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How to not shut down emotionally


How to Communicate with Someone Who Shuts Down

Stonewalling during an argument may protect you from psychological overwhelm, but to your partner, it can come off as deliberate avoidance.

Feeling ignored when you’re in an emotionally charged moment can be frustrating. You’re trying to work through an issue, but suddenly someone shuts down and goes unresponsive.

This reaction is known as stonewalling. From the outside, it can feel like that person has shut down emotionally.

If you’re the one shutting down, however, you may be inwardly dysregulated.

What to do when someone you love shuts down

  • take a break from, or “table” the conversation
  • write down your thoughts and feelings to revisit later
  • stay calm
  • don’t retaliate
  • don’t throw an adult temper tantrum
  • do something self-soothing
  • consider professional intervention

The need to “check out” when you’re being bombarded with negativity can be a natural reaction. You may be feeling frustrated yourself, or maybe you’re uncomfortable with the tension.

Without an immediate solution in sight, it can feel easier to pretend your person is invisible. You may stop responding or making eye contact. You might start excessively cleaning to signal you’re done with the conversation.

Keep in mind your shutting down doesn’t make you look good (and doesn’t help anything)

Being aware of how stonewalling is received can help you bring yourself out of it.

If you shut down during intense communication, the other person may feel rejected or devalued. It can appear like you don’t care about them or what they have to say.

They may not understand why you shut them out. It can make them angry or frustrated, and they may retaliate with their own silent treatment.

This can create a cycle of silence and hurt feelings.

Communicate calmy, clearly, and assertively

Shutting down when you’re upset — whether deliberately or as a defense mechanism — doesn’t usually solve the problem at hand.

To reach any solution or compromise, most issues require communication to understand the big picture.

  • Communicating calmly helps keep the energy neutral. If you go into something looking for a fight, you’ll probably find one.
  • Communicating clearly can help get your points across quickly and can help prevent misunderstandings about intent.
  • Communicating assertively doesn’t mean communicating aggressively. Being assertive often means approaching an argument using “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

Asserting how a situation makes you feel rather than blaming or accusing the other person can avoid putting them immediately on the defensive.

A 2009 study found that couples rated communicating anger in an assertive way as more successful than approaching anger from a place of denial or passive-aggressiveness.

Learn to self-soothe healthily

Self-soothing may help you disengage from an emotional lockdown by shifting your energy.

Self-soothing activities, such as reading, meditating, or exercising, can help you regain a sense of calm after an argument.

Though there are many ways to relax, options such as smoking or drinking may cause you more complications down the road.

Write down your thoughts

In the moment, it may be a challenge to get out all the things you want to say. Feeling frustrated by not being able to express yourself may make you feel there’s no point in trying.

Writing your thoughts down can help maintain the dialogue between you and your partner when you revisit the conversation later.

How to open back up after you’ve been giving the silent treatment

  • “I understand what you’re saying…”
  • “I feel…” or “When you … I feel…”
  • “I’m sorry I said…” or “I’m sorry I didn’t…”
  • “I need some time to collect my thoughts.”
  • “Let’s take a break but pick another time to discuss…”
  • “I’m not upset with you. I’m just feeling overwhelmed…”

When you feel like someone shuts you out, it can hurt. You may feel unwanted or unappreciated.

Understanding where stonewalling comes from can help keep negative reactions at bay and can help you identify when your partner is overwhelmed or deliberately avoiding.

Keep in mind it’s not about you

Stonewalling isn’t always your partner punishing you for a heated conversation.

For some people, shutting down emotionally is a response to feeling overstimulated. It doesn’t have anything to do with you or how they feel about you.

If your husband or partner shuts down when you cry, for example, it may be because they don’t know the best way to handle that display of emotions. It’s not that necessarily they don’t care about you or value your feelings.

Set mutual expectations

Having an agreed-upon approach to debates and arguments may help disengage stonewalling if it happens.

Allowing back-and-forth replies, having a safe space for debates, and knowing when to stop and decompress can all be fundamental rules for heated conversation.

(Re)set boundaries

Sometimes the things you say during an argument are deliberately hurtful. Setting conversation boundaries, and reaffirming them during calm times, can prevent those damaging quips that can’t be unsaid.

Let them know how their silence affects you

Most people who truly care about you don’t want you to feel hurt. Communicating to your partner that their silent treatment or emotional shut down upsets you can help them realize its impact.

What to say to someone when they are shutting you out

  • “I understand you’re feeling…”
  • “I’ve given you a lot to consider. I’ll give you time to digest.”
  • “Let’s take a breather and come back to this another time.”
  • “I’m sorry I said…” or “I’m sorry I didn’t…”
  • “I’m not upset with you. I’m feeling…”
  • “When you ignore me I feel…”

Now that you have more insight into why stonewalling happens, you can help prevent it in both yourself and your partner.

Sometimes, stonewalling becomes a form of mistreatment in a relationship. When it’s done deliberately, with the intent to punish the other person, it may require the intervention of a professional.

Resources for couples looking to find ways to overcome stonewalling include:

  • The 7 best online couples therapy services in 2021
  • The 9 best affordable therapy options in 2021
  • The 6 best online marriage counseling services in 2021
  • How to create emotional safety in a relationship: 7 tips
  • What is a couples retreat and why should you plan one?

Relationship woes? Our advice columnist wants to hear from you!

Submit your anonymous questions here for Sex, Love, and All of the Above from Psych Central sex and relationships writer Morgan Mandriota. Then subscribe to our weekly newsletter to find out if your question is featured.

How to Communicate with Someone Who Shuts Down

Stonewalling during an argument may protect you from psychological overwhelm, but to your partner, it can come off as deliberate avoidance.

Feeling ignored when you’re in an emotionally charged moment can be frustrating. You’re trying to work through an issue, but suddenly someone shuts down and goes unresponsive.

This reaction is known as stonewalling. From the outside, it can feel like that person has shut down emotionally.

If you’re the one shutting down, however, you may be inwardly dysregulated.

What to do when someone you love shuts down

  • take a break from, or “table” the conversation
  • write down your thoughts and feelings to revisit later
  • stay calm
  • don’t retaliate
  • don’t throw an adult temper tantrum
  • do something self-soothing
  • consider professional intervention

The need to “check out” when you’re being bombarded with negativity can be a natural reaction. You may be feeling frustrated yourself, or maybe you’re uncomfortable with the tension.

Without an immediate solution in sight, it can feel easier to pretend your person is invisible. You may stop responding or making eye contact. You might start excessively cleaning to signal you’re done with the conversation.

Keep in mind your shutting down doesn’t make you look good (and doesn’t help anything)

Being aware of how stonewalling is received can help you bring yourself out of it.

If you shut down during intense communication, the other person may feel rejected or devalued. It can appear like you don’t care about them or what they have to say.

They may not understand why you shut them out. It can make them angry or frustrated, and they may retaliate with their own silent treatment.

This can create a cycle of silence and hurt feelings.

Communicate calmy, clearly, and assertively

Shutting down when you’re upset — whether deliberately or as a defense mechanism — doesn’t usually solve the problem at hand.

To reach any solution or compromise, most issues require communication to understand the big picture.

  • Communicating calmly helps keep the energy neutral. If you go into something looking for a fight, you’ll probably find one.
  • Communicating clearly can help get your points across quickly and can help prevent misunderstandings about intent.
  • Communicating assertively doesn’t mean communicating aggressively. Being assertive often means approaching an argument using “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

Asserting how a situation makes you feel rather than blaming or accusing the other person can avoid putting them immediately on the defensive.

A 2009 study found that couples rated communicating anger in an assertive way as more successful than approaching anger from a place of denial or passive-aggressiveness.

Learn to self-soothe healthily

Self-soothing may help you disengage from an emotional lockdown by shifting your energy.

Self-soothing activities, such as reading, meditating, or exercising, can help you regain a sense of calm after an argument.

Though there are many ways to relax, options such as smoking or drinking may cause you more complications down the road.

Write down your thoughts

In the moment, it may be a challenge to get out all the things you want to say. Feeling frustrated by not being able to express yourself may make you feel there’s no point in trying.

Writing your thoughts down can help maintain the dialogue between you and your partner when you revisit the conversation later.

How to open back up after you’ve been giving the silent treatment

  • “I understand what you’re saying…”
  • “I feel…” or “When you … I feel…”
  • “I’m sorry I said…” or “I’m sorry I didn’t…”
  • “I need some time to collect my thoughts.”
  • “Let’s take a break but pick another time to discuss…”
  • “I’m not upset with you. I’m just feeling overwhelmed…”

When you feel like someone shuts you out, it can hurt. You may feel unwanted or unappreciated.

Understanding where stonewalling comes from can help keep negative reactions at bay and can help you identify when your partner is overwhelmed or deliberately avoiding.

Keep in mind it’s not about you

Stonewalling isn’t always your partner punishing you for a heated conversation.

For some people, shutting down emotionally is a response to feeling overstimulated. It doesn’t have anything to do with you or how they feel about you.

If your husband or partner shuts down when you cry, for example, it may be because they don’t know the best way to handle that display of emotions. It’s not that necessarily they don’t care about you or value your feelings.

Set mutual expectations

Having an agreed-upon approach to debates and arguments may help disengage stonewalling if it happens.

Allowing back-and-forth replies, having a safe space for debates, and knowing when to stop and decompress can all be fundamental rules for heated conversation.

(Re)set boundaries

Sometimes the things you say during an argument are deliberately hurtful. Setting conversation boundaries, and reaffirming them during calm times, can prevent those damaging quips that can’t be unsaid.

Let them know how their silence affects you

Most people who truly care about you don’t want you to feel hurt. Communicating to your partner that their silent treatment or emotional shut down upsets you can help them realize its impact.

What to say to someone when they are shutting you out

  • “I understand you’re feeling…”
  • “I’ve given you a lot to consider. I’ll give you time to digest.”
  • “Let’s take a breather and come back to this another time.”
  • “I’m sorry I said…” or “I’m sorry I didn’t…”
  • “I’m not upset with you. I’m feeling…”
  • “When you ignore me I feel…”

Now that you have more insight into why stonewalling happens, you can help prevent it in both yourself and your partner.

Sometimes, stonewalling becomes a form of mistreatment in a relationship. When it’s done deliberately, with the intent to punish the other person, it may require the intervention of a professional.

Resources for couples looking to find ways to overcome stonewalling include:

  • The 7 best online couples therapy services in 2021
  • The 9 best affordable therapy options in 2021
  • The 6 best online marriage counseling services in 2021
  • How to create emotional safety in a relationship: 7 tips
  • What is a couples retreat and why should you plan one?

Relationship woes? Our advice columnist wants to hear from you!

Submit your anonymous questions here for Sex, Love, and All of the Above from Psych Central sex and relationships writer Morgan Mandriota. Then subscribe to our weekly newsletter to find out if your question is featured.

Self-care — why is it dangerous?

106,935

Know YourselfAntistress

All week we work at the computer, and then we go to a nightclub to throw out the accumulated emotions. But this is not a vacation, but a change in the type of activity. Again, energy consumption. When the resources are finally depleted, we find no other way out... withdraw into ourselves.

Over time, this form of self-defense can be so pleasant that we resort to it more and more often, go into a fantasy world where we feel safe. And now we constantly live where we are understood and accepted as we are - in ourselves. nine0003

The best sedative

It is important for every person to be understood. Retreating into ourselves, we find such a partner and friend - we ourselves become them. This person does not need to explain anything, he likes all our thoughts, tastes, views. He will not criticize us.

Withdrawal into oneself is nothing more than making up for the lack of attention, understanding and love. And the danger is that this deficit imperceptibly develops into a strong psychological defense.

When the pace of life is accelerating, we are forced to rest even during work and communication with our family

Physically you are present, living, doing everything that is required of you at home and at work, but internally you distance yourself and close yourself off. Communication with the outside world becomes minimal, the only person who does not cause irritation and does not force you to hide and defend yourself becomes you.

When the Temporary Becomes Permanent

We all need to recharge and rest from time to time. But when the pace of life accelerates, we are forced to rest even while working and communicating with our family. So we go into automatic mode, there is a feeling that we are both here and not here at the same time. nine0003

Our aloofness is especially noticeable to those close to us, it is becoming more and more difficult for them to communicate with us, it seems that we have become indifferent, distant, closed, we do not hear anyone and are not interested in anything.

At the same time, we ourselves feel incredible inner comfort: we feel good, calm, we have nothing to strive for and nothing needs to be proven. This is how addiction and dependence on communication with oneself occurs.

The less success in the outside world, the more we withdraw into ourselves

We do not feel lonely, because we have already become for ourselves those who are able to understand, support, share all painful experiences and show feelings. nine0003

So over time we cease to open up at work and in the family, our strength is dwindling, there is no replenishment of energy resources. And as resources are exhausted, communication with the outside world is reduced.

And by that time there are enough reasons for this. For example, lack of money, health problems, problems in the family - there are so many of them that you are forced to live in a mode of saving energy and emotions. And we do not notice how the whole life turns into a beautiful dream, in which there is no longer any point in showing feelings, achieving something, fighting for something. nine0003

Instead of moving forward, developing, we drive ourselves into a corner of loneliness

As if we already understood everything about this world and decided to go to a more beautiful one, where there are no problems. In your inner life, you become what you always dreamed of being: loved, in demand, talented.

There are situations when it is necessary to withdraw into oneself in order to recover from severe stress, intensive work and other overloads. If this is a short-term "care", then everything is in order. But often this condition turns into a habit, a way of life. nine0003

We replace any action with an escape into ourselves. Instead of moving forward, developing, we drive ourselves into a corner of loneliness and unfulfillment. Sooner or later, this "reclusion" leads to a breakdown. A person turns into a neurotic personality, everything irritates him, he goes through even small life tests with great effort.

What to do?

1. Reduce the time you spend on the Internet and watching TV

Living emotions and feelings in virtual life, we stop doing it outside, because of this, reality becomes less and less attractive. We must not forget about the need to be here and now, in the real world. nine0003

2. Replace communication with yourself with communication and interaction with others

Meet friends, talk about something real and really important, in any way try to get out of closed mode. Closure is the overlap of energy exchange with others and with the world in general. You react only to your own experiences and at the same time are deaf to the experiences of others.

Sooner or later, your friends will get used to the fact that you are not around, and you will also receive less and less attention and love from them. But we replenish our energy resources with the help of communication as well. And it doesn't always take a certain person or time to do it. nine0003

Your friends will get used to the fact that you are not around, and you will also receive less and less attention. Go to a concert, to the theater, go on a trip - at least around your city.

3. Increase and maintain interest in your life

Often we withdraw into ourselves only because at some point we are disappointed in life and people. Everything that surrounds us no longer seems exciting and interesting to us, we become skeptics. We all know that nothing surprises us anymore. nine0003

Such thoughts make you go deep inside yourself, engage in self-digging. But life is full of discoveries, you just need to decide on changes: in yourself, in your routine, environment, interests and habits.

Start doing something that you did not dare to do before, but that you have long dreamed of. Translate your thoughts and desires into action. The main rule of any change is to act.

4. Take care of yourself and your body

To return to real life, first of all, you need to restore the connection between the body and consciousness. When we withdraw into ourselves, we are physically inactive. Therefore, in reality, they are inactive, our entire path is the road from the car to the office chair and back. It is through the body that we feel reality, we feel what is happening to us now, at this moment. nine0003

Let other people, feelings, impressions into your world

The easiest way to get yourself moving is a general cleaning. Put things in order. This does not require special training. You just need to get up and start. If you're really having a hard time, take on just one room, or just wash the bathroom sink. When people withdraw into themselves, they take less care of their home and themselves.

Start cooking healthy food for yourself, look for new recipes. Be sure to go to the gym or to a group workout to physically interact with others. This will help not to get stuck in yourself, to switch to the outside world. nine0003

Let other people, feelings, impressions into your world. Believe in yourself and be persistent. Open yourself to this world, and it will become even more interesting and beautiful, because you have joined it.

About the author

Lilia Kim — trainer, psychologist, psychoanalyst. Her site is .

Text: Lilia Kim Photo Source: Getty Images

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How to abstract from negative emotions?

It is difficult to always be calm and balanced, irritation, negative emotions periodically appear, the mood deteriorates. The most popular advice is to simply ignore the negative and focus on the positive. But how can this be abstracted? What does this mean and how to learn it? - let's figure it out in this article.

What does abstraction mean?

The concept of "abstraction" means a distraction from something, that is, a change in the type of activity. In psychology, abstraction is understood as a change in thinking, a change in the view of the situation. A person, as it were, re-looks at the problem only from a different angle. We are accustomed to automatically generalize what we see, what happened and reduce it to a common denominator. But decisions sometimes require you to pause and change the record. Step aside from violent reactions and emotions, exhale and let your nervous system rest in order to return with a cold mind to the situation. nine0003

How to abstract from the negative?

There is no magic pill for a bad mood. It is necessary to carry out constant work on yourself, your emotional intelligence, in order to learn how to manage emotions. Therefore, part of the advice will concern the internal study of stable supports, as a result of which it will become much easier for you to abstract from negative emotions. Some of the recommendations were taken from the free online course "Emotional Intelligence", which can be viewed at any convenient time. nine0003

  • Develop mindfulness. Negative emotions can overwhelm you so much that you cannot go beyond them. Therefore, it is important to clearly give an account of your actions and perceive what is happening as objectively as possible. Then it will be easier to suppress negative emotions.
  • Accept life. Life is absurd, nothing and no one is perfect in it. Therefore, do not take many problems to heart, because in life it is impossible to control everything. Sometimes we cannot influence the circumstances, so just accept it and act. nine0123
  • Think philosophically. It means to perceive life not only through the prism of white and black, but also to understand that there are other colors in life. You can't just think in terms of right/wrong. Analyze important points, draw conclusions and not make drastic decisions. Everything bad that happens to you is just an experience that needs to be worked through and let go.
  • Be imperfect. Many people experience a lot of their failures, blaming themselves for many years. Constantly thinking about past mistakes only spoils the mood and does not allow the present to enter your life. Don't beat yourself up, just let go of the situation. nine0123
  • Postpone business. If you feel that emotions are consuming you and do not allow you to focus on the main thing, then take a break and do what you love. Go for a walk, sleep, drink coffee with a croissant. Give yourself a break, relax and let go of all thoughts.

Remove bad thoughts. Sometimes we spoil our own mood, although nothing happened. So just drive away the negative and replace it with good memories. And empty fears can be worked out and comprehended, to understand that there is no reason for experiences.

Learn more