Why do jokes

175 Bad Jokes That You Can’t Help But Laugh At

Some bad jokes only deserve eye rolls and groans. But somehow, these manage to still be funny.

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Bad jokes that are actually pretty good

Ah, bad jokes. They’re little guilty pleasures we indulge in with giddy enthusiasm every chance we get. They make us groan, say “Are you serious?”, and, of course, make us chuckle. Bad jokes can be short, corny, punny, and deliver some of the best one-liners ever. What’s not to love?

If you’re a sucker for a good bad joke, you’re in luck. Below, you’ll find a list of our funniest jokes that just so happen to pack groan-worthy punchlines. Enjoy!

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Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrupting c–

MOO!

We had to start off this collection of bad jokes with one of the oldest knock-knock jokes in the book.

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If you’re American when you go in the bathroom…

… and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?

European. Check out these daily life cartoons that will crack you up.

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What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam.

Sometimes the best bad jokes are the shortest. Check out these short jokes for kids anyone can memorize.

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What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?

…

Get it? Bad jokes don’t even need a punch line to be funny! Check out the funniest jokes on the internet.

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Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta-way. These hilarious animal cartoons prove that animals are funnier than humans.

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Two muffins were sitting in an oven.

One turned to the other and said, “Wow, it’s pretty hot in here.” The other one shouted, “Wow, a talking muffin!” For more laughs, check out these travel cartoons that find the funny in everything.

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I sold my vacuum the other day.

All it was doing was collecting dust. If this one has you smirking, these dad jokes will really give you a chuckle.

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What is Forrest Gump’s email password?

1forrest1.

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Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?

He won the “no-bell” prize.

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Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?

10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.

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What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum?

They’re both purple except for the rabbit. This joke made be bad, but these other “what’s the difference between” jokes are hilarious!

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Two windmills are standing on a wind farm.

One asks, “What’s your favorite type of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.” Here are some funny one-liners that are sure to get some laughs.

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I like elephants.

Everything else is irrelephant. Read more elephant jokes that are a ton of laughs!

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What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

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Two guys walk into a bar.

The third guy ducks.

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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta. If you thought this was funny, you’ll love these other hilarious what do you call jokes.

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Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?

For drizzle. Here are more awful but funny dad jokes.

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Did you hear the story about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed some space.

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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An in-vest-igator.

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What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality. Thought that was good? You’ll love these tea puns!

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A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.

After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.

“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out.

The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

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The wedding was so beautiful.

Even the cake was in tiers.

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Why don’t dinosaurs talk?

Because they’re dead. Don’t forget to check out these dinosaur jokes for more laughs!

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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Get it?

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What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

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What did the mime say to his audience?

Nothing. He held his character because he’s a professional.

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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

“Supplies!”

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It’s inappropriate to make a “dad joke” if you are not a dad.

It’s a faux pa.

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What did the buffalo say when his son left?

Bison!

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My new thesaurus is terrible.

Not only that, but it’s also terrible.

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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?

Bob.

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What do you call a psychic little person who has escaped from prison?

A small medium at large.

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What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

“Oops!” If biology is more your thing, check out these biology jokes that really cell themselves.

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Three fish are in a tank.

One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”

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What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?

A polar bear.

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What do you call a man who can’t stand?

Neil.

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I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…

… but then I turned myself around.

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Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece. Now that’s a dad joke if we ever heard one. Here are more groan-worthy dad jokes you’ll still laugh at.

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I don’t trust stairs.

They’re always up to something.

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Wife: “How do I look?”

Husband: “With your eyes.”

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What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

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Have you heard the rumor about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.

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Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honey combs.

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I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

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RIP, boiled water.

You will be mist.

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What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?

Phillipe Floppe.

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eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

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Wanna hear two short jokes and a long joke?

Joke, joke, jooooooooooooooke. We can all relate to these funny working from home cartoons right now.

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I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

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What do you do if you see a fireman?

Put it out, man!

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That’s a pretty good ceiling.

It’s not the best, but it’s up there!

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I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Actually, it’s more of a wrap.

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What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

Thunderwear. You won’t want to miss these 20 hilarious science jokes.

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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It’s ok, he woke up.

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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

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Why do you never see pigs hiding in trees?

Because they’re pretty good at it.

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You want to go down to the bar to hear that band called Duvet?

They’re a cover band.

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What do you call a crocodile that is also a detective?

An investi-gator.

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The only thing flat earthers have to fear...

…is sphere itself.

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Name one fragrance commercial that has ever made sense.

What are you talking about, they all make scents!

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Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the Ark Hives.

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Where does the sheep go to get a haircut?

The baa baa shop.

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What genre are national anthems?

Country.

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I hate Russian dolls.

They’re so full of themselves.

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A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter.

“That’s one too many!” says the customer. The clerk replies “It’s a freebie.”

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I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

You might not believe me, but I saw it with my own eyes.

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Did you adopt your dog?

No, he’s my biological dog. Check out these other dog jokes that are pawsitively hilarious.

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I bought the newlyweds an elephant for their room.

They said, “Thank you.” I said, “Don’t mention it.”

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A limbo champ walks into a bar.

He loses.

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When the moon hits your knees, and you mispronounce trees

Sycamore

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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.

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What’s the leading cause of dry skin?

Towels.

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What did the frustrated cat say?

Are you kitten me right meow? Cat hiss ridiculous.

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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent.

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The COVID-19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that social distancing measures could push people over the edge. I bet they are excited about flattening the curve, though.

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I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning.

It’s a girl and weighs 7 pounds, 12 ounces. Not to throw more numbers at you, but we have 50 jokes here for all 50 states.

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Why are there so many different kinds of pasta?

If I had a penne for every time I asked myself this question.

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What did The Rock say when the waiter offered him a box for his leftovers?

I’m not much of a boxer, but I’ll wrestle you for it.

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Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident?

To the I.C.U.

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Nurse: Blood type?

Dad: Red. By the way, you’ll love these nurse jokes that are RN-believably funny.

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A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, “19! 19! 19! 19!” Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence.

Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting, “20! 20! 20!” Here are the best jokes from A-Z!

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I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married.

The ceremony wasn’t great, but the reception was amazing.

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What do you call a magician who lost their magic?

Ian.

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Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.

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What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A do-you-think-he-saurus.

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I had a chip implanted in my body.

It was a Cool Ranch Dorito. Yum!

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Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands. We love this joke because it never grows old.

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To kill a French vampire, you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

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What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises! When do we want them?

NNNNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!

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A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

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Today I gave my dead batteries away.

They were free of charge.

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Why do ghosts love elevators?

It lifts their spirits.

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Five guys walk into a bar.

You think one of them would’ve seen it.

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Who are caterpillars’ biggest enemies?

Dogerpillars.

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Why do you tell actors to break a leg?

Every play has a cast.

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What do you call an empty can of Cheese Whiz?

Cheese Was.

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Someone stole my mood ring.

I don’t know how I feel about that.

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What kind of dogs love car racing?

Lap dogs.

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Library patron: Do you sell any books on paranoia?

Librarian: They’re right behind you! If you’re more of a movie buff than reader, we’ve got the 15 funniest Oscar jokes for you right here.

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My favorite word is “drool.”

It just rolls off the tongue.

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I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Do not read it.

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What do you call birds who stick together?

Vel-crows.

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I was sitting in traffic the other day.

Probably why I got run over.

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I’m terrified of elevators...

…so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them. You can also try asking Siri for a joke if you need one in a pinch. We rated virtual assistants’ senses of humor!

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Where do spaghetti and sauce go to dance?

The meatball.

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What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk. If you thought this was funny, you’ll love our other cow jokes!

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This library has two stories.

Can hardly call it a library.

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I like to spend every day as if it’s my last.

Staying in bed and calling for a nurse to bring me more pudding.

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How does your feline shop?

By reading a catalog.

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What do you call a factory that sells passable products?

Satisfactory.

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What do you call a dangerous sun shower?

A rain of terror.

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What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes?

Corny.

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What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield?

Its butt. Oop! Try these political jokes on for size at your next family holiday—they’re guaranteed to get you a laugh.

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What happens when a frog’s car breaks down?

It gets toad.

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I went on a once-in-a-lifetime vacation.

Never again.

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Parallel lines have so much in common.

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

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What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

“Robin, get in the car.”

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I threw a boomerang a few years ago.

I now live in constant fear. Think you’re funnier than the president? We bet you are. Here are the funniest jokes told by 23 U.S. presidents.

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Why did the chicken marry the crocodile?

Because crocodooladoo is a good family name. Here are more of the funniest “why did the chicken cross the road?” jokes for you to memorize.

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I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish.

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My friend gave me his Epi–Pen as he was dying.

It seemed very important to him that I have it. Read these best friend tweets for more laughs.

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Have you heard of Murphy’s Law? Ok, but have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly-sliced cabbage.

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Did you know Jesus drove a Honda but just didn’t talk about it?

John 12:49: “For I did not speak of my own accord.”

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How do you talk to Italian ghosts?

With a Luigi board.

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Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana. Don’t forget to bookmark these fruit puns that are berry funny!

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Two cows are grazing in a field. One says to the other, “You ever worry about that mad cow disease?”

The other cow says, “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter.”

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What’s E.T. short for?

He’s only got little legs. Science lovers will science-love these physics jokes!

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Two men meet on opposites sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me to get to the other side!”

The other guy shouts, “You are on the other side!”

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What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

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What came first, the chicken or the egg?

Safety. Safety always comes first. In the case of these hilarious egg puns, the egg always comes first.

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This is your captain speaking.

AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

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How do you get a squirrel to like you?

Act like a nut. Here are 15 witty bar jokes anyone can remember, for the next time you wanna go a little nuts yourself.

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Coroner died.

Still went to work. If you thought that was funny, you’ll love these work from home jokes.

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Which rock group has four guys who can’t sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore.

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I bought a dog from a locksmith.

The second I got him in the house he made a bolt for the door.

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What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

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My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

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What do you call bears with no ears?

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What’s a foot long and slippery?

A slipper.

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What did the swordfish say to the marlin?

You’re lookin’ sharp.

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What kind of ghost has the best hearing?

The eeriest. If you laugh at these dark jokes, you’re probably a genius.

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Where can you buy soup in bulk?

The stock market.

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How do you stop a bull from charging?

Cancel its credit card.

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What was the frog’s job at the hotel?

Bellhop.

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Why are the Irish so wealthy?

Their capital is Dublin.

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What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?

A receding hare line.

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What kind of shoes do robbers wear?

Sneakers.

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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn’t see himself doing it.

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Why are frogs so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them.

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What do you call banana peel shoes?

Slippers.

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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?

There was nothing left but de Brie. Cheese is classic joke fodder. Here are 17 classic light bulb jokes that’ll make you sound smart.

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Why were they called the Dark Ages?

There were lots of knights. If you have more of a twisted sense of humor, these dark jokes are for you.

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My boss just texted me,

“Send me one of your funny jokes!”

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Want to hear a roof joke?

This one’s on the house.

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What kind of pants does Mario wear?

Denim, denim, denim.

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Where does the general keep his armies?

In his sleevies. This joke is very cuties. Here are 9 secrets to telling a great joke, according to comedians.

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How does the squid go into battle?

Well-armed.

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I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand, I’m ok.

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Do you use your right hand to stir your coffee?

I use a spoon. Check out these relatable tweets for more laughs.

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You’re not completely useless.

You can always serve as a bad example. By the way, we’re serving up these ice cream puns just for you—check them out!

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What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name. Here are 15 simple (and silly) April Fool’s jokes to play on your kids.

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What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

Submit your best joke here and get $25 if Reader’s Digest runs it.

Sources:

Buzzfeed, “21 Clean Jokes That Are So Dumb They’re Actually Funny”
Buzzfeed, “21 Dad Jokes So Ridiculous, I’m Almost Mad At Myself For Laughing”
Buzzfeed, “18 Punny Jokes That Have No Right To Be As Hilarious As They Are”
Buzzfeed, “100 Dad Jokes You’re Going To Hate Laughing At So Hard”
Buzzfeed, “If You’re Tired Of The Same Old Dad Jokes, Here Are 19 Very Funny New Ones”
Buzzfeed, “23 Dad Jokes That Are So Bad They’re Good”
Buzzfeed, “Sorry, But There’s No Way You Won’t At Least Smile At Any Of These Dad Jokes”
Buzzfeed, “25 Jokes And Puns From National Tell A Joke Day That Might Make You Roll Your Eyes”
Buzzfeed, “13 Absolutely Hilarious Jokes Told In Movies”
Buzzfeed, “Every Weird And Awkward Person Will Find These 17 Tweets Hilarious For No Particular Reason”
Buzzfeed, “Reddit Is Sharing Their Best Jokes, Here Are 17 Really Funny Ones”
Buzzfeed, “17 Dad Jokes That Made Me Groan, Roll My Eyes, And Then Repeat To My Friends”
Buzzfeed, “18 Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Even If You’re Having A Bad Day”
Buzzfeed, “27 Clean Jokes To Tell Your Kids That Are Actually Funny”
Buzzfeed, “19 Twitter Jokes That Are Just Very, Very Funny”
Buzzfeed, “We All Love Dad Jokes — But How Many Of The Punchlines Do You Actually Know?”
Best Life, “150 Jokes That Are So Bad They’re Actually Funny”
Bored Panda, “52 Of The Funniest Two-Line Jokes Ever”
Reddit, “What’s a short, clean joke that gets a laugh every time?”
Best Life, “40 Hilarious Jokes No One Is Too Old to Laugh At”
Parade, “Ha Ha Ha—101 Corny Jokes That Are So Bad They’re Actually Funny Good”
Fatherly, “55 Great Clean Jokes for Funny People Who Don’t Swear”

Originally Published: January 19, 2022

100s of the Very Best Dad Jokes

Stolen Calendar

Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each. —Submitted by Alex Del Bene

No One Thinks You’re Funny

What I remember most about my dad’s jokes is my mother’s reaction. While everyone else was howling at one of his punch lines, my mom would always respond, “Bernard, no one thinks you’re funny.” —Nedra Cawley

What I remember most about my dad’s jokes is my mother’s reaction. While everyone else was howling at one of his punch lines, my mom would always respond, “Bernard, no...

Legs on the Table

My dad used to sing little ditties. This was my favorite: There was a young lady named Mabel. She danced on the dining room table. Her face grew red, When the gentleman said ... “Look at the legs on that table!” —Clo Dodge

My dad used to sing little ditties. This was my favorite: There was a young lady named Mabel. She danced on the dining room table. Her face grew red, When. ..

It Left Its Tracks

Here's my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. And each time, I’d tell my 12-year-old daughter, “A train just went by. Know how I can tell? It left its tracks.” I got a moan the first couple of Sundays. After a while, every time we’d pull up to the crossing, all I had to do was look in the rearview mirror and she would smile. My daughter is now a college graduate and lives out of state, but every time I cross those tracks, I think of her. —Mike Vanloo

Here’s my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. And each time, I’d...

Screw My Cap On

If it was a blustery day, you could be sure to hear my dad remark, “It was so windy today, I had to wrinkle my forehead and screw my cap on to keep it there!” —JoAnn Evjen

If it was a blustery day, you could be sure to hear my dad remark, “It was so windy today, I had to wrinkle my forehead and screw my cap. ..

Cheer For the Other Team

My dad was not a jokester, but his fun side did come out once in a while. When I was 12, he took me to a Chicago White Sox game with a group from a local tavern. The game between the Sox and the Indians was in the ninth inning, with the Sox ahead by a run. I was having so much fun, I said, “I hope the Indians tie the game in the ninth.” The die-hard Sox fans we were with were horrified, but not Dad. He started cheering for the Indians to score, even as the men yelled, “Cut it out; you’re a Sox fan!” The Sox ended up winning, everyone was happy, and my dad and I laughed all the way home. I miss him tremendously. —Rick Brueckmann

My dad was not a jokester, but his fun side did come out once in a while. When I was 12, he took me to a Chicago White Sox game...

The Same Jokes

My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh. At his funeral, the preacher said, “In his lifetime, this man told thousands of jokes, but they were always the same one. ” —M. T., via e-mail

My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh. At his funeral, the preacher said, “In his...

Easter Bunny

If my father was in a doctor’s waiting room and saw another old-timer looking dejected, he’d shuffle up and tell him, “A rabbit goes to the dentist, and the dentist says, ‘I need to pull a tooth, but I’ll give you Novocain.’ The rabbit answered, ‘Uh-uh! Not me, Doc. I’m an ether bunny.’” —Lisa Ann Turay

If my father was in a doctor’s waiting room and saw another old-timer looking dejected, he’d shuffle up and tell him, “A rabbit goes to the dentist, and the dentist...

Turning the Lights Green

My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box. “What’s this for?” I asked. “It’s to turn red lights green,” he replied. As we reached a red light, he pointed to the box. “Try it.” I hit the switch, and it worked—the light turned green! Only much later did I find out that it was his garage-door opener. —Heidi Berg

My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box. “What’s this for?” I asked. “It’s to turn red...

Carrying Grain

When I was in high school in the ’70s, Dad said he’d just heard my favorite group on the radio, Carrying Grain. The band was Hall & Oates, and this gag perfectly sums up my father’s sense of humor. —Matt Rizzo

When I was in high school in the ’70s, Dad said he’d just heard my favorite group on the radio, Carrying Grain. The band was Hall & Oates, and this...

Or What?

My mother was hard of hearing and wore a hearing aid that she removed at bedtime. My dad would wait till she had put it on her nightstand and say, “Do you want to go to sleep or what?” Not being able to hear, she would inevitably respond with “What?” And that, my dad joked to me on numerous occasions, is the explanation for why I come from a very large family. —Mimi Wright

My mother was hard of hearing and wore a hearing aid that she removed at bedtime. My dad would wait till she had put it on her nightstand and say,...

Counted Their Legs

As my sister and I were counting the cows in a pasture, Dad glanced over at the herd and said, “There are 127.” “How’d you know?” we asked. He replied, “I counted their legs and divided by four.” Decades later, my kids give me the same look I gave my dad every time I pull that same gag. —George Brown

As my sister and I were counting the cows in a pasture, Dad glanced over at the herd and said, “There are 127.” “How’d you know?” we asked. He replied,...

These Will Fit!

When my Dad got out of the Army, a friend gave him a job as a “diesel fitter” at his ladies’ undergarments factory. On Dad’s first day, the friend took him to the production line where he would be working. The friend explained that as a diesel fitter, my dad’s responsibility would be to pick up each garment as it came off the line, look it over, and then hold it up and announce, “Yep, deez’ll fit ’er!” At least, that’s the story my dad told a thousand times. —Marybeth Martens Cobble

When my Dad got out of the Army, a friend gave him a job as a “diesel fitter” at his ladies’ undergarments factory. On Dad’s first day, the friend took...

Oh No, Peanut Butter

My Dad's favorite joke is indelible: Joe is a new man on a construction crew. The first day on the job, he opens his lunch box and mumbles, “Oh no, peanut butter!” The next day, “Peanut butter again!” This goes on for days, until another worker says, “Why don’t you ask your wife to make a different lunch?” Joe replies, “I’m not married. I make my own lunch.” Whether or not anyone else laughed, Dad certainly did. —Ronald D. Stieglitz

My Dad’s favorite joke is indelible: Joe is a new man on a construction crew. The first day on the job, he opens his lunch box and mumbles, “Oh no,...

The Phone is For You

One night, the phone rang, and Dad answered it. On the other end was an obscene phone caller. Dad listened for a few seconds before telling my mother, “It’s for you,” and handing her the phone. —Tonya Brantley

One night, the phone rang, and Dad answered it. On the other end was an obscene phone caller. Dad listened for a few seconds before telling my mother, “It’s for...

Are You Dunn?

I grew up hearing my dad tell a joke about a Mrs. Dunn, whose son, Timmy Dunn, had left Ireland for America, never to be heard from again. She discovered that Mike O’Malley was leaving for America and asked Mike to look for Timmy and tell him to write to her. Well, Mike looked for Tim everywhere he went, asking many a man whether he was Timmy Dunn, but to no avail. Then one day in a men’s room, a man walked out of a stall. Mike asked him, “Are you Dunn?” The gentleman said, “Yes.” Mike replied, “Well, why don’t you write to your mother?!” When my 12-year-old brother heard Dad tell the joke for the hundredth time, all of sudden, he started laughing. “I finally got it!” —Susan Wall

I grew up hearing my dad tell a joke about a Mrs. Dunn, whose son, Timmy Dunn, had left Ireland for America, never to be heard from again. She discovered...

Seedless Watermelon

Every year—every single year!— when we’re getting the garden ready, I can be sure Dad will say, “I’d like to grow seedless watermelon, but I can’t find the seeds!” —Christopher Fishbein

Every year—every single year!— when we’re getting the garden ready, I can be sure Dad will say, “I’d like to grow seedless watermelon, but I can’t find the seeds!” —Christopher...

Pup Out of Gas

When I was 12, my father told me a terrible story that had happened at the gas station that day. “I was pumping gas when I noticed this small dog licking up a puddle of gasoline off the ground,” he said. “All of a sudden, the poor thing started running around the car as fast as he could. He kept running and running until he finally just dropped to the ground right in front of me.” I gasped, “Oh no. Was he dead?” Dad shook his head. “No, he just ran out of gas.” Dad was quite pleased with himself over that one. —Bill Woodman

When I was 12, my father told me a terrible story that had happened at the gas station that day. “I was pumping gas when I noticed this small dog...

Virus or Something Else

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis. —Crystal Lowery

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly...

The Worst Thesaurus

Ed: I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Fred: How bad is it? Ed: Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

Behind at Work

A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work!

Measure Millennials

Q: How do you weigh a millennial? A: In Instagrams.

Which is Lighter

Q: What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane? A: The water. Butane is lighter fluid.

Lazy Shoes

Q: What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear? A: Loafers.

Didn’t See You, Officer

A guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, "You're speeding! Didn't you see the speed limit sign?" The man replied, "Yeah I saw the speed limit sign, but I didn't see you."

A guy gets pulled over by a cop. The cop asks, “You’re speeding! Didn’t you see the speed limit sign?” The man replied, “Yeah I saw the speed limit sign,...

New Noses

The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?” “They have a place that manufactures them,” I answered. “It’s called the ‘olfactory.’”

The topic of conversation was nose jobs. My slightly confused young daughter asked, “Where does the doctor get the new noses to replace the old ones?” “They have a place...

No Inspiration

Q: What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration? A: She draws a blank.

Close, But No Cigar

I went to a smoke shop to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store. Clothes, but no cigar.

No Laughs in the Future

I was gonna tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.

Run the Reds

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light. “Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next light. Just when it turns green, the driver slams on the brakes. The confused passenger asks, “You just ran two red lights; why’d you stop at a green?”

“I had to,” says the driver. “My brother might have been coming.”

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light. “Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!” “Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the...

American in the Kitchen

Q: If you're an American in the kitchen, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

A: European!

Q: If you're an American in the kitchen, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

A: European!

State Convos

"What did Mississippi let Delaware?" "I don't know, but Alaska!

Invisible Bike

The new draftee refused to march with his squad. Instead, he rode his invisible motorcycle beside them while making motorcycle noises. After a few weeks of this and several psychiatric exams, he was given a discharge. He rode his Hog to the main gate, propped it up on its invisible stand and walked out. "Hey," called the gate guard. "You forgot your bike."

"No," replied the draftee, "I'm leaving it for the next guy who wants to get out."

The new draftee refused to march with his squad. Instead, he rode his invisible motorcycle beside them while making motorcycle noises. After a few weeks of this and several psychiatric...

What’s the Buzz

“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.” “Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”

Forgetful Dad

My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

Award-winning

Q. Why did the scarecrow win an award? A. Because he was outstanding in his field.

Cheesy

Q. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? A. There was nothing left but de Brie.

I do

Q. Our wedding was so beautiful ... A. Even the cake was in tiers.

Fall meets winter

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A. Frostbite

Lunch food

Q. I hate jokes about German sausages. A. They're the wurst.

Shoe time

Q. Dad, can you put my shoes on? A. I don't think they'll fit me.

Swimming

Q. Is this pool safe for diving? A. It deep ends.

Changing of the seasons

Q. Can February March? A. No, but April May

Ahoy!

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.

History lessons

Q. I'm reading a book on the history of glue. A. I just can't seem to put it down.

Behind bars

Q. If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called? A. CELLphies

Ocean Waving

Q. What did the ocean say to the sailboat? A. Nothing, it just waved.

Cat Flames

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Smart Shovel

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Don’t Buy Velcro

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off.

Grapes Make Wine

What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.

Sleepy Bicycle

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.

Not Your Cheese

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

Construction Work Ahead

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

Useless Elephant

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant

Call me Dad

I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

Lonely Skeletons

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

Scarecrow Award

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Misfit Shoes

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad Haircut

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.

Igloo House

How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.

Coffee Crime

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

Beaver Dam

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Paper Cut

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.

Apple Tree

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Imposter Food

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

Moon Dining

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Cheese fire

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

Seeing Purple

I've just been diagnosed as color blind. I know, it really came out of the purple.

Restaurant review

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Just the wurst

I hate jokes about German sausage. They're the wurst.

I quit!

Why did the can-crusher quit his job? Because it was soda-pressing.

So Sleepy

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was too tired.

Make me laugh: why do we joke and can it be learned

Life is easier with a sense of humor. A good joke helps to defuse the situation, establish contact with a difficult interlocutor, and makes them more attractive in the eyes of others. But it is not always possible to successfully joke, and for some it becomes a super task. Yes, jokes are different. The same anecdote will cause laughter in some, disgust in others.

“The research we have done has shown that humor is triggered by things that are both right and wrong, dangerous and safe, meaningless at first glance, but which turn out to be a source of wisdom when we look at them more closely,” says Peter McGraw , director of the Sense of Humor Laboratory at the University of Colorado. nine0003

Everyone's sense of humor is unique and depends on many parameters: temperament, personal experience, social class, culture to which we belong. Therefore, we react to jokes in different ways and find different topics funny.

Why do we need a sense of humor?

Every feeling we experience has a certain task. For example, fear is meant to warn of danger. But is the ability to joke so necessary from the point of view of evolution?

Psychologist Professor Larry Ventis believes that a sense of humor can be a necessary criterion in choosing a suitable partner, since it partly allows one to draw a conclusion about the intellectual level of the interlocutor. It is no coincidence that profiles on dating sites often indicate a good sense of humor as one of the strengths. After all, someone who knows how to joke will win our interest much faster. nine0003

Another reason is that a sense of humor helps to cope with difficult situations. “I think that nature has endowed us with the ability to joke so that we can believe in the best,” says Penny Pexman, a professor at the University of Calgary in Canada. “Being optimistic is one of the ways our species survives. Sometimes we act completely illogically because we are sure that our plan will work. In addition, it helps to cope with failures. An ironic comment allows you to express feelings, accept what happened and move on. nine0003

Rod Martin, author of The Psychology of Humor ¹, believes that this feeling is also necessary for survival, as it helps to form groups: “Laughter is a way to express emotions, and its sound causes a similar experience in those who are near. That’s why laughter is so pleasant and contagious.” Martin considers it a social phenomenon, because people rarely laugh alone.

Who is funnier?

Extroverts or introverts

We are used to the fact that sociable, liberated people have a sense of humor. This is partly true, they really tell jokes more often, joke and laugh in response. However, this does not mean that all introverts are deprived of this ability, Martin notes, just that their humor is more likely to be more subtle. In addition, they do not feel the need to make others laugh, like extroverts. nine0003

Men or women

It is believed that ladies prefer partners with a good sense of humor, while men prefer women to laugh at their jokes. Some studies confirm that men are better at joking than women, while others believe that these findings are ambiguous. Thus, Hooper, Sharpe and Roberts found that respondents preferred men more likely under the influence of stereotypes. In the case when it was not known who the author of the funny caption was, the participants made their choice more freely and the stronger sex was no longer in the lead so clearly. nine0003

How to develop a sense of humor?

1. Observe what makes you smile. There is no point in trying to remember jokes that do not seem funny to you - it is unlikely that you will be able to tell them in such a way as to make others laugh. Pay attention to what makes you laugh. What exactly did you find funny and why? Share with someone who you think would appreciate the joke.

2. Surround yourself with fun. Watch more often the performances of comedians whom you think are funny, watch their movements, facial expressions. Listen to podcasts that you find funny, read humorous stories. Developing a sense of humor is a bit like learning another language. Just as English teachers recommend that we “immerse ourselves” in an English-speaking environment, you need to immerse yourself in the world of humor. nine0003

3. Consider the situation before you joke. When deciding to share a joke with your friends, try to choose the right place and time. Not every joke is worth telling in a business meeting, and not every joke you share with colleagues over coffee will be understood by your friends. How funny your remark will seem to others also depends on the environment.

Why do we need a sense of humor when the world is collapsing - Snob

Interview

Gor Nakhapetyan: What's so funny? nine0003

With every burst of tragic news, our phone screens glow with memes: about a victim of the coronavirus, on whom a rack with stew and buckwheat fell, Tventina Quarantino, Natasha and her cats. Why do we laugh when things are bad? Is this generally decent, ethical, normal? Gor Nakhapetyan, Honorary Professor of Business Practice at Skolkovo Moscow School of Management and one of the founders of the Sensemakers project, explains why we need “laughter during the plague”

12 May 2020 14:40

Photo: Lara Lychagina

Natasha and her cats are, of course, popular favorites, and this is really a very successful series. What are your favorite quarantine jokes?

Meme with a view of the empty city from the window of the house and the inscription "Director David Lynch." About oil, the funniest joke seemed to be “Since Monday, the OPEC + countries have agreed to produce ginger.” Cute household memes: "Gender of the month - homesexual." But here's what's interesting. We used to tell jokes with our voice, and each teller became a co-author of the story. And now we just send tons of pictures. I saw it, grinned, sent it to a colleague, wife or some friendly chat - and forgot. But if you yourself did not participate in the joke as a narrator, then you really did not get your dose of laughter therapy. Therefore, a much more effective pill for stress against the backdrop of bad news is still not memes, but the Russian project “Izoizolyatsiya”, in which thousands of people, sitting at home, make parodies of famous works of art with themselves as models. To get one photo, you need to spend half a day. And all this time both the initiator and the whole family have a lot of fun. nine0003

A sense of humor as a protective gateway for the psyche - how does it even work?

When there is no mood, when nothing can make us laugh, there is a risk of falling into depression. Humor levels the mental state. A bad mood is a lingering stress. From the point of view of physiology, stress is especially harmful to us now: cortisol emissions weaken the immune system. When we laugh, endorphins rise and cortisol levels decrease. The ability to joke in any situation is not only a defensive reaction of the psyche, but also an intellectual ability. The richness of the language also plays a role here. The richer the language, the more subtle the humor. Freud also suggested that humor, like dreams, is connected with our unconscious and its conflict with our ego. Joyful light humor speaks of a benevolent superego, sarcasm speaks of a hard ego, and a person with a super hard ego completely suppresses any humor: “What jokes? Work!” It happens that the ability to laugh at oneself is at a low level - it depends on the structure and type of personality. It seems to me that people of this type in times of crisis of any scale have the hardest life of all. nine0003

But humor serves to maintain sacred order. Our world rests on people with a sense of humor, it is they who notice the contradictions in the world and assessments and present it from a comic point of view. And while we can still laugh at ourselves and at each other, we will be able to get through this crisis with the least loss to our psyche.

Psychiatrists say that after a traumatic event—surviving an act of violence, spending a week held hostage by terrorists—a person may suddenly burst out laughing and making cynical jokes. This confuses those around him, who expect grief and depression from him, they begin to doubt: maybe there was nothing? It seems to me that this is some kind of similar mechanism: against the backdrop of an apocalyptic news agenda, the social media feed is filled with jokes. nine0024

Probably something similar. More than once I noticed at the wake how a laugh breaks out from some person. It used to surprise me, but then I realized that this is the safety valve of the body. Laughter is our way of letting off steam. When we boil soup, we leave a small gap between the pot and the lid so it won't blow away when the soup boils. Jokes play the same role.

I even think that the welfare of countries depends on the national sense of humor, especially the culture of political jokes. One should not underestimate the role of holy fools under kings in ancient times - they did not allow the authorities to bronze. In ancient Greece, there is the god of laughter - Gelos, and the god of ridicule, slander and criticism - Moma, the Roman god of laughter Rhizus. Jesters are often found in Shakespeare. You can pay attention to England, to what acceptable norm the English joke about their rulers - and this is the power of the state. nine0003
When we are all separated - each in his own house, cut off from friends, from parents - we need to unite around something. Today, when we, mankind, have been put on standby, nature gives us signs and helps us to realize the inferiority of the achievementist concept of the “ideal world”, “ideal person”, “ideal family”. Ideality in the stand by mode begins to collapse. And a sense of humor will help to make fun of the world of glossy standards that we have created, and help invent a new one. Over the past decades, we have become a society of loners, and now again, I hope, we have begun to come to a society of friendship. The new world will become more straightforward, understandable, transparent, it will have a lot of productive collaboration, creative tandems. After all, it is not grueling workouts and the absorption of vitamins that help to live happily ever after, but the quality of social contacts. It is no coincidence that in the regions where centenarians live, close family ties are accepted: large tables are set there, the whole village eats, they raise glasses together and laugh a lot. nine0003

A couple of weeks ago, I met with the head of a large company with state participation - this is a backbone business that was allowed to work. I did yoga in the morning, took a cold shower and was finally able to smile - I confess that it’s not always possible to make yourself a good mood these days. He asks, "How are you?" I answer: "Great, everything is fine. " In response, the eyes from under the mask filled with lead and began to throw lightning: “What good? People die. The world is a nightmare." I felt terribly embarrassed. How ethical is it now to be joyful and joke? nine0024

Everyone is in different stages of accepting the situation. In my experience, big business owners and managers in Russia often have a minimal sense of humor. They are accustomed to act authoritarian, directive, manage hierarchically, keep the team at bay. In this culture, "corporate jesters" do not survive. Fear is a powerful managerial driver, but it kills creativity and the ability to take responsibility. In this regard, by the way, the investigation into the fall of the Boeing 737 MAX in Indonesia is interesting. It turns out that all employees knew about the technical shortcomings of this model, discussed them in correspondence and "in smoking rooms", and the management knew about them. But out of fear, this was not discussed at the meetings and was not really reported to the air carriers. nine0003
By the way, 15 years ago, my partners and I recorded a sense of humor as one of Troika Dialog's corporate values. Try to do this inside your company - everyone will immediately switch to “you”, and you will get a different corporate culture, where there will be many people with critical thinking in the team, and there will be more emotions in work that are not associated with fear, but with an authentic emotion of happiness and joy. In such a team, the leader will not be the one who shouts louder, gets angry and orders, but the one who tells more interesting things, knows how to be ironic and wise. Humor helps to cut through the hierarchy and soften the fear. This is exactly what our Sensemakers project is about, by the way. Come join us on the air at the end of each week on Instagram, and you can watch the recordings on our YouTube channel. We take the liberty of introducing a new profession - "wise men". Every company should have these: people they go to for wise advice, not consulting. They are the ones who notice the contradictions and who are listened to: they perform the function of injecting the truth. In addition to understanding the essence of business, they also have practical wisdom and intuition. They can help organizations with longevity—and as I said above, longevity is hard to come by without good relationships. nine0003
However, now remotely all the managers go through this training themselves, although not all of them signed up for it. Because fear as a method of control is decidedly outdated: it only works with live communication. Who do you scare on Zoom? Try yelling at people there, as you used to do it in the office in your office. Sense - zero. Therefore, today it is difficult for leaders without a sense of humor and a talent for storytelling to manage their teams. The same thing happens with teachers who teach remotely. In the classroom, you can work on fear: if you shout, everyone is quiet, and in Zoom, if you are not interested, the students turn off the video and sit on their phones. nine0003

And here's more about crises. The trend for happy endings was formed in Hollywood just in the most terrible times for the country - in the 1930s, during the Great Depression. At the same time, comedians became especially popular in the States.

I can tell my story. In Armenia, when we played KVN, the Karabakh war was raging. There was an earthquake, the USSR was falling apart, people had no work, no gas, no light, no food. I stood in line for bread for several hours, everyone was selling everything that was at home, the money went to food. Apartments were heated by potbelly stoves, books and parquet were burned, parks were cut down for firewood, so as not to freeze. And we played KVN. And I know that people connected tank batteries to TV in order to watch our game on Channel One. We created a whole association of KVN, each school had its own team. Then we assembled the New Armenians team, which later turned into the Comedy Club. We were proud, our jokes were told to each other, we had to laugh even in such a difficult time.
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