Fear of being close to someone
How to Overcome Fear of Getting Too Close to Someone
When you begin a relationship, you might feel vulnerable. But overcoming fear of intimacy is possible.
Share on PinterestBeing afraid of getting too close to someone is common, and it can be managed. (Antoine Rouleau/Getty Images)If you’re afraid of getting too close to someone, you’re not alone. It’s a common feeling.
Emotional wounds can stay with you for a while, even if you don’t always notice them. They can make you avoid situations that could lead you to experience that pain again.
When you hold people at arm’s length to avoid getting hurt, you might be living with a fear of intimacy. Uncovering why you’re afraid of intimacy can be the first step toward coping.
Intimacy is a personal connection with someone who makes you feel secure, supported, and bonded. The connection suggests you’ve developed a close tie to another person.
Many people assume intimacy occurs mostly at the sexual level, but most literature agrees there are at least four types of intimacy:
- intellectual: bonding through ideas, morals, beliefs, thoughts, and opinions
- emotional: a sense of trust that allows for expression of personal and private feelings and vulnerability
- experiential: connecting through activities, life experiences, or mutual interests
- physical and sexual: sharing romantic and physical touching or closeness
Fear of intimacy can involve all areas of closeness, but it can all come down to emotional intimacy for many people.
Brenda Wade, a nationally recognized relationship expert and a practicing psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area, says people who live with a fear of intimacy are often fearful of being emotionally hurt.
They may be worried that someone will discover their “dark secret” — like their belief that they aren’t good enough, for example, or fear that the person will leave them when they’re already emotionally invested, Wade adds.
Fear of intimacy and emotional unavailability: The same?
Fear of intimacy and emotional unavailability share many similarities and can overlap, Wade says. Also, one can be the byproduct of the other.
The primary difference, though, comes down to the underlying causes of fear.
A person emotionally unavailable is often afraid of losing their independence or sense of self, so they don’t get emotionally invested in the relationship.
Fear of intimacy can come from avoiding emotional distress after being abandoned, heartbroken, or disappointed.
Relationships can move quickly from joyful to stressful when you live with a fear of intimacy.
Initially, you might feel comfortable when your connection isn’t close enough to cause concern. At this stage, you might enjoy the social aspects of a new friend or partner.
But as the bond strengthens, signs of intimacy fear can surface.
You may experience:
- skepticism when you’re given a compliment or they express love for you
- suspicion of your partner’s relationship motives
- emotional outbursts or relationship cycles
- signs of self-sabotage
- withdrawal from physical contact
- decline in effective communication
Outside of a relationship, signs you might be living with the fear of intimacy can include:
- history of serial dating
- emotional urgency to be perfect and lovable to all
- inability to express your needs or feelings openly
- discomfort when someone expresses needs or feelings
- signs of low self-esteem
Fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment: The same?
Fear of intimacy can also involve feeling abandoned, but fear of abandonment or separation anxiety isn’t the same as fearing intimacy.
A fear of intimacy can prevent you from allowing people to become close — emotionally isolating you to avoid feeling hurt.
The fear of abandonment can do the opposite. It can push you into quick attachments, sometimes keeping you in unhealthy relationships because your greatest concern is preventing the other person from leaving.
Jason Polk, a clinical social worker, relationship coach, and the owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery in Denver, says the fear of intimacy is a self-protective mechanism.
“This reflex is found more in an anxious-ambivalent attachment style,” he says. “The developmental trauma from this is usually an experience of abandonment growing up.”
Attachment style is how you relate to other people or your relationship patterns. Psychoanalyst John Bowlby first developed the concept in the 1950s.
Bowlby said adult relationships are based on early childhood interactions with primary caregivers. Anxious-ambivalent attachment style is one of four Bowlby and his colleagues outlined.
Anxious-ambivalent attachment style develops when you receive inconsistent care during childhood. For example, having an attentive parent one minute and indifferent the next. This can result in a need for attention, insecurity, and anxiety.
But attachment style isn’t the only factor contributing to fear of intimacy.
Clinical psychologist Hüdanur Akkuzu of Istanbul says repeat behaviors or experiences throughout life that encourage someone to feel unworthy of love can contribute to intimacy fear later.
Also, fear of intimacy can be caused by trauma and mental health conditions, such as avoidant personality disorder or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
If you feel you live with the fear of intimacy or notice some of the above signs in yourself, these tips may help.
Consider professional guidance
Wade, Akkuzu, and Polk recommend speaking with a mental health professional.
“In order to overcome the fear of becoming attached to someone, you must first look at your own history and the subconscious patterns you have developed,” says Wade.
“This is where you need to work with a qualified professional to work through it because these are complex and sometimes deep-seated issues that need to be carefully and gently examined, confronted, and healed,” she adds.
Professional support can help you work through your emotions and find ways to cope with them.
You can learn more about therapy options if you can’t afford a professional.
Try to work on your self-esteem
You don’t have to live with poor self-esteem to benefit from working on self-love.
When you live with the fear of intimacy, you may feel as if you don’t deserve love or care in a relationship, Akkuzu says.
Focusing on building your confidence, developing your interests, and increasing self-worth can help.
Here are some options to help:
- positive journaling
- staying active and exercising
- exploring your creative energy
- joining a goal-oriented sport or hobby
- working through signs of impostor syndrome in relationships
Learning to reparent yourself can help
Reparenting is about giving yourself the care and support you might not have received as a child.
“You can have a conversation with that younger part of you, the part that experienced the abandonment growing up, and gently say to that part, ‘This was not your fault. I see you, I love you, and I can take it from here,’” says Polk.
This approach can keep you in your adult-self mindset, the part of you that knows and wants to work through the fear of intimacy, he explains.
Try to cultivate your self-worth ownership
Another tactic Polk recommends is actively acknowledging that you — not others, including your partner — have ownership of your self-worth. You can try reminding yourself, through verbal or written affirmations, that your relationship isn’t a reflection of your value as a human being.
“You overcome this fear by remembering your inherent self-worth,” Polk says. “For example, say to yourself, ‘I have self-worth, my partner does not possess it; they can’t walk away with it. I can go after my wants and needs in this relationship regardless of what happens.
’”
This might help you feel more confident about getting close to someone else. They can control what they do and feel, but not what you do and feel, and vice versa.
The fear of intimacy often comes after experiencing emotional distress in relationships, even the early ones.
Getting too close to another person can mean exposing your vulnerabilities — emotional hotspots where you could be hurt. But intimacy can also offer you support, understanding, and a sense of connection.
Speaking with a mental health professional can help you explore why you may be afraid of getting close to others and help you build skills to encourage confidence and self-love.
How to Overcome Fear of Getting Too Close to Someone
When you begin a relationship, you might feel vulnerable. But overcoming fear of intimacy is possible.
Share on PinterestBeing afraid of getting too close to someone is common, and it can be managed. (Antoine Rouleau/Getty Images)If you’re afraid of getting too close to someone, you’re not alone.
It’s a common feeling.
Emotional wounds can stay with you for a while, even if you don’t always notice them. They can make you avoid situations that could lead you to experience that pain again.
When you hold people at arm’s length to avoid getting hurt, you might be living with a fear of intimacy. Uncovering why you’re afraid of intimacy can be the first step toward coping.
Intimacy is a personal connection with someone who makes you feel secure, supported, and bonded. The connection suggests you’ve developed a close tie to another person.
Many people assume intimacy occurs mostly at the sexual level, but most literature agrees there are at least four types of intimacy:
- intellectual: bonding through ideas, morals, beliefs, thoughts, and opinions
- emotional: a sense of trust that allows for expression of personal and private feelings and vulnerability
- experiential: connecting through activities, life experiences, or mutual interests
- physical and sexual: sharing romantic and physical touching or closeness
Fear of intimacy can involve all areas of closeness, but it can all come down to emotional intimacy for many people.
Brenda Wade, a nationally recognized relationship expert and a practicing psychologist in the San Francisco Bay Area, says people who live with a fear of intimacy are often fearful of being emotionally hurt.
They may be worried that someone will discover their “dark secret” — like their belief that they aren’t good enough, for example, or fear that the person will leave them when they’re already emotionally invested, Wade adds.
Fear of intimacy and emotional unavailability: The same?
Fear of intimacy and emotional unavailability share many similarities and can overlap, Wade says. Also, one can be the byproduct of the other.
The primary difference, though, comes down to the underlying causes of fear.
A person emotionally unavailable is often afraid of losing their independence or sense of self, so they don’t get emotionally invested in the relationship.
Fear of intimacy can come from avoiding emotional distress after being abandoned, heartbroken, or disappointed.
Relationships can move quickly from joyful to stressful when you live with a fear of intimacy.
Initially, you might feel comfortable when your connection isn’t close enough to cause concern. At this stage, you might enjoy the social aspects of a new friend or partner.
But as the bond strengthens, signs of intimacy fear can surface.
You may experience:
- skepticism when you’re given a compliment or they express love for you
- suspicion of your partner’s relationship motives
- emotional outbursts or relationship cycles
- signs of self-sabotage
- withdrawal from physical contact
- decline in effective communication
Outside of a relationship, signs you might be living with the fear of intimacy can include:
- history of serial dating
- emotional urgency to be perfect and lovable to all
- inability to express your needs or feelings openly
- discomfort when someone expresses needs or feelings
- signs of low self-esteem
Fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment: The same?
Fear of intimacy can also involve feeling abandoned, but fear of abandonment or separation anxiety isn’t the same as fearing intimacy.
A fear of intimacy can prevent you from allowing people to become close — emotionally isolating you to avoid feeling hurt.
The fear of abandonment can do the opposite. It can push you into quick attachments, sometimes keeping you in unhealthy relationships because your greatest concern is preventing the other person from leaving.
Jason Polk, a clinical social worker, relationship coach, and the owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery in Denver, says the fear of intimacy is a self-protective mechanism.
“This reflex is found more in an anxious-ambivalent attachment style,” he says. “The developmental trauma from this is usually an experience of abandonment growing up.”
Attachment style is how you relate to other people or your relationship patterns. Psychoanalyst John Bowlby first developed the concept in the 1950s.
Bowlby said adult relationships are based on early childhood interactions with primary caregivers. Anxious-ambivalent attachment style is one of four Bowlby and his colleagues outlined.
Anxious-ambivalent attachment style develops when you receive inconsistent care during childhood. For example, having an attentive parent one minute and indifferent the next. This can result in a need for attention, insecurity, and anxiety.
But attachment style isn’t the only factor contributing to fear of intimacy.
Clinical psychologist Hüdanur Akkuzu of Istanbul says repeat behaviors or experiences throughout life that encourage someone to feel unworthy of love can contribute to intimacy fear later.
Also, fear of intimacy can be caused by trauma and mental health conditions, such as avoidant personality disorder or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
If you feel you live with the fear of intimacy or notice some of the above signs in yourself, these tips may help.
Consider professional guidance
Wade, Akkuzu, and Polk recommend speaking with a mental health professional.
“In order to overcome the fear of becoming attached to someone, you must first look at your own history and the subconscious patterns you have developed,” says Wade.
“This is where you need to work with a qualified professional to work through it because these are complex and sometimes deep-seated issues that need to be carefully and gently examined, confronted, and healed,” she adds.
Professional support can help you work through your emotions and find ways to cope with them.
You can learn more about therapy options if you can’t afford a professional.
Try to work on your self-esteem
You don’t have to live with poor self-esteem to benefit from working on self-love.
When you live with the fear of intimacy, you may feel as if you don’t deserve love or care in a relationship, Akkuzu says.
Focusing on building your confidence, developing your interests, and increasing self-worth can help.
Here are some options to help:
- positive journaling
- staying active and exercising
- exploring your creative energy
- joining a goal-oriented sport or hobby
- working through signs of impostor syndrome in relationships
Learning to reparent yourself can help
Reparenting is about giving yourself the care and support you might not have received as a child.
“You can have a conversation with that younger part of you, the part that experienced the abandonment growing up, and gently say to that part, ‘This was not your fault. I see you, I love you, and I can take it from here,’” says Polk.
This approach can keep you in your adult-self mindset, the part of you that knows and wants to work through the fear of intimacy, he explains.
Try to cultivate your self-worth ownership
Another tactic Polk recommends is actively acknowledging that you — not others, including your partner — have ownership of your self-worth. You can try reminding yourself, through verbal or written affirmations, that your relationship isn’t a reflection of your value as a human being.
“You overcome this fear by remembering your inherent self-worth,” Polk says. “For example, say to yourself, ‘I have self-worth, my partner does not possess it; they can’t walk away with it. I can go after my wants and needs in this relationship regardless of what happens.
’”
This might help you feel more confident about getting close to someone else. They can control what they do and feel, but not what you do and feel, and vice versa.
The fear of intimacy often comes after experiencing emotional distress in relationships, even the early ones.
Getting too close to another person can mean exposing your vulnerabilities — emotional hotspots where you could be hurt. But intimacy can also offer you support, understanding, and a sense of connection.
Speaking with a mental health professional can help you explore why you may be afraid of getting close to others and help you build skills to encourage confidence and self-love.
5 questions about the fear of intimacy
Evgenia Tolochko answers 5 questions about the fear of intimacy. We understand how the fear of intimacy is formed, how it affects relationships and how to distinguish real intimacy from merging.
What is the fear of intimacy?
First, perhaps, we can say about the closeness itself. The word “proximity” contains the concept of distance, that is, how close I can be to another person or how uncomfortable it is for me to be close to him - and then I am located further in relation to him, at a certain distance. I think if we talk about physical proximity, it has to do with how safe I am around another. If I'm walking down the street and I see a person or, for example, I'm in the same room with someone - I can, guided by my feelings, understand how close I can physically approach him or how dangerous it is for some reason - then I physically keep this distance. If there is no real physical threat, but this fear still remains, then we need to talk, perhaps, about the fear of shame or about some kind of fear of psychological pain, if we assume that such a concept exists. Therefore, I associate the opportunity to be close to another with vulnerability and openness, with how close to others I can be myself, I can be with my complex feelings, be frank, open, “naked”, roughly speaking.
And if there is such an experience in life, a positive experience, when I was close next to another and was accepted, met in who I am, then this is good. But it happens that there is no such experience, this safe experience of being in openness is very close to another, and then fear arises: I am afraid of being rejected, misunderstood, ridiculed, not met with everything that I have, and I begin afraid to approach. nine0003
How is the fear of intimacy formed?
I think the fear of intimacy is formed at an early age, because our first close relationships are those in our parental family. And it's great when this experience of being around someone else is positive. But it happens differently. It happens that the first experience of intimacy is quite toxic, I think that it makes sense to talk about two fears that can lie under the fear of intimacy: this is the fear of abandonment and the fear of absorption. They are often such shifting feelings: one is hiding behind the other.
If we talk about the fear of abandonment, then this is possible when I was close to someone, I felt good, warm and comfortable there, but then I was abandoned or abruptly left, and it was painful and traumatic. And further, therefore, I am afraid to enter into close relationships or build any relationship at all. I am afraid that I will come close again, I will become attached, I will get used to it, and they will leave me. And this fear of abandonment or abandonment does not allow to enter into close relationships. The second is the fear of absorption. When, for example, the intimacy was hierarchical and vertical, or when another person who was close to me (perhaps a parent) very strongly suppressed my own impulses and my desires and dreams. When in closeness I cease to exist with my needs, with what I am. And even badly I hear already, in fact, what I want. If this skill “doesn’t come in handy” for a long time, then it can even atrophy: not only can I not do what I want, or I can’t do it next to someone else, I don’t even understand, I don’t hear or I think about what I want.
And therefore, when I enter into a close relationship, such a pattern of behavior, such automatism is brought in again - and again I disappear or disappear in this relationship. It is difficult for me to set my own boundaries, it is difficult to be myself and, therefore, I am afraid of this closeness, I am afraid to enter into these relationships so as not to disappear into them. nine0003
How do I know if I am avoiding intimacy?
If I'm not in any relationship at all, if I've never been in a relationship, or if I haven't been in a relationship for a long time, this may indicate that I somehow avoid intimacy. Or I can choose a distant partner. It can be someone who lives in another country, for example, or is in a different relationship, or does not love me mutually - in general, anything, but it is impossible to get closer and be qualitatively together. Then I kind of have a feeling, I kind of even love someone and even want to be with him and even want to be close, but such is fate, it happened to me that this person is at a certain distance from me.
I think it's important here to assign some choice to myself: I'm choosing a distant partner and therefore it's necessary for me now - either to be in such a relationship, or this is the only kind of relationship that is now possible for me. I once read a book called Women Who Love Too Much. It was about how a woman loves some man, so she wants to be with him, and he always distances himself or runs away somewhere, or leaves, or disappears. There was such a moment that it is important to appropriate your own desire for freedom and your own desire and need to distance yourself, to have some kind of personal space. Because often this is not appropriated and then it seems that this partner is so leaving and running away. But in fact, I chose him for a reason, such a distant partner - it means that I need a lot of space or I'm not ready to be close yet. nine0003
How does fear of intimacy affect relationships?
Fear of intimacy hinders building close relationships. There are couples where such a game is constantly played out: you are away from me, then I follow you, I want to get you into this proximity in some way, but as soon as you approach and are ready to be with me, then I start to somehow move away.
And the meeting, in fact, does not happen. Or they also say that inaccessibility attracts, “I like it when my partner is inaccessible.” Or a man seeks a woman, and she always wants to remain inaccessible so that he conquers her, then this is not entirely about intimacy, because sooner or later you will have to become close when it comes to long-term relationships or building a family. You won’t always pretend to be inaccessible and move away from it somewhere. I think this may be an indicator - such a game of catch-up. nine0003
We also recommend reading: Stopped love
Or if intimacy comes too quickly. For example, I just met a person, and everything happened to him right away. I don’t know anything about him yet, but I already love him, we have already had sex and, in general, everything is already sweet with us. This is called a merger - when we skip the stages of getting to know each other and recognizing each other, where real intimacy is possible, when I am me, and you are you, when we are gradually approaching each other.
Because of the same fear of intimacy or fear of gradually opening up, gradually getting to know each other or showing yourself with all your strengths and weaknesses, you can immediately merge into a sweet merger, but, unfortunately, this also does not work very long. Too fast and kind of close from the start, but it's not exactly close. There is such a concept, I really like it, called pseudo-proximity. When we seem to be so close already, and everything is already sweet with us, and we feel good together, but we do not risk appearing ourselves, our own, as it seems to us, not the most attractive features or some difficulties of our character. It turns out that two people meet who turn to each other with a very attractive side and seem to enter into intimacy, but then it is important to say that this is some kind of pseudo-intimacy, because we are not yet completely real in it, and real intimacy comes where I risk being myself, with all my cracks and other complexities. nine0003
How does psychotherapy deal with fear of intimacy?
I think clients come into therapy most often, or perhaps even always, with relationship problems: with someone or something.
There are difficult places in life that I usually leave: when it gets hard for me, I leave. For example, I understand that now it’s already too close to another, or I feel ashamed, or scared that something is happening - in ordinary life I’m used to leaving. And about the other person, I mean that he, too, can leave if I do something and somehow show myself. Therapy is characterized by the fact that, firstly, the therapist stays, and it is very important that he stays. I can stay next to him, this is such a point of development - I can stay in the place where I usually leave and see what is difficult there, how hard it is there and how can I stay, what will happen next? What is behind this fear, what is behind this shame, what is behind this desire to leave? What lies behind them? I think that's the way therapy works with this fear of intimacy. Plus, of course, we can somehow find out in the process of dialogue how fear was formed, what influenced it, what from the past influenced what is difficult for me in intimacy now.
And it becomes alive, some pictures of the past and some of their stories take root in a different way. nine0003
As a recognition of our own fragility makes us stronger than
“Something is wrong with me?”: How is the fear of loneliness prevents the construction of
to know themselves to know themselves and female-dino
Why are women afraid of loneliness
Feases to be alone, which means not the same as everyone else, is born in us in childhood. Parents repeat: when you grow up, you graduate from college, then you get married, give birth to children ... It turns out: there is no man - there is no full realization. nine0003
A picture of the world is formed in the girl's mind, where happiness without a man is impossible. And getting married is the only way to live. She grows up with the feeling that without another person she cannot be happy, realize herself, solve her problems. This is a very serious level of addiction.
Another reason is the unwillingness to be different. Fear of not meeting standards. Our society actively promotes the image of a happy woman who is realized in the social sphere and family relationships. So if I'm single, then there's something wrong with me. And at a deeper subconscious level, a woman is afraid that it will always be like this, that she will not find her place in society. nine0003
Why men avoid women because they are afraid of being alone
A woman who is afraid of being alone wants to please everyone and needs constant approval and support. She is always in suspense: what will a man think, what will he do, how should she behave correctly? Tortured from childhood by parental advice, she looks confused, does not understand what she wants, and whether her desire matters against the background of what they want from her. This interferes with communication and repels members of the opposite sex.
At the forefront of such a woman is the desire to have a man at any cost.
Sometimes she even marries the first applicant she comes across, just not to be alone. But she does not understand why she actually decided to take this step. nine0003
"He doesn't want a serious relationship!"
How do you know if your partner is serious? First of all, soberly assess the situation: is the man paying enough attention to you? Does he talk or do more?
I recently had a client in a consultation who was talking about her new novel. Her love is a big businessman who doesn't have time for dates. Only for rare meetings - one or two a month. He never calls, texts, shows no signs of attention, but when they are together, it's a blast. Crazy sex, beautiful promises, passion. Then he disappears again. nine0003
This is a classic example of a man who is not in the mood for a serious relationship
We live in a world of social networks and mobile communications. And if a man shows you that he doesn’t even have five minutes a day to communicate, stop convincing yourself that he needs you.
It also happens that it is not enough for a woman to find a partner, she must marry herself, and then keep her in this marriage. And all this because of the same fear - to be alone. Often I come across such couples where the hero is literally forcibly led down the aisle. Is there happiness there? The answer is obvious. After a few years, a man either gets a mistress or gets divorced. nine0003
Ask yourself: do you need a person who lives nearby just for convenience? In such pairs there is always a game of manipulation. So, when a man wants to break up, a woman tries in every possible way to show that she cannot be without him. Or he resorts to the famous: "I gave you the best years, and you ruined everything."
In such cases, I always ask you to answer honestly the question: are you interested in yourself? Imagine that you are the only person in your life right now. What will you do? What are your hobbies? Do you want to be with yourself? nine0003
When we completely dissolve in a man, subordinating our life to his rules, we must understand that he will get tired of it.
He has his own interests, hobbies, life. And you?
From loneliness to love
Good news: you can work with the fear of loneliness. First, figure out what you need the relationship for. To show your girlfriends how in demand you are? Or for the family to finally calm down with questions about marriage? Or maybe someone to spend time with? nine0003
Second, clear your head. Try to throw out of it all the stereotypes and unnecessary thoughts. I advise you to write down on a sheet a list of feelings that you would like to experience in a relationship, and then look for all these feelings within yourself. Agree, it is difficult to radiate love when you yourself desperately need it.
Thirdly, answer the question: “Which woman will your man be interested in?”. And come up with activities for yourself, find new hobbies. Totally enjoy your life. nine0003
Understand that fear has power over us only when we are not aware of it. By honestly answering the question why you are afraid to be alone, you will change your worldview 180 degrees.
It is possible that your fear is far-fetched and has no basis.
In the role of a loner, it is very convenient to be a victim, attributing all failures to the absence of a man
The story of one of my clients is an example of this. For nine years she was married to a man whom she literally married to herself. A child appeared, a joint life. But at one point, he left. And then the worst began. The woman put herself in the position of a victim: I am an incubator for the birth of a child, I have not been socially realized, nobody needs me. Everyone around is to blame, but not me. nine0003
I advised her to look into herself first, and we found the cause of her fear. In the family where she grew up, women of all generations got married to show society their usefulness. But every marriage, oddly enough, ended in divorce. As soon as we knew the reason, it became clear that the problem could be solved - get rid of fear, abandon the position of the victim and improve your life.
