When a narcissist wants you back
Why does the narcissist want you back? | by narsistsiz | Psychology & Self healing
Photo by lalesh aldarwish from PexelsNarcissists and other manipulators can try to win you back even after you cut them out of your life. In fact, they can do that even if they were the one who ended the relationship.
So, why does the narcissist return? Is it because they love you or miss you? Neither. Narcissistic people return because they’re suffering from malnutrition. What do I mean by nutrition? Attention, affection, sex, money… Perhaps they were able to fill the hole you left behind with new relationships, new friends and places for a while. But the hole inside their heart is so large that they can never truly fill it. So they feel the need to include you once again. After all, you were once a resource that offered them whatever they needed to a certain extent.
On the other hand, perhaps the narcissist doesn’t even want you back. They may be pretending like they want you back just to get a reaction out of you, just to see if they still have some power over you, if they can still control you. Seeing that they’re still able to control your emotions will make them feel powerful.
And when it comes to getting you back, they have dozens of methods. Here are some of them:
· Begging and crying: They can tell you that they’ve been crying all the time ever since you left them, they couldn’t enjoy life without you and that they didn’t know what to do with themselves anymore.
· Apologizing: As I mentioned in my previous article, narcissistic people don’t like to apologize and some of them never do it. But ‘covert narcissists’ can apologize if it serves them well in the long run, so they can apologize to win you back and guarantee that the same things will not happen again if you accept them back into your life.
· Using your need for intimacy: They can tell you how much they missed holding you, sleeping with you.
· Telling you that they need help: They can tell you that they’re unwell and that they need you by their side or they’re in trouble and you’re the only person who can help them. Whatever they’re supposedly going through, they make sure to highlight that only you can help them with it. For example; I had a huge fight with my family and you’re the only person I can talk to about this because only you could understand.
· Telling you that they’re worried about you: They try to make it look like they’re concerned about your well-being and not their own. You can hear things like I’m so worried about you, I have a bad feeling inside me as if something bad is going to happen to you, I want to be there for you and protect you.
· Saying that they wish to remain friends: Even if this is a genuine request -which probably isn’t- why would you want to be friends with a narcissist?
· Dragging your friends, your family and even your children into it: They can try to reach you by using someone who could side with them.
Even if that person is your child.
· Pretending like the relationship isn’t over: I know this one sounds absurd but this really is something narcissists do in order to win people back. If they were the one who ended the relationship, they can claim that they actually didn’t leave you for good, you’re exaggerating things, they just thought giving each other some space might be a good idea and that’s why they left. If you were the one who ended it, they can completely ignore your decision and continue texting and calling you like nothing happened. When you try to explain that you’re serious about this, they can tell you that this is just a phase, there’s no need to break up and that they think you just want to take a break. A narcissist is very good at ignoring the word ‘no’.
· Sending random texts and calling you ‘accidentally’: The main purpose is to remind you of themselves every once in a while. They can send you texts on special occasions like the Valentine’s, birthdays, religious festivals and so on in an attempt to stay in touch.
It’s also possible for them to send you texts just to try and make you jealous. For example, you can receive a text message saying something like ‘we’re meeting tonight, right?’ followed by ‘sorry, that was meant for someone else’. Their purpose is to get a reaction from you, either positive or negative. For a narcissist, there’s no difference at all. Both possibilities show that they’re not completely forgotten and that they can still make you feel something.
· Making promises: They can make so many promises and tell you things like this time, everything will be different and so much better. They can do this in a theatrical and exaggerated manner. If the narcissist is a man, this promise can also be a marriage proposal.
· Giving presents: As I mentioned in my article about the idealization phase, sometimes a narcissist chooses to spoil you with gifts. They can do the same thing while trying to win you back.
After all, all those gifts and sweet talk were enough to sweep you off your feet once. Why wouldn’t it work now? In fact, perhaps they’re waiting for the Valentine’s to do just that.
· Guilt tripping you: The narcissist can say that they would never do this to you. They can accuse you of being selfish and only thinking about yourself. Narcissists are quite good at making you feel like the flaws in their characters are actually the flaws in yours.
· Emotional blackmail: “You hurt me so much.You broke my heart. You left me alone. I know I was wrong but you abandoned me. If you truly loved me, you would give me another chance.” By saying things like that, they can try to use your feelings against you to win you back.
· Accusing you of something you never did: For instance, they can accuse you of being unfaithful. If you try to clear your name by explaining the truth, they win.
Because they’ve already received the reaction they wanted.
· Yelling and threatening: If the other methods don’t work, the narcissist can lose control. They can yell at you, and even threaten you. Try to frighten you by saying things like if you don’t come back to me, there will be consequences. Don’t expect to see your children ever again. I’ll tell everyone what kind of person you are.
What happens once you accept them back?
It starts with the idealization phase again. You go back to the good old days. They tell you everything you ever wanted to hear. The arguments are over, the peaceful days have begun. By the time you feel like everything is finally perfect; they’ve already started getting bored and their dark side slowly returns.
And then while history is repeating itself, you find yourself trying to understand where you went wrong. Actually, nothing has to be wrong. You left and now you’re back, and you must be punished for that.
Especially if you were the one who ended the relationship the first time; now they have to end it themselves. They can’t let you have the upper hand. Even if you were not the one who ended it the first time, thing won’t be much different. After all, they can leave you anytime and then come back when they feel like it. Since you let it happen once, why wouldn’t you let it happen again? They know that they can win you back if they ever need you again. But there’s a third possibility. They never leave you. They keep you in an abusive cycle of idealization and then humiliation. That’s the worst thing to do.
Why would you return to them?
Now it’s time to be honest with ourselves because we may not like the answers.
· Maybe you didn’t want to be alone. So you chose an emotionally abusive relationship to loneliness.
· Maybe you were a victim of your own ego. You ignored their dark side by telling yourself things like, so they didn’t forget about me, they still love me.
· Maybe you genuinely believed that they have changed, and that you didn’t want everything you’ve done to save this relationship to go to waste.
· You’ve been hopelessly waiting for an apology from them or for them to admit that they were wrong.
· You can try to minimize your ordeal, try to justify the emotional abuse or deny it. Admitting that you’ve been used by a manipulator is quite hard; sometimes you can’t admit it even to yourself.
· You can feel responsible. You can try to save them and fix them. (Unfortunately, that’s not possible.)
· You could be worried about what other people might say. In a toxic relationship, majority of the abuse takes place within the house, away from prying eyes. So even your inner circle might be unable to see the problems in your relationship and accuse you of exaggerating things. You can choose to remain silent because you’re afraid of others’ reactions or because you don’t want to look like the bad guy.
Did you somehow convince yourself and decide to give them another chance? Then welcome back to the emotional and psychological abuse.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
https://narsistsiz.com/why-does-the-narcissist-want-you-back/
References:
Psych Central. “Research Finds That Narcissists Try To Remain Friends With Their Exes For Darker Reasons”. Access 9 August, 2018. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recovering-narcissist/2018/08/research-finds-that-narcissists-try-to-remain-friends-with-their-exes-for-darker-reasons/.
Elephant Journal. “How to Know if Someone is Hoovering You”. Access 12 January, 2016. https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/01/how-to-know-if-someone-is-hoovering-you/.
7 Things Your Narcissist Says To Get You Back
7 Things Your Narcissist Says To Get You Back
We are all vibrational beings and this is how we attract people and situations.
We are told that what we put out we get back, be careful what you think this is what you attract.
I believe you saw the red flags and you ignored them.
You are now left so confused, the words leaving their mouth are leaving you with a weird feeling; you used to understand these messages, this knowing of what was right and wrong when something felt ‘off’.
As an Empath or Highly Intuitive person, you have an inner knowing but during this relationship, you turned it off. If you felt something intuitively wasn’t right and you mentioned it, you were told you were wrong or that you were too sensitive. You believed your intuition was wrong and now out of the relationship you have been left confused.
And this confusion continues to work for them; it’s easy to mistake their manipulation for a genuine desire to make things work, instead of a calculated manoeuvre it really is. Timed to perfection, they gain the attention they need and it also proves to them how powerful they are and that they still have control over your life.
This was a game – you didn’t have the rules…
And this part of the game is called Hoovering.
HOOVERING • The term used to describe being “sucked back in” following a DISCARD, just like a vacuum cleaner sucking up the dirt, the abuser attempts to get you back.
This is used during the DISCARD stage, to hook you back into the relationship, ensuring you are more focused on protecting the relationship than you are on yourself.
You might have been HOOVERED when you started to see who they really were, and what was going on. Or maybe you were QUESTIONING their behaviour, realising it wasn’t healthy. Perhaps when you were asking for guidance from friends and family.
The HOOVERING might have come at the end of the relationship if they sensed you were moving on; like a vampire, they came back in an attempt to hook you back in or drain you of the energy you have gained being away from them.
You were an OBJECT to them, something that they initially desired; so now they believe you belong to them and no one else is allowed to have you.
They changed their behaviour which gave you a false sense of security, and they allowed you to believe they really do love you, that they want you back and are the person you first met, your (MANUFACTURED) SOUL MATE.
These people are Master Manipulators, they are the consummate actors, putting on a mask and playing a role, hiding who they really are; some of the Red Flags would have been the mask dropping and you are catching a glimpse of their true character.
1. “We are Soul Mates, we are meant to be together”
They love the idea of being Soul Mates and they love the attention they get from this statement. During the HOOVERING stage they may tell you they are sorry for the pain they have caused you and that they didn’t mean it, they never meant to hurt you, or they didn’t realise how important you were until after this happened.
They beg for your forgiveness, for you to give them another chance, they love you and they can’t imagine living life without you.
They love to see people in pain, it gives them a sense of power and they have to be in control of everything.
What they are really saying is…
They hadn’t realised how important you were until they were caught out. And they now realised how easy it was to get the attention they need from you. They have now realised your quality of attention is superior to the other person, or that they need to be more careful not being caught out again. They have now realised how easy it is to manipulate you.
They haven’t managed to suck out your soul yet, so you still have something to give them.
2. “I’ve decided to get help”
Perhaps before they had drained you of everything, you saw the Red Flags. When their mask dropped and you got a sneaky peek of who they really were. You might have highlighted some of their bad behaviour and out of desperation, they declare you were right and they have been thinking about what you said, and they understand how important it is to you and because you are Soul Mates and they can’t imagine living without you they want to make this work, so they’ve decided to go to see someone to help with their (insert the problem here).
What they are really saying is…
They have realised their mask dropped and you saw who they really are, and this is a tactic to hoover you back in. They know as an Empath you will do anything in your power to help anyone, however, they have no intention of going to counselling or getting help, and they know you will, of course, want to help them. There may be tears (crocodile of course), and you believe they are sincere. They secure a new mask in place.
Then the cycle starts again. They take you back to the Idealisation stage where you start to feel more secure; you may ask them when they are going to make an appointment or who they are going to speak to about (fill in the blank), they make an excuse and over time you forget, feeling secure in the relationship…
WARNING • don’t go to counselling with them
3. “You can’t do this on your own”
You are trying to do the ‘no contact’ you have heard about, and you get a message saying they don’t know if they can live without you and you shouldn’t be going through this on your own… Let me help you, we should be together.
What they are really saying is…
They are checking in with you to see how much pain you are in, they don’t care what type of attention they get, good or bad, its attention and if they can see they have caused it; which is the icing on the cake with the cherry on top!
They have no intention of helping you in any way, these are empty words. Perhaps their new supply isn’t fully secured or they are getting attention and trying to prove to others what a decent caring person they are, ensuring you are OK (of course their story is you are crazy and need help, and they don’t mention to anyone the damage they have caused to you). So their new supply thinks ‘Wow what an amazing person’ and for them it’s win-win! They win attention from your pain and they win attention from their new supply.
4. “I met them before I met you!”
“Honestly there is nothing to be jealous of” – did you say you were jealous? Or were they mistaking your confusion and that gut feeling you have that something isn’t quite right in your relationship for jealousy?
‘You have trust issues, you had them before we met’ – did you? Or has it been the constant line of people you keep discovering in their life, who mean nothing to them… Or is it the constant flow of people they dangle in front of you to make you feel insecure?
“I met them before I met you”, “I met them when we were on a break, they won’t leave me alone, they are in love with me…”
Somehow they manage to turn this into your fault.
What they are really doing is…
They are triangulating you; creating drama and you feel sorry for them and forgive them, of course, this was all your fault! They make themselves look popular and they use this tactic to ensure you are more invested in the relationship that you are in yourself. They can then manipulate you further, and they use coercion techniques to get you to do what they want. You may feel you are not desirable enough and you may feel you need to work harder to please them.
5. “You are the only one who has ever understood me”
As an Empath you understand people on a different level. You might hear what isn’t being said and see peoples wounds. You very possibly saw a damaged inner child and you wanted to help them. You may have felt the pain emanating from the child and wanted to heal.
What they are really saying is…
You were the only one who ever understood them so far, when they move on they tell the new supply the same thing and they go on to explain the reasons you are no longer together listing a whole list of things, the new supply will do what you did and make a mental note of not to do these things and end up where you are.
Sound familiar? If you think about it you did the same thing.
They talk far too much about their exes and they do this to triangulate you. You see when they were checking in with their ex (see no 3 you can’t do this on your own) you saw this caring person, who didn’t want to hurt anyone and you believed that lie. They are now doing the same with their new supply. During these times they were purposely telling you why they were exes and you thought you had met this perfect person, what they were going was telling you what Angela did wrong and you make a mental note not to do that… And then they explain what Louise did wrong and you make a mental note; then there was Sarah, Sharon and Sally…
6. “I can’t put up with this anymore”
The Gaslighting that takes place is horrific, and you never really know what is coming next and you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells. This could be a trick you think they are discarding you, they may be using this to create drama and for you to beg them to stay, agree to do anything to change and not be discarded.
What they are really doing is…
This is another manipulation tactic they use to make sure you are more invested in the relationship. Once you are hooked in the relationship they shouldn’t have had to do much more than extract your energy, you should have been there just waiting for them to appear and grateful for any crumb they threw your way.
But they got a whiff of hmm what is that… Empowerment? Another persons scent, were they worried you were listening to others and they were going to unmasked? They can’t put up with your behaviour… Think about it!
You were supposed to be waiting for them, you were supposed to be under their influence, you were supposed to hand over power and control of your life.
What can’t they put up with? Turn that statement around, what they might be telling you is that they can’t play the role anymore and it is hard to keep the mask on. When you are no longer a good supply of energy or attention they get lazy and this is when you will get more glimpses of who they really are!
7.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you and I’m going to make it up to you”
They come back begging to be taken back, they didn’t mean it and they didn’t want to hurt you, and they want to prove that to you. They start to shower you again with gifts and flowers, they take you out for meals or away to prove how much you mean to them… And you start to get those feelings you had at the beginning of the relationship and being the person you are of course you can forgive them, and of course, you will take the blame for their behaviour, you realise that if you hadn’t behaved the way you did they wouldn’t have done (insert their behaviour). They remind you of the Fake Future you wanted together and that is all they really wanted.
What they are really saying is…
They haven’t finished with you yet! They aren’t letting you go while there is still life in you, and you are or were easy to extract attention from.
They know how to get you hooked back up and they also love the attention they get from being so generous and kind whilst doing it, again this is a win-win situation for them.
However they are lazy and they will have no intention of being caught again, they will be retracing their path, trying to understand where they went wrong, whilst thinking of how they are going to explain their disappearance to the other supply.
Behind that mask, they are furious with you for catching them out.
These aren’t real relationships they are fake, that is why you are hurting so much, it is like using something synthetic, a man-made fibre doesn’t feel the same as the real thing and it might irritate you…
When the Narcissist wants to hook you back into a relationship, they try to do it as quickly as possible; and with as little effort they can get away with, ideally, they aim to pick up where they left off. They know what buttons to push to get a reaction from you and they also know what words and actions to use to do this.
Like psychopaths, they plan every single thing they say and do meticulously.
These are just a few of the things you may hear if you have been discarded or if you have done the discarding.
I know you are in pain and when they try to contact you, you believe they really do love you, that they do want to change and yes, you are Soul Mates. Of course, they didn’t mean it and you believe it was all your fault, you may question everything if you had done or said something differently this wouldn’t have happened.
Believing you are jealous and insecure.
STOP!
Taking the steps of no contact are going to save your life and your sanity – this is a game, like a cat who is playing with a dead mouse, really uninterested but they have nothing better to do!
STOP!
This was always going to happen, it happened to all the other exes.
Those crazy exes don’t seem so crazy now do they?
For you to fully recover you need to remove yourself completely. You cannot stay friends with them.
And for you to claim back who you really are you need to implement ‘No Contact’ or ‘Grey Rock’ as quickly as possible.
Narcissists: why they always come back
“I see the goal, I believe in myself, I don’t notice any obstacles” – this is about narcissists.
They won't rest until they get what they want from you. Even if for this you need to sit in ambush or return for what you want again and again. Why is this happening?
You hurt his ego
Once you have managed to get rid of his or her control, your life is no longer in his power. He has lost his influence over you and cannot leave it like that. And so he returns, taking his entire arsenal of manipulation tools. Flattery, criticism, praise, cold detachment - narcissists are sure that what worked on you before will work this time.
Perhaps you broke up with a narcissist a long time ago and no longer communicate. You met someone, and he or she, according to rumors, did too. And suddenly you get a message with a simple: "Hello." Or, for example, a link to an article on a topic of interest to you. You're flattered: this person still remembers what you're into!
But be careful - this is not an innocent gesture at all. The narcissist wants you to re-like him, open up and become more vulnerable.
And when your defenses fall, it will take effect.
He needs you
A narcissist needs enthusiastic admirers as much as a vampire needs blood. So, if you managed to leave his "fan club", such a person will try to return you - otherwise his ego will suffer.
A PREDATOR IN AMBUSH
The narcissist does not come back into your life immediately after a breakup. No, he patiently waits until you forget what happened between you and how he behaved. If you're dating someone else after that, the narcissist will most likely wait until your new relationship falls apart so he can be right there and lend a shoulder. Maybe then you will go limp and decide to give him a second chance.
Such people instinctively know how to choose the right moment. Narcissists always have a plan. And every gesture they make is part of that plan. So, for example, a small gift from them is not a sign of attention and care, but a way to get to you and remind you of yourself.
How dangerous is the narcissist's repeated intrusion into your life? First of all, it poses a real threat to your emotional state and well-being.
Even if such a person pretends to have returned to support you, he is always driven by his own interest.
Narcissus at the door: what to do?
Try not to react at all. Of course, the narcissist prefers praise and admiration, but at worst, your negative emotions will do - he will have something to cling to. So do not lose your temper and do not enter into an open confrontation.
Do not open fire, because in the end it will turn against you. Even if it seems to you that you have tightly closed the door behind the narcissist, do not lose vigilance: he can return at any moment.
But by understanding how he works, what techniques he uses, what sore points he is likely to press, you can protect yourself and show the manipulator that you are no longer a victim.
Why does your toxic ex-partner insistently rush into your life
Have you ever wondered why the person who mistreated you tries so hard to re-enter your life after the relationship has ended? Why does your previously emotionally closed ex suddenly become very "open" when you left him? One of the biggest misconceptions is to think that the person has repented, loves you very much again and longs for a second chance.
Of course, someone can be friends with an ex, but when it comes to ending toxic relationships, the fantasy of establishing an idyllic friendship is far from the harsh reality.
Make no mistake: toxic partners don't miss you, they miss what they get from you.
If you are dealing with a toxic narcissist, then know that he just wants to regain control over you. Narcissists hate losing and failing, so they will do whatever it takes to rebuild some kind of connection. When they are rejected by a partner, they can experience real narcissistic trauma. Psychologists call this type of behavior "vacuuming" because the toxic partner is trying to "suck you back" into the whirlwind of the traumatic relationship.
Why are we reaching out to our toxic ex-partners again?
Why do we let them come back into our lives? The fact is that unhealthy relationships cause a strong biochemical attachment. Toxic love is literally like an addiction. Healing requires us to cut the umbilical cord that binds us to toxic ex-partners, but unfortunately, this is rarely that easy.
We tend to associate breakups and separations with our self-image, which tends to hinder recovery. The end of a relationship brings a banal feeling of insecurity, and the subsequent reunion with an ex, no matter how toxic, can provide temporary relief. Not to mention that we see his return as a sign that the ex-partner wants to redeem himself and reform. We hope for a better relationship, and this false hope causes us to make such a mistake.
So why are narcissists so eager to get back into your life?
If your toxic ex-partner is knocking on your door again, be on the lookout. This is a typical vacuum cleaner. What does he need from you?
1. The close relationship that binds you to him
Remember that the biochemical bond you form with toxic partners is highly addictive. Sex only strengthens this bond. An experienced narcissist knows this and will use this physical attraction to keep you from leaving the relationship.
2. You as a backup power source
The ex-partner may have already switched to a new power source, but this does not mean that he wants to give up on you too.
You are still valuable as a reserve. If you agree to this person's request to remain friends, be sure that he will use your good attitude and feed on your emotions.
3. Being friends with you as a sign of his normality
Being friends with a toxic ex-partner can make you believe that you are both mature people who can develop further, but the truth is that only one of you is really capable develop, and it's not a narcissist. He will use your friendship as a way to tell the world, “See how good I am? She still wants to be my friend."
4. To control you and keep you from going your own way
Many narcissists harass their former partners. This allows them to maintain control over your life and keep you from moving forward. As a result, you will not be able to completely “recover” from a toxic relationship, much less build new and healthy relationships. 5. To create love triangles . A sort of flirtatious friends, referred to as "just friends." Even after breaking up with you, he will definitely try to add you to his harem.
