Wife feeling unloved
15 Things to Do if You’re Feeling Unloved in Your Relationship
In This Article
Feeling unloved and unwanted is when you’re denied the most basic human need. We all need to belong and feel loved. Sadly, relationships can shift and you gradually realize you’re simply two people under the same roof. Feeling unloved in a relationship is more common than one might think.
Why do I feel unwanted in my relationship?Are you in the depths of despair and thinking to yourself: “I feel unloved in my relationship”? It’s a terrifying feeling that can dampen your self-esteem and further isolate you. In fact, psychologist Abraham Maslow considered the need for love as one of our core psychological needs.
There are actually many reasons why you could be feeling unloved by your boyfriend. You could have lost your spark or the clash of values might be more apparent. Alternatively, one or both of you might have emotional or attachment issues that lead to you feeling unloved in a relationship.
We tend to learn how to operate in a romantic relationship from our parents and our childhood experiences. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that the way we express emotions and affection is linked to our childhood experiences.
What this means is that one or both of you might have to examine your past to understand how you relate to each other. Moreover, feeling undesired in a relationship could be linked to stress, insecurities and trauma from your past.
What does it mean to feel unloved?Feeling unwanted in a relationship is like living in a bell jar, to take Sylvia Plath’s metaphor. Whilst she was clinically depressed and bipolar, the feeling comes from the same family. Furthermore, it can tip you into depression.
Feeling alone and unloved in marriage can also be triggered by depression as well as jealousy and anxiety. These strong emotions can alienate a partner such that you fall into a vicious circle.
All these are symptoms though that could mean something much deeper is going on.
For example, some people are psychologically unable to love or they are emotionally disconnected. Then you also have the avoidant types who are afraid of intimacy. You could essentially be facing any of these mental issues if you’re feeling unloved in a relationship.
What all this means is that you have to pause and be honest with yourself about how you impact the relationship. Moreover, when you’re feeling unloved in a relationship, you also have to consider your partner’s patterns of behavior and how they impact you mentally and emotionally.
Signs of feeling unwantedFeeling undesired in a relationship is actually very common because all relationships take work. This is especially true once the honeymoon period is over. The chemicals in your brain that trigger those feelings of euphoria have now dissipated and real life stares you in the face.
The signs of feeling unloved in a relationship are varied and depend on each couple’s personality styles.
Some might start ignoring each other or you might realize your sex life has stopped. Perhaps you also feel misunderstood and that everything you say becomes an argument?
When feeling unloved by your boyfriend, it might also seem that he’s not paying enough attention. For example, you might feel abandoned if he doesn’t come with you to a social event. You might also be doing all the ferrying around for your kids without so much as a thank you.
Nothing excuses feeling unloved in a relationship and no one should have to be in that situation. Nevertheless, we’re all human and we all make mistakes. Work or health issues can distract us and we forget that our partners need love and appreciation too.
The good news is that there are things you can do when you’re feeling unloved in a relationship.
15 ways to deal with feeling unlovedWhat to do when you feel unloved in a relationship? You first have to look at yourself and what you need.
Then, of course, it all comes down to communication. This Gottman Institute article goes so far as saying that “if you’re not arguing, you’re not communicating”.
The worst thing you can do is to keep quiet when you’re thinking “I feel unloved in my relationship”. All those negative feelings will fester and proliferate until all you feel is loneliness and contempt.
Instead, choose one or several of these approaches to stop feeling unloved in a relationship.
1. Connect with your feelingsAre you thinking, “My boyfriend makes me feel unwanted?” It’s tempting to react and blame him but first, connect with what those feelings really are. For example, do you feel empty or betrayed? Anxious or overwhelmed?
Understanding your feelings gives you insight as to whether your attachment style or approach is causing you unnecessary suffering.
2. Understand attachment stylesFeeling unloved and unwanted in a relationship can stem from how we learnt to love when we were children.
Once you identify your attachment style, you can change from being anxious to confident about your relationships.
So, learn your style and start working to stop feeling unloved in a relationship.
3. Unpack your beliefsWhy do I feel unloved in my relationship? This is a good question to ask yourself initially because the issue could be embedded in your belief system.
For example, feeling undesirable in a relationship could be because deep down, you believe you’re not lovable. This could come from how your parents treated you or some other past experience. Either way, get to know your beliefs to start changing them.
4. Talk to your partnerFeeling alone and unloved in the marriage isn’t something you can fix on your own. You need to communicate. Once you’ve reviewed yourself, share this with your partner and get their views on the situation.
5. Show appreciationFeeling unloved by your husband could be because you’re not paying enough attention to each other.
We often fall into these loops of bad habits and forget to be kind to each other.
As psychologist Richard Davidson explains in his talk in the following video, we are increasingly victims of distractions and loneliness. He goes on to talk about the four pillars of a healthy mind and how compassion also leads to stop feeling unloved in a relationship.
Related Reading: 8 Ways to Show Appreciation to the Love of Your Life6. State your needs
When you’re feeling unwanted in a relationship, the chances are that your needs aren’t being met. The non-violent communication framework is always a useful tool for stating your needs calmly and assertively.
7. Note toxic behaviorIt’s important to remember that if you’re feeling unwanted, you could also be a victim of toxic behavior.
Toxic people aren’t always easy to spot which is why you might need to turn to support groups or even a therapist. They will help validate your feelings so you can find ways to move on.
Related Reading: How to Stop Being Toxic in a Relationship8. Learn to love yourself
If we want others to love us, we also have to know how to love ourselves. This isn’t easy to do because of our own patterns of unhealthy habits. If you want to improve your well-being and stop feeling unloved in a relationship, start by paying attention.
As this study on feeling loved explains, the more you pay attention to the tiny moments of love within your day, the more you’ll feel loved. Feeling unloved sometimes requires you to look at things another way and to look for those moments of feeling loved.
Related Reading: 5 Steps to Help You With Learning to Love Yourself9. Review your values
Feeling undesirable in a relationship could be due to conflict in values.
Perhaps you value caring but your partner is more concerned about achievement? The more you can communicate about what makes both of you ‘you’, the more you’ll uncover the disconnect.
A great way to deal with the immediacy of feeling unloved is to have a strong self-care routine. Whether yours is more focused on the emotional or physical aspect almost doesn’t matter. Simply find something that works for you to stop feeling unloved in a relationship.
Related Reading: The 5 Pillars of Self-Care11. Allocate date and time
Feeling unloved and unwanted in a relationship sometimes starts when we don’t have time for each other. That’s why couples schedule date nights into their busy diaries. It sounds simple but it’s critical to stop feeling unloved in a relationship to have quality time together.
12. ListenIt’s always worth self-reflecting when you’re feeling unloved by your husband.
Are you also giving him the love and attention he craves? Are you listening to his needs? Again, this is about quality time together and quality communication.
To stop feeling unwanted, you might need to reconnect with why you fell in love in the first place. Did you pay more attention to how you looked and how you behaved? Moreover, what happy memories can you conjure up together?
14. Recognize each other’s love patternsNotice how you both love and how much spend time together. The point is not to focus on you but on your partner. Recognize what your partner expects and what you expect from them in order to meet a
15. Find a therapistIf you’re still thinking “my boyfriend makes me feel unwanted” and you’re not sure about the best approach, find a therapist. They’ll help you work through your feelings and emotional blocks as well as how to find the best way forwards for you and your partner.
The question “why do I feel unloved in my relationship” is actually very common. All relationships take effort and can go off course due to various distractions or mental issues.
What to do when you feel unloved in a relationship starts with reviewing your own feelings, needs and beliefs. Alongside that, you need strong communication with your partner and to recognize where you have gaps. A therapist provides support and guidance to make all this easier.
Although, of course, at some point, you have to determine if the relationship fits your values and view of life. After all, life is about feeling grounded and supported in our relationships.
5 Healthy Ways To Respond When You're Feeling Unloved In Your Marriage
You've always heard that to keep your marriage happy and healthy, you and your spouse must prioritize each other and your marriage. After all, to prioritize is to love.
Therefore, you may cook their favorite meals, sacrifice your career or education goals to support theirs, or defend them against your disapproving parents. You love them to no end.
But no matter how much you do for your spouse, you're feeling unloved and can’t seem to climb their ladder of priorities. Either they are working too much or too late, they are always tired, or they spend more time with the kids than you.
You start to feel unloved, lonely, unappreciated, angry, and resentful. You used to be their priority; will those days ever return again?
While these feelings are difficult to overcome, many relationships struggle with this situation. A common response is some form of withdrawing from that partner and investing more into the relationships with the children. Let’s face it, it is very difficult to treat your spouse as priority with kids involved. It’s even more difficult to continue to treat your spouse as a priority over the kids when, in fact, your spouse is not reciprocating.
MORE: 7 Ways To Have A More Passionate Marriage (Even If The Spark Is Gone)
It’s like your spouse just didn’t get the memo. Why does putting your spouse first only apply to you and not them? And why should you continue to enable your spouse to put you second or third (or even last) when relationships are supposed to be 100/100?
Here are 5 reasons why you should continue to make your spouse a priority—even if they're not returning the favor... yet:
Know that quitters never win.
You may be feeling disgruntled and upset that your spouse isn't making you a priority, but if you desire a healthy and strong marriage—where you both place each other as a priority—then you can’t stop prioritizing your spouse.
Think about it: If neither of you are making each other the priority, how is that really helping you get the marriage you want and deserve?
When you got married, it was about you and your spouse making a commitment to each other.
So instead of withdrawing your love out of revenge or hurt feelings, seek outside help to rebalance your relationship and get your marriage back on track.
Low sex drive lately? This could be the reason:
Stay true to your values.
Prioritizing your spouse is less about what you get from it and more about why you do it. You should prioritize your partner because you have made a commitment to yourself to unconditionally and persistently treat your spouse that way.
Don’t allow his or her shortcomings to change who you are. Don't change your beliefs or actions just because they did.
Perhaps you can coach your partner and help him or her get back on track. You might even seek the help of a professional.
Remember, you're setting an example of what love is.
Kids see everything, and they have a developing intuition. Therefore, they can sense when something is “off” in you and your partner's relationship.
They notice when you are much nicer and spending more time than usual with them. They also notice the more forced conversations and less energy exerted toward the other parent. They internalize these cues you and your spouse are giving off, which implies, “If I’m not happy in my relationship, then I will spend time elsewhere instead of working to make things better.”
But those behaviors don't build a healthy marital foundation. Instead, your children need to see that healthy marriages take work, in order to remain healthy.
MORE: 5 Marriage Secrets From Happily Married (A Long Time!) Couple
Keep your marital issues contained—to avoid affecting your children.
When children know their parents are not high on each other’s list of priorities, a storm of emotions can begin to brew.
Some kids will show signs of anxiety, depression, or academic under-achievement because of the instability of emotions in the home. Others can be a bit more clever and find ways to manipulate parents to get what they want.
Nevertheless, this creates a bigger issue for the relationship as one or both of you begins to focus even more attention on helping your kids than each other—which only further perpetuates the downward spiral of your relationship. At this, point family counseling is highly recommended to readjust the entire family's dynamic, instead of only addressing what was once just an issue between you and your spouse.
Remember, prioritizing isn’t as easy for everyone.
I can’t ever think of a time when someone said, “I know my spouse loves me, appreciates me, respects me, and supports me the way I need, but I still don’t feel like a priority.”
Oftentimes, the relationships are lacking in one or more of those areas.
Prioritizing is a hard concept in marriages because it involves multiple aspects of connecting with your partner. Your spouse may do well in some areas and not so well in others.
It can take quite a bit of self-discipline, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence to really prioritize each other. Set smaller expectations and goals for your spouse to work toward prioritizing you. It may not be as easy or come as naturally to them, as it does for you. But the good news is, it's something they can work at with a little guidance and support from you.
All people come to a relationship with a specific way of understanding their role as a spouse and how relationships should work. It’s easy to say, “I love you," “I’ll do anything for you," or “I just want to make you happy."
But to actually show your partner this can be challenging. And when the both of you have different ideas about what it means to be an active member in a loving relationship and you begin to feel less prioritized, it’s very difficult to stick with it.
MORE: The Top 10 Secrets Of Those Highly Successful Couples We All Envy
However, instead of sacrificing who you genuinely are at the expense of the relationship and the kids’ emotional development, accept that what you are doing is the healthy way to be married—and don't give up. Your relationship can improve, and your spouse can learn to prioritize you, as well.
And if you need extra help, reach out to a professional for assistance in getting back the marriage you deserve.
Dr. Eric Williams is a counselor and marriage and family therapist who helps determined individuals and couples overcome the hurdles standing in the way of their marital bliss. Contact him today, and he'll "walk alongside" you and your partner as he empathetically helps you along your path to healing and happiness.
The article "5 Healthy Ways To Respond When You're Feeling Unloved In Your Marriage" originally appeared on YourTango.
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Feeling unloved? - 6 reasons why and 10 ways to fix it / My life
Do you feel unloved and unwanted all the time? Here are 6 reasons to understand why you feel this way and 10 easy ways to fix it forever. Loving someone is a two-way street, which means that being unloved is not the fault of one person.
When you talk about love, it is a feeling that is expressed and acknowledged. For this to happen, someone has to express it and someone has to receive it.
In terms of feelings of dislike, most people will assume that it is because no one is giving them love. Sometimes this is true, while other times it's safe to say that you may feel unloved because you don't see the love around you.
Why do you feel unloved
To find out if you really are unloved, let's first look at why you think so. First of all, ask yourself these questions so you can see where this sense of loss is coming from.
No. 1 do Do you feel unloved by a specific person? Passion, date, family member, friend.
# 2 Or do you feel like absolutely no one loves you? You feel like you don't have anyone at all.
#3 Do you feel unloved because you are being ignored? People are busy, insensitive or distracted.
#4 Or do you feel unloved because the people around you don't understand you? It's hard for you to explain what you're going through.
# 5 Do you feel unloved because you think you are unloved? Insecurity, self-doubt, body shame.
#6 Or do you feel unloved because you don't see that you are worthy of love? Failing to see that love still exists and that you just have to open your eyes to see it.
If you answered yes to questions 1, 3 and 5, you are the problem. If you answered yes to questions 2, 4, or 6, it may be time to talk to someone about it, such as your partner, family, or even friends.
Feeling unloved because you are not getting what you expected, this is a normal reaction, but not something you should take to heart.
Some people don't understand why they think this way, but they know it's because they don't get the love they think they deserve..
Feeling unloved because you see the world as a place without love, on the other hand, more seriously. If someone thinks that there is no hope of finding love where he stands, perhaps this can lead to dire consequences, both physical and emotional.
How people show love
Before you decide that you are really unloved, let's first look at how people show love. Maybe you will see that someone really loves you, but you were a little distracted by the conflict you felt inside of you.
If you truly believe that none of the ways people show love apply to you, there is always a way to change that, and we are here to help.
# 1 When they do small things. Small things, when viewed in perspective, can be really huge gestures of love. When someone cooks your meal or gives you the other half of a sandwich, you can call it a gesture that is not made out of love, but probably because you are loved.
# 2 When they give you a little or more of their time. Time is indeed a very valuable commodity. You might think that someone else can give more than enough, but putting it aside just for you is already a big problem. Appreciate it and learn how to accept that sometimes love is all you can leave aside from affection.
# 3 When they listen. When a person listens to you, it means that he is interested in what you have to say. Whatever it is, that kind of attention is important because when no one is listening, your cries for help will never be heard. An open mind and a shoulder to cry on can make up for a love that isn't felt.
# 4 When they try to help. Some people think that people who try to help can make things worse - for example, those who tell you to look on the bright side and see the silver lining. Minimizing the importance of your feelings is one of the biggest mistakes people make. While some don't understand exactly what you're going through, their willingness to help is proof enough that they're showing love - if they're not actually listening.
# 5 When they are present or trying to be available when you need them most. Being there is already an act of love for you. They may be somewhere else, but something draws them back to you, especially when they feel you need to be rescued. It may be pity, guilt, or even shame that drives people to be there, but in the end, it all comes back to how much they care about you.
What can you do to stop feeling unloved
If you feel like no one loves you, or if you can't decide to appreciate the people who do, you need to do something about it very soon. This may seem like a minor complaint to some, but feeling unloved is quite serious, especially if it manifests itself in ways that can hurt you emotionally. So, here's what you can do to nip it in the bud.
#1 Start doing things for yourself. Stop doing things to make people love you. Do it because you want to give love. After that, it's only a matter of time before he returns ten times over.
# 2 Eat well, exercise and meditate. Focus on doing what makes you healthy. Loving your body is the first step. The next will be the love of your mind.
# 3 Give without expecting anything in return. When you start giving without asking for anything in return, you will see a huge change in how you feel. You will become happier and more attuned to yourself and, finally, you will see how being unloved pales in comparison with the bearer of love.
# 4 Show rating. Appreciate the little things that come your way, whether it's the smile of a stranger or a helping hand at the grocery store. People do good things all the time. You just have to appreciate it when it happens.
# 5 Don't try to hurt at any cost. The more you offend people, the less love you will get. This contributes a lot to why people feel unloved. They don't realize that although they demand love, they are also holding others back from the happiness that those people deserve.
# 6 Do not ask, do not demand or force to be loved. Ask. Forcibly taking love is never an option. When you do this, you make people love you. It's not like that at all. Love is given freely and must not be taken away for acceptance.
# 7 Don't look for love in the wrong places or from the wrong people. One of the main reasons people don't find love is because they keep insisting on love that isn't there. This can be with abusive partners, estranged family members, or even friends who have moved on.
# 8 Look at those who love you unconditionally. There are other ways to find love, and it's not just with people close to you. There are many people who show love to their neighbor without needing a reason. You just have to open yourself to them. If you don't see it, there is always a higher power to reach out to.
#9 Don't reject those who love you. Stop pushing people away. Feeling unloved makes us feel despair, which then blinds us to those who are willing to show us love.
Just stop for a minute and really look at the people who are there for you.
# 10 Look for people who love, are in love and spread love. If you haven't found love yet, you can still find it where it is. This alone is enough motivation to keep yourself open to possibilities. Look at a happy couple, a child playing with their dog, or a pride parade. Love everywhere. Remember that.
Feeling unloved is one of the worst feelings you can experience. Before you forget what love is, always remember that it is everywhere. And if you still can't find it, just try to follow our advice and you will quickly find love where you least expect it, within yourself.
Loneliness together: why we are unhappy in relationships
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LonelinessRelationship crisis Man and woman
Loneliness is a painful feeling. When I work with a client who is struggling with addiction and ask him to look inside himself to understand what feelings he is trying to drown out with food or alcohol, I often hear the same answer: loneliness.
You may think that this feeling is experienced mainly by those who live alone and do not have a family, but this is not so. It is in partnerships that many feel abandoned, isolated. After all, relationships do not always relieve loneliness, on the contrary, they sometimes cause it.
We feel deeply lonely when we want to feel soul contact with someone, but this someone is not available to us, does not want or cannot open up to us. This feeling is certainly present when we are alone, but often it occurs in relationships when one or both partners have lost touch with each other - due to the fact that one of them is angry or withdrawn, sick or very tired. .
Having lost contact with ourselves, we cannot connect with others
Being alone and being alone are not the same thing. The feeling of emptiness occurs when we are out of touch with ourselves—when we are unable to listen to our feelings, judge ourselves, turn to all sorts of addictions to get rid of painful sensations, or hold someone else responsible for our feelings.
We will always feel lonely and abandoned when we give up on ourselves.
Moreover, having lost contact with ourselves, we cannot connect with others. And these broken ties become a source of deep despair and disappointment. A person who lives alone, but at the same time loves and appreciates himself, may not feel this painful emptiness. He is able to enjoy his solitude and keep in touch with others when they are ready to make contact.
What makes us lonely in a relationship?
You may feel lonely with a partner if
...your heart is closed because you protect yourself from resentment, anger or possible rejection. You cannot be in contact with a partner when closed.
...the partner is closed, angry or self-absorbed.
...a partner deliberately blocks communication with you, hiding behind work, TV, alcohol, hobbies, the Internet, and so on.
...you adapt to your partner, trying to control his feelings in this way. Giving up yourself for the sake of manipulation interferes with the creation of a genuine soul connection.
...both of you or one of you doesn't want to see the brewing conflict. The reluctance to speak openly on sensitive topics creates barriers between you.
Isolation disappears when we are open and open with each other
...you or your partner uses sexual relations as a form of control.
...you go over relationships in your head instead of discussing them together with open hearts. Speculative analysis can be attractive at times, but after a while you feel bored and empty.
...a partner criticizes your thoughts, feelings, attitudes, or actions. Judgment and criticism divide people.
...you or your partner are too tired, overwhelmed or unwell to keep in touch.
In a word, everything that separates us from ourselves and our partner causes a feeling of loneliness. Conversely, isolation disappears when we are frank and openly contact each other.
We feel connected to each other when
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..we are not afraid to be ourselves, vulnerable and say what we think without guilt or fear of judgment.
...ready to face unpleasant experiences, deal with them nurturingly, and learn from them—to take responsibility for all our feelings, rather than avoid them with various defenses. When we are in touch with ourselves, we can build connections with others, we are ready to learn something new about ourselves and our partner, especially in conflicts.
...we show care and compassion for ourselves and our partner.
... finding time to be together, talk, play, love, laugh, learn and grow. We are interested in personal growth and development of our relationships.
When sharing time, developing the ability to love yourself and share love with each other, becomes a priority for both partners, you have a great chance of staying in genuine contact with yourself and with each other. In such relationships, people rarely feel alone.
About the author
Margaret Paul is a family psychologist, co-author of What's Stopping You from Being Happy (with Jordan Paul, Centerpoligraph, 2009).
