Cheating while dating
Is It Cheating If You're Not Official?
Your Ethical Dilemma
It begins with a question from a reader that you may be able to relate to.
I’ve been dating this girl for about a month, and things are going great. We have not had any problems, and we both see a long future for us. We met through a dating site and talked a few weeks before our first date.
The problem I am dealing with is that I had a one-night stand after a long night at the bar a couple of days after our first date. I feel bad about it every time I think about it, and I feel even worse every time the girl I’m dating brings up the fact of how she can trust me and how she loves how honest I am with her.
So my question to you is when would be the appropriate time for me to tell her about this, and if there is no right time, then what should I do so this doesn’t eat me up alive every time I think about it?
(I feel this is one of those things where telling her would be an easy way for me to feel better but would end up doing more harm than good in the end. ) —Jason
Jason,
Your radar is right on the money.
You’re considered honest and trustworthy by your girlfriend.
You care about her and see a potential future with her.
You feel bad that you were with someone in the time that you knew her.
You want to get this guilt off your chest and aren’t quite sure how she’d take it.
Yep. Your heart’s in the right place.
Take The Quiz
Take The Quiz
Is your past infidelity relevant to your current relationship?
The only difference between you and me is that I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.
This is very similar to a post I wrote a few years back, where a guy’s girlfriend dumped him, he had a one-night stand, and then they got back together.
I didn’t think he did anything wrong either. But that doesn’t mean that his girlfriend would agree.
And that’s why this situation is more grey than black and white.
Reasons why you shouldn’t worry
Still, I’ve got three compelling reasons why you should give yourself a break and just focus on being the best boyfriend you can be, okay?
1. You can only cheat if you have a commitment.You can only cheat if you have a commitment.
And a couple of days after your first date, how did you know that your current girlfriend might be “the one?” That’s right; you couldn’t.
First dates are about having fun, connecting, and seeing if there’s enough potential for a second date. It would be downright foolhardy to commit to someone after a first date (even though we’ve all done it).
So really, Jason, if you didn’t have a girlfriend when you had your one-night stand, you didn’t actually cheat. You were just a slut. That’s different.
2. There is little upside to telling your girlfriend the truth.The downside, however, is tremendous.
I speak from experience.
I remember, once upon a time, I had a jealous girlfriend who’d been cheated on by previous boyfriends.
And our conversation went something like this:
Her: “If you ever cheated on me, I’d expect you to tell me about it.”
Me: “What would happen if I told you about it? Would you have the capacity to forgive me for a one-time indiscretion?
Her: “No, I’d dump you and never forgive you.”
Me: “Then what incentive would I have to tell you the truth if it meant you’d dump me?”
Her, after a pause: “Well, that’s what a real man would do!”
And scene.
This ridiculous conversation took place probably 5 times in our six-month relationship, where she told me that I’d better tell her the truth if I cheated and I parroted back the only answer I could, “If I ever cheated, you can be sure I wouldn’t tell you about it.”
A rule of thumb: If you know that your girlfriend can’t handle the truth, don’t tell her the truthI share this aside from your original question because I think it’s interesting and relevant.
If you tell a man that you will never accept his truth:
-He’s sometimes attracted to other women
-He’s occasionally going to have lunch with an ex-girlfriend
-He may keep photos from his past in an album stored in his closet
-He worries at times he feels trapped in the relationship…
Guess what? You are all but begging that man to LIE to you.
If you accept his unsightly truths, you can have a man who is comfortable being himself around you…and a man who is himself around you is a man who will marry you.
A man who is forced to tell lies by a girlfriend who doesn’t accept him will eventually leave to find a less oppressive environment.
A man who is forced to tell lies by a girlfriend who doesn’t accept him will eventually leave to find a less oppressive environment.
And so, my friend, Jason, if you don’t know that your girlfriend can handle the truth, don’t tell her the truth. In the same way, you don’t tell her how many people you’ve slept with in your life; some things are on a need to know basis, and if you’re a devoted boyfriend now and have no intentions of ever leaving her, that’s all she needs to know.
3. The other reason that I know that you’re not a bad guy is this.
I had the same thing happen to me in 2007.
I first dated a cool woman in LA, followed by a weekend hookup in San Francisco with someone I’d met. But after I came home, I focused my energies on the really cool woman in LA.
Three weeks later, we were exclusive.
A year and a half later, we were engaged.
15 years later, we’re still married.
I don’t know at what point my wife found out about the San Francisco woman, but, at that point, it was water under the bridge. We were already in love, and what I did in the first week of knowing her was pretty irrelevant to the relationship we’d already built.
The fact that my wife kept her Match.com account alive for the first two months of our relationship didn’t impact my trust in her either.
You sound like a sweet guy. Go make this girl happy and give yourself a break.
And if she’s cool, she should be able to handle the truth…eventually.
Page Not Found - Evan Marc Katz
LYN B.
"Once I started taking Evan’s advice seriously, it took me six months to find the “one.” You can too!"
In 2014, I was 67 years old and planning to retire to a new community in the isolated region of the Adirondacks. Although I was used to living in small towns, I was always near bigger cities. My new home would have a population of 1,200 with the closest city of 19,000 an hour away. “Oh, no!” I thought. “I bet there’s probably one eligible man per ten square miles up there in the North Country!” Still, living in this town was a part of my commitment to be near my grandchildren and a part of their lives in my retirement. Could I fit a man into this life? Could I even find him?
I began dating online to find out. I was still working and living four hours away when I went onto my first dating website and posted my profile in the region I was moving to. Once a month I visited for several days and spent about six weeks that summer in my new digs.
I had corresponded with a few men and saw them on visits north. Over the summer, I spent some extended time with one man and thought something might come of it. By fall, however, I realized this wasn’t going to work and broke it off with him. I didn’t do a very good job of it and found I wasn’t good at “breaking up!” “I wish I knew how to break up nicely," I pondered. So, I did what everyone does when they have a question — I googled it! Up popped Evan’s website and the rest is history.
FULL LOVE STORY
SAHAJA P.
"Blake are now engaged! Thanks for all your help and support in finding myself, and because of that, him."
I signed up for Love U in a moment of sheer desperation — being tired of being single, being tired of knowing I was doing something wrong and no one to tell me what it is. You always did tell it like it is. I have to say thank you for believing in me, and giving me confidence I didn’t know I had. Thank you for seeing that there was something to be seen in me, that I didn’t even know existed.
How bad did the doormat thing get? So bad. I was living under his roof, and made every meal. Never repeated a menu item in the 6 weeks we lived together, which was after a year of being together. A year where he was still free to meet other women. 6 weeks of living together where sometimes he didn’t come home. “Gone to Vienna, be back later” And sometimes I could sleep in his bed and sometimes I couldn’t. That wasn’t even the end of it, but those were things I did and totally thought were ok at the time. That is lower than low.
FULL LOVE STORY
APRIL G.
"I'm in an amazing marriage with a really wonderful man. Easily the best and most healthy relationship of my life. And I'm happy. Really happy."
I joined Love U for two reasons. One, I had ended up on Evan's email list and several of his emails literally seemed like they were talking directly to me. I always thought I was good at dating, because I could get dates. But if dating were baseball, I'm the girl that always got base hits and got tagged out before she got an actual run.
The second reason I joined is because I've had huge success with fitness coaching, life coaching, why wouldn't I do relationship coaching? Bad relationship choices have cost me a lot more personally and sometimes financially than I'll ever spend on coaching
I didn't really even know what I didn't know when it came to dating. I knew that doing the same things I was doing would get me the same results, and I certainly wasn't happy with those. I wanted to know what I was doing that wasn't effective and what things I could change to be more successful. I didn't want just ANY relationship. I wanted a really good one.
FULL LOVE STORY
Bonnie K.
"It's amazing to have a true partner in life. I feel like I hit the jackpot!"
I got engaged last week!
I gotta admit it's been a loooong road to this. Honestly, there were times where I really thought I may never find someone. Then felt stupid for thinking that and told myself my life is great in so many other ways.
I hated it that quote that went something like - "you'll realize why all the others didn't work out when you meet the one." Well now I know, like REALLY know. My goodness, thank god you're in this business to help women find this person. Thank god you never give up.
FULL LOVE STORY
DIANA B.
"Right now, I’m on my honeymoon in the Maldives with the man of my dreams, thanks to your work."
Hi Evan. I am writing to give you yet another success story from your coaching. I started reading your blog back in 2010, and followed your advice religiously. It took a while (like 2 years!) but I finally started applying your advice to my dating life. I knew it was working when I was dating a guy who other women were chasing, yet he was pressing me for commitment. I didn't think he was the one so I cut bait, but it was so EMPOWERING to be the one who made that choice vs the other way around.
FULL LOVE STORY
CHRISTINE D.
"This week, I got a proposal and a beautiful ring - we'll get married later next year.
"
“A few years ago, when I was first introduced to Evan, I was feeling increasingly frustrated with my dating life. After divorcing an emotionally unavailable man after 23 years of marriage I had two difficult, long term relationships with men who were not stepping up and I had gotten used to being treated badly.
I’d had some difficult family situations to deal with as a single mother of three twenty somethings and Evan provided me with my first ‘Aha’ moment which was when he told me ‘You’ve been a great mother to your children, and a good daughter to your elderly mother but who’s been there for you Christine?’ This actually made me cry – I had been the ‘go to’ person for my children and the men I was dating were narcissists who had me hooked but were not good men.
FULL LOVE STORY
CARLA S.
"I followed your advice to a T, started online dating diligently, and met my husband after only meeting 4 guys online."
I'm a happily married woman that found my husband applying all your advice and tips.
Five years ago, I was so frustrated with love and dating, I started reading your blog in hopes of learning something about men. Boy, did I learn something! I went ahead and bought your book "Why He Disappeared" and read every single one of your emails. I also read your blog diligently looking for answers and insight.
FULL LOVE STORY
NAYSHA S.
"I started following your advice like adhering to a recipe for the perfect crème brûlée...And I'm happy to report that 6 months ago I married my best friend!"
After reading your blog, listening to your audios, reading your books & watching your videos, it finally dawned on me! I realized that in order to find the "right" person, I had to be the "right" person and what that meant was that I had to change all my long-held beliefs about what love was supposed to look & feel like. All the chemistry and common interests were getting me nowhere near my goal of finding "the one".
To my knowledge, I had roughly 1400 matches on eHarmony.
Can you imagine? It felt like a part time job! Sometimes after repeated disappointments I would log on just to clear the inbox because I was just tired of the same results.
FULL LOVE STORY
READ MORE LOVE STORIES
Icon-emkevans-marc-katz-icon-fb Twitter Icon-emkevans-marc-katz-icon-pinterest Youtube Instagram
© Evan Marc Katz – Dating Coach for Smart Successful Women. All Rights Reserved.
Who designed this website?
experts gave advice on how to “read” men and women
“I myself am glad to be deceived”
, even says smart and interesting words, but something haunts you. Either his gaze is directed not at you, but somewhere to the side, then the person does not stop touching his clothes. And this nuance, seemingly insignificant, confuses you and, as a result, can become the reason for refusing further communication.
This is a small example of how the human psyche automatically reacts to the peculiarities of the interaction. How we, without suspecting it, evaluate the interlocutor, his role in the dialogue and try to protect ourselves from potentially unwanted contact.
Photo © Shutterstock
Profilers study such markers, which can be taken into account consciously and say more about a person than himself. They evaluate and predict human behavior from the point of view of psychology on the basis of some signs: characteristics of appearance, verbal and non-verbal behavior. Simply put, they "read" a person by his appearance, behavior and words.
A huge surge of interest in this profession provoked the American series Lie to Me on HBO, released in 2009. It became widely known to Russian viewers under the names "Lie to me" or "Theory of Lies". The protagonist of the picture is able to split even a well-trained liar literally in seconds by the slightest movements of his facial expressions and subtle signs.
After the release of the series, the Internet was flooded with thousands of publications about how to recognize a liar, and in general about the fact that almost anyone can "read" a person. These articles were especially in demand among women who were actively looking for a soul mate and expected to understand even during the first date whether it was worth building a relationship with this man. Professional profilers unequivocally answer that such self-taught people do themselves more harm than good.
- There is not a single significant sign of a lie, as Allan Pease wrote there, that a person scratched his nose or mouth, and this definitely says something. There is no such thing. These are all signs of stress. Even the most rapid blinking is associated with rejection. Maybe a person saw or heard something that is unpleasant for him. The only thing that is useful is - to determine emotions by microexpressions. And learning to read gestures is very difficult.
Without special questions, the use of certain methods of conducting survey interviews, this all works poorly, — profiler Ilya Onishchenko explained to Life.
Another expert practitioner in the field of recognizing lies, emotions and facial expressions, polygraph profiler Ilya Stepanov emphasized that after reading bad advice, a person creates a certain picture in his head and soon begins to believe in it himself.
- For example, what is sometimes written in books from the category "about women": they touch their hair, thereby showing sexual desire. It is not true. Takes his eyes to the sides - means lying. It is not true. I know that people read and buy it, but it has nothing to do with science or practice. The worst thing you can do when meeting a person is when you pay attention to such details, - start thinking. At this point, a person begins to live in pictures in his head. I came up with some kind of catch for myself - excitement appeared, he begins to look at the interlocutor through this prism, soon claims, suspicions appear, and everything ends in conflict or panic, - the specialist explained.
Photo © Shutterstock
The profiler noted that the main detrimental effect of advice from the Internet is that the person himself begins to worry too much.
- A person accidentally moved, accidentally scratched or touched his neck, hair, cufflinks, and I remembered that I had read something about this somewhere, and in my head I dispersed that a maniac or a criminal was sitting in front of me. Such a release of adrenaline and cortisol (stress hormone. - Approx. Life ) into the blood begins, which first of all makes me worse. The main danger - is to destroy your own health with empty anxieties, - explained Ilya Stepanov.
According to the expert, the only thing that is really available to any person in order to "read" the interlocutor correctly is questions correctly asked to him.
- This is the problem with all these fads, that they only work in combination. That is, first you need to look at what incentives the interlocutor has, what questions you ask, what intrigues you launch in order to see how the person reacts.
And already in conjunction: stimuli, reactions, context, the environment in which you are, you can disassemble the points. For example, he averted his eyes. After the question or during the answer? He pursed his lips. After the question or during the answer? There was a smile. More to the right or flat? But it's quite difficult, so most people say to themselves "no, no, it should be simpler", - summed up Stepanov.
Language - your friend and foe
Asking the right questions to the interlocutor is often more difficult than it seems. Especially during the first date. But the use of thoughtful constructions in speech can definitely protect against unwanted acquaintances, experts assure.
Photo © Shutterstock
— I am often approached by women who want to understand a man right on the first date: what are his plans, is he ready for a serious relationship. I recommend using link questions.
For example, a woman directly asks: "Are you married?" The man, of course, is prepared for this question, he answered many times and this time he says: "No." Here you need to cunningly, cunningly clarify so that the man is not prepared: "So you are free for a relationship?" If he confidently lies on the first question, then he will think about the second question, - explained Ilya Onishchenko.
Profiler Ulyana Nikonenko also recommends asking the interlocutor what he expects from the meeting and what was the reason for parting with the previous partner.
- Second question - purpose of the meeting. The third question worth discussing is - the reason for breaking up with a previous partner. What didn't work out? In general, I think, even if these are some kind of love dates, meetings, one should not be afraid to ask absolutely direct questions in order to get an accurate answer to them. Because at this stage, in principle, everything will be clear.
It is important that ladies do not build any illusions in relation to a man. They will ask a series of obvious questions and they will be able to understand everything for themselves, — the expert noted.
Ilya Stepanov added that language determines how a person thinks. Conversely, thinking is very well expressed in language. This is not about parasitic words, but about what the speech is focused on, what constructions the interlocutor builds, where he puts emotional accents, what excites him, and what does not arouse the slightest interest. The profiler emphasized that it is very difficult to stay in artificial speech for a long time.
- The first thing to pay attention to is the so-called congruence - consistency of words and gestures that do not contradict each other. It's about how the person looks. Because some can try, especially scammers, they can "package" themselves well, but at the same time, the manner of their speech may go against the way they look.
Therefore, the best thing to do at the beginning of any acquaintance is to have questions in your speech. Because the more we talk to the interlocutor, the better we understand where it was invented, and where the real comes out,0005 - said Stepanov.
Maniacs, alcoholics and kept women
Expert profilers still recommend paying attention to some details - they, together with the questions asked, will help to reveal deceit or worse things. For example, how the interlocutor observes personal, physical boundaries when meeting.
Photo © Shutterstock
— How quickly a person tends to violate my boundaries: to touch as soon as possible, to make physical contact. It's an interesting thing, it's about animal dominance. That is, certain social and cultural norms recede into the background, and the whole animal comes to the fore. That is, in fact, the law "everything is yours" is broadcast between the lines - mine.
"The question is, how will this unfold further? Especially if you remember the prevalence of such a problem as domestic, domestic violence. This can be identified, - Ilya Stepanov told Life.
He also recommended paying attention to the level of stress of the interlocutor
– These strokes are soothing. But if we continue to ask questions, neutral ones, to keep the conversation going, to get the person to talk, and the level of stress remains, then the question should arise: why does relaxation not come in. Usually this happens because there is some kind of intent, or it mental characteristics of this person.And this is also a bell, - the specialist emphasized.
Profiler Ilya Onishchenko advised me to pay attention to how the interlocutor contacts other people. For example, with waiters, if the first date takes place in a restaurant. Because keeping the same mask of lies for several people is much more difficult than for one.
Expert Ulyana Nikonenko recommended paying attention to a person's health as a characteristic feature that can play a negative role in potential love relationships.
We are talking about bad habits: alcoholism, drug addiction, and for some, smoking.
— Drug addiction can be identified during the first date. You have to look at the person's eyes. If the look is empty and the pupils are dilated, then the person may be under the influence of some substance or drug. But it happens that people with a mental disorder have an empty look. Any deviation from normal behavior can be easily seen, - the profiler noted.
A person's hands can tell about the possible presence of alcohol dependence.
- Starting from the second or third stage of alcoholism, the hands, as a rule, will already be red-purple in color. The exception is people with cardiovascular dystonia. Including you need to pay attention to the face. Certain signs may indicate alcoholism: excessive swelling of the face or the presence of scars that could appear as a result of addiction, - said Ulyana Nikonenko.
But much more often than alcoholics, drug addicts or even maniacs, ordinary citizens come across those who want to make money on them.
To identify a fraudster or gigolo, it is enough to pay attention to the questions that he asks.
Photo © Shutterstock
— If you have a man in front of you who wants to seduce a woman so that she pays for him or takes on a loan, this can be understood by several signs. It is necessary to pay attention to such moments on the first date: who will pay the bill, how he will react to information about her finances, whether he will ask questions regarding her financial literacy, material success. That is, questions that are not very appropriate on first dates,0005 - Ulyana Nikonenko advised.
The expert noted that in recent years, the problem with those who want to cash in on the second half is equally typical for both women and men. It is especially common in large cities.
- There is such a term - kept woman. Such women can be easily identified by a promiscuous lifestyle. For example, today she woke up at 12 noon, went somewhere with the girls - drank tea, it is not clear what she did all day and at the same time stands out for the presence of some expensive accessories, signs of a luxurious life that she cannot provide for herself, - the profiler said.
When there is nothing to lose: how Maria Maksakova declared war on the most dangerous person in Russia
However, as Alexander Pushkin wrote, a man in love is always ready to deliberately deceive himself for at least a small share of attention from the object of sighs.
10 dangerous signals on the first date, after which you should not continue communication
June 10 Relationships
Doubtful compliments, talk about a joint future and more.
Share
0 You can listen to a short version of the article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.
For many, first dates cause conflicting feelings: inspiration, nervousness, or even fear. We often get frustrated with dating because we want a real relationship, but end up spending a lot of time with people who aren't the right fit for us. It is difficult to persuade yourself to continue the difficult search for a couple when you do not get the desired results.
However, there are several surefire ways to understand at the first meeting that a person is not right for you. Just pay attention to the following behavior.
1. Disrespect for personal boundaries
Pay close attention to how the person reacts when they don't get what they want. Or when you say you like something that he doesn't like. The attitude towards personal boundaries is very revealing and makes it clear whether a potential partner shows respect for you or does it in his own way, without worrying about your feelings.
Here are a few examples of disrespect that can be seen already on the first date:
- You say you don't want to eat or drink, but your companion still orders you something.
- You say that it's time for you to go home because you have to get up early tomorrow, but you are persuaded to stay anyway.
- You say you don't feel comfortable kissing or hugging and the person gets angry and makes you feel guilty about setting boundaries.
2. Rudeness and unflattering comments about others
It doesn't matter how kind a person is to you. If he is rude to others, this is a bad sign. If your boyfriend or girlfriend complains about the service at a restaurant, says he doesn't want to leave a tip, and is rude to the waiter, chances are he or she treats everyone in his or her life this way. And you are unlikely to be an exception.
Pay attention to how the interlocutor or interlocutor speaks about people. Perhaps he talks nasty things about his friends behind his back. Or claims that everyone around is idiots. If a person cannot find a common language with anyone, most likely the problem is in the person himself, and not in others.
3. Unpleasant words about an ex-partner
Talking about past relationships is generally not the best idea for a first date. But if you still touched on this topic and hear how the former partner is called “crazy” or spoken of in a pejorative way, this shows that the author of such statements is hardly capable of being held responsible for his actions.
4. Inappropriate response to questions
If you ask logical questions but get no answers or face judgment, be careful. You can learn a lot by asking what a person expects from a date. This is a direct question that is easy to answer honestly. The most unfortunate and disturbing answers will be:
- Why are you asking me this? I dont know.
- Let's see what happens.
- You're in too much of a hurry.
Such a reaction shows that the person is judging you for the simplest questions, which means that you are not on the right track.
5. Increased attention to the phone
If a person is constantly distracted by non-urgent calls or checking messages, then your feelings are completely indifferent to him. There is a chance that he will never be able to fully focus on you and your date.
6. Talking exclusively about yourself
Observe the course of communication: is the interlocutor or interlocutor talking to you or monologue? In the second case, the person will talk exclusively about himself, without asking you any questions and without giving you the opportunity to insert a single word.
It's like he or she doesn't care if you're on the date or not. And with such an attitude, it is very difficult to form an emotional connection.
Real conversation is like ping pong: one participant asks, the other answers, and then asks his own question. That is the kind of communication you should strive for.
7. Swiftness in the development of events
When an interlocutor or interlocutor begins to talk in detail about the future - what will you do together, where will you go and what trips will you go on, at first it may seem cute. But it is worth considering that this person does not know you at all yet. And thinking about a future together can be so exciting or cause a false sense of security that you miss other dangerous signals.
8. Questionable compliments
Sometimes other people say things that make you wonder: did you just get a compliment or were you insulted? Many do this on purpose to make the other doubt themselves and crave the approval of others.
Here are some examples of such "compliments":
- You look good for your age.
- You're cute, but you'd be better off without a beard.
- I usually don't like fat women, but you are attractive.
9. Talking about sex
Of course, someday this topic will need to be discussed, but if it comes up on the first date, this is not the best sign. And it's not about delicacy. The problem is different: a person starts a conversation about sex, although he does not yet know how comfortable you are to discuss it. If someone cares about you and he or she really wants to get to know you, he or she will not talk about intimacy at the first meeting.
10. Safety neglect
Imagine that you are invited to walk at night in a sparsely populated place. You refuse because you are worried about your safety. And the person in response begins to get annoyed and calls your fears exaggerated. In such a situation, it is worth considering whether you need such a partner.
