What wrong with my relationship quiz

Is It Time to Leave Your Relationship? Love Quiz

When asked what advice he would give his younger self, Dr. Gottman said “Get out of bad relationships sooner.”

When asked what advice he would give his younger self, Dr. Gottman said “Get out of bad relationships sooner.”

When asked what advice he would give his younger self, Dr. Gottman said “Get out of bad relationships sooner.”

The idea that the love in your relationship has expired is a difficult thought for one to stomach. When love turns into hate and fondness into bitterness, and when negative sentiment override seems to be dominating your interactions, it’s likely a good time to question whether or not it’s worth staying in a relationship that simply may not be making you (or your partner) happy.

In these instances, the best thing partners can do is to walk away. When asked what advice Dr. John Gottman would give his younger self, he replied, “Get out of bad relationships sooner.”

Sometimes relationships get so turned around that you can’t tell if it’s time to leave or not. But your breakthrough research with thousands of couples discovered six telltale signs that can predict with over 94% accuracy whether a couple will break up within the next four years:

Sign #1: The Story of Us

The easiest way to tell if a relationship has passed its expiration date is to listen to the Story of Us couples share about their relationship’s history, philosophy, struggles, and achievements. If their memories are mostly positive, even with a fair dose of negativity regarding regrettable incidents, then there’s hope. But if negativity takes over—if it becomes difficult, even impossible, to remember the good times and couples focus only on the bad—then that’s what we call the “Story of Us Switch.”

Think of this as a light switch. When it is turned on, love fills the relationship with positive stories, keeping irritability and emotional distance in the closet, even if there are some difficulties. But when the light is turned off, negativity takes over and the Four Horsemen likely charge in constantly. This is when partners begin to assume the worst about each other.

We call this a switch because we rarely saw a range of memories in our research. Couples seemed to either have joyful memories (even with a mix of negativity), or entirely bitter ones.

Whether the light is turned on or off is determined by the cumulative trust or betrayal each partner remembers.

The future success of your relationship is determined by the way in which you tell your Story of Us. If your relationship has all five telltale signs below, it may be time to break up. In addition, the brief quiz at the end, adapted from the book “What Makes Love Last?” will give you a sense of whether to stay in your relationship or consider moving on.

Learn how to predict the future of your relationship in the all new Gottman Relationship Adviser

Gottman Assessment


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Gottman Relationship Adviser


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The Gottman Relationship Adviser, the world’s first complete relationship wellness tool for couples, takes the guesswork out of improving your relationship. Measure your relationship health with a research-based self-assessment, then receive a tailored digital relationship plan proven to heal and strengthen your connection.

Sign #2: Weak Fondness and Admiration

There is a major difference between couples who last and couples who separate. Happy couples tell their Story of Us with warmth, affection, and respect for each other.

Couples who break up tend to recall unfavorable first impressions with their partners. The words they use to describe their relationship feel cold. The story unhappy couples tell will focus on a major blowup rather than a fun time or happy memory.

Sign #3: Me-ness Dominates We-ness

Happy couples tell their stories with a sense of “we-ness,” or of solidarity. You get the feeling that they are “in this together.” Often their words show similar beliefs, values, and goals.

When the solidarity and togetherness is lost, partners often describe their history in a way that emphasizes how it affected them individually (“me-ness”), rather than as a couple. They prioritize getting what they want and ignore their partner’s needs.

Conflict is inevitable in every relationship. Unhappy couples become gridlocked by these arguments because they are focusing on me, not we. When they each try to win, they become trapped in the roach motel, where there is no solidarity in the relationship.

Sign #4: Impersonal Details of Partners

When couples have vivid and distinct memories of each other, it’s a sign that they understand and respect each other, and that they know each other well and do their best to be there for each other. It’s important to know what makes your partner sad or happy, or what your partner cares about.

Couples who lack this connection do not reminisce with humor or vivid memories. They talk about their history in an impersonal way, mentioning nothing specific about each other. It’s easy to hear that they have lost their Love Maps to each other’s hearts.

Sign #5: Relationship Struggles Push You Apart

Couples who talk about their history as chaotic are often unhappy. The stories they share are not about pulling together or learning from negative experiences, or of making light of them even if they were difficult at the time. It’s clear that the past troubles and conflicts did not strengthen their bond. It pushed them apart.

Happy couples, on the other hand, express with great pride their ability to overcome difficult times together. They glorify the struggle and talk about how it strengthened their bond. They were able to use it as a catalyst to grow closer together. When you talk to happy couples about the hardships they faced, you get a sense that they steered their own course together. These couples share profound meaning together and a life of purpose.

What matters is how couples interpret the negative and positive events in their history. Even if there are a number of negative events, happy couples can discuss how they grew together from those events—even if they resulted in a temporary disconnection.

Sign #6: The Relationship Falls Short of Your Expectations

It’s a clear sign a couple is at risk of splitting when one partner expresses disappointment in how the relationship has ended up. When these partners recall choices in the past, they often express cynicism about long-term commitment. And when they make those cynical statements, they are short, and they don’t try to explain the nuances of the situation.

Satisfied partners believe their relationship has met their expectations. A happy couple describes knowing that their partner was right for them, even if they faced some trouble along the way.

When we compared the stories of couples, those who would remain married and those who would split became very clear. If a relationship has all five telltale signs, then the negative switch has been made. Once the negative “Story of Us Switch” is clicked, it is very hard to reverse. Any intervention is most likely too late, even if one partner tries to make changes. At that point, it’s best for partner partners to let go and walk away to avoid suffering, and so that they can find happier and more stable relationships.

Have you ever wondered if it’s time to leave your relationship? It’s a tough decision. The Gottman Relationship Adviser can help you answer that question. The world’s first complete relationship wellness tool for couples takes the guesswork out of improving your relationship. Measure your relationship health with a research-based self-assessment, then receive a tailored digital relationship plan proven to heal and strengthen your connection.

For a more in-depth analysis of your relationship health check out the Gottman Assessment, a virtual relationship evaluation tool for couples.

Do you agree with statements like: “my partner understands me” or “I don’t think the struggle in this relationship is worth it”?  Take this free quiz and find out how well you know your partner while learning more about your relationship.

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Kyle Benson

Kyle works in The Love Lab where he nerds out on the science of relationships. When not highlighting research on a Sunday morning in his bathrobe, Kyle enjoys writing for his blog Kylebenson.net where he takes the research on successful relationships and transforms them into practical tools for romantic partners.

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How toxic are you? Take my "Am I toxic?" quiz to find out

Are you the toxic one in the relationship?

So you want to know if you are the problem in the relationship. If you are toxic, you’d probably also want to learn to what extent and what you can do about it.

Two things come to mind. Your partner can’t accept there’s anything wrong with them. They’re possibly abusive, but in any case, they’ve convinced you that you’re the problem.

Or, you’ve become aware that your relationship skills are lacking and that maybe you behave in ways that undermine the health of your relationship.

In both cases, I congratulate you for your courage and foresight!

You’re seizing the opportunity to increase your knowledge, awareness and understanding of what’s happening in your relationship.

In this article, you’ll discover:
  • If you’re the toxic one in the relationship, including:
  • How someone might become ‘toxic’
  • 30-question Am I toxic? quiz
  • What the results mean
  • 3-part action plan
  • What to do if your partner turns out to be the toxic one.

Let’s get cracking to see if you’ve hurt your partner’s feelings on purpose and whether you have been physically, mentally or emotionally abusive.

First of all, though, I’d like you to know that as a relationship therapist (now retired), I do my best to avoid labels. I use the term ‘toxic’ here only because I know you might have used it to find this article.

How toxic are you?

I don’t know, of course, what makes you think you are toxic. Perhaps your partner is the toxic one, but they’ve made you believe you’re the one causing the problems in your relationship.

Regardless of your reason for being here, taking the test below will help you to figure it out.

Below you’ll my 30-question “Am I toxic?” quiz to help you determine for yourself if you’re the toxic one in your relationship or family.

There’s no way I could score this test because every action below points to questionable behaviour.

The best way to determine if and how toxic you are is to add up the questions you’ve had to answer with a “YES”.

The higher the total, the more abusive your behaviour is.

However, looking at it from a more positive angle – the higher the score, the more opportunities for you to improve your relationship skills.

If you are the toxic one in the relationship

How does someone become ‘toxic’?

You’re here because you’re keen to learn about yourself – that’s what I assume. So, before you decide that you’re an unhealthy influence and are damaging your relationship, know that I’m not in any way judging you. I’m just pleased you’re here.

Let’s look at what might have happened if you do acknowledge that you’re toxic.

As human beings, we all try to meet our inborn essential needs without consciously being aware of that motivation.

Our essential emotional needs include:

  • giving and receiving attention
  • feeling safe and secure
  • feeling part of a community
  • friendship, love, laughter
  • feeling that we matter, that we’re seen, accepted and acknowledged for what we bring to a relationship or community
  • privacy for time to contemplate and process experiences
  • meaning and purpose.

You can see how having a close couple relationship can contribute to meeting those needs. However, you can also see how easily it can go wrong:

  • if we don’t meet those needs in balance, and
  • if we’re completely dependent on our partner to fulfil those needs

And that’s when we can unintentionally damage a relationship and harm a partner – in other words, that’s how we become toxic.

How we set about meeting our needs also depends on the example set by our caregivers, our experiences and our character.

It would matter a great deal if you grew up in a dysfunctional family, for example, where few of your needs were met. You’d have missed a chance to learn healthy communication skills if all your caregivers only shouted at you, made you feel inadequate and were always arguing. Your inborn resources might have been affected by being bullied in school.

Watch this TEDtalk by Signe M. Hegestand, who talks about the unconscious patterns underlying our behaviour.

Get a professional therapist to help you

Because you’re worthy of reliable help and support.

  • Individual therapy online
  • Couples therapy – online, so very near you
  • 1 live session à 45 min/week (video, voice or text)
  • Unlimited messaging
  • Change therapists with a click of a button
  • Therapy on a secure & confidential platform
  • Three subscription alternatives
  • Cancel or upgrade your subscription at any time.

Click the button to get started…


“Am I toxic?” quiz for you? Or is your family toxic?

Wondering if your family is toxic or if you’re the toxic one?

The questions in the quiz below will help you figure out if what’s happening in your family is healthy or unhealthy.

You’ll be able to see who is the most ‘toxic’ one in the family.

How toxic are you? Quiz

  1. Do you tend to criticise your partner a lot?
  2. Is it easy for you to make them feel ‘wrong’ often, even if you don’t mean to do so?
  3. Do you tend to want to control what happens in your relationship?
  4. Do you sometimes, or even often, call your partner insulting or degrading names?
  5. Do you ridicule your partner at times?
  6. Do you feel overly jealous of your partner?
  7. Do you feel jealous of the attention your partner gets, regardless of whom that might be?
  8. Do you ever use hurtful and insulting language towards them?
  9. Do you call them so-called ‘pet names’ aimed to undermine them?
  10. Do you humiliate them in front of others or when the two of you are alone?
  11. Do you tend to want their attention a lot of the time?
  12. Do you find it difficult to let them do their own thing?
  13. Have you made them feel guilty for not being a good-enough spouse or partner?
  14. Do you tell them how unfortunate your children are for having such a lousy parent?
  15. Do you move items and blame your spouse or partner for their disappearance?
  16. Do you move things to make them question their sanity?
  17. Do you play mind games to make them question themselves?
  18. Do you tend to blame your partner for everything that’s not going your way?
  19. Do you compliment your partner one moment and criticise them when they’re pleased?
  20. Do you use the silent treatment on them – deliberately ignoring their presence or not talking to them?
  21. Do you sometimes use threats to upset and scare your partner, your kids, and your partner’s family?
  22. Have you ever threatened to ‘expose’ personal, intimate or embarrassing details about your partner to their boss, friends and family?
  23. Have you ever threatened to hurt family pets?
  24. Have you ever spread rumours about your partner – online or elsewhere?
  25. Have you hurt your partner deliberately during ‘play-fights’?
  26. Have you ever hit, punched, pinched, pushed or pulled your partner?
  27. Have you ever forced your partner to do anything against their will?
  28. Do you interfere with your partner’s need to see a doctor and take medication?
  29. Do you decide on the contraceptives you or your partner uses?
  30. Do you tend to disregard your partner’s wishes regarding your physical relationship?
How toxic are you? Do the quiz to find out,

The results of the “

Am I toxic?” quiz

Perhaps you’re shocked to have discovered the extent to which you think you’re toxic. Or you can see now that you’re not the problem in the relationship, but your partner is.

Chances are, though, you’re somewhere in between. Perhaps you’ve become more aware of things you can improve and seen where your partner ‘should’ change (we’ll come back to that later). 

What if you are ‘toxic’ in a relationship?

Here’s your action plan

  1. Avoid giving yourself a hard time. Remember, I’ve congratulated you on your intent to increase your awareness, knowledge and understanding. Be kind to yourself! Simply acknowledge you’ve got some work to do.
  2. Read what you can about what’s needed to build a healthy relationship. There’s a ton of material on my site – all freely accessible. Beg and borrow books from friends or visit the library. Start by reading my article on how to argue fairly. link
  3. Each evening before you nod off, remind yourself of what you’ve achieved. Then savour the good moments in your relationship – that day or in the past – for a few minutes.

What if your spouse or partner is toxic

Are you in an abusive relationship?

There is a good chance you’ve discovered that you’re not the problem but that you’re in an abusive relationship.

In that case, your partner is mean and likely has made you feel you’re to blame for everything, including your relationship problems.

If that’s the case, I’d like you to take my toxic relationship test now.

Do not let an abusive partner off the hook!

Here’s what not to do, think or believe:

  • You can change your partner.
  • They don’t mean to be cruel.
  • They’ll change – they’ve promised.
  • They’ve said sorry and how guilty they feel.
  • They need you.


Hopefully, you’ll know now if you are toxic and ‘the problem’ in the relationship, your partner or spouse is, or you both have trouble building a healthy relationship.

Whatever the outcome of the “Am I toxic” quiz, you’ve already developed your knowledge, awareness and understanding!

Know that you’re far more capable, resilient and stronger than you think. Decide now to be kinder than you’ve ever been – to yourself, your partner or spouse and others.

You’ve got this! I’m championing your success and happiness.

Get a professional therapist to help you

Because you’re worthy of reliable help and support.

  • Individual online therapy
  • Online couples therapy
  • 1 live session à 45 min/week (video, voice or text)
  • Unlimited messaging
  • Change therapists with a click of a button
  • Therapy on a secure & confidential platform
  • Three subscription alternatives
  • Cancel or upgrade your subscription at any time.

Click the button and…


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What's wrong with me? How to fix it?

In what area do you have the most problems and unresolved issues?

Success, achievements, work

Love, relationships

Future, destiny, self-realization

You are putting off an important task because:

I'm afraid of failing it

I know it will be difficult and time consuming

I can't figure out if I need it

What is your biggest problem with others?

I take criticism to heart, so it’s easy to offend me

It seems to me that I annoy people with my attention

It seems that everyone I communicate with is better and more successful than me

And what problems haunt you in your professional life ? nine0006

It's a shame that no one notices my successes

I create problems where there are none

It's hard for me to make decisions on my own

What worries you about your relationship with yourself?

I don’t like myself, I don’t do everything well

I go with the flow and I can’t change anything

I am afraid of the unknown and I can’t understand what is right for me

Imagine that when you speak, you have only 10 minutes, to express your opinion. What are you going to do? nine0006

I will rehearse the speech until it is perfect. Otherwise, I won't perform

I know in advance that I won't be able to meet this time. I will not even try

I will try not to deviate from the essence of the speech, although it is difficult for me

How do you usually behave during a conflict?

Doing my best to prove myself right

Just accepting the opponent's position

Lost because I don't know what to say

How do you react to criticism? nine0006

I start to doubt myself

I get very upset

I want to fix everything, but I don't know how

What problems bother you in your personal life?

Relationships often don't meet my expectations

I can't get over my past grievances

I can't figure out what I want from relationships

You can hardly stand people who... active

Excessive demands on oneself

You have too high standards for yourself and your standard of living.

Learn more