Peter pan syndrome narcissism
Signs, Causes, and Dealing with It
“All children, except one, grow up,” J. M. Barrie wrote in his 1911 novel “Peter and Wendy.” He was speaking of Peter Pan, the original boy who wouldn’t grow up.
While there’s no actual magic preventing children from physically growing up, some adults continue to cling to the carefree days of youth and find emotional and financial responsibilities challenging well into adulthood.
“Peter Pan syndrome,” the current name for this pattern of behavior, first appears in Dr. Dan Kiley’s 1983 book, “Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up.”
While Kiley focused on this behavior in men, Peter Pan syndrome can affect people of any gender or culture.
Keep in mind this isn’t a recognized mental health condition. Still, many experts agree this pattern of behavior can have an impact on someone’s relationships and quality of life.
Ever said, “I can’t adult today”? People with Peter Pan syndrome tend to live by this philosophy every day.
Since Peter Pan syndrome isn’t a clinical diagnosis, experts haven’t determined any official symptoms. Here’s some consensus on how it often plays out in relationships, at work, and in personal attitudes toward responsibility and accountability.
Relationship signs
“In relationships, I think this shows up most clearly in divergent levels of ambition, expectations, life goals, and ability to make commitments,” explains Patrick Cheatham, a psychologist in Portland, Oregon.
If your partner has Peter Pan syndrome, you might get the impression they’d have a hard time making it in the world alone.
Their dishes might pile up in the sink. They might avoid doing laundry until they have nothing clean to wear. You might find yourself regularly helping out with chores just to get their home a little more habitable.
They may:
- let you plan activities and make big decisions
- neglect household chores and child care responsibilities
- prefer to “live for today” and show little interest in making long-term plans
- show signs of emotional unavailability, such as not wanting to label or define relationships
- spend money unwisely and have other trouble with personal finances
- consistently avoid addressing relationship issues in productive ways
Work-related signs
People with Peter Pan syndrome also tend to struggle with job and career goals, according to Cheatham.
They may:
- have a pattern of job loss due to lack of effort, tardiness, or skipping work
- make little real effort to find a job
- leave jobs frequently when they feel bored, challenged, or stressed
- only take part-time work and have no interest in pursuing promotion opportunities
- move from field to field without spending time developing skills in any particular area
In some cases, this issue can also show up in the form of unrealistic goals, such as dreams of becoming a pro athlete or landing a record deal.
These are certainly possibilities for some people, and there’s nothing wrong with pursuing them in healthy ways. But if these ambitions prevent success in other areas of life, it may be time to consider more realistic career options.
Spinning these dreams as reality without making any real effort to achieve them can also suggest Peter Pan syndrome.
Attitude, mood, and behavioral signs
People with Peter Pan syndrome may seem a little helpless.
You might have a general impression they can’t “get it together” and notice things like:
- a pattern of unreliability and flaking out
- emotional outbursts when facing stressful situations
- a tendency to make excuses and blame others when things go wrong
- little or no interest in personal growth
- expectations of being taken care of
- fear of negative evaluation
- a pattern of substance use, often with a goal of escaping difficult feelings or responsibilities
- a desire to keep their options open instead of making concrete plans
These signs can also relate to other issues, but someone who shows several of the above signs and symptoms may have Peter Pan syndrome.
Narcissism comes up a lot in discussions about Peter Pan syndrome, but they’re different concepts.
It’s true that some people living with this syndrome also show some narcissistic tendencies. But many people have some narcissistic traits without meeting full criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.
What’s more, not everyone with traits of Peter Pan syndrome also has traits of narcissism.
That said, the two issues do share some similarities.
People with narcissism may also:
- fail to accept accountability
- blame others for failures
- prioritize personal desires over others’ needs
- fear criticism or conflict
With narcissism, however, devaluation of others and a lack of empathy tend to accompany these behaviors.
Many experts consider narcissistic defenses an extreme method of compensating for low self-esteem and self-worth. People who make an effort to explore narcissistic traits in therapy may discover feelings of inadequacy and emptiness.
People with Peter Pan syndrome may arrive at those same feelings through a different route, according to Cheatham. He goes on to explain that, with few personal accomplishments to show others, they may face disrespect and dismissal.
Eventually, these experiences can play into feelings of low self-worth and failure, which some people may try to manage by “doubling down” on things like sensation-seeking and avoiding challenges.
“While the narcissistic dilemma reflects some of the downsides of Peter Pan syndrome,” Cheatham says, “I hesitate to say they’re directly related.”
Peter Pan syndrome is largely associated with males (and has been from the start). It’s worth noting, however, that most of Kiley’s research was done in the 1970s and ’80s, when gender roles were a bit more fixed than they are today.
Still, information from the University of Granada and a 2010 study looking at 29 young Navajo women both suggest it’s mostly — but not always — males who experience Peter Pan syndrome.
To date, there’s a lack of research examining how these behaviors show up across gender. The studies that do exist are pretty small.
While Kiley focused his research on males, he did identify a counterpart in females known as Wendy syndrome, in reference to Peter Pan’s female companion.
Much like in the story, females in this role often enable the Peter Pan in their lives, often without realizing it.
They might do this by making decisions for them, tidying up their messes, and offering one-sided emotional support.
There’s no single cause for the behaviors associated with Peter Pan syndrome. It’s likely the result of the following complex factors.
Childhood experiences
“Certain parenting styles can result in people who didn’t learn adult-level life skills, are canny at avoiding responsibilities and commitments, overly focus on sensation-seeking and hedonism, and romanticize freedom and escapism,” Cheatham says.
Those with Peter Pan syndrome often have overly protective or very permissive parents. Those are two pretty different parenting styles, but here’s the breakdown:
Permissive parenting
Overly permissive parents often don’t set many (or any) boundaries on your behavior. As a result, you grow up believing it’s OK to do whatever you want.
When you did something wrong, your parents took care of any fallout and protected you from blame, so you never learned that certain actions have consequences.
If they took care of your financial needs into early adulthood and never expected you to work for things you wanted, you may not understand why you need to work now.
Protective parenting
Protective parents, on the other hand, can make you feel as if the adult world is frightening and full of difficulties.
They might encourage you to enjoy childhood and fail to teach skills like budgeting, housecleaning or simple repair skills, and relationship maintenance behaviors.
Parents who want to prolong your youth may also avoid discussing these adult concepts with you. This can lead you to steer around these concepts in your own life.
Economic factors
Cheatham also points out that economic hardship and stagnation can contribute to Peter Pan syndrome, especially in younger generations. In other words, “adulting” might be a bit harder than it used to be.
“I think it takes more hustle, self-motivation, and social skills to guide a career than it did in the past,” he says.
Failure to Launch, a 2013 report generated by Georgetown University, suggests that technological and structural changes in the American economy make for a more jarring transition between adolescence and early adulthood.
Lower wages and fewer opportunities to get ahead in the workforce can also stall already low motivation to pursue a career you feel less than enthusiastic about.
College tuition rates that have outpaced inflation have created added financial stress and anxiety, which some people attempt to manage by avoiding financial responsibility entirely.
Maintaining a playful outlook can help reduce stress and improve long-term mental health, so having a child-like, curious personality can definitely have its upsides.
Someone with Peter Pan syndrome might, for example, live more spontaneously and encourage you to enjoy the small things in life. They might have a loving, sweet personality. You probably have a lot of fun together.
Peter Pan syndrome goes beyond everyday playfulness, however, and involves the skirting of responsibilities.
When this mindset begins to creep into other aspects of life, problems can develop.
All of this sound a little too much like your partner?
While it is possible to encourage and support positive change in a partner, it’s generally not possible to change someone who isn’t ready or willing to do the work.
“Trying to change your partner’s level of commitment or ambition will only frustrate you both,” Cheatham explains. He cautions against radically lowering or modifying your expectations to continue the relationship.
Instead, he recommends communicating your own ambitions, expectations, and life goals.
“It’s about setting a tone of adulthood and seeing how they respect and respond to that,” Cheatham says.
If you’ve made your partner aware of what you want from the relationship and your life together, and they show no signs of sharing those same goals, it’s time decide whether to accept the relationship as it stands or seek out a partner whose goals and behaviors do align with what you want.
Ending enabling behaviors, like cleaning up after your partner or paying their bills, may help them recognize the need for change.
“All relationships involve compromise and negotiation, but hopefully you can find some middle path between changing someone and enabling them,” Cheatham concludes.
Adulthood brings plenty of complicated things to worry about: relationship and parenting challenges, student loan payments, joblessness, and more.
In short, it’s not easy to be a productive, tax-paying member of society. It’s pretty normal to wish you could return to your teenage years, when your primary responsibilities were biology exams and watching your little sister.
If you realize you tend to avoid necessary parts of adulthood, like finding consistent work or taking care of errands and chores, it’s important to understand why.
Although it’s certainly possible to make changes on your own, failing to identify the factors playing into these patterns can set you up to fall right back into them.
Therapy is key to successful exploration. Therapists can offer nonjudgmental support by helping you examine patterns in your life and notice how they affect your relationships and chances of success.
In therapy, you can also explore other concerns leading you to rely on your partner for emotional and financial support, including money worries, anxiety, or fears of loneliness.
Get started with our guide to affordable therapy.
Peter Pan syndrome is more of a set of behaviors than an official diagnosis. While it’s typically associated with males, it can apply to anyone.
If you feel like your partner exhibits these behaviors, all you can do is clarify your needs and goals. From that point, it’s your choice whether to take them as they are.
Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health.
In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.
Signs, Causes, and Dealing with It
“All children, except one, grow up,” J. M. Barrie wrote in his 1911 novel “Peter and Wendy.” He was speaking of Peter Pan, the original boy who wouldn’t grow up.
While there’s no actual magic preventing children from physically growing up, some adults continue to cling to the carefree days of youth and find emotional and financial responsibilities challenging well into adulthood.
“Peter Pan syndrome,” the current name for this pattern of behavior, first appears in Dr. Dan Kiley’s 1983 book, “Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Have Never Grown Up.”
While Kiley focused on this behavior in men, Peter Pan syndrome can affect people of any gender or culture.
Keep in mind this isn’t a recognized mental health condition. Still, many experts agree this pattern of behavior can have an impact on someone’s relationships and quality of life.
Ever said, “I can’t adult today”? People with Peter Pan syndrome tend to live by this philosophy every day.
Since Peter Pan syndrome isn’t a clinical diagnosis, experts haven’t determined any official symptoms. Here’s some consensus on how it often plays out in relationships, at work, and in personal attitudes toward responsibility and accountability.
Relationship signs
“In relationships, I think this shows up most clearly in divergent levels of ambition, expectations, life goals, and ability to make commitments,” explains Patrick Cheatham, a psychologist in Portland, Oregon.
If your partner has Peter Pan syndrome, you might get the impression they’d have a hard time making it in the world alone.
Their dishes might pile up in the sink. They might avoid doing laundry until they have nothing clean to wear. You might find yourself regularly helping out with chores just to get their home a little more habitable.
They may:
- let you plan activities and make big decisions
- neglect household chores and child care responsibilities
- prefer to “live for today” and show little interest in making long-term plans
- show signs of emotional unavailability, such as not wanting to label or define relationships
- spend money unwisely and have other trouble with personal finances
- consistently avoid addressing relationship issues in productive ways
Work-related signs
People with Peter Pan syndrome also tend to struggle with job and career goals, according to Cheatham.
They may:
- have a pattern of job loss due to lack of effort, tardiness, or skipping work
- make little real effort to find a job
- leave jobs frequently when they feel bored, challenged, or stressed
- only take part-time work and have no interest in pursuing promotion opportunities
- move from field to field without spending time developing skills in any particular area
In some cases, this issue can also show up in the form of unrealistic goals, such as dreams of becoming a pro athlete or landing a record deal.
These are certainly possibilities for some people, and there’s nothing wrong with pursuing them in healthy ways. But if these ambitions prevent success in other areas of life, it may be time to consider more realistic career options.
Spinning these dreams as reality without making any real effort to achieve them can also suggest Peter Pan syndrome.
Attitude, mood, and behavioral signs
People with Peter Pan syndrome may seem a little helpless.
You might have a general impression they can’t “get it together” and notice things like:
- a pattern of unreliability and flaking out
- emotional outbursts when facing stressful situations
- a tendency to make excuses and blame others when things go wrong
- little or no interest in personal growth
- expectations of being taken care of
- fear of negative evaluation
- a pattern of substance use, often with a goal of escaping difficult feelings or responsibilities
- a desire to keep their options open instead of making concrete plans
These signs can also relate to other issues, but someone who shows several of the above signs and symptoms may have Peter Pan syndrome.
Narcissism comes up a lot in discussions about Peter Pan syndrome, but they’re different concepts.
It’s true that some people living with this syndrome also show some narcissistic tendencies. But many people have some narcissistic traits without meeting full criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.
What’s more, not everyone with traits of Peter Pan syndrome also has traits of narcissism.
That said, the two issues do share some similarities.
People with narcissism may also:
- fail to accept accountability
- blame others for failures
- prioritize personal desires over others’ needs
- fear criticism or conflict
With narcissism, however, devaluation of others and a lack of empathy tend to accompany these behaviors.
Many experts consider narcissistic defenses an extreme method of compensating for low self-esteem and self-worth. People who make an effort to explore narcissistic traits in therapy may discover feelings of inadequacy and emptiness.
People with Peter Pan syndrome may arrive at those same feelings through a different route, according to Cheatham. He goes on to explain that, with few personal accomplishments to show others, they may face disrespect and dismissal.
Eventually, these experiences can play into feelings of low self-worth and failure, which some people may try to manage by “doubling down” on things like sensation-seeking and avoiding challenges.
“While the narcissistic dilemma reflects some of the downsides of Peter Pan syndrome,” Cheatham says, “I hesitate to say they’re directly related.”
Peter Pan syndrome is largely associated with males (and has been from the start). It’s worth noting, however, that most of Kiley’s research was done in the 1970s and ’80s, when gender roles were a bit more fixed than they are today.
Still, information from the University of Granada and a 2010 study looking at 29 young Navajo women both suggest it’s mostly — but not always — males who experience Peter Pan syndrome.
To date, there’s a lack of research examining how these behaviors show up across gender. The studies that do exist are pretty small.
While Kiley focused his research on males, he did identify a counterpart in females known as Wendy syndrome, in reference to Peter Pan’s female companion.
Much like in the story, females in this role often enable the Peter Pan in their lives, often without realizing it.
They might do this by making decisions for them, tidying up their messes, and offering one-sided emotional support.
There’s no single cause for the behaviors associated with Peter Pan syndrome. It’s likely the result of the following complex factors.
Childhood experiences
“Certain parenting styles can result in people who didn’t learn adult-level life skills, are canny at avoiding responsibilities and commitments, overly focus on sensation-seeking and hedonism, and romanticize freedom and escapism,” Cheatham says.
Those with Peter Pan syndrome often have overly protective or very permissive parents. Those are two pretty different parenting styles, but here’s the breakdown:
Permissive parenting
Overly permissive parents often don’t set many (or any) boundaries on your behavior. As a result, you grow up believing it’s OK to do whatever you want.
When you did something wrong, your parents took care of any fallout and protected you from blame, so you never learned that certain actions have consequences.
If they took care of your financial needs into early adulthood and never expected you to work for things you wanted, you may not understand why you need to work now.
Protective parenting
Protective parents, on the other hand, can make you feel as if the adult world is frightening and full of difficulties.
They might encourage you to enjoy childhood and fail to teach skills like budgeting, housecleaning or simple repair skills, and relationship maintenance behaviors.
Parents who want to prolong your youth may also avoid discussing these adult concepts with you. This can lead you to steer around these concepts in your own life.
Economic factors
Cheatham also points out that economic hardship and stagnation can contribute to Peter Pan syndrome, especially in younger generations. In other words, “adulting” might be a bit harder than it used to be.
“I think it takes more hustle, self-motivation, and social skills to guide a career than it did in the past,” he says.
Failure to Launch, a 2013 report generated by Georgetown University, suggests that technological and structural changes in the American economy make for a more jarring transition between adolescence and early adulthood.
Lower wages and fewer opportunities to get ahead in the workforce can also stall already low motivation to pursue a career you feel less than enthusiastic about.
College tuition rates that have outpaced inflation have created added financial stress and anxiety, which some people attempt to manage by avoiding financial responsibility entirely.
Maintaining a playful outlook can help reduce stress and improve long-term mental health, so having a child-like, curious personality can definitely have its upsides.
Someone with Peter Pan syndrome might, for example, live more spontaneously and encourage you to enjoy the small things in life. They might have a loving, sweet personality. You probably have a lot of fun together.
Peter Pan syndrome goes beyond everyday playfulness, however, and involves the skirting of responsibilities.
When this mindset begins to creep into other aspects of life, problems can develop.
All of this sound a little too much like your partner?
While it is possible to encourage and support positive change in a partner, it’s generally not possible to change someone who isn’t ready or willing to do the work.
“Trying to change your partner’s level of commitment or ambition will only frustrate you both,” Cheatham explains. He cautions against radically lowering or modifying your expectations to continue the relationship.
Instead, he recommends communicating your own ambitions, expectations, and life goals.
“It’s about setting a tone of adulthood and seeing how they respect and respond to that,” Cheatham says.
If you’ve made your partner aware of what you want from the relationship and your life together, and they show no signs of sharing those same goals, it’s time decide whether to accept the relationship as it stands or seek out a partner whose goals and behaviors do align with what you want.
Ending enabling behaviors, like cleaning up after your partner or paying their bills, may help them recognize the need for change.
“All relationships involve compromise and negotiation, but hopefully you can find some middle path between changing someone and enabling them,” Cheatham concludes.
Adulthood brings plenty of complicated things to worry about: relationship and parenting challenges, student loan payments, joblessness, and more.
In short, it’s not easy to be a productive, tax-paying member of society. It’s pretty normal to wish you could return to your teenage years, when your primary responsibilities were biology exams and watching your little sister.
If you realize you tend to avoid necessary parts of adulthood, like finding consistent work or taking care of errands and chores, it’s important to understand why.
Although it’s certainly possible to make changes on your own, failing to identify the factors playing into these patterns can set you up to fall right back into them.
Therapy is key to successful exploration. Therapists can offer nonjudgmental support by helping you examine patterns in your life and notice how they affect your relationships and chances of success.
In therapy, you can also explore other concerns leading you to rely on your partner for emotional and financial support, including money worries, anxiety, or fears of loneliness.
Get started with our guide to affordable therapy.
Peter Pan syndrome is more of a set of behaviors than an official diagnosis. While it’s typically associated with males, it can apply to anyone.
If you feel like your partner exhibits these behaviors, all you can do is clarify your needs and goals. From that point, it’s your choice whether to take them as they are.
Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health.
In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.
Peter Pan Syndrome - Psychoalchemy
Hobbes said that "a wicked man is a child who has gained strength."
Narcissism, egocentrism, infantilism, and even the so-called psychopathic character are malformations if a person is already an adult, and normal stages of development for a child and adolescent.
Much of what touches us in children looks scary in adults.
At the same time, there is something in children that it is desirable to keep forever, something on which the plasticity of the psyche, creativity and the ability for active growth are based: curiosity, ease, spontaneity, openness to new impressions and the so-called openness and uncluttered look at world.
Thus, the task of separating flies from meatballs: useful childish qualities from harmful infantilism does not seem so simple. It is not easy for everyone to understand what is desirable "childishness" in an adult, and what is undesirable egocentrism.
Such is, for example, Peter Pan. It combines excellent qualities with unbearable ones. He is a universal idol and an eternal problem for people who love him. Such is Carlson, an inimitable inventor and an incomparable egoist. Sergei Mikhalkov has a fairy tale "The Feast of Disobedience", where adults left the city to give the children long-awaited freedom, and the city turned into a feast during the plague for a while, where dinners consisted of ice cream and chocolate, and there were no rules in games.
The difference between an infantile person and an adult is that the first person has no support within himself and therefore tries to rely on something from the outside, to shift responsibility for his well-being onto others. This can be rationalized in different ways, and it is always rationalized, because the problem that they do not want to solve is always hidden in an elegant wrapper to avoid stress. Such a wrapper for infantilism can be, for example, religiosity, and under the guise of this, hope in manna from heaven and the finger of God.
Such religiosity differs from mature religiosity in that in the first case, a person focuses on his duty to God and responsibility, and in the second, on the rejection of his own will under the guise of humility before the will of God, that is, in essence, on God’s duty to take care of himself . Sometimes infantilism is rationalized under political activism. Such people like to accuse others of being infantile and "passive in life". In fact, the political aspirations of activists often have only one goal: to change a bad Parent for a good one, in order to take away parental rights from the first and put responsibility for their lives on the second.
Downshifting often acts as a rationalization of infantilism. In this phenomenon, like nowhere else, the positive and negative features of Peter Pan are mixed. On the one hand, there is a thirst for adventure, research activity, a refusal to blindly obey someone else's will and a denial of routine. These are certainly important qualities worthy of all admiration and imitation.
On the other hand, under the positive aspects of downshifting, negative ones are often hidden, and the former often act only as a wrapper, that is, a rationalization, for the latter. “Thirst for adventure” wraps around the inability to bear responsibility for one's life and the readiness to “surrender to the will of rock” as in children's romantic stories. Such “readiness” is truly infantile, because “surrendering to the will” a person, in fact, is not ready to accept any difficulties from this will of fate, but expects that this very “rock” will be his caring mother like Wendy for Peter or The kid for Carlson will take care of him and treat him with jam. In the event that the will of fate suddenly turns out to be evil or indifferent, such an adventurer begins to roar loudly and break toys. Under the "research activity" often hides the inability to work. So many people imagine themselves to be creative people just because they don't like monotonous hard work. As a rule, this sign indicates the opposite, since creativity includes monotonous work too.
Here's a story that's been talked about a lot in the blogosphere. Two guys came up with a project: a round-the-world trip and a video about it on social networks. The project is beautiful and creative, but real downshifting can only be afforded by a person who has accumulated enough resources for this: money, life skills in field conditions, good physical shape, and everything else that will allow him to be responsible for all the hardships and difficulties. such a life. If the only motive for downshifting is “thirst for adventure”, that is, the expectation of a holiday that life will give just like that, and hatred of social work (most often just laziness and spoiledness) becomes the base, such romantics are sure to expect excesses. In this case, the girl deleted the video from the group and wrote a devastating post in which she accused her partner of living on the money of her and her parents, lying to the group's subscribers and constantly beating her. And the partner in response recorded a video and composed a song about .
.. well, it doesn’t matter what, everyone who hasn’t listened can enjoy. It is important that as a result of any holiday of disobedience, misfortunes and illnesses occur, because eternal children need a mother-Wendy for their holiday, who will take care of, or at least the Kid, who will become Carlson's "mother". If Carlson and Peter Pan are in a pair and not a single Kid and Wendy, fights begin between the two infantiles.
Regarding downshifting, I would like to recall two passages from articles by two great psychologists, Carl Jung and Gordon Allport. The first wrote that when Western people try to imitate the Eastern people, run away from society, try to "take energy from nature" and meditate, expecting that this will help their development, they miss an important point. What is “earth” for a person formed in one culture and nourishes his muladhara chakra is different from what nourishes a person in another culture. What does it mean? The earth nourishes the pagan, because he knows how to work on the earth, receives a harvest from it, for the harvest he receives recognition and respect from his fellow tribesmen, and this is his main material support - a resource.
For a Western person, such a “land” is society and the opportunity to work for money, gaining recognition and building a reputation. This is his main support. If a Westerner wants to get energy from the earth and nature, he must become a farmer, rebuild his life, learn to work on the earth. If he is a vacationing tourist looking for an eternal holiday and entertainment, then he will take energy from the same society as his fellows. That is, from your bank account, if you managed to earn money, or beg from your parents and friends, if you didn’t. In the latter case, he will be scolded and shamed, and then he will take out all his childhood insults in a childish way - with swearing and fists on the one who turned up under the arm and turned out to be weaker.
And Allport wrote that Western psychology should pay attention to the stages of personality development in the Indian tradition:
- pleasure seeking
- security search
- seeking respect
- service search
- search for freedom
It is very important to note here that the search for freedom can only be after the full formation of the stage of service, when a person wants and can take care of others without expecting anything in return, and the stage of service can only be after the stage of respect, when a person has already been able to receive respect and recognition, not before.
If, after stage 1) the search for pleasure, stage 5) the search for freedom immediately begins, since at stage 2) the search for security, slippage has begun, extreme insecurity and violence are obtained. And a feast during the plague.
© Marina Komissarova
Source: evo_lutio.livejournal.com
Peter Pan syndrome: signs, causes and how to cope
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“All children, except one, grow up,” wrote J. M. Barry in his 1911 novel Peter and Wendy. He was talking about Peter Pan, the original boy who never grew up.
Although there is no real magic that can prevent children from growing physically, some adults continue to cling to the carefree days of adolescence and find emotional and financial obligations difficult into adulthood.
"Peter Pan Syndrome", the current name for this behavior pattern, first appeared in Dr. Dan Keely's 1983 book, "Peter Pan Syndrome: Men Who Never Grow Up".
While Kylie has focused on such male behavior, Peter Pan Syndrome can affect people of any gender and culture.
Please note that this is not recognized as mental health. However, many experts agree that this pattern of behavior can affect relationships and quality of life.
content
What it looks like
Have you ever said, "I can't come of age today?" People with Peter Pan syndrome live by this philosophy every day.
Since Peter Pan Syndrome is not a clinical diagnosis, the experts did not identify any official symptoms. Here are some views on how this often manifests itself in relationships, at work, and in personal attitudes towards accountability and responsibility.
Relationship signs
“I think in a relationship this is most pronounced in different levels of ambition, expectations, life goals and ability to make commitments,” he explains. Patrick Cheatham is a psychologist in Portland, Oregon.
If your partner has Peter Pan Syndrome, you may get the impression that it will be difficult for him to succeed in this world.
Their dishes can be collected in the sink.
They may not wash their laundry until they find something clean. You can help with things regularly, just to make their home a little more comfortable.
They can:
- let them plan activities and make important decisions
- neglect household chores and responsibilities towards children
- they prefer to “live in the moment” and have little interest in long-term plans
- they show signs of emotional unavailability, such as unwillingness to label or define relationships
- you spend money recklessly and have other problems with your personal finances
- Consistently avoid handling relationship problems in a productive way
Work-related signs
Cheetham, people with Peter Pan syndrome also tend to struggle with career and career goals.
They may:
- tend to lose their jobs due to lack of effort, procrastination, or skipping work
- make a real effort to find a job
- often leave work when they are bored, challenged or stressed
- Only works part-time and is not interested in seeking promotion opportunities
- Move from field to field without spending time developing skills in any particular area
In some cases, this problem can also manifest itself as goals, such as dreaming of becoming an athlete or achieving a record-breaking job.
These are some options for some people and there is nothing wrong with exploring them in a healthy way. But if those ambitions are getting in the way of success in other areas of life, it might be time to consider more realistic career options.
Turning these dreams into reality without any real effort to realize them can also indicate Peter Pan syndrome.
Signs of attitude, mood and behavior
People with Peter Pan syndrome can seem a little helpless. You may get the general impression that I can't "get together" and notice things like:
- patterns of insecurity and distortion
- emotional outbursts when faced with stressful situations
- tendency to forgive and blame others when something goes wrong
- low or no interest in personal growth
- expectation of care
- fear of negative evaluation
- sample of a substance, often to avoid hurt or responsibility open their options for them to make concrete plans
These signs may apply to other problems, but someone who has several of the above signs and symptoms may have Peter Pan syndrome.
Narcissism can (sometimes) play a role
Narcissism is often mentioned in discussions about Peter Pan syndrome, but they are different concepts.
It is true that some people living with this syndrome also show some narcissistic tendencies. But many people have some narcissistic traits, but they don't meet all the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder.
Moreover, not all people with Peter Pan traits also have narcissistic traits.
However, there are some similarities between the two questions.
People with narcissism may also:
- they do not take responsibility
- blame others for failures
- priority of personal desires over the needs of others
- fear of criticism or conflict
However, such behavior is usually accompanied by devaluation of others and lack of empathy.
Many experts believe that narcissistic defenses are an extreme method of compensating for low self-esteem and self-interest.
People who attempt to explore narcissistic traits in therapy may find feelings of inadequacy and emptiness.
Cheetham, people with Peter Pan syndrome may experience the same feelings in different ways. He goes on to explain that with small personal accomplishments to show to others, they may face disrespect and dismissal.
Ultimately, these experiences can develop into feelings of low value and failure, which some people will try to cope with by "doubling down" on things like thrill seeking and challenge avoidance.
More common (but not exclusively) in men.
Peter Pan syndrome is largely associated with men (and has been since the beginning). However, it's worth noting that most of Kylie's research was done in the 1970s and 80s, when gender roles were more fixed than they are today.
More, Information C from the University of Granada and 2010 study Looking at 29 young Navajo women, both suggest that mostly, but not always, men are affected by Peter Pan syndrome.
To date, there is not enough research that would study how this behavior manifests itself depending on gender. The studies that exist are quite small.
There is also Wendy's syndrome.
While Kylie focused his research on men, he identified the female counterpart, known as Wendy's Syndrome, in relation to Peter Pan's companion.
As in history, women in this role often incorporate Peter Pan into their lives, often without realizing it. I can do this by making decisions for them, organizing work, and providing one-sided emotional support.
Why is this happening?
There is no single reason for the behavior associated with Peter Pan syndrome. This is likely the result of the following complex factors.
Childhood experiences
“Certain parenting styles can cause people who have not mastered adult-level life skills to shrewdly avoid responsibility and commitment, focus too much on thrill-seeking and hedonism, romanticizing freedom and escapism,” Cheetham says.
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People with Peter Pan syndrome often have overprotective or very indulgent parents. These are two quite different parenting styles, but here is a breakdown:
Indulgent parenting
Overly permissive parents often don't place many (if any) limits on your behavior. As a result, you grow up believing that doing whatever you want is okay.
When you did something wrong, your parents took care of any consequences and kept you from feeling guilty, so you never knew that certain actions had consequences.
If they took care of your financial needs in early adulthood and never expected you to work for what you wanted, you may not understand why you need to work now.
Protective parenting
Protective parents, on the other hand, can create the impression that the adult world is scary and full of difficulties.
They can encourage you to enjoy your childhood even if you don't teach skills such as budgeting, house cleaning, or simple repair and relationship skills.
Parents who want to prolong their youth may also avoid discussing these adult concepts with you. This can lead you to direct your life with your concepts.
Economic factors
Cheetham also points out that economic hardship and stagnation can contribute to Peter Pan syndrome, especially among the younger generation. In other words, "adultery" can be a little more difficult than before.
"I think a career requires more drive, self-motivation and social skills than before," he says.
Couldn't Start, a 2013 Georgetown University report suggests that technological and structural changes in the US economy are making the transition between adolescence and early adulthood more uncomfortable.
Lower wages and fewer opportunities for advancement can also put an end to your already low motivation to pursue a less enthusiastic career.
College fees outpacing inflation have created additional financial stress and anxiety, which some try to cope with by avoiding financial responsibility altogether.
Is it really that bad?
Staying playful can help reduce stress and improve long-term emotional health, so having a curious childhood personality can certainly be beneficial.
For example, a person with Peter Pan syndrome may live more spontaneously and encourage you to enjoy the little things in life. They may have a lovely, sweet personality. You must be having a lot of fun.
Peter Pan Syndrome goes beyond everyday playfulness and includes avoidance of responsibility. When this way of thinking begins to spread to other aspects of life, problems can arise.
When your partner is Peter Pan
Does this all sound too much like your partner?
While it is possible to encourage and support positive change in a partner, it is usually not possible to change someone who is not ready or willing to do the work.
"Trying to change your partner's commitment or ambition will only discourage both of you," Cheatham explains. He warns against radically lowering or changing your expectations regarding the continuation of the relationship.
Instead, he recommends communicating your ambitions, expectations, and life goals.
If you've made it clear to your partner what you want from a relationship and life together, and they show no signs of sharing the same goals, it's time to decide whether to accept the relationship as it is or look for a partner. whose goals and behaviors match what you want.
Stopping rewarding activities, such as cleaning up after your partner or paying bills, can help him recognize the need to change.
"All relationships involve compromise and negotiation, but hopefully you find a middle ground between changing someone and empowering them," Cheetham concludes.
When you're Peter Pan
Growing up brings a lot of difficult things to worry about: relationship and parenting problems, student loan payments, unemployment, and more.
In short, it is not easy to be a productive tax-paying member of society. It's perfectly normal to want to go back to your teenage years, when biology exams and looking after your little sister were your main tasks.
If you know that you tend to avoid the necessary parts of adult life, such as finding a permanent job or doing household chores and errands, it's important to understand why.
Although you can certainly make changes yourself, if you don't recognize the factors that influence these patterns, you can go back to them.
Therapy is the key to successful research. Therapists can provide a supportive environment by helping you explore patterns in your life and notice how they affect your relationships and chances of success.
During therapy, you may also explore other issues that make you rely on your partner for emotional and financial support, including money worries, anxiety, or fear of being alone.
Start with our accessible therapy guide.
Essence
Peter Pan syndrome is more of a set of behaviors than an official diagnosis. Although usually associated with men, it can apply to anyone.
If you feel that your partner is exhibiting this behavior, all you can do is clarify your needs and goals.
