Why are some people narcissistic

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Traits, Causes, Treatment

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have an exaggerated sense of their importance. They also desire external praise and attention. Therapy can help them manage their symptoms.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which people have an inflated opinion of themselves. They also have an intense need for the admiration and attention of others.

People with NPD may be unhappy and disappointed when they don’t receive the praise or special favors they believe they deserve. Others may see them as snobbish and conceited and may not enjoy being around them.

NPD can cause problems in many areas of a person’s life, including:

work

school
relationships

NPD may affect up to 6.2% of the population and is slightly more common in men than women. People with NPD can manage the disorder with talk therapy and certain lifestyle changes.

People with NPD are usually described as:

arrogant
self-centered
demanding

They often have high self-esteem and may believe they’re special or superior to others. However, they seem to need excessive praise and admiration and may react poorly to perceived criticism.

Narcissists also tend to exaggerate their talents and accomplishments while downplaying those of others. They’re usually preoccupied with power, success, and beauty. They might even engage in impulsive behaviors, such as gambling or certain sexual behaviors.

Some traits of NPD may appear similar to confidence, but healthy confidence and NPD aren’t the same.

People with healthy self-esteem are usually humble, while people with NPD seldom are. They tend to put themselves on a pedestal and perceive themselves as better than everyone else.

Overt narcissism vs. covert narcissism
There are two subtypes of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD): overt and covert.
Overt and covert narcissism share many of the same traits and symptoms, but people with these subtypes may interact with others in different ways. People with covert narcissism are more likely to have traits not typically associated with NPD, such as shyness and low self-esteem.

NPD usually appears in early adulthood.

People with the disorder may not recognize that they have a problem since having a problem goes against their self-image. You may have NPD if:

you come across as pretentious and boastful, causing others to avoid you
your relationships are unfulfilling
you become unhappy, angry, and confused when things don’t go your way
you have ongoing issues with:
- work
- school
- relationships
- finances
- alcohol
- drugs

If you believe you have NPD, schedule an appointment with a doctor or mental health professional. They can determine whether you have this personality disorder and suggest treatments to help you manage your symptoms.

The causes of NPD aren’t well-understood.

Genetics are thought to be at least partly responsible for many cases of NPD. Contributing environmental factors may include:

childhood abuse or neglect
excessive parental pampering
unrealistic expectations from parents

According to a 2021 study, research is mixed on whether narcissism is more common in individualistic cultures than in collectivistic cultures.

Doctors and mental health professionals often use the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition, text revision (DSM-5-TR),” published by the American Psychiatric Association, to diagnose mental health conditions, such as NPD.

The DSM-5-TR diagnostic criteria for NPD include the following traits:

having an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement
needing constant admiration and praise
expecting special treatment due to perceived superiority
exaggerating achievements and talents
reacting negatively to criticism
being preoccupied with fantasies about power, success, and beauty
taking advantage of others
having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of other people
behaving in an arrogant manner

A doctor or mental health professional may ask you to fill out a questionnaire to help determine whether you meet these criteria. They may also test you for other mental disorders and health conditions.

Treatment for NPD primarily consists of talk therapy, also known as psychotherapy.

If symptoms of NPD occur alongside depression or another mental health condition, you may take medications to treat the other condition. There are no medications to treat NPD.

Talk therapy

Talk therapy can help you learn how to relate better to others so your relationships can become more enjoyable, intimate, and rewarding. Developing positive interactions with other people can greatly improve various areas of your life.

Talk therapy can also show you how to:

improve collaboration with your co-workers and peers
maintain personal relationships
recognize your strengths and potential so you can tolerate criticisms or failures

understand and manage your feelings
cope with any self-esteem issues
set realistic goals for yourself

Since personality traits can be difficult to change, it may take several years of therapy before you see an improvement. During this time, you may begin to see therapy as a waste of time and be tempted to quit. However, it’s important to stick with it. You can connect to a mental health professional using the Healthline FindCare tool.

Attend all your therapy sessions and take any medications as directed. With time, you may see a difference in yourself and your relationships with others.

Lifestyle changes

The following lifestyle changes may help you as you go through therapy:

Avoid substances that may trigger problematic behaviors.
Identify and pursue healthy habits.
Engage in relaxation techniques such as yoga and meditation to help reduce stress and anxiety.

The benefits of treatment may vary depending on your symptoms’ severity and your willingness to commit to treatment.

In general, symptoms of NPD usually improve over time, though successful treatment takes time and can be challenging.

If you stay motivated and actively work toward change, you’ll likely be able to repair damaged relationships and become more content with your everyday life.

While it can be challenging to treat NPD, you can work through it. Seeing a therapist or psychologist for counseling can be very helpful, as can changing how you think and interact with others daily.

Remember that you’re in charge of your behavior, and you can change it anytime.

Q:

How can I maintain healthy boundaries with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder?

A Healthline reader

A:

If you suspect you may be in a relationship with someone with NPD, the following are ways in which you may maintain healthy boundaries:

Be cognizant of patterns of gaslighting and other forms of abuse.
Vocalize your boundaries and expectations.
Maintain your self-care.
Don’t engage in emotional warfare or their tendency to put others down while putting themselves on a pedestal.
Reach out to other people you trust and get informed on how to identify abusive tendencies and treatment.

Kendra Kubala, PsyDAnswers represent the opinions of our medical experts. All content is strictly informational and should not be considered medical advice.

There’s some debate among professionals about how to handle a person with NPD.

Feel free to praise them when they do something right or well.

Convey empathy when appropriate, and acknowledge when they’re disappointed. Conversely, you should also feel free to point out to the person when they’re acting haughty or rude.

Be prepared for arguments based on your “calling them out.” Also keep in mind that if the individual with NPD doesn’t realize that their behaviors are causing problems, they’re less motivated to seek help.

Even if the person with NPD doesn’t see the problem, or chooses not to seek therapy to modify their behavior, calling them out on their behavior may cause them to self-regulate in your presence, knowing that you won’t tolerate their behavior.

Read this article in Spanish.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Traits, Causes, Treatment

People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) have an exaggerated sense of their importance. They also desire external praise and attention. Therapy can help them manage their symptoms.

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder in which people have an inflated opinion of themselves. They also have an intense need for the admiration and attention of others.

NPD can cause problems in many areas of a person’s life, including:

work
school
relationships

NPD may affect up to 6.2% of the population and is slightly more common in men than women. People with NPD can manage the disorder with talk therapy and certain lifestyle changes.

People with NPD are usually described as:

arrogant
self-centered
demanding

They often have high self-esteem and may believe they’re special or superior to others. However, they seem to need excessive praise and admiration and may react poorly to perceived criticism.

Some traits of NPD may appear similar to confidence, but healthy confidence and NPD aren’t the same.

People with healthy self-esteem are usually humble, while people with NPD seldom are. They tend to put themselves on a pedestal and perceive themselves as better than everyone else.

Overt narcissism vs. covert narcissism
There are two subtypes of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD): overt and covert.
Overt and covert narcissism share many of the same traits and symptoms, but people with these subtypes may interact with others in different ways. People with covert narcissism are more likely to have traits not typically associated with NPD, such as shyness and low self-esteem.

NPD usually appears in early adulthood.

People with the disorder may not recognize that they have a problem since having a problem goes against their self-image. You may have NPD if:

you come across as pretentious and boastful, causing others to avoid you
your relationships are unfulfilling
you become unhappy, angry, and confused when things don’t go your way
you have ongoing issues with:
- work
- school
- relationships
- finances
- alcohol
- drugs

The causes of NPD aren’t well-understood.

Genetics are thought to be at least partly responsible for many cases of NPD. Contributing environmental factors may include:

childhood abuse or neglect
excessive parental pampering
unrealistic expectations from parents

According to a 2021 study, research is mixed on whether narcissism is more common in individualistic cultures than in collectivistic cultures.

The DSM-5-TR diagnostic criteria for NPD include the following traits:

having an inflated sense of self-importance and entitlement
needing constant admiration and praise
expecting special treatment due to perceived superiority
exaggerating achievements and talents
reacting negatively to criticism
being preoccupied with fantasies about power, success, and beauty
taking advantage of others
having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of other people
behaving in an arrogant manner

Treatment for NPD primarily consists of talk therapy, also known as psychotherapy.

If symptoms of NPD occur alongside depression or another mental health condition, you may take medications to treat the other condition. There are no medications to treat NPD.

Talk therapy

Talk therapy can also show you how to:

improve collaboration with your co-workers and peers
maintain personal relationships
recognize your strengths and potential so you can tolerate criticisms or failures
understand and manage your feelings
cope with any self-esteem issues
set realistic goals for yourself

Attend all your therapy sessions and take any medications as directed. With time, you may see a difference in yourself and your relationships with others.

Lifestyle changes

The following lifestyle changes may help you as you go through therapy:

Avoid substances that may trigger problematic behaviors.
Identify and pursue healthy habits.
Engage in relaxation techniques such as yoga and meditation to help reduce stress and anxiety.

The benefits of treatment may vary depending on your symptoms’ severity and your willingness to commit to treatment.

In general, symptoms of NPD usually improve over time, though successful treatment takes time and can be challenging.

If you stay motivated and actively work toward change, you’ll likely be able to repair damaged relationships and become more content with your everyday life.

While it can be challenging to treat NPD, you can work through it. Seeing a therapist or psychologist for counseling can be very helpful, as can changing how you think and interact with others daily.

Remember that you’re in charge of your behavior, and you can change it anytime.

Q:

How can I maintain healthy boundaries with someone who has narcissistic personality disorder?

A Healthline reader

A:

If you suspect you may be in a relationship with someone with NPD, the following are ways in which you may maintain healthy boundaries:

Be cognizant of patterns of gaslighting and other forms of abuse.
Vocalize your boundaries and expectations.
Maintain your self-care.
Don’t engage in emotional warfare or their tendency to put others down while putting themselves on a pedestal.
Reach out to other people you trust and get informed on how to identify abusive tendencies and treatment.

Kendra Kubala, PsyDAnswers represent the opinions of our medical experts. All content is strictly informational and should not be considered medical advice.

There’s some debate among professionals about how to handle a person with NPD.

Feel free to praise them when they do something right or well.

Convey empathy when appropriate, and acknowledge when they’re disappointed. Conversely, you should also feel free to point out to the person when they’re acting haughty or rude.

Read this article in Spanish.

Narcissists: who they are, signs of narcissism, rules of conduct

The article was checked and commented by clinical psychologist and scientific researcher Christina Andreyuk.

Who is
How to recognize
Men and women
Types
Treatment
How to communicate
How to leave

Who is a narcissist?

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Narcissism is a feature of the psyche in which a person perceives himself as a unique individual, considers himself better than others, which is not always true. In fact, these traits are present in the character of many people. In a healthy personality, they result in ambition and a desire to please. But under a certain scenario, laid down in childhood, such behavior can turn into a pathology, which is often accompanied by other diagnoses, such as bipolar disorder and depression.

Contrary to popular belief, people with narcissistic personality disorder do not like themselves very much. Rather, they admire their grandiose projection, which allows them to close gaps in their own self-esteem. Such protection allows narcissists to avoid deep feelings and self-doubt. A person with this disorder does not tolerate minimal criticism, he perceives remarks as a personal insult and is able to throw a tantrum if someone refuses to admire him. You can check how narcissistic traits are characteristic of you or your partner using the NPI questionnaire [1]. The more positive answers a person gives to statements from the list compiled by American psychologists and researchers Robert Raskin and Howard Terry, the more narcissistic features appear in him. Meeting people with a true personality disorder is not easy. According to various sources, their number in society varies from 1 to 6%.

How to recognize a narcissist?

According to the American psychiatrists' handbook "Diagnostical and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" [2], there are nine signs of narcissistic personality disorder. If at least five of these are present, a doctor may suspect a disorder. Usually such a person:

Has an inflated sense of self-importance. He often exaggerates his achievements and talents. Expects people to admire his actions, even if they were minor. If the narcissist organized the cleaning of the yard, then at least the district newspaper should write about it.
Preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, beauty, or ideal love. To each new partner, the narcissist can say that he is the love of his life or wait for him to fulfill his fantasies. The beginning of such a relationship is a magical, but short period. In work, the narcissist, according to him, is a genius. If he has not been able to achieve great results, he is simply sure that success lies ahead of him, even if it is time for him to retire.
Believes that he is not like others and has few equals. Therefore, the environment must match. The narcissist chooses “special” people as friends and partners, for example, with high social status or model appearance. Thus, he seems to reflect himself through them, because his problems are unique and can only be understood by special people. Narcissists like to be associated with big brands, whether it be in their work projects or clothing choices.
Requires constant attention, recognition and admiration, even if you just took out the trash or cooked dinner.
Absolutely sure that everyone owes him. Expectations for other people are usually very high. Close people are obliged to fulfill the requests of the narcissist at the first call.
Uses other people to achieve his own goals. For him, it goes without saying. The narcissist is not used to sincerely thanking for services and does it only within the framework of the accepted ethical norm.
It is difficult for him to experience empathy. Such people are not able to draw a parallel between their feelings and the feelings of others. Therefore, the narcissist does not even think about when he hurts someone. Very often, this behavior is mistaken for abuse by partners of narcissists. In fact, he may be concerned with how to hide the shame of his failure and not lose his greatness.
Often jealous of others and believes that others envy him. In the latter case, it is by this circumstance that the narcissist explains the criticism of others in his address.
Arrogant towards other people. Such a person absolutely sincerely believes that he is better than others, and other people's shortcomings are an excellent reason to assert himself.

To decide to end a relationship with a narcissist, write down the reasons for breaking up and keep the list with you

Men and women are narcissists disorder in one form or another, men are more likely to be affected by this disorder than women. The data were collected over a period of 30 years, and the percentage ratio between the sexes did not change much during this time [3].

In doing so, the researchers noted two important points. First, male narcissists were more likely than females to exploit others and believe they were entitled to certain privileges. Secondly, men were more likely to seek power. Scientists explain this by the fact that until recently, leadership qualities did not meet the criteria for femininity. According to one of the authors of the study, Emily Grijalva, girls are more often criticized for aggressiveness and authoritarianism. Thus, society unconsciously suppressed manifestations of narcissistic behavior [4].

As regards vanity and striving for a bright self-presentation, in this respect there was no significant difference between men and women.

Types of narcissists and how they are formed

There are different approaches to the formation of narcissism, including studies that allow for genetic influence, but this is not a decisive factor in the formation of personality.

In 1914, Sigmund Freud stated that children somehow go through a stage of primary narcissism. He believed that this was an intermediate stage of growing up, but later he singled out other forms of narcissism, to a greater extent associated with mental disorders.

Neuro-Freudian Karen Horney argued that the development of such character traits may be due to the fact that parents in various ways pushed the child to create psychological protection. For example, they could delegate the embodiment of their ambitions or rejected the real manifestations of the child, instilling a sense of inferiority.

The contribution of parental figures to the formation of narcissistic disorder is also noted by psychotherapist and researcher Otto Kernberg. He compares narcissism with a false prop that a person erects in order to receive from others the admiration and confidence that he did not receive from his parents in childhood and cannot give himself in adulthood [5].

In the book of psychologist Elinor Greenberg "Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: the pursuit of Love Admiration and Safety" [6], the author divides narcissists into three types:

Open, or grandiose. Embodied stereotype. A bright character illustrating this feature of development and behavior. His whole being screams, "Look at me." This childish behavior indicates that a person is stuck at an age when adults pay a lot of attention to the child, praise him excessively, suggest that he is special, forgetting to teach him empathy.
Hidden or depressive. Such people can grow up in families where one of the relatives, including mother or father, was a narcissist. At the same time, there was a high level of competition for love and attention. On the one hand, children copied the behavior model of narcissistic parents, on the other hand, such a child formed protective mechanisms, since an adult narcissist would certainly assert himself at his expense. Growing up, such people may not openly say that they are special. They would rather choose a person, a book, an object and exalt their virtues. Thus, the narcissist puts them on a par with himself. In personal relationships, such people do not like direct conflicts. Their weapon is passive aggression. A favorite technique is to promise and not deliver, and then blame the other person for everything. They tend to be insecure, and ambivalent behavior often leads them to depression.
Perverse or toxic. Such people go even further. They love not only admiration, but also submission. Narcissists of this type love to wreak havoc around themselves, the same that reigned in their childhood in relationships with their parents. These narcissists often give their partners an emotional rollercoaster of humiliation and praise. They take pleasure in destroying other people's careers, destroying people morally and spiritually.

Mixed representatives of these types also exist.

Treatment for Narcissism

Most often, narcissists do not even suspect that something is wrong with them, because they do not tend to blame themselves for something. So if such people were seen by a specialist, then the reason for this could be related problems: depression, bipolar disorder, or excessive alcohol consumption. There is no cure for narcissism yet. Psychotherapy has a positive effect on such patients. Properly structured classes can help a person establish relationships with loved ones, learn to withstand criticism, stop despising themselves and others, set realistic goals and achieve them, and not dream of sky-high heights [7].

Although there is no cure for narcissism yet, psychotherapy has a positive effect

How to communicate with a narcissist?

Building an even relationship with a narcissist is not always easy. Some prefer to just cut them off. But what if this is not possible? Let's say that person is a family member or ex-husband/wife with whom you have children in common.

The first thing psychologists advise is to try to detach yourself emotionally. Ignore toxic statements and manipulations. It is useless to expect sudden changes in behavior from such people. According to research, narcissists do not tend to learn from their own mistakes simply because they are sure they did not make them [8].
Your personal boundaries are your guard against the actions of a narcissist. “This won’t happen to me anymore”, “I won’t fall for these manipulations” - phrases that will help to avoid an unpleasant conversation or intrusive requests of a narcissist. You can't wait for a response.
The shortest possible answers, conditionally “yes” and “no”, are your main allies in a dialogue with such a person if he began to resort to manipulation. By minimizing communication, you give him much less reason to hook on to some phrase and launch an attack.
Stick to the topic of conversation and don't get sidetracked. Perhaps your counterpart will try to knock you out of the saddle with accusations or get personal. In this case, the phrase “We are going off topic” will help bring the discussion back on track.
Compliments. If you really need to get something out of a narcissist, don't be stingy with praise. Most likely, he will even enjoy fulfilling your request. Yes, this is manipulation, but who said that only a narcissist can use this technique?

How to get away from a narcissist

The end of a relationship is never easy. With a narcissist, breaking up can be doubly difficult. For him, the fact that he was abandoned is an intolerable insult. That is why he will try by hook or by crook to bring the partner back. During this period, he will become sensitive and gentle, will swear eternal love and will do this until his victim loses his vigilance. Often, therefore, relationships with a narcissist develop into a cycle of breaks and reunions. Nevertheless, if you decide to put an end to your communication, psychologists recommend the following:

Write down the reasons why you want to leave. It's best to keep this list around in case the narcissist decides to drag you back into the relationship by talking about eternal love.
Give up illusions. It is difficult for such people to change, especially without the help of a specialist. Do you have time to wait until he finally learns to show empathy and respect?
Break all contacts. Ask a friend to pick up your belongings from the narcissist. Block this person in all phones and messengers. If you have children in common, at first ask someone close to you to be with you at general meetings.
Release your feelings. Breaking up, even with a toxic person, is always hard. Give yourself time to get over this situation. Just don't expect the narcissist to suffer in return. Most likely, during this period, he will try to restore his shattered ego and will choose not the most pleasant ways for this: either he will tell everyone what a bad person you are, or seek solace in the arms of someone else.

There are nine signs of narcissism, but five signs can already be suspected of it

Kristina Andreyuk, clinical psychologist, researcher. Research interests: mentalization, manipulative behavior, personality disorders

In addition to family relationships, external factors can also enhance narcissistic traits. Media and social networks broadcast often unattainable ideals, and self-improvement services are imposed by advertising. All this can affect the psyche.

In "normal narcissism" people try to please others, to achieve success in work, which helps them to adapt in society. However, in the case of pathology, a person's ideas about themselves are distorted. In this case, the emphasis is on the grandiosity of his figure. He experiences difficulties in forming adequate ideas about other people, abuses manipulations, grossly violates the boundaries of the interlocutor and ignores his comfort. Narcissistic features can manifest themselves in pathological perfectionism, hypochondria, constant attempts to correct their "flaws", including, for example, transforming one's appearance as the most noticeable attribute of self-presentation for others.

On the surface, narcissists give the impression of being rather pleasant people. According to research, many socially active narcissists have charisma, know how to hold an audience, are not afraid to express themselves, appear self-confident, and have high claims regarding academic and professional achievements. These qualities often show up in job interviews and help narcissists get into leadership positions. However, such bosses may use too subjective criteria when evaluating employees, focusing not on their professional achievements, but on the degree of admiration, devotion, and the absence of doubts about the correctness of the leader's decisions.

Close relationships are difficult for narcissists. In partners and friends, they are primarily looking for confirmation of their exclusivity, superiority (which reinforces vulnerable self-esteem). Often, such people confuse the attachment that accompanies healthy partnerships and collaborations with the addiction that can shackle and inspire fear. The demands of constant adoration and recognition of their grandiosity, which the narcissist often implements in the form of excessive control over the thoughts and feelings of a partner, in most cases, sooner or later are not fully satisfied, which leads to conflicts and increased manipulative behavior.

If you have found any manifestations of narcissistic traits in yourself and want to change them, then it will be useful for you to develop the skills of self-reflection, mentalization (understanding mental states), work on the development of emotional intelligence, empathy (for example, discuss with friends the films you have watched, read books in terms of understanding the inner world of the characters, their motivation, etc.). It is very important to learn to analyze what is happening from different positions, without sliding into extreme points, such as, for example, idealization and depreciation - look for alternative explanations. Try to look at situations or actions from different angles, noting the possible positive aspects of seemingly negative events, including during conversations with loved ones.

If your loved one has narcissistic traits, you need to learn how to track the emotional states of both you and your interlocutor. It is necessary to soberly analyze situations of interpersonal communication. For example, learning to recognize imposed guilt requires being able to maintain your boundaries and autonomy of choice. Psychotherapeutic help will be useful in both cases.

Tags: psychology

Daffodils are among us. Psychology of narcissism

The term narcissism in psychology appeared quite a long time ago, in the time of Z. Freud, and got its name from the mythological youth Narcissus, who was in love with his reflection in the water and died unable to take his eyes off his reflection. He never managed to love anyone but himself. Despite what has been known about narcissism for so long, there are still quite a few narcissists in the modern world, and we still encounter them in our family, at work, among friends, and we can also notice signs of narcissism in ourselves.

Narcissists are people who look arrogant, present themselves as having exclusive rights, demanding special treatment, but at the same time inside they are very insecure, vulnerable people with incredibly fragile self-esteem. This amazingly coexists in one person. Grandiosity and uncertainty coexist in one person when grandiosity, arrogance are protective formations, that is, in fact, a person does not feel his greatness and even his value, he feels insecure, insignificant and tries to feel better by showing only achievements and various attributes of its exclusivity. When we deal with a person with such problems, we may assume that he has narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder.

The main problem of the narcissist is that he does not really feel significant, good, deserving of love, he constantly needs to achieve something special, “increase” his significance, confirm exclusivity, stand out from other people, otherwise he feels very bad. This can be expressed in the fact that he will reach more and more heights, but he cannot feel pleasure from this, there is only temporary satisfaction and then again emptiness and everything must be repeated again and again. Even a little criticism from outside can dilute their sense of satisfaction from what they have done, comparison with others can destroy their own significance with incredible ease. Not always the achievements that the narcissist talks about are real achievements, sometimes it's just bragging from scratch, so strong is his need to seem more significant than he is.

The causes of such problems lie in early childhood. One of them is when, in a relationship with a mother, a child does not receive the support, understanding and love he needs, and not finding such an understanding and loving person and not learning to love from him, he gives up trying to find this love from another person and redirects his love to himself. . He seems to be saying: “Well, then I don’t need anyone, I will love myself.” But in fact, it is quite difficult to give up the desire to have loving and understanding parents, a person still needs good, idealized parents, but since real parents did not justify his trust, as if they betrayed him, a person in return unconsciously forms an ideal image in his psyche, an ideal self-image (ideal version of a person) to which it aspires. From this comes the unconscious desire for achievement, greatness, grandiosity.

The second reason also comes from childhood - it occurs when a small child is given tasks about achievements, they decide what he should achieve, without taking into account his abilities, desires and needs, the child's individuality is ignored, it seems to him that he will be loved only for certain achievements . Such a child is for his parents their narcissistic continuation, very often the child is told that he needs to achieve what the parent could not, or his achievements are boasted to other people. In such a situation, the child develops a false self, a false idea of himself, he does not know what he really is, and, as an adult, he also continues to follow parental attitudes, essentially living a life that is not his own.

Such neglect of the child's personality hurts him very deeply, sometimes so much that it is no longer possible to build normal relationships with other people, on an unconscious level, relationships are a great danger for him, people are felt as unreliable, capable only of betrayal, use and lies. Sometimes narcissists cannot build an ideal image even in themselves, they can only idealize the bad, because there was so little good that it was not possible to keep it in the psyche. In this case, we will be surprised when faced with such a narcissist, why is he so aggressive, angry, why is he destroying himself and everything around.

If, nevertheless, relations with narcissists develop, then it is not easy with them, because of their childish resentment and unconscious attitude to love themselves and not need other people, it can be difficult for a narcissist to form warm, mutual relationships. In a relationship, he is looking for a person who will reflect him, admire him. He needs mirror people or people who have status in society or are admired. He needs them to emphasize his significance and greatness. It often happens that a narcissist chooses a person for external data or other successes and is not able to notice, appreciate his inner world and his feelings. This can hurt his spouse or partner very much. Some narcissists are lonely because they can't find the perfect person to suit them, or they can't let someone close enough to them without feeling uncomfortable. Unconsciously, they do not allow themselves to need anyone.

Many narcissists are interesting, successful and even talented people, but from time to time their loved ones will notice that they are being manipulated, the narcissist uses them for his own purposes. It can sometimes just be felt when, in dealing with a narcissist, you lose a sense of self-confidence and it seems that all your successes and dignity do not matter. It is very difficult for a narcissist to succeed and be superior to other people, their self-esteem drops greatly in such cases, and in order to restore their self-esteem they need to devalue the successes and achievements of those they envy. Narcissists tend to be jealous and often feel ashamed, the worst of which is because of their imperfection. If the narcissist's self-esteem is severely hurt, then narcissistic rage, anger and hatred of incredible strength can be encountered.

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