Daddy with son

Engaging in interaction with the child, the father appears to him as another loving adult who helps the child to take his special place, first in the family, and then in the world. In other words, the father outlines the psychological boundaries for the child - makes it possible to understand and experience the optimal distance, first in communication with the mother, and then with all other people.

If a mother loves a child unconditionally, only because she has him, then paternal love is different. The father unconsciously stimulates his son to achieve, master new knowledge and skills, fulfill certain duties - the recognition of which in his son serves as a basis for him to love him. Here is how one of the famous psychologists of the twentieth century, Erich Fromm, expressively writes about this (quoted from The Art of Loving):

“A father's love is conditional love. Her principle is: “I love you because you meet my expectations, because you fulfill your duties, because you are like me. ”

Photo

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5. A natural consequence of self-esteem and self-reliance is the willingness to claim achievement and strive for success that it is the father who forms in the son. Receiving the support of his father, the boy understands: “I can, I can do it” - and this allows him to strive forward. Feeling that his father will protect and help, if necessary, the boy boldly tries, claims, achieves his goal in various ways.

Research by child psychologists has shown that it is communication with daddy that improves the development of the mental abilities of children , when already at the intellectual level the child begins to see more ways to solve the problem and more actively seeks to complete them and come to the correct answer.

It is also interesting that the desire for success induces the boy to master the "rules" of his achievement in the social, adult world - and sensitively learn the norms of communication, winning strategies, follow them. In this sense, the father forms another important thing in the son - the ability to comply with laws and subordinate his behavior to existing principles. The authority that replaced the historical authoritarianism of the father in the family, the father for the boy supports and helps the same.

What can a father teach his daughter? Read more about this in the article “The first man in a girl’s life: 4 important things that only dad can teach a daughter”

Irina Burovikhina

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How to raise a child?

How can a father get along with his teenage son?

• Tags:
• Expert advice
• teenager
• children in the family
• family relationships

Probably, any father raising his son perfectly remembers the flurry of emotions he experienced when he found out that a boy was born. In many cultures, the birth of a son is a matter of special pride and great joy for parents.

But what happens between such close people, if often the dialogue between a busy and possibly tired father and a teenage son often consists of a standard question: “How is school?” and an even more standard response: “Is it okay”? After all, it would seem that these kindred spirits should not have problems in communication. Of course, this situation does not always develop and not for everyone, but more and more often parents (especially dads) and their maturing sons begin to move away over time.

Why are they so far away?

Of course, the problem does not develop overnight. Very often, everything begins gradually, gradually. Everyone is probably familiar with the situation when the role of a working father of a tiny son is reduced to the timely purchase of diapers and baby food, and already a mother who is on parental leave, perhaps with the support of grandmothers, copes well with this care, and also with lots of household chores. At this stage, it is usually quite easy for dad to convince himself that the baby is just too small, but he will grow up . .. But now he has grown up.

How to talk to him?

Let's try to figure out how to talk to a growing son. Previously, a child with all his troubles ran to mom and dad, not doubting that they could help and comfort. Why, having matured, he suddenly moved away? And, most importantly, how to become a close friend of a teenage son again?

A child, and even more so a teenager, reacts very sensitively to intonation. And in response to an incorrectly chosen tone, falseness or indifference can close in, fenced off by a wall of silence or monosyllabic answers. But any teenager (even the most desperate "daredevil" is no exception) needs, first of all, sincere interest and, of course, paternal praise. A mother's love is unconditional: you are, and your mother loves you for it. But daddy's praise and pride still have to be earned, and the more valuable it is for the boy. Dear dads, please find something to praise your son for. But only sincerely, and not "for show"!

Of course, if the son is at fault and the situation calls for a severe debriefing, well, that is your sacred duty, but you shouldn't "moralise" too long. And, first of all, clarify for yourself what exactly you want to convey with an educational conversation, remember yourself in his years - have you really never done anything reprehensible? Of course, you need to understand difficult situations, but in such a way that in case of problems, the son does not feel embarrassed when turning to you for advice.

Father's authority

In adolescence, any boy needs a man next to him, whose authority will be indisputable for him. Even the most hopeless "mother's sons" find such a person in their environment: if this person is not dad (after all, there are single-parent families), then grandfather, uncle, teacher, coach can become this person. But if this is the norm for an incomplete family, then in a complete family, the father will still have to make efforts to be an indisputable authority in the eyes of a maturing son. This is difficult if you are far from the interests of your son, and as a sign of attention, just give him another toy. But it should be clear to the father what might be interesting to his schoolboy son. Showing sincere interest in the hobbies of your grown-up boy is one of the ways to win his trust, to become closer spiritually.

In addition, it is the father who can (and should) teach his son to do all the necessary "male" housework. This will definitely come in handy for a teenager in adulthood.

A growing son must definitely allocate time for communication with peers. It will be more convenient for the father in this situation to prioritize: first you cope with your duties, then you can be free.

And, of course, one cannot do without a personal example. After all, it is from the father that the boy needs to learn the correct male behavior, the ability to be responsible, organized. Perhaps it makes sense to deal with some of the household chores together, and solving common problems will provide many topics for discussion. Yes, and the dad will have the opportunity to better look at the inclinations and talents of his son and draw certain conclusions. For example, about the fact that it is absolutely not necessary for a future computer genius to torture an innocent violin, but playing sports is more than necessary.

Looking for common interests

Sincere attention to your son's hobbies will allow you to find common, interesting topics for both of you. Yes, this is not difficult, since almost all boys love technology and computer games, and, in addition, a significant part of grown-up sons are interested in sports and / or modern music. Of course, in order to discuss these topics with your son, you will have to get at least a general idea of ​​what he listens to and what he plays. Perhaps it would not be superfluous even to arrange a home championship, defeating computer monsters or attend a concert of your favorite rock band with your son, watch films that interest him, read books that he is delighted with. It may not be exactly the literature or music that you like, but you will always have something to discuss! Argue, debate, even let yourself be defeated in an argument. Try to expand the circle of his interests - teach him to read more serious literature and listen to more complex music.

A few tips to help you build the right line of communication

• Remember that it is unacceptable to communicate with your grown-up son in the same way as you communicated with him when he was still a baby. A teenager wants his father to treat him like an adult, so leave behind childish jokes, tender nicknames, but at the same time try not to lose the thread of trust that binds you.

• Specialists in dealing with adolescents advise avoiding excessive openness and direct questions. Keep in mind that a teenage son can become secretive, and therefore he sets some boundaries in discussing his own experiences, which the father is obliged to respect.

• Of course, when discussing the topic of communication between fathers and teenagers, one cannot ignore the topic of physiology. And, most likely, it is the education of the right attitude towards the opposite sex. Alas, we live in a world where it is quite easy to get information on any issue, the ubiquitous Internet is in every phone. The task of the father is to help the son overcome the period of the first love, to help him become more self-confident, to courageously survive the first disappointments. As the experience of many parents who are faced with a difficult adolescence shows, it is not so easy to talk about love, friendship, friends with their sons. Children are in no hurry to open up to their parents, so it will take a lot of effort from you to maintain a trusting relationship, and at the moment when your son needs advice, be there.

• Do not wait, and even more so, do not demand that a teenager take the first steps towards discussing painful topics - in this situation, the father should be the initiator of the conversation.

• Never treat your son's problems as something unimportant, and do not say that all this is trifles and trifles. Show that you give him complete freedom in relationships, are interested in his opinion, trust in making important decisions and, regardless of the outcome, will be on his side.

• During the period of growing up, it is important for your son to have a reliable shoulder nearby, a friend who will understand and support, but will not solve the problem instead of him, but will give advice and come to the rescue.

• Do not be offended if your son does not appreciate your efforts, remember that it is at this moment that he most urgently needs you, although he himself may not understand this, be rude and ask to be left alone.

• If you are interested in maintaining and strengthening relationships, be sensitive and wise. Do you want to share your life experience with him, which will help him avoid many problems? Act according to the situation, do not hesitate to tell him not only about your victories, but also about mistakes, failures and ways to eliminate them. But at the same time, trying to protect a growing child from stupid acts, do not deprive him of the right to make his own mistakes and do not prevent him from making his own choice.

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