Choose a partner
25 Ways on How to Choose a Life Partner
Finding the right partner feels like a whole lot of work. There are so many moving parts to a relationship–attractiveness, trust, honesty, communication, intimacy, sex life, etc.–that it may feel like there’s no hope in finding a partner that you can spend your life with.
Well, I’m here to tell you that there is hope. Choosing a wife or a husband isn’t hard because it’s impossible. It’s hard because we go about it the wrong way. We look outward to the world and hope we can find someone to complete us, rather than looking inward at ourselves and making ourselves whole first.
The key to the best relationships or to choose a life partner is working on the one you have with yourself.
Let’s run that back for the purpose of clarity.
The key to the best relationships is working on the one you have with yourself.
25 ways on how to choose a life partnerSo, how to choose a life partner? What do you look for in a relationship? What to look for in a relationship?
It may sound cliche to you, and if it does, let that be a signal that you should lean in and pay attention. There are, in my opinion, 15 things that you need to address before choosing the right partner for marriage–or, let the right relationship find you.
What are the factors that you need to consider in choosing a lifelong partner?
Follow these factors to consider in choosing a lifelong partner, give each one your full attention, and be patient with the process. Your dream relationship is just around the corner.
1. Learn to love yourselfThis is probably the hardest step, but if you can get over this hump, you’ll have plenty of momentum to get through the other two. Learning to love yourself is a two-phase process: first, you need to acknowledge your strengths and your weaknesses. Then you need to appreciate and love them for what they are.
For practicing self-love, know that every part of you has value. Relish in what you’re good at, recognize where you can improve. It’s all an amazing melting pot of who you are.
Here’s the key, though: if you can’t learn to recognize your greatness in all that is good and bad about you, no one else will.
Until you appreciate all that you are and own it, there will always be some subconscious doubt that you give off. It’s like a “quality relationship repellant” of sorts. People will feel that self-doubt and not want to partake in that baggage.
DO NOT SKIP THIS STEP.
How you treat yourself is a billboard showing everyone else how you should be treated. Make sure that message is a good one.
2. Get real (without judgment) about your dating patternsNow that you’ve learned to love yourself a little better (it’s never going to be perfect, we’re only human), it’s time to do some inventory on your past. So, show yourself some grace. Be kind to your former self. We are all flawed. You are no exception.
As you look back at your previous serious relationships, you’ll start to recognize a pattern. You may notice that you picked people that you knew you couldn’t trust so that you could have an easy out if they acted shadily.
You may notice that the people you latched onto didn’t have a lot going on in their lives.
Maybe you wanted to feel superior, or maybe you wanted to be the center of their world.
Related Reading: New Relationship Advice to Have the Best Start3. Be unapologetically you
This step is the most fun because it is the ultimate filter. You are going to weed out people that aren’t a good fit for you and draw in those that are perfect for you. It might rub some people the wrong way, but if it does, let them go.
Once you’ve done the work to love yourself a little more, and recognize your missteps of the past, you can step into the shoes you were meant to walk in all along. You will exude confidence and be a magnet to quality people that will appreciate every morsel for your being.
Will it feel uncomfortable at first? Absolutely.
But there will be more beauty here than anything you’ve experienced in the past as you’ve stumbled from person to person. This will be your sign to the world that you’re ready for whoever can handle you.
That person will show up, I promise you.
4. Look for someone who makes you laughWhen you are on the lookout for a suitable partner, make sure the person who interests you is someone with a good sense of humor, and this is what you must seek while choosing a marriage partner without any doubts.
At the end of the day, you just want someone you can wind down with, and if the person has the tendency to remain glum, you are not going to quite like it.
5. Learn from your experienceWhat went wrong in your relationships? How much did your actions or your partner’s play a role in the demise of those relationships?
Each relationship teaches us one or the other things. These lessons are very vital in order to move ahead.
Now that you have an experience start switching things up. Make a conscious effort to avoid people that remind you of your past. Give more weightage to the elements of the relationship that really matter to you.
Try not to ignore them as you did in the past.
Doing the same things you did in the past won’t get you better results in your future. Acknowledge where you went wrong, then change that behavior to invite better people into your world.
Related Reading: 6 Tips for Finding Your True Love6. Opposites attract
While choosing the right partner for marriage, it is often said that opposites attract. It is because when you look for a suitable partner, the things that you might be missing are already there in the other person who draws you towards them. In a way, it makes you feel whole.
So, when you are choosing the right one for yourself, make sure they aren’t exactly like you. At the end of the day, there should be certain levels of surprise and mystery.
Related Reading: How to Stay Together When You Are Different From Each Other7. Ensure you both have common basics
As much as you would like your suitable partner to be a little different from you, you need to ensure that both of you share similar values.
Having shared values reinforces the foundation of your relationship. Simple things such as consensus on the number of children you want or living within your means create a conducive environment for your relationship to thrive.
The core values should match with your suitable partner to a certain extent in order to avoid conflict in the long run— for example, your thoughts on parenting, marriage, spirituality and other beliefs.
Related Reading: Values Truly Make a Difference in Marriage and Life8. Don’t settle for less
There could be times when you will feel desperate about how to choose a life partner for yourself. You would want to adjust and compromise and settle for less than what you once wanted. However, we suggest that you wait.
It is because settling for less will not give you any feeling of fulfillment either in the short term or long term.
Check out these signs to understand if you are really following the pattern of settling for less:
9. Find someone who is a first, a good humanAt one point, you will feel seeing a person that you have found your suitable partner because they shower you with love, gifts, and compliments, but that is not all you must look for. As you move ahead with each other, love will take a backseat, and you both will be exposed to each other as a person- who you are from inside.
So, always choose a good human being over someone who is only competent to express their love better.
10. Check your communication compatibilityAre you able to communicate well with your potential partner? Communication is one of the important elements of the relationship. If you both are not able to comfortably talk or listen to each other, it either needs to be worked upon, or you can consider another choice.
Effective communication is what keeps the relationship going. In the long run, this is one of the biggest problem-solvers in the relationship.
Just because you have had heartbreaks in the past doesn’t mean you should lose hope. In order to choose the right guy or girl, you should shed your apprehensions, go out and be open to meeting people.
But how can dating and courtship help you choose your lifetime partner?
This will also expand your horizon and help you understand what exactly you are looking for in a suitable partner. This means you learn a lot about yourself apart from teaching yourself to take rejections so hard.
Related Reading: Are You Ready to Start Dating Again? Ask Yourself These 5 Questions12. Avoid quick decisions
Just because you are on a spree on how to choose a life partner doesn’t mean you have to make quick decisions as soon as you find someone good enough. Remember, all that glitters is not gold. Each person has different layers.
So, take your time to understand the person before delving deeper into the relationship.
In order to get real with both phases of that process, you need to create space in your life. Create distance between you and the toxic people that may fog your judgment.
Create space for yourself by meditating or picking up a hobby that you used to enjoy. Do anything you can to give yourself the mental space necessary to sit back and see yourself for who you are.
14. Spend a lot of time togetherThe more time you spend with your prospective partner, the better it will be for you to understand them.
So, in the process of choosing a spouse, do not avoid meeting them. Meet at different times and different places, from brunches to dinner dates, from adventure parks to movie parks. Meet them often to get to know all shades of them.
15. Remain positiveHow to choose a husband or wife?
Last but not least, remain positive. Do not think negatively just because you see everyone around you committed while you are still struggling to find a suitable partner.
The more negative you are, the more it will show up in your conversations, and it is not very attractive, is it?
It is difficult to lead your life with someone who disrespects you, your personality or downplays your ambitions in life. When choosing a life partner be sure to select someone who will respect all aspects of your life. Mutual respect is one of the defining traits to look for in a life partner.
17. Choose an honest life partnerIf a relationship is not enshrined in a culture of honesty and trust, it will definitely fail. To build a culture of honesty and trust in your relationship, choosing the best life partner who does not refrain from open and genuine communication is important.
18. Consider a life partner keen on your lifeA person willing to be in a long-term relationship with you will show genuine support for your ambitions and goals in life. Your potential life partner should be supportive of your plans to advance your career or pursue a worthy course.
One of the factors to consider when choosing a life partner is to consider their ability to adjust with your family.
Your family will always be a key support system in your life. They can tell if your prospective life partner is suitable or unsuitable for you. If he or she cannot cope with your family members, you might be choosing a life partner who is not right for you.
20. Assess the intellectual level of your partnerIf you are a high achiever and aggressive in pursuing your dreams, consider a person with the same attributes.
Choosing a laid-back person could cause problems in your relationship. Both of you must view things and reason almost from the same standpoint. Out of all the factors to consider in choosing a lifetime partner, similar intellectual prowess.
21. Nurture great friendships firstHaving a network of true friends provides perspective as you prepare for a relationship.
Great friendships provide a basis for what love ought to be. They demonstrate that love should be purely based on choice as opposed to any need.
A relationship involves two people with unique personalities. At times, you might have ugly arguments in which negative emotions are high. You might say hurtful things about one another. How your potential life partner reacts to anger reveals a lot about future reactions. If your prospective life partner cannot handle anger well, the situation can get out of control when you get married.
Ability to manage or control their anger are some vital qualities of a good marriage partner.
23. Ability to forgive and forgetClosely related to anger management skills is your partner’s ability to forgive and forget. Love does not always revolve around sex, kissing and other intimate stuff. Arguments are deemed to occur in one way or another. Be keen to get a partner who does not keep dwelling on disagreements that happened in the past.
This test entails a set of have you ever questions in which you are supposed to give a yes or no response. The questions entail issues such as sex and drugs. The test assesses your “purity” level. Look for a comprehensive guide about the Rice Purity test to get more useful information.
25. Willingness to invest in the relationshipA relationship is a two-way street. Each party must be determined to make the relationship work. When choosing the right partner for marriage, select a person who allocates time for you and demonstrates concern for your needs.
TakeawayTo wrap up, if you are wondering how to choose the right partner for marriage, you have to use both your heart and brain when choosing a life partner.
As you select your partner, these tips are golden, and you’d be wise to give them a go if you’re on the search for your Mr. or Mrs. Right. They are out there, but they won’t find their way to you until you start loving yourself and showing that to the world around you.
Good luck. It’s about to get really good for you.
How To Choose A Life Partner: 5 Factors To Consider
It's better to use the logical part of our brain to determine whether the other person has the right "stuff" to make a suitable long-term partner than to feel our way to this decision. Of course, what we feel is essential, and someone may be a great fit with all the important qualities that we are looking for, but if our body doesn't react to them — no attraction, no chemistry, no "wow" — that's also important information on which to base our decision. We need both heart and head to decide.
Here are five clues that will help you find out whether or not someone has the qualities to go the distance:
1.
Family history
It's important to know how connected a potential partner is to their family members and the quality of these relationships. Try to determine how much they are able to accept, forgive, and have family members' backs. Also look for how much they blame or make trouble for others.
I look for two red flags when I'm talking with a client about their family history. One is when they indicate that everything is or was terrible; the other is when they say that everything is or was perfect.
A good sign of balance is, for example, the following description of a family member: "Well, my dad's an interesting guy. He's so loving and generous. He had a hard struggle with depression. He's a glass-half-empty sort of guy, yet he tries hard to be more upbeat. The problem is he's very reluctant to seek help and kind of stuck in his ways. But, growing up, I remember how, most of all, he always loved and supported me. Although he didn't often show up for my activities, I always knew that it wasn't because he didn't care." This is balanced; he tells it like it is.
2.
Past relationships
It is important to discover what kinds of friendships someone has had or currently have. The best sign is that they still keep a few of their oldest friends.
Additionally, see if they've been able to take some responsibility for their failed relationships. Do they speak of past lovers in derogatory terms, such as "She was crazy" or "He was a total narcissist"? Occasionally it might be true, but most of us look pretty unappealing to the other at the end of a relationship, and it's not usually the whole truth. Ask whether your potential partner tries to be fair-minded.
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3.
How they handle anger
You'll need to observe this one rather than asking about it. Watch how they behave when they don't get their own way, are disappointed, or feel angry. In life, we have to manage not getting our own way as well as hurt and disappointment. How people act with others under these circumstances says a lot about how they will one day act with you.
4.
Generosity
Generosity is considered the No.
1 key to a good relationship, according to a long-term study at the University of Virginia. Watch how generous your potential partner is in their treatment and discussion of others. When we are lovestruck, we are all generous and loving, but you need to look for indications of how generous someone will be when the love potion wears off.
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5.
How full their life is
Determine whether they have meaning in their life that doesn't relate to you — interests, passions, a history of expanding themselves. Do they have big dreams or a history of making those dreams come true?
Paradoxically, the key to intimacy is the ability to be separate. Until you know yourself and feel whole and clear in what you want for your life, you'll never be able to be the best partner you can be. It's counterintuitive, but we really only get the most intimacy out of a relationship when we have done the most work on ourselves.
Putting it all together.
Imagine there are two parts to an "interview" with a potential partner, like with a job applicant. In part one, trust your heart, the chemistry, and your intuition.
If only things were so simple. This is clearly not enough. I bet 99% of people have felt that someone was "the one," only to be shocked and disappointed when, later in the relationship, you find out a whole lot of things that you totally missed.
In part two of the "interview," look at their abilities, their references, their experience, and all the other objective data that points to whether they are a good fit.
We have two parts to our brain, both of which are essential to use when choosing a partner. The "feeling" part is an important indicator, but the part where rational and reasonable decisions are made must be an equal partner.
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How to choose a partner for life?
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Man and woman
Living together is not a honeymoon in Thailand.
Not celebrations about buying your first home. And certainly not the endless Valentine's Day. Of course, it also includes all this. But in microscopic quantities.
For the most part, life in a couple consists of, for example, Thursdays. As well as Tuesdays, Fridays and other inconspicuous days, which it’s hard to remember tomorrow. And the only important thing is that this Thursday, like several hundred (well, or thousands, if you're lucky) others, you will spend with the same person.
Well-known blogger Tim Urban is convinced of this. A Harvard alumnus and author of one of the fastest-growing resources, Wait But Why, suggests likening a long, happy family life to climbing to the top. It cannot be reached in one jump: you need to break your route into small segments and gradually overcome each of them.
Urban considers that very ordinary Thursday to be such a segment of his life together. And, based on the work of several family psychologists, he shares his idea of how to achieve this goal.
"Triangle Test"
Your partner should be your friend - perhaps the main tenet of Tim Urban. To determine true friendship, he recommends a "cork test". It's not what you thought. Here is how the author himself explains this concept: “I like to stay up late with friends. But when the time comes to disperse, one of us throws the other up to the house, or at least to a car parked somewhere. So, if I dream that traffic jams will form on the road at that moment, it means that I am in the company of a true friend, every second of communication with whom is dear to me.
And the partner, the person with whom you hope to live your whole life, must certainly meet this criterion, Urban is sure. He highlights several key components of successfully passing the “cork test”, insisting that the friendship that has passed him only becomes stronger over time.
1. Sense of humor and the ability to see the funny. What could be worse than the prospect of living to a golden wedding laughing for 50 years at jokes you don't really find funny? However, in such a situation, you definitely will not live to see the golden wedding.
The same applies to the remarkable ability to see the funny in the most mundane and sad events - homework, flight delays at the airport or a long tiring road.
A study by psychologist Huston showed that the more often and more partners laugh or at least smile, the higher their chances of staying together.
2. Respect for other people's opinions and ways of thinking. If your partner's judgments are not important to you, if you are not interested in his assessments, then why would you share with him what seems important or interesting to you? And as a result, even staying close to him, you will inevitably feel alone.
3. Common interests and hobbies. Without them, it will not be easy for you to compromise when planning every next weekend. And over time, those habits and addictions, which in many ways make you exactly you, will begin to shrink little by little, leaving a feeling of regrettable emptiness.
"Be at home"
That is, no, be at home without any "how.
" Feeling calm and relaxed, feeling safe and finally feeling like ourselves - that's what we can afford in our home. With the same criteria, you need to approach relationships that you want to keep forever. To do this, according to Tim Urban, the following conditions are required.
1. Trust and peace of mind. Secrets and secrets are poison that slowly kills any relationship. They build a wall of mistrust between people. And who wants to live years in lies and painful attempts to hide something? Or endlessly tormented by suspicions - it doesn’t matter if they are justified in the end or not. There is nothing more short-sighted or destructive than trying to have an affair on the side if everything in your relationship with your partner is, in general, satisfactory. It won't get better. It will get much, much worse.
2. Chemistry in relationships. It is difficult to explain in words, and, perhaps, it is not very necessary, since it is clear even without words.
You must be on the same wavelength with your partner. Well, or at least for one range. When these ranges are too different, relationships quickly turn from pleasure to torture.
3. Ability to accept shortcomings. By the way, you also have them. The presence of shortcomings is generally one of the characteristic features of any person. This is fine. But what is not normal is to “nag” each other every day for these shortcomings. To live a whole life, constantly listening to what (or what) you are not good (or not good), is a fate more than deplorable.
This is by no means a reason to justify oneself in everything and to abandon self-improvement. It is rather a call to remember that the flaws of a partner are as much an integral part of him as the virtues for which you chose him.
4. Positive attitude. There is nothing to add to the research of the psychologist, a specialist in the field of couples therapy, John Gottman, who showed that in a relationship for every negative interaction there must be at least five positive ones, otherwise parting is almost inevitable.
Work!
Relationships are work. If you don’t lift a finger at work, then you can forget about career growth. Similarly, you can forget about strong, harmonious partnerships if you don't put in the effort. Which ones? Tim Urban notes several directions for the application of forces.
1. Communication. The words that proper communication between partners is necessary for harmonious relationships, just as any living creature needs air, sound trite. But that doesn't make them any less faithful. It is poor, insufficient or incorrectly built communication that is called the main reason for divorces by those who go through these divorces. And it is the right communication that they see as a guarantee that their next relationship will not fail.
Solving this problem is not at all easy. Even the most prosperous couples often have to “negotiate on the shore” about many things, defining certain rules of communication. And often you can not do without the help of family therapists.
2. Equality. Unfortunately, distortions in this matter happen all the time, go unnoticed and lead to irreparable consequences. Thoughts, emotions and desires of only one of the partners cannot always be the most important in a couple. Even if we consciously chose the model of sacrificing our interests for the interests of a partner, it will only work in the short term. And then it will stop working.
3. Ability to quarrel. Sounds scary, but there's nothing to be scared of. Everyone quarrels, and there are no exceptions. Only some do it right - perceiving what is happening not without a share of humor, even in the heat of a quarrel, hearing the words of a partner, understanding them and avoiding insults and humiliation.
And others, alas, use their fists, frying pans, and behind the cry they no longer hear not only their partner, but also themselves. It is easy to guess who is more likely to maintain a relationship. By the way, according to John Gottman, based on 69% of typical quarrels in a couple lie fundamental and in principle irreducible differences between partners.
And those who quarrel correctly, over time, understand this and conflict less and less. And those who are wrong, part. And it's good if it's on time.
Text: Yury Zubtsov Photo source: Getty Images
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13 criteria for choosing a partner for life
73,996
Man and woman
1. Laughter. Find someone who genuinely laughs at your jokes (hence having a similar sense of humor) and doesn't take life too seriously.
Believe me, shared laughter can be the best way out of many useless arguments.
2. Support. It's not just about being behind a partner like behind a stone wall - you must be sure that your loved one will not make dirty linen in public and sort things out with you in public.
3. Attractiveness. Of course, this is not a guarantee of a long and happy relationship, and yet it is extremely important that the partner initially attracts you.
4. Communication. Look for someone with whom you can talk about everything in the world, and especially to discuss any "uncomfortable" feelings and any difficult situation. The one who will be honest with you, who will not betray.
5. Breadth of views. For a long-term relationship, it is extremely important that the partner does not judge others and does not rush to judgments at all, especially if you yourself are characterized by flexible thinking.
6. Availability. Look for someone who will be in contact with you - physical, intellectual and emotional. Such a person will not leave you guessing what he or she meant. You do not have to puzzle over what is still going on between you. Everything will be extremely transparent and understandable.
7. Interest. It is important that the partner is interested in what is happening in your life, but at the same time he must also have his own circle of interests.
8. Proximity. Sex, like appearance, is not everything, but a lot. Try to find someone with whom you match.
9. Constructive criticism. Your task is to find someone who will be able to give you honest but correct feedback so that you can grow and develop, and who will be ready to hear criticism in his address.
10. Acceptance. In a long-term relationship, it is extremely important that you and your partner accept and love each other for who you are, without hoping that the person next to you will one day change.
11. A sober perception of relationships and family life. It is important to understand that the “happily ever after” we know from fairy tales does not happen by itself. A happy life together requires work, and ideal "second halves" simply do not exist. Relationships are always a process, not a result, and perfection in it, most likely, cannot be achieved. You have to be ready for this.
12. Embrace. Look for someone whose hugs can brighten up the end of even the worst day, with whom you can find support and comfort.
13. Look. It happens like this: a person looks at you - and everything is clear without words: that he loves you, that he is on your side. This is what you should strive for.
Of course, even the compliance of a potential partner with all the above criteria is not a guarantee that the relationship with him will last a lifetime. People change and there's no getting around that. What may seem attractive at first may later become the main cause of quarrels.
