Getting over divorce anger

How to Deal With Anger After Divorce or Separation

In This Article

Our society tells us that anger is a taboo emotion. One to be kept under wraps, controlled, or, if possible, “extinguished” at the first sign of an elevated temper. But what has happened to the notion of feeling our feelings constructively, of course, to move on healthily?

Anger after divorce is as natural as the other feelings and emotions that overtake one or both partners, and yet it’s the only one that comes with the expectation that we quell it.

Most times, there is a belief that the ex is guilty of betrayal, whether infidelity, abuse, mismanagement of finances, or unfulfilled needs. Each mate will contend with the emotion-based on individual accusations.

Is it okay to be angry with an ex after a divorce or separation?

Following a divorce, one of the partners, you, typically feel that the ex let you down or betrayed you by leaving, especially if there was any wrongdoing involved.

In the same vein, you become mad with yourself because you allowed the behavior for any length of time. Blaming yourself for not seeing the problems sooner creates pain resulting in more backlash towards your ex.

Any emotions experienced, including anger, after a loss are a natural part of the progression when moving forward. Typically anger after divorce will come before grief or sadness.

It’s vital to allow yourself to entirely give in to what your heart and mind are going through when it occurs, and don’t try to be the brave or strong person like so many people might advise.

Fighting emotion isn’t the path to a stronger self. Following the stages of loss as they naturally occur will make you stronger and healthier in the end.

Why do some partners hold anger for an ex after the divorce?

Blame and divorce anger are the fiery elements that many partners contend with following a separation. Generally, these give way to acceptance and moving on.

Unfortunately, some mates hold onto being angry after divorce, allowing the emotion to serve as an obstacle in their pathway to the future. If you find yourself in this position, it could very well be because you don’t want to take a step inward.

When you do that, you’ll have to look at either why you didn’t walk away or see the problems before your partner did. That doesn’t mean you need to blame yoursehttps://www.marriage.com/advice/divorce/10-most-common-reasons-for-divorce/lf.

Still, if you’re in a continuous pattern of pointing the finger and recounting why the person left the relationship, regardless of if there was wrongdoing, it’s time to take a glance in the mirror. Work through those feelings because these are more than likely the ones that are creating the roadblock.

In many cases, it’s just too painful to consider the notion that you could have resolved the issue sooner, or perhaps you played a part in why the marriage ended. It’s much easier and safer to be mad at somebody else, point out their faults, and shout blame and discord.

15 Tips on how to deal with anger towards an ex following a divorce

Everyone handles their emotions in unique ways. How you deal with anger and divorce will be entirely different than how a friend might choose to cope.

The critical thing is allowing yourself to experience the emotion and to look at it in a healthy, constructive manner, seeing not only your ex but looking at yourself. Some helpful hints on things you can try to work your way through:

1. Stay focused on the facts

It can be easy to fall into the mindset that ultimately you’ll reconcile even in a state of anger.

Intellectually, it’s essential to try to keep yourself in the reality of the circumstances, understanding that the marriage is over so that you can progress from the point of being angry into the other stages of loss.

You won’t have the capacity to look at how life will be different or make decisions while stuck in this phase.

Instead, you’ll attempt to find reasons to discuss further what happened and why to resolve the problem. When you’re stuck here, this is where you need to look in the mirror and start to work inward.

2. Take your time

Friends and family will encourage you to be strong and move on when someone is venting through rage, often when they’re unsure of what else to advise.

There’s no hurry when working through feelings. Experience each until you don’t anymore but do so constructively. Equally important is having support while you feel these feelings.

Let those around you know the boundaries and what you need during this time. The right people will let you talk, process, and work through your anger after divorce.

3. Self-reliance is for the birds

You’re not alone or shouldn’t be.

With all the pent-up anger you’re feeling, it’s essential to have at least one friend or family member with whom you can vent your frustration and express your anger after divorce, especially if there was wrongdoing on your ex’s part.

You might not have seen the warning signs and feel personal fault in not seeing these signs so you could react sooner. Being self-reliant, holding your chin up, and moving forward with grace is overrated.

Often it leads to bitterness, with many people developing a hard heart and repercussions that carry over into future relationships. It’s essential to healing fully. To do that, feelings need to be felt, and friends are necessary to help us do that.

4. Don’t forget about self-nurturing due to mood

Whether you’re engaging in battles with your ex or stewing over the circumstances, you need to ensure that you’re taking care of yourself.

Self-care nourishes the body, mind, and soul, encouraging moving through varied emotions, including anger. If you feel good about yourself, you’ll begin to feel healthy and ultimately develop happiness again.

5. Feel the anger

Yes, there is anger after divorce. It’s normal. But in some situations, this emotion is covering other feelings, perhaps there is hurt or possibly you’re feeling sadness over the loss of the relationship.

For males going through a divorce, there’s a preconceived social expectation for anger to be the anticipated form of emotion predominant and replacing any other stages of loss.

That seems an unfair assumption. Still, it’s vital to engage the anger to get to those genuine emotions hiding beneath anger’s surface. There is an extraordinary sense of energy elicited from this emotion.

You can benefit from any physical fitness or scream some of that emotion into the comfort of a pillow. You’d be surprised at the release you receive from these activities.

You can then find a friend with whom you can vent freely your true emotions of perhaps sadness, grief, or possibly pain.

6. Recognize what triggers you

When feeling episodes of anger, typically, there will be specific triggers that bring it on. It could be when you see your ex or, perhaps, when your wedding anniversary approaches.

If you recognize what sets you off, it will be far easier to deal with the situation when it arises. You can then attempt to plan for the trigger by developing a solution to diffuse the reaction.

7. There’s no convenient time or time limit

Don’t expect your anger after divorce to be set to a specific deadline. Nor should you anticipate emotional reactions to occur in the quiet of your personal space.

You can expect to have an overwhelming outburst at an inopportune moment, whether you’re at work or in the middle of the grocery market.

You can’t let yourself experience the full angry episode at those inconvenient times. Instead, you need to put the feeling on hold until you are in your private space and then allow yourself a specific period to be angry without wallowing too long.

Ending a marriage can make everyone mad, feel it, but don’t overindulge that experience.

Watch this video to understand why some people may hold anger after a separation or divorce.

8. Take to your journal

You don’t have to fight out your anger after divorce with your ex or even rant with friends or family if either of these things is unhealthy. Instead, journal.

Writing down everything you’re experiencing will relieve you of the emotions in one of the most constructive ways. The next day read your thoughts from the day before and assess how that compares to your current situation.

9. Rationalize the situation for yourself

Since journaling allows you to get your feelings out, there might come a time when you can rationalize the ending to the marriage without the need to blame anyone.

That will be a turning point to where the healing process can begin.

You’ll start to feel less angry and accept that the divorce was probably the best thing for both of you and realize there were more in-depth reasons than were brought forward on the surface, and you might carry some of the weight.

10. Allow healing and receive the lesson

Each event occurring in life offers a valuable lesson. Whether or not it turns out to be positive will venture to be seen.

The crucial thing is that you heal and recognize what you gained from that moment so that you can become the better version of who you’re supposed to be afterward.

11. Forgiveness is possible

Anger after divorce ultimately needs to give way to forgiveness. The target is most certainly your ex, but often you carry some anger towards yourself. In most situations, if a mate holds anger towards a partner following a divorce, it’s warranted.

There’s generally wrongdoing of some sort, perhaps an affair. But you put some of the blame on yourself because you didn’t see it and react sooner to the situation.

As time passes, blame and anger need to give way to forgiveness. That would be for your ultimate happiness and growth and also so no one has any level of power over you.

12. Look towards the future

If you look past the anger after divorce, you can begin to make decisions for the future. It might be a challenge, but if you can try to focus some of your energy on planning your next steps, it can help you work through some of the loss.

You had the belief that you found your future and had it all worked out, but now you need to contemplate what potential awaits you alternately.

13. Avoid jumping into a dating cycle

Working through the anger after divorce isn’t the only stage; there are a few. It’s vital to ensure you fully heal and become healthy before you even attempt a dating life. It wouldn’t be fair to you, but especially to the other people you’re meeting.

The person you present to the world should be the best version, healthy and comfortable as a newly single person interested in a relationship but not desperate for one. You might find even at that point; it’s not the right time quite yet. Give yourself as long as you need.

14. Assistance is always an option

If you’re not making your way through anger after divorce like you feel you should, and it’s been a significant period since the finalization, it’s wise to consider additional support outside of friends and family.

There’s no shame in reaching out to a therapist or a counselor when you’re struggling while working through the emotional stages, even with a supportive inner circle.

It’s kudos to you that you’re strong enough to admit it’s tough. Genuinely it’s among the most significant challenges anyone will go through, with plenty of people requiring therapeutic input to guide them through it healthily.

15. Find your meaning and move forward

While in the rapture of anger after divorce, you will have asked yourself a million questions like why and whose fault creating more intense feelings of anger and frustration since the unknown left you feeling helpless and without control.

When you reach a certain point, you’ll find the answers within yourself from a place of both compassion, kindness, and authenticity. There will no longer be a need to point fingers, blame nor will you be letting anyone off the hook.

This is the time for you to find the meaning behind what you feel so that you can heal that part and move forward.

What are some healthy ways of dealing with divorce anger from an ex?

Anger after divorce is a challenging but common experience for one or both spouses. When one person receives the brunt of the blame, it can prove challenging to handle the emotion being directed at you, whether it’s warranted or not.

While everyone knows feeling emotions leads to healing, the ex-spouse on the receiving end needs to find a healthy way to help the process along.

Some methods to try:

1. It’s okay to go ahead with your life

While it might be challenging for your spouse, there’s nothing wrong with you moving forward if you’re in a healthy place to do so.

Surround yourself with supportive people who uplift you and engage in optimum self-care to help you recover most healthily.

2. Find new places to frequent

You might have regular places you enjoy, but if these were establishments you went to as a couple, explore new options.

You don’t want to instigate a scene by running into your ex instead of avoiding the possibility.

3. Avoid becoming defensive

An angry person can sometimes inflate the truth into a tumultuous tale fraught with blame and defamation. That’s merely pain and hurt coming out as anger.

While you might want to defend yourself against the accusations, it’s wise merely to remain silent to prevent a back-and-forth from developing.

4. Fight the urge to participate

At some point, you will likely become angry when patience grows thin, and you may want to lash out in retaliation. Avoid that temptation.

This is someone that you carried a great deal of love and respect for and they for you. Doing battle is a great disservice to both of you.

5. Stand confident with your boundaries

It’s critical to maintain boundaries with the other person in an assertive, confident way so that there’s no confusion with your ex.

Appearing passive-aggressive or presenting as a “pleaser” can result in the person only becoming angrier as it looks like gameplay.

6. Attempt to decipher the meaning

Whether it be text, email, or snail mail, read the messages received from your ex regardless if they are less than pleasant to try to derive the underlying point.

If there is a desire to reconcile, you must be firm in your stance to avoid misunderstandings about your position.

7. Don’t take the bait

If an ex is not moving on with their life and experiencing anger after divorce, there might be attempts to stay in contact, so they feel still connected in some way. They might send a message with an open-ended question or some other method of piquing your curiosity.

You then feel the need to reach out; don’t take the bait. There should be no reason for contact unless you have children together already, which is a different conversation.

8. Close friends and family are critical

Confide in close friends and family about what you’re enduring. Make sure these are friends that you had solely, not mutual friends with your ex. You want to be able to talk freely with people who genuinely care about you.

9. Try to be as patient as possible

It will be difficult, but you should attempt to be patient with your ex. While some people can spend a great deal of time going through the stages of loss, compassion and understanding can often be beneficial in helping with the process.

If your ex finds empathy in exchange for their anger, it could help diffuse the feelings, ultimately getting rid of anger and resentment.

10. Talk with a counselor

Often speaking with a professional therapist can help where friends and family might be unable to do so. Those closest can’t merely separate enough to listen without providing passionate advice. A counselor can guide practically.

Final thoughts

Divorce is not easy for anyone; the partner caught possibly unaware or the mate asking out of the marriage. Each person will experience the loss in their way.

Generally, a divorce request is a long time in the making. That means the spouse leaving dealt with the end of the marriage while still being coupled, and likely they’re ready to move on.

But it’s fresh, raw, and painful for the other partner. Seeing an ex moving forward readily not only angers them, but that anger stays with them during the proceedings and often beyond.

Anger after divorce is a genuine, authentic emotion that people need to experience (constructively) and heal from to move on healthily. And ex’s should present a face of empathy for the person they once loved as a last show of respect.

How to Let Go of Anger After Divorce

You know that feeling — the one where your heartbeat quickens and your head starts to pound. Your throat starts to close and it takes all the strength you have to keep from screaming at something that your ex said or did.

Anger. Being ticked off. Feeling rage.

While anger is a natural emotion, learning how to manage it as you navigate divorce is crucial to moving on and taking your life back. Although it takes time, the following advice will get you started on the road to recovery.

Anger is a thief. Don’t let it rob you of your chance to move on and be the person you have always wanted to be.

You work hard to maintain the things you love. You keep your house nice and cozy, and you probably have homeowner’s insurance. Your beloved heirlooms and mementos are probably tucked away with the greatest of love and care.

You wouldn’t leave your door unlocked and invite a thief in to destroy those things in your home that you love, would you?

Heck no!

So, why on earth are you leaving the door to your life and the door to your happiness, inviting anger in on a daily basis? Just as a thief will break into your home, wreck it, and take away everything that is dear to you, so will anger.

It’s time to lock the door. It is time to protect one of the most precious things that anger will rob you of: your happiness and chance to heal.

Anger = your reaction to other people’s silliness trying to control you. Why let it?

When you are angry at something, the body lets you know. Your blood pressure, breathing, and heart rate increase because your adrenal glands are being set into “fight or flight” mode.

This physiological reaction may have served cavemen and cavewomen when it was time to fight off whatever prehistoric beast threatened their survival, but the same anger that disrupts your calm and will only keep you from moving on.

The fact that your ex didn’t treat you right, the fact that the marriage is ending or has ended, and the fact that the ex and their lawyers may still be doing stupid shit is just that. They are only facts, but they are not indicators of how you must react.

How you choose to react to the problem — in this case how you choose to react to the facts (the events that are making you angry), is what makes the difference between navigating this process with less drama and stress for yourself, or letting all the madness drag you down and leave you exhausted.

You’re better than getting pissed off at something that you cannot control in the first place. It’s time to focus on the things you actually can control.

If it does not serve you, then let it go.

Some years ago, I was sweating my tail off in a hot yoga class, frustrated that I could not get into a back bend, I heard the yoga teacher say, “If it does not serve you, then let it go.”

Although the yoga teacher probably meant it for the students to be kind and patient with themselves, those words stuck.

It wasn’t about being upset about not being flexible enough during that moment in time.

It was about not letting the fact we were inflexible cloud our ability to just be and move on.

It was about understanding that if a negative emotion was not going to improve our lives, then we needed to show it the door. There is no place for anger holding us hostage.

Beating the Anger Exercise The next time you start to get angry about the divorce drama, do the following.

Close your eyes and take 3 deep breaths.
Remember that whatever BS is coming your way does not have the power to make you made.
Remember that if the anger is not contributing to your well-being, then breathe that negativity out.
Inhale in the fresh air and focus on the beautiful life and calm that will be your guide.
Carry on, because you have way too many awesome things going on to waste your precious emotional energy on anything toxic.

Learning to let go of anger after divorce can be a long process. But with patience and being kind to yourself and mindful, you will navigate it and take your life back in no time.

How to survive a divorce? Psychologist's advice

During the coronavirus pandemic, amid general instability and the need to spend a lot of time together, a couple may decide to divorce. We figure out how to help ourselves in this case.

Svetlana Makhova, family psychotherapist, specialist
service for the selection of psychologists Alter

Divorce is inevitably associated with difficult experiences - it is always pain, disappointment, collapse of hopes, loss of a sense of stability and security, both for the one who initiated it and for the one who will have to go through this path not on their own will. There is no way to completely avoid heavy emotions. In any case, it will take enough time for the wounds of mutual grievances to heal.

What you need to understand about divorce, first of all

The husband and wife have been married for some time - a year, five years, ten, twenty. Over the years of living together, each invested strength, material wealth, and time in marriage. Husband and wife develop their own traditions and common habits appear: have breakfast together, go to the dacha on weekends in the summer or go on vacation to the sea, celebrate the New Year with their parents, meet mutual friends, and so on.

Habits create in our life a sense of stability, predictability, serve as a support for us, fill us with confidence in the future. What has become habitual gives us the opportunity to plan our lives - to look a little into the future. Standing on the threshold of life together, people made a promise to be together in sorrow and in joy, until death do them part. At that moment it seemed that it was forever and nothing else. None of them thought that one day the bonds of marriage would be broken and they would meet with the collapse of their hopes, expectations placed on each other, plans for life.

The news of a divorce is almost always unexpected. Even if the relationship of the spouses has long passed into the category of "once upon a time there were two neighbors." Even if one of them knew about the betrayals of the other, but was silent in the hope that everything would work out. Even if the spouses often swore, slammed the doors and promised to get a divorce, and after a couple of days they reconciled again or pretended that nothing had happened.

Divorce is a loss. The loss of not only a significant person in life, but also much of what has become familiar, and in some ways - expensive and even irreplaceable. One fine day, everything that created internal stability and nourished hope for tomorrow turned out to be inaccessible. That very expected tomorrow has ceased to exist, as if the future has been taken away from you. "How will I continue to live?" - such a question is more often faced by a partner who has been confronted with the fact of a divorce. The spouse who initiated the breakup comes to this question a little earlier. But the collapse of the future overtakes both.

A still from the movie Wild Life

Divorce is a trauma. For some, it turns into a loss of the ability to enter into a new relationship, since trust in marriage as such has been undermined. In the case of a divorce, a person goes through the same psychological stages as with any severe loss: mourning, denial, anger, bargaining or negotiations, depression, acceptance or adaptation - and both partners go through them: both the initiator and the other side.

The initiator of a divorce, as a rule, goes through the first stage even before talking about it. His spouse enters the first stage at the time of the announcement of the decision to divorce. It is precisely because partners are often at different stages of coping with loss that during the divorce process it can be so difficult for them to understand and hear each other, to agree on anything. This is important to understand and take into account.

There is no difference between how men and women experience loss. There are very emotional men and very reserved women. Both those and others during this period may try to drown out their grief with alcohol, frequent sexual relations, their behavior may be aggressive or seem inadequate.

Stages of Divorce Living

1. Denial

Spouses at this stage often try to pretend that nothing is happening and continue to communicate as before. At this stage, it is important not to avoid your experiences. They help us soberly assess what is happening. If there is a person in your environment whom you trust (friend, parents), talk to him, tell him about what happened. In a supportive environment, give vent to your feelings, tears.

At the stage of denial, questions naturally arise: “How could this happen to me?”, “Can I find a person who loves me?”, “Maybe it still forms? Maybe he/she will come back and change his mind?

A person experiences shock, loses support, does not understand what to do and how to live on. He is tormented by pain and fear of separation, loneliness, uncertainty in any future relationship.

2. Anger

Time passes, nothing changes, the spouse does not leave his intention to divorce. Sadness and despair turn into resentment and bitterness: “For what? What did I do / did not do it right? Why did it happen"? Hatred rises towards the initiator of the break: “You left me!” The question "For what?" comes to everyone - it is important at this stage not to get involved in the search for an answer. No answer. A huge number of factors led to what happened. There is no one to blame for what happened - but there is a contribution of everyone, often unconscious.

3.

Bargaining

At this stage, there is a desire to return the spouse by any means, to restore relations. A wife can fall in love again with her husband who initiated the divorce, suddenly seeing in his behavior a real masculine act and the ability to make decisions. A husband can recall with emotion the hobbies of his wife that irritated him in marriage, and is even ready to support them, if only she would return.

A shot from the film "Revolutionary Road"

The abandoned partner decides to change dramatically, for example, lose weight, stop drinking. During this period, a person is ready to negotiate even with God, even with the devil, turn to psychics, fortune-tellers, astrologers - just to get advice on how to return a spouse. However, before you go to a fortune teller, answer yourself the question - did you feel so good? Why did you decide that upon returning the spouse will become a different person?

“What if I still love him?” - you ask. Think about it, is it possible to force a person to love you by force just because you love him? Rather, this idea comes from the parent-child relationship: "Mom loves you, and you? .." Does it follow from the fact that if someone loves you, you must love him a priori? The world is unfair, and it is very painful to realize that your beloved or beloved does not have mutual feelings for you. But the fact remains that we cannot keep a person around against their will.

4. Depression

When it comes to understanding that everything is in vain, deep disappointment sets in. A feeling of loss covers, sadness appears, a breakdown is felt. At this stage, a person mourns the loss of everything that was dear, that which was hoped for and that did not happen.

Depression is the absence of an impulse to act: if something is not available to me, I don’t want anything! Yes, something is not available, as before, but this does not mean that it is impossible in a new way. Make a list of things you feel sad about, things that weren't available with the divorce, or things that didn't materialize in the old relationship. And look at this list from the other side - now these are your desires and values, based on which you can continue to build your life, start other relationships. Highlighting the important and valuable helps to set new goals.

5. Acceptance

As if waking up from a dream, a person begins to see and share the facts. At this stage, there comes an awareness of one's own contribution to what happened, and the value of all the good things that were experienced and received in marriage, as well as an understanding of needs and opportunities. The desire to live and move on comes, new meanings and goals appear.

The task that stands in this difficult period is to go through all the stages without dwelling on any of them for a long time. On average, this can last from one to three years, or even longer. Be attentive and careful to yourself, ask yourself: “Where am I now? At what stage? How long have I been there?"

If you find yourself unable to get out of difficult experiences on your own, seek the help of a psychotherapist.

How to survive a divorce if you have children or your wife is pregnant?

When a couple has children, both husband and wife can initiate a divorce. If the reasons for the dissolution of a marriage on the part of a woman were the partner’s infidelity, financial instability or lack of income for the spouse, his addictive behavior, domestic violence, and even if the decision was made by the mother out of fear for life and health (her own and children), then she suffers no less than if her husband left her.

In such situations, a woman still feels abandoned, with all the hardships of everyday, financial, parental problems, and the decision to divorce is very difficult. There is always hope that the husband will change - find a job, stop drinking, beat and humiliate, return to the family. One of the typical experiences that a woman may experience during this period is often associated with the belief that no one needs her with children - who will marry her with a child?

Still from the film "Fragments of a Woman"

If a woman is pregnant, what will she live on when the baby is born and she will not be able to work? Or if a woman did not work before the divorce, she took care of the house and children - what will she and the children live on? After all, it takes time to find a job. Sometimes, after a few years of caring for children, a woman loses her skills in her profession. The situation can be aggravated by the behavior of relatives: “If you get married, let your husband feed you!” What to do in such a situation?

Don't be led by those who think they have to do everything themselves. There is no point in being ashamed or blaming yourself for what happened (“Where did I look when I got married?”, “I gave birth myself - and carry this cross myself”). It is these beliefs that bring the most fear and anxiety. Even if after the breakup of the family, the children remain with their mother, she bears responsibility for their life on a par with her ex-husband, their father.

It is important to keep this in mind and in the process of divorce, start negotiating the conditions for the maintenance of children, and if there are grounds and need for that, also for their mother. Seek help from a mediator, lawyers, psychologists - remember that there are always people who are ready to support you in this difficult period. As part of social projects, there are centers for psychological assistance, as well as various services that provide shelter for women with children who have been subjected to violence and are left homeless, helping a woman get a profession, find a job, and arrange children in a kindergarten or school.

Unfortunately, it happens that one parent sets the children against the other, does not allow the former spouse to meet with the child in order to take revenge, hurt or gain their own benefit, cope with their own grief. It is worth clearly separating your own needs and desires from the desires and needs of children, so as not to use them as a weapon of revenge or obtaining any benefits that are not legally related to children.

Remember that after a divorce, spouses cease to be husband and wife, but for children they remain mom and dad - divorce does not annul this fact in any way. Children love each parent and need both of them. This will help minimize the negative impact of divorce on the psyche of the child.

Infidelity and divorce

The reason for the divorce is that the spouses cannot get along with each other. A lot of conflicts, quarrels and disagreements alienated them from each other. Cheating, as a rule, is a consequence of the fact that the spouses cannot satisfy all their needs in marriage and decide to compensate for them on the side. At the same time, betrayal can become a strong argument and provoke a decision to divorce.

One of the most painful experiences during betrayal is the feeling of being abandoned, abandoned and, as a result, flawed. Another is the experience of betrayal. The intolerance of a false sense of inferiority can provoke an unreasonable desire to return a spouse.

A shot from the movie "The Squid and the Whale"

The experience of betrayal prompts the decision to divorce. To divorce or not to divorce in case of infidelity? What if the husband or wife left for another partner? This question can be answered only by understanding the reasons that led to the betrayal, and in their own feelings for each other. It is impossible to embrace all the experiences that arise in the spouses in the process of divorce.

It is important to know that whatever feelings arise, they all take place, and it is also important to give yourself the opportunity to experience them so as not to linger in them. In order to move into the future, it is important to let go of the past.

What books will help you get over a divorce

K. Whitaker. "Family in Crisis"

If a person has psychological difficulties, it is worth, first of all, turning to his family history - it is likely that it is there that both the root of the problem and its solution will be found, Carl Whitaker, an American psychiatrist of the middle XX century. Using the example of working with one family, the author introduces us to the basics of the method of therapy developed by him and analyzes the psychological mechanisms of interaction between relatives. This book, written by one of the founders of family therapy, has been a bestseller for more than a quarter of a century.

A. Kurpatov. “7 real stories. How to survive a divorce»

Using the real stories of seven women as an example, a well-known psychotherapist tells what happens to the psyche during a divorce and how you can help yourself overcome this test quickly and with possible benefit for yourself.

S. K. Nartova-Bochaver, M. I. Nesmeyanova, N. V. Malyarova, and E. A. Mukhortova. “A Child on the Divorce Carousel”

The authors, a psychologist, sociologist, philosopher and psychotherapist, have created a kind of guide to situations that arise in a family after a divorce, and paid special attention to communication between parents and a child. The book includes non-fiction material, real stories and practical advice to help you make decisions that are right for your family.

M. Travkova. "Infidelity. Why do loved ones cheat, is it worth forgiving, is it possible to avoid?

Why do people decide to cheat, while realizing that this can hurt another and destroy a marriage? From the book it becomes clear the role of both partners in the occurrence of such situations. The author also gives an answer to the question of what to do if you are faced with this fact.

Divorce or not? Dealing with a psychologist

Tags: psychology , relationships

How to survive a divorce and recover from it

April 15, 2022

15.04

8 minutes

33431

If you are reading this page, then the topic of divorce is one way or another close to you. We will not understand the reasons that led to the collapse of your union, there can be many of them, ranging from the most banal "did not agree in character" and ending with co-dependent relationships with scandals, assault and aggression. In this article, we will give you some tips on how to recover from a divorce and what you can do to live happily ever after after a divorce.

Article content

Consequences of divorce. How long does it take to recover
How to deal with divorce. Advice for men and women
How to build a good relationship between a child and an ex-husband
FAQ
Expert opinion

Consequences of divorce.

How long does it take to recover

Divorce is always stressful. It is generally accepted that it is the woman who is the worst. What exactly the weak half of humanity does not know how to behave after a divorce. But it is not so. According to the observations of psychologists, it is also hard for men to live after a divorce from their wife. At the same time, it doesn’t matter if the couple has children and with whom they stayed - both ex-spouses suffer. Not only parents, but also children will have to start a new life. Another thing is that only a mature person with a stable psyche and a fairly high self-esteem can quickly recover after parting.

Most often, prolonged depression (from six months to several years) can “cover” after the departure of a husband or wife of a person who:

He lived in a co-dependent relationship, and was the victim of a tyrant, was subjected to abuse or violent acts.
Has low self-esteem and undeveloped complexes. A notorious person will take the blame for what happened, say that it is his fault, that the loved one left him, will self-flagellate and will think that nothing else can be changed.
Has certain character traits. For example, highly emotional people, or those who are prone to panic attacks, as well as those who are highly dependent on the opinions of others will be more likely to "earn" a mental and psychological disorder.

Here are some clear signs of depression so that you can detect it in the early stages and seek help from psychologists in time:

No. p / p	Signs of depression
one.	Frequent mood swings. Apathy “covers”, suicidal thoughts appear. And most often it happens alone, late in the evening or early in the morning.
2.	Self-doubt grows, you give up. You think that the world has "collapsed" and you will not be able to survive after the departure of your husband/wife.
3.	You are tormented by insomnia or, on the contrary, you are constantly falling asleep. You feel constantly sleepy and tired.
four.	You've lost your appetite, or you're stress-eating. Any uncontrolled eating is a risk of eating disorders (bulimia, overeating, anorexia, etc.).
5.	You delve into yourself for a long time, blame yourself for the divorce and for what is happening, feel shame and fear.

Severe stress, such as divorce from a wife or husband, is a social factor in the development of depression.

Important! To survive the departure of a wife or husband and not experience a range of different feelings - from freedom to resentment, will not work. This is a normal mental reaction. The main thing is to accept these feelings and deal with them.

How to deal with divorce. Advice for men and women

How quickly you can get through a divorce and deal with your emotions is influenced by many factors: your environment, your character, the relationship between you while you were spouses, the reasons for the divorce, etc.

Divorce is always a shake-up for our nerves, it is stress from the fact that now we have to start living anew, change our usual way of life. Parting is fear of the unknown and doubt.

Here are some tips on how to learn to live after a divorce and maintain a harmonious relationship. They are suitable for any person who wants to more easily survive the separation from his wife or husband.

Give yourself time to recover. It is possible and even necessary to grieve after parting. But you need to do it right. From the point of view of psychology, in order to recover easier and faster, you need to set yourself a period during which you will experience a gap. For example, take 1 week and during this time do whatever you want - cry, swear, shout, express all the negativity that you have accumulated. Do you want to close yourself from everyone and disappear from the world? Lie on the bed and do nothing? Could be so. Do what you want, don't care about others. The period that you designate for yourself is only your time for mourning and grief. As soon as this time is over, start recovery. Do not postpone this period for another day, two, etc. Be honest with yourself - the designated time has expired - move on with strength.
Give vent to your emotions. Do not accumulate resentment and anger in yourself. You must live through all the negative emotions after a divorce. But first acknowledge them. Don't pretend that the divorce didn't hurt your feelings. Everything that has accumulated needs to be expressed - if you have the opportunity, tell a friend or loved one about your feelings. If there is no one to tell - beat the dishes, scream in the forest, cry sobbing - any manifestation of emotions will benefit. If you can’t express feelings through actions, start a diary and write down your feelings, experiences and emotions in it. Write everything in a row, everything that comes to mind is not a school essay, do not look for meaning and logic in your notes.

Quietly letting go of someone you love is really not easy. Remember that divorce is not the end of the world. Give yourself time and do not criticize for any display of emotion.

Take care of yourself. Think about your wants and needs. Surely there is a favorite thing that you were fond of before you started living together, and over time, life and family life pushed the hobby into the background. If there was no such hobby, find yourself a new occupation. Make a wish list and start filling your life with positive emotions.
Meet friends and family more often. Don't lock yourself up in loneliness. Social contact is important for a speedy recovery. If you are afraid of talking about divorces, just warn you that you don’t want to discuss it - adults will adequately respond to your request and not “pour salt in the wound”, and there will always be topics for interesting and sincere conversations.
Feel free to ask for help. If you understand that it is difficult for you to cope on your own, seek the help of a psychologist. Starting a new life will be easier if you get professional help.

The support of close people and true friends will help to overcome emotional distress after a divorce. Start new habits and traditions - they will be a support for shattered nerves.

Start planning your next life. After the habitual way of life has changed, you need to build new clear actions. First write down household issues - make shopping lists, adjust the child's schedule, etc. Then plan your leisure and rest - even if it's far from vacation, you can go on a mini trip for the weekend.
Do not rush to start a new relationship. Forget about the fact that you, at all costs, need to create a couple with someone. You should not run on dates and register on dating sites until you "cool down". Give yourself time to calm down and enjoy new opportunities in solitude. Contrary to the public opinion that "a wedge is kicked out with a wedge," this is not how it works.

Sign up for an online consultation with a psychologist if you find it difficult to survive a divorce from your husband, you feel growing anxiety, restlessness and apathy. Our psychologists at any time of the day will advise you on any issues, help you get out of a state of depression and restore psychological health.

How to establish a good relationship between a child and an ex-husband

Heavy emotional experiences after a divorce affect not only former spouses, but also children. If adults at the very least can cope with their feelings on their own, then the fragile children's psyche is incapable of this. Children need the help of adults, and both parents, so that in adulthood the child does not “get into” a dependent relationship.

Do not remove joint photos or individual portraits of the father / mother. The first thing you naturally want to do after a divorce is to “erase” all your memories, and joint photos are the first thing you want to throw away. Don't do it. Don't cut the other parent out of your child's life. If there were no photographs at all, then, on the contrary, they need to be added and put in a prominent place.
Talk to your son or daughter often and emphasize the qualities of the child that were in his father or mother. We understand that in the heat of anger, we want to criticize the ex-spouse and compare the child with the “bad” father. Your "bad ex" and the father of the child are different concepts. Boys associate their father with themselves, and if you tell a child that his father is a scoundrel, then the child will think of himself the same way. For girls, a good relationship with their father lays the foundation for their own relationship in the future. Talk to your child about the good qualities he has inherited from his father or mother.

You should not make a “vest” out of a child and discuss with him all the details of your personal life and divorce. Do not "infect" him with negative emotions.

Explain to your child that he will not be able to "reconcile" you, and your divorce is your adult conscious decision. Often children become seriously ill after their parents divorce - the reason is psychosomatics and attempts to return dad or mom, as well as "glue a broken cup together." A child always has two parents, regardless of whether you are together as a man and a woman or not.
If your child is involved in circles and sections, cancel all classes for a while. The first few months after your divorce should not be an additional burden on the psyche. Let your child adjust to the new life. His usual routine was also broken. You can leave only those classes that the child went to with pleasure, and then if he now asks to go to them. Don't push or insist. Additional stress can lead to psychosomatic illnesses such as enuresis, nervous tics, nail biting, etc.
Initiate meetings between the child and the other parent. Let him still pick up from school, take him to rest, classes, etc. As far as possible, maintain a familiar and understandable daily routine. Constantly repeat to the child that he has a dad who loves him very much.
Do not forbid the child to express his emotions after the divorce of his parents. Angry, sad - let it be, the main thing is that you are there and support. Never judge a child for crying. Learn first yourself, and then teach your child to express their experiences and emotions. If the child's anger turns into uncontrollable aggression, do not wait for it to pass by itself - first of all, contact a child psychologist.

FAQ

How to divorce painlessly?

Each person experiences divorce in their own way. But anyway, it's stressful. You can help yourself with the actions that we talked about in this article. If it does not help, then you need to contact a psychologist.

Is it possible to get a divorce and bounce back a month after a divorce?

The period of residence of negative emotions, including divorce, is a subjective indicator that depends on many factors. Some former partners recover quickly, some take a long time. Do not focus on others, listen to your feelings.

How to come to terms with a divorce and start living alone?

Treat this event as a new opportunity. Yes, you will have to rebuild your life. Yes, now you are controlled by fear, anger, you are upset and have no idea how to get up. It will pass, but it takes time.

Expert opinion

Divorce is always a stressful event in the life of any person, so it is perfectly normal to experience pain, fear, disorientation and any other emotions during this period. Do not ban and hide them. On the contrary, it is better to learn how to live such experiences in a safe way. This will help sports, hobbies, self-care and support of loved ones.

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Article author

Monakhova Albina Petrovna clinical psychologist

Experience 17 years

Consultations 1439

Articles 234

Specialist in clinical psychology. Help in finding tools for self-realization, working out beliefs, fears and anxieties. Work with self-attitude, internal boundaries, understanding of interaction with society through conscious personal changes.

2007 - 2008 MUS Children's polyclinic No. 4 - teacher psychologist
2008 - 2009Healthy Country LLC - Clinical Psychologist
2009 - 2021 Republican Narcological Dispensary - psychologist
2012 - 2013 Occupational medicine - psychologist
2013 - 2015 LLC Vozrozhdenie - psychologist
2019 to present Teledoctor24 LLC - psychologist

Sources

... Andrey Kurpatov “7 real stories. How to survive a divorce?
... Robin Norwood "Women Who Love Too Much"
. .. Drapkin B.Z. "Maternal Love Therapy"

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