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Coping in a dysfunctional family


Dysfunctional Families – How To Cope With & Survive One - Inspiring Life

 

 

 

If you are looking for info on how to cope with and survive DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES then you have come to the right place!

Hey my friend,

So let’s talk about dysfunctional families…

It’s traditionally the sort of thing we only talk about whispers because we all feel like our family is slightly (or very) weird and crazy.

Sometimes it’s hard to put up your hand and say “hey, yep, I totally fall into this category!”

But over time I have discovered that dysfunctional families are more common than the Brady Bunch variety.

Gosh, imagine how much easier would life have been if we only knew that we weren’t alone!

 

Now I admit, it’s tricky to try and define the term dysfunctional families.

 

Accordingly to Wikipedia, a dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehaviour, and often child neglect or abuse on the part of individual parents occur continuously and regularly leading other members to accommodate such actions.

 

Needless to say there are various degrees of dysfunctionality in families.

 

Dysfunctional families can include anything from domestic violence, mental illness, unemployment, drug and alcohol, sexual, verbal or physical abuse to different forms of unhealthy toxicity (including mind-games, manipulation and favouritism) that wreaks havoc on relationships within the family.

The good news is that if you grew up in a dysfunctional family * you are not necessarily destined to recreate the same mistakes with your own children and partner. *

 

 

 

A dysfunctional family is NOT A LIFE SENTENCE.

 

You can learn new and improved ways to parent.

You can make peace with your past.

You can still love deeply and nurture healthier relationships in the future, if you are motivated enough to do so.

 

TEN TV SHOWS ABOUT DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES

 

1 – Married With Children

2 – Everyone Loves Raymond

3 – Roseanne

4 – The Osbournes

5 – Two And A Half Men

6 – Breaking Bad

7 – The Sopranos

8 – Malcolm In The Middle

9 – American Dad!

10 – The Simpsons

 

So how does one cope with and survive having a dysfunctional family?

Here are 10 tips:

 

1. Know you are not alone.

Dysfunctional families are just as common (if not more so) than functional families.

 

2. Practice self care.

You still need to take care of yourself – emotionally, physically and mentally – especially if the other important people in your life tend to drain you.

 

3. Keep your expectations about your family realistic.

At some point you need to accept that you will never, ever be part of The Brady Bunch.

 

4. Seek therapy if you feel like you would benefit from it.

If you think you may be carrying issues from your earlier life forward into your current relationships please see a therapist.

It is absolutely fine to seek help when you need it (in fact, it’s a sign of great strength when we seek to heal and accept the past – in whichever way we need to do it.)

 

5. Minimise contact with toxic family

It’s a simple equation: if family members insist on treating you bad, belittling you, eroding your self-esteem and making you feel generally like TOTAL CRAP, you may simply need to minimize your contact with them.

That doesn’t need you need to cut them out of your life totally (unless you know deep in your heart that they are BEYOND TOXIC and it’s the only solution). 

Instead keep your visits short rather than long and more infrequent rather than weekly. You can even opt to make a quick call to say hi rather than taking a whole day out for an encounter that will only leave you feeling drained and upset.

Do what is best for you!

You are a grownup now. You get to decide!

 

 

6. Allow yourself to feel hurt/angry/rejected/sad

It’s much healthier to release these emotions rather than burying these feeling and keeping them forever bottled in.

Cry it out, write a letter expressing your feelings (even if you never send it) and accept that, however crappy it was, this was your experience.

 

It is what it is and you can’t change the past.

Things that you set free will liberate you.

Things that you keep locked in will destroy you.

 

But at some point you will need to stop dwelling in these negative emotions. You are an adult now and you have a choice to make: future happiness or misery?

 

7. Be honest

You aren’t a little kid anymore. You can be honest and respectfully call out bad behaviour when you see it happening.

Don’t continue to watch it happen and say nothing.

 

8. Let it go

At some point you need to ACCEPT THE PAST and start looking forward.

Where are you now?

Where do you want to go?

And how can we get you there?

 

9. Surround yourself with people who make you feel great

The truth is even though you didn’t get to pick your family as a kid, YOU DO GET TO PICK your social circle as an adult. Surround yourself with friends who nurture you, love you and lift you higher in life.

 

10. Don’t repeat the same mistakes

If something made you feel like crap as a kid or adult, why would you carry the same behavior into the new family you create? Why would you consciously allow your kids to suffer in the same way?

Make a promise to yourslf to behave in a healthier and happier way with your own partner, children and friends from this point forward.

 

 

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, here are 50 quotes to help you process the experience and help you understand that you are not alone.

 

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES

 

1 – You cannot change the people around you, but you can change the people you CHOOSE to be around.

2 – Refuse to inherit dysfunction. Learn new ways of living instead of repeating what you lived through. Thema Davis

3 – You are allowed to terminate your relationship with toxic family members. You are allowed to walk away from people who hurt you. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for taking care of yourself.

4 – Some of the most poisonous people come disguised as family.

5 – Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Very often, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache. Iyanla Vanzant

6 – Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.

7 – People who come from dysfunctional families are not destined for a dysfunctional life. Bo Bennett

8 – We all come from dysfunctional families and these days I guess that’s pretty normal. Carnie Wilson

9 – If you feel you grew up in a family with toxicity, make it your legacy to break the family legacy. Your new motto: the pain stops here. Karin Salmansohn

10 – In general, the more dysfunctional the family, the more inappropriate their response to disclosure. Never expect a sane response from an insane system. Renee Fredrickson

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES

 

11 – Maybe every family is dysfunctional, and that’s the only thing in common throughout the world. Julie Delpy

12 – If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you’ll be going, “you know, we’re alright. We are dang near royalty”.

13 – Sometimes, I regret being nice, apologizing when I didn’t do anything wrong, and for making unworthy people a priority in my life.

14 – Your perspective on life comes from the cage you were held captive in. Shannon L. Alder

15 – In troubled families abuse and neglect and permitted; it’s the talking about them that is forbidden.

16 – Sometimes problems don’t require a solution to solve them; instead they require maturity to outgrow them.

17 – A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it. Mary Karr

18 – Instead of wiping away your tears, wipe away the people who made you cry.

19 – Sometimes you have to accept the fact that perfection doesn’t exist and certain things will never go back to how they used to be.

20 – If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, then there is really no hope for you to have a good relationship. THAT IS ANOTHER MYTH that we have to throw off, so that we can get into what I call reality. Gary Chapman

 

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES

 

21 – Thanksgiving is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under the same roof and hoping the police don’t get called.

22 – Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlours with ice cream and free jewellery. Jerry Seinfeld

23 – People talk about dysfunctional families; I’ve never seen any other kind. Sue Grafton

24 – I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Melissa Gilbert

25 – You can’t treat people like trash and then expect them to love you.

26 – Weddings are never about the bride and groom, weddings are public platforms for dysfunctional families. Lisa Kleypas

27 – I come from a dysfunctional family, so my views of parents and parenting used to be highly mixed. Tamora Pierce

28 – Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops. Joseph Kesselring

29 – The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Richard Bach

30 – With words, I could build a world I could live in. I had a very dysfunctional family, and a very hard childhood. So I made a world out of words. And it was my salvation. Mary Oliver

 

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES

 

31 – My dark comic edge is the end result of trying to use humour to maintain my sanity growing up in a dysfunctional family in Honolulu. Kirby Wright

32 – When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn’t healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits – anything that kept me small. My judgement called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving. Kim McMillen

33 – Toxic people will pollute everything around them. Don’t hesitate. FUMIGATE. Mandy Hale

34 – Only goal as a mother: raise children that don’t have to recover from their childhood.

35 – You never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe in fresher air.

36 – One of the saddest things in life is knowing that the only way they will truly come to appreciate you is if you remove them from your life. Equally sad is knowing that the very moment you let them back in, the same cycle will once again begin. Samuel Decker Thompson

37 – Toxic people attach themselves like cinder blocks tied to your ankles, and then they invite you for a swim in their poisoned waters.

38 – Some of the hardest people to cut off are family members. But sometimes they are the main ones that need to go.

39 – You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop and what you reinforce. T. Gaskins

40 – People inspire you, or they drain you. Pick them wisely. Hans F Hasen

 

 

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES

 

41 –Not everyone you lose is a loss.

42 – So many broken children live in grown bodies mimicking adult lives.

43 – A child may not be able to articulate it, but children very quickly understand the dysfunctional unwritten family rules that exist in toxic families. Gail Meyers

44 – If they do it often, it isn’t a mistake; it’s just their behaviour. Dr Steve Maraboli

45 – Family is supposed to be there for you no matter what comes your way. Shame on the ones who are not; that is not what family is about.

46 – It is a truth universally acknowledged that secrets are toxic and break up families. Jane Ridley

47 – How to be happy – delete the toxic people from your family.

48 – Family isn’t always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.

49 – Wrong in wrong. I don’t care if it is family or not. Wrong is wrong. You don’t support family, you support what is right. Morals come first.

50 – The human race is one big dysfunctional family. Robert Barron

 

Remember, wink, wink, as far as everyone knows, we are a nice normal family.

 

Before you go…

 

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Frances Vidakovic

With a degree in psychology, Frances Vidakovic is a certified life coach for goal getters, author of 20+ books, host of the Dream Big My Friend podcast and course creator. Her superpower: transforming moms from dreamers into doers. Frances has been featured on various platforms, including Scary Mommy, Thrive Global, Medium and SBS Radio.

Got Toxic Family Members? Here are 3 Tips For Dealing With a Dysfunctional Family

Takeaway: Family is where we learn how to interact with other people. Therefore, dealing with a dysfunctional family can make it more difficult to form and maintain healthy, strong relationships in life. In this blog post, I dive into the things you can do to prioritize your well-being while dealing with your dysfunctional family.

Most families experience times of tension, miscommunication, and hardships. No family is perfect, and every family endures some amount of dysfunction.

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In healthy families, everyone listens to and respects one another. When harmful behavior occurs, people make genuine efforts to make amends. They try to change their behavior in the future.

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However, most dysfunctional families contain members who won’t change. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you may have been subjected to abuse, neglect, and repeatedly poor behavior. This is frequently the result of having toxic, dysfunctional parents. Sometimes siblings or other family members can cause dysfunctional dynamics as well. 

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The toxic behavior of even one family member can have a negative effect on the entire family. It can result in a dysfunctional family. The rest of the family develops unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with this toxic behavior, which results in unhealthy dynamics throughout the whole family unit. 

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Dealing with a family like this is difficult. It can feel very lonely, isolating, and frustrating. In my therapy practice, I work with teens and young adults who are struggling to deal with a dysfunctional family. Together, we work toward understanding dysfunctional family dynamics and finding ways to overcome family dysfunction.

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Signs of a Dysfunctional Family

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Within a healthy family, members are able to express themselves freely and communicate openly and safely with one another. But in a dysfunctional family, communication is not encouraged or altogether avoided. Being at home can feel emotionally or physically unsafe. This is usually due to inconsistent or unpredictable behavior from one or more family members.

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Here are some common signs of a dysfunctional family:

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  • Lack of effective communication. Talking to each other often leads to angry outbursts, fighting, or violence. You as the child (even if you’re a young adult) aren’t heard or listened to. You may also experience the opposite in which conflict is dealt with silent treatment, being ignored or shut down. 
  • Lack of boundaries. This includes not respecting each other’s privacy. For example, a family member might go through your things or consistently invade your personal space.
  • Excessive criticism of your personality or lifestyle. This includes things like your performance in school, your job choices, your looks, and your relationships. 
  • Addiction, including drugs, alcohol, gambling, or any other form of addiction.
  • Mental illness such as untreated bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, personality disorders, and others.
  • Excessive control over your time, schedule, relationships, or personal life. 
  • Domestic violence or other forms of physical abuse, including threats.
  • Emotional neglect or abuse, such as giving you the silent treatment, ignoring you excessively, being criticized or put down, or acting like you don’t exist.

What It’s Like to Be in a Dysfunctional Family

Having toxic or dysfunctional family members can feel like walking on eggshells all the time. It results in developing coping mechanisms that help you survive, but that keep you stuck in habits or behaviors that don’t serve you.

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Teens and young adults who grow up in dysfunctional families can have a difficult time adjusting to relationships in adulthood. I often work with young adults who:

‍

  • Are perfectionists and people-pleasers, trying to keep the peace as a coping mechanism
  • Have difficulty setting boundaries in their relationships, because healthy boundaries were never modeled for them 
  • Have difficulty naming their emotions and desires
  • Struggle with direct communication
  • Struggle with addiction to alcohol or other substances 
  • Have low levels of confidence and self-esteem 
  • Are more prone to mental health issues such as anxiety disorders
  • Grieve their family’s lack of connection or closeness

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Family is where we learn how to interact with other people. Therefore, dealing with a dysfunctional family can make it more difficult to form and maintain healthy, strong relationships in life. 

‍

But being part of a dysfunctional family isn’t your fault, and it isn’t a death sentence to all your future relationships. It isn’t a death sentence to your health and wellbeing, either. On the contrary, you can work to build warm, loving relationships with yourself and others.

How to Deal With a Dysfunctional Family

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You can’t control anyone else’s behavior. You only have power over your own actions.

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You can develop awareness of your family’s dynamics and your own behavioral patterns and work to change what you can control. You can dismantle your family’s unhealthy dynamics within your life and decide how you want to behave. You can learn skills to increase self-compassion, communicate in a loving and healthy way, cope with your emotions, and strengthen your relationships.

‍

These things all require patience, vulnerability, skill-building, and forming new habits. The process of overcoming dysfunctional family dynamics is uncomfortable and slow. Be patient and kind with yourself as you work through this process.

‍

Here are some things you can do to prioritize your well-being while dealing with your dysfunctional family. 

1. Set boundaries

‍

Boundaries are limits or separations in relationships.They help the boundary-setter maintain their sense of safety and wellbeing. While boundaries are sometimes seen as harsh or cruel, they aren’t. They’re actually the opposite – they help define which behaviors are acceptable and which aren’t.  

‍

Think of boundaries as teaching people how you want to be treated. You deserve to be treated with respect and care, and you’re allowed to ask for this type of treatment. 

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Communicating and upholding boundaries with other people is an important way to advocate for yourself. Setting boundaries is difficult and takes practice, but you’re responsible for maintaining and enforcing them. 

‍

Setting boundaries can be as simple as telling your family you’ve decided not to attend a family function. It can also look like you asking family members not to come into your room without asking first, walking away from a conversation when they start to berate you or raise their voice, or saying “no” to something you don’t want to be involved in. 

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It’s easy to feel guilty and anxious before and after you’ve communicated a boundary, especially when someone reacts poorly to it. Know that this reaction is a reflection of their own lack of boundaries, and has nothing to do with you. If someone argues with you about setting a boundary, it only means the boundary really needed to be set. 

2. Limit interactions

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Creating physical and emotional space from your dysfunctional family is a crucial step in protecting your energy.  

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Limiting interactions with toxic family members can help with this. You can opt out of family gatherings and meals. Try to avoid spaces where you’ll be ridiculed or where fights are likely to break out.

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If it’s not possible to stay apart from them physically, you can create intentional emotional space. You can choose to share less personal information with them, knowing they may try to use what you say against you later. If they ask you a personal question, redirect the conversation back to them by asking them about something they’re interested in.

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If you feel unsafe around family members, know that it’s okay to cut contact with them. Do this only if this is an option for you and you have somewhere else to go.

‍

Be aware that a lot of grief, anger, and other tough emotions may arise from having to make a decision like this, and that’s okay. Feeling grief around having dysfunctional family dynamics is completely valid and normal.  

‍

Limiting interaction with toxic family members helps you protect your own health and happiness, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love your family and can’t ever have relationships with them. It just means you’re putting yourself first, which you deserve to do. Protecting yourself and prioritizing your wellbeing is difficult and complex, but ultimately worthwhile. 

3. Seek support

‍

When dealing with dysfunctional family dynamics, it’s important to seek support outside the family.

‍

Working to overcome a dysfunctional family will probably involve processing a lot of difficult emotions, including grief, anger, sadness, guilt, and shame. You don’t have to deal with this alone, and you shouldn’t have to. 

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While venting to friends or other family members is a great way to blow off steam, they will only be able to offer so much practical help. However, friends offer incredible support systems and can help you get through really tough times.  

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You can also seek support in the form of groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, which are free to attend and are offered worldwide. This can help if your or one of your family members struggles with alcohol abuse. 

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Another form of support to consider is therapy. You can get therapy for yourself, your whole family, or both.

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While some families are willing to work on difficult dynamics together, not all are. Know that if your family is unwilling or not ready to go to counseling with you, it’s not your fault. A family member’s inability or lack of desire to seek help doesn’t reflect on you or your worth as a family member. It’s simply a reflection of their own inner workings. Remember that you can’t control the behavior or decisions of others, no matter how much you may want to. 

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If you are unable to seek counseling as a whole family, focus on what you have control over: yourself and your decisions.

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Individual therapy can help you understand the dynamics of your family. It gives you tools for coping with the grief, anger, and other strong emotions that result from dealing with a dysfunctional family.

Therapy Can Help You With Overcoming Family Dysfunction

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You deserve support in getting through this. If you’d like to explore therapy, I can help. I work with teens and young adults in New York who want to break out of toxic cycles of family dysfunction. 

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You’ll come away with a clearer idea of how to express yourself and be heard, how to set boundaries, and how to get your needs met outside your family. We’ll also work together to help you develop more self-compassion, confidence, and resilience. 

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I offer both family counseling and individual counseling. Get in touch to learn more about counseling with me and see if therapy for family dysfunction could be a good fit for you. 

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If you are a perfectionist and people-pleaser trying to keep the peace as a coping mechanism, click here to take a two-minute quiz to clarify and uncover your need to please. After you connect with your personal archetype, you'll receive resources to support you in overcoming those pesky people-pleasing tendencies!

11 tips on what to do if you grew up in a dysfunctional family

There is not a single ideal family, and this is far from news. All families experience some difficulties, but most cope with them quite well.

There are gradients of dysfunction in family relationships. The psychological and physical health of the family determines how difficult conditions are formed for the growth of children. Growing up in a dysfunctional family is detrimental to everyone who is in constant contact with other family members. nine0003

Imagine that you are in a prison from which you cannot get out until at least your majority. There is verbal and/or physical abuse in prison, there are no personal boundaries, there is no place and no one with whom you can share your feelings or problems. You do not feel safe and certainly do not feel loved and needed by someone.

It is rare to get out of such a prison. You can leave, but psychologically you will continue to be associated with her for life.

By these signs you can identify a dysfunctional family. nine0003

Abuse

Sexual assault, physical beating or verbal hitting are all active forms of abuse. It is very serious.

Such families tend to be closed, and it seems that violence is “normal”. For children who grow up in such conditions, there are two options: to remain humiliated and grow up fearing people, or to turn into tyrants themselves.

Emotional abuse

This type of abuse is considered inactive. For example, a mother who ignores her child; a parent who shows absolutely no interest in his children or refuses to express love when the child does not do what he wants. nine0003

Some serious forms of emotional abuse include constant criticism, shame, denial, intimidation, threats, behavior control, etc.

Conditional love

There is always extreme frustration in families where love is conditional. These families have no security system. Children often go to great lengths to get the love they so desperately need.

No boundaries

A typical scenario in this type of family is the parent who controls your personal life and doesn't take into account your opinions or wishes. Parents can open your mail or throw it away, take away your phone, ask friends for details of your behavior, etc.

You don't have your own space or your own identity. Parents practice disrespect for personal rights and privacy.

Personal boundaries: what are they for and how to build them

Lack of intimacy

In this case, there is no closeness between family members. Signs of love simply do not exist.
Children in this house do not feel any support. Emotionally, parents are unavailable. It is likely that an adult from this family type is detached from his emotions or will choose someone who copies his birth family. nine0003

Triangulation

With this type of dysfunction, family members cannot or do not want to trust each other. "Communication" occurs by triangulating another family member in their drama. Let's say, for example, that mom is mad at dad. Instead of talking to dad about the situation, she calls her son or daughter and starts complaining to them. Imagine how the child feels. In this house, a third person is always involved, which replaces direct communication.

Addiction

Any family that has one or more members who are addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. is extremely dysfunctional. Drug addicts are unpredictable. The members of this family are growing up with heightened vigilance. They are always looking for clues as to what will happen next. nine0003

Growing up in a dysfunctional family means acquiring a lot of negative experiences that can result in some serious problems:

  • behavioral disorders;
  • difficulty starting and maintaining relationships;
  • difficulty in communicating and expressing feelings;
  • low self-esteem;
  • chronic anxiety or depression;
  • constant self-criticism.

If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, there are a few things you can do to get rid of the burden of the past and start a productive life. nine0003

1. Understand that as a child you did not have the right to vote, but now you are an adult

You are responsible for yourself and for your life. And this means that only you have the right to make decisions that in one way or another affect your life. You don't have to consult with anyone, and you certainly shouldn't succumb to pressure, even if it comes from your family. You have grown, which means things have changed.

2. Stay away from toxic environments

People who grow up in dysfunctional families are often drawn to toxic people. They end up in bad companies, suffer bullying at work - in general, they remain in the same atmosphere in which they were brought up from childhood. Only you can break this vicious cycle. If someone disrespects you, save your time and nerves. nine0003

7 toxic "friends" you will meet at least once in your life and how to recognize them

3.
Learn to express your feelings

It will seem like a daunting task, but you can do it. Understand that there are many people who really care about you and your emotions. With your emotional closeness, you can scare them away.

4. Stop blaming your past

What once was should not have power over your present. Yes, as a child you were surrounded by people who had a destructive effect on your life, but now you have a great chance to fix it. But in order to take action, you must admit to yourself that your past is not a reason to give up a better life. nine0003

5. Don't let yourself be a victim

You don't have to feel abandoned, hurt by life as a boy. You are an adult who takes the reins of power into his own hands and does everything to arrange his life right. To do this, first of all, you need to stop complaining and write off life's failures on your past.

6. Understand that your past does not define you

The fact that you grew up in a dysfunctional family does not mean that you will repeat the fate of your parents. You can acquire any positive qualities, useful habits, etc. You are able to form a positive environment around you, achieve success in work and personal life. You are no worse than other people. nine0003

7. Get help from a specialist

A psychologist or psychotherapist can help you get over the side effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family, such as depression, difficulty expressing emotions, relationship problems, behavioral disorders, etc. If you understand that life is not going the way you would like, and you are unable to fix it, seek professional help immediately.

8. Realize that no matter what you were told as a child, you are worthy of love

You could be hugged for A's, help around the house, high scores in exams, but just like that - never. But this does not mean that in adult life you have to prove to everyone and everywhere that you have something to love for. No matter what they tell you, you deserve a good attitude, respect and, of course, love.

9. Stop repeating the cycle in which you used to live

Stop getting into toxic relationships by copying the behavior of your parents, reconsider your attitude towards your loved one, friends, etc. Stop living trying to prove something to anyone was. nine0003

10. Give up any unworthy role that you have played

You should not play roles that make you behave differently than you want. Do not try to earn the love and respect of your parents, do not make their dreams come true, do not become responsible for their failures.

11. Understand that you cannot change people. You can only change yourself

So get to work. The hardest job is working on yourself. This is essential if you want to live a normal life. There is no way you can change your parents, their attitude towards you, or the fact that you grew up and was brought up in a dysfunctional family. So don't waste your time on this. nine0003

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