Coping with long distance relationships
Therapists Share How to Make Long Distance Relationships Work
After endless searching, you finally found someone worth holding onto. And you’re really happy together. But through certain circumstances, you find yourself separated from the one you love by miles and miles of distance.
No matter how much you love each other, there’s probably a part of you that wonders how or if your relationship will survive the long distance between you.
Long distance relationships can be made easier with the right support, try Lasting:
First of all, be comforted in knowing that long distance relationships can absolutely succeed. In fact, most couples find themselves geographically separated at some point during their dating or marriage relationship.
Many couples even point to a season of long distance as the cornerstone of a stronger relationship.
With that in mind, our team of relationship experts at Lasting have compiled a list of their very best tips for maintaining, surviving, and even thriving in a long distance relationship or long distance marriage.
We hope it’s just a matter of time until you and the one you love are side by side again. But in the meantime, here are some therapist-approved recommendations to strengthen your emotional connection, ease the ache of geographic separation, and help your relationship go the distance.
We are living at a time when we have unprecedented round-the-clock access to one another. For those in a long-distance relationship, devoting extensive free time to catching up can be a tremendous gift—so long as you’re both on the same page about it.
Some couples want to feel connected every hour. Some find it tedious to talk every day. Discuss with each other what works for the general frequency and length of time you will spend texting, talking, or video chatting in a day or week. And be open to modifying your communication tendencies as life creates new and unexpected demands.
Decades of research indicate the most satisfied relationships are those in which each partner successfully responds to the other’s emotional calls.
Emotional calls are the thousands of tiny attempts to connect with each other. It’s one of the concepts explained in depth in the marriage health session of Lasting, the leading relationship health app.
At the core of every emotional call, you’re really asking each other one question:
“Will you be there for me?”
Responding to each other’s emotional calls can seem tricky within a long distance relationship. You can’t physically show up for each other’s milestone days or reassure someone with a hug. But that doesn’t make this crucial element of relationship success any less important.
Instead, long-distance couples may need to be more intentional about responding to each other’s attempts to connect. If you’ve scheduled a time to talk with your partner, make that call a priority, just as you would any work meeting or doctor’s appointment. If your partner has an important day, call or text preemptively to find out how it went.
By weaving your partner’s needs into your day, you’ll demonstrate that you’re there for them, no matter how far apart you might be.
Relationships can be hard, but Lasting is here to help. Get started with a free week:
Doubts, insecurities, and jealousy can run high in long distance relationships simply because you’re spending so much time away from each other. This is why therapists at Lasting recommend using frequent verbal assurances with one another. They help minimize these negative feelings and clarify where you stand as a couple.
The next time you talk, tell your partner how much you love and appreciate your relationship. And if you’re feeling uncertain about where you stand, don’t be afraid to ask for reassurance for yourself. “I love you and wish we could be together today,” is as wonderful to say as it is to hear.
Whether you’re together or far apart, you and your partner will continue to grow and change as life moves forward.
That is both normal and a good thing—even if it forces your relationship to change some in the process.
According to Lasting’s therapists, long distance couples who have a secure attachment together are able to let each other grow and mature. They find ways to stay connected and push each other forward. In a secure attachment relationship, personal growth and change is healthy. It’s a product of security and safety in the relationship.
One of the best things you can do to promote a secure attachment is supporting your partner as they grow in their individual strengths and interests. While it might be frustrating if her new volleyball practice cuts into your nightly catch-up time, it’s important to encourage her to do what she loves—just as she should for you.
Research shows that interdependent relationships are proven to be the healthiest form of relationships for marriage. What does that mean? That means you and your partner do things in sync together while maintaining your own separate identities as individuals.
Chances are your long-distance circumstances are forcing you do to more things independently than you would probably like, which is why it’s really important to identify a few activities you can do remotely but
together.
According to marriage therapist Liz Colizza, having shared experiences with your long-distance partner increases the cohesion of your relationship. “Finding things you can do together as a couple pays off big time in helping you feel more connected. That’s a huge win when it feels like the distance is pulling you in two different directions.”
Whether it’s using Lasting, reading the same book, streaming the same show while talking on the phone, playing games online, listening to the same playlist, or even eating at the same chain restaurant on the same night—all of these can help you and your partner feel more interdependent and, ultimately, more connected.
p.s. Did you know? 94% of couples report new strengths when using the Lasting app together.
Whether you’re living under the same roof or oceans apart, all couples need to learn healthy ways to talk about and resolve conflicts. Bigger problems can arise if you ignore little struggles or are unwilling to address sensitive topics.
One military spouse experienced this when she and her husband were dating long distance. “I never felt comfortable bringing up tricky issues over the phone. But when I went to visit him, I didn’t want to ruin our time together by starting an argument. It created this vicious cycle where I felt I could never share what was bothering me. I would eventually blow up and break up with him. It was so unfair though, because he had no idea anything was even wrong.”
If you’re struggling to bring up difficult topics, using the Lasting app together can help ease you in to those conversations. You can also get more personalized support with a therapist through Talkspace.
Learning how to talk about difficult topics takes time and effort, but it’s essential to the health of your long-distance relationship to not let small problems balloon into bigger ones.
Being separated from the person you’re madly in love with can hardly seem like a positive thing. But where you can’t immediately change your circumstances, you can immediately change your attitude.
One of Lasting’s users shared how he came to appreciate his long-distance status. “I know it sounds crazy, but I loved being in a long-distance relationship. I could devote 100% of my attention to my girlfriend when we were together. When we were apart, I focused on classes and spent time with my friends. That worked really well for us while I was in law school.”
Frustrating as it might seem to be separated, try to think of a few ways your long distance relationship is actually beneficial. Do you have more time for hobbies or working out or spending time with friends and family? Make a list of the positive aspects of long distance and focus on these during the harder days when the distance is really getting to you.
There’s no doubt you’ll have days when your long distance relationship seems especially difficult.
You might even be tempted to do something impulsive—like quit your job or drop out of school—just so you can be together with the person you love.
While that might sound romantic, remember there’s an important reason you’re living far away from the person you love right now. That reason may hinge on a professional, financial, or family situation that needs to play out properly until the timing is right for you both to be together geographically.
Don’t let months or years of progress go to waste out of impatience to finally be together. Your relationship will be stronger in the long run if you finish what you’ve started and finish it well.
Anyone who’s been in a long distance relationship can attest to the underlying heartache of being apart from the person you love. If you’re in a relationship with the person you want to spend your life with, at some point you’ll need to craft a plan to join your worlds together.
Whether this involves a wedding, an engagement, a job change or a relocation, be sure your plan considers the right next step at the right time for both people.
Having the hope of being together long term can help you ride out the toughest days of being apart from one another. That little bit of hope can go a long way toward making the one you love seem not quite so far away.
How do you know if the one you’re into is “The One”? Download Lasting and check out the Dating series.
9 Ways To Cope With Long-Distance Relationships — Guardian Life — The Guardian Nigeria News – Nigeria and World News
Love and Relationships
By Samiat Agbaje
25 July 2021 | 10:23 am
Long-distance relationships definitely have their ups and downs. One of the hardest things about long distance relationships is that it can stand the test of time but it eventually becomes tiring. However, there are a few things that can help with long distance relationship problems and couples who are committed to making things work out…
Online dating | Image: Shutterstock
Long-distance relationships definitely have their ups and downs.
One of the hardest things about long distance relationships is that it can stand the test of time but it eventually becomes tiring.
However, there are a few things that can help with long distance relationship problems and couples who are committed to making things work out can follow them.
Make technology your best friend
The use of technology makes things easier in a long distance relationship. Couples can easily communicate with each other through their mobile phone either by text or call, use their social media accounts to chat, share photos and videos as well as having a video chat from time to time.
Have an end date
After a while of being in a long distance relationship, you will eventually need to see your partner and be together with them. Pick a date that works for both parties to see, do something fun or something you haven’t done in a while and make sure you spend quality time together.
Try doing things together
You necessarily don’t have to be together to do something that interests you.
Plan a film date and watch the same movie at the same time over a video call, play online games, discuss news, gossip and have interesting conversations all together. Play an online game together. Watch a documentary on YouTube at the same time. Sing to each other on Skype while one of you plays the guitar. “Take a walk together” outside while video-calling each other. Go online shopping together — and buy each other gifts.
I miss you | Image: iStock
Be committed to your relationship
Be certain that you’re committed and plan to stay committed to your relationship to avoid wasting each other’s time and this applies to all relationships especially those involved or planning to get involved in a long distance relationship.
Make Plans
Map out and discuss details about all the fun things you and your partner can do together the next time you plan to see. Create a list of things you would like to do together such as fun places you would like to go to when you meet or goals you would like to achieve together as a couple.
Be Confident
Be sure to trust and have confidence in your partner because a lack of confidence can lead to insecurity in your relationship. This may result in excessive calls and texts being sent at the wrong time or for the wrong reasons and can lead to unnecessary tension as one partner begins to check on the other way too much.
Have a schedule and stick to it
Have a fixed date for everything you have planned with your partner and try as much as possible to stick with it. If there’s going to be a cancellation make sure you tell your partner beforehand and pick another date to make it up to them.
Set Boundaries
Make your partner aware of things that make you feel uncomfortable, threatened or insecure in the relationship. Set some rules and boundaries, be sure to keep it in mind and always follow them strictly.
Verbal assurance
Just like any relationship, doubts, insecurities, and jealousy can creep in.
However, they tend to run high in long distance relationships simply because you’re spending so much time away from each other. This is why it is recommended that you engage in frequent verbal assurances with one another.
Guardian Life
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How to make long distance relationships easier
Think you're not made for long distance relationships? This is a big delusion, because if you meet a person you really love, and this is mutual, no kilometers can stop you. Of course, not everyone can withstand such a test, but if you decide, then here are some tips that will help both of you to endure separation more easily.
Talk
Of course, various messengers are much more convenient than Skype , you can be in touch with them all day long. But still, try to talk to each other more often, and not write messages. At least record audio messages to each other! In correspondence, it is impossible to accurately convey intonation, even if you have been together for a long time and know each other perfectly.
Talk about little things
If you feel like you have absolutely nothing to talk about, stop making up topics for conversation every day.
That's what makes it difficult to keep in touch - trying to come up with a topic for conversation. People who are nearby do not need it, and your task is to create the illusion that you are at arm's length. So talk about the little things that a couple living together would talk about. This will bring you closer than talking about dreams and plans for the future.
Don't talk about what separates you
If your loved one has gone to another country, you will certainly be very interested to know how life works there. But the less you ask about it, the better (unless, of course, you are going to move in with him). Because the feeling of a completely alien world will sooner or later begin to be associated with a loved one. And he, too, will become a stranger.
Feel free to express your feelings
Writing cute messages gets boring in the second week, lisping with the handset is somehow stupid, video calls are also not conducive to special tenderness.
But it is important to understand that you need it. You have already lost a huge layer in relationships - lovers express most of their feelings non-verbally: holding hands, hugging and kissing. While you are deprived of this opportunity, you will have to make up for tenderness with words.
Meet regularly
It is clear that the frequency of your meetings depends on many factors: distance, study or work schedule, finances. But you must set a meeting schedule on a "no less than" basis. Can we meet in six months? So be it, but you must know for sure that this meeting will take place. Agree in advance - this is an important tip for long-distance relationships. The "how it goes" option doesn't work. Will not work.
Meet on no man's land
If you are very far apart, choose a point on the map that is convenient for both of you and meet there. Do not allow a situation in which you, for example, sit and wait for him to deign to visit you.
He will also feel uncomfortable, because on your territory you are the hostess, and he is just a guest.
Do something together
Fortunately, modern communication tools allow you to choose together in real time, for example, products for dinner: turn on the same Skype and go to the store. This is incredibly close, because, firstly, it creates the illusion of presence, and secondly, it removes the problem “we have nothing to talk about.”
Do not lie to each other
Lying in a long distance relationship is extremely convenient because the partner will never know that he was deceived. The problem is that you get used to lying. When you are around again, it will be difficult to unlearn to lie and keep back, hiding some uncomfortable moments. Of course, there is no way you can check if your friend is lying to you. But at least don't lie to yourself. This will greatly help your future relationship.
Don't be jealous
Is it possible to love at a distance without jealousy? Jealousy is generally difficult to fight, and in a long-distance relationship it is almost impossible.
Therefore, there is no need to even start - psychologists give such advice. All you can do is trust your partner, there is no other option. This must be taken for granted. If you are not ready, it is better to leave. If he is not ready, it is simply necessary to leave: constantly making excuses will also quickly get bored.
Don't suffer
Don't make your life a waiting room. People are poorly adapted to suffering, our psyche tends to reject everything that is associated with negative feelings. So the more you worry about the fact that he is far away, the sooner you will realize that this alien person in essence annoys you wildly. And stop answering his calls. If this outcome does not suit you, try to worry as little as possible about the fact that he is not around. This is temporary.
how not to go crazy with the grief of separation
01/15/2019
Relationships at a distance - an invention of the young maximalist consciousness or the worst nightmare of any lover? "Distance" is a relative concept: it can be another city, another country, or even another continent.
But the question that hundreds of couples who have agreed to a long-distance relationship ask themselves is always the same: how not to go crazy with the grief of separation, if it takes weeks or even months to wait for the next meeting with your loved one? Today, thanks to his rich experience, Ksyusha Vergelis will answer it.
Set boundaries
You still need to decide where your relationship will go after separation. Long-distance relationships will require more moral resources from you than the type of relationship we are used to, so it is best to save yourself from unnecessary hassle and senseless suffering in advance. There is nothing shameful in the fact that you do not plan to move in, buy a small cozy forest house and give birth to children. If at the moment it is enough for you to meet once or twice in a couple of months, drive together on the sea and have a good time with each other, pourquoi pas? It’s just that you need to decide what you still expect from these relationships, set priorities and set boundaries, as soon as possible.
Call me, call me
Online communication is your lifeline. When people ask me how my boyfriend and I manage to create such a warm and sincere relationship, although we see each other every 2-3 months, I always answer: “We just communicate.”
The opportunity to talk with a partner on any topic, discuss plans for the future and just share your life is the number one must for any relationship. But when it comes to long-distance, Skype or WhatsApp conversations also compensate for the lack of bodily communication (kisses, touches, hugs). Being open and open to dialogue will help you take your relationship to a whole new level. The ability to share your problems, fears, anxieties, express your dissatisfaction or concern are incredibly important skills for any relationship in general, but especially for long-distance relationships.
Trust
“Jealousy is a monster that both conceives and gives birth to itself,” said Shakespeare.
And the writer certainly knew about love no less than modern Romeo and Juliet suffering from separation. Going crazy with jealousy when you don’t know where and with whom your partner can actually be right now is not the best prospect.
The feeling of jealousy that constantly haunts you, the fear of being deceived, the unceasing desire to control the life of your partner is a serious reason to work through the moments that worry you with a specialist. Well, if your partner now and then deliberately throws you reasons for jealousy, it may be worth asking a question about the seriousness of his intentions and your relationship.
Trust should be the axiom of your relationship. You don't need another city or even another district of your city to cheat on, and the feeling that distance gives more reasons for jealousy is completely false. If you are not ready to trust your partner, ask yourself the question: are you ready in principle to build a relationship with him?
Learn to live for yourself
The phrase “I really live only with you” only at first glance sounds very romantic.
In fact, it hides a type of relationship that American psychologists would describe as an "unhealthy relationship." Undoubtedly, rare meetings with your loved one allow you to experience hundreds of positive emotions in three times, but it is important to remember that in between these infrequent (alas!) dates, life goes on.
A breakup can be a great push to do something new. At the very least, to kill time that you could waste in tears and endless self-pity. Maybe you have long wanted to enroll in the hall? Or was there a dozen or two unread books lying around in the bookcase? Think about the opportunity to spend your free time with friends or even master the art of going to the movies alone (sometimes catching zen is even easier than during meditation!).
Learn to enjoy the life around you alone and take the time to explore yourself and learn new things. So the time until the next meeting with your soul mate will fly by much faster.
Create a sense of presence
In order not to remind yourself and your partner that you are miles apart, try to make your online communication as virtual as possible.
For example, if you regularly celebrate some important date together, why not pour yourself some wine and clink glasses right through your computer monitor? Do not abandon your usual rituals and traditions just because you cannot be around right now.
And for your calls it is not at all necessary to choose a secluded room and direct the marathon. You can talk and cook dinner, talk while going to a meeting, when walking down the street or even while sitting in the bathroom. And the message “Good morning” on the smartphone screen will help brighten up the sadness of lonely morning awakenings.
Our couple has a rather funny tradition, or better to say, a habit. When I can't sleep or just feel like I miss my favorite voice terribly, I call my boyfriend and ask him to tell me a story. It is incredibly calming and at the same time brings us closer, creates an atmosphere of warmth, comfort and homeliness around.
Don't forget about sex
Lack of intimacy during a long distance relationship is one of the most difficult tests for lovers.
While you do not have the opportunity to express your feelings through touching, hugging and kissing, you can develop the ability to talk and write about sex and your sexual fantasies, express your desires and discuss with your partner various sexual practices that you would like to try next time you meet.
For those who have never experienced a long-distance relationship, sexting may seem like vulgarity, perversion and dirty fun, but in fact it is a great way to maintain the emotional and intimate life of your relationship at the proper level during the period of separation.
Regular meetings
No matter how cozy and warm your Skype evenings are and no matter how eventful your daily routine is, meetings after a long separation will still be the most joyful and enjoyable moment of your personal life.
And the best way to brighten up the expectation of the next rendez-vous is to be sure that this meeting will still take place.
