Why do all men cheat

30 Reasons Why Men Cheat

In This Article

Cheating is when one partner betrays the other partner’s trust and breaks the promise of maintaining emotional and sexual exclusivity with them.

Being cheated by someone you love very dearly can be devastating. People who get cheated on suffer enormously.

Can you imagine how it must feel when a person gets cheated and lied to by their partner, with whom they had dreamt of spending their entire lifetime?

They feel enraged, disappointed, and broken. The first thing that comes to their mind when they get cheated is, “Why did this happen? What made their partners cheat?”

How common is cheating?

Though both men and women cheat, statistics reveal that more men than women have confessed to having affairs after marriage. So, what percentage of people cheat?

If you ask what percentage of men cheat and what percentage of women cheat, it’s not surprising that men are 7 percent more likely to cheat than women are.

What are the signs of a man who is cheating?

Any mistake is not too big to be not forgiven in a relationship, but infidelity taints a relationship. It can scar the victim for life.

Although infidelity is not restricted to a particular gender, this section intends to focus on the signs of a cheating man.

If you have friends who have reported about your partner with someone you have no idea about, it could be one of the signs of a cheating man. However, it is important to confront your partner and know the whole truth before arriving at any conclusion.

Related Reading: The Importance of Friends After Marriage

When a man cheats, he says something, and the actions don’t add up to it, and this can be alarming. You could also notice a change in routines. Once he begins lying, it’s hard to keep up with the act.

If he is quick to get irritated and he is getting irritated a lot, this is only because he is losing his patience for you and could be finding interest in someone else. This also affects the efforts he puts into the relationship.

Also Try: Do I Have Anger Issues Quiz

Your man doesn’t communicate as much as he used to, which is a glaring sign of him losing interest in you. On the one hand, it could be stress or worry, but on the other hand, the guilty reason could be that he is scared to confront you.

Related Reading: Top 10 Causes of Relationship Communication Problems

Considering men who have affairs have a lot of fishy things going on in his life, they have little to disclose because they know the more they speak, the more they will be trapped in their web of lies. So, rather than fabricating stories, they prefer to stay silent.

Related Reading: Your Physical Relationship Doesn’t End at Your Bedroom Door

Do all men cheat?

So, what could be the top reasons why do people cheat in relationships? Why do people cheat on people they love? Can men be faithful?

There could be a lot of reasons why men cheat, depending on their circumstances, their intent, their sexual preferences, and many more.

If you are a victim who is contemplating reasons for infidelity in marriage, you could be perturbed and can have thoughts like, do all men cheat? Or do most men cheat?

It would be really unfair to label only men as cheaters. It’s not just men, but every human being has a strong desire for self-gratification.

But, if this need for self-gratification exceeds the love and intimacy a person is getting from a relationship, it can lead to infidelity.

The statistics confirm that men are more likely to cheat than women, but it’s far from revealing that all men cheat.

30 reasons why men cheat in relationships

Women might find themselves tormented by the questions, “Why does this happen? Why do married men cheat?”, “Why is he cheating?”

It is not just about fleeting flings. Many times, women find their husbands carrying on with long-standing affairs and wonder about reasons for cheating and seeking attention outside of marriage. “Why do people cheat in relationships?”

To their relief, 30 relationship experts answer this question below to help you understand reasons why guys cheat:

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1. Men cheat due to lack of maturity

“Males, in general, will have a myriad of reasons why they engage in extramarital affairs. From my clinical experience, I have noticed a common theme of emotional immaturity with those that act on the emotional and physical aspects of cheating.

Lacking the maturity to invest the time, commitment, and energy to work through core issues within their marital relationship is why men cheat. Well, at least some of them. Instead, these men often choose to engage in activities that are harmful to both their significant others, families, and themselves.

The scorching repercussions that often come with the aftermath of cheating in a relationship are not considered until after the fact.

Cheating men have a visible proclivity to be reckless. It would be helpful for men that are contemplating cheating to think long and hard if the affair is worth hurting or possibly losing the ones that they proclaim to love most.

Is your relationship really worth gambling with?” Dr. Tequilla Hill Hales Psychologist

Related Reading: 15 Ways on How to Be Mature in a Relationship

2. Men cheat when they are made to feel inadequate

“Why do men cheat? A gnawing feeling of Inadequacy is a major prelude to an urge to cheat. Men (and women) indulge in cheating when they feel inadequate.

Men who cheat repeatedly are those who are repeatedly made to feel like they are less than. They seek to find someone that makes them feel like a priority.

In essence, they try to fill the void that their partner used to occupy. Seeking attention outside a relationship is a sign that they were made to feel inadequate by their partners.

Looking for attention outside of a relationship is a prominent sign of an emerging betrayal in a relationship and the reason why men cheat.” Danielle Adinolfi Sex Therapist

3.

Men feel ashamed about their desire for pleasure

“Why do good husbands have affairs? The answer is – Shame.

Why men have emotional affairs and not just physical is because of shame, this is why people cheat.

I know that sounds ironic and like a cart-horse dilemma since many people become ashamed after getting caught cheating. But cheating behaviors are very often triggered by shame.

I hate to be reductive and categorical, but what many men who have cheated have in common–both gay and straight–is some degree of shame about their desires for pleasure.

A cheating man is often someone plagued by a strong but hidden sense of shame about his sexual desires.

Many of them love and are deeply devoted to their partners, but over time they develop an intense fear of their desires being rejected.

The closer any of us gets to someone we love, the more familiar and familial the bond becomes, and therefore the more difficult it is to seek pleasure as individuals–especially when it comes to sex and romance–without potentially hurting the other person in some way, and feeling shame as a result.

Rather than risk the shame of exposing their desires and getting rejected, many men decide to have it both ways: a safe, secure, and loving relationship at home; and an exciting, liberating, sexual relationship elsewhere. This is the answer to the question, “why do men cheat.”

As a therapist, I help people navigate the challenging task of negotiating sexual needs with their partners rather than resort to cheating or unnecessary breakups. In many cases, couples decide to stay together as a result.

In some cases, frank and transparent dialogue about conflicting desires may lead to necessary separation.

But openly negotiating sexual needs is better for everyone involved than deceiving your partner and breaking the mutually recognized rules of the relationship.” Mark O’Connell Psychotherapist

Also Try: What Is Your Darkest Sexual Fantasy Quiz

4. Men sometimes have an intimacy disorder

“What to look out for in men cheating? Any signs of your man grappling with intimacy issues could be a red flag.

Men cheat because they have an intimacy disorder, whether they commit online cheating or in person.

They likely don’t know how to ask for intimacy (not JUST sex), or if they do ask, they don’t know how to do it in such a way that connects with the woman, which answers why do men lie and cheat.

So, the man then looks for a cheap substitute to soothe his needs and desires for intimacy.” Greg Griffin Pastoral Counselor

5. Men cheat because they choose to

Nothing “makes” men cheat on their partners, men cheat because they choose to.

Cheating is a choice. He will either choose to do it or choose not to.

Cheating is the manifestation of unresolved issues not dealt with, a void that is unfulfilled, and the inability to fully commit to the relationship and his partner.

Husband cheating on wife is not something that happens. It is a choice that the husband has made. There is no justified explanation for why men cheat. Dr. Lawanda N. Evans Counselor

6. Men cheat due to selfishness

“On the surface, there are many reasons why men cheat.

Such as: “Grass is greener,” feeling desired, the thrill of the conquest, feeling trapped, unhappiness, etc. Underneath all those reasons and others, it is pretty simple, selfishness.- the selfishness that hampers commitment, the integrity of character, and honoring another above self.” Sean Sears Pastoral Counselor

Related Reading: 20 Signs You Are Being Selfish in a Relationship

7. Men cheat due to lack of appreciation

“While there are numerous stated reasons, one theme that runs through them for men is the lack of appreciation and attention.

Many men feel they work hard for their families. They internalize their emotions, and can feel they have been doing much and not receiving enough in return. This explains why men cheat.

The affair offers the opportunity to receive admiration, approval, new attention, seeing themselves anew in someone else’s eyes.” Robert Taibbi Clinical social worker

8. Men seek love and attention

“There are a few reasons why do men cheat, but the one that sticks out for me is, men like attentiveness. In relationships, cheating rears its ugly head when there is a lack of feeling loved and appreciated.

Oftentimes, especially in our fast-paced rush, rush rush, society, couples get so busy that they forget to care for each other.

Conversations become centered on logistics, “who’s picking up the kids today,” “Don’t forget to sign the papers for the bank,” etc. Men, like the rest of us, seek love and attention.

If they feel ignored, bullied, or nagged at constantly, they will seek someone out who listens, stops and compliments them, and makes them feel good, as opposed to what they felt like with their own partner, a failure.

Men and emotional affairs go hand in hand when there is a lack of attention from the spouse.

Emotionally cheating on your partner is, nonetheless, a form of cheating.” Dana Julian Sex Therapist

9. Men need their ego stroked

“The one most common reason is personal insecurity that creates a huge need to have their ego stroked.

Any new “conquest” gives them the illusion that they are the most wonderful, which is why men have affairs.

But because it’s based on external validation, the moment the new conquest complains about anything, the doubts are back with a vengeance, and he needs to look for a new conquest. This is why men cheat.

On the exterior, he looks secure and even arrogant. But it’s insecurity that drives him.” Ada Gonzalez Family Therapist

Related Reading: 10 Signs of Ego in Relationship and What to Do

10. Men become disillusioned with their marriage

“Often men cheat on their wives because they have become disillusioned with their marriage.

They thought that once they were married, life would be great. They would be together with their spouse and be able to talk all they wanted and have sex when they wanted, and live in an unencumbered world together.

However, they begin to do life together with work, financial responsibilities, and having children. All of a sudden, the pleasure is gone.

It appears that everything is about work and taking care of other people and their needs. What about “my needs!” This is why married men cheat. Men become jealous of those little ones in the house who are consuming all of their spouse’s time and energy.

She doesn’t seem to want or desire him anymore. All she does is take care of the kids, running everywhere with them and not paying attention to him.

It is because they begin to look elsewhere for that person who will give them what they need, both – attentiveness and sexual admiration. They are under the assumption that another person can and will meet their needs and make them happy.

They believe that it is not up to them but up to someone else to make them feel loved and wanted. After all, “they deserve to be happy!” Debbie Mcfadden Counselor

11. Men cheat if they have a sexual addiction

“There are numerous reasons why men commit infidelity. One trend we have witnessed over the past 20 years has been an increase in the number of men who have been diagnosed with sexual addiction.

These individuals misuse sex to distract themselves from emotional distress that often is the result of past trauma or neglect.

They struggle to feel affirmed or desired, and this is the explanation for why do men cheat.

They often have feelings of weakness and inferiority, and nearly all of them struggle with the ability to emotionally bond with others.

Their inappropriate actions are driven by impulse and the inability to compartmentalize their behaviors.

Men who undergo counseling for sexual addiction learn why they abuse sex – including cheating – and with that insight can deal with past traumas and learn to emotionally connect with their spouse in a healthy way, therefore significantly reducing the likelihood of future infidelity. ” Eddie Capparucci Counselor

Also Try: Quiz: Am I a Sex Addict?

12. Men desire adventure

“Why do people cheat on people they love?

For the desire for adventure and thrill, risk-taking, excitement seeking.

When husbands cheat, they escape from the routine and blandness of everyday life; the life between work, commute, boring weekends with kids, in front of the TV set, or computer.

The way out from responsibilities, duties, and the specific role they have been given or adopted for themselves. This answers why do men cheat.” Eva Sadowski Counselor

13. Men cheat for various reasons

First, we have to recognize that there is a difference between why do men cheat:

Variety
Boredom
The thrill of the hunt/danger of an affair
Some men have no idea why they are compelled to do it
No moral code for marriage
Inner drive/need for attention (need for attention exceeds normalcy)

The reasons men give for why husbands cheat will help you understand men’s views on affairs:

Their partner has a low sex drive/is not interested in sex
The marriage is collapsing
Unhappy with their partner
Their partner isn’t who they used to be
She gained weight
Wife nags too much is trying to change him or is a “ball-buster”
Better sex with someone who understands them better
The chemistry is gone
From an evolutionary perspective– they weren’t designed to be monogamous
It’s just skin on skin– just sex, baby
Because they feel entitled/they can

At the end of the day, however, even if their spouse is intolerable at many levels, there are much better ways to address the issue.

The bottom line is that a wife can make a man cheat about as much as she can make him abuse alcohol or drugs– it doesn’t work this way.” David O. Saenz Psychologist

14. Men cheat because of the darkness in their hearts

“One of the most common reasons men cheat on their partners centers on darkness in their heart or mind, where factors including lust, pride, the enticements of an affair, and personal frustrations with their partner or life, in general, make them susceptible to being unfaithful.” Eric Gomez Counselor

Also Try: Am I Bisexual Quiz?

15. Men cheat for avoidance, culture, value

“There is no one defining factor that determines infidelity.

However, the three areas listed below are strong factors working in unison that can determine if one makes a choice to cheat on their spouse.

Avoidance: fear of looking at our own behaviors and choices. Feeling stuck or not being sure of what to do represents a fear of making a different choice.

Culturally ingrained: If society, parents, or societal leadership condones infidelity as a value where we may no longer see cheating as a negative behavior.

Value: If we see maintaining marriage as an important value (outside of abuse), we will be more open and willing to make new choices that work towards maintaining the marriage.

These are the reasons that explain why do men cheat.” Lisa Fogel Psychotherapist

16. Men cheat when their partners are unavailable

Men (or women) cheat when their partners are unavailable to them.

Both partners are particularly vulnerable during a reproductive journey, including loss or fertility challenges, especially if their grief paths diverge for long periods of time.

The weakness that comes through is why men cheat.” Julie Bindeman Psychologist

Also Try: Is My Husband Emotionally Unavailable Quiz

17.

Men cheat when there is a lack of intimacy

“It is because of intimacy.

Cheating is a result of a lack of intimacy in a marriage.

Intimacy can be a challenge, but if a man is not feeling fully “seen” in his relationship or not communicating his needs, it can leave him feeling empty, lonely, angry, and unappreciated.

He may then want to fulfill that need outside the relationship.

It’s his way of saying, “someone else sees me and my value and understands my needs, so I’m going to get what I need and want there instead.” Jake Myres Marriage and Family Therapist

18. Men cheat when there is a lack of admiration

The single most common reason is this.

I see why men look outside the relationship for companionship is a perceived lack of admiration and approval by their partner.

It is because they tend to base their sense of self on how the people in the room view them; the outside world serves as a mirror of self-worth. So if a man encounters disapproval, disdain, or disappointment at home, they internalize those emotions.

So when a person outside the relationship then provides a counter to those feelings, shows a different “reflection” to the man, the man is often drawn to that.

And seeing yourself in an encouraging light, well, that’s often very hard to resist.” Crystal Rice Counselor

19. Men cheat for ego inflation

“Why do happy people cheat?

I believe that some men cheat for ego inflation. It feels good to be considered desirable and attractive to others, unfortunately even outside of marriage.

The mindset of a cheating man is to feel powerful and alluring. This is sad but is the reason that tells why do men cheat.” K’hara Mckinney Marriage and Family therapist

20. Infidelity is a crime of opportunity

“While there are numerous reasons that could explain why do men cheat on their partners, one of the most common reasons is that it is a ‘crime’ of opportunity.

Infidelity does not necessarily signal something wrong in the relationship; rather, it reflects that being in a relationship is a daily choice.” Trey Cole Psychologist

Also Try: Should I Stay With My Husband After He Cheated Quiz

21. Men cheat when they feel their woman is unhappy

“I believe men cheat because men live to make their women happy, and when they no longer feel that they are succeeding, they seek a new woman that they can make happy.

Wrong, yes, but true why men cheat.” Terra Bruns Relationship expert

22. Men cheat as an emotional element missing

“In my experience, people cheat because something is missing. A core emotional element that a person needs that is not being met.

Either from within the relationship, which is more common, and someone comes along that fills that need.

But it can be something missing from within a person.

For example, a person who didn’t get a lot of attention in their younger years feels really good when they get special attention or are shown interest. This is why men cheat.” Ken Burns Counselor

Also Try: Am I emotionally exhausted?

23. Men cheat when they don’t feel valued

“While there are, of course, some men who are just entitled jerks, who don’t respect their partners and simply feel they can do whatever they want, my experience is that men cheat chiefly because they don’t feel valued.

This can come in many different forms, of course, based on the individual. Some men may feel devalued if their partners don’t talk with them, spend time with them, or participate in hobbies with them.

Others may feel devalued if their partners stop having regular sex with them. Or if their partners seem too busy with life, household, children, work, etc., to prioritize them.

But underlying all of that is a sense that the man does not matter, that he is not valued and that his partner no longer appreciates him.

This causes the men to seek attention elsewhere, and again in my experience, most often, it is first this seeking of attention from another (that is often referred to as an “emotional affair”) that then leads to sex later (in a “full-blown affair”).

So if you don’t prioritize your man, and don’t make him feel valued, then you shouldn’t be surprised when he seeks attention elsewhere.” Steven Stewart Counselor

24. Men cheat when they can’t connect with themselves

“Why men cheat is because of their inability to emotionally connect to their wounded inner child who is searching to be nurtured and affirmed that they are enough and deserving of being loved simply due to their inherent worth and preciousness.

Since they struggle with this concept of worthiness, they continuously chase an unattainable goal and move from one person to the next.

I think this same concept applies to many women too.” Mark Glover Counselor

Related Reading: 5 Reasons Why Men Cheat and Lie

25.

Men cheat when their needs are not met

“I do not think that there is a common reason for why men cheat because everyone is unique, and their situation is unique.

What happens in marriages to cause problems, such as an affair, is that people feel emotionally disconnected from their partner and do not know how to get their needs met in a healthy manner so they look for other ways to fulfill themselves.” Trish Pauls Psychotherapist

26. Men miss being adored, admired, and desired

“Why men cheat is because they lack the very feeling that drew them into the long-term relationship they are in. The feeling of being adored, admired, and desired is the romantic ail that feels so intoxicating.

At around 6-18 months, it is not uncommon for the man to “fall off the pedestal” as reality sets in and life’s challenges become a priority.

People, not just men, by the way, miss this short and intense phase. This feeling, which plays upon self-esteem and early attachment deprivation, counteracts all insecurity and self-doubt.

It gets deeply rooted in the psyche and lives there waiting to be reactivated. While a long-term partner can provide other important feelings, it is nearly impossible to replicate this original insatiable desire.

Along comes a stranger, who may immediately activate this feeling.

Temptation in full swing can hit hard, especially when one is not being elevated by his partner on a regular basis.” Katherine Mazza Psychotherapist

27. Men cheat when they feel unacknowledged

“There’s no one single reason why men cheat, but one common thread has to do with feeling unappreciated and not taken care of well enough in the relationship.

Many people feel they’re the one doing most of the work in the relationship and that the work isn’t seen or rewarded.

When we feel like all our effort goes unacknowledged, and we don’t know how to give ourselves the love and admiration we need, we look outside.

A new lover tends to be adoring and focus on all our best qualities, and this delivers the approval we’re desperate for—approval that’s lacking from both our partner and ourselves. ” Vicki Botnick Counselor and Psychotherapist

Related Reading: How a Woman Feels After Being Cheated On

28. Different circumstances under which men cheat

“There are no simple answers to this question as to why men cheat because each man has his own reasons, and each circumstance is different.

Also, there certainly are differences between a man who gets caught up in multiple affairs, porn addiction, cyber affairs, or sleeping with prostitutes and a man who falls in love with his co-worker.

The reasons for sex addiction are embedded in trauma, while often, men who have single affairs cite a lack of something they need in their primary relationships.

Sometimes they are missing passionate sex, but just as often, they report that they don’t feel seen or appreciated by their wives. Women get busy running the household, working at their own careers, and rearing the children.

At home, men report that they often feel neglected and taken for granted. In that state of loneliness, they become susceptible to the attention and adoration of someone new.

At work, they are looked up to, feel powerful and worthy, and may cultivate a relationship with a woman who notices that.” Mary Kay Cocharo Couples Therapist

29. Modern romantic idea is the cause for infidelity

“Why men cheat is because they focus on the romantic idea, which is practically a setup for infidelity.

When a relationship inevitably loses its initial luster, it is not uncommon to long for the passion, sexual thrill, and idealized connection with another that was present when it began.

Those who understand and trust the evolution of love that exists in a truly committed relationship will rarely find themselves tempted to cheat.” Marcie Scranton Psychotherapist

Related Reading: 12 Romantic Ideas For Your Wife That Will Win Her Over

30.

Men seek novelty

“Recent research shows that men and women cheat to about the same degree. The common reason why men cheat is to seek novelty.

The common reason women cheat is because of frustrations in their relationship.” Gerald Schoenewolf Psychoanalyst

Takeaway

Now that you know the various reasons why men cheat and lie, you must make an honest effort to take care of the critical aspects to save your marriage. Of course, you can do nothing if it is done deliberately by your husband to get rid of you or hurt you.

But in other cases, when you know that your husband is a great person, try to cultivate a deeper bond, friendship, and love. No man in his right mind would want to ruin a relationship that offers him all this and more.

These pieces of useful advice will help women identify the reasons why men cheat and perhaps give them some insight into how men think and what they can do to prevent them from cheating.

This Is The Real Reason Why Men Cheat

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New research shows we've got male infidelity all wrong. - by Dr. Alicia M. Walker

Like many of us, I thought cheaters participated in cheating as a “way out” of their marriage. I assumed cheating was mate-shopping for their next partner. Why else would they seek another partner given the expense, stress of lying, and time involved? As most public cheating scandals go, a person – usually a man – feels dissatisfied in their marriage or relationship, so they cheat, get caught, and get their way out. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I discovered a new perspective: Cheating in order to remain married.

After recognising a lack of academic research on this topic, I decided to gather my own data to learn what cheaters actually hope to accomplish by stepping outside of their marriage. I contacted Ashley Madison, the controversial married dating site that’s seen 70 million members join since its launch in 2002. With their help, I spoke with nearly 100 self-identified cheaters and learned first-hand how much grey area exists when it comes to infidelity. I also learned how wrong all those “commonsense” ideas about cheating really are.

My conversations with Ashley Madison members have produced two books, detailing the behaviors and rationales of both female and male cheaters, which, for the most part, go against what we typically believe to be true. Where a lack of sexual satisfaction at home motivates women to seek out affairs, men crave the emotional connection and support their spouse neglects to provide. I address the latter in my latest endeavour, Chasing Masculinity: Men, Validation, and Infidelity, which reveals the surprising truth about male infidelity, and flips the script when it comes to what we think motivates men to cheat.

For this research, I spoke to 46 men ranging from 27 to 70 years of age, all either married or partnered, and all very eager to share their experience with me. While these men report a fondness and deep love for their spouse, they also report a very low or nonexistent amount of validation, and an inadequate amount of attention and praise from her.

Without speaking to these men’s wives, it’s impossible to know whether they purposefully withhold praise, attention, and relational management, as the men claim. Perhaps an inequality of the division of household labour resulted in some long-held resentment on the part of their wives. Possibly it’s simply that household chores and childcare dominated their wives’ time and energy, leaving nothing left for their husbands. Regardless, these men internalised the dynamics in those relationships as a condemnation of them and their masculinity.

Their decision to cheat comes from the desire to experience the love and affection they expect to receive from their wife, but has faded over time. After years of enduring those unmet needs, infidelity became a way for them to be doted on while not having to give up a partnership that still means the world to them.

Sex naturally plays a role in the decision as well, as 76% of the men in this sample report being in a sexless marriage. However, where their own orgasms and sexual pleasure motivated women, hearing praise for their sexual prowess made men feel worthy and manly. To them, their wives treat sex as a chore and lack all enthusiasm about it. Men internalise that disinterest as, “I’m not good enough” and “I’m a disappointment. ” They feel undervalued not only as a sexual partner, but as a person. Their outside partners function as the person to whom they go for that praise and recognition. And more often than not, just one “monogamous” affair partner is all they need, unlike many women, who prefer to maintain several concurrent affairs.

That is not to say, though, that the decision to cheat functioned as the first step men took when they felt unsatisfied in their marriage. In fact, these men spent years speaking to their spouse about what was and wasn’t working for them, and asking how they could improve, but weren’t given a substantial answer – or much acknowledgement, in many cases.

Articulating that feeling of under-appreciation and asking, “Why aren’t you interested in me anymore?” can be a very hard thing to do. And when you pass that hurdle and then face a spouse who simply turns a blind eye, is the next step to file for divorce and upend your life? That’s not an option for many people, whether it be financial restraints, children, or knowing it’s not worth it to end a marriage over one missing component. As one participant told me, “I decided my marriage had too many great things about it to end things because of the lack of intimacy.”

A total disinterest in changing their home life exists as a common understanding between affair partners. That is, they prefer the life they share with their spouse. As I mentioned, these men carry a deep love for their wife and 96% of them have absolutely no interest in leaving the marriage. One participant says:

“[My outside partner and I] know that we do not desire a change in our primary partners. We are not ‘in love.’ We enjoy each other, thank each other, and go back to our lives. My wife is my best friend. I enjoy her immensely. Our personalities match well. Our goals are well aligned, as I believe are the goals of my outside partner.”

These men were in real pain before they decided to cheat, both from the neglect they were facing and the realisation that the reality of marriage didn’t line up with their expectations. For many, part of that pain persists knowing that the woman who’s now satisfying their needs isn’t the one woman they ultimately want that satisfaction from: Their wife.

Would these men be happiest with just their wife? Contrary to the common “men can’t resist temptation” narrative, yes, they would be (most men actually enjoy monogamy and are often far less interested in the idea of an open marriage than women are). But circumstances change and reality sets in. Infidelity works as a viable path for them to preserve their happiness and ultimately their marriage.

During the process of putting Chasing Masculinity together, people constantly told me, “I can tell you right now why men cheat, you don’t have to write a book about it.” As it turns out, I did. If I hadn’t, the unfortunate perception we have of men – specifically cheating men – may not have been adequately questioned and challenged.

Alicia M. Walker, PhD is an assistant professor of sociology at Missouri State University and writer. Her latest book, Chasing Masculinity: Men, Validation, and Infidelity, is available now.

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Why men cheat: 6 myths about infidelity

Not everything you know about cheating is true.

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When faced with infidelity, women often think they know why a man betrayed them. But in fact, we believe in myths that have nothing to do with reality.

So which of the axioms about betrayal are actually just stereotypes? That's what psychologists say.

Myth #1: Men miss sex at home

“I often find that a man is satisfied with his intimate life with a regular partner, but at the same time does not miss the opportunity to have fun on the side,” says coach and relationship specialist Lucas McCord . He explains that there are many reasons for going left: a guy can repeat the behavior of his father or unconsciously try to punish his wife, instead of directly discussing all his grievances with her.

For those who are insecure, cheating becomes a way to prove their own masculinity and attractiveness. Alcohol can play a role in making people do stupid things. Sometimes even a vacation is enough, during which a person relaxes and performs spontaneous actions without thinking about their consequences. In total, scientists have identified eight reasons for infidelity - and the lack of sex is not at all the main one, as we used to think.

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Myth Two: Infidelity speaks of trouble in marriage

Psychotherapist Fujan Zeine explains that happy relationships are just as prone to infidelity as problematic ones. Some people, bored, want to try a "new life" or discover some side of their personality. “Sometimes the union becomes so familiar and mundane that someone may need problems to give liveliness,” Zeine says.

Romance on the side does not mean at all that a man is bad with you - it is quite possible that he just wants to have fun or try something else. And it is absolutely not a fact that he will like it! And therefore it is worth debunking another myth - almost all of us believe that cheating leads to the collapse of relationships, while sometimes it has the opposite effect.

Myth Three: Cheating is always bad for a marriage

Infidelity can make a couple's bond stronger than ever, says Anthony Tasso, Ph.D. and psychologist. “The crisis brings to the surface a lot of issues that partners are forced to explore,” he says. With a little devotion, respect and honesty, people, despite what has happened, will be able to build a new space for healthier and stronger relationships.

Tasso's opinion is shared by psychiatrist and relationship and marriage specialist Scott Haltzman. His practice shows that more than half of couples are able to survive infidelity and move on. This does not guarantee a happy ending in the spirit of "lived happily ever after until death", and relationships can deteriorate for other reasons, but trust after going left can be restored, and deceit can become an isolated case, not a recurring event.

Myth four: they cheat with someone prettier and younger

Numerous examples show that this is not true. For example, Arnold Schwarzenegger had an affair with housekeeper Mildred Baena, who looked much more homely than the actor's wife. And the Soviet actress Lyudmila Khityaeva said that, having returned home from filming without warning, she found her husband's mistress in the apartment - middle-aged, plump and tastelessly dressed.

This should not be surprising. As McChord explains, if a man dreams of a secret adventure, then the attractiveness of a woman does not matter: he will choose a partner who is not demanding of courtship and is ready to disappear from his life in time. In addition, young and beautiful girls can choose among a larger number of applicants, and therefore are unlikely to prefer "married".

Myth five: once a cheater will do it again

It is commonly believed that once a cheater is always a cheater, but this is not true. As Haltzman explains, it all depends on the man's goals. If the marriage has already actually fallen apart, and betrayal is only one of the symptoms of this, then you should not expect that after exposure, the deceiver will take the path of correction.

But if the spouse wanted to have fun, but at the same time sincerely wants to save the union and agrees to work on restoring trust, then he is quite capable of remaining honest in the future. However, there is truth to the recurring cheating myth: According to scientists, people who cheated on one partner were three and a half times more likely to do so in a new relationship.

Yet this does not mean that the deceiver will necessarily lie again - it is only that the likelihood of this becomes higher. But it still won’t be 100%, although, of course, three and a half times is also a lot. How to understand what is waiting for your couple? “Sincere repentance is the main indicator that a person wants to redeem himself and change his behavior,” says Tasso.

Myth six: men cheat physically, women cheat emotionally

To believe that representatives of the "strong" sex, cheating, choose sex, "beautiful" - falling in love - this is another outdated gender stereotype. In fact, both men and women are capable of different types of infidelity. It's not about the combination of chromosomes - a person's desires play a decisive role. “There may be periods in anyone’s life when the need for intimacy or emotions comes to the fore. Everyone can have such phases,” Zeine says.

And finally, the main myth about cheating says: if it happened, then you should completely focus on your partner, understanding why he did it and how to make him repent. But this is not so: you should think about yourself, your feelings and desires, and decide what you want - to break off the relationship or try to heal them together.

Have you been cheated on?

Why do men cheat? | GQ Russia

We are increasingly trying to move away from gender stereotypes. However, some of them are so firmly stuck in our heads that they are perceived rather as hard facts. The constant betrayal of men is just such an axiom. It is generally accepted that gentlemen forget about fidelity in relationships much more often than ladies. Although this is not entirely true. The Levada Center, the same one that conducts regular social surveys, found out that it is acceptable for 34% of men and 16% of women to have partners on the side.

Apparently, not all husbands are ready to cheat. But there are twice as many men who are loyal to cheating than women. Why is this happening?

Psychotherapist and sexologist Keith Moyle says: “The reasons for infidelity are completely different and often unique to a particular situation. However, there are several main factors that push people to cheat. They can apply to both women and men, but they concern the latter in the first place.

Idealistic moods

Even the most beautiful women in the world have been cheated on. Beyoncé, Victoria Beckham and dozens of other equally irresistible girls experienced betrayal. Kate Moyle believes that it's all about the doubts of men. "Well, where we do not. Looking at other relationships, many men think that in them women care more about their partners. Over time, the disadvantaged more and more feel that they are not treated well enough. This often leads to unpleasant consequences.

Fear of commitment

Probably things are not so simple in your relationship and you want to unwind a little. And betrayal is not the most acceptable, but a very effective way to get new impressions. At this moment, you do not think about problems or omissions. You just get pleasant emotions by doing something forbidden. At such moments, you are akin to a child painting the wall with pencils while no one sees him. At first you enjoy the process, and then you are terribly afraid of punishment.

Confirmation of male power

Men's infidelity is talked about so often that it seems that for many they have become the norm, an integral part of a real male's lifestyle and a direct confirmation of his dignity. “Society has turned men into some kind of sex machines that, according to some very strange statistics, think about intercourse every seven seconds. Of course, they want to live up to high expectations, says Moyle, but in reality, the only thing betrayal is evidence of is immaturity.

Many possibilities

Only the CIA can control what we do online. And no matter how vigilant your girlfriend is, she will never find out about all your manipulations on the network. “Thanks to the Internet, we have constant access to an unlimited number of people with whom we can communicate. And not only communicate. Users have the opportunity to flirt without direct contact with people, to engage in sexting. Therefore, if earlier, in order to cheat, men had to pretend that they work until night, now they just need to unlock the phone.

Low self-esteem

What could be more intriguing than the realization that you are attracted to someone? And even if you are already in a relationship, both women and men always want to feel welcome. It makes you look at yourself in a new way, gives you a reason to become more confident in yourself. Only here is the reverse side of this medal, too. It's unfortunate, but the attention of even a random person can lead to infidelity, no matter how good your current relationship is.

Lack of attention

All people set priorities for themselves in life. When you are young and ambitious, your biggest concern is usually your career. Because of this, relationships suffer, on which not enough time and effort is spent. So, succeeding at work, you often forget about your partner, who may lack your care and attention. It is logical that in this case he would want to get it from someone else. This, of course, is unfortunate, but not surprising.

Things to remember if you are thinking about cheating

In such a situation, you need to take care not only about your desires, but also about the consequences of their implementation. When it comes to cheating, you most often think about yourself, about your soulmate; the feelings of a third party involved in the process are rarely considered. Although they can also be affected. “When people cheat, most often they are pursuing short-term gain. You need to compare the pros and cons when you decide on this,” Moyle advises.

As a rule, betrayal gives impetus to a whole series of problems that will roll like a snowball. All omissions and discontent will immediately surface. And what to do with all this is up to you. In part, cheating can be considered a great strategic move: thanks to it, you can take the relationship to a new level or end it once and for all.

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