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Acting opposite to how you feel psychology


Changing Emotions By Doing The Opposite

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June 27, 2022

“Doing the opposite” is a really effective, straightforward strategy to change your emotional state that can be difficult to put into action. This technique involves doing the opposite of whatever behaviors you normally perform due to painful or negative emotions. Doing the opposite is a way to regulate your emotions, not deny them. Choosing a new, more functional, behavior can also positively affect your mood.

Every emotion has an emotion-driven behavior or urge. It is possible to change the negative emotion by doing the opposite of its behavior. Although avoiding painful feelings and situations works in the short-term, you are likely avoiding what you need to be doing to feel better in the long run.

Emotion Emotion-Driven Behavior Opposite
Depression Shut down, withdraw, isolate, avoid eye contact, maintain sullen, blank expression Be active, maintain eye contact, engage and act interested in conversations
Anger “Blow off steam”, aggression, yell, get defensive, and try to win each argument. Gently avoid by taking a break, talk calmly, smile, acknowledge other person's point of view
Anxiety Avoid certain people, situations, experiences, or things Approach/do not avoid, be engaged in situation, stay even if you are uncomfortable
Guilt/Shame Hiding, aggression, defensiveness Disclose, open up, maintain eye contact, speak calmly, apologize if needed

While your emotions are valid, the emotion-driven behaviors may be damaging relationships, keeping you from accomplishing important things in your life, and responding to painful feelings in the same unhelpful ways doesn't make you feel it. It just intensifies the feeling and makes you feel worse in the end. Acting opposite to emotional urges tend to decrease the intensity of emotions. Sometimes your emotions feel real, but do not fit the facts of the situation.

Negative emotions have the tendency to make you do the same things over and over again in an attempt to make you feel better. People have the tendency to respond to stress the same way over and over even if it does not work. Doing the opposite encourages you to act in a new way rather than continuing to rely on the usual response.

  1. Identify and name the painful emotions

  2. Identify and name your typical responses to the emotions. What behavior follows this strong emotion? How do you react?

  3. Explore what you do in challenging situations that provokes emotion-driven behaviors. How do you express your emotional state? What words, gestures, postures, facial expressions, and tones do you use to communicate how you feel? Your response is made up of words and body language, and they impact each other. Your body language may mimic how you are feeling and your tone, posture, and gestures can result in different mood states. It can be hard to analyze your body language and tone, but pay attention. You may be scowling, slouching, or avoiding eye contact without realizing it.

  4. Identify opposite behaviors. Once you have specified how you react you negative emotions, specifically plan how you will do the opposite actions, words and body language next time you feel that way.

  5. Do the opposite. This is the hard part. Try to pick the easiest, least threatening situation to start, then commit to doing the opposite in that situation or with a particular person. As you feel familiar emotions do and say what you planned. Be sure your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice supports your opposite action.

  6. Evaluate the experience. How did you do? Be kind to yourself and realize you won't get it right 100% of the time. How did you feel? Did your usual feelings decrease or change in any way? Did you experience any emotions that felt new in that situation? What did you learn that will help you do better next time? Incorporate these new ideas into your plan.

  7. Improve and fine tune your plan for next time you find yourself in that situation. Try doing it in other contexts or in a more challenging situation. If you struggle with doing the opposite, use these tips that may help:

    • Pick an easy person and/or situation to start with.
    • Create reminders so you won't forget to follow through on your plan.
    • Share your plan and your commitment with someone who cares about you and can offer support.
    • Do part but not all of what you planned. Do more a little at a time.

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Acting Opposite to Your Emotion

We often act consistent with how we feel. If you wake up in the morning and you don’t feel like talking with people, maybe you don’t answer the phone. If you don’t feel like going to the grocery store, then you don’t go. If you don’t feel like networking then you cancel the luncheon. If you don’t feel like being kind, you may talk gruffly to your friends and co-workers. Perhaps you even justify your actions, or attempt to, by saying, “I’m just in a bad mood.”

Emotionally sensitive people in particular often feel controlled by their emotions. You may push people away while upset and then deeply regret doing so when you are calm. Your emotions lead to actions that in the moment seem like exactly what you need and even must do. You may see your actions, such as pulling out of a relationship, as the only possible solution to a problem or as the only way to protect yourself from pain. Then later you regret your actions.

The problem is that the more you act consistent with emotions, the stronger the feeling becomes. If you isolate in your room because you are feeling depressed, then your depression is likely to increase. If you avoid people because you are anxious, then your anxiety will increase. If you are feeling frustrated and talk in a gruff manner, then your frustration will probably grow.

Emotions have actions that naturally follow and these actions work like a feedback system to the brain to confirm the emotion. If you are staying in your room then the message to your brain is that you are depressed. Acting consistent with depression then increases the intensity of the emotion. In addition, acting in mood dependent ways often has undesirable consequences.

When you recognize the feeling you are having, such as depression, and the action that naturally follows, such as withdrawal, you have an opportunity to change your emotion by acting in a different way. When you act in ways that are opposite to what you are feeling, the feedback to the brain does not confirm the emotion and you may ease the emotion, even change the way your are feeling (Linehan, 1993).

William James, often referred to as the father of American psychology, said, “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.

To act opposite to depression, you would be more active and interact with others. To act opposite of anxiety you would do what scares you. Going through the motions is a start, but to be truly effective with acting opposite to emotion, you must throw yourself in whole-heartedly. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) terms you would participate fully in acting opposite to your emotion. You would do it mindfully, being fully present in what you are doing. For example if you decide to act opposite by going to the grocery store when you want to stay in bed, you would do so by fully concentrating on the groceries you are buying and the people you interact with rather than wishing you had never left your house. When those thoughts come, which they probably will, notice them and gently bring your focus back to what you are doing. Stay mindful of the world outside.

Opposite to Emotion Action with Yourself

Sometimes the action that comes naturally with depression or disappointment or sadness is to emotionally berate yourself. You may ruminate over and over on your failures or your worthlessness. Opposite action would be to wholeheartedly treat yourself with loving-kindness. In addition to helping change your mood, the benefit for those who tend to dislike themselves is that you may change your view. As Mahatma Ghandi said, “Your beliefs become your thoughts, your thoughts become your words, your words become your actions, your actions become your habits, your habits become your values, your values become your destiny.

Note: The Emotionally Sensitive Person: Finding Peace When Your Emotions Overwhelm Youis available for pre-order and will be published on November 1, 2014. Thank you to everyone who helped make this book possible. If you are interested, check out The Emotionally Sensitive Person podcaston iTunes.

Mikhail Labkovsky: In relationships, we want to repeat the feelings we experienced in childhood - Maria Surmina - Project events - Site materials - Snob

The role of relationships in a person's life

By nature, we are social beings. Back in school, we were taught that the need to have a relationship is genetic. And various kinds of dissenters, who need to be alone or hermit, are treated by psychiatrists as inadequate: this is common among religious fanatics or those who have very painful relationships with other people. They prefer to say, "The more I get to know people, the more I love animals." A healthy, mentally well person has a desire to have a relationship. nine0005

Beyond that, the ideas proposed by the healthy and the neurotics diverge. Because, firstly, in any relationship there is a certain meaning, and secondly, their role in life is greatly exaggerated by those who lacked parents in childhood (they were either physically absent or were cold people). Many women believe that relationships are the only thing that exists. Self-realization, career, money - everything is meaningless, they acquire significance only in the absence of relationships. Due to the fact that many did not receive parental care in childhood, they now have an exaggerated attitude towards relationships: they are dominated by an obsession - to have someone nearby. At the same time, in comparison with women, men's priorities are slightly shifted: at the expense of work, the desire to receive money and other life attitudes. If a person, in principle, did not have such problems with his parents (he is healthy), relationships play a secondary role in his life, and self-realization comes first. nine0005

What is hidden behind the desire to have a loved one

Entering into a relationship, people subconsciously want to get money, care, attention, a roof over their heads - and at the same time do nothing. In fact, all this has no value: only emotions, experiences and feelings have it. Desiring a relationship, neurotics want to return to childhood and experience the sensations experienced earlier again. Healthy people are looking exclusively for mutual love, so they have no problems entering into a relationship. nine0005

Many women wonder where to find a man. When a person has an openness to relationships, the ability to live together with someone, then relationships arise on their own. For example, Nadenka, the heroine of the film “The Irony of Fate, or Enjoy Your Bath”, has been without a man all her life and has been left without him: she does not need her fiancé Ippolit. She needs a man who can fly drunk to another city, because before him she had already met a married man. She is a sufferer in life, everyone lowers her: “What a muck this is your aspic fish!” She liked the holidays only because she spent them with a married man. And her new lover Zhenya is just like her. Firstly, he has a fiancee, and secondly, he himself does not really understand what he needs (his mother wants him to get married). Women like Nadia need a deaf-blind sea captain, because they never had relationships with men in their childhood or had bad ones with their mother. nine0005

The key to a happy life to the grave is not in compromises, but in a stable psyche. Only in this case can you love the same person all your life. If the psyche is unstable, you can stop loving in five minutes, or simply something will start to dislike in a person. And in the future it will lead to divorce.

On the problems of unhealthy relationships

Neurotics can have many reasons for not having relationships, one of them is that they are simply not ready, although they themselves do not understand it. They are afraid to make connections: “I don’t meet strangers.” Express fear of sex: "I don't have sex without love, and I don't love you." May have painful experience: "I'm afraid of a new relationship." nine0005

If they still managed to enter into a relationship with the opposite sex, many soon part, because they find flaws in the partner. The search for a flaw is a protective function of the psyche of a person who is afraid of relationships. He may be irritated by a crooked toe on his left foot or a new smell. Men often like to brag about having one-time sex, considering it a feat. In fact, it is the same inability to have a relationship. Moreover, in sex they behave like children who are looking for their mother. Womanizers say: "I'm fine," arguing a new break with the "excessive bitchiness" of the lady and not looking for reasons in themselves. It is hard for them to admit that they are not ready for family life, and not just "did not find that person." The same happens with women. nine0005

Many of us, in principle, are not able to have a family, just as the heroes of Andrey Myagkov (Zhenya) and Barbara Brylskaya (Nadya) could not. Nadia's childhood experiences are suffering and self-pity. And the person who loves her and wants to make her happy cannot give her these feelings. She does not need love and care, but wants to constantly be in limbo. Such people cannot have relationships or families due to a difficult background, for example, unpleasant memories of the parental family. Men, in particular, are scared off by women who start to take care of them too much, because they are used to a cold mother and they never sit down at the dinner table as a family. nine0005

The famous “childfree” trend is people who are against having children. It seems to them that they have such a concept, but in reality a difficult childhood affects.

About the consequences of unhealthy relationships

Neurotic experiences flow into the presence of painful relationships. It begins to seem to a person that the partner wipes his feet on him: he does not call back, disappears, comes once a week just for sex, does not introduce him to friends or parents, does not feed. That is, he feels that he is being used. Such an attitude develops because he himself wants it: he likes to sob into the pillow when his partner leaves, sort things out, wait until the bell rings - these are those childhood experiences: how his parents abandoned him, gave him to a boarding school, took him to his grandmother . Such relationships are hopeless, they end in nothing. A man in such a situation will not propose to a woman, because he sees that there is no need to take on any obligations, since everything suits her anyway. He understands: she will be a little naughty, weep, and then accept. nine0005

Such situations are ridiculed in humorous programs: a man leafs through his notebook in search of a one-night stand who will definitely not refuse him, calls her - she agrees. Why cry after that? So there was no need to agree. But, just as she waited six months as a child for her mother to visit her, so now she is ready to wait another ten years for him. At the same time, it seems to her that she is being treated poorly, but in fact this is her need for a relationship.

The same happens when a girl communicates with a married man. Or if she agrees to an “open” relationship, but really wants a family, she will most likely not get married. She agrees to these conditions because she is afraid to be alone: ​​no one knows how life will turn out with a new chosen one, but she seems to love this one. nine0005

Questions

What to do if a woman understands that a man is using her, but still cannot end the relationship with him?

A situation in which “he didn't call back” means the end of a relationship for a healthy girl, the beginning of love for an unhealthy girl. There is a conflict here: the narcotic need to be near this man. In this situation, you need to introduce a rule: if you don’t like something, you must say about it once; if the person's behavior does not change, make a serious decision. Whining with the phrases “well, you promised”, “well, we agreed” is useless: this is how you talked in childhood with your parents, who did not take you to the zoo for three years. Here the situation is simple: I feel uncomfortable - I'm talking about this, if the behavior does not change - you need to end the relationship. At first, you will be sausage because you, as an addict, need these emotions, the main one of which is self-pity. But if you practice this behavior, then quickly enough let go of the situation, and men will begin to treat you differently. Because when his mother said something to him, but he did not do it, she did not sob into the pillow, but walked and beat him on the head with her hand. nine0005

What to do if a person is already married and has a family, but something in his partner's behavior starts to annoy him? Do not get divorced if he champs or scatters socks. Is it worth giving up?

It seems to you that if a person starts kicking you, then this is a reason for divorce, but if he champs, then you can be patient. Any annoying little thing can become a trigger. In fact, you and your husband have a real internal conflict, but there is nothing to complain about, because he behaves correctly. The psyche is arranged in such a way that it immediately finds what to throw it into. You tell him, "Don't slurp," and he continues. You need to disperse. Otherwise, your children will live in an atmosphere of terrible hatred and not understand why parents are constantly in conflict. nine0005

There are situations when the husband wants to watch football and the wife wants to watch ballet. If it is not possible to buy two TVs and the situation repeats itself, you have married the wrong person. There are systemic problems that show that you are incompatible in an ideological sense. If the action is one-time, you can close your eyes to it; if it is repeated, you begin to live in conflict not with your husband, but with yourself.

There are two ways out of your situation. Animals have two reactions: they either fight or they run away. There are no throwing and deep feelings: they quickly assess the situation and make a decision. You can accept circumstances, but not come to terms with them: you will scatter socks and slurp together. At the same time, you should like what you are doing, otherwise you need to change your husband. Scary is another matter. nine0005

According to your rule, I told the young man exactly what I didn't like about him. He changed behavior, but only for a few weeks, after which he disappeared. After some time, he appeared, began to call often and make attempts to come. I understand that I do not want to continue the relationship. How to stop reacting to his actions, if feelings still remain?

In my article, I wrote that if I manage to change a person's libido, then most likely I will receive a Nobel Prize. I managed to do it myself. Some time ago I fell in love with a very nice girl, there were no complaints about her. But twice she did the same thing: we agreed to meet, we have to phone - she does not pick up the phone. A few hours later, she calls back and says that she is late. The next day the situation repeats itself. She broke off my childhood feelings and did it not on purpose: living alone for a long time, working hard, she got used to not being dependent on anyone. And I don't blame her - it's her life. But after what happened, I realized that I didn’t feel anything for her, which was a shame, since I liked her. We tried again, but the feelings did not return, the psyche slowed down. nine0005

You need to break yourself. You feel resentment that he does this, but for you he is a man, because he makes you suffer. I, apparently, also liked this feeling, but I got rid of it. For people who love those who love them, the rest is an empty place: they feel nothing for them. The psyche is always stronger than a rational act, and everything that we think does not make any sense. In order to change your attitude, it is necessary in such situations to start behaving differently: when something does not suit you in life, you need to break off the relationship without bending. nine0005

We are all shaped by the daily repetition of our parents' behavior - it has shaped our mental responses. Try to do the same with yourself: behave in a certain way, and thus force the psyche to form new neural connections and new mental reactions.

After the end of the relationship, there was an inner need for an apology from the partner: he deceived me, and then just left. How to stop feeling this need?

From his point of view, he did not offend you, and in some ways he is right. My girlfriend didn't do anything to me either. Many neurotics believe that everything is done to them on purpose, but this is not so. It’s just that the person is the way he is: no one is to blame for anyone, you just don’t suit each other. You still like him, but because of his deceit, you understand that he will continue to do this to you. And you think right. Only arrogant women believe that everything will be different with them - it won't.

Enter a rule for yourself: if you don't like something, don't do it to your detriment. I didn’t like that he deceived - do not pay attention to emotions, try to forget about him. For a while, by inertia, you will still feel resentment and think that everything could be different. You are attracted to him because you have the desire to suffer. When you act according to the rules, it will pass.

I am 38 years old, never married and have no children, but I want to give birth in a strong family. How to build healthy and honest relationships? nine0038

First you need to build them in your head: you need to understand what your life looks like. Everything that you experience in relation to yourself, you need to learn to experience in relation to men. For example, if you don't love yourself, you don't love a man either; think that love must be earned - he must prove that he is something; you are mentally unstable - you will select such a partner.

Today, marriage is built on a love-dislike relationship. Initially, marriage had nothing to do with feelings: it was done for the sake of increasing the community, procreation, trying to improve one's life, so the selection criteria were health, wealth, good heredity, and generosity. If you want an honest relationship and a strong family, you must have an honest relationship with your brain and a strong family with yourself. nine0005

What is the right way to treat my wife's previous partners?

The problem is not with her sexual partners, but with your insecurity. In the Caucasus and in many other countries, there is an obsession with marrying a virgin so that a man does not have complexes: she has no one to compare with. It's a self-esteem issue. If you feel complete as a man, you don't care who was before, because now you have been chosen.

How to choose a partner if a person feels that he is neurotic? nine0038

All my life I have loved those who did not show mutual sympathy in return. This is due to the fact that my mother was always unavailable to me and I tried to win her attention. I got over it: I am no longer attracted to people who are not interested in me. The person you love should evoke some association with childhood. Stick to your feelings.

The World Health Organization considers being in love a complete absence of reality - it is a temporary mental disorder. Even if you experience joy, you still perceive the person inadequately: you perceive not him, but your attitude towards him. If you start to act according to the rule “if you don’t like it, goodbye”, you will quickly run out of it. nine0005

How important is equal social status in society for relationships?

Here are some examples. Jean-Jacques Rousseau, as an experiment, married an illiterate peasant woman, she ended up taking part in his murder - such a version existed after his death, most likely this is not true, but characterizes their relationship. Another: Natalia Vodianova was asked if she could marry a locksmith, to which she replied: “Of course! Where would we meet?" I believe that, like Lenin and Krupskaya, common interests play an important role. At the stage of falling in love, there is no difference: a person does not think about what his partner is like and who he works for. Then there is a transition from sympathy to perspective, from childhood to adulthood. nine0005

If both partners are neurotic, is it possible to somehow get along and find a common language?

Millions of people around the world are in neurotic relationships. Many from their very birth lived so badly and hard that they consider them absolutely natural. They do not feel neurotic, on the contrary, they think that all people with shortcomings, quarrel and conflict. Zhora Kryzhovnikov, the author of the films "Bitter", "Bitter-2" and "The Best Day", wrote comedies about psychos, but they live like that. All the characters are sick in the head, but at the same time they have feelings and they are in a relationship. Unfortunately, most people are used to suffering, it seems to them that this is normal. nine0005

Our literature, theatre, cinema and music - our whole culture contributes to this. Prominent representatives are Tolstoy and Dostoevsky. The first one constantly brought his wife up, and did not communicate with the children until their twentieth birthday. On the other hand, he hung out with peasants, engaged in demagogy and absolutely did not correspond to what he writes about. But he fought with himself. The second took jewelry from his wife and lost them in cards. Life is not the way they describe it, although they write brilliantly. The idea of ​​suffering is a Russian trait. Orthodoxy, which cultivates suffering, also plays a huge role. Most people suffer and die without knowing another life, without neuroses and manipulations. I believe that a person deserves to be happy, and can be so. A healthy person always chooses himself, and a neurotic always chooses relationships. This is the difference between them. nine0005

A new theory of emotions - Psychology: challenges of our time

In this article, the author and speaker of the conference "Psychology: challenges of our time" Olga Malinina - a psychologist, psychodramatherapist, art therapist, playback practitioner - will consider classical theories of emotions and present a new one. She met in How Emotions Are Born by Lisa Feldman Barrett. At the conference, Olga will continue her research on this topic in a psychodrama master class: "A New Theory of Emotions: How to Manage Yourself", which will take place on February 28. nine0038

“Surely many of you know about different theories of emotions. If not, then I will remind you:

  • The peripheral theory of James-Lange, where not only emotions are associated with certain physiological reactions, but also bodily manifestations cause emotions: “we are sad because we cry; enraged because we beat another; we are afraid because we are trembling…”.
  • Festinger's theory of cognitive dissonance: when there is a discrepancy between the expected and actual results of an activity (cognitive dissonance), negative emotions arise, while the coincidence of expectation and result (cognitive consonance) leads to the appearance of positive emotions. nine0116
  • Cognitive-physiological theory of emotions by S. Schechter: some event or situation causes excitement and a person needs to evaluate its content, i.e. the situation that caused this excitement. The emergence of emotions is influenced by a person's past experience and his assessment of the current situation in terms of current needs and interests.
  • K. Izard's theory of differential emotions: the main motivational system of human existence is formed by 10 basic emotions: joy, sadness, anger, disgust, contempt, fear, shame/embarrassment, guilt, surprise, interest. nine0116
  • etc.

In addition to Izard, Paul Ekman was engaged in the selection of basic emotions, these were joy, surprise, sadness, anger, disgust, contempt, fear, as well as Plutchik and Kellerman. The latter united emotions in pairs with the opposite sign: fear - anger, joy - sadness, interest - surprise, trust - disgust.

Each of them has its own evidence base and theoretical basis, but usually in practical psychology and psychotherapy, the latter concept is most often used, suggesting that each person has a basic, as it were, built-in set of emotional reactions that have unique motivational functions and imply a specific form of experience . That is, anger is also anger in Africa, and fear and other states from the base ten are experienced by everyone in the same way. They are inherent in all healthy people and are equally manifested in representatives of various cultures living on different continents. nine0005

The classic view of emotions says that our emotions are a product of evolution, which were necessary for survival, and now have become part of our nature. They are universal: people of any age, gender and culture experience joy, sadness, anger and fear in much the same way as you or me, or as our distant ancestors. These are such animal reflexes that often contradict the arguments of reason. The primitive part of our brain wants to tell the boss that he is an idiot, and the other thinking side holds us back and suggests that then we will be fired. nine0005

This approach to emotions suggests that we have a set of emotional circuits in our brains, each causing its own set of changes. The ex-wife turns on your "anger neurons", you get angry, scream, the pressure rises, and your face turns red. The news on TV activates your "fear neurons", your heart beats faster, you feel chills, you feel fear. These states seem to be clearly cognizable, and therefore it is quite reasonable to assume that any emotion has a different basic pattern in the brain and body.

But! There is now a significant amount of research both proving the classical view of emotions and rejecting them. You can experience fear with or without involvement of the amygdala (the region of the brain responsible for fear). You can get angry and your blood pressure will either rise or not. That is, in some situations, the classical concepts are correct, but in some they are not.

Now there is a new view of the nature of emotions - the theory of construction of emotions, which looks at our states in a different way. How do you like these ideas:

  • emotions are not your reactions to the world, they are your constructions;
  • you can control your emotions, as well as your thoughts, memories, beliefs, it's not easy, but possible;
  • emotions are not universal, but differ from culture to culture;
  • Emotions are created by us, the brain interprets incoming signals, turns on the memory of past experiences, constructs meaning and prescribes action.

There is no area in the brain for any emotion with its “imprint”. Emotions arise from the excitation of neurons, but there are no neurons that would be devoted exclusively to emotions. The neural system is built on a one-to-many basis: one region or one brain network contributes to many different mental states. Your concepts are the main tool the brain uses to guess the meaning of sensory inputs. For example, concepts give meaning to changes in sound pressure, and you perceive them as words or music, not as random noise. nine0005

Concepts also give an emotional color to an event. One and the same sensation can be both pleasant and disgusting to the same person, depending on his expectations. If offered pink ice cream, you would probably expect raspberry flavor, but if it happens to taste like fish, you might find it unpleasant or disgusting. If you are told beforehand that it is “chilled salmon mousse”, so the brain is alerted, you may find the same taste pleasant. nine0005

At any time while you are alive, your brain uses concepts to simulate the outside world. Without concepts, you are empirically blind. With the help of concepts, your brain simulates so imperceptibly and automatically that sight, hearing, emotional experiences look more like reflexes than a construction process.

In the new theory of emotion, as to your states, located in a coordinate system where there are two characteristics: arousal and valency. Arousal indicates how calm or excited you feel, and valence indicates how pleasant or unpleasant you are. For example, unpleasant valence and weak excitement: apathy, depression; pleasant valence, weak excitement: calmness, serenity; unpleasant valence and average excitement: sadness, discontent; pleasant valence and medium arousal: contentment, joy, etc. Your states may not have names, but in any society it is customary to give them a designation: you cry, it means sadness, you stamp your feet - it looks like you are angry, etc. In this way, we learn to recognize our manifestations in terms that are understandable to us and to those around us. nine0005

When we feel some state inside ourselves without understanding its cause, we tend to interpret it as objective knowledge about the world, and not about our perception of the world. Researchers in Israel found that judges are more likely to deny prisoners early release before lunch, but after it, such decisions happen more often. These people do not recognize their hunger as a possible reason for their own discontent, which results in a supposedly "objective" consideration of cases. Or here's another study: People are more likely to report their happiness on a sunny day. nine0005

Our emotional experiences seem to us to be real data about the world: if I am angry, then I was offended or insulted, if I am disgusted, then the situation is unacceptable for me, etc. It is difficult for us to imagine that our reactions are primarily based on past experience and on the physiological state of the body. There are people who most often react with aggression at the moment of stress or ambiguity, and there are those who cry. Someone in the moment of danger runs away, and someone freezes. These reactions are based on an individual vision of the situation and are true only for a particular person. Knowing about the new theory of emotions can help us look at our states differently, become aware of them and change them if they seem inadequate. nine0005

How does a new look at emotions help in psychotherapy?

First, it is no longer necessary to tell the client that “Your emotions are innate, there is a basic set that starts to turn on depending on the situation, they are an objective indicator of what is happening to you now.” This is how I usually said: there is a basic set (fear, anger, sadness, joy, disgust, surprise) plus a socially determined one (guilt, shame). Now I say that our reactions are due to the current physical condition and past experiences. Our task is to see the whole range of experiences of the client, which may or may not fit into the usual notation. nine0005

Secondly, it is important to understand yourself and convey to the client that there are no “right” or “wrong” emotions that at some point feel better or worse. We can say that there are two axes: valency and excitation, and our state can be determined from it. All names and concepts of emotions are an agreement between people, any person can fit into these definitions or not, depending on his individual characteristics or a specific situation. The client may indeed not feel anything, and this does not automatically mean that he has alexithymia. nine0005

Thirdly, it is worth conveying to the client that we can manage our states. In the process of therapy, an individual pattern of the client's behavioral pattern becomes visible, which demonstrates his typical reactions to stress. We are working to expand the range of current protections and reduce the impact of destructive or inappropriate behavior. For example, a client is accustomed to turning on the “runaway” reaction to any difficulties: he does not argue with colleagues, but avoids the conversation. We can discuss other possible ways to interact in difficult situations. nine0005

Fourth, our emotional states are often conditioned by past experiences. Our reactions once helped us survive, and their current use is automatic. The brain predicts the future development of the situation and constructs our experience and subsequent action, which may not be appropriate here, not useful and not effective. And then, in the process of therapy, we teach the client to take an “internal pause” to check the adequacy of his condition: “Now I want to be offended, but what will it give me? It may be worth discussing with a partner that I do not like his decision. nine0005

Fifth, our bodily sensations may not be related to our emotional state. They can simply be present with us now, they can not be evaluated and not attributed to them feelings and emotions. Redness of the face, sweaty palms, tension in the abdomen, the desire to yawn, and so on, can only be a reaction to a change in the environment. The room becomes hot or stuffy, you get hungry, you start to get sick, your blood pressure drops, etc. Your anger, disgust or apathy is not necessarily behind this. Sometimes sensations are associated with emotional states, and sometimes they are not. It is important to distinguish between them and not to look for an important psychological phenomenon behind each bodily manifestation. nine0005

Sixth, the development of mindfulness becomes a necessary foundation for the client's mental health. The ability to distinguish and isolate the components of their experiences is an important skill for any person who wants to better understand themselves and others. “I now feel a slight excitement and a slight burning sensation in my stomach, as well as fatigue and anticipation of tomorrow. And then my excitement is related to something that is worth paying attention to, I think? And the stomach, what does it tell me: that it was not necessary to eat dry food? What do I look forward to? Do I enjoy thinking about the upcoming meeting? And isn't it time for bed?" Mindfulness practices, keeping diaries of emotions, meditation, etc. help here. nine0005

Seventh, it is very common for us psychologists, when a client indicates his emotions, to start talking about what they really mean and why they arise, after all, we ourselves were once taught this way. For example, the client says that he is ashamed in front of himself, and the psychologist retells someone's idea about the obligatory publicity of this experience: shame is felt only in front of someone, otherwise it is not shame, but something else. But a person can really feel that way. It is worthwhile not to engage in psi-clearance here, but to find out the details of his condition: why shame arose, how one feels, what one wants to do at this moment, how it is being talked about now, etc. nine0005

These were tips for professionals, but what can you do as part of self-help?

  • try to understand and accept the concept of constructing emotions at first simply as knowledge that interprets our perception in a new way;
  • expand the range of your experiences: I feel a pleasant and frightening excitement at the same time, or now I have peace with a touch of sadness and quiet joy;
  • acquire new concepts about the world: study, travel, people, knowledge, unfamiliar food, etc. nine0116
  • lead a healthy lifestyle: sleep, nutrition, sports. Trite? But it really helps to feel better, including emotionally.
  • create your own concepts of emotions: cuteness, excitement from a new situation, anticipation of ambiguity, self-hatred in the morning, etc.
  • be more aware of yourself: I'm scared now because there is a real danger or the situation vaguely reminds me of a past experience where I was bullied by classmates.

This division will help you not to act in the habitual reactions of past experience. nine0005

Good luck to everyone and see you at the conference at my master class!”

Registration for the conference HERE.

About the speaker

Olga Malinina - psychologist, psychodramatherapist, art therapist, playback practitioner, trainer of the Moscow Institute of Gestalt and Psychodrama (MIGIP), chairman of the org. Committee of the Moscow Psychodramatic Conference.

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