Children of permissive parents
Permissive Parenting - Why Indulgent Parenting Is Bad For Your Child
By: Author Pamela Li Pamela Li is a bestselling author. She is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Parenting For Brain. Her educational background is in Electrical Engineering (MS, Stanford University) and Business Management (MBA, Harvard University).
Posted on Last updated: Evidence Based
What Is Permissive Parenting?
Permissive parenting, also known as the indulgent parenting style, is a parenting style characterized by high responsiveness and low demandingness. Permissive-indulgent parents are very responsive to their child’s emotional needs. But they don’t set limits or are very inconsistent in enforcing boundaries.
Permissive Parenting Examples
Here are the characteristics and examples of permissive parenting style.
- Responsive
Permissive parents are responsive to their children’s needs. - Indulgent parenting
Permissive indulgent parents rarely say no to their children’s demands. They may also use toys or food as bribe to get their children to behave. - Lenient parents
Permissive parents are lenient and overly lax. They dislike control and authority over their children. They do not monitor or guide their children’s behavior. They have very few rules and standards of behavior. When there are rules, they are not consistently enforced. - Treat their kids more like peers or friends than children
Permissive parents want their children to see them as friends rather than authority figures. - Children’s freedom over responsibility
Permissive parents place very little responsibility, such as chores or homework, on their children. - Let children make major decisions generally reserved for adult guardians without guidance.
Effects Of Permissive Parenting
Child development experts recognize that permissive parenting is one of the worst styles of parenting among the four Diana Baumrind’s parenting styles.
Permissive parents generally do not monitor or regulate their children. As a result, studies have found that children of permissive parents tend to struggle with self-control, which leads to a variety of bad outcomes.
Here are some of the negative effects of permissive parenting.
- Worse academic performance
Lax parents do not monitor their children’s studying habits. So their children have less self-discipline. Permissive parents also do not demand their children to perform or set a goal for their children to strive for. Studies show that children of permissive parents tend to have lower academic achievement. - More impulsive and aggressive
Permissive parents do not control or regulate their children’s behavior. So their children are less aware of the limits of acceptable behavior. They also exhibit worse impulse control and have more behavioral problems. When facing stressful situations, they are more likely to resort to using aggression.
- More prone to delinquency, substance abuse and alcohol abuse
Studies have found that children of permissive parents are more likely to be associated with crimes, substance abuse and alcohol-related issues because they have worse impulse control. - Less able to self-regulate
Emotional regulation is not something we are born with. It is a learned skill. Because children of permissive parents are left to regulate their own activities, behavior and emotions at a young age, they tend to have more difficulties self-regulating. - Worse social skills
Studies have found that children raised by permissive disengaged parents tend to have less empathy leading to worse social skills. They generally display more anti-social behavior. - More likely to be overweight
Permissive parents do not regulate their children’s eating. These children are twice as likely to be overweight compared to children raised by authoritative parents.
Are You A Permissive Parent?
If you fit some of the descriptions in the Permissive Parenting Examples above, you may be a permissive parent.
Or you may not.
The devil is in the details.
On the surface, the authoritative style and permissive style have a similar approach in raising children.
They are both warm and responsive, and they give children lots of freedom and autonomy.
Therefore, authoritative parents are often accused of being permissive by authoritarian parents.
Even though the two parenting styles share some similarities, there are subtle differences between them.
| Permissive Parenting | Authoritative Parenting |
| Always say yes to their children’s demands | Say yes to their children’s demands when they are reasonable |
Dislike control over their children. They do not monitor or guide their children’s behavior. | Dislike control over their children, but they monitor and guide their children’s behavior |
| Have very few rules and standards of behavior. When there are rules, they are not consistently enforced. | Have some rules and standards of behavior. They are consistently enforced. |
| Let children make major decisions generally reserved for adult guardians without guidance. | Let children participate in making major decisions with guidance. |
| Place very little responsibility on their children | Place sensible amount of responsibility on their children |
For more help on calming tantrums, check out this step-by-step guide
What To Do If You Are A Permissive Parent
Permissive indulgent parenting can lead to a number of bad outcomes in kids.
Here are some strategies you can use to turn things around.
- Announce it
Let your kids (and spouse / co-parent) know that you will adopt an authoritative parenting style from now on.
Assure them that you will still be warm and responsive to their needs like before, but now there are rules and limits you will enforce. - Involve children in making rules
Hold a family meeting to discuss what rules are needed. Ask their opinions and discuss the pros and cons. But you have the final say. - Decide consequences for breaking rules
There needs to be clear and reasonable consequences for kids for breaking the rules. Remember to use natural consequence to discipline (not to punish). - Follow through
This is the area many permissive parents lapse when they try to dislodge their permissive habits. If you are used to being the “nice” parent, it can be a struggle not only for your kids, but also for you.That is another reason why using natural consequence is so important. You don’t need to to be unkind or be the “bad” guy. You are simply teaching your kids new behavior by letting them experience the natural consequence.
The goal is to teach, not to punish.Remember, being consistent is one of the most crucial aspect of authoritative parenting allowing for the best outcomes in your children’s upbringing.
What To Do If Your Spouse / Co-parent Is Permissive?
Having two authoritative parents is ideal.
However, we can’t always count on changing others.
If your partner is permissive and you’ve tried but didn’t succeed in changing him/her, the best thing to do for your child is to maintain authoritative parenting habits yourself.
Research shows that children turn out better if they have at least one parent using authoritative discipline than if they have none.
The Opposite Of Permissive Parenting
Some parents who fear the outcomes of permissive parenting want to do everything to avoid it.
However, do not overcompensate.
Because permissive parenting is responsive and not demanding, some parents believe that the exact opposite, i.
e. not responsive and highly demanding, is good.
It is not.
Because when this happens, you are using an authoritarian parenting style, which can lead to a similar set of bad outcomes in children.
References
- Prototypical Descriptions of 3 Parenting Styles. By Diana Baumrind’s, 1966
- College drinking behaviors: Mediational links between parenting styles, impulse control, and alcohol-related outcomes. by Patock-Peckham, Julie A.,Morgan-Lopez, Antonio A.
- Parenting Styles, Adolescent Substance Use, and Academic Achievement. By Deborah A. Cohen and Janet Rice
- Relationship between Parenting Style and Children’s Behavior Problems. By Shahla Alizadeh, Mansor B Abu Talib, Rohani Abdullah, Mariani Mansor, 2011
- Parenting Styles and Overweight Status in First Grade by Kyung E. Rhee, Julie C. Lumeng, Danielle P. Appugliese, Niko Kaciroti, Robert H. Bradley, 2006
- The Role of Empathy and Parenting Style in the Development of Antisocial Behaviors by Megan Schaffer, Stephanie Clark, Elizabeth L.
Jeglic, 2008 - Parenting styles, coping strategies, and the expression of homesickness. By Karin S.Nijhof, Rutger C.M.E.Engels
- Permissive Parenting, Deviant Peer Affiliations, and Delinquent Behavior in Adolescence: the Moderating Role of Sympathetic Nervous System Reactivity. By J. Benjamin Hinnant, Stephen A. Erath, Kelly M. Tu, Mona El-Sheikh
- Parenting Styles As Predictors Of Emotional Regulation Among Adolescents. By Farah Jabeen, M. Anis-ul-Haque, Muhammad Naveed Riaz, 2013
About Pamela Li
Pamela Li is a bestselling author. She is the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Parenting For Brain. Her educational background is in Electrical Engineering (MS, Stanford University) and Business Management (MBA, Harvard University).
View all posts by Pamela Li | Website
Permissive parenting style - MSU Extension
Tracy Trautner, Michigan State University Extension -
This is the parent who is afraid to set limits on children or believes a child has to be true to his or her own nature.
When a parent is permissive, they look at their child as equal rather than children of a parent. Gift-giving and bribery are their primary parenting tools versus boundaries and expectations. There are very few demands of a child in this situation and parents have a difficult time saying “no” as they avoid asserting authority and confrontation. They also avoid punishment at all times.
This parenting style involves:
- Being nurturing and warm, but reluctant to impose limits.
- Rejecting the notion of keeping their kids under control.
- Similar to the authoritative style, they are emotionally supportive and responsive to their children.
- Permissive parents are not demanding. Kids do not have many responsibilities and are allowed to regulate their behavior and the majority of their choices.
- Studies have found links between permissive parenting and increased alcohol use among teenagers as well as higher rates of school misconduct and lower levels of academic achievement.
- Screen time and snacks are not monitored in this type of family, which can lead to a risk of obesity and typically four hours of television per day.
The negative side effects to this parenting style include:
- Children are not required to have good manners or be responsible around the home.
- The child typically has a lot of freedom in regards to bedtimes, homework, mealtimes and television watching.
- Children make their own decisions without input from parents or caregivers.
- Children are impulsive, aggressive and lack independence as well as personal responsibility, mainly due to the huge lack of boundaries. They can have symptoms of anxiety and depression.
- While children from these homes tend to have high self-esteem and good social skills, they are also demanding and selfish.
Similar to kids raised under the overprotective parenting style, these kids are highly likely to look for praise and the value of their self-worth from peers and strangers (external) versus themselves (internally), which can be very dangerous.
Michigan State University Extension has the following recommendations:
- Establish a list of household rules and behavior expectations.
- Decide on what will happen if rules aren’t followed in advance. Working with your child to develop consequences will hold them accountable.
- Teach your child that for every good deed, they will be allowed to choose what leisure activity they would like to do. For example, 30 minutes of television time for doing laundry or putting dishes in dishwasher.
- Follow through. While it may be tough at first to set limits and rules, eventually they will learn you mean business and will feel secure in a family that cares enough to have boundaries to keep them safe.
For a better parenting option, learn more about the authoritative type parenting style that allows children to be independent thinkers, self-regulate their emotions and are successful and happy.
For more information on each parenting style, click on one of the styles below:
- The authoritarian parent. This is the "because I told you so" parent who is likely to degrade a child and ignore the child’s point of view.
- The authoritative parent. This is a mom or dad who sets carefully defined limits for children, the one who is a good role model and praises children for their efforts.
- The permissive parent. This is the parent who is afraid to set limits on children or believes a child has to be true to his or her own nature.
- The overprotective parent. This is the parent who wants to protect their children from harm, hurt and pain, unhappiness, bad experiences and rejection, hurt feelings, failure and disappointments.
For more information about child development, academic success, parenting and life skill development, please visit the Michigan State University Extension website.
This article was published by Michigan State University Extension. For more information, visit https://extension.msu.edu. To have a digest of information delivered straight to your email inbox, visit https://extension.msu.edu/newsletters. To contact an expert in your area, visit https://extension.msu.edu/experts, or call 888-MSUE4MI (888-678-3464).
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All this leads to the fact that children do not have a desire to learn social norms of behavior, self-control and a sense of responsibility are not formed. They do their best to avoid something new, unexpected, unknown for fear of choosing the wrong form of behavior when confronted with this new one. Our meeting has come to an end. Thank you for your active participation in the discussion of issues. Did you receive answers to your questions? What did you learn from the meeting? As a meeting resolution, I offer you a handout and a booklet of tips and tricks. (Booklets are distributed to all parents) Feedback. Dear parents! To find out how the topics and content of parent-teacher meetings meet the requirements of the family, I ask you to answer the questionnaire. Your sincere responses will help me better see the positives and negatives of parent-teacher conferences. REVIEW QUESTIONNAIRE 1. Your impressions of the parent-teacher meeting ____________________________________ ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 2. What did you like the most? _______________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 3. Do you want parent-teacher meetings to be held in this form? Why? _________ ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ 4. What meeting would you like to attend next?0005 Participants: group of parents of preschool age 8-12 people. Equipment: badges (according to the number of participants), magnetic board, projector, tape recorder, musical records, f. A4, pencils (felt-tip pens). Time: 2-2.5 hours. Venue: music hall. Course of the training Light music sounds. Parents sit in a circle. The host approaches each of the parents, gets to know each other, draws up a “common business card” - writes the name of the parents on a large sheet (in the form of a flower). Leader. Good evening dear parents. I thank you for coming to the training. Today we will talk in a close, family circle. Psychological training is the training of the soul, mind and body. A person absorbs 10% of what he hears, 50% of what he sees, 90% of what he does. In the course of the work, we will have to communicate with each other, so we ask all participants to sign and attach business cards-badges so that everyone knows how to contact you. Topic of today's training: Path of parental love. Acquaintance. Exercise "Kind Warmth" (10 min.) Purpose: promoting cohesion in the group, creating a friendly atmosphere. Now I invite you to get to know each other. Stand in a circle and hold hands. “Heat” will go from me to the right (left), that is, I will lightly touch my shoulder to the shoulder of my neighbor , calling my name written on the business card-badge, and remembering how affectionately they called me in childhood, my neighbor also - to next, and so on. Let's try. And now the same thing, but with closed eyes. Let's see how the group works together. Was it difficult to complete the task? Why? How do you feel after completing the task? Let's continue our acquaintance: Find a couple. (2 min.) Let's fantasize: Warm autumn, leaves fall, colorful leaves lie on the ground. Questions: How did you feel playing this game? What is your mood? Main body Master. It is in such a kind and warm atmosphere that one should probably talk about the most important thing in the life of every person - about parental love. Everyone considers themselves loving parents, and this is quite natural. We really adore our children, and the best confirmation of this is that we feel constant love in our souls. But one more thing is important for children - how we show this feeling. Parenthood is perhaps the most profound responsibility that an adult can take on. Most importantly, the special role of parenting is to love and educate their children, as well as to form in them feelings of high self-esteem and self-confidence. Communication and relationships with other people originate and develop in childhood. For a child, adults are a model in everything. Children learn well what is presented visually, they want to learn everything from their own experience. He is especially attracted to those activities that adults try to hide from him. The baby does not remember everything, but only what struck him. They always try to imitate adults, which is sometimes dangerous. Unable to distinguish between good and bad, they tend to do what adults forbid them, but allow themselves. In this regard, in the presence of children, one must refrain from such actions and deeds that cannot serve as a good example for them. Children's speech develops better in an atmosphere of love, calmness, when adults listen attentively to them, communicate with children, read fairy tales to them and discuss what they have read. If a child does not feel sensitivity and love from those around him, then he develops a distrustful attitude towards the world, and possibly a feeling of fear, which can persist for a lifetime. In the process of developing a child's communication skills, much attention must be paid to the formation of the child's personal qualities, his feelings, emotions. When people are happy and at peace with themselves, they transfer those feelings to relationships with others. Today we must understand that parental love will bring a child much more happiness if he constantly sees that it manifests itself in the relationship of parents not only to him, but also to each other, and the child should feel love. “Happiness is when you are loved and understood”, and this understanding does not come by itself, it needs to be learned. So, let's go with you along the path of parental love. The purpose of the training is: to promote the improvement of child-parent relationships and the formation of effective interaction skills. Our task is to show parents the degree of understanding of their child, to help them become more aware of their relationship with their children and emotionally enrich them. Group rules. Purpose: Emphasizing the participants on the observance of the rules of work in the group and the regulation of work. Leader. Participants of the training do everything themselves. In order for our meeting to be productive, certain rules must be followed. We will not judge each other, we will not discuss anyone. We will create an atmosphere of security, trust and openness. This will allow you to experiment without being shy about making mistakes. The rules are printed on sheets (can be written on the board), let's discuss and choose the ones that suit us for effective interaction:
So, we have defined the rules of conduct at the training. Perhaps someone wants to make adjustments? Exercise "My Expectations" Purpose: to determine the expectations of participants from working in a group. Leader. Dear parents! Here are stickers cut out in the shape of a heart. Draw a symbol that characterizes your family and write down your hopes and expectations from our meeting on them. Next, you should voice them and attach them to the poster "Path of parental love", which shows a path stretching upwards from the house "Parental love" Stickers must be attached at the beginning of the path, near the house. Figure 1.
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Such parents allow children to do whatever they want, even to the point of ignoring outbursts of anger and aggressive behavior. 
I really want to improve the quality of their conduct, taking into account your interests, requests, opinions. 
You walk through the forest, the leaves rustle under your feet. There is a beautiful lake in front of you, the water is shining, and you want to go on a boat and enjoy the smell of the forest, water and this beauty. Hoops are boats. To the music, you will walk along the shore of a wonderful lake, around which there is an autumn multi-colored forest, when the melody stops sounding, you need to choose a boat for yourself, their number is limited. Nobody should stay on the shore. 
What type of upbringing is considered the best
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How to raise a child correctly 900.05 philosophical question 900.
05 But still, experts have some recommendations.
In the 1960s, American psychologist Diane Baumrind developed the concept of parenting styles. She identified three styles: condescending, authoritarian, and authoritative.
Later, her colleagues expanded the classification by adding a fourth style - uninvolved. They differ in how involved parents are in their children's lives and in the level of emotional support. This concept is still widely used by psychologists and helps parents choose the right parenting tactics.
Of course, this is not a strict classification. Sometimes indulgent parents can act more harshly - for example, take a child by the hand when crossing a busy street, even if he does not want to. And strict parents can give up their principles and allow children to eat ice cream for lunch instead of soup. But still, adults usually stick to one style.
Parenting style can influence a variety of aspects of a child's life: self-esteem, social skills, thirst for knowledge, and future career success.
Here are the researchers' findings on how parenting styles affect children's lives.
Disengaged style
Disengaged parents, as the name implies, are not actively involved in the lives of their children. They barely provide for the basic needs of the child, and this is where their concern ends. The children of such parents do not receive emotional support, but they do not require strict discipline or good grades either.
Uninvolved parents are likely to agree with the following statements:
There is a lot of stress in my life, so I can't spend much time with my child.
I don't know what the child does when he is not at home.
When making decisions, I take into account only my desires, not the child's.
How it affects the child. An uninvolved parenting style has an extremely negative effect on the child's psyche.
Spanish researchers identified the parenting style of adolescents and then asked them to rate their school achievements, relationships with peers and family - whether they feel confident and loved, and physical fitness - for example, how satisfied they are with their appearance.
Personality and Nature: Parental Socialization, Self-Esteem and Environmental Values in Spanish Adolescents - NCBI
Children who are neglected by their parents have been found to have lower self-esteem than their peers. Scientists believe that the point is the lack of attachment and dialogue between children and adults - in such conditions, children become unsure of their abilities.
In addition, the children of uninvolved parents often do poorly in school. The researchers compared the grades of 248 schoolchildren in different subjects and what behavior their parents are prone to. The performance of children from uncaring families turned out to be low. The authors of the study believe that the reason is the lack of parental control and support. When adults are not interested in their child's education and do not try to motivate him, it is more difficult for children to force themselves to study.
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Another marker of disengaged parenting is too little physical activity and too much screen time: children of disengaged parents spend an average of 30 minutes watching TV and playing video games more than their peers.
This is understandable: their parents are not interested in spending time together.
Parents, not TV, can determine whether children will be active or stay at home - ScienceDaily
As a result, children who grow up in an atmosphere of indifference are prone to depression and anxiety. They cannot learn to regulate their emotions - for example, to calm down on their own in stressful situations. Any problem becomes a serious test for them.
Of course, parents do not always have the opportunity to devote much time to their children. And if adults are sometimes too busy with work or other things, this does not mean that they are not involved in education. But if such situations occur constantly, it may mean that children do not receive enough attention.
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Indulgent style
Indulgent parents are very warm to their children, but do not pay much attention to discipline and do not try anything to control them.
Children are free to make their own decisions, even erroneous ones, on many issues: from what time they go to bed to the need to do homework.
Adults seek to avoid punishment and conflict with children, and may use various "bribes" to get children to behave well. Because of this approach, parents do not become authority figures, and their relationship with children is more like a friendly one.
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Permissive parents are likely to agree with the following statements:
I cannot say no to a child, even when it is necessary.
Because of the excessive love and sympathy I show for my child, he has problems with discipline.
I have no requirements for the child, I give him complete freedom.
How it affects the child. Children of indulgent parents usually do not experience problems with self-esteem due to the acquired skill of making decisions.
Analysis of the relationship between parenting styles and self-esteem of university students in Malaysia - ResearchGate
But the indulgent style has its drawbacks. Lack of discipline can lead to problems with motivation and self-control in children. This was found out by scientists from the United States who interviewed more than a thousand parents with children from 8 months to 7 years old.
A study of correlates of self-regulation in early childhood in a representative sample of English-speaking American families - NCBI
They also found that young children with indulgent parents were more likely to have cavities and be more likely to be obese. Adults take little part in the choice of healthy food for the child, and it is difficult for the child to control his own food.
Relationships with peers are also not always good. Children of permissive parents are more likely to be bullied. When adults instantly satisfy any need of a child, he cannot learn to defend his interests in an unfriendly environment.
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Authoritarian style
Authoritarian parenting style is strict. First of all, parents seek obedience. Mistakes are punished, and the child's wishes are often not taken into account. Authoritarian parents often criticize their children and rarely show concern or praise for accomplishments.
Authoritarian parents are likely to agree with the following statements:
My child's future is in my hands, so he has a strict plan to follow.
I cannot tolerate a child's bad behavior or accept excuses for mistakes.
Only through punishment can a child's behavior be corrected.
If you do not control the child, he will sit on the neck.
How it affects the child. As a rule, children do not appreciate such treatment, and severity does not help to avoid behavioral problems. Such upbringing leads to the fact that children become dissatisfied, withdrawn and distrustful.
Authoritarian parents usually set the rules, but do not explain their reasons to the child. They expect children to comply without asking questions. This often leads to the opposite result: because adults do not become authority figures, children begin to resist the rules.
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Teenage rebellion can backfire. Sometimes children begin to doubt that the observance of laws is really necessary. Studies show that children of authoritarian parents are more likely to commit crimes like shoplifting. They are also more likely to break social rules by fighting and drinking alcohol.
In school, children of authoritarian parents perform worse than those with milder parents. Moreover, this happens not only in America and Europe, but also in Asian countries, where a strict parenting style is common. This conclusion was made by researchers from Pakistan, who analyzed the performance of one hundred schoolchildren 9-17 years.
Due to the excessive demands of parents, children's self-esteem suffers, which can negatively affect motivation.
Supportive Parenting and Adjustment for Adolescents in the Former East and West Germany - NCBI
Relationship between Authoritarian Parenting Style and School Achievement - ResearchGate
Lack of self-confidence can lead to increased anxiety and even depression. These negative effects can be very long-lasting: Spanish adults raised in authoritarian families have lower levels of happiness and life satisfaction.
Authoritative style
Authoritative parenting style combines support and attention to the child's needs, as well as clear rules of conduct and discipline. Authoritative parents openly explain to their children why this or that rule is established and what the consequences will be for breaking it.
At the same time, adults encourage a certain degree of independence and listen to the opinion of the child, so their requirements can be flexible.
For example, a child considers it too strict the rule to return home on weekends no later than 21:00. Authoritative parents discuss the new "curfew" with him and praise him for complying with the requirement.
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Authoritative parents are likely to agree with the following statements: complete freedom to share your opinion with me.
I praise the child for listening to me or behaving well.
I will not force the child to choose any particular profession, but I will help him to set a realistic goal and achieve it.
I accept my child's feelings in any situation and try to get his opinion when I buy him something.
How it affects the child. This parenting style is considered the most reasonable and effective. A meta-analysis of 428 studies found that children from authoritative families tend to rarely have behavior problems and perform better in school.
American researchers explain it this way: children who grew up in an authoritative family, as a rule, are inquisitive and self-confident. They are interested in learning and are ready to make efforts to gain knowledge - as a result, their grades are higher than those of their peers. And as adults, they often earn more than those who did not receive the same amount of parental support and attention.
The concept of authoritative parenting and its impact on academic achievement - MedCrave
How parenting style affects your child's future - ScienceDaily
Authoritative parenting has a beneficial effect on more than just learning. Children of such parents become more empathic, they smoke and drink less alcohol, and are also more popular at school.
How to Become an Authoritative Parent
If you find yourself often behaving in a way that is not an authoritative parent, it is important not to despair and to strive to change your behavior patterns.
Psychotherapist Amy Morin recommends following these rules:
- Listen to your child. Ask for his opinion more often and offer choices - for example, what he wants for dinner or when he wants to do housework. Such situations teach children to make decisions.
- Be sensitive to your child's feelings. Do not neglect them, even if it seems that he has no reason to be sad. It is better to support and explain that it is normal to experience negative emotions, but you should not give them an outlet in an unacceptable way. For example, explain that a child can be angry with a peer, but should not start a fight because of this.
- Reward your child when he does the right thing. If he is late for school in the morning, praise him on the days when he arrives on time.
- Do not blame the child for making a mistake. Instead, it is better to explain why he did wrong and how to behave next time so as not to make a mistake again.
- Set clear house rules and explain why they need to be followed.
