Father issues in daughters
How "Daddy Issues" can affect daughters
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How "Daddy Issues" can affect daughters
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TIMESOFINDIA.COM | Last updated on -Nov 24, 2021, 19:00 ISTShare fbsharetwsharepinshareComments (0)
01/7What you need to know about daddy issues
Often we've seen people calling out other people for having some unresolved issues with their parents, especially their fathers. "Daddy Issues" has become a catch-all phrase, most often used to describe women who have trouble trusting themselves and others in a relationship, who date older men, and those who have an attachment issue with their fathers or father-type figures.
Neither the term, nor the concept behind it has been recognized clinically. However, many psychological theories are associated with it and experts have and continue to study how someone's relationship with their father during childhood impacts them in adulthood.
Read also: 5 ways to help your daughter handle mean girls
02/7The psychology behind "Daddy Issues"
The origin of the term "daddy issues" is still unknown, however, the concept behind it could date back to the idea of the father complex by Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis. The theory arises out of a negative relationship with one's father. This brought other theories to the forefront, such as the Oedipus and Electra complex. The former describes a boy's subconscious attraction to his mother and the latter stands for girls having the same subconscious feeling for their fathers.
In modern day terminology, "daddy issues" follows the same idea, wherein a child has a turbulent relationship with their father, leading to problems in their adulthood.
03/7What may cause it?
A lot of factors can lead to "daddy issues" in kids, especially when they grow up.
While terms like "daddy's girl" indicates a daughter's positive bond with a father, wherein they are favoured, looked after and cared for, "daddy issues" may arise when the bond between the father and the daughter is polluted by mental, emotional and sexual abuse.
Additionally, when a child does not receive the love of a father-figure, has a father who is uninvolved, negligent, toxic, it may also lead to kids having issues. As fathers and kids are concerned, it is extremely important that they're equally cared for by both their parents, or else it will lead to a certain complex that may hamper their adulthood.
Read also: Easy tips to prepare your daughter for her first period
04/7The impact on adulthood
In every child's life, a father-figure is of paramount importance. Every child has a deep bond with their mothers, but having a father, who is present for them at all times, takes care of their needs and showcases themselves as the perfect male role model is extremely crucial for the child's development.
However, when a child misses on all these things in life, they're likely to grow up with unresolved issues and emotions. While it may take a great toll on their self-esteem, morale and confidence, as they enter adulthood, they're likely to bear more drastic consequences.
05/7Insecurity and instability in relationships during adulthood
Kids who grow up with a troubled relationship with their dads may develop attachment issues with others too. Given that their childhood was full of problems, insecurity, mistrust, they're bound to instill the same feelings as they grow up and start their own life as an adult.
For instance, if one's father, someone so close to them, was abusive, they're likely to feel unsafe around anyone and everyone. The feeling of insecurity is sure to exist. This further leads to unstable relationships, lack of trust and more.
Also, in some instances, when it comes to women, they may prefer to date older men - someone who they replace as their father-figure.
06/7Constant need for reassurance is a common sign
A person dealing with "daddy issues" is likely to be in fear all the time. Not just the fear of losing someone, but also of being lonely and feeling abandoned. This therefore could make them hungry for love, someone to appreciate them, someone to make them feel good. They become extremely dependent on others and constantly look for validations and reassurances.
07/7It is not just a 'girl' thing
When it comes to dealing with "daddy issues", one must first understand that it is not just limited to girls or women. Men can be subject to the same.
Considering that the term is usually used to describe or rather 'mock' women, it is important to note that it can occur to anyone, irrespective of their gender. Anyone who had a hard time with his/her father can develop such complex emotions. Fortunately, the idea that men can also develop daddy issues is becoming more widely accepted today.
Do I Have Daddy Issues? The Real Psychology Behind Daddy Issues
Growing up with your dad by your side is a privilege that some people are deprived of. No one can deny that growing up in a complete and emotionally healthy family is a wonderful gift.
Individuals who are having difficulties creating secure attachments in adult relationships may have daddy issues. They could develop if you grew up without a father or lived with a dysfunctional one.
Having daddy issues is not a serious mental health condition. However, this term is sometimes used to put down women in their romantic relationships, including men who are perceived to be acting like their father.
The term is often misinterpreted and misused. Daddy issues are real, but there’s absolutely no need to use “daddy issues” as a term of derision on those who may have them.
The Origin of “Daddy Issues”
There is no certainty as to how the term “daddy issues” came about. But the concept started with Freud’s father complex.
A person with father complex has unconscious impulses because of their poor relationship with their father. These impulses can either be positive or negative. A negative impulse towards a partner could be fear or distrust, while a positive impulse could be admiration towards the partner.
A daughter with father complex develops unhealthy relationships with other men who care for her. In women with father complex, the brain recreate their relationship with their father as a way of trying to fix the broken relationship.
Freud conceived a similar theory called the “Oedipus complex” towards the end of the 19th century. In this theory, the famous psychoanalyst posits that children are subconsciously attracted to the opposite sex parent.
Below are some indicators pointing to a very high likelihood that you might have daddy issues:
1. You Are Interested in Much Older Men
If you grew up with a dysfunctional father or without one, you subconsciously desire someone who can protect and adore you, like the ideal dad.
You think they can provide the lack of affection you missed growing up. You prefer older men because they are more stable financially and have a more settled lifestyle.
2. You Are Clingy, Possessive, and Protective
If you are continually anxious that your partner will leave you, you can be very clingy, possessive, and even protective of them. You have developed an anxious attachment style because of the relationship you had with your caregivers in childhood.
You tend to be very irritable. You always check your partner’s phone to find out if they are cheating. You also worry if they frequently come home late.
This anxious behavior could strain your relationship and leave you abandoned.
3. You Consistently Demand Assurance of Love
If you grew up developing insecurities, you would consistently seek assurance from your partner about their feelings for you. You also tend to compare yourself with your partner’s exes.
Again, this can be suffocating for your partner. Aside from being abandoned, you will also feel unloved and unimportant.
4. You Constantly Attract Abusive Partners
You have that subconscious desire to fix your broken relationship with your estranged father. Because of this, you are unconsciously attracted to self-absorbed and abusive partners.
Why? Because their attitude reminds you of your father, the person you badly wanted to please when you were younger.
5. You Seem to Crave a Lot of Sex
You think that sex is the only way you can keep your partner. You build your self-esteem through regular sexual interactions with them.
Wanting to feel love through sex is like using a band-aid to cover wounds. Sex covers up your emotional wounds. You know you are struggling with attachment issues, and you cover them up to feel good about yourself.
If this is the kind of love that you have now, there is no doubt you will get hurt in the long run.
6. You Don’t Want to Be Alone
You are never single. You are jumping from one romantic relationship to another without pause. You don’t care whether you end up with a decent or abusive partner.
If this is the kind of love you desire, you will never discover your unique character. You can never have a healthy and promising relationship if you don’t resolve the underlying issues that make you so uncomfortable being alone.
How to Know If You Have Daddy Issues
Asking yourself “Do I have daddy issues?” may not give you a clear answer. There’s a clearer way to know if you have daddy issues, but you have to be honest about your relationship with your father. Answer these questions honestly:
- Did you grow up fatherless?
- Have you lived with an abusive father?
- Do you have a father figure who is mentally unstable or emotionally unattached?
If your answer is yes to any of the questions, you may have attachment issues that need to be addressed.
Types of Fathers
There are different types of fathers who are the cause of their daughters’ childhood trauma and adult relationship issues.
1. The Emotionally Unavailable Father
They are physically present at home but are emotionally unavailable to their daughters. The child feels incomplete and abandoned despite having a parent who is physically available.
2. The Abusive and Violent Father
They mistreat their daughters because of their impulsive, hot-tempered, and unstable emotional and mental state. Children living with this kind of father grow up struggling with mental health problems.
3. The Pampering and Indulging Father
Children from this type of father are spoiled and over-indulged. Their father gives them a lot of attention and love. Growing up spoiled, the daughter would want to be treated the same way.
She will look for a partner who will treat her like a queen. Most daughters end up with older boyfriends who are financially capable of providing the lavish life they think they deserve.
4. The Toxic and Controlling Father
Have you heard of helicopter parenting? Helicopter parents are parents who focus extremely on their children’s activities and decisions.
These parents are excessively involved in their children’s lives and are shielding them from disappointments. Daughters who grew up with a helicopter dad often seek very dominating partners.
5. The Ruined and Dependent Father
These are fathers who are dependent on their daughters for their everyday survival. Caring for a dad who is not working can result in children with low self-esteem. They grow up easily manipulated or exploited by men for sexual or financial means.
6. The Anguished and Distressed Father
In normal conditions, daughters look up to their fathers with admiration. So, when a father begins to disappoint his daughter constantly, there is a big possibility that she will grow up with daddy issues.
The daughter will grow up rebellious and self-destructive. She may even entertain suicidal thoughts. A girl who grew up with an anguished father may have the tendency to engage in unprotected sex, take drugs, or develop an addiction.
Individuals with daddy issues develop insecure attachment styles toward their parents. Insecure attachments happen when caregivers are unresponsive to the child’s needs.
Insecure attachment can be categorized into the following:
These individuals are very clingy and anxious. They are unsettled because they’re worried their partner might leave them.
These individuals have trust issues. They are afraid to get hurt by those they trust and depend on.
These individuals are fearful and worried about intimacy. They avoid being close to anyone. When faced with difficulties, they prefer to run away.
Who Can Have Daddy Issues?
Anyone can have daddy issues. Daddy issues are more prevalent than most people believe. That’s because many people have childhood baggage that they bring into adulthood, including the unhealthy relationship they had with their parents.
How Do People with Daddy Issues Choose a Partner?
Growing up, you dreamt of the person you wanted to spend your life with. Often, you want a person who has similar characteristics as your parents. Whether you grew up in a happy or troubled family, you are still inclined to have relationships that you are familiar with.
The kind of relationship you experienced growing up is considered your comfort zone, regardless if it is traumatic or not. You are more likely to look for a partner who could give you the same kind of relationship you had with your parents.
Daddy Issues and Sexuality
Many fathers are unavailable emotionally, can be abusive, or physically absent. Children with less involved fathers develop poorly. They have an unstable development, which could result in an increased desire for sexual activities.
Males who did not have a father growing up will have insecurities in their masculinity. Their insecurities can make them avoid dating or sex altogether. They can even exhibit aggressive behaviors, or worse, become sexual predators.
What Can Be Done?
It’s about time you think about all the relationships you had. Are you mostly happy, or do you constantly end up in unhealthy relationships?
Look at the other couples you know. How are their relationships different from yours? If you have close friends who have healthy relationships, ask for their advice.
If your partner is willing to help you resolve your daddy issues, you can both get couples therapy. The goal of the treatment is to resolve underlying conflicts and come up with concrete solutions to the problem.
Now is the time to think about having a better love life. Doing this alone is not going to be easy. You should seek professional help to be able to move forward and not look back.
People with daddy issues tend to not love themselves enough or love themselves the wrong way. This inevitably affects every relationship they have, be it familial, romantic, friendly, or professional.
Love should be a two-way street. You love the person, and the person loves you back without any conditions. You are most likely to have stable, loving relations if you learn to love yourself and set personal goals.
Kentucky Counseling Center (KCC) is here to help you resolve your daddy issues. They will guide you in looking for a partner that is fit and perfectfor you. Call now and inquire which type of therapy is best for you. Our counselors are well-trained and will help you overcome whatever mental or emotional issues you may have.
Relationship problems between father and daughter and their consequences in adult life
The father's role in raising his daughter still seems insignificant to some. Daddy loves her and that's enough. Is it so?
Everything is clear with boys – their father teaches them to be courageous, courageous, to take responsibility for themselves and others, to fight for rights and protect the weak. But what about the girls? It used to be believed that the upbringing of daughters was entirely in the hands of the mother. In practice, it turns out that if the daughter grew up without a father (literally or figuratively), friendly contact was not established with him, then the child has to fly through life, as if without one wing. Psychologists have repeatedly mentioned the relationship between father and daughter. What consequences can be in the future because of a bad relationship with his father in the past? nine0003
Ideal? If you dig into the past, many will find something to remember:
- alcoholic father,
- left the family early,
- was a workaholic.
Or he simply lived nearby, but did not show any interest in his daughter, did not take care of his upbringing. Some fathers were “cold” and aloof, while others were not so lucky.
If the father drank, walked, beat the children or the mother, then the feeling of injustice and hatred can live in the soul for years, leaving a heavy imprint on all life events. nine0003
In psychology, it has long been established that the connection between father and daughter subconsciously influences the relationship between a girl and her chosen one in the future. For example, if a father has never admired his daughter, then as an adult, she will not expect compliments from fans. But these are trifles compared to what serious problems girls can face in adulthood if there were disagreements with their fathers.
Read on the topic Psychology of father-daughter relations
Father-daughter relations: subconscious choice of the wrong men
A huge problem with a bad relationship between father and daughter is revealed at the moment when it comes to dating, choosing a life partner. If sharp corners and some kind of psychological trauma can be hidden in work, relationships with friends, then when it comes to building a connection with the opposite sex, all those complexes, fears and mental attitudes that we received in childhood emerge. No one wants an alcoholic or tyrant husband, but girls who have had fathers with the same problem in their lives are much more likely to choose a guy with an addiction. nine0003
A father is called to help his daughter grow up to be brave, self-confident, but at the same time feminine. It is the father who instills in the girl a sense of self-worth, attractiveness and striving for the desired. When a child at an early age does not receive daddy's attention, approval and care, self-doubt creeps in. As a result, statistics show that in families where fathers abandoned their wives and children, girls more often begin to have an early sexual life, many become pregnant at the age of 15-16 years. The fear is triggered that the man will definitely leave, leave the family, and therefore you need to hurry. If you evaluate this, it is easy to understand how important the role of the father in raising a daughter is. nine0003
Unreliable father. What will the daughter grow up to be?
Powerful women who are able to show masculine character traits, be tough and uncompromising, most likely had weak-willed and irresponsible fathers. Such dads were not able to bring money to the family, they drank, obeyed the whims of an overbearing mother.
A girl takes this kind of father-daughter relationship into her adult life, trying to compensate for the lack and take responsibility for everything into her own hands. As a result, men come across on the way who need to be pulled, patronized, and, possibly, provided. At the same time, the mental attitude may not manifest itself so clearly, but if you start analyzing the situation, it turns out that the woman is simply not able to stop controlling everything (after all, she does this unconsciously, at the subconscious level). nine0003
Domineering father of a complaisant daughter
If the relationship between father and daughter developed differently, for example, dad was domineering, demanding, strict, then this is a different story. The girl was required to be sweet, helpful, feminine, not to show any masculine qualities, not to defend her opinion. Most often, such fathers give the installation to learn, and then successfully marry.
The relationship between father and daughter is so strong that even if a young lady starts her own business or becomes a boss, the attitude to be in a subordinate position will manifest itself in relations with her man. After all, the chosen one is chosen on a subconscious level with the same character traits that were present in his father. nine0003
Read on the topic Life scenarios from childhood
What to do if the relationship between father and daughter is difficult and painful
An analysis of the situation will help to deal with the wrong attitudes of adult life from childhood:
- were there any problems in childhood,
- what relationship between father and daughter existed and exists,
- how the father behaved in childhood and how he is now, etc.
The best way to diagnose and solve such a problem is a psychologist. However, if you have just begun to understand the situation, you can try to figure it out on your own. nine0003
Analyze all your romantic stories: do they have something in common? If it is obvious that you are “unlucky” with men in life, you need to change your psychological attitudes. It can be difficult to do this without a specialist, because the psychology of "father-daughter" is not limited to one article or a moment of insight.
Problems that have migrated from childhood to adulthood are the deepest and most emotionally difficult. However, now you can try to change the situation.
- Start by realizing and accepting: your father was not a perfect person, you need to forgive him and stop looking for a partner who would be like him. nine0012
- Think about what traits of your father are the most difficult for you to come to terms with. Are you subconsciously looking for similar traits in other people? To do this, look at your surroundings: bosses, husband, former partners.
- Remember the difficult periods of your life, difficult conversations with your father about your choice. Did he let you make your own decisions? Did you support?
- Analyze what his words hurt you the most, and when he was the only stronghold and support for you. nine0012
The father's role in upbringing is great, but don't rush to blame him for all your problems. The father-daughter relationship is a thin thread and should be dealt with as carefully as any type of family relationship. In order not to harm yourself or him, it is better to discuss the problem with a psychologist - this will help to more clearly show your connection and its impact on adult life.
Father and daughter - the psychology of relationships and upbringing
Father is the first man a girl sees if she grows up in a full-fledged family. And the way he will show himself will largely determine her attitude towards the opposite sex. nine0003
On my website lifeinheart.com I decided to find out what a real father should be for a daughter. How does a woman who grew up in an incomplete family feel? How to improve relations with your father and let go of old grievances? Find answers to these and many other questions in this article!
The role of a father in raising his daughter
As soon as she gets on her feet, a little girl begins to copy her mother's behavior: to adopt her habits, tastes, gestures and facial expressions. Imitation of the person with whom she spends 90% of the time helps her identify herself as . Dad, with his dissimilarity, arouses genuine interest in her. The baby is trying to understand how to communicate with this dear, but at the same time incomprehensible person? Relationships "father and daughter" play a big role in the upbringing and development of personality.The role of a father in raising a daughter is very important
According to sociological studies, women who grew up in complete families, where the father and mother took an equal active part in the life of the child, are much less likely to suffer from an inferiority complex and get involved in dependent relationships. nine0003
So what is the role of a father in raising his daughter?
- Basic male pattern. A man is physically stronger than a woman, he wears completely different clothes, has different habits. The girl learns these simple truths by communicating with her father . His task is to show his daughter that a woman and a man can coexist harmoniously despite their differences.
- Untouchable authority. His words are perceived as a law that cannot be violated for one's own good. It is important to understand that this is not about intimidation, but about wise mentoring . If a girl has lived all her childhood in fear of her own father, she will most likely carry this into adulthood as a model of behavior with men. The role of the "victim of the tyrant" will be perceived as the norm. If there was no father or his reputation was greatly undermined, then the girl will live all her life in an unconscious search for male authority.
- An example of a "life partner". This item is closely related to the previous two. A girl who grew up in a family where her father could not be called the standard of morality (traitor, drunkard, loafer, irresponsible) all her life will subconsciously look for a solution to this problem through relationships with difficult men.
It's a paradox, but most often it is the father who influences the formation of femininity in his daughter. After all, he often allows her to fool around, jump, run and play outdoor games. This pastime unchains her - she sees how dad moves, and the girl sees the main physical differences.
- A member of the full-fledged trio - mother, father and daughter. Sometimes, with the advent of a child, young parents completely forget what connected them. They push their feelings for each other to the background as well as their desires and ambitions. We can say that they turn into a kind of "faceless" attendants. This is a fundamentally wrong position, which leads to the formation of distorted ideas about marriage . The family will become a harmonious trio only if both parents are directly involved in the life of their daughter, not forgetting their own. At the same time, they must understand that the satisfaction of natural needs is not identical to education.
How should a father raise his daughter? 10 signs of a good father
It is sometimes difficult for men to understand women, and this is absolutely normal. Adults can always find a compromise through an equal discussion, which cannot be said about the relationship between fathers and children. How should a good father behave, on whose shoulders the care of a little daughter fell? Let's look at basic behavioral patterns:
- Shows love and respect for all family members . He is not afraid to show his tender feelings for his wife, takes care of his parents. nine0012
- Does not avoid tactile contact . Hugs, strokes on the head and kisses the baby when she needs attention and affection.
- Appreciates the time spent with family . Actively participates in discussions, listens, and not just physically present.
- Is a reliable support for . He knows how to create an impregnable fortress from the hearth. Always stands up for her daughter when she needs it.
- Provides support in difficult life situations and helps with advice. Gives a "feeling of the elbow" even when circumstances turn against her daughter.
- Knows how to notice. In a comprehensive sense - praises her for her efforts in studies, sports and creativity, compliments her new hairstyle or elegant dress.
- Does not violate personal boundaries. A wise father would never read his daughter's personal diary, turn out her pockets and the contents of her backpack to find out something about her life. He knows how to conduct a relaxed and open dialogue with her. With age, gives her more and more freedom. nine0012
- Knows who the daughter communicates with. Friendly and affable to her daughter's acquaintances, sincerely talks to her about relationships so that she can distinguish real friends from those who manipulate her.
- Talks to her about the relationship between a man and a woman . The conversation shouldn't just be about sex, virginity, and contraception. The father and daughter of a teenager must sometimes speak as friends: confidentially and without judgment. The parent should explain to the girl the idea that she is important and valuable as a person and she should not do what she does not want, and even more so, tolerate inappropriate treatment. nine0012
- He listens to his daughter's opinion and is able to accept a point of view different from his own. Especially if the daughter is already an adult. None of the parents should impose their own picture of the world on their independent and adult child.
A father's love for his daughter is a sincere and selfless feeling that does not fade over the years. Its presence and ways of manifestation greatly affect the life of a woman.
Father and daughter - 5 types of destructive relationships
It also happens that the image of the father evokes only negative associations in the daughter. What actions of the pope can cause an adult woman to get lost in her own emotions and seek answers from a psychotherapist? Let's figure it out!
Children's psychological trauma is the most common cause of neurosis, complexes and prolonged depression.
The Father Who Wasn't There
It also happens that people get divorced, and a man leaves not only his once beloved woman, but also his child. Or the girl never saw her biological father at all. nine0003
Girls faced with such a problem feel lost and there are two outcomes:
- Closure. Distrust or even fear of the opposite sex. This is especially aggravated if the mother sets her daughter against her father, constantly talking about what a scoundrel he is, generalizing her impression of an unsuccessful relationship with such phrases as “they are all like that”, “they only need one thing” and so on ad infinitum. In the end, the mother herself, without realizing it, can push her daughter into a relationship with an abuser. After all why look for someone who will appreciate and love you, since all men behave the same way?
- The status of an eternal mistress. Girls who have never known paternal love may subconsciously be drawn to men much older than themselves. And it’s good if it’s just warm sympathy and obedience to a teacher or boss. In most cases, this can end in an affair with an adult, married man and eternal stay in the status of a dependent or mistress .
What to do?
This outcome can be avoided if the daughter is given the opportunity to see or at least once meet her father so that she fills in the missing gap . If for some reason this is not possible, the mother should find an example of a reliable man for her daughter. It could be a grandfather, an uncle, or just a family friend.
Father "The Snow King"
Cold, aloof, unemotional - attention and praise from such a father must be earned, but even he does not know in what ways this must be done. A daughter can win school olympiads, go for a gold medal, and even cook delicious breakfasts for him - the parent will take it for granted, paying attention only to shortcomings. nine0003
"You're not trying hard enough", "You've gained a lot of weight lately", "I'm ashamed of you in front of my friends" - a father humiliates and insults his daughter, eclipsing all the good that can be in childhood with biting phrases.
In most cases, this leads to the fact that the girl gets used to such a model of behavior, and already being a girl, she subconsciously reaches out to cold, inaccessible and cruel men.
What to do?
A psychologist or independent work on self-esteem can solve the problem of dependence on a tyrant. And also a woman who finds herself in such a situation does not hurt to reconsider her social circle and exclude from it all the people who inspire her with a sense of shame and duty. nine0003
A non-voting dad
Growing up in a matriarchal family, girls face a plethora of unanswered questions. Why look for a soul mate, if all important decisions are always made by one party - MAMA ? What is the meaning of marriage and relationships? As a result, her father (and, in principle, a man) appears to her as a faceless and non-initiative being who simply exists, because "it should be so. " He does not make key decisions, he does only what his wife tells him and never expresses his opinion. nine0003
What to do?
A girl who grew up in such a family needs to do what her mother never did: make friends with men, find out what they live, are interested in and see full-fledged and personalities in them . Open girls who know how to listen without problems find themselves a worthy life partner.
Father is a unique ideal
All the neighbors simply adore him, friends set him as an example, and the mother says that there is no other such man in the world. In public, he always turns into the ideal head of the family. For a little girl, such a dad is seen almost as a deity. But unfortunately at 90% of cases, this is just an image that helps to “keep the brand” in society, and a completely different person is hiding behind it.
As a result, the daughter begins to be tormented by very ambivalent emotions. On the one hand, she saw what an ideal man should be like, on the other hand, she understands that an ordinary pretender can be hidden behind the image of a “role subject”. As a result, she grows into a suspicious young lady, for whom it will be very difficult to get rid of the idea that her boyfriend, even if he is the sweetest and kindest person in the world, may not be who he claims to be. nine0203
What to do?
Recognize a simple truth: all people are different. And every guy deserves a chance to prove his true intentions.
A father who dreamed of a son
Dad loves his daughter, and at the same time, his face is written with undisguised disappointment and boredom. Everything “girlish” in the house is perceived as a dumb reproach for its failure. The daughter, who is absolutely not to blame for anything, feels that she has upset her father with something . Sometimes he voices his thoughts: “Oh, how I wished I had a son. He would be like a friend to me - we would go fishing together, but to football. nine0003
Or he projects his unfulfilled desire onto his daughter: he buys her “boyish” toys, clothes, and keeps her interested in “male” hobbies. And the daughter is only happy to try to somehow get her father's praise. As a result - serious problems in self-identification , a tendency to misogyny and complexes in the pubertal period, when secondary sexual characteristics begin to appear.
What to do?
Father needs psychotherapy and working out his own complexes. A daughter who grew up in such conditions would also benefit from working with a specialist. nine0202 She needs to accept herself and understand that she doesn't have to become a boyfriend or be like him to earn love and acceptance.
Father beats his daughter. How does physical punishment affect a child's psyche?
It is very difficult for a woman who has grown up under the auspices of a cruel father to shed the burden of sacrifice and take a sober look at her own life. Swearing, spanking and even real blows leave an indelible mark on her psyche.
To understand the emotional state of a child, we can draw an analogy with the wild. An animal, when attacked, runs away, bites, scratches, seeks shelter. He has a simple motivation - to survive. But what is a little girl to do when her own father is “hunting” for her? The same person who was supposed to protect her? nine0003
Of course, the first thing she will do is seek support from her mother. But what protection can be expected from her if she has already allowed such methods of education? She can take the side of her father, ignore what is happening, or only sadly ask for forgiveness for not being able to protect her.
In most cases, weak and dependent women live with tyrants, who are deprived of both moral strength and means of independent existence . They are broken. Even if someone else points out problems in the family, such a woman will deny what is happening with all her might: “The father punished his daughter for bad behavior!”, “You completely misunderstood everything!” nine0003
The world is falling apart in the eyes of such a girl. It grows with a sense of total injustice and devastation. With age, when the ability of introspection appears, it begins to acquire complexes. “How is it, others have normal families - mom, dad and daughter. They love each other. Why doesn't anyone love me? Why am I worse than the rest? She begins to be haunted by the obsessive thought that she is unworthy of good treatment.
Physical abuse is inappropriate in education if you want to grow up a mentally healthy and full-fledged personality! nine0203
Remarkably, most of the daughters of tyrants at the reception of a psychotherapist admitted that one father's look or a stern word was enough to make the blood freeze in the veins. To do this, he did not have to take a belt in his hands.
And now the girl has grown up, what kind of relationships can she have with others? There are two patterns of behavior:
- Resigned victim. nine0098 When faced with cruelty, she becomes numb. Her subconscious tells her "do not resist, otherwise it will get worse." Because of this attitude, a girl can get into many varieties of abusive relationships. She will not be able to quit her despotic boss, stop communicating with a manipulative friend, or divorce her husband - an exact copy of her father. Her life is a big unconscious attempt to resolve an internal conflict and prove to herself that such relationships can be turned to her own good, but, as a rule, nothing comes of it. nine0012
- Warrior. The father hates his daughter, and instead of breaking down under his pressure, she becomes stronger and more resilient. The girl grows up with an understanding: you need to achieve absolute power in order to gain immunity. As a result, she avoids relationships, preferring career advancement and rivalry with men. Or a physically weak, spineless guy who "definitely won't offend" becomes her partner. But at the same time, his tongue does not turn out to be called a man: he is dependent on his companion both morally and materially. nine0012
But do not forget that violence can be not only physical, but also moral . If a father constantly insults an adult daughter and treats her with disdain, one should not be surprised that she will be reluctant to leave her grandchildren with her parents. A woman will by all means avoid communication with a man who depreciated all her achievements and made her doubt her own significance .
7 reasons why a daughter and a father do not get along because of the mother
Father and daughter is a union that largely influences the perception of the world and relationships in an adult woman. But often the usefulness of this union is violated by the mother. How? There are seven main reasons:
- Programming for the skills of an ideal wife. From childhood, the baby hears: “If you don’t learn how to clean the floor, no one will marry you”, “Be careful, you’re a girl, not a single groom will look at you like that”, “Well, who will need you, since you even cook soup can not?" There is nothing wrong with neatness itself, the ability to cook food and clean the apartment. But this presentation gives the girl a flawed idea of men: they will love me only if I am able to serve.
- Sexual taboo. As soon as the daughter crosses the threshold of adolescence, many mothers begin to repeat: "You must be inaccessible!", "They all need only one thing", "I still needed you to bring in the hem!". The girl catches the general leitmotif of these phrases: men are rapists, aggressors, sex is dirty and lewd. nine0202 The older she gets, the more clearly she feels sexual desire, which she perceives as something shameful against the background of maternal prohibition.
Sexual illiteracy is the most common cause of early teen pregnancies and STDs. A frank conversation will help to avoid a lot more problems than a strict ban.
- Pressure on marriage and children. This error is in dissonance with the second one, which creates enormous pressure on the psyche. As soon as the girl has left adolescence, full of prohibitions, restrictions and suppression of her own emotions, she is told that the secret of a woman's happiness is her husband, home and family. And ideally, all this should be acquired as soon as possible - up to 25 years, otherwise it will be too late later. Just think: at first, a girl lives for many years with the idea that men are preoccupied, sex is dirt, and a child “brought in a hem” is a shame, and now all this is insistently demanded of her. nine0202 She is going through a traumatic substitution of concepts, which is often fraught with the loss of her own ambitions and desires . After all, why want something, strive somewhere, if her only place in this world is next to a man. This is how my father and mother live, which means that I have nowhere to go.
- Hyper care. Between the ages of 14 and 16, a mentally healthy teenager undergoes a natural process of separation. The girl is already beginning to feel like an adult girl and strives to make decisions on her own. She needs to be given such an opportunity if the choice does not concern issues of life and health. If a girl grows up under her mother's "heel" she will will be confirmed in the idea that it is simply not adapted to autonomous existence.
- Formation of a negative image of the Pope. It happens that a woman, angry at the father of her children, begins to denigrate his image in all possible ways. She can tell the girl about what a useless head of the family he is, how little money he earns, or even accuse her of being similar to him, “What are your interests? All in your dad!" If a daughter was turned against her father in childhood, she is it will be hard to accept him into your heart again, even if the parents reconcile.
- Intimidation of paternal retribution. “When your father comes home from work, he will give you the first number!”, “You can’t even imagine what awaits you when I tell my father!” - the mother utters these phrases in the hope of "restraining" the guilty daughter, but in the end she makes a double mistake. firstly, she destroys her own authority, and secondly, recognizes her father as a tyrant, capable only of corporal punishment and approves of his position. nine0098
- Clarification of relations with the daughter. No child should see their parents quarreling. And even more so should not be a judge in this process. But it often happens that a mother emotionally attracts her daughter: “Did you hear what your father said?”, “Come up and tell me which side you are on.” The girl stops feeling that her home is a comfortable and safe place, and her parents can be trusted.
Parents CANNOT play good cop and bad cop with their child. Mother and father should solve problems together and adhere to the same parenting methods. nine0003
How to solve communication problems with your father?
Sometimes the words that parents choose to communicate sound so rude that it seems as if the father hates the adult daughter, does not respect her, devalues her. In this guide, we have compiled the most actionable tips to help the adult daughter and father of learn how to communicate painlessly with each other. I also recommend an article on how to get rid of hatred.
- See positive intent. nine0098 For example, you decide to change your job, and your father says to you: “You can’t do it”, “People like you are not expected there!” It sounds insulting, but you try to ask again: do I understand correctly that you are worried about me and want to support ? Sometimes, through loud and rude phrases, you can hear sincere words of participation.
- Appreciate care and defend your position. Father says: “You are already 27, and you are still not married, how come!” It presses and depresses, especially if you are not aware of the nature of this phenomenon. Most often, people of the older generation adhere to conservative views on being and family. It is difficult for them to understand the ambitions of their adult children. nine0097 Try to stop the flow of moaning about your failure with one phrase: “Dad, I really appreciate your concern and I can see what you are going through. But I’m doing well and I’m happy – you don’t have to worry so much!”
- Be specific about your feelings. Never say generalizing phrases “You always don’t listen to me!”, “You are always dissatisfied with everything!” - substantiate them. For example: “I’m sorry that you didn’t hear my point of view regarding the university - it’s very important for me now.” This is how two people who respect each other solve problems. nine0012
- Feel free to set personal boundaries . It can be very difficult for a parent to realize that his child has already grown up and has the right to personal space, interests, and time. For example, on you can directly ask: “Dad, let's agree that you will warn me in advance when you go to visit. I love you and am always glad to see you, but sudden visits greatly disrupt my plans and disrupt my work schedule” . If your parent decided to be offended by such a request and expose you as an ungrateful daughter who left her parents to their fate, this is their choice. In fact, it is not as scary as the complete loss of control over your own life. nine0012
- Don't tell anything about which you don't want advice . Dad, it's always dad - and the daughter for him will always be an unintelligent baby who needs to be taught everything. Therefore, talk about your life without unnecessary details if you know that parental concern and mentoring will be redundant.
- Get ahead of . If your father regularly interrupts you from personal affairs with any requests - get ahead of him. Call him and ask if he needs help in the coming days? nine0098 This way you will let him know that you care and will be able to plan your own time.
A healthy relationship between parents and children is a colossal work for each of the parties.