Addicted to your lover
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SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
Also visit the online treatment locator.
SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357) (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service), or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.
Also visit the online treatment locator, or send your zip code via text message: 435748 (HELP4U) to find help near you. Read more about the HELP4U text messaging service.
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English and Spanish are available if you select the option to speak with a national representative. Currently, the 435748 (HELP4U) text messaging service is only available in English.
In 2020, the Helpline received 833,598 calls. This is a 27 percent increase from 2019, when the Helpline received a total of 656,953 calls for the year.
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No, we do not provide counseling. Trained information specialists answer calls, transfer callers to state services or other appropriate intake centers in their states, and connect them with local assistance and support.
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Created for family members of people with alcohol abuse or drug abuse problems. Answers questions about substance abuse, its symptoms, different types of treatment, and recovery. Addresses concerns of children of parents with substance use/abuse problems.
It's Not Your Fault (NACoA) (PDF | 12 KB)
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Explores the role of family therapy in recovery from mental illness or substance abuse. Explains how family therapy sessions are run and who conducts them, describes a typical session, and provides information on its effectiveness in recovery.
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Last Updated: 08/30/2022
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Love lover. What to do if you are stuck in a dependent relationship
It happens that a married woman is disappointed in marriage and finds solace in the arms of another man. Over time, relationships without obligations develop into deep affection, and the lady faces a difficult question: “I love my lover, what should I do?”. There are many ways of developing events in such a situation. It is not known which of them a woman will prefer, but in any case, she will have to face doubts, anxieties and fears. How to make the right choice and not lose yourself will be discussed in our article.
From this article you will learn:
- Why women start cheating
- How to seduce a man
- Is it possible to maintain a relationship with both her husband and her lover
- Why there is no future in a relationship with a lover
- How to survive a breakup with a lover
- How to control yourself and not fall in love with your lover
What pushes a woman to have a lover
There is an opinion that men change under the influence of instincts, and a woman - because of serious emotional and psychological problems. Therefore, if the wife has a lover, then the family really is not all right. Perhaps the husband has been busy with his career for many years and does not pay attention to his wife. Or he is preoccupied only with himself, and does not help a woman with solving everyday problems, and she gets herself a lover to distract herself from routine and dissatisfaction with life.
Sometimes the reason for infidelity lies in the fact that the lady is not satisfied with sex with her husband. She tried many times to discuss her problem with her husband, but each time she ran into a wall of misunderstanding and indifference. After all, it can be difficult for a man to admit even to himself that he is not fire in bed. And listening to criticism from his wife is all the more unpleasant, because this is such a blow to pride. So the couple finds themselves at a dead end because of their unwillingness to listen to each other and compromise.
Cheating can be for profit, such as when a woman sleeps with her boss to get her husband a good job. But in this case, the emergence of sincere feelings between lovers is most likely impossible, because both realize that they are participating in a mutually beneficial process, nothing more.
Infidelity can act as a weapon of revenge. For example, a woman knows that her husband periodically communicates with other ladies. She was tired of being jealous, exhausted from the fear of being abandoned, and out of desperation decided to have a lover in order to take revenge on her husband.
Other reasons why women cheat:
There can be many reasons why women in marriage cheat on their husbands. Different circumstances push the ladies to take such a step, but the result is the same: there is a lover and you need to understand what to do next with this fact. First of all, try to be honest with yourself. Answer the questions, what pushed you into the arms of another man, and why do you need it. Are you ready to lose your family because of your act? Is your lover really giving you something vital?
As a rule, it is not difficult for a woman to find out the reason for infidelity. Most likely, she was known even before committing treason. So treat the romance on the side as a way to heal emotional wounds and solve personal problems.
But let's imagine that the worst has already happened, and you fell in love with your new boyfriend, but he does not reciprocate. You do not give up and try your best to arouse sincere and deep feelings in him. The following suggestions may help you with this.
How to make a lover fall in love with you
Watch your appearance
Men like it when a woman looks good. Therefore, no matter how deep your inner world is, try to ensure that the appearance does not lag behind it. Take care of yourself, love yourself, because only in this case the man will understand that you are worthy of his affection.
One should not concentrate on any one part of the external appearance, for example, on clothes, and neglect the rest. You need to take care of yourself comprehensively.
The body must be taut. If you don't want to go to the gym, work out at home. Buy a simulator, download video tutorials. It is not necessary to torment yourself with diets in an effort to be thin, but taking care of muscle tone is simply necessary.
Assess the condition of your hair. They should be shiny, with a beautiful haircut and, if necessary, dyed in a timely manner.
Don't forget to take care of your nails and body skin. In winter, due to temperature changes, frost and heating, the skin dries very much and needs strong hydration.
If nature has not endowed you with a bright appearance, do not neglect makeup. With its help, you can favorably emphasize the natural beauty.
A man loves to conquer, so if you become a worthy trophy, he will not be able to resist you.
Be nice and smile
A positive attitude, peace-loving character and a sincere smile can enchant any gentleman. Indeed, in the company of a cheerful and benevolent person, you can relax, not be afraid of an offensive word addressed to you, in general, it is easy to be yourself.
If a man is trying to impress you, play along. Smile more, laugh at his jokes, compliment him, praise him when he talks about his achievements.
Everyone loves to be the center of attention and feel genuine interest in their person. Support this desire in your beloved. Be aware of his affairs, empathize, but in no case advise anything unless you are asked about it, and do not impose your point of view.
Gently touch him
Light, pleasant touches will tell about your feelings and awaken desire in a man. Do not be afraid to take his hand or hug him when you meet. Tactile contacts are better than words to help people get closer.
Easy victories are not appreciated and not remembered, so keep your distance, be self-sufficient, no need to hang yourself on a man's neck. Do not text every hour, do not make sacrifices for a fleeting meeting, do not beg to stay with you for another hour. Respect your dignity, then the man will treat you the same way.
Agree only with what suits you
If any moments in communication violate your comfort zone, immediately refuse them, do not endure. Be open about your desires, don't be afraid to sound stupid or funny. You are an adult who has the right to have his opinion taken into account.
Do not confess your love before him
Even if you want to shout about your feelings, endure, otherwise you can ruin everything. Upon learning of your affection, a man may lose interest, realizing that the goal has been achieved, the prey has fallen into a trap, or he will relax, confident that he is keeping you on a short leash. The longer the partner doubts your feelings, the longer the candy-bouquet period will be.
Husband loves, lover loves: what to do and how to combine relationships
There are situations when a woman loves her lover and her husband at the same time and does not know what to do. And it happens the other way around: both men love a lady at once, but she is confused and is not ready to make a choice at the moment. If a woman decides to be in a relationship with both her husband and her lover at the same time, the following ideas will help her:
- Lover should be perceived as a way to relieve stress and sexual frustration.
Do not drive yourself into a dead end with affection for both men at once. This can lead to personality disorder and deep depression. Leave love to your legal spouse, because you are connected by years of marriage, common children and many happy moments.
- Do not compare men. You have known your husband for a long time. During this time, in your perception, the merits could fade, and the shortcomings become aggravated. The lover is perceived in a rosy light. He is still a new person for you, only his attractive sides are striking. Due to the fact that you are under the control of emotions and cannot be objective, do not compare men.
- Choose a lover who will play by your rules. First, understand why you need a lover. If you want to leave your husband, then immediately look for a single man who can love you and offer you a hand and heart. If your goal is sex or money, then select the appropriate partner who will give you what you need, but do not want a serious relationship.
- Don't convince yourself that your lover is better than your husband. At first glance, all people seem good, but it takes years to really get to know a person. Therefore, do not neglect your husband, who has never let you down and has always been there in difficult situations, do not idealize your lover.
- Choose a lover who will keep his mouth shut. The safest option is if the lover is married, then both of you will be in the same position.
“I love a lover who is married…”
It all started as a harmless affair. He is married, you are married. You were satisfied with secret short meetings with rough sex when adrenaline rolls over and it seems that you are 20 years old again.
When you come home, you gradually come to your senses, return to the circle of everyday worries, begin to forget your love affair and even feel a little ashamed of it, until passion again takes over.
Psychologists say that a woman inevitably falls in love with the man she sleeps with. Such is the nature of the female psyche, which is impossible to resist. Therefore, one day you suddenly realize that you are just going crazy from a storm of emotions and constantly repeating: I love a married lover, what should I do!?
Thoughts appear in the head, one more naive than the other:
- We would have amazing sex every day! Not like now with her husband: rarely, quickly and there is nothing to remember.
- We would bathe in romance! No routine and gray days!
- We are two halves who finally found each other! Our first marriages are a fatal mistake.
A woman will rush to share her thoughts with her partner and will most likely meet with misunderstanding. Men are more rational and not inclined to be led by emotions. The lover is likely to be scared off by the partner's confessions.
While two people are connected by a secret relationship, adrenaline boils in the blood, thrills dilute the insipid everyday life. As soon as the game of hide and seek is over, and the couple decides to get together, all extreme will disappear, violent passion will give way to the same routine. A man understands all this perfectly, while a woman can be captive of her fantasies and think that romance and passionate love will never stop.
Life will quickly dispel illusions and put everything in its place. He will begin to annoy her child, and she will be nervous and scandalous because he visits his children too often. Over time, a longing for a past life will appear, in which everything was so harmoniously debugged, calm and reliable, albeit monotonous.
The saddest thing will happen when lovers realize that they have made the biggest mistake. The bitterness of the deed and the inability to turn everything back will poison the new family life.
How to fall out of love with a lover and break up with him
A breakup is always hard. To deal with emotions, use the following tips:
- Invent a new dream for yourself
Do not attach too much importance to the beloved on the side. Do not make him the personification of all your dreams and desires. Set yourself an ambitious new goal. It may have nothing to do with relationships with the opposite sex.
- Forget about pleasant moments
To erase a lover from memory, first you need to remove all reminders of him from real life. Delete the correspondence, erase his number and joint photos on the phone. Focus on the negative aspects of your communication. For example, remember that your partner often deceived you, and you hate lies.
- Get rid of gifts
Say goodbye to gifts and souvenirs that remind you of your loved one. Constantly confronted with them, you will only be upset in vain and remember the time spent together.
If you met on your territory, then rearrange or even repair the apartment. Buy new pieces of furniture or home accessories. So you will occupy your head with new ideas, and housing will no longer remind you of dates with your lover.
- Get out of the house
Do not fence yourself off from the outside world, savoring your longing. Lead an active life, go to exhibitions, to the cinema, ride the carousels with your children in the park. Life is beautiful, so don't waste it on being sad about a person who wouldn't make you happy anyway.
- Start a new hobby
Since you have decided to say goodbye to the past and start all over again, find yourself an original hobby that you have never encountered before. Creativity clears the mind, distracts from bad thoughts, helps relieve stress and charges with positive.
Recommended articles on this topic:
- Manipulation, worship and narcissism: how to live with a narcissist man?
- Phrases for dating, after which a man will call you on a date
- How often do men think about sex: details in numbers
- Unleash your emotions
Don't keep feelings to yourself. Unlived emotions accumulate in the body and can lead to health problems. If you want to cry, cry. Beat the dishes, hit the punching bag until your hands hurt, run around the park until you feel completely exhausted and cleansed of negative feelings.
How to cope with depression after a breakup
Any relationship will eventually end. To put out the fire of love and not burn yourself out, you need to know how to cope in a difficult situation:
- Taboo phone calls to an ex-lover
If you have made the decision to end the relationship with your lover, then follow it to the end. No need to call him every day, keep silent on the phone or pretend that you just want to chat about trifles, like with an old friend. Every time you pick up your phone and start dialing a number you've learned by heart, stop. Even if you are not afraid to look stupid, just show respect for yourself and your choice. Do not stir up the past, be firm in the intention to start everything from scratch.
- Treat yourself
You are now going through a difficult period in your life, which can be complicated by not sharing your sadness with anyone in particular. In this difficult moment, try to support yourself on your own. Take care of yourself, pamper yourself, buy beautiful things or your favorite food. Do not deny yourself a piece of cake or a box of chocolates, because you really need positive emotions now.
- Get your feelings out on paper
When longing becomes unbearable, throw it out on paper. Write about what you feel and think. Do not try to express thoughts smoothly. Write what comes to mind spontaneously, without thinking or analyzing. This is one of the methods of knowing yourself and dealing with stress, used in psychotherapy. After some time, you can reread the records, but this is not necessary. You can even destroy them. The main thing is to throw out the accumulated negative emotions. It is advisable to arrange such sessions every day until you feel better. Make it a rule to write a page of text every morning, and in a few weeks you will feel much better.
- Find yourself among fellow sufferers
Do you think you are the only one who suffers from the thought “I love my lover, what should I do”? No, there are many such women, there are even communities on social networks dedicated to this problem. If you have no one to trust in your inner circle, try chatting with people on forums or in groups. Firstly, you will find yourself in a circle of comrades in misfortune who will listen to you and sympathize. Secondly, you may find it funny that adults are constantly whining and crying into each other's vest, and you will reconsider your behavior.
- Do not suppress your feelings
There is no need to pretend and forcefully smile when you really want to cry. So you will not alleviate your grief, but only aggravate it. After all, in order for longing to pass, it must be fully lived. This is the only way to get rid of painful emotions. Wake up every morning with faith in yourself and your strength. Notice everything good and good around you, this will be the anchor of your new life.
How not to fall in love with a lover
Falling in love with a sexual partner is very easy. Romance, passion and secret dates turn everyday life into an exciting film. Against this background, the lover appears as a fairy-tale hero who came to free the princess from the clutches of her monster husband.
However, do not give in to temptation and lose your head from falling in love. Think back to your relationship with your husband. Surely, between you there were passion, and romance, and nights of violent sex. Then you got married, got a mortgage, had a baby, got a promotion for your husband, and he started working hard. The monotonous life has replaced the ardent passion.
And this is no coincidence. Otherwise, the person simply would not have survived. After all, strong emotions burn a lot of energy, suppress all other feelings, blind themselves. You can not live long at the peak of passions. It can burn out like a match. Ordinary, monotonous everyday life protects our psyche from overload.
In addition, in real life, the lover, most likely, will turn out to be completely different from the person you imagined him to be. He can scatter dirty socks, leave dirty dishes on the table, not raise the toilet seat and do other things that annoy you terribly.
If you feel that you love your lover, and do not know what to do, try to find the strength in yourself and break off relations with him. To make it easier to do this, find negative traits in your partner and think about them. Perhaps, after analyzing the weaknesses of a lover, you really understand that he is not your other half, and falling in love will pass by itself.
Thank you for reading this article to the end
Hello, my name is Yaroslav Samoilov. I am an expert in the psychology of relationships and over the years of practice I have helped more than 10,000 girls meet worthy halves, build harmonious relationships and return love and understanding to families that were on the verge of divorce.
What inspires me more than anything is the happy eyes of students who meet the people of their dreams and enjoy a truly vibrant life.
My goal is to show women a way to develop relationships that will help them create a synergy of success and happiness!
Get out of love addiction | PSYCHOLOGIES
Know Yourself Man and Woman
Svetlana came for a consultation to get rid of her addiction. She is 40 years old, she does not drink, does not take drugs, but she feels like a real addict. “I can’t imagine a day without Vadim. As soon as he leaves for the weekend to meet with the children from his first marriage, and I’m already crying, I feel like I’m not needed by anyone ... And I constantly call him. I wouldn't wish that kind of passion on anyone."
Even if the absence of a loved one is difficult to bear, then the thought that he can stop loving is unbearable for a dependent person, and the departure of a partner becomes a catastrophe. Love becomes a force that cannot be controlled. “I want him to love me to death,” says 34-year-old Olga, “otherwise he’d rather die.”
Love addiction, like other addictions, makes a person strive for the object of passion, while forgetting about himself. A person obsessed with love is often unable to take care of himself: he eats poorly, sleeps poorly, does not pay attention to his health.
Neglecting himself, he spends all his life energy on his partner... thereby causing him to suffer. All attention, all thoughts and feelings are focused on him and only on him, everything else seems meaningless and boring.
“Dependent people cannot determine the boundaries of their personality, they seize a loved one, leaving him no free space,” says Valentina Moskalenko. “When love turns into complete control over a partner, it interferes with the development of a full sexual and love union.”
Often there is dependence on a partner who treats the lover badly. Contrary to popular belief, everyone is at risk of becoming a victim of such passion: men and women, young and mature, rich and poor.
Another case is when violent emotions generally become the meaning of existence. Such a person literally “falls” into love. This leap is often driven by the need to dampen the sense of the meaninglessness of life.
“We are looking for in romantic love not only earthly love and human relationships. We are looking for religious experiences and a passionate desire to comprehend our inner world in it, ”says the American Jungian psychoanalyst Robert Johnson.
In his opinion, passionate love, like true faith, can temporarily free us from contradictions and doubts and, like a guiding beacon, illuminate our life, giving it integrity and certainty, giving us the opportunity to rise above the level of everyday life.
“Everything that belongs to everyday life becomes unbearable,” says Valentina Moskalenko. “Man lives only for this jump. ” These two situations have a common denominator - the suffering generated by addiction.
Thirst for sacrifice
People get addicted not only from tender, loving relationships. The opposite and no less frequent case is dependence on a cruel, rude partner.
Before work, Marina covers her bruises with foundation and thinks: “Of course, with my figure… But in fact, he is good…”. Anatoly habitually stoops at his wife's next shout, sighing to himself: "Of course, with my salary..."
Living in unbearable relationships, enduring humiliation and even coldness and severity of parents.
“If a person is driven by a desire to fill that long-standing spiritual void, then no treatment, even cruelty, can sober him up,” says Valentina Moskalenko. - His feelings (as if through the mouths of his parents) tell him: "You deserve it, you yourself are to blame."
“Those who become dependent on a “sacrificial” position unwittingly choose aggressive partners for themselves, simultaneously provoking them to humiliating, cruel behavior, adds transactional analyst Vadim Petrovsky. “In order to get rid of such dependence, first of all, it is necessary to realize one’s desire for suffering, inherent in childhood, in order to stop communicating with a partner from the position of a victim.”
Steps to liberation
The psychotherapy of too much love applies the principle of the medieval physician and alchemist Paracelsus: everything is poison, everything is medicine, both are determined by the dose. In other words, moderate use is good, but abuse is disastrous.
“As paradoxical as it sounds, you shouldn't love too much,” says Valentina Moskalenko. - Pay attention to love songs: many lyrics exalt the model of dependent relationships. For example, the classic "White light has converged on you like a wedge." To understand that such a perception of love and such an attitude towards a loved one is destructive for both, to recognize one’s own dependence on a partner is a difficult but necessary first step towards healing.
The next step is to awaken the senses and build relationships with yourself. “During therapy, I felt like a refrigerator that had finally been defrosted,” says 36-year-old Anastasia. “Suddenly she raised her head and saw: there were people around!”
“Psychotherapy helps a person realize who he is, where he is going in life and who he needs as a companion,” explains Valentina Moskalenko. “After all, an addicted person often lives as if under anesthesia, all his feelings are suppressed, because they are too painful.”
A love addict strives for ideal relationships that he lacked in childhood
Dealing with long-standing experiences and paying attention to the current situation is the task of the third step. Repressed feelings are often found to be related to childhood experiences: the love addict seeks some kind of ideal relationship that he lacked in childhood.
The child could be frightened that he was abandoned when his parents went to the store, because they did not explain to him that they left for a short time and would definitely return. If parents considered themselves victims of circumstances, they themselves were dependent on love, alcohol, whatever, then they could not teach children to be responsible for their lives.
In other cases, parents simply did not give us enough love and affection, and now we spend all our energy on making up for this lack of love.
“But don't think that in this case you will suffer all your life,” says Valentina Moskalenko. “An adult is able to cope with his love addiction: to think about why relationships make him suffer, stop blaming himself and understand that he is worthy of love - the way he is.”
The opposite of addiction is not absolute freedom or isolation. During psychotherapy, people learn to build relationships that develop gradually - starting with falling in love, through gradual rapprochement and the development of trust.
It is important that each partner moves towards the other at his own speed, in contrast to the situation of love addiction, when a person instantly closes the distance and "sticks" to the beloved.