emotion can be challenging to identify yet highly destructive, eroding away at the very fibers that hold two people together.

But just because resentment is present doesn’t mean your relationship is ruined. It just means there’s work to do to uncover why it exists. Once you’ve identified the reasons behind resentful feelings, you and your partner can work toward rebuilding the love and respect you both deserve.

Resentment is the result of a perception that someone has treated you unfairly. Although the person you resent may not have intentionally meant to harm you, their actions or words may cause you to feel intense disappointment.

Some research suggests resentment is a combination of anger, surprise, disgust, contempt, and shock. However, other studies indicate that sometimes resentment can result from an individual’s perception of being mistreated when it may not be justified.

Reasons for resentment vary and may depend on your personal relationship expectations. For example, maybe your partner has made decisions that weren’t right for you, or you feel they aren’t doing their fair share of the household chores.

Differences in life goals can lead to resentment, as well. For instance, you may want to have a child and your partner doesn’t, or their job forces you to move to a location you don’t like.

People who are codependent or nonconfrontational may be especially prone to feelings of resentment. This is because they may have difficulty effectively communicating their wants and needs — allowing issues to fester and grow until eventually, resentment sets in.

How resentment impacts your relationship may have a lot to do with who feels resentful. If you harbor bitterness toward your partner, you may express anger unexpectedly, have less empathy for your loved one, or begin to emotionally withdraw from the relationship.

If your partner is resentful toward you, you may begin to feel anxious about the relationship or confused when your partner exhibits resentment-related behaviors. You might not understand why they’re acting this way and respond with defensiveness.

Although every person is different, and each relationship is unique, common signs that you may hold resentment toward your partner are:

passive-aggressive words or actions, or an increase of sarcastic remarks
increased agitation directed toward your partner
feeling like you want to escape the relationship
reduced feelings of empathy
less interest in sex or intimacy
feelings of disgust or disappointment
frequently complaining to others about your mate

On the other hand, if your partner is the one feeling resentment, you might experience:

a feeling of distance between you and your mate
anxiety about the relationship
an increase in arguments and confusion as to why they are occurring
feeling ignored, or that your opinions no longer matter

If you think you or your partner are prone to feeling resentful, there are steps you can take to help prevent it in your relationship. Here are some things you can try:

Address relationship issues as they occur

Allowing arguments to remain unresolved is a recipe for resentment. Although you might not always see eye to eye with your partner, working on each issue as it pops up instead of ignoring it can help keep bitterness at bay.

Learn to effectively communicate and express your feelings

Resentment can build if you have difficulty expressing your true feelings about issues within your relationship. One step you can take toward better communication is figuring out exactly what’s bothering you.

Once you’ve identified the reason behind your feelings, you can approach the problem with clarity — reducing the risk of miscommunication and resentment.

Keep your expectations realistic

Often, two people enter a relationship with preset expectations. When they’re not met, it can cause disappointment. Although everyone has boundaries that their partner should respect, it’s helpful to remember that no two people are exactly alike. Therefore, your partner may not meet every requirement on your expectation list. And that’s OK.

If bitterness is present in your relationship, consider trying these strategies to overcome it.

Consciously acknowledge the resentment

Sometimes, you might not even be aware resentment exists. So, if you’re feeling bitter toward your partner and can’t understand why, consider taking time to dig deeper for the root cause. If resentment is present, the next step is figuring out the issues causing it and working on them one at a time.

Focus on the good things

Although bitter feelings might be dominating your relationship right now, it’s helpful to remember the reasons why you’re with your partner. Thinking about their good qualities can help put your feelings into perspective, lessening the power resentment has over you.

Investigate your role in resentment

Sometimes resentfulness stems from how you perceive a situation. For example, you may feel mistreated — but why? Do you have unaddressed emotional triggers playing a part?

On the other hand, if your partner is resentful toward you, is there something you’re doing that could be playing a role in how they feel?

Learn ways to compromise

Sometimes, all it takes is a genuine compromise to make the relationship feel a bit more balanced. For instance, maybe you’re resentful of your mate’s mishandling of finances. A compromise might be having separate bank accounts. With the source of the bitterness no longer present, resentment may have a hard time brewing.

Despite your best efforts, sometimes it’s challenging to move past feelings of resentment. If this is happening to you and you want to remain with your partner, marriage or relationship therapy may be an option to consider.

Realizing that your relationship is experiencing resentment can be disheartening. Still, if both partners are willing, it can be dealt with effectively.

It can help to understand that this complex emotion doesn’t occur overnight. Instead, it’s often the result of long-standing unresolved issues paired with communication difficulties.

Once you uncover why it’s occurring in your relationship, you and your partner can take actionable steps to successfully address it.

Dealing with Resentment in Relationships I Psych Central

Resentment can sneak up on even the most committed couples. Here’s how to banish bitterness before it rules your relationship.

Hovering somewhere between anger and disappointment, resentment is a nagging feeling that you’ve been treated unfairly in some way by another person.

In romantic relationships, this emotion can be challenging to identify yet highly destructive, eroding away at the very fibers that hold two people together.

Differences in life goals can lead to resentment, as well. For instance, you may want to have a child and your partner doesn’t, or their job forces you to move to a location you don’t like.

Although every person is different, and each relationship is unique, common signs that you may hold resentment toward your partner are:

passive-aggressive words or actions, or an increase of sarcastic remarks
increased agitation directed toward your partner
feeling like you want to escape the relationship
reduced feelings of empathy
less interest in sex or intimacy
feelings of disgust or disappointment
frequently complaining to others about your mate

On the other hand, if your partner is the one feeling resentment, you might experience:

a feeling of distance between you and your mate
anxiety about the relationship
an increase in arguments and confusion as to why they are occurring
feeling ignored, or that your opinions no longer matter

If you think you or your partner are prone to feeling resentful, there are steps you can take to help prevent it in your relationship. Here are some things you can try:

Address relationship issues as they occur

Learn to effectively communicate and express your feelings

Once you’ve identified the reason behind your feelings, you can approach the problem with clarity — reducing the risk of miscommunication and resentment.

Keep your expectations realistic

If bitterness is present in your relationship, consider trying these strategies to overcome it.

Consciously acknowledge the resentment

Focus on the good things

Investigate your role in resentment

Sometimes resentfulness stems from how you perceive a situation. For example, you may feel mistreated — but why? Do you have unaddressed emotional triggers playing a part?

On the other hand, if your partner is resentful toward you, is there something you’re doing that could be playing a role in how they feel?

Learn ways to compromise

Realizing that your relationship is experiencing resentment can be disheartening. Still, if both partners are willing, it can be dealt with effectively.

It can help to understand that this complex emotion doesn’t occur overnight. Instead, it’s often the result of long-standing unresolved issues paired with communication difficulties.

Once you uncover why it’s occurring in your relationship, you and your partner can take actionable steps to successfully address it.

How to get rid of resentment towards a partner - Psychology of effective life

Being in a relationship, some women play a common game: "offended, made him guilty - got what she wanted. " Although such a strategy brings results, it does not work in the long run.

Sooner or later a man gets tired of feeling guilty and leaves. However, even knowing all this, it is very difficult to get rid of resentment. In this article, you will learn why this happens and how to stop being offended.

What is resentment and how is it formed?

Resentment is a complex emotion that includes anger, anger, disappointment, and even hatred. It occurs for two reasons:

- when reality does not match our expectations. We cannot change the situation by force, but we are not yet ready to give up our claims. For example, a woman is waiting for attention, sympathy and care. At the same time, she thinks that the partner should guess without words. In 99% of cases, he does not have telepathic abilities and cannot fulfill her request. Not getting what she wants, the woman chooses to be offended;

- when our pride is hurt. A harsh word, a remark, an unfair point of view - in all these situations, self-esteem suffers. Often, in such cases, a person has an Achilles' heel - imaginary or real shortcomings, of which he is ashamed. And hearing from another about them, he is offended.

Resentment is not an innate feeling, but an acquired one. It is formed in childhood. And here there may be different options.

For example, a toy is taken away from a girl, she cries. Mom explains that yes, it is, of course, insulting, but not fatal. She directs her attention to something else: an interesting game or a doll.

In this case, the child's self-perception does not suffer. Also, growing up, a woman understands that the world is different. And if something went wrong, as she wants, then you can look for another way out. As a rule, she does not have high expectations.

There is another development of the situation. They begin to feel sorry for the girl and buy her another toy or something sweet. She can fix this moment and use resentment as manipulation. If at the same time she is made an idol in the family and all desires are foreseen, then growing up she will expect a special attitude towards herself and be offended even because of minor remarks.

Resentment can also develop when a girl copies the behavior of one of her parents. For example, during a conflict, mom pouts, does not talk, dad does everything possible to relieve tension. He buys her flowers and gifts. Growing up, a woman begins to take offense in order to get what she wants.

How to get rid of resentment?

It is important to realize that by being offended, you only make things worse for yourself and further aggravate the relationship. Especially if you use resentment as manipulation. Sooner or later, the partner will realize that he is being manipulated. If he turns out to be a more emotionally mature person, he will most likely break off the relationship. Try to learn how to ask for help and speak clearly about your wants and needs.

Analyze situations where you have been hurt or offended. It may turn out that you have too excessive expectations. Often we think that others “by default” should say and do something. For example, a woman is waiting for flowers on March 8th, but does not tell the man. After all, it's obvious. But only for her. It may turn out that in the man's family it was not customary to give flowers. It was considered a thoughtless waste of money, so he does not consider it necessary to do so.

After you have sorted out your expectations, think about whether the person can actually fulfill them? Be open about what you want from him. And if he can - Bingo! You can rejoice. If not, it's up to you to decide if you're willing to lower your expectations.

If you are really hurt or offended, try to express your feelings in an environmentally friendly way. Tell your partner without shouting and scandals what hurt you and why.

Use "I-statements" instead of accusations. For example: “I get offended when you stay late at work and do not warn. At times like these, I feel like you don't care about me." Agree that such a presentation sounds much better than: “You do this all the time! You offended me!"

Remember, only you are responsible for your emotions. It is impossible to offend you if you yourself do not want it.

Resentment Techniques

"Child". Imagine that you are sitting in a theater and you see a child on the stage. This is your childhood abuser. He comes down from the stage and asks your forgiveness. Says he's sorry, he didn't mean to hurt you. Try to forgive him.

Train of emotions. Imagine a freight train. You put all negative emotions into his cars: resentment, anger, disappointment. The train departs and approaches the sun. All your grudges are burned away. And the cars are filled with solar energy. The train is coming back to you. You are taking the energy of the sun to the place where there was resentment before.

Conversation with resentment. Relax, get into a comfortable position and watch your body. Where do you feel resentment? As a rule, she "sits" on her chest or hangs on her shoulders with an unpleasant load. Take a close look at what she looks like. What is this? What colour? Shapes and sizes? Talk to her.

What does he want to tell you? What feelings and values were hurt? How can you support them without resentment? For example, increase self-esteem, lower expectations, look at the situation from a different perspective. Thank the offense for pointing it out. Say that now you choose to live without her. Imagine the image leaving. And in its place there is calmness or any other feeling that you now need.

If you cannot cope with the offense on your own, it is advisable to consult a psychologist. After all, freeing yourself from resentment, you make a gift to yourself.

Editorial

Why is it so difficult to get rid of resentment, no matter how much we explain to ourselves that it's time to let go and forget? Psychologist and business consultant Olga Yurkovskaya tells how to deal with emotions and what to do with offenders: https://psy. systems/post/kak-izbavitsya-ot-obidy-pochemu-sekretnye-texniki-ne-rabotayut

It can be advantageous for a manipulator to defiantly portray resentment, because it causes pity and guilt among others. Psychologist Victoria Sando explains how to understand in time that they are trying to “push” you, playing on your sense of duty, responsibility and conscientiousness: https://psy.systems/post/ya-obidelas.

Unresolved grievances make us avoid relationships because we don't want to experience pain again. The book by the Danish writer Ilse Sand "Fear of Proximity" will be useful for those who want to stop defending themselves, take a step towards loved ones, themselves and happiness: https://psy.systems/post/ilse-sand-strax-blizosti

How to get rid of resentment, cope, forgive and let go

Resentment is a whole range of emotions that can only destroy, not create. It does more harm to the offended than to the offender, as it grows like a snowball and turns into a real threat. Our coaching academy decided to sort out the questions: what is resentment and how to learn to forgive all insults.

We are constantly taught: we need to let go of resentment, stop nurturing it, not let it control us. A touchy person constantly mocks himself, does not allow himself to live a full life. Therefore, this burden should be disposed of. But, it's easy to talk about it. Most of the time we don't really know what to do. And often it seems that this is completely impossible. However, both coaches and psychologists say: with the help of special techniques, you can say goodbye to her forever .

In order to understand how to forgive an offense, you need to understand its origins. This is what we will do, and then we will move on to consider techniques that will allow us to get rid of this destructive feeling.

Why do people offend each other

The offender, just like the offended one, is the same person with his own weaknesses, shortcomings, problems and the right to make mistakes. Think about it: have you ever offended anyone? At 99.9% can argue that the answer will be negative. To understand why we offend each other, look at yourself . What are your reasons for doing this? If you dig deep within yourself, you can discover amazing things. Although, it is possible that you do not even suspect that you could offend someone with a careless word or action.

In fact, resentment is unjustified expectations . Perhaps you expected one thing from a person, but he acted differently. Maybe you didn't know him well enough to be shocked by his actions. Although sometimes it is very difficult to predict how even the person we have known for many years will act.

Offensive words, offensive phrases, offensive actions and even inaction of the offender in some situations can become the cause of offense. Sometimes insults are applied for one banal reason - envy. In such cases, it may well be considered a disguised compliment. There are very few who will praise for some successes and achieved heights. But there are plenty of those who will criticize, scold or ridicule. Many who, with the help of infliction of resentment, assert themselves at the expense of another person, at least slightly increase their own significance in their own eyes. The more the offended responds, the more satisfaction it will bring to the offender. So why fall for his tricks and let him "grow" in such a nefarious way?

Resentment and forgiveness

Some psychologists view resentment as a zone of personal growth. For example, you were told that you don’t know how to do something (embroider, bake pies, write without mistakes), your figure is far from ideal, or something else offensive to you? If the words spoken hurt you, then that is how you think about yourself, even if you yourself are not ready to admit it to yourself.

Perhaps you realize that you need to lose extra pounds or learn how to cook delicious pastries? A person who is confident in himself and does not feel the need to prove something to others will not be offended by such words. He will take them with laughter, since he thinks completely differently, and if the opponent does not like something (or he is simply jealous, which is not uncommon), then this is exclusively the opponent's problem.

If something has offended you, consider what it is. This is exactly the zone of growth, the place that prevents you from accepting and loving yourself. Thank the abuser for pointing out to you exactly where you feel bad about yourself.

Forgiving and letting go is a special skill that can be trained like any other skill . This does not mean that it should be swallowed. It is necessary to work out those unpleasant feelings that it causes. There will be no negative feelings - there will be no resentment. Forgiving the offender, you become stronger, freed .

Components of resentment

Resentment is a complex feeling consisting of different emotions. The main ones are anger at the offender and self-pity . There is an opinion that pathological resentment is the lot of self-centered people who do not get what they want. Wounded pride makes them feel negative feelings towards the opponent who offended them.

To understand the essence of resentment, it is necessary to know that it is consists of three main components :

Formation of expectations . A person begins to expect from another that he will perform a certain action. Often he doesn't even say what he wants. But, since each of us is an individual, the thoughts of two people may not coincide. Many problems and conflicts between personalities usually come from the fact that we simply do not know how to talk to each other. And so it turns out: we quarrel with parents, spouses, children, colleagues or friends because of innuendo, continuing to wait for them to “read” our thoughts and figure out for themselves what to do. Think: are you able to know exactly what even your closest person wants at a certain moment? Can you guess? If yes, then you are unique.
Activity monitoring . In addition to the fact that a person observes the behavior of another, he constantly predicts a negative result and criticizes and gets angry because of this.
The onset of reality . When expectations do not match reality, resentment arises. And the greater the "deviation" from expectations, the brighter it is.

By not imposing your views and opinions on another person, by allowing him to do as he wants, you can protect yourself from resentment. Everyone is free to speak, behave and act as they please. And if you are aware of this, you will not expect from another, which you can never expect. Accept the other person with the same personality that you are.

What kind of resentment can be

Resentment is one of the most emotional states that only bring harm to the offended. However, in some cases, the “offender” himself does not get anything good from the offense of his opponent, and he himself loses in many respects. Why did we put this word in quotation marks? And the thing is that not always the offender is actually the offender. However, first things first. To understand what we are talking about, you should understand what kind of offense there is:

Resentment-manipulation . Resentment in psychology is often seen as a way of manipulation . Quite primitively, but effectively, this way of getting what they want is used by children. Tears, sobs, depressed mood - this is how a child may try to "unwind" parents for a new toy, more pocket money or personal time for entertainment. Unfortunately, many adults use the same approach. The reasons for manipulative behavior can be different. Someone wants to win back the leading position in the relationship and points to the “place” of the opponent, which can be a love partner, colleague, parent, friend, etc. For someone, resentment-manipulation is a way to get some kind of benefit. Often the so-called "offended" himself provokes a situation that will allow him to be offended with a clear conscience.
Formal insult . In a society, there may be certain traditions and cultures in which concepts are formed regarding what should be offended. From childhood, people are taught what is offensive and what is not (stereotypes). If you add egocentricity to this, then you get a very touchy person. Offending a person in such cases is not difficult, even if nothing offensive was said or done.
Resentment as a natural reaction . This is a completely natural response when some words or actions hurt the feelings of another person, his abilities and "I". For example, it is difficult to imagine that there could be any other reaction to betrayal, deceit or ingratitude. But, even in such cases, resentment does not carry anything but anger, anger, undesirable psychosomatic consequences (health problems).

Resentment is usually a subjective feeling. For example, what may be offensive for one person, for another is a trifle that is not even worth attention. This proves that we are all different: with our own character, upbringing, level of emotional sensitivity, characteristics of the nervous system and attitudes. It's not always when someone offends you, he does it on purpose. It is possible that some words or actions hurt you, because this is your “pain point” that others do not know about . Or, perhaps, the offender does not have a sufficient level of tact, tolerance and life experience to understand that he is saying or doing something wrong.

What are the most difficult grievances

It is unlikely that anyone will argue with the fact that it is most difficult to let go of a grudge against those closest to you - for example, parents.

Everything starts from childhood . Many people remember this very important period in the life of every person as such, when something was not given to him or, conversely, he was given what he did not need. What do people most often complain and get offended about when they are already in adulthood? Here are some examples:

little attention or overprotection from parents;
beliefs that you were loved less than other children in your family;
many reproaches and criticism, comparison with other children;
lack of support from parents who did not believe in your abilities, etc.

In general, how many people and families - so many reasons for resentment. And often the reason for them is that children place a lot of expectations on their parents. It seems to them that adults should always act wisely, because that's what they are adults . And when expectations are not justified, faith in the “idealness” of the next of kin collapses. And, unfortunately, we often carry these grievances through our lives.

In the future, resentment towards mother, father, grandparents, aunts or uncles is projected onto relationships with other people in adulthood. We transfer all the lost money onto our spouses and, of course, they also sometimes give a reason to be offended by them. This most often contributes to the destruction of harmonious relationships.

Sure the closest ones can really hurt . Treason, betrayal, unwillingness to meet halfway in resolving conflicts, indifference and other impartial acts are reasons to be offended. But think about it, do you really need it? In some situations, it is better to minimize communication with such a person or even let go (if this is a beloved man or woman), but before that it is better to forgive all insults. This is not for anyone else, but for you.

Why is forgiveness so important?

Many do not understand why he needs to forgive insults, arguing that his offender will feel even better and he will not suffer any punishment. You need to understand what it takes to maintain your health. What about health, you may ask?

You must have heard that thoughts are material. Constantly replaying some painful situation in your head, remembering the details of the offense, you will not make the offender worse . Since you experience negative emotions, it is your body that suffers. It's no secret that stress causes health problems. Resentment is stress, and constantly "chewed" resentment - persistent stress . Over time, emotional problems lead to physical illness. This is called psychosomatic diseases, and psychosomatics studies such a problem - a science that explains the influence of psychological problems on the work of various organs.

Examples of some diseases arising from emotional problems:

allergy - protest, difficulty in expressing one's position, inability to refuse;
throat diseases - unspoken resentment, anger from the fact that you cannot cope with some situation;
gastritis and other diseases of the stomach - anger, irritability, fear;
headaches, migraines - constant tension, clamps, low self-esteem, self-criticism, fear;
gynecological diseases - rejection of femininity, rejection by a woman of herself;
obesity - attempts to protect themselves from the traumatic surrounding reality, hypersensitivity, building a barrier between themselves and the world;
liver diseases - unspoken resentment, sadness, anger, suppression of irritability;
oncological diseases - a deep-seated resentment, a desire for revenge, a spiritual wound;
heart diseases - lack of a sense of joy, problems of a love nature, loneliness.

With the help of diseases, negative emotions find an outlet for themselves . But, if psychological problems are not solved, diseases will receive "feeding" from them. This can drag on indefinitely. So why accumulate resentment? Why should they be allowed to poison our body, spoil our health and life? Let them leave.

How to get rid of resentment

Before you start getting rid of resentment, you should start with understanding how and why you need to forgive. This will help psychological advice, which are certain steps on the path to forgiveness.

So, how to deal with resentment (a few basic recommendations):

Learn a simple truth: resentment is evil and self-destructive. The worst thing is to feed resentment . Even if you are a hundred times right and the person really acted disgustingly towards you, your negative emotions will only make you feel bad. They will slowly destroy you, eat you up and leave only emptiness behind. Perhaps this is banal advice, but you need to let go of the past, whatever it may be. It is necessary to keep the course only forward and boldly look into the future.
Positive motivation is a great strength . Try to imagine what will happen if you start to easily forgive your offender. First, you will no longer be dependent on other people's negative actions towards you. You will be free from pain and resentment, you will not destroy yourself. Secondly, you will be able to build relationships with other people without unnecessary fears, because often resentment prevents you from looking at the world around you with clear eyes. Thirdly, a person devoid of resentment and dependence on negative emotions attracts good people more. And fourthly, you can be happy, feel harmony.
Negative motivation can also become an assistant. Think about what will happen if you never get rid of your resentment? Consequences can be dire:

You will constantly experience negative experiences. They will corrode you, prevent you from enjoying life.
Resentment will gradually grow like a snowball. Every year new grievances will be added to the old ones, because of which sooner or later a person will start to get sick. The worst thing is that unforgiven grievances can lead to cancer.
Any relationship due to resentment invariably deteriorates. You stop trusting other people, you lose the feeling of joy and love. This can destroy any, even the most durable alliance.
Resentment will constantly prevent you from building relationships with your loved one.
Often, resentment becomes a motive for revenge. And revenge, as you know, leads to a dead end. It can cause irreparable mistakes that can destroy not only your life, but also the lives of other people.

Learn from negative situations even . Oddly enough, the most valuable experience we get from difficult life situations. Be grateful for those people and circumstances that test your strength. Because they make you stronger.
A sense of humor will help to cope with resentment. You should learn to be self-critical. None of us is perfect, but those people are strong who are able to admit it and make fun of themselves. If you can laugh at your shortcomings, there will be no point for others to poke at them . It will not give them any pleasure, because you are invulnerable in this respect.

These were recommendations considered, so to speak, theoretically. To consolidate everything that was said above and help yourself get rid of resentment, it should be worked out. Special psychological techniques will help in this. Some of them we will consider in the next section of the article.

How to work through resentment: effective psychological techniques

Forgiveness will help you let go of resentment. Some techniques will help to achieve it. An important condition - try to tune in to work on yourself as much as possible, fully engage in the process and try not to be distracted by external stimuli.

Exercise #1. "Revenge"

Try to take revenge on the offender (naturally, in your imagination). To do this, take a comfortable body position, close your eyes and clearly imagine in front of you the person who offended you. Now draw a detailed picture of his punishment, namely what the offender must do in order for you to forgive him. At the end of the exercise, you should feel the satisfaction of having forgiven your opponent.

Exercise #2. "Making a List of Grievances"

Get a piece of paper and a pen ready and refresh your memory. Now you can start the exercise. Sit down, write in the middle at the top of the sheet the name of your offender, under which you begin to write down all the unpleasant emotions that he provoked with his offensive actions or words. You may be surprised when you can even remember seemingly forgotten grievances. As you can see, they did not go anywhere, but simply hid, continuing to annoy you. These are the most dangerous grievances that gradually destroy you from the inside, and you hid them even deeper.

Exercise #3. Three Letters

You will be required to write three letters. The first should be devoted to how exactly you were offended by a particular person. Describe in words all your indignation. The second letter should be written the next day and state in it everything that was not indicated in the previous one. If you correctly express your feelings, then you may even have a feeling of understanding the offender. The third letter is written, respectively, on the third day. It should contain words of forgiveness and gratitude for the fact that you have been given a valuable life lesson. After all this, all three letters are burned. You should feel relieved.

Exercise #4. “Forgiveness”

Take the most comfortable position for yourself and loudly, turning to the offender, say that he is kind, good and you forgive him for ... (indicate for what exactly). After that, do not forget to say to yourself: "I forgive myself for ...".

Since it is almost impossible to forgive an offense at once, do this exercise every day for 5-15 minutes. If you have a grudge against your loved one, parents, or someone else who is ready to change the situation in a relationship in a positive way, then it is advisable to conduct this exercise with him.

Exercise #5. "Sliding over resentment"

This exercise is primarily aimed at preventing resentment. When the other person starts to do something that might make you feel resentful, don't get involved in the traumatic situation. How to do it? You can imagine it on the TV screen and mentally turn off its sound. You can also imagine the offender in a ridiculous situation that would make you laugh. And another option - build a wall between you, through which the words of the opponent will not penetrate to you.

Forgiveness is what helps to deal with resentment once and for all. Some people think that forgiveness is a weakness. Nothing like this! To forgive means to show your strength and rise above the offense and the offender. So you demonstrate (first of all, to yourself) that such troubles do not touch you at all and you are happy. Believe me, when you let go of the accumulated grievances and stop letting them into your heart, you will become joyful and healthier.

We have already said above that many psychologists see resentment as an opportunity for personal growth. let's p let's look at the situation of resentment from the point of view of coaching as an effective tool for personal development.

One of the principles of coaching is the principle of Awareness and Responsibility . By making a conscious choice, we take 100% responsibility for the consequences of that choice.
Everything in our life we create ourselves 100%. And if we created something, then we can change it. This principle applies to our thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
Resentment is our defensive reaction to the actions and words of the people around us. we cannot control our reaction to these words and actions of people. But we can control our thoughts, feelings, emotions . And this is only our choice in what emotion we are. We decide for ourselves whether to be offended or not. To be in emotions that destroy us and cause various diseases, or to be at least in a neutral state or experience joy, happiness.
Understanding the Law of 100% responsibility allows us to realize our power over our emotions and make us a confident and self-sufficient person.

First thing to do Stop. Take a deep breath and say to yourself mentally STOP. And ask yourself a few questions that will help you regain awareness . What is happening to me now? What am I thinking about now? What I feel? Is this what I want to feel? And if this is different from the feelings that you want to experience, then speak mentally or out loud :

- I am 100% responsible for my feelings, emotions and thoughts. I, and only I, once made the decision to react to such situations in this way (we list the emotions in which we are now), but I am the master of my emotions, and I can choose whether to hold these emotions or let go.

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Girlfriend says she needs space and time to think

Diagnosis code for bipolar

Meaning of dream about falling teeth

Chest hurts from stress