Home » Misc » Anger at ex

Anger at ex


How to Stop Being Angry at Your Ex

Source: Bigstock, with permission

There is nothing quite like being betrayed by the person who is supposed to love you most. Somewhere inherent in the concept of love is the belief that you will protect one another’s best interests. Allowing yourself to love someone requires a level of trust that you likely didn’t give easily. So when the trust you give gets trampled on, anger is a perfectly normal, self-preserving response.

But the wound that gets inflicted from betrayal can sometimes linger long after a relationship ends, and when you hold on to anger and resentment, it can become toxic and keep you from moving forward. When your anger over another person’s actions is keeping you stuck, it means he or she still exerts control over your life.

So how do you let go of the anger? The following four steps can help you work through the process.

1. Acknowledge it. Anger is an emotion that people are often uncomfortable with. You may hold beliefs about anger, such as: Nice people don’t get angry; anger is unattractive; I’m above being angry. Some will go to extreme measures to numb the anger, often with self-destructive and unhealthy behavior, but avoiding it doesn’t help it go away.

The first step to letting it go is being OK with it. When someone treats you poorly, violates your boundaries, or does something hurtful, you have a right to be angry about it. Feeling the anger in these situations tells you that you have a healthy level of self-respect. Realize that the anger is there to help you. The anger is telling you that you are in a situation that may not be in your best interest. It is often the emotion that gives you the courage to separate from an unhealthy relationship.

2. Express it. This is a tricky one. You may have had the experience of stuffing your anger down until it erupts in one big explosion, only to later regret it and promise to keep it stuffed down even deeper next time. Or you may have been criticized in the past for showing your anger. To be clear, there are healthy and unhealthy ways to express anger, and doing it in an unhealthy way can be damaging to you and your relationships with others. Expressing anger in a healthy way is something that many people struggle with, but letting it out is an important part of freeing yourself from it.

While there may be times when expressing your anger directly to someone may be important, when dealing with an ex, the relationship is already over, and the healing you need is about you, not him or her. Sharing it with your ex isn’t necessary, because the reality is you don’t need their apology or even their acknowledgment to heal. A safe way to get it out is to simply write it down. Write a letter to your ex telling them everything you really want to say. Don’t hold anything back, because you aren’t going to send it. Underneath a lot of anger is often a good deal of hurt, so if tears come while you are doing this, let them flow. After you’ve written down your feelings, put the letter aside and make an effort to go do something fun and active. Later, if sharing it still feels important, then share the letter with someone you trust, such as a close friend or a therapist. When you’re ready, put it away or, better yet, get rid of it.

3. Depersonalize it. What any one person says or does is always much more about them than it is about you. If your partner cheated on you, it wasn’t because you weren’t good enough; it was because he/she chose to be unfaithful. Learning to release your anger can often happen more easily when you take your focus off of the specific events that occurred and instead try to see the perspective of the people involved. Most people don’t act with the intention of directly hurting another person; generally, they make choices intending to make themselves feel better. For better or worse, it is in our nature as human beings to operate from our own self-beneficial perspective, and the impact of our actions on others is often a secondary consideration. It doesn’t make it right, but sometimes seeing the other person’s perspective can help you better understand the events that unfolded and make them less personal. It can also be easier to forgive someone when you see them as a whole person. If you find yourself stewing in anger over something that another person did or didn’t do, try to pull back and remember the good qualities you saw in that person when you first met, and recognize that we all have flaws, and we all make mistakes. Remember:

“Love didn't hurt you. Someone who doesn't know how to love hurt you.” —J. Shetty

4. Heal it. Recovering from an emotional injury is not unlike recovering from a physical one. You need to rest and nurture yourself during the healing process. Practice self-compassion as much as possible, engage in as many healthy self-care activities as you can, and most of all surround yourself with friends and family you know care about you and have your best interests at heart. Know that no matter how awful the experience, there is always something you can learn from it that can make your life better going forward, selfishly look for the silver lining. And keep in mind it is always better to be alone than to be with someone who doesn’t see you clearly enough to value you.

Facebook image: khoamartin/Shuterstock

Getting Over Your Anger At An Ex Is Hard, But Not Impossible

No matter how much time has passed since your breakup, getting over your anger at an ex can be difficult. Even if your animosity toward them is totally valid, stewing in post-breakup bitterness sucks. And unfortunately, it can often be more damaging to you and your mental health than to the person it's directed at.

It's not all bad — anger can sometimes be useful. Keri Ann Long, a marriage and family therapist, tells Elite Daily anger is healthy "when we use it to change something about our situation that isn’t working for us. When anger motivates us to take a healthy action — like setting a boundary, having a difficult conversation, or changing something about our situation — it serves a positive purpose. "

But if your anger is unproductive, holding onto it will probably only hurt you in the end. "Without processing your feelings, you may try to find ways to hang on to the relationship, [or] have resentments or grudges toward your ex," Dr. Natalie Jones, a licensed psychotherapist, tells Elite Daily. "You may act out in ways that are retaliatory, and most importantly, you may miss out on what your experience in the relationship taught you."

If you're looking to release your negative feelings toward your ex and find inner peace, here are five tips on how to move forward.

Find The Root Of Your Anger

Cavan Images/Cavan/Getty Images

In the weeks or months after your breakup, don't be afraid to hold space for all of your emotions. But that being said, seek to understand them in a deeper way. Discerning why you're angry, Long says, will help you figure out how to best move on. For example, maybe you're angry because you're actually hurt that your ex broke up with you. Or maybe you're angry at the way they did it, or don't agree with the reasons behind it. Just remember: "If being angry at a person feels like a way of punishing them, it’s worth asking if it’s actually having that desired effect," Long says. Maybe you'll find that your anger is actually only punishing you.

Reach Out To Your Ex (With Caution)

If you feel like you need to reach out to your ex to find closure, only do so if you believe it'll be productive. But keep in mind: The effectiveness of this conversation will depend on whether your ex is emotionally mature enough to handle it, and what your expectations are. Try not to go into it expecting to get all the answers. You can only control your side of the conversation, so it's helpful to go in with a plan for what you want to say.

"If you want to have that conversation [about how they hurt you], it’s helpful to speak from your own experience, and share your own feelings without attacking or blaming," Long says.

Long's biggest tip here is to lead with "I" statements. For example, you might say, "I felt really [insert adjective here] when [insert comment or behavior here] happened." By using these types of statements, you reduce the chance of a defensive argument and "increase the chance that they will be able to respond in a way that actually feels good to us," Long says.

Process Your Feelings With Someone You Trust

Vuk Saric/E+/Getty Images

If a conversation with your ex is out of the question, pivot to your support system. "You are probably better off processing this on your own or with someone you really trust," Long says. A grounded best friend or a sage family member can really help change your perspective.

"Talking about a painful process can be difficult, but it can also be healing when you have those who are there to support you and find constructive feedback," Jones explains. Just be sure to ask the other person's consent to avoid emotional dumping (aka: unloading your emotions without considering the toll that might take on them).

You might have questions your friends or family aren't experienced or knowledgeable enough to answer. In that case, it might be worth seeking out therapy.

Make A Fresh Mental Start

One of the best ways to let go of anger is by releasing it on paper. Long suggests working through your anger by journaling. "You can even write a letter that says all the things you would love to be able to say to [your ex], but not send it," Long suggests. "Some people like to burn the letter or tear it up as a way of letting go."

When it comes to moving on after a split, Jones says to be "mindful about scheduling other appropriate activities after your breakup, to help you channel and release your anger." Along with journaling, Jones also recommends throwing your ex's stuff away and exercising to release negative energy.

Find A Healthy Physical Outlet

Just as moderate anger can help you connect with your feelings, it can also help you connect with your body. "Anger, just as a fight-or-flight mechanism, with stress and anxiety is meant to be physiologically beneficial,” Dr. Cynthia Thaik, a cardiologist, told U.S. News & World Report. In intense, adrenaline-worthy situations, your fight-or-flight response (increased blood flow to your heart, your muscles, and nervous system) can spur you to action. In some cases, your physiological response to anger can be a good thing.

But existing in constant anger can lead to chronic insomnia, fatigue, anxiety, and a weakened immune system. "If you have built up angry energy in your body, it can be helpful to have a healthy and safe release for that anger," Long says.

She recommends physical activities like punching pillows, running, and signing up for a kickboxing class. "Or any other healthy and safe activity that allows you to release that energy," she says.

Simmering in resentment toward your ex can be easier than working through it, and confronting someone who hurt you or spilling your guts to a therapist can be terrifying. But take it from the experts: The short-term discomfort of working through your anger is worth the long-term inner peace in the end.

Experts:

Dr. Natalie Jones, Psy.D., LPCC, a licensed psychotherapist

Keri Ann Long, licensed marriage and family therapist

Dr. Cynthia Thaik, cardiologist and holistic health practitioner

How to stop being angry with your ex: 3 easy steps - follow our instructions

Man and woman Divorce

Photo
Unsplash

The wound caused by betrayal sometimes heals too long. If you hold on to resentment, you cannot move forward. When anger stemming from another person's actions keeps you stuck, it means they still have control over your life. So how do you let go of anger?

1. Recognize

Anger is an emotion that often makes people uncomfortable. You can hold the following beliefs: “good people don’t get angry”, “anger is unattractive”, “I am above such emotions”. Some go to extreme measures to drown out the negative feeling. Often these steps are associated with self-destructive and unhealthy behavior.

The first thing to do to let go of anger is to accept it.

When someone mistreats you, violates personal boundaries, or does something hurtful, you have the right to be angry with him. Feeling angry in these situations indicates that you have self-respect. Understand that anger is there to help you. It signals that you are in a dangerous situation. Often it is emotions that give courage to end an unhealthy relationship. nine0003

2. Express

You may have suppressed anger in the past until it exploded in one big explosion. Later you regretted and made a promise to keep such emotions even deeper in the future. Or faced criticism for openly displaying anger.

Let's be clear: there are healthy and unhealthy ways to express emotions. The unhealthy can harm you and your relationships with other people, the healthy ones allow the wound to heal.

Letting go of anger is an important part of releasing this negative feeling

Sometimes it is necessary to express emotions directly to a specific person. But when it comes to people with whom the relationship has already ended, sharing feelings is not necessary, because you do not need their apologies to heal.

A safe way to release anger is to put it on paper. Write a letter to your ex, tell them everything you really want to say. Don't hide anything because you're not going to send a message. Strong anger often hides a lot of pain, so if you want to cry, don't hold back. nine0003

After you've finished, put the letter aside and make an effort to do something fun and active. Later, if you still feel it's important, share the letter with someone you trust, such as a close friend or therapist. When you're ready, remove the message, or better yet, destroy it.

3. Depersonalize

What a person says or does always concerns him more than you. If a partner cheated on you, this does not mean that you were bad at something, he just decided to be unfaithful. nine0003

Learning to let go of anger is easier when you try to see the situation through the eyes of others

Most people don't set out to hurt someone. They usually do something to make themselves feel better. For better or worse, it's human nature to make decisions based on your own benefit. We think secondarily about how these actions will affect others.

Of course, this is not an excuse. But sometimes understanding what another person was guided by can help you better understand past events and not take them personally. It is always easier to forgive a person when you see him as a whole person. nine0003

If you find yourself seething with anger over what the other person did or didn't do, try to step back and remember the good qualities you noticed in them when you first met. Recognize that we all have flaws and we all make mistakes. “Love in itself does not harm us. The one who does not know how to love hurts, ”says Jay Shetty, motivational speaker.

About the Author: Janice Wilhauer is a Cognitive Psychotherapist and Director of Psychotherapy at the Emery Clinic. nine0060

Text: Polina FrankePhoto source: Unsplash

New on the site

How not to kill your liver, stomach and whole body during the holidays: 5 rules

“I hate studying, I hate my parents, and most of all I hate myself”

Things to do at home with kids on holidays: 8 creative ideas it has neither strength nor desire. Why?" nine0003

“After the sudden death of my husband, I can hear his breathing at night”

A promising cure for depression has been found. The secret is in the combination of medicine and computer program

news, men, relationships, women, advice, love and family

Belarus news / Love and family


Belnovosti

19.08.2019 17:05

belnovosti. [email protected]

When a relationship comes to a logical conclusion, many girls begin to hate their ex. This happens only for one reason - there was a strong love. If there were no feelings, then all the anger will come to naught. nine0014

Anger often comes from a betrayal or a bad breakup. However, what's the point of holding anger and resentment against your ex-partner, maybe it's easier to let him go and start living a full life?

Acknowledge anger

Anger is a strong emotion that makes a person perform certain actions. Anger also provokes additional discomfort and stress.

But, as practice shows, most girls do not recognize the fact of anger. It seems to them that they just hate him and want to forget about him forever. And if so, why do most people continue to visit his pages on social networks and follow his life? nine0003

So the first thing to do is to accept the presence of anger. It is impossible to get rid of this feeling or overcome it.

You must come to terms with it, and only after that you can start making new plans. And everyone should understand that only when this fact is accepted will it be possible to reconsider their life. And what is the point of being angry with him and sincerely hating him?

Remember all the bad traits of your partner

As already mentioned, hatred arises only in one case - if there were real feelings. Therefore, it is important to start with an analysis of past relationships. Why not try to remember all his shortcomings and negative traits? Yes, you know about them and hatred is already overflowing. But, there is a completely different task - it must be forgotten. nine0003

Many girls consciously deceive themselves, but subconsciously continue to experience certain feelings. Therefore, it is important to remember all his shortcomings and understand that breaking up a relationship is the best thing in your life. This will not be so easy to do, but without this step, you will not be able to continue living in the same rhythm.

Start a new relationship

After a breakup, “scars” often remain that are difficult to heal and distrust is manifested towards all members of the stronger sex.

And as practice shows, some girls can "throw" their hatred on a new partner, which will destroy new relationships in a short time. nine0003

Therefore, it is important to remember only one rule: a new relationship is a blank slate. Negative experiences should be left in the past. Taking it with you into a new relationship, you will always feel maximum discomfort and stress.

Remove him from all social networks and more on go to the page

Even after a few years, a girl can go to the page of her ex and negative emotions will cover her again.

This fact must be recognized, because feelings do not just disappear even after a few years. The only right decision in this case is to let go of your new partner and try to start life from scratch. nine0003

And for this, in no case should you remind yourself of the person with whom the negative experience is connected.

Learn more