Home » Misc » Detaching from people

Detaching from people


Why You May Experience Emotional Detachment and What to Do About It

Emotional detachment is an inability or unwillingness to connect with other people on an emotional level. Being emotionally detached helps protect some people from unwanted drama, anxiety, or stress.

For others, detachment isn’t always voluntary. Instead, it’s the result of events that make the person unable to be open and honest about their emotions.

Below you’ll read about the different types of emotional detachment and learn when it’s a good thing and when it might be worrisome.

Emotional detachment describes when you or others disengage or disconnect from other people’s emotions. It may stem from an unwillingness or an inability to connect with others.

There are two general types. In some cases, you may develop emotional detachment as a response to a difficult or stressful situation. In other cases, it may result from an underlying psychological condition.

Emotional detachment can be helpful if you use it purposefully, such as by setting boundaries with certain people or groups. Boundaries can help you maintain a healthy distance from people who demand much of your emotional attention.

But emotional detachment can also be harmful when you can’t control it. You may feel “numbed” or “muted.” This is known as emotional blunting, and it’s typically a symptom or issue that you should consider working with a mental health professional to address.

Learn more about emotional blunting here.

People who are emotionally detached or removed may experience symptoms such as:

  • difficulty creating or maintaining personal relationships
  • a lack of attention, or appearing preoccupied when around others
  • difficulty being loving or affectionate with a family member
  • avoiding people, activities, or places because they’re associated with past trauma
  • reduced ability to express emotion
  • difficulty empathizing with another person’s feelings
  • not easily sharing emotions or feelings
  • difficulty committing to another person or a relationship
  • not making another person a priority when they should be

Emotional detachment can slowly build over time, or it may occur more rapidly in response to an acute situation. Though everyone is different, some signs and symptoms to watch for include:

  • inability to feel emotions or feeling empty
  • losing interest in enjoyable activities
  • becoming less involved in relationships
  • showing little or no empathy toward others
  • being harsh or unkind to others

If you suspect you may be developing emotional detachment, you should consider talking with your doctor. They can help identify your symptoms and recommend potential treatment options.

Emotional detachment may develop due to a variety of potential causes, which can include:

  • constant exposure to bad or unpleasant news
  • traumatic experience
  • abuse
  • side effects of certain medications
  • conditioning as a child due to parental or cultural expectations

Emotional detachment may be voluntary. Some people can choose to remain emotionally removed from a person or situation.

Other times, emotional detachment results from trauma, abuse, or a previous encounter. In these cases, previous events may make it difficult to be open and honest with a friend, loved one, or significant other.

By choice

Some people choose to proactively remove themselves from an emotional situation.

This might be an option if you have a family member or a colleague that you know upsets you greatly. You can choose not to engage with the person or persons. This will help you remain cool and keep calm when dealing with them.

In situations like this, emotional detachment is a bit like a protective measure. It helps you prepare for situations that may trigger a negative emotional response.

As a result of abuse

Sometimes, emotional detachment may result from traumatic events, such as childhood abuse or neglect. Children who live through abuse or neglect may develop emotional detachment as a means of survival.

Children require a lot of emotional connection from their parents or caregivers. If it’s not forthcoming, the children may stop expecting it. When that happens, they may begin to turn off their emotional receptors, as in the case of reactive attachment disorder (RAD). RAD is a condition in which children cannot form bonds with their parents or caregivers.

That can lead to depressed mood, inability to show or share emotions, and behavior problems.

Other conditions

Emotional detachment or “numbing” is frequently a symptom of other conditions. You may feel distant from your emotions at times if you have:

  • post-traumatic stress disorder
  • bipolar disorder
  • major depressive disorder
  • personality disorders

Medication

Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are a type of antidepressant. Some people who take this type of drug may experience emotional blunting or a switched-off emotional center, particularly at higher doses.

This period of emotional detachment may last as long as you take these medications. Doctors can help you find another alternative or help to find the right dosage if the medication affects you in this way.

Emotional detachment isn’t an official condition like bipolar disorder or depression. Instead, it’s often considered one element of a larger medical condition.

Conditions might include personality disorders or attachment disorders.

Emotional detachment could also be the result of acute trauma or abuse.

A healthcare professional may be able to see when you’re not emotionally available to others. They may also talk with you, a family member, or a significant other about your behaviors.

Understanding how you feel and act can help a provider recognize a pattern that could suggest this emotional issue.

Asperger’s and emotional detachment

Contrary to popular belief, people living with Asperger’s, which forms part of the Autism spectrum disorder, are not cut off from their emotions or the emotions of others.

In fact, experts indicate they may feel others’ emotions more intensely even if they do not show typical outward signs of emotional involvement, such as changes in affect or facial expressions. This can lead to them taking additional steps to avoid hurting others, even at their own expense.

Treatment for emotional detachment depends on the reason it’s occurring.

If your healthcare professional believes you’re experiencing problems with emotional attachment because of another condition, they may suggest treating that first.

These conditions might include depression, PTSD, or borderline personality disorder. Medication and therapy are often helpful for these conditions.

If the emotional detachment symptoms result from trauma, your doctor may recommend psychotherapy, also known as talk therapy. This treatment can help you learn to overcome the impacts of the abuse. You may also learn new ways to process experiences and anxieties that previously upset you and led to emotional detachment.

For some people, however, emotional distance isn’t problematic. In that case, you may not need to seek any treatment.

However, if problems with feeling or expressing emotions have caused issues in your personal life, you may want to seek out treatment or other support. A therapist or other mental health provider can provide treatment, though you may find that talking first to your primary care provider can help connect you with those who can help.

For some people, emotional detachment is a way of coping with overwhelming people or activities. You choose when to be involved and when to step away.

In other cases, however, numbing yourself to emotions and feelings may not be healthy. Indeed, frequently “turning off” your emotions may lead to unhealthy behaviors, such as an inability to show empathy or a fear of commitment.

People that live through trauma or abuse may find it difficult to express emotions. This may cause people to seek other, negative outlets for those feelings, such as drug or alcohol misuse, higher risk sexual behaviors, or other behaviors that can lead to involvement with law enforcement.

Emotional detachment occurs when people willingly or unwillingly turn off their connection with their emotions. This may be intentional, such as a defensive mechanism on emotionally draining people, or unintentional due to an underlying condition or medication side effect.

If you have difficulty processing emotions or you live with someone who does, you may want to consider seeking help from a mental health provider. They can offer support and treatment to help you understand how you process emotions and respond to others and activities.

How to Tell It’s Time to Let Go of That Relationship I Psych Central

Whether it’s a complicated romantic relationship or a toxic one with family, there are times you just have to let go.

We’ve all experienced relationships that felt too involved or emotionally draining. These unhealthy relationships can be draining both mentally and physically.

Sometimes, detaching from them is the best way to take care of your mental health and well-being.

There are several reasons you may need to detach from a relationship.

If there’s physical or verbal abuse, if the relationship is causing you undue stress and anxiety, if you’ve noticed a change in your mood when around that person — these are just some of the reasons why it may be time to consider detaching yourself emotionally from that relationship.

But whatever the reason, understanding why you need to detach and how to do it can help you move on in a way that’s best for you.

There are a couple of ways to think about detachment.

It can mean avoiding certain people or situations that are causing you stress or anxiety, which can sometimes lead to “emotional numbing,” or the dampening of emotions.

Or, it can mean building and maintaining boundaries to preserve your mental health. By setting clear boundaries in your relationships, you can avoid the feelings of stress, anger, resentment, and disappointment that often build up when limits are pushed or ignored.

Now that you have a better idea of what emotional detachment is, it’s also a good idea to understand what detachment is not.

It doesn’t mean that you aren’t able to feel or that you lack emotions, nor does it mean you lack empathy. While emotional detachment can be a symptom of depression, voluntary detachment isn’t an indication that you have depression.

Rather, it’s about building healthy boundaries to make your expectations clear and establish what behavior is comfortable for you and what is not.

While some people view voluntary detachment as “rude” or “unfeeling,” that’s rarely the intention of the person detaching from the relationship.

There are several reasons why people may feel they need to emotionally detach from a relationship — whether that’s an intimate relationship or a complicated family one.

Some of those reasons include:

  • past experiences (neglect, abuse, or trauma)
  • personal choice
  • medication use, such as antidepressants
  • other mental health conditions, such as PTSD, depression, or a personality disorder

When deciding whether to detach from a relationship, identifying your reasons for detaching can be helpful in your decision making.

If you can’t figure out why you’re detaching, consider reaching out to a healthcare or mental health professional. Talking with someone may help you determine why you’re doing it and how to do it in a way that’s best for you.

Detaching from a relationship doesn’t mean you’re abandoning that person or that you’ve stopped caring about them.

It can mean taking a step back to evaluate how that relationship is affecting you and your mental health.

Do you obsessively worry about that person all the time? Do you try to rescue them from making choices you don’t feel are healthy?

Do you feel that you have to tell them what to do all the time? Does that person do the same to you?

Taking responsibility for another person’s actions and behaviors can be tiring and overwhelming at times. In the same way, having another person trying to tell you how to act and behave can be equally frustrating.

Detaching can give you the emotional space you need to take care of yourself. Sometimes, caring too much about another person’s life and problems can have a negative impact on your own emotional and physical health.

You may start to have headaches, lose sleep, or be more irritable. Excessive worry can lead to anxiety, fear, or panic.

So, when do you know it’s time to let go?

When your health depends on someone else’s actions and behaviors, it may be time to consider letting them go.

Now that you’ve made the decision that it’s time to let someone go, how do you actually do it? Here are some things you can try.

Identify the reason

Ask yourself why you’re now deciding to detach from the relationship. Having a solid reason to let go is important.

Without a strong reason, you may cave in and stay in the relationship. When identifying the reason you want to get out of the relationship, try to focus on the things that are progressive, rather than one-off issues.

For example, try to focus on the fact that your feelings for that person have changed over time, not that you got in your first fight.

Release your emotions

Releasing the emotion you feel about getting out of a difficult relationship is an important step in the process.

Whether you choose to cry, dance, or take a kickboxing class, it’s a good idea to release these emotions rather than bottle them up. By having an outlet for these emotions, you’ll be able to release the tension and avoid saying something you’ll regret.

Don’t react, respond

When leaving a relationship, there will inevitably be a difficult conversation.

During that conversation, the other person may say something that causes you to have a reaction. Reaction is a split-second decision and often can lead to regret.

Instead, take a deep breath and respond thoughtfully. By allowing the other person some space in the conversation and letting yourself take a moment to think more clearly, it’ll be a more productive conversation.

Start small

Just like smoking, quitting a relationship cold turkey can be painful and a shock to your system.

In some cases, you might consider starting small, slowly removing yourself a little at a time.

For example, start by one day deleting pictures of the two of you. Another day, delete their old messages. As you gently let go, your emotions will stay in check.

In other cases — like if the relationship is traumatic or involves domestic abuse or mistreatment — moving slowly may make things worse and cause more distress. Consider talking about next steps with a professional who specializes in these types of relationships.

Keep a journal

As you let go of a relationship, you’ll feel some big emotions. While it can be difficult to talk about them with other people, it can be helpful to work through your emotions in some way.

A journal can be a great way to process your feelings in a healthy, cathartic way.

Meditate

Meditating can train your awareness and attention, which can be especially helpful during a highly emotional break-up.

Meditation can also increase your focus, reduce your stress, encourage calm, and help reduce negative feelings.

Be patient with yourself

Walking away from a relationship that was important to you can be challenging. So, try to give yourself some grace and patience to move on.

Remember that you can learn how to have healthy attachments. It’s all a process, and you can enjoy the journey along the way.

Look forward

If you’re focused on looking at what your relationship used to be like, it will be increasingly difficult to walk away from it. It’s natural to look back and see only the best in a person or a relationship.

But looking back will leave you stuck in the relationship.

Instead, look to the future. Think about your future happiness, rather than glorify the past.

If you’re in an unhealthy romantic relationship that involves abuse or mistreatment, there are some additional steps you may want to take.

Try to avoid sexual contact

Try to stop all sexual contact with the person you’re leaving. Sexual contact can strengthen your attachment and make it nearly impossible to successfully leave the relationship.

Try to stay away from alcohol or drugs

As tempting as it might be to temporarily forget about the pain and work of leaving a relationship, alcohol and drugs provide only temporary forgetfulness of the problem.

They won’t solve the issues and can actually be more harmful, as they can contribute to your attachment to the relationship.

Instead of looking for an escape in alcohol or drugs, try to face your feelings and the relationship head-on.

Consider joining a support group

Remember that you’re not alone. There are support groups available where you can share your experiences with others who’ve been in your shoes.

By joining a support group, you’ll connect with a group of people who know what it’s like to escape these types of relationships and can offer guidance and support during your journey.

If an in-person support group is too overwhelming for you, consider a virtual one.

Consider asking for help

Having the support of loved ones can play a role in you successfully leaving an unhealthy or harmful relationship.

Consider asking people you trust for their support and love during this challenging time. Explain that you might need them more during the coming months and communicate your challenges.

Remember: They love you and want to help.

If you’ve experienced an unhealthy relationship that involves abuse or mistreatment, seeking help from a licensed mental health professional can be beneficial to your mental health.

It will allow you to process your experience and come out the other side stronger and more able to form healthy attachments in the future.

If you find yourself in an unhealthy relationship, consider that it may be time to let that relationship go.

This, of course, is easier said than done. Sometimes it’s hard to leave because you’re so entwined with that person, and sometimes it’s hard to leave because the other person doesn’t want to let you go.

Remember that detaching doesn’t mean you’re cruel or selfish.

When it comes to your emotional health, taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for your overall well-being.

the consequences of social isolation - T&P

The brain of a person isolated from contact with other people is capable of performing strange metamorphoses with his consciousness, - says Michael Bond, author of articles on the psychology of human behavior and the book The Power of Others.

T&P publishes a translation of his article on the consequences of social isolation for a person and his perception of the real world.

Ordinary girl Sara Shurd spent about two months in Tehran's Evin prison: she heard extraneous steps, saw lights, spent most of her time on all fours and listened to what was happening behind the closed door. That summer, 32-year-old Sarah, accompanied by two of her friends, set off to travel through the mountains of Iraqi Kurdistan. On the border with Iran, they were arrested on suspicion of espionage and taken into custody. Sarah spent about ten thousand hours in solitary confinement, she was haunted by hallucinations. “With peripheral vision, I fixed flashes of light, but when I turned my head, they immediately disappeared,” the girl said in an interview with The New York Times in 2011. — Once I heard someone screaming. This cry was in my ears until one friendly guard brought me to my senses. It turned out that I was screaming myself. nine0005

From time to time we all want to be alone, away from the crowd and conversations with colleagues. But loneliness within a group of people and alone with yourself are two different things. For the vast majority of people, prolonged social isolation is detrimental to psychological health. We are familiar with this phenomenon not only from other people's stories, but also from scientific studies and experiments on isolation and social deprivation, many of which were never completed due to the frightening reaction of the test subjects. Why are people able to lose their minds when left alone, and is there a way to avoid insanity in such situations? nine0005

Few would argue that isolation is physically harmful to a person. It is known that single people are more likely to suffer from high blood pressure, they are more vulnerable to viral infections, in addition, they have an increased risk of developing Alzheimer's syndrome and dementia. Loneliness affects well-being: the state of sleep, attention, logical and verbal thinking, causes an immune system disorder, hormonal imbalance, and activates inflammatory processes in the body. What is behind such violations is not completely clear - perhaps the reason lies in evolution - it was physically dangerous for our ancestors to be without the support of their fellow tribesmen. nine0005

In today's world, however, refusing to contact with other people entails not only various kinds of illnesses, but the greatest blow falls on the work of consciousness. For example, isolation affects our perception of time. People who have spent a long time without sunlight have noted the effect of a time shift. Mikel Siffre went on a two-week expedition to study the underground glaciers of the French Alps. After some time, he found that under the influence of darkness his consciousness began to change, and decided to spend another two months underground. The researcher left all measuring instruments outside and lived in accordance with his biological clock. After completing the experiment, Mikel found that two minutes of earth time was equivalent to five of his subjective minutes underground. nine0005

A similar time dilation effect was observed by the sociologist and amateur speleologist Maurizio Montalbini. In 1993, he spent 366 days in an underground cave built by NASA to train astronauts. Maurizio himself was convinced that only 219 days had passed during his absence, his daily cycle had almost doubled. Recent studies have also shown that in the dark, most people adjust to a 48-hour rhythm of 36 hours awake and 12 hours of sleep. The reasons for this phenomenon have not yet been established. nine0005

In the middle of the 20th century, many experiments were carried out on the social deprivation of a person. In the 1950s and 60s, it was believed that the Chinese were using solitary confinement to "indoctrinate" American prisoners of war captured during the Korean War. Around the same time, the U.S. and Canadian Departments of Defense began funding a series of experiments that, from the point of view of modern Western ethics, seemed unacceptable. For example, a study by psychologist Donald Hebb, which took place at McGill University Medical Center in Montreal. The scientists invited volunteers - mostly college students - to live from two to several weeks in soundproof rooms. The goal was to keep the subjects' physical activity to a minimum and look at their reactions. The test subjects were given special ammunition that reduced the ability to perceive information to a minimum: glasses, gloves, cardboard cuffs reaching to the fingertips, U-shaped sound-absorbing pillows that were worn on the head. Air conditioners were installed inside the rooms, whose noise drowned out any external sounds. After just a couple of hours, the volunteers felt anxious, they wanted to regain their ability to feel and tried to break the monotony of their pastime: they tried to speak, sing or read poetry aloud. nine0005

Later, many of them began to behave extremely emotionally and restlessly, isolation also affected their intellectual abilities, the ability to solve arithmetic problems and pass association tests. The most disturbing aftermath was hallucinations—wisps of light turning into lines, spots, and even specific visual images like squirrels carrying backpacks over their shoulders, or a procession of spectacles descending down the street. The subjects did not control their visions: some imagined dogs, others imagined babies. Some had auditory hallucinations: they heard the sounds of a hurdy-gurdy or choral singing. Others have imaginary tactile sensations, as if they were shot in the arm or electrocuted. In the real world, it was not easy for the subjects to shake off this altered perception of reality. It seemed to them that the rooms where they sat were in motion, and the objects of the surrounding world were constantly changing their shape and size. nine0005

Alarm end

The experiment had to be interrupted earlier than planned due to the inability of the students to physically continue the tests - no one could last more than a week in such conditions. Hebb later wrote in American Psychologist that he was alarmed by the results: "It is one thing to read about how the Chinese brainwashed prisoners of war, it is quite another to watch with your own eyes how people deprived of the opportunity to watch, hear and touch people go crazy. "

In 2008, clinical psychologist Ian Robbins, in collaboration with the BBC, repeated Hebb's experiment. He put six volunteers for 48 hours in the soundproof chambers of a former nuclear bunker. The results were similar - the development of anxiety, increased emotionality, obsessive thoughts, mental disorders, hallucinations. Why does the brain of a tactile-deprived person behave this way? Cognitive psychologists believe that the part of the brain responsible for performing current tasks gets used to receiving and processing a large amount of information coming to the senses. Robbins notes that when sources of information disappear, the nervous system still continues to transmit signals to the central processing unit of the brain, despite the falsity of these signals. The brain, in turn, tries to interpret them, creating holistic images on this basis. In other words, he tries to construct a world on the basis of impulses that are weakly reaching him, as a result of which he creates a fantastic reality. nine0005

Such mental deceptions should not surprise us. First, we know that other primates are also poorly adapted to social isolation. Harry Harlow, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, decided to study this issue in the 1960s using rhesus monkeys. Newborn macaques from a few months to a year grew completely alone. They showed anxiety already after 30 days, after a year their ability to social contacts of any level was practically destroyed. Secondly, because a person learns to be aware of his emotions through communication with other people. Biologists believe that it was the cooperation of our ancestors in the distant past that contributed to the evolution of human sensory experience. The primary function of emotions is social. If there is no one who can share with us the feeling of fear, anger, anxiety or sadness, and evaluate their relevance, then a person will live with a distorted idea of ​​himself, an irrational perception of surrounding events and phenomena. nine0005

Currently, there are about 25,000 prisoners in specially protected prisons in the United States. Without social interaction, such prisoners have no way to test the reality of their emotions and the adequacy of their thoughts, argues Terry Coopers, a forensic psychiatrist at the California Institute at Berkeley. This is one reason many people suffer from anxiety, paranoia, and obsession. Craig Haney, a psychologist at the University of California at Santa Cruz and a leading specialist in the mental health of US prisoners, argues that some of them deliberately start an open confrontation with the guards in order to confirm their existence, to remember who they are. nine0005

Coping strategies

Social isolation can destroy a person's consciousness, but there are ways to counter it. Everyone copes in their own way - some better, some worse. Is there a way to protect yourself if you happen to be imprisoned? Scientists do not have a single opinion on this issue, but let's look at examples of those people who managed to avoid insanity after many years spent alone with themselves.

When Sara Shurd was arrested in Iran, she was definitely not ready for it. For any person in such a situation, the world can turn upside down. He has no one to help, no one to share his experiences with. He must find strength in himself and realize all the difficulties that he will have to face. Understand how he can exist in the new reality. nine0005

Hussein Al-Shahristani was Saddam Hussein's chief nuclear adviser. He was imprisoned in the Abu Khraim prison near Baghdad after he refused to support a project to develop an atomic weapon for Iraq. Hussein managed to maintain his sanity during 10 years of solitary confinement, he trained his brain by solving mathematical problems that he composed for himself. Today he works as the Deputy Minister of Energy of Iraq. A similar method was used during her seven-year captivity by the Hungarian communist government by Edith Bohn, MD and translator. She constructed an abacus from slices of stale bread and mentally ran through the six languages ​​she was fluent in. nine0005

Members of military organizations endure isolation relatively easier. Caron Fletcher, a consultant psychiatrist who works with ex-POWs, says the detentions and interrogations he endured while serving in the RAF are good preparation for his own conclusion. “You learn the basics of resistance,” he says. “Besides, you believe that your friends and colleagues will turn themselves inside out to free you. In my opinion, military people are less likely to succumb to despair in a difficult situation. Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness can play a trick on you, they undermine morale and the will to live. "

US Senator John McCain proved by his own example that a military mentality provides psychological advantages in this matter. The five and a half years he spent in prison in Vietnam only strengthened his spirit. About two years of his imprisonment, he says this: “Solitary confinement is a terrible thing. They crush your spirit and weaken your ability to resist more than any other form of cruelty . .. Despair seizes you immediately. It is your main enemy for the period of confinement." nine0005

Extreme reality

Psychologists who study how people cope with the effects of isolation have learned a lot from the experiences of the pioneers and climbers. For many adventurers who voluntarily withdraw from society, being in contact with nature can serve as an effective substitute for face-to-face contact. Norwegian psychologist Gro Sandal from the University of Bergen conducted a survey of a group of travelers on how they cope in extreme conditions alone, and noted that the ability to accept the situation is the main method of solving this problem: “Then they feel safe, feel less alone ". A similar psychological phenomenon explains why shipwrecked and stranded sailors develop fictitious friends, and sometimes groups of imaginary associates, with whom they try to share loneliness. Such madness is simply a defense mechanism. As in the story of the traveler Ellen MacArthur and her trimaran called Moby. During her circumnavigation in 2005, the girl sent letters to friends with the signature "Love, E. and Moby." In her public records on the Internet, she used the pronoun "we" instead of "I". nine0005

There is no better illustration of the power of loneliness, which can crush one person and liberate another, than the story of Bernard Moitessier and Donald Crowhurst, two participants in the 1968 Sunday Times Golden Globe round-the-world regatta. Moitessier, an ascetic Frenchman, practiced yoga throughout his journey and fed the petrels that landed on his stern - he liked the process so much that the idea of ​​\u200b\u200breturning to civilization became alien to him. Having sailed one more time around the earth, he landed on the island of Tahiti: “I spend all my time on the high seas, because here I am happy,” he said. “Perhaps this will help save my soul.” The second participant, Crowhurst, felt miserable from the start. He left England insufficiently prepared for the event, and from the very beginning of the journey he sent false reports about his whereabouts. He drifted aimlessly for several months off the coast of South America, and his despondency and loneliness only intensified. In the end, he closed himself in his cabin, wrote a suicide note and jumped overboard. His body was never found. nine0005

What conclusion can we draw from these stories of opposition and despair? Obviously, we lose a lot of strength by being outside of society. Isolation, according to writer Thomas Carlyle, is at the root of unhappiness. However, there are more optimistic assessments that are no less true - we can always stay sane, even when we are alone, if we manage to find solace outside our own self. You must always be ready and be able to show stamina. At the same time, one should not underestimate the power of our imagination, which knocks on the walls of solitary confinement, penetrates inside ice caves and introduces us to imaginary friends. nine0005

Complete isolation: what can be good in life without communication?

  • Madeleine Dory
  • BBC Capital

Sign up for our 'Context' newsletter to help you understand what's going on.

Image copyright, Getty Images

BBC Capital 's reporter for one month withdrew face-to-face contact with friends and acquaintances to see how it would affect her work. The results surprised her. nine0066

The secret to success in life can be very simple.

I have interviewed many very famous artists, writers and entrepreneurs in the creative industry, and when asked how they manage to do so much, to be so productive, they usually answer: “You see, I am almost out of society. there is no other life but work."

Where does the time go

I am a freelancer, I work from home, unlike my friends who have to rush to the office every morning. nine0005

As for me, active communication with friends is a basic need of any person.

However, when I began to figure out how much precious time I was wasting on this very communication, I realized that perhaps I was overdoing it.

  • Five Strange But Scientific Ways to Focus Better
  • Online Poll: The Best Time to Get Alone
  • Attention Sustainability: Less Than a Goldfish?
  • Culture shock: business communication in different countries

I calculated that on average 22 hours or more per week I spend on parties. And I decided to completely cut off all face-to-face contacts with friends and acquaintances for a month and see how this will affect my work, health and well-being.

I realized that sometimes I went somewhere simply out of fear of missing out on something important, because I couldn't say no, but also because I wanted to find a decent excuse to take a break from work.

Image copyrightGetty Images

Image caption,

Moments of reflection and wandering thoughts are very important for creative work

So, for a month I refused to meet in a cafe for a cup or two of coffee or a glass or two of wine, from joint dinners, parties and any other events, unrelated to my work.

After 31 days

On the first day of the experiment, I had to deal with a deep-seated fear of missing out on something important.

For me, this is often associated with what I call the tyranny of choice: when there are several options to spend a Saturday night, and you are tormented by not knowing which one to choose. nine0005

But as time went on day by day, this anxiety began to subside and I became more relaxed.

Now my only option for Saturday night was to stay at home, and this restriction made my life easier in a strange way.

I used to scold myself when I stayed at home on a Friday night or left a party too early.

However, during the experiment, I felt unexpected satisfaction from working, reading, or watching movies at home. And I don’t get hung up on what would be more interesting that I could do instead. nine0005

A life devoid of entertainment has allowed me to do "deep work immersions" (as computer science professor Cal Newport calls the ability to focus on particularly difficult tasks).

I was no longer distracted by the thought that I could spend this time in some other way, more fun.

I began to manage to build into my working week such "pockets" of special concentration, the time of which used to be eaten by parties.

On Friday evening, I could now deal with urgent bureaucratic issues, and on Saturday morning I could write an article, sitting in a cafe. nine0005

Feel the beauty of idleness

In addition to the fact that I have more time to work, I began to notice changes in my well-being.

I started cooking more at home, exercising daily, going to bed earlier, reading more and generally enjoying the moments of rest and idleness during the day.

Despite all the new activities for which I have time, this very time has become much more than I expected. So I was faced with idleness and loneliness. nine0005

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

For fear of missing out, we fill our calendars with things we could do without

I've learned to find beauty in doing nothing and enjoying moments of solitude.

I began to walk more without a specific goal, I sat in a cafe, not looking at my smartphone, and plunged into dreams, not trying to fill every minute of my life with something.

Such thoughtfulness and aimless wanderings of thought are very important for creative activity. nine0005

Your mind is immersed in memories, emotions, and accumulated knowledge at a depth it can rarely reach in ordinary moments, notes Amy Fries, author of Dreaming While Working: Awaken Your Creativity and editor of the journal "Psychology Today".

During the experiment, new ideas regularly came into my head, I figured out how to remake existing projects.

  • Scientists: marriage and close friends protect against dementia
  • Scientists: It's easier to speak another language if you drink a little

Doing nothing can be just as refreshing and energizing as socializing. We need it, emphasizes Pedro Diaz, Executive Director of the Sydney Institute for Mental Health in the Workplace (Australia).

There is also a 2016 study that says the same thing: in its course, 48 people recorded their feelings about their mental state, mood, fatigue and stress for 12 days. nine0005

Extrovert behavior was found to improve mood and energy levels. But at the same time, this behavior led to a higher level of fatigue, coming after only three hours.

The study group was, of course, small, but nevertheless the results confirm that any purposeful social activity - be it work, study or a party - has its consequences for our health.

And this raises a serious question: maybe it's not work and communication as such that lead to overwork, but the lack of proper pauses, breaks? nine0005

"We don't understand the importance of periods of loneliness. And most people don't even know what they need to do to properly rest their nervous system and brain," says Diaz.

In our society, where the only criterion for success is work, it is quite difficult to come to terms with the idea that the inevitable consequence of this work can be abstinence from communication.

Image copyright, Getty Images

Image caption,

Extrovert behavior leads to higher levels of fatigue

"When you let people know you're very busy, it's like a signal of your high status, your importance, your being in demand," says Silvia Belezza, co-author of a Harvard Business School study that says people view lifestyle with

Pitfalls of life without friends

The positive effects of living alone - for example, greater clarity of thought, a feeling of replenishment of mental resources - may lose their appeal when alone takes too long

For many, working in an office, communicating with colleagues is one of the important elements of work, and those who have a best friend - one of the colleagues, are seven times more likely to actively engage in work.

Workplace camaraderie enhances a sense of common purpose and peer support, provides professional advice, and leads to career advancement.

Of course, communication outside of work is also an important way to establish contacts with colleagues.

Just one month out of communication did not affect my relationship with existing clients. But if I continued the life of a hermit, I would have fewer opportunities to make new contacts.

Work and leisure

Perhaps we are struggling with the right work-life balance in vain. It looks like better results can be achieved by integrating one into the other.

Ellen Galinsky, president and co-founder of the Family and Work Institute (New York, USA), found that "multi-purpose" people, those whose life is not focused on one thing, who have interests and priorities in different areas, not only at work, they experience more satisfaction from their lives. nine0005

Image copyright, iStock

Image caption,

Socializing and hanging out is only bad when we don't take proper breaks

Skip the Podcast and continue reading.

Podcast

What was that?

We quickly, simply and clearly explain what happened, why it's important and what's next.

episodes

The End of the Story Podcast

"We found that these people tend to be healthier, more successful at work, and more prosperous in their personal lives," says Galinsky. nine0005

"If you focus on only one thing in your life, then there is a danger that everything will go downhill when you fail in this one thing that is important to you. And when there are other things that are important to you - creative hobbies, sports , social work, relationships with friends - you usually achieve more in life.

Learn more