Betrayed by a best friend
Here’s How To Deal With Being Betrayed by a Best Friend, Expert Says — Eat This Not That
Being betrayed by a best friend is incredibly hurtful and can be a challenging situation to navigate. It usually happens very unexpectedly, as a best friend should always have your back, right? Since loyalty isn't always the case, we spoke with Leanna Stockard, LMFT at LifeStance Health, and are here today with some helpful tips on how to deal. Regardless of age, even the best of friendships can be stressed or even ended when trust is compromised. Read on to learn more about what Stockard has to say about how to handle being betrayed by a best friend.
ShutterstockIf you are betrayed by a best friend, the first step is to take solid time to consider what happened, why it happened, and how you feel about it. Stockard recommends spending time journaling and meditating, saying these activities can be extremely therapeutic when addressing your feelings. She adds, "These skills, especially journaling, can allow you to put those thoughts into a constructive space, where you can look back and reflect on them at another time.
"
Related: Signs A Loved One May Be Struggling With Their Mental Health
ShutterstockAnother helpful step is to speak with a confidant for support, comfort, and to help you sort out your thoughts. An unrelated person to the situation may offer some stellar suggestions on how to get through the situation.
ShutterstockIf you're struggling with moving forward, therapy is always an option to consider. Broken trust in a friendship is a biggie to deal with, and every individual has their best way of handling things. A therapy session is a great way to speak openly and confidentially without being judged. A therapist will share coping skills and help you deal with the situation effectively.
ShutterstockAfter reflecting and mulling over some good conversation and ideas, take time to decide how you'd like to proceed with your friend. Carrying out your decision can be extremely grueling, but Stockard has some valuable suggestions. "If this is the first time they betrayed you, it may be helpful to communicate with your best friend that you felt betrayed by them," she says, adding, "It may have also been a misunderstanding, where a conversation will also help to potentially lead to clearing things up with one another and working toward forgiveness.
"
A good friend should be receptive to hearing your perspective, and it could be a simple fix. If this wasn't the first time the friend deceived you, having a discussion may still be a prime time to let them know your feelings and that trust is essential to build back into your friendship. Stockard warns, "While they are building back that trust, I recommend being restrictive of what you share with them, and what you do when they are around."
Related: Your Best Friend Bond With Mom Can Add Years To Her Life, Science Says
ShutterstockAlthough unfaithfulness does not always mean the friendship will end, there may be signs indicating it's time to move on. As you take time to process, consider the loss you've endured. "This may include identifying and missing the good times you had with them, the moments when you thought you would be best friends forever, and the laughs you shared," Stockard says.
The decision to repair a friendship or end it is different for everyone.
It's totally normal to undergo feelings of denial or grief. It's also normal to wonder whether you're making the right decision to end the friendship. Stockard stresses, "Communicate, communicate, communicate!! This suggestion goes for whether you do, or do not want to remain friends with the person who betrayed your trust."
If you do decide to cut the ties, think about meeting up with them, and relay that the trust is now broken and you've decided to end the friendship. You can use this time to answer questions they have, but Stockard warns, "I want to emphasize that if you have made that decision, make sure you stick to it, unless you are willing to give your friend another chance."
ShutterstockIf the thought of chatting with your best friend about the betrayal doesn't feel like the right step, you can simply allow your bond to fade out. You can do this by not accepting plans when they invite you and don't respond to their messages. This would include not contacting them via text or social media.
Stockard explains, "It may feel bizarre, but if you are truly wanting this friendship to end without confrontation, your lack of engagement may be the way to communicate to them that you are no longer interested in the friendship."
Whatever you do, you should never feel responsible for the betrayal, even if your friend points to you as the cause. Their actions placed you in a vulnerable place with them, and it was not your fault.
ShutterstockWhile you're taking it all in and acknowledging how toxic this person is to your life, remember their actions and what brought you to this decision in the first place. Stockard continues, "Work on acceptance of this loss, and recognize that if they were able to betray you the way that they did, they may not have been as great of a friend as you believed they were. With this acceptance, it is also imperative that you forgive yourself for trusting this person, you did not know at the time what they were capable of, and it is not your fault.
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It's not easy to trust others after experiencing disloyalty in a friendship. It's crucial to focus on the traits and behaviors your friend had, and decide on which ones you seek in another friendship. Try to grasp an understanding of what trust means to you in a friend, realize you have good, loyal friendships, and remember that not all friends will behave badly.
Stockard leaves us with a bit of important advice. "Take your time healing from your loss, even if it is a loss that you initiated. It can take time to heal and rebuild your trust, so spend that time working on yourself, and you'll be surprised how much you can learn," she says.
Alexa Mellardo
Alexa is the Mind + Body Deputy Editor of Eat This, Not That!, overseeing the M+B channel and delivering compelling fitness, wellness, and self-care topics to readers. Read more about Alexa
How it feels to be betrayed by your best friend
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Betrayal in any form can be a hard thing to overcome – but when it comes from one of your closest friends, it can truly hurt the most.
Betrayal, in whatever form it comes, can be devastating.
Whether it’s from a colleague or a romantic partner, that feeling of shock and disappointment can leave you feeling utterly drained and depleted from the trust that has been broken – and this can be even worse when that betrayal comes from a friend.
We lean on our friends for support in the good times and bad, and often share our deepest darkest secrets with them. But when that trust is broken, it’s a betrayal that can truly hurt the most – after all, we can’t choose our family and we can’t choose our colleagues, but our friends are the ones we choose to bind ourselves to and that can also leave us feeling guilty and insecure when that friendship falls to pieces.
“I recently had a big falling out with my friend of 15 years and the strangest feeling I felt was guilt,” says *Deborah.
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Deborah and *Alexandra met at secondary school and immediately hit it off.
As a duo, they’ve been there through pivotal moments in each other’s lives from birthday milestones and graduations to funerals.
“When my dad died three years ago, I was so devastated,” recalls Deborah. “Spending time with family and thinking about my dad was hard but being by myself was even harder. Having Alexandra around meant I was with someone who brought comfort but also a distraction too.
“She was great and I had a newfound appreciation for our friendship as it meant we could laugh, share experiences but also be there for each other in our darkest moments.”
This time of tragedy bound Deborah and Alexandra together – but as Deborah got into her first relationship a few months later, this soon began to change.
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“I think Alexandra was so used to having me to herself, that when I did get into a relationship with my partner *Brent, she struggled with not having access to me all the time,” says Deborah.
As Deborah and Brent’s relationship grew closer over the years, Alexandra’s behaviour towards Deborah changed drastically.
“She would speak negatively of him to the rest of our friends, be rude to him in person and just act really weirdly around him.”
Despite these awkward interactions, Deborah was determined to make the friendship work due to the love and loyalty she felt towards Alexandra – until she was made aware of something that completely floored her.
“I’d been on such a high from the engagement, but seeing that text from my closest friend truly hurt me”
“Brent and I got engaged earlier this year and everyone was so excited for us and to see me happy. But a few days after our engagement, he showed me a series of messages she sent to him that basically said that he shouldn’t be marrying me, that I’m a complete mess and detailed deeper things about me that I shared with only her when we were younger – some of which had a lot to do with my family, mental health and just personal things that no one else needed to know.
”
The moment she saw this text, Deborah said she was “truly heartbroken”.
“I’d been on such a high from the engagement, but seeing that text from my closest friend truly hurt me,” she says.
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“It’s just so layered. While I know she wasn’t keen on Brent, she was telling him that he shouldn’t marry me because I’m a mess and shared all these things – some he knew and some he didn’t. It was a complete violation of our trust.”
“When it all happened. I called her in a fit of anger and told her I saw the text,” says Deborah. “She didn’t really have anything to say and said that everything she said was the truth. It’s just scary to think you can have someone like that who’s close to you and feels those things but doesn’t say anything.
“Safe to say, I cut ties with her completely and we don’t speak anymore.”
Deborah says the betrayal she experienced continues to affect her as she struggles to open up with the things she is experiencing now.
“I have my friends and family, but Alexandra was truly the person I’d tell everything to. Now I’m not sure I feel comfortable fully opening up in that way knowing someone can throw that information back in my face and weaponise it for their own gain.”
“I’ve experienced betrayal in life but nothing as prominent as what I experienced in school,” says Linnea, a PR executive from Virginia, USA.
“My first experience of a friendship breakup was probably when I was in middle school. I learned that one of my closest friends was talking about me behind my back. I had a feeling for about a month or two, maybe more, that they were being suspicious and not acting like they normally would around me.”
Linnea says that in her group of friends, she was the only one who couldn’t speak Spanish and often found herself being ostracised from conversations and unable to participate.
“They knew that I only spoke English and did not know Spanish at the time and it just felt weird that they were always speaking in a different language around me and by their body language, I could tell that they were saying things that they didn’t necessarily want me to know.
”
“I think it took a while for me to end the friendship because I didn’t really have many friends, and I guess I was a bit afraid of just not having any”
This built up an insecurity within Linnea as her standing within the friendship group seemed uncertain.
“When I learned that they were talking about me behind my back from another friend it didn’t really surprise me, but it did hurt me because I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt.”
When Linnea found out about this, she still remained friends with this group for a few years before drifting apart.
“I think it took a while for me to end the friendship because I didn’t really have many friends, and I guess I was a bit afraid of just not having any.”
While this betrayal took place while Linnea was in school, it’s something that affects her to this day.
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“I think that this moment made me not trust people.
It made it difficult for me to want to open up to other people. It made it difficult for me to want to be friends with anyone going forward.
“I was able to recover, but there are still lingering insecurities that I have to this day because of the things that I went through.”
While Linnea says she is more guarded than she used to be, she now has a healthier circle around her that has allowed her to open up more.
“I’ve had many experiences with friendships and connections going south that I suppose, in a way, I’m more numb to it. But it also helps that I do have more genuine friends now and a healthy circle of people that are less toxic, and I think sometimes it just takes time to come to terms with things.
“Even though I never really found closure, I was still able to move on at some point, and that’s important.”
Image: Getty
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betrayed by best friend.. friend whom I thought was the best... was ready to do anything for him
Requests for helpWrite your story
Hello.
This lousy state began with the fact that my best friend betrayed .. whose friend I considered the best ... was ready for anything for him .. helped everyone ..
betrayed hard ... it hurt ..
all turned away at one moment...
I was left all alone ... I practically never had friends .. and then I lost the best .. it's over - he needed me because of money and so on. - just like everyone else - a "consumer", a corrupt person ... now, in general, many are ready to betray and sell you for their own benefit ...
I don't want to live... betrayal was a birthday present... I celebrated my 19th birthday in desires and thoughts about how to die, how to stop all this.
.
but I, perhaps a strong person - I don’t know .. I always considered myself a loser, etc. - but I never told anyone about my problems ... to friends - yes, they simply didn’t exist ... to my parents - my mother (I live alone with her) - I thought and I think she won’t understand me .... although we kind of love each other - our relationship is not always warm ...
He always hid all his problems, never showed dissatisfaction, did not say that it was bad .. hard ...
In work, I was not afraid of difficulties… but in life……………..
the only thing is that only one has always helped me - God.
after graduating from school, in 2008, having undergone another stress, I strongly believed in God, our Lord ...
I tried to go to Church every week.. periodically missed. I used to not go for months.. now I go again...
I want to tell the guys who want to commit suicide - God really exists - in difficult difficult times - he always helped me -
even after turning to him - a prayer - it became easier - after all, there was some kind of hope .
... for a Miracle ...
Although I don't believe in miracles. - so I wrote in one essay at school - the teacher said - perhaps if you don’t believe in Miracles, then you should do them yourself for others ...
thinking…
I don’t know why myself - I always helped people .. maybe I suffer from this ... because I give everything of myself for others ..... I help even with the smallest things, I can’t remain indifferent when something happens when someone any problems
It is very painful to watch how seriously ill people live, especially children.... how they suffer from severe forms of illnesses.. but they want to survive... I am amazed at the courage, the strength of children... I try to help with donations to the best of my ability -
money is not a problem - and in general - happiness is not about money: I can afford everything in principle - if desired - both a car and an apartment .. I have a modern computer, a phone of the latest model ...
but all this happiness does not bring and will never bring.
.. Those who dream of a new body, computer, car are naive... but someone, perhaps, needs exactly them for happiness... and not that, true Happiness...
I don’t understand… why it’s like that – why everything is given to one… – there are friends – and the best… and a loved one and many friends, and others – nothing, all this intangible has to be “received”, “mined”….
...
don't understand
I never found meaning in life, maybe I was looking badly. I don't need anything!!! I have a computer, a phone, I can drive a car - I don’t need this! there is no happiness in this!
I don’t have a family - somehow communication with girls doesn’t work out ... I like smart girls - and not those who just have fun .... I don’t know. It doesn't work for me with them ....
children... no children either.. still young... perhaps if there was a beloved son or daughter - of course - would live for her / him - to give him all the best - so that he would be happy ...
no one to live for .
.. did not find a goal ... did not find a meaning in life ...
perhaps the meaning of our existence here, on earth, is to prepare the soul for an extraterrestrial existence - here, too, I don’t care now, and perhaps I don’t know much ... and I don’t want to know anything now
there are no longer any interests, aspirations ...
I don't care now, it doesn't matter...
I dropped out of college - but there was a desire to study - and I studied - I even managed to do math with 4, instead of a school 3-ki ....
now I am neither studying nor working ....
I don't want anything.. a lousy state... I don't want to see anyone... to hear anyone... I want to go somewhere underground, or far, far away... I'm so tired... all these experiences...
I have been in this state for half a year already ....
don't know. It would be better not to know these "friends" of yours ....
very lousy condition....
after visiting the temple, turning to God - somehow it all goes away, as if being born again - there is even a desire to live - but then again - there is no point, a problem .
... and not why, if I have no friends, if there is so much betrayal, lies , cheating...
I think again, and everything starts again ....
somewhere (perhaps here) I read that God sends tests only to the strongest, and does not send such tests that we could not pass ....
don't know...
I don't consider myself a strong person...
there are no colors - the whole world is gray ... even the beach on the seashore seems quite dull ... nothing interests ...
it now..
in general, I have been in this state since 2008 - in depression - when I began to think about life, about people, etc.
I don’t know why I began to think - why all this - I would like it to be like everyone else - I talked, walked, etc. ... but no ... for 3 years now I’ve only been thinking about life ...
there are no problems with work - I know computers well - I even wanted to open an online store with a friend - to sell software, etc. somehow I was not afraid of difficulties in work .
..
but he sent it all to hell ... told this comrade come on later somehow ....
I also abandoned my studies - I flew out of insta a long time ago ....
I don’t drink, I don’t smoke ... and you can’t drink - with all the desire - health does not allow - in the pills that I take, alcohol is contraindicated - and because. I'm afraid of pain - I don't accept it - I'm afraid of the consequences ....
and I don't like to drink. What's so good about it....
I find consolation only in music... I listen either to classical music or new age... well, so to speak, I think, I relax, etc. (I think a lot under the calm sounds of music)
and I listen to rap (lyrics) .. - there is a lot of talk about life ... and about parting with loved ones, and about lies and betrayal, etc. ...
so I’m holding on for now ... I’m not drinking too much .. although there are many acquaintances - acquaintances, not friends - who drink too much ... although I don’t see any reasons for them - well, it’s just that they think it’s cool .
...
now I'll sleep, and tomorrow I'll wake up again and think... about everything... about life... about people... and it's been like this for half a year already, - starting from my birthday - I spent my birthday sad, very sad, in thought...
I'm even afraid of the future .... suddenly it will be worse than now ......
I don’t know .... thoughts of dying appear almost every day .. .... only thoughts - there are no suicidal desires .... Something always stops ... some forces ... somehow it happens ... I realize, I'm just afraid that it will hurt ...
they even released me from the army - I was examined in the PND - the doctors there are very good. choir - kind ... lay for about a month in a hospital - because it's like in paradise - a different situation, everything is calm, good ....
...
apparently, his head is still not in order ... my normal friends do not think about this. They don't have such problems... they meet, communicate. walk .. study and work - everything is fine .
..
DimON , age: 19 / 23.12.2010
Responses:
DimON, yes, all normal people think about the meaning. I really liked your presentation, although I understand that you need good advice), but still. Especially when you write about God. I actually think that you are a very good guy, seriously.
Sometimes friends leave us completely ruthlessly, I don’t know what to say, maybe it’s necessary this way, otherwise these fake connections, in fact, would drag after us all our lives, not letting them literally grow out of panties. Well, yes, it’s scary when it’s problematic with friends, but it’s freedom when you really appreciate yourself and your place here, without trying to cling to a person, no matter how nasty he brings you. In general, of course, God gives freedom of choice, but real freedom is He Himself and your dialogue with Him.
This applies to everything, even the fact that you are afraid of the future and the fact that suddenly "it will be even worse." If you count on God in your life, then you have this choice: to be afraid or not to be afraid, but at the moment when you are in communion with Him, even this choice is no longer needed, you are simply NOT afraid. If you have already found this, then "dance" from this, and not from the fact that you HAVE to study, SHOULD work, SHOULD get married, etc.
About rap, by the way, I completely agree with you;). But you also think about what to DO you still need something. Perhaps you have already understood everything that is needed, being in this state, and you need to move on. And what you haven’t understood yet, you’ll figure it out on the go), while studying or working, doing SOMETHING. You give food to the soul, mind and heart, there are many thoughts, BUT during the day some events should occur in the world of things). Well done for not drinking. In general, it seemed to me that you were some kind of God-marked guy).
And I think you should be fine. What I wish you with all my heart!
Alena, age: 29 / 23.12.2010
Sometimes it seems that everything is fine with everyone except you. But it's not. Many are afraid to talk about their failures and problems.
No need to look for answers and engage in self-digging. Try to live with feelings. Enjoy every moment, find yourself a hobby.
Let go of all your grudges. Betrayed by a friend...it hurts and you don't understand -for what?-. Don't rack your brains over it, it's already your "friend's" problem. This is his life and his choice. You shouldn't be sad because of such people. Perhaps he himself is aware of his guilt. But your life goes on! Believe me, you will have a lot of good things in your life and there will be much more!
Guardian Angel is always with you :)
mika , age: 21 / 23.12.2010
Hello Dima.
After reading what was written somehow painfully, you seemed like a good guy to me, well done! I had the same.
Now I am a soldier, and there are times when it is very difficult. But it is necessary to set an example for the soldiers, my help is needed by other people. When my heart is very heavy, I pray to God and ask Him for the strength to endure my trials. And He helps! Dima, I can simply advise you to gradually train your will and temper your character. Decide for yourself, but rather write for yourself what you would like to be, as well as your weaknesses that prevent this. And every day, starting small, try to be like what you imagine yourself to be. Take note of what gets in the way. What do you need to do to avoid repeating your mistakes? It'll be hard. Sometimes it's very difficult. It will be unbearable. It won't work. Sometimes it won't work at all. Then pray to God. Wipe away the tears, the blood and try again. It won't work again. Go anyway. Even if you don’t achieve what you set out to do, your character will change just from working on yourself. You have a smart head, it's a pity to lose one! Find a useful thing to do, because without a useful occupation, many unnecessary thoughts constantly arise.
I will write what helps me. 1. Prayer. 2. Help other people. Any help. Word, deed, charity, prayer. When I do this, my heart becomes lighter. Hope this helps you too! I wish you all the best!
Sergey, age: 27 / 24.12.2010
Hello Dima! To be honest, I really liked you. :) I'm glad that there are people who try to help others, who are not indifferent to the fate of others. :) Thank you for being you! I also try to help others. It seems to me that happiness is when you can really help another. Look at the smile of the one who just cried. Return faith and hope to those who are seriously ill. Watch and hold the hand of someone who is learning to walk again. Isn't it wonderful? To know that someone is happy, that someone is happy again. Not even necessarily thanks to you. Just be happy for someone else. Look at someone who is enjoying life again. And the very soul becomes warm and joyful. And yet, as far as I understand, happiness is just living.
Happiness is when the Lord lives in our soul, when love and kindness fill our soul. Interesting, as it seemed to me, the following parable. I hope, you like it. :) Cups of coffee. (Modern parable)
A group of successful graduates of a prestigious university, who have made a wonderful career, came to visit their old professor. During the visit, the conversation turned to work: graduates complained about numerous difficulties and life problems.
Having offered coffee to his guests, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a coffee pot and a tray filled with a variety of cups: porcelain, glass, plastic, crystal. Some were simple, others expensive.
When the graduates took apart the cups, the professor said:
- Please note that all the beautiful cups were dismantled, while the simple and cheap ones remained. And although it is normal for you to want only the best for yourself, but this is the source of your problems and stress. Realize that the cup alone does not make the coffee better.
Most often, it is simply more expensive, but sometimes it even hides what we drink. In reality, all you wanted was just coffee, not a cup. But you deliberately chose the best cups, and then looked at who got which cup.
Now think: life is coffee, and work, money, position, society are cups. They are just tools for maintaining and maintaining Life. What cup we have does not determine or change the quality of our Life. Sometimes, concentrating only on the cup, we forget to enjoy the taste of the coffee itself.
The happiest people are not those who have the best, but those who make the best of what they have.
Hugs! :) I hope that you will write) It's worth living!
Katya, age: 12/24/2010
I have never been popular with people and therefore I have never had normal friends, until the moment I am
I met a neighbor guy. Six months later, I realized that he was parallel to my popularity, he became my best friend, and as a result, my brother.
It seemed to me that nothing could destroy our friendship. But we started to grow up. For me, every year our friendship became stronger and stronger, which I cannot say about him. He found other friends. (I was happy for him, because I respected him and knew that he would not exchange me for anyone.) At first he introduced me to them, they accepted me as one of their own. For me it was the real happiness. Then he began to show off and assert himself at the expense of me. He ridiculed me, shamed me in front of everyone. I could not stand such a betrayal and told him to his face: “You are no longer my friend!” I deeply regretted my words. I missed him. He asked for
forgiveness, I forgave him, I forgot everything. But I did it in vain. Since I am physically weak, he began to use force on me if he did not like something. I endured. I didn't want to end our friendship. But he again began to assert himself at the expense of me, it was no longer
words, these were humiliations. I couldn't take it anymore.
I told him that a man will be tortured, but he will never give up his
friend, and even more so he will not betray him. For about a year I suffered greatly, as if my life had no meaning, as if my very own
a dear person to whom I would entrust my life, so I could not take revenge on him, it would be tantamount to taking revenge myself
yourself. Three years have passed, but sometimes, remembering all the best moments, I cry. (I'm not ashamed, because after this it's not like
I have to cry, I have to go and jump from the roof, I had such thoughts, but I have a mother, whom I can in no way hurt
such terrible pain.) It taught me that you can not trust those people who love only themselves and are ready to humiliate for a little glory. He asked for forgiveness many times, but I did not forgive him, or rather I could not forgive him.
Max, age: 07/17/2012
DimOn, I understand you very much. I am writing now
this is because I myself am now in such a
situation, but to a lesser extent
the state you are in.
Your
I really liked the writing, after
reading it, I think many people will change
outlook on life. I was in that situation too,
when betrayed by a friend whom you loved and considered
by his brother. I drew images for myself that we are
the best of the best. Even remembering moments,
tears appear. When you remember childhood,
there are always tears of joy, because
it was so *****! And now, even when
I'm only 15 years old, there is no such
attitude to life, there is no such fun, why-
then thoughts about the cruel
are spinning in my head reality that suddenly kills you
from within! At one point it even happened that I was
did not find kind and sincere people, I thought that
everyone is like that, they look so good, but in reality they are
actually indifferent creatures (example, from own
experience) ... I began to be so afraid of this when on
felt myself. Only one salvation for me
it was my parents! So, I could
write more and in more detail, but patience would not be
enough, because a lot of what I want
write.
In general, I want to say: understand
people, despite the fact that you think that you are
found the best person in the world: love, friend
etc., then it can only be a "doll".
But I think that there is still such a
human! Don't be indifferent, and don't
pursue material values (including
sense that do not put material values
higher than the spiritual! Be sincere. Kind and
clean people are the strongest people! DimON, you are
overall a good person, God bless you.
G.N. , age: 15 / 29.03.2013
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| Printable version |
Although your feelings are hurt, you need to consider the situation as a whole and “sort it out”. Only after that make decisions about further behavior. 
But this is an illusion. We ourselves doom ourselves to torment, trying to find the reason in ourselves, without going into a conversation with a traitor. 
What seems intimate to you, others may perceive as a fun fact or an insignificant event. By accidentally talking about it, they become traitors in your eyes, but they don’t feel guilty about themselves, because they simply don’t understand that they hurt someone’s feelings. Another thing is if this is a conscious choice and you are chosen as a victim for ridicule or humiliation. 
If friendship is still important to you and the person feels the same way, give them a test. 
