Fighting parental alienation

Published January 20, 2022

"Otherwise well adapted." This is how some professionals explain their inaction, instead of helping severely estranged children who reject relationships with good parents.

If a child does well in school, enjoys extracurricular activities, and behaves well in a parent's home, it is argued that the court's efforts to help the child overcome unreasonable disgust for the other parent are unreasonable and potentially coercive (child abuse). ).

The fallacy of this argument becomes apparent when we apply it to a child who has been physically or sexually abused. And this is exactly the point that Judge Christina Carle expressed during a summer 2021 panel discussion published in the American Bar Association's leading litigation journal, Litigation. (See my Facebook post on July 31, 2021.)

Former Attorney and Head of the Monroe County, New York Bureau of Domestic Violence and Child Abuse, District Attorney's Office and the first woman to serve as an Ontario District Judge, Judge Carle remarked, "I have there were countless cases in which the child was regularly abused, but at the same time did well in school, somehow coped. Such children could control their grades; but they could not control the abuse. . . . We must be very careful to simply dismiss concerns about high achievers, thinking that if they do well in school, then there can be no abuse towards them. We have to dig deeper. "

In other words, a child who appears to be well-adjusted or adapted in some environment may be suffering abuse in less obvious ways. If we ignore this child's suffering, we fail to protect the child from further harm and put him at risk for future problems.

Unreasonably alienated children do not recognize the harm in devaluation, denigration and renunciation of a parent. In most cases, they find that the other parent approves—perhaps even is satisfied—of their mistreatment of the alienated parent. If children realize that their negative attitude has been influenced by a parent who shares that attitude, they do not acknowledge it.

Well-meaning professionals who dedicate their careers to raising awareness and understanding of the plight of victims of domestic violence can exacerbate the problem. They may be too quick to assume that a parent who wants to cut the other parent out of a child's life is simply seeking to protect the child from abuse . (Of course, it is very important not to err in the opposite direction and not take into account the concerns of the parents without a full examination.) reflects what is best for the child and should be approved. Ideological prejudices mean that such professionals do not achieve what we should expect from a forensic expert, which is to study the issue from all reasonable points of view . According to Judge Karle, you need to dig deeper.

The argument for letting children decide custody

Why do professionals who need to know the issue better want the child's preferences to dictate custody decisions? Part of their argument is that the severely alienated children thwarted previous attempts to help them. These children may be adamant about getting what they want, claim they will be miserable if they have to spend time with a rejected parent, and threaten to take action if they don't get their way. In other words, even if the court believes that it is better for the child to re-establish a relationship with the rejected parent, the court is powerless in the face of the child's violent demands .

The other part of the argument is that not only is it wrong to force a child to spend time with a parent whom the child claims to hate or fear, but it will also potentially traumatize the child. Critics condemn efforts to help the child regain positive thoughts and feelings about the parent and overcome unbalanced and distorted negative beliefs and memories as "causing children to adopt a different view of the parent".

Reiterate the argument for a “hands off” position that allows children to avoid good parents: children have the power to discourage attempts to reconnect with their parent because it is fraught with injury to children. The final stage of this position is the "otherwise well-adjusted" argument: even when we acknowledge that it is unfortunate for a child to reject a good parent if the child is doing well in other respects - school, friends, etc. - a global upheaval in the child's life is not worth trying to fix the alienation. The cure is worse than the disease itself.

How can an estranged child NOT be well adjusted?

Leaving aside the bizarre notion that a child who has an irrational aversion to a loving parent can be considered well-adjusted, and that the loss of a parent and other relatives is not in itself a sufficient reason for intervention, we could do we alleviate a child's aversion to the doctor, dentist, or school? What else is this child POORLY adapted to? Let me list these problems..

The child harbors a set of distorted thoughts and memories about the parent that do not correspond to reality.

Child acts in an authorized way to abuse a parent that is generally considered unacceptable and constitutes a serious behavioral problem.

A child who threatens to violate court-ordered custody is showing disrespect for the law and the authority of the court. How can you call a child who refuses to cooperate with the intentions of the court well brought up and adapted to life? If a child were to refuse to attend school, would we not see this refusal as a problem that needs to be understood and addressed? Or would we say that since the child wants to avoid school so badly, the best thing we can do is to capitulate to the child's demands?

The psychological processes that accompany irrational parental rejection and abuse can affect other relationships. These processes include categorizing people as allies or enemies, contempt for those who see things differently, and inflated self-esteem in personal relationships.

The child learns to deal with interpersonal conflicts through avoidance. Since some conflicts are common in most relationships, this child may be at risk of early termination of the relationship rather than improving conflict management and relationship maintenance skills. Thus, when conflict arises with friends, an estranged child who has been empowered to reject a parent tends to do the same with a friend: avoid conflict by ending the friendship, rather than strengthening conflict management skills.

A child who has abused or threatened violence against a parent and as a result no longer has to spend time with that parent tends to conclude that violence is an effective means to achieve goals. This is not the lesson we want to teach children.

Many children, who at first glance appear to be calm in abandoning their parent, grow up with large doses of shame, guilt, anger and remorse.

Unlike children who experience the death of a parent, estranged children cannot cope with their grief over the loss of a parent because at the time they thought they had lost nothing of value. It is only when they belatedly realize the magnitude of what they have lost and how they were forced to participate in that loss that they face their grief and begin to work on it. By this time it may be too late.

Dig deeper to help the alienated children

As I concluded in the article “ 10 delusions about the alienation of parents from judges and therapists ” , published in the journal of the American Psychological Association: “We should not allow good academic academic child's assessments, friends and social activities divert attention from serious problems in character development and interpersonal relationships; from psychological disorders in the cognitive, emotional and behavioral areas; from unnecessary but significant losses; and from the long-term consequences of growing up with such losses and with unresolved and unnecessary conflict with a loving parent. ”

What advice can I give to professionals who are willing to let a child permanently ruin the relationship with a loving parent and that parent's relatives because the child is "otherwise well adjusted"? Professionals who believe that we should allow a child to make this important life decision, harmful now and for a long time to come - extending even into the next generation, when the child's own offspring will have one less pair of grandparents to adore them? Professionals who believe that we should meet the child's demand to avoid the parent, rather than risk traumatizing the otherwise well-adjusted child"? DIG DEEPER.

The tragic heritage of parental alienation: shame, wine and repentance

FOR KAROLOLOL CHREOLOLAR 9000 9000 9000 9000. a letter from a woman previously estranged from her mother who says, “I am so ashamed. I don't even know how to apologize to my mom, who always told me that she still loves me despite all the abuse I've done to her. I blame myself now, wondering why I chose to believe my father when there were so many signs that said I was wrong."

The confession of this adult daughter covers so much of what is important to understand about parental alienation. Alienating a child from a parent is not a single act for the victim. It creates long-term harm to the child. Shame. Guilt. Repentance. More and more embarrassing. And that's just the suffering of a child. How scornful is it to disown a mother who has been worried in her heart all these years about the loss of her daughter? How unfortunate that no one came to help this girl when she needed her so much. Nobody helped her resist her father's manipulations.

She may have been talking to AD Litem's psychotherapist and caregiver, who dismissed the problem as a temporary aberration resulting from a parental conflict destined to be short-lived. Perhaps they did not believe that a father could have such influence over his daughter's relationship with her mother. Thus, they relieved the father of responsibility for the problem and instead attributed it to several factors without ascertaining the root cause. Or worse, they didn't believe children could be manipulated into giving up a parent who didn't deserve it. Thus, they blamed the victim herself, oblivious or avoiding noticing that she had done nothing to justify her child's hatred of her, and that her vindictive and child-controlling ex-husband planned the lawsuit. To defend his position, AD Litem's psychotherapist and guardian may have cited publications in the field of social work jurisprudence in court that argued that children cannot be the victim of psychological manipulation to turn them against a loving parent. Yes, they acknowledge that some parents speak badly of the other parent, but we don't know enough about the power of such parents. Skeptics argue that the conclusion that alienating behavior can cause children to team up with one parent against the other is incorrect.

If parents can't influence their children, I think we need to eliminate the entire department of psychology that studies child rearing and the influence of parents on children, their personalities and mental status. Let's also exclude books dealing with parenting advice. What does it take to maintain the illusion that children cannot be manipulated by one parent into turning them against another good parent? Blinders. Skeptical professors review a small segment of the relevant science while overlooking the vast areas of research in the psychology of influence and persuasion; selective attention; the impact of domestic violence and coercion, psychological child abuse and compulsive parenting; cult practices; and other areas of social science.

This is especially true when the parent's negative behavior is mild and casual rather than a relentless intervention campaign. Although parental alienation is ignored by skeptics and avoids identifying the culprit, the public has no problem recognizing the potential for parental manipulation.

Carolyn Hux was replying to the woman who wrote the letter. "It sounds like you were the victim of heavy manipulation." Rather than absolve the alienating father of responsibility for the tragedy he set in motion, Hux put the blame squarely on where it belongs: "The problem comes from the person controlling you." Numerous responses from readers followed, which were even more emphatic. “I can tell you, having been a victim of abuse for many years, the goal of the abuser is to isolate children from the other parent. No doubt your dad manipulated you to isolate you from your mother." The last reader's comment is the most emotional: “I rejoiced thinking about how much joy you brought to your mother by telling her that you finally understood everything and know the truth. You understood what she meant, that she was talking about how she will always love you. But how we wish the same for hundreds of thousands of people like this mother and daughter - that they be spared by the tragedy of lost years.

Articles on the topic

Dr. Richard Varshak. DENIAL AND SKEPTICISM REGARDING PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE AND PARENT ALIENATION

THE CONSEQUENCES OF PARENTAL ALIENATION FOR CHILDREN WHAT IS BRAINWASHING AND PROGRAMMING

DR. RICHARD WARSHAK. THE NEED FOR INTERVENTION WHEN A CHILD HAS PARENTAL ALIENATION

CAITLEEN BENTLEY AND MANDY MATTHEWES. Adults talk about their childhood experience of the parent's alienation

The long -term alienation effect of parents in childhood

Dr. Edward Kruk. IMPACT OF PARENTAL ALIENATION ON CHILDREN

SOS for parents, psychologists, lawyers and psychiatrists //Psychological newspaper

We publish a fragment of the chapter “Alienation Syndrome”. SOS for parents, psychologists, lawyers and psychiatrists” from the book of psychologist Tatyana Gerasimenko “Ecological Divorce. How to protect a child from trauma and get out of the crisis yourself?

...Children who have been subjected to alienation syndrome sincerely hate the second parent, consider him a "fiend", a man without a single dignity. Children amnesize (forget) all the good things that connected them with their parent, they are sure that “nothing good has ever happened”.

Children with alienation syndrome behave violently towards the second parent and do not feel guilty about it. Such children are not interested in hearing the point of view of the victim parent. No logical arguments work on children. Surprisingly, all this can develop against the background of an excellent relationship with the parent until the moment the syndrome appears.

This phenomenon was discovered by a child psychiatrist and forensic expert Richard Gardner , who has worked extensively with family conflicts for several decades. The essence of the phenomenon is that one parent programs the child with hatred for the other parent. As a rule, the initiator of hatred is the custodial parent. Through his actions, the child's love for the other parent is replaced by contempt, hatred, and cruelty. The purpose of the action is to completely destroy the emotional connection of the child with the second parent.

The provocateur parent puts psychological pressure on the child to speak ill of the other parent. Manipulations of any caliber are used: from caresses and gifts to beatings, intimidation, blackmail, objective influence. In this scenario, it is pointless to ask the child: with whom do you want to live? Who do you love? The child is a hostage to the pressure and objective authority of an adult, and in order to psychologically survive, he will say "what is supposed to be."

In essence, the process of alienation is a sophisticated methodical emotional abuse. Introducing the child to the actions of psychological destruction of the second parent, the parent-inducer “binds” the child to himself in the same way as a provocateur puts a knife into the hands of a doubter with a firm: “Finish it!” And the one who finishes off is forced to justify his actions with the alleged justice of the punishment. He simply has no other choice.

In clinical terms, parental alienation syndrome is a variant of pathological adaptation to the conscious (or unconscious) manipulation of the parent-inducer. And when a psychologist is faced with a similar situation, he needs to study the personal characteristics of not only the child himself, but also each parent, which is technically possible only when conducting a comprehensive psychological and psychiatric examination of the participants in the trial.

The alienating parent's personality disorder is rarely visible to the "naked eye", at 99% of cases require clinical and psychological diagnosis. The most severe cases of alienating behavior (eg, child sexual abuse slander) are associated with the manipulative parent's personality disorder or mental illness

A child who lives with a parent provocateur often has neurotic symptoms, anxiety, fears, behavioral problems, depression, somatic symptoms, and marginal psychopathy may develop.

Studies of growing children separated from one of their parents due to alienation have shown that they have forever retained personality traits:

• tendency to depression and depression as such;
• low self-esteem;
• guilt;
• distrust of oneself and others, insecurity;
• problems with partners in adult life.

An analysis by Parent-Child Forensic Analyst Amy Baker found that in adulthood, alienated children themselves were also "cut off" from their own children by their partners. I conclude from this that the pattern of dependency (from the inductor parent) learned in childhood forced these people to form alliances with manipulative partners who have the potential for alienating behavior. As a result, they again became its (syndrome) victim.

As a rule, the parent - the provocateur of the syndrome has a personality disorder, in other words, is a psychopathic personality (using the old terminology). However, as practice shows, before the divorce, he could behave in a completely adaptive and satisfactory manner. This does not quite fit into the usual concept of a "psychopath", whose pattern of behavior should be guessed earlier (conflict, periodic social maladjustment, difficulties in maintaining relationships, affectively conditioned thinking). But there are other traits of the psychopathic personality: using the other parent (and your child) without empathy, without remorse, without regret. Ignoring the developmental needs of their child, the manipulative parent solves his emotional problems (cause maximum harm to the former partner in any way and arrange a comfortable life for himself).

I have already described above that the "injured" parent should try as much as possible to develop independent thinking in the child, ask him questions that appeal to a critical assessment. Whereas the alienating parent seeks to stifle as much as possible the child's ability to think and make decisions independently. He demands excessive attachment to himself, uses emotional blackmail and does everything possible to subdue the will of the child (forms emotional dependence). As a result, the personality of the child is disabled.

This is done in order to obtain psychological and material benefits. It is easy and pleasant for a parent provocateur to feel that he can, at his own discretion, raise a child as he pleases, not be hampered by the need to compromise on the schedule, regimen and, in general, the child's pastime. The parent provocateur gets moral pleasure from trampling the former partner into the mud and from the feeling of his own power.

Such a parent is indifferent to what inflicts trauma on the child, which will affect his entire future life, because he also considers the child not as a person, but as his appendage. He explains his behavior simply: “Yes, there is no injury and there will not be, everything is normal with the child. We (with a child) do not need this negligent father / insignificant mother, let him stay away.

Such an adult sees a child as a way to satisfy his emotional needs. The child becomes a narcissistic extension of the father or mother. A wonderful observation was made by one of the family psychologists: “If a child positions himself “above the parent”, this is because the child “stands on the shoulders” of the other parent. If you, as a specialist, observe such a situation, this is a direct indication for checking for the presence of alienation syndrome.

One type of personality disorder that manipulative parents have is narcissistic personality disorder. It should not be confused with the epithet "narcissus", which is popular in everyday life. In the everyday sense, "a narcissist is a narcissist." Narcissistic personality disorder is a clinically significant pathology characterized by a global pattern of grandiosity of the self, a lack of empathy for others, an increased dependence on external evaluations, and an exploitative style of dealing with people. This is a persistent and profound impairment of perception and understanding of oneself, people and the world, which leads to inadequate and rigid patterns of mental activity, emotional experience and behavior. Pathology manifests itself especially clearly in interpersonal relationships (exploiting style of attitude towards others).

The best way to confront the problem is to understand in a timely manner that systematic actions are being taken to tear the child away. In my practice, as a rule, the parent-victim realizes the problem too late, when they can no longer do it on their own and need to involve lawyers. Then the question arises of the need to write a conclusion of a psychologist and psychological examination. The victim parent himself needs constant support in the fight against monstrous chronic pain so that he does not despair and so that his behavior does not become deeply reactive ("how I am treated - this is how I feel"). The help of a specialist is needed so that a feeling of helplessness and depression does not form. Of course, it is difficult to support in the absence of objective hopes for improvement, but the passivity of behavior only exacerbates the alienation of the child and is for him a confirmation of the thought “my parent left me and cares little about me - I thought about him like that. ”

Psychological assistance centers can become a place for the transfer of a child (by court order) “from hand to hand” from one parent to another. Otherwise, with a strongly pronounced alienation syndrome, the parent-victim will not be able to exercise his right in court to communicate with the child in one schedule or another. In my practice, there was a case when a manipulative father held his daughter on his lap, when the victim mother came to pick up the child in order to spend time with him due to the court. Both the father and the estranged child mocked the mother, called her "stinky" and humiliated her in every possible way. The court's decision to transfer the child in accordance with the approved schedule was never implemented. Therefore, the world experience of judicial practice (except Russia) uses psychological assistance centers as a platform where, under the supervision of a specialist, a child is transferred from one parent to another. And this is justified and correct.

Such an approach is also sparing for a child who is, as it were, “hostage” by a provocateur parent. The alienated child can go to the second rejected parent without feeling guilty before the idealized parent. "he was forced."

In this case, the child is not afraid of sanctions from the parent-manipulator, since the meetings with the second parent were allegedly organized under pressure. In fact, the alienated child wants to see a second parent (except in situations of severe alienation), but hides this desire even from himself. The manipulative parent knows perfectly well that the best cure for his manipulation is good communication between the second parent and the child. For this reason, the provocateur parent maximally prevents any communication with the humiliated parent and his relatives. In my practice, there was a case when an inductor parent forbade his daughter to be friends with an old friend (with whom the relationship lasted for several years in a row) only because he saw how the victim parent greeted the mother of the child's friend.

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