Can two codependents be together

Warning Signs Your Relationship Is Codependent

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Codependency might mean slightly different things to different people, but essentially it's when one person is sacrificing more for their relationship than the other.

In romantic relationships, it's when one partner requires excessive attention and psychological support, and often this is partnered with them having an illness or an addiction which makes them even more dependent.

A codependent couple will not be good for each other. Usually, they will get together because one or both of them has a dysfunctional personality, and more often than not they will make each other worse.

For example, people involved with narcissists will find themselves giving and giving, but it's never enough. Their partner will keep moving the goal posts and making unrealistic demands until the victim is completely burned out.

It's important to remember that in a healthy relationship, it's normal to depend on your partner for comfort and support. But there's a balance between each partner's ability to be independent and their ability to enjoy mutual help, and if that balance is off, that's when things get messy.

We asked 8 relationship experts for the warning signs you could be in a codependent relationship. Here's what they said:

1. You start filling in the gaps

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"The first sign of codependency creeping into a relationship will involve one person starting to take on the responsibility to keep in touch and connect. As a partner pulls back in how much time, effort, and care they are giving, the other partner instinctively fills in the gap by working harder to stay bonded. As soon as this happens, the relationship has shifted in an unhealthy direction towards codependency. "

— Shannon Thomas, therapist and author of "Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse"

2. You want to 'fix' your partner

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"It all starts out like a fairy tale, but then your new partner starts to show some signs of unhealthy behaviors. Do you find yourself making all the sacrifices to support your partner? Do you feel like you lost yourself and you need the approval of your partner to be whole? Healthy relationships are created when both partners have mutual respect, trust, and are always honest with one another. Codependent personalities tend to be people-pleasers, thriving on helping others (or even thinking they may 'fix' them). When caring for another person stops you from having your own needs met or if your self-worth is dependent on being needed, you may be heading down the codependent path."

— Tracy Malone, founder of Narcissist Abuse Support

3. You lose all your boundaries

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"One way of looking at a codependent person... is she is an over-giver. She always feels overly responsible for someone or cares too much for someone. She really feels like she needs to keep giving and giving, and overcompensating. These women can be really strong, but the problem is they don't grasp the need for boundaries. Boundaries are actually really useful with people you care about, but in a codependent person's heart, 'boundaries' is a very dirty word. They think 'the moment I care about you, I drop all my boundaries. I let you disrespect me, because I believe you have a story, so I over-explain away every single thing for you.' In other words, you give more credence to their story than to yours. You have to have firm boundaries, because when you don't have them, or you're not aware of them, you fall into the codependent trap."

— Perpetua Neo, psychologist, expert in toxic relationships, and creator of Detox Your Heart

4. You don't feel like you have your own independent life

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"In any relationship. .. it's important to both bond with your partner but also maintain your own life. You don't want to become so dependent on someone else that you lose who you are, or that essence that makes you unique. How do you maintain both sides of yourself? Schedule date nights but also nights with friends or nights alone to unwind. In the early stages of a relationship, there's something to be said for not spending every night together and giving yourselves a chance to miss each other a bit. And, when you're doing things on your own, you become a more interesting, well-rounded person, thereby a better partner to anyone."

— Erika Ettin, dating coach and founder of dating site A Little Nudge

6. You need to ask for approval

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"If you feel you often need to get approval or permission to do basic everyday living, or if you feel you can't make a simple decision without that person, that could be an early sign of a codependent relationship. If you enter a relationship with loads of confidence but over time, you begin to doubt yourself, your self-worth and you're less decisive, you could be in an abusive narcissistic codependent relationship. If you've been controlled by your partner or they demand being the primary decision-maker in the relationship, then when you break up, you could still believe and feel you need them.

"It may be difficult to mentally separate yourself from that way of thinking or even the regimen of the relationship but when you can heal and better self-care, you can began to focus more on your needs and being a better version of yourself."

— Catenya McHenry, journalist and author of "Married to a Narcissist"

7. Your partner has unhealthy habits

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"One early sign of a codependent relationship (using the first definition of an 'enabler') is when one person repeatedly engages in an unhealthy behavior, such as consistently drinking until they pass out or binge eating until they feel sick, and the other person either joins them in it, even though he or she does not actually like to drink or binge eat, or encourages it for their own reasons.

"Example: Leah knew her boyfriend Phil was pre-diabetic and needed to stop eating sweets. But she also liked the good feelings that she got when he told her how much he liked the treats that she whipped up. Phil was conflicted about stopping and needed a partner who would help him stay focused on staying healthy. He realised that Lara was not the right person to choose to marry because she needed him to keep doing an unhealthy behaviour so that she could feel good."

— Elinor Greenberg, psychologist and author of "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety"

8. You're always looking for reassurance

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"How do you know if your relationship is codependent? Ask yourself these questions:

• Are you or your partner always worried that the other will break off the relationship?

• Do either of you need constant assurance that you are loved?

• Do you or your partner come up with little tests to get attention from the other?

• Do you or your partner act flirtatiously with people outside of the relationship to make the other jealous, or threaten to leave just so you can be begged to stay?

• Do either of you make excuses for the other's bad or disrespectful behavior, or avoid direct conversations about the state of the relationship?

• Do you or your partner define yourselves by the relationship? Do you have difficulty being alone?

• Is there a lot of tension or intensity in your relationship, and do either of you secretly enjoy the 'drama' of frequent break-ups and reunions?

"If you answered 'Yes' to even a few of these questions, you are probably in a codependent relationship. "

— Holly Daniels, a doctor who specialises anxiety, codependency, and relationship addiction at Sober College

Can Two Codependents Have a Healthy Relationship?

In every relationship, there are various phases the two partners pass through. Once you get to the honeymoon phase, everything just feels right and seems so perfect that you begin to lose yourself In the other person while disregarding your identity.

Your boundaries begin to blur, and you happily give your all with the mindset that you are receiving just as much. Most times you feel mature especially when you declare your changing taste, but this mindset gives you a codependent mentality. Keep reading if you’re wondering, “Can two codependents have a healthy relationship?”

What Happens to Codependents in a Relationship?

At one point, a codependent in this relationship starts to give in too much, thus creating an imbalance. The codependents always feel needy, weak, and also put their partner on a high pedestal. This kind of relationship becomes so toxic, because codependents can take any kind of abuse and still look the other way as if nothing happened.

This is not healthy, and it is even worse for two codependents are in a relationship. Let’s discuss why there’s a need for change. No doubt you love your partner and want to do anything for them, but one common problem with codependents is that they try to manipulate or control the other person as a way to deal with their distress.

Rather than asking directly, they start using manipulative tactics as a way to avoid feeling their apprehension. This most times causes the codependent to be depressed since feelings like anger, pain, anxiety is suppressed. Rather than suppressing these emotions, it’s best to feel and identify the anxiety and express your concerns rather than stuff them in. This is the starting point of making the relationship healthier.

More About Codependency

Codependents like controlling every situation around them in a passive aggressive way, largely due to insecurities, and because of this mindset it makes them manipulative and easy to agitate. They typically have low self-esteem, and they always feel they are not worthy enough so they try to control the situation as much as they possibly can to avoid feeling emotional pain. But unknown to them this is what makes them most vulnerable because their easily displayed emotions make it easy to read them like an open book and manipulate by others. It is hard for them to hide their feelings, because they care too much about things that are not in their control – like how their partner feels about them.

For any relationship to work, trust and boundaries need to be established. There’ no doubt you want to give your partner what they want, but giving them everything should not make you lose yourself. The solution is to establish boundaries in the relationship and start thinking for yourself and taking care of yourself.

Reach out to friends who you cut out from your life because of your relationship. Join support groups such as various Twelve Step Groups (like Codependents Anonymous, aka CoDA, or Al-Anon), decide whether to see a therapist vs psychiatrist, engage in hobbies, read self-help books about codependency by authors like Melody Beattie, and just do anything that would make you feel like yourself again.

Can two codependents have a healthy relationship? Yes, they definitely can. But only when successfully recognize their issues and taking positive steps to deal with them. Self-control is also key to having this healthy relationship. When you cultivate self-control and learn to let go and ask for help when you need certain needs met, both partners will learn to love themselves more and succeed in achieving a healthy relationship.

Co-Dependency Relationships: What They Are, Signs and Causes, How to Get Out of Them

Co-dependency in a relationship can be incredibly destructive, in part because you may not even be aware that it is present in your life. Clinical psychologist and co-founder of the YouTalk online service Anna Krymskaya explains what co-dependent relationships are, what are their causes, how to recognize and overcome them

What is co-dependent relationships

There is no single definition of "co-dependence" in the psychological community. On the one hand, this term describes the violation of personal boundaries between partners, when two people in a relationship are emotionally or financially dependent on each other, and the main need of one is to “bind” the other, to become part of it. On the other hand, in psychology, "codependency" is also called a dysfunctional relationship with a partner suffering from some kind of pathological addiction - alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, and so on.

This article will focus on the first phenomenon, that is, codependence in a couple, which is accompanied by excessive absorption in another person, painful experiences - and is reflected in all areas of life.

Immediately spoiler - if you are co-dependent, this does not mean that only parting can solve this problem. Every situation is different. Having received help and feedback from a specialist, it is possible to maintain relationships and direct them into a functionally healthy direction.

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Drama Triangle

More than 40 years ago, the American psychiatrist Stephen Karpman introduced the “triangle of fate”, or “dramatic triangle”, a psychological and social model of interaction between people, consisting of three facets-roles: “persecutor” (English persecutor) , "rescuer" (English rescuer) and "victim" (English victim). The Karpman Triangle reflects the structure of co-dependent relationships.

The “pursuer” sets his own rules, controls, imposes his point of view, does not allow mistakes and is constantly looking for the guilty. When he cannot clearly show his anger, he blackmails and manipulates. The “victim” ignores his own needs, dissolves into the “persecutor” with whom, as it seems to her, she is connected with true love, and the thought of losing her introduces the “victim” into a panic. The "rescuer" feels his value through the imposition of help and a sense of superiority over the "victim". In co-dependent relationships, each of the participants at some point tries on one of the three roles, but cannot get out of the vicious circle, because he is afraid and denies the destructiveness of the situation.

How to distinguish codependent relationships from healthy ones

We all depend on each other to some extent. Mutual support, emotional connection, dialogue, mood attunement, shared interests are all important factors in a healthy relationship. Codependent relationships are a toxic bond without which people cannot function. They lose their autonomy. Any difficulties in relationships with a partner are reflected in other areas of life, including interactions with loved ones, friends and colleagues. At the deep stages of codependence, a person can move away, avoid communication with the outside world, because talking about their relationship is scary, embarrassing and uncomfortable, any advice or hint of an unhealthy relationship is perceived with aggression and distrust.

If communication with a child was built through submission and disregard for his desires and he sought to please in order to earn the encouragement and “love” of his parents, as an adult, he will be more inclined to enter into codependence

the most important thing in life, the existentially important. An independent person may have a career in second place, a hobby in third, and travel in fourth. A codependent, on the other hand, will not be able to easily pass a value test by setting priorities from 1 to 10: all other areas of life pale against the backdrop of the significance of relationships with a partner, without them life is empty and meaningless.

Causes of co-dependent relationships between a man and a woman

The tendency to co-dependent behavior is often formed in childhood. The reasons are related to the peculiarities of relationships in the parental family and how a close adult reacted to the needs of the child: was he sensitive to successes and peculiarities, was he emotionally available, did he give freedom of action, or, conversely, overprotected when the child could already do something do it himself and his life did not directly depend on the parent. It is noteworthy that any of the extremes can contribute to the formation of codependency in the future.

For a child, on a biological level, the absence of the love of a mother or other close relative who fulfills her role means death. Love in the family means that the child will be safe, he will not be abandoned, he will survive and his emotional needs will be met. Research shows that emotional abuse and neglect in childhood puts us at risk of developing codependent behavior in the future.

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If communication with a child was built through submission and neglect of his desires and he sought to please in order to earn the encouragement and "love" of his parents, as an adult, he will be more inclined to enter into codependency in marriage, in a relationship with a romantic partner. This behavior is also called the "home instinct" - that is, the reproduction of the situation of childhood in their current relationship. This happens on an unconscious level.

For example, if a girl grew up without a father or he was an emotionally unavailable figure as an adult, she may look for a man who will show similar emotional stinginess: not revealing the details of his life to the end, being as if in a distance, avoiding frank conversations. At the same time, the girl may be aware of the similarities with the relationship of her parents, but she will be firmly convinced that now, in her personal life, she will be able to change everything and correct mistakes. For example, if her parents divorced, then she definitely will not allow this and her children will not be left without a father. However, the "home instinct" often leads not only to the repetition of patterns of behavior, but also leads to the same result.

Co-dependent people believe that if they behave correctly, find the right words, do something differently, they will magically earn the love of a partner

How to understand that you are in a co-dependent relationship

Co-dependence manifests itself in different ways. It is always necessary to evaluate the intensity and coincidence of several signs of a co-dependent relationship, among which: Show control behavior, impose your will. You expect your partner to behave in a certain and understandable way for you.

Rapid rapprochement

You met and can't part, move in quickly, get married quickly. Often in this case, the idealization of the partner is inflated to the maximum. Our consciousness turns expectations and fantasies about the qualities of a partner into reality.

Search for salvation

In another person you see salvation from your loneliness and inner emptiness. Career, hobbies, interests, life guidelines and principles - nothing but your partner can fill the void inside, only with him or her you feel "at home".

No choice

You cannot recognize and respect your partner's right to make your own choices. The fact that his or her desires and decisions may differ from yours is frightening and not discussed.

Impaired sensitivity to self and others

You are aware of only fragmentary knowledge about yourself and your partner, reproducing repetitions of your emotions and behavior from year to year. It's like living the same scenario. The dominant feelings and behavioral reactions in this scenario will be guilt, anger, fear, distrust, overprotection, overcontrol.

Difficulty in taking responsibility

Responsibility for your well-being, development, satisfaction of needs lies with the partner. You are guided by the phrase "I would, ... but ..." and as if living a draft of your life.

The idea that your partner owes you

Co-dependent relationships are hard to negotiate. Attitudes regarding the behavior and responsibilities of a partner (for example, that a woman should be a muse, and a man should be a breadwinner) do not change from the beginning of a relationship and do not allow discussion.

Low self-esteem

There is no inner conviction that you are worthy and valuable in yourself. You have constant doubts, and by your behavior you are trying to earn love, praise and prove that you have a right to it.

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Money problems

Being financially dependent on a partner makes us feel small and in need of care. This desire can again be associated with the “instinct at home”, because children do not have to and cannot provide for themselves. Fanatical accumulation may indicate the opposite - the fear of losing independence and asking for help. In a healthy relationship, flexibility is implied, where financial roles can be changed without juggling the roles of "rescuer", "victim" and "persecutor".

Revenge and competition

If your partner made a mistake and did something unpleasant, instead of giving constructive feedback and discussing the issue, you harbor resentment. At the right moment, you repeat the behavior of your partner in order to hurt him or her and say with grim satisfaction "why you can behave like this, but I can't."

Magical thinking

Codependent people believe that if they behave correctly, find the right words, do something different, they will magically earn the love of a partner. As in childhood: if I get an A or clean the house, my parents will praise and love me more.

In addition, codependent people often have behavioral addictions such as workaholism, compulsive overeating, hoarding, or an obsessive need for perfect cleanliness and organization of space. The life of a codependent is similar to chaos, these habits help to ground and calm down in eternal anxiety, to create a feeling of control over one's life.

Consequences of co-dependent relationships

In co-dependent relationships, a person seems to lose himself, personal boundaries are erased, hobbies disappear and attention to his needs disappears. At the same time, all resources are spent on maintaining toxic relationships, and not on trying to restore the psychological state.

Very often codependence characterizes cyclicity. A person experiences an emotional swing - happiness and a temporary idyll are replaced by aggression, manipulation, neglect. Moreover, such changes occur suddenly, so one of the partners is constantly in suspense, waiting at any moment for a change in the weather. It shatters the psyche and self-esteem.

Breaking up a relationship is not always the only way out. If desired, partners can change their relationship if they make this decision together and make an effort

The companion of co-dependent relationships is violence. It can be physical - blows, spanks, pushes, even hugs against the will; sexual - uncomfortable touching or sexual contact against the will and consent; emotional - insults and verbal injections, various manipulations of feelings. In families with a codependency problem, passive violence can also be observed in relation to children, when parents are emotionally unavailable: there is no swearing, but there are no warm words or physical contact. Also, the responsibilities of an adult may not be transferred to the child in a timely manner - for example, the elder is expected to constantly care for the younger ones.

Violence is terrible both in itself and in its consequences. Children often develop attachment trauma that will prevent them from building trusting relationships in the future. If a person managed to get out of a co-dependent relationship, but failed to undergo personal therapy or it was insufficient, the risk of a vicious circle and a repetition of the experience with another partner is high.

How to get out of a codependent relationship

People who are prone to codependence are afraid of parting. This is a painful process, often a couple exhausted by toxic relationships does not have enough resources and energy for it. But breaking up is not always the only way out. If desired, partners can change their relationship if they make this decision together and put effort into it.

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Each situation is different, so it is not possible to give a short universal scheme. But here are some strategies and exercises to get you started:

Self-diagnosis. Ask yourself these questions: Why am I not happy with the relationship? What are my needs being ignored? What is the value of this relationship for me? Do our views coincide with the partner regarding the development of our relations? Do I have unrealistic ideas about the future of our relationship? Am I ready to be with my partner if he/she doesn't stop meeting my expectations? What exactly do I want to change? What efforts am I willing to make for this?

Work through childhood trauma and relationships with parents. Find out what processes you transfer to communication with a partner. It is best to do this with the support of a psychologist.

Shift the focus from your partner's desire to your desires. Ask yourself what exactly you want.

Make a list of things you have in common and that are different with your partner. Try to learn to respect and accept your differences.

Keep a diary of feelings. Keep track of what emotions cause you certain situations in communication with a partner.

Focus on yourself, your interests and relationships with friends and loved ones. Find a new hobby, travel, or study.

Work with the fear of being alone. Again, it is better to do this with a psychologist.

Make a list of grievances against your partner, analyze them and try to identify what you are grateful for, what lessons you learned from them.

Talk to your partner about couples or family therapy.

If you want to start the path out of co-dependency on your own, turn to self-help literature - for example, read the books of the book "Free from Addiction" by Berry and Janey Weinhold, "Codependency Through the Eyes of a Systemic Therapist" by Natalia Manukhina, "Hold Me Tight. 7 Dialogues for the Love of a Lifetime Susan Johnson, Borrowed Life by Irina Mlodik.

Get ready that the process of getting out of a co-dependent relationship is not quick and not easy. Don't neglect help. In addition to psychotherapy, you can seek support in special free groups. CoDa (“Codependents Anonymous”) is an international community that organizes meetings, including online in Russian. Nar-Anon and Al-Anon help those whose co-dependent relationships involve the drug and alcohol addiction of one of the partners.

Co-dependent relationships: what are they, signs and how to get out of them

How to distinguish just an unhappy union from co-dependent relationships? And can codependent relationships be happy? We deal with a psychologist.

The author of the article is Svetlana Makhova, family psychotherapist, specialist in the service for the selection of psychologists Alter

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What is a co-dependent relationship

A co-dependent relationship is a destructive form of relationship in which a person is fully involved and completely absorbed in the life of another person, most often dependent on: alcohol, drugs, food, games, work, gambling and computer games, dangerous species sports, shopping and the like.

Participants in co-dependent relationships believe that the actions and behavior of other people completely affect their life and condition, so they are completely absorbed in controlling their own and others' actions, and thus regulate their own condition.

The term "codependency" means "joint dependency". It first appeared in medicine and psychology in the late 1970s, when scientists began to investigate the causes of relapse in people with chemical addiction. Alcoholics and drug addicts, returning after therapy and rehabilitation to their families, again began to drink or use drugs. The study of the relationship between the addict and close relatives helped to reveal the phenomenon of codependence as a stable system of attitudes, stimuli and reactions that support the use of drugs and alcohol.

Signs of a co-dependent relationship

A partner can be a husband/wife, parent/child, boss/subordinate/employee - anyone with whom you are in some relationship.

you think that your partner is to blame for the fact that something is not going well in your life, because ...
if your partner is in a bad mood or something is not going well with him, or you think that something is wrong with him - you do not find a place for yourself, you cannot do anything, therefore ...
you must do something to make him feel good or everything will work out for him;
you do not openly discuss the problems that have arisen with your partner - you discuss his behavior with other people, trying to understand its causes in order to find a way to fix the problem, because . ..
you are afraid to upset, offend, anger your partner;
a partner can directly or indirectly blame you for something going wrong with him, and you easily agree with this;
you think that help, support, attention, love must be earned by good behavior, and...
if you do not receive due attention and help from your partner, then you think that you are not good enough and you need to become better.

A person with co-dependent behavior can be recognized by conversations: his involvement in the lives of other people is manifested in an endless discussion of others - spouse, colleagues, friends, neighbors. Communication with such people is reminiscent of a joke about lumberjacks: “What are lumberjacks talking about? In the forest - about women, with women - about the forest. At home, they discuss their boss or employees with relatives, at work - relatives, complaining about their behavior. In contact with such a person, the interlocutor has a feeling of some confusion: it is not clear what he wants, what he feels like in this situation or next to you. You want to save such a person right away: give him advice, offer help.

A still from Gossip Girl

How co-dependent relationships develop

Certain upbringing conditions influence the formation of a tendency to co-dependent relationships, where parents or close relatives had an addiction, a mental disorder, demonstrated violence or used it as an educational measure in relation to the child. In such families, no one was interested in the feelings, experiences, needs and desires of the child, no one was interested in his opinion. The child rarely heard praise addressed to him. Everything that he did well was perceived as the norm, and for everything that did not work out, he was scolded, punished, criticized.

Silence and detachment as a way of punishment made the child suffer in uncertainty: he could not understand what his fault was and how to return the favor of his parents. As a result, the child learned that he was responsible for the condition and well-being of loved ones, and in order to please them, he must have the ability to guess how to do it.

There is no direct dialogue in such families. There, no one talks about himself, his experiences, desires, does not express requests. All communication is built on duty, avoidance of problems.

This is how a person learned from childhood that:

he is the cause of everything that happens to loved ones;
he is to blame for everything, he himself must understand the reason and find a way to fix everything;
you can’t ask anyone - this is a sign of weakness, you have to guess;
everything that happens to him can negatively affect others, be ridiculed and devalued, so it is not safe to talk about yourself;
you can’t want anything for yourself - this is a manifestation of selfishness;
first of all it is important to take care of others;
others know better what is good for him, so the opinion of others is a priority.

A person's strong conviction that he must above all take care of others excludes even the thought of taking responsibility for his own life into his own hands and doing something for himself. Self-care is manifested in the expectation that others will take care of him if he "deserves" it. And instead of solving his own problems, he is violently involved in others, with a timid expectation that he will be noticed, appreciated, paid attention to him and offered help. It turns out, like Bulgakov in The Master and Margarita: “Never ask for anything! Never and nothing, and especially for those who are stronger than you. They themselves will offer and give everything themselves!

Shot from the film "500 Days of Summer"

In such relationships, the boundaries between the participants are erased. A person does not distinguish where he is and where the other is. One perceives any refusal not as the will of the other ("Sorry, what you offer does not suit me"), but as the fact that he did not try hard enough or not good enough - "did not deserve it." And if he tries, changes, becomes better, the other will definitely notice / love / appreciate / give him what he wants. Therefore, it is difficult for him to leave the relationship. He does not have the feeling that he is bad in a relationship, because the other does not meet halfway: there is fear, shame and guilt that he is doing something wrong. To be loved, you have to earn love. And he will stubbornly deserve it, regardless of the desires and will of others.

Our brains are lazy. People are more likely to build close relationships with their own kind, with those who will match their behavioral model. Co-dependent people don't see themselves very well in relationships where they don't have to take care of anyone: "Why would someone else need me if they can manage without me?"

As practice shows, almost all participants in co-dependent relationships have some kind of addiction (sometimes more than one). So, for example, in a family, the father drinks, the wife disappears at work, and the son chooses a way to get away from problems in computer games. The husband drinks, the wife has a food addiction. The girl talks about her relationship with a guy with whom they cannot leave - in the process it turns out that he once used drugs, and she was treated for anorexia.

Codependency and Karpman's Triangle

Interaction between people in codependent relationships is clearly illustrated by a psychological model called Karpman's triangle (also called the "triangle of fate"). This scheme was first described by American psychologist, MD Stephen Karpman in 1968. According to Karpman, there are three typical roles that participants in co-dependent relationships take in relation to each other: victim, persecutor, rescuer.

Shot from the series "Sharp Objects"

Playing one of these roles, each participant fulfills their unspoken, often unconscious needs and desires in the way that is most familiar to them - this is the hidden purpose and motive for being in such a relationship. However, in the long run, none of the "players" this situation will bring relief.

A gamer son will always be dissatisfied with his mother, who does not allow him to live in peace. A workaholic mother will always reproach her alcoholic husband and gamer son, who "sit on her neck" and "did nothing useful in life." An alcoholic father will complain about his wife who constantly saws him and his son. In this example, all members of the family, to one degree or another, move from one role to another: rescuer - persecutor - victim. By helping her son and husband, the wife actually does them a disservice by not letting them face the consequences of their behavior, and by criticizing them creates tension, which each of them relieves in a chosen way - through alcohol or games.

A person who plays the role of a persecutor or a rescuer does not realize that by doing so he only maintains the addiction.

Another example. A girl enters into a relationship with a married man who complains to her that his wife has ruined his whole life, and therefore he is very unhappy. She sees in him a suitable object for the realization of the role of a rescuer: "I will be better than his wife, I will definitely make him happy." The man is the victim, his wife is the persecutor, and the girl considers herself the rescuer. The man, however, is in no hurry to leave his wife, and the girl eventually tries on the role of the victim, reproaching him for spending years on him, saving his ruined life. Their relationship can last long enough, the man will not divorce, but he will not break off relations with the girl either. He will be tormented by a sense of duty to his wife and a sense of guilt towards the girl. The wife will try to get her husband back, the girl will try to keep the man; they will all stay in the relationship without trying to change anything.

Why do all the participants in the triangle, remaining dissatisfied with the situation, nevertheless do not come out of it? Initially, they all have self-doubt, low self-esteem, fear of loneliness, and need the approval of others. Through supposedly caring for a more “vulnerable”, “independent” person, they try to compensate for their own shortcomings.

Psychologist and co-author of transactional analysis Claude Steiner put it this way: “The victim is not really as helpless as he feels; The Rescuer doesn't really help, and the Persecutor doesn't really have a valid claim."

Consequences of co-dependent relationships

In a family with co-dependent relationships, one cannot want anything “for oneself” — this is perceived as selfishness, as something condemned. Therefore, no one talks about what is important to him, everyone waits for the other to guess. A person prefers to rely on social norms and attitudes, on the opinions of others (“they said on TV”, “the boss thinks”, “the girlfriend knows for sure”), that is, he comes from a certain idea of “how it should be”.

The idea of asking another what he wants is rare. Usually for two reasons. First, a person "must guess for himself. " Secondly, even if you ask, they are unlikely to tell you, because “you can’t want anything for yourself.” Usually they say with shyness: “What you choose, the main thing for me is your concern.” All participants in the relationship play the guessing game and care for others based on the idea of \u200b\u200bhow "it should be." Therefore, if a daughter wants a blue dress, they buy her a pink one: there is no need to disgrace the family - what will people think if they see a girl in blue? And a boy in a pink T-shirt or shirt with flowers is unacceptable. Parents sincerely worry about the reputation - both their own and the child's. But behind this fear of condemnation it is difficult to hear yourself, your desires, the request of a loved one.

Such "care" goes hand in hand with total control, condemnation of the actions of loved ones, if these actions seem unacceptable. And since a person does not have his own system of values (in such a system everyone says what not to do, but no one says what to do), and he relies on the opinions of others, the rules of what not to do change often. Therefore, all participants in the relationship are in constant tension and anxiety, waiting for where and for what the reproach will fly.

Still from the film "Dirt"

What does the child hear? Most of the time, that he does everything wrong. As a rule, parents do not say how good it would be, how to fix the situation - because they themselves are not sure, and often do not know how. As a result, a person grows up who does not have support for any stable values. Such a person comes to a psychologist with the request “What should I do? What will be the correct decision? All his questions will be focused on how to do it right and how to do it. Such a person cannot defend his point of view - there is practically none; cannot make a choice, distinguish what is good for him and what is bad. If you ask him how he feels now, he will be confused, because it is important for him to give the "correct answer". Such people often experience communication anxiety for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Everything new and unknown in the family is perceived with hostility, as "dangerous". The initiative is not welcome. And when a child grows up, on the one hand, they demand independence from him, on the other hand, they continue to condemn all his attempts to do something, as well as any of his inaction. This leads to apathy and depression: I do it - it's bad, I don't do it - it's also bad.

A teenager who grew up in such a family often cannot choose where to go to study after school and who to be. Most likely, he will go where his parents say or where his classmates went, or he will delay admission without choosing a direction. Quite often teenagers go to computer games. This dependence, like no other, clearly reflects the lack of a stable value system. The game has a virtual opportunity to do something and achieve something. Passing levels, players acquire tools, skills, associates, become masters of their virtual life - here it depends on them and their actions have an obvious result. The rules and laws of the game give a sense of stability and, as a result, confidence. However, real life sags: children are lagging behind in their studies, they have no friends, there is no interest in anything other than games.

People who do not have a solid value base are permanently in a state of helplessness and despair due to their inability to change anything. There are many ways to get away from experiencing your worthlessness, guilt, shame, anxiety: alcohol, drugs, food, work, romance, and so on. Anything that allows you to quickly relieve stress. This is how addiction is formed.

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However, no addiction can make a person happy and his life full. Sooner or later, he begins to face the consequences of addictive behavior: it drags on, social ties collapse, problems grow like a snowball. A person with healthy boundaries, a stable value system, is unlikely to enter into a close relationship with a person who has a tendency to codependency. If you find yourself in such a relationship, it’s worth starting to deal not with your partner, but with yourself - most likely, during psychotherapy it will turn out that there were similar relationships in your parental family.

How to get out of a co-dependent relationship

If you feel that the current relationship is destructive for you, you are not confident in yourself, you don’t know how to live on, you lose meaning - seek help from a psychologist. Getting out of a codependent relationship can be difficult. Getting used to the role of a rescuer, a person feels guilty about leaving the "helpless" partner to the mercy of fate. Or the exit from the relationship is perceived as a defeat: "I failed." Or he is overwhelmed by the fear that he himself will not survive alone, although at the same time he supports himself and his family. Sometimes the partner begins to threaten suicide or violence, and then the person is in an unsafe situation and remains in the relationship out of fear.

As practice shows, it is possible to get out of co-dependent relationships by an effort of will, but this does not guarantee that in the future a person will not fall into them again. It is very difficult to single-handedly see those patterns and motives of behavior that lead to co-dependent relationships, recognize your contribution to what is happening, restore self-regulation skills and master new ways of building relationships. To get out of a co-dependent relationship, you first need to turn to yourself - learn to answer the questions "where am I, what do I feel and feel, what do I want, what are my capabilities and limits."

To develop the ability to understand your current state, you need to include in your value system the habit of answering questions:

what is happening to me
what is important to me
what suits me and what doesn't suit me
when it's time to say: "You can't do that with me."

Work with a psychologist can be carried out in one of three directions, and preferably in all at once.

Personal therapy

The main task in overcoming codependent behavior is to work with destructive attitudes, distorted self-perception, and fears. A person learns to openly express emotions, take care of himself, thereby reducing the level of anxiety and tension.

Working with a family with a family psychologist

The goal is to recognize the contribution of each family member to the current situation, restore a direct dialogue, form a trusting relationship by expressing feelings and experiences, desires and needs, as opposed to pre-existing destructive relationships based on criticism, obligation , devaluation of desires and feelings of each other.

Group work

There are anonymous groups for co-dependents. In a group space, a person in a safe environment masters ways of productive interaction, with the help of the leader and group members, he restores a sense of his own importance. Working in a group returns a sense of security, support, and self-confidence increases. An image of a socially adapted, successful person with personal potential is being formed.

It is important to remember that there is a way out of co-dependent relationships - both for individuals and for the whole family. It consists in getting to know oneself, becoming aware of experiences, learning to present them to others, and building a system of values. Bring more certainty into relationships with yourself and others.

What happens to victims of codependency is not their fault. Their character is the result of education, and their actions are determined by the ways of adapting to adverse conditions that they had to use in childhood. We do not choose which family to be born into. And at the beginning of the journey, we are dependent on our parents - this is a fact. But the good news is that as we grow up, we have the choice to try things differently, to change our lives.

There are enough examples that relationships between partners, children and parents, friends are improving - if the participants are interested in this.

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