What is unrequited

Reason and feelings

Anna Petrenko

September 24, 2021 10:37

Clinical psychologist Anna Krymskaya told what unrequited love is from the point of view of science. Where does it come from, why can it become addictive and cause physical pain, how is this feeling related to self-esteem and fears, and what to do to make it easier.

Why do we fall in love unrequitedly

Non-reciprocal feelings are a very common phenomenon. It is believed that unrequited love is four times more common than mutual and people aged 16 to 20 are most susceptible to it. Some studies claim that people with a restless and anxious type of attachment, with a low level of self-esteem and psychological protection, are also prone to such love.

There are a number of reasons for the appearance of this type of feeling. The most banal: we all come from childhood. We are attracted to people whom we think we deserve, and the idea of ​​​​this is formed just in the first years of life - on the example of parental attitude towards us or towards each other. It happens that we see in the object of affection that very cold parent and try to earn his love. In addition, the familiar pain of rejection may be less frightening than the unknown (“How is it there, in a relationship filled with love? What if it only gets worse?”).

Maybe subconsciously we don't want a relationship because we're afraid it's going to fail. If we have already been wounded once, it becomes scary that this may happen again. Unavailable partners can be a safe choice, because if the relationship never starts, you will be dumped.

In addition to the fear of breaking up, the fear of dissolving in a partner can keep you from a relationship. It is very difficult not to merge when they have mutual feelings for you and are waiting for something. Emotionally unavailable people do not need anything from us, and this is a great relief.

Another reason lies in the enjoyment of the conquest itself. Non-reciprocal love is an endless inspiring pursuit. Emotions like these can be addictive, making a stable, calm relationship seem boring. We like to "fix" people. I want to become the one who will change, “heal” an emotionally unavailable partner and his wounds. But we cannot make someone loving and ready for a relationship. Such changes do not happen at the snap of a finger and do not depend on us. In addition, when we find a suitable partner, there will be no need to change him.

Finally, people like to live in fantasy.

It is much safer to imagine an ideal relationship with an inaccessible person than to build it with someone who reciprocates.

After all, it may turn out that love is not a rosy thing at all, that there is no ideal, and even the best relationships sometimes require patience and great efforts. Most of these causes have deeper roots that are best dealt with in therapy - as well as correcting these patterns.

What is unrequited love like

Science has already analyzed love at the level of chemical reactions that occur in the brain and are associated with the hormones oxytocin and dopamine. They hide both in unrequited and mutual love. Therefore, both types of feelings are equally sincere. However, equal love brings satisfaction to both partners, it has a place for trust, care and intimacy. The unrequited one is distinguished by dependence, less self-sacrifice, it is unstable, unbalanced.

In psychology, there is a classification of forms of non-reciprocal love. American researcher Robert Bringle identified five of its types.

Falling in love with someone who is unavailable

It's simple. You may remember how you were in love with an actor, musician or athlete. The object of adoration is in the center of attention, but you are not familiar and are unlikely to ever meet.

Falling in love with someone from close circle without trying to start a romantic relationship

A person in love can have many reasons for not expressing their feelings and not trying to start a relationship. However, these motives, justified or not, do not change the disappointment due to unrequited love. For example, a schoolboy who is in love with a classmate does not dare to admit it to her.

Stalking the object of love despite the fact that he/she has rejected you

This path, as a rule, leads to the very painful consequences of unrequited love - rejection, humiliation and a decrease in self-esteem. The situation when a lover experiences unrequited feelings for the same person throughout his life is theoretically possible. But in practice, it is rare, this type of attachment is dysfunctional for a person. Unrequited love for life is an image popularized and romanticized by literature and cinema .

Longing for a past lover

A person continues to love even after a breakup, often clearly realizing that a former partner is not suitable for him. According to research, falling in love triggers the release of dopamine and norepinephrine, the pleasure hormones. The same thing happens, albeit in smaller doses, even if a person just looks at a photo of a former lover. Therefore advice to unfollow ex-lovers on social networks after breaking up can be very correct .

An unequal love relationship in which partners stay together but love in different degrees or pursue different goals

The phrase "different goals" implies that one may be insanely in love while the other fulfills the need for security and stability. Or one wants a "good mother/father" for their children, while the other idealizes a partner. Dissatisfaction from such unrequited love may be less acute, but stretched over years

Research by University of Denver professor Scott Stanley and his colleagues suggests that in today's couples there are more and more situations where commitment to a relationship is higher for one partner than for the other. This is a form of unrequited love within a couple.

Why unrequited love is dangerous

Relationships should not be avoided in principle. But it is important to understand in time that you are not appreciated, and love yourself strongly enough not to find yourself in an unhealthy situation. Unrequited love can consume, maim and interfere with living your life. The consequences can be even more serious: addiction, self-harm, anxiety disorders, and the repetition of similar scenarios in new relationships.

To counteract the negative consequences of unrequited love, you need to start by diagnosing its signs:

— you don't get anything in return, but you yourself completely devote yourself to another person;
- you always find ways to spend time with your lover, but these efforts are not reciprocated;
- you get jealous when he/she spends time with others;
- you constantly feel underestimated;
- thoughts about your beloved fill you with anxiety;
- you constantly think about what your partner is doing now;
- you do not have physical contact;
- beloved avoids you.

In some cases, the feeling of unrequited love can develop into Adele Hugo syndrome - a mental disorder characterized by prolonged love obsession. The symptoms of the disease resemble deep depression, but can be much more dangerous: persecution of a person, self-deception, voluntary self-sacrifice, reckless actions, deceptive hopes and loss of interest in other topics and events of life. Symptoms can also be insomnia or, conversely, an abundance of dreams in which the object of affection appears. Without appropriate therapy, Adélie's syndrome leads to the gradual destruction of the patient's personality, due to which he leaves reality and perceives only the world he has invented.

Interestingly, in 2011, a group of American psychologists published a study reporting that feelings experienced by a rejected person activate the same areas of the brain as physical pain b.

How to overcome pain

First of all, you need to ask yourself a few questions. Has this happened to me before? Is there a pattern? Have I experienced anything other than unrequited love in the last few years of my adult life? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then it will be useful to find out why you are stepping on the same rake. Unrequited love is less intense in all its positive aspects than mutual love, but includes more emotional upheavals. In other words, it has more downs than ups.

Being in a relationship in which sympathy is not mutual often confirms in people the false belief that they cannot be loved.

Unrequited lovers experience real addiction with all its attributes: craving, withdrawal and relapse. Be honest: admit to yourself that this is an unhealthy attachment, and try to pull away. This means avoiding meetings and communication, not answering messages and calls, but it is better to unsubscribe from the object of affection in social networks or block it.
You should not enter into a new romantic relationship until you recover from unrequited love. This process can take months, sometimes more. In the meantime, you can focus on relationships with yourself, as well as with friends and family.

If it is difficult to cope with the trauma of unrequited love on your own, you can contact a psychotherapist. This is especially important if you were neglected or abused as a child. A professional will help you sort out old injuries and find ways out of a repeating pattern.

The opportunity to live life without experiencing feelings of unrequited love is rare. There is no need to be afraid of not meeting reciprocity: this is often an important stage in growing up and personal growth . What matters is how you deal with your feelings and what lessons you learn.

The more transparent and frank you are with the object of your love, the sooner you will know if he or she feels something in return. False hopes extended over time will eventually hurt more. We don't always get what we want. It is important to perceive this not as a defeat, but as something that was not destined to come true. If you can keep a positive attitude, it will speed up your emotional healing. There are other people and the possibility of other romantic relationships, and by continuing to live your life, you are giving them a chance.

The happiest relationships are based on honesty, acceptance of yourself and others. Preventing a recurring scenario of unrequited love means understanding and accepting yourself, perhaps seeking professional support, working through past traumas and false attitudes with a psychotherapist.

In the early 1990s, Roy Baumeister and his colleagues collected autobiographical stories written by students that addressed the problem of perceiving non-reciprocal feelings from both the lover's and the rejecter's points of view. Comparison of the roles of two different parties has allowed a better understanding of the processes and formed the basis of modern knowledge about unrequited feelings.

It is easy to assume that rejectors increase their self-esteem by feeling like an object of adoration, but everything is nullified by guilt.

In the media and literature, those in love are portrayed as indifferent and cold. But often they worry that they are misleading the other person, especially if they are in a long-term relationship. They don't want to offend or lose their friendship, so their rejection is indirect, confusing, and can be misinterpreted. A person in love, on the other hand, can maintain hope, prolonging the experience of unrequited love for both parties. In addition, the fear of rejection makes you cling to the smallest signs of sympathy.

Unrequited love is a universal human experience that began to be talked about centuries ago. It would be wrong to assume that this phenomenon will disappear in the future. But today people are more attentive to their mental health. Perhaps in the future we will learn to identify repetitive patterns of behavior, avoid situations where we are not appreciated in a relationship, accept ourselves and create a solid foundation for mutual love.

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Adele

what is it and how to experience unrequited love

As you know, we choose, we are chosen - and this very often does not coincide. According to statistics, 98% of us at least once in our lives find ourselves on one side of unrequited love. But why love someone who does not reciprocate? Is it love at all? And what to do if you find yourself in such a situation? We understand in the article.

• What is unrequited love
  • Common signs of unrequited love
• What is unrequited love
• Possible causes of unrequited love
  • Attachment trauma
  • Fear of commitment and intimacy
  • Idealization
  • Low self-esteem
  • traumatic experience
  • "Dopamine Trap"
• Why do people get stuck in unrequited love
  • The "rejecting side" of unrequited love
• What to do if feelings are not mutual
  • If you fall in love unrequited
  • If you fall in love unrequitedly

What is unrequited love

Psychologists have not agreed on whether unrequited feelings can be fully considered "real" love. There are versions that this is often just an idealization or an obsession, especially if the object of love is not a very well and closely familiar person. However, the very feelings of an unrequited lover can be very real and powerful.

Unrequited love is most common among young people. There is evidence that men are more likely to fall in love unrequitedly than women. Studies also show that among students, unrequited love occurs about four times more often than mutual feelings. Some may even experience non-reciprocal sympathy for several people at the same time - and of varying intensity.

Unrequited love is always asymmetric: the other side does not respond to us in the same way or perceives the situation differently. This is basically a story hidden from others: all feelings live inside the lover, he rarely dares to share them. Feeling love alone can be even more difficult than when this feeling is divided into two and there is someone to turn to for help and support.

Compared to mutual love, unrequited feelings bring less positive feelings and more emotional instability. That is, in this case, the "cons" seriously outweigh the "pluses". Nevertheless, unrequited love is far from always a fleeting hobby, which a person can easily forget about in time and move on in life. There is a chance to “get stuck” in a state of uncertainty and stay in it for years. If these feelings or this person are very important for a person, he may cling to even a ghostly chance for a romantic relationship. It is also possible that a person "serially" from time to time falls in love unrequitedly with different people.

Experiencing love alone can be even more difficult than when the feeling is shared between two.

Common signs of unrequited love

- Mixed signals. There is no certainty how the object of love actually relates to you. All doubts are usually interpreted in favor of the fact that there is still a chance.

- Obsessive thoughts about the object of love. Often the object of love occupies all thoughts, the lover scrolls his accounts in social networks, spends all the time waiting for messages from Him / Her.

- Predominantly one-way contact. The lover is interested in the affairs, life and personality of a person, but does not receive the same interest in return.

- "Asymmetric" feelings. A lover can experience and express intense admiration, and the second responds to this with "Thank you."

— Idealized human perception. Often he seems perfect, the most beautiful, funny and interesting, and all the shortcomings are ignored.

Unrequited love is like

Psychologists identify five types of unrequited love. They differ depending on how closely people know each other, and on the type of relationship between them.

1. "Fan" love

In this case, the object of feelings is a well-known person, with whom the lover, as a rule, is not familiar in life. Such feelings are often experienced by fans of actors, musicians or other celebrities. The lover has no chance (or very little) of reciprocity, but this does not stop him. He constantly collects information about the object of his feelings, empathizes with his successes and problems, fantasizes about him.

2. Silent adoration

In this case, the lover is personally acquainted with the object of love, but does not make any attempts to demonstrate his feelings. The reasons can be very different: for example, a person is afraid that the object of feelings will stop communicating with him after recognition.

3. Rejected love

In this case, the lover still decides to confess, but is refused. But that's not necessarily the end of the story. Many factors can affect this: how honestly and openly people can discuss the situation, whether they are in relationships with others. Sometimes, over time, people can become friends. And it happens that the lover continues to show signs of attention - only now without hiding - and in the end it turns into a romantic relationship.

4. Feelings for the former

A person can continue to love a partner after a breakup, even if the relationship with him hurt, and refuse to move on to something new. As we already wrote, this is the most common reason that prompts you to return to the former. Moreover, a breakup can add fuel to the fire and ignite feelings even more. Anthropologist Helen Fisher calls this frustration attraction. This phenomenon is associated with the reward system in the brain, which is activated regardless of whether we are lucky in our personal lives or not.

5. Unequal love

Sometimes people enter into romantic relationships with each other with different feelings. For example, one partner may be in love, and the other just wants stability in life and to have someone to watch the series in an embrace. Or one may be convinced that he has met a soulmate, while the other just wants to have a good time. Such relationships, as a rule, lead to the fact that both partners are unhappy with them.

Possible causes of unrequited love

Although no one is safe from unrequited feelings in life, there are factors that increase their likelihood. Attachment style If in childhood the emotional needs of the child were not met, the parents were cold or abruptly cut off contact, then in adulthood people with similar behavior may unconsciously attract us. The desire to "achieve" the sympathy of an inaccessible parent may eventually turn into a pursuit of inaccessible partners. A person by all means wants to "win" in this scenario, to prove that he is worthy of love. And until this happens, the reciprocity of feelings may not attract him or even repel him. This is common in people with an anxious attachment style.

Fear of commitment and intimacy

This is typical of another variant of the insecure attachment style, this time avoidant. If a person in his personal life is “strangled” by intimacy, and in mutual relationships he sees dependence, unrequited love comes to the rescue. It can be the perfect way to avoid a real relationship. So a person can experience feelings from a safe distance for himself and minimally depend on another.

Idealization

A person imagines an ideal partner and refuses to settle for less in life. Since the chances of meeting an imaginary ideal are close to zero, it is easiest to project its qualities onto an inaccessible object. In this case, you can not risk that the image will break on the brute reality of life.

Low self-esteem

Negative self-beliefs can be associated with low self-esteem. If a person considers himself unworthy of love, he can choose people who definitely will not reciprocate - this will support his ideas about himself. Rejection and non-reciprocity are what he expects by default, and thus does not allow himself to get a new, fundamentally different experience.

Traumatic experience

If a person has experienced infidelity or abusive relationships in the past, intimacy can be very frightening. Children's experiences can also influence - for example, problematic relationships between parents. Non-reciprocal love seems to be a safer option, in which the other person is less likely to hurt or betray. In this case, the person may need help.

For example, a good tool for dealing with traumatic experiences is EMDR (eye movement desensitization and processing). With the help of eye movement, those parts of the brain that are responsible for processing information are activated. As a result, the traumatic event, which is “stuck” in the memory and brings pain, begins to fade gradually. You can read more about this in our guide.

The Dopamine Trap

Another possible reason why unrequited love can be attractive is the peculiarities of the reward system in our brain. There is evidence that dopamine levels are greatly increased when we expect something good in the future, but are not sure that this will happen. That is, the situation of uncertainty in life can bring us even more pleasant feelings than reciprocity. This explains why a love/dislike situation can be addictive for a long time. So a person can get hooked on love addiction and emotional swings: disappointment and depression are replaced by uplift and enthusiasm, if there are at least some signs that there is hope.

Why people get stuck in unrequited love

Anyone who has experienced unrequited feelings in life must have spent hours on end trying to "decipher" his or her behavior.

• "Was it an accidental touch or not?"
• “Does it mean anything that she puts lights on all my stories?”
• “He was the first to write today, this is clearly a sign of sympathy!”

Everything is taken as “mixed signals”, which can be either simple goodwill or a hint of reciprocity. The inability to lean towards any of the options can be very unbalanced.

Psychologists call this phenomenon cognitive dissonance. This refers to the state of psychological stress from the fact that a person simultaneously has several important ideas or beliefs that contradict each other. When this situation arises, it is very difficult to focus on anything in life other than this dilemma.

The more spiritual strength is invested in unrequited love, the more terrible confession becomes.

In the case of unrequited love, a person simultaneously sees both signs that feelings are mutual and evidence of the opposite. A classic example is when relationships first develop rapidly, and then abruptly come to naught (the “Hot N Cold” behavior model, known to us from the Katy Perry track of the same name). This can hurt self-esteem and rob you of self-confidence.

There are three ways to get out of dissonance:

1. Change your belief (for example, decide that there is no reciprocity - and let go of the situation, switch to someone new).
2. Get new information (try to find out more facts that may lead to one of the conclusions).
3. Decrease the importance of the situation (do not dwell on it and pay attention to other matters and interests).

Most often, people tend to choose the second option - and it greatly increases the chances of "getting stuck" in a state of non-reciprocal love. Because you can “look for signs” endlessly: there are always moments that can be interpreted ambiguously. And the more we think about a person, the more important he becomes to us - and this only increases the tension.

The only way out of the cycle of doubt and hope is a direct conversation. But the more spiritual strength is invested in unrequited love, the more terrible the confession becomes - I really want all this to be not in vain. Therefore, people often choose to hope to the end, even if they already understand that the desired scenario in life will never materialize.

In addition, it happens that the lover and the object of love are friends. And then it can be scary that recognition will destroy the relationship and you will have to face the loss of a loved one.

The "rejecting side" of unrequited love

Since non-reciprocal lovers rarely admit their feelings, the other side may not even know about them. So it is likely that a friend, a former partner or a rejected admirer, or even a completely unfamiliar person, sighs about you.

Unrequited love is a common theme in movies, TV series, books and songs. However, attention in them is aimed, as a rule, only at the experiences of the lover. We hardly know what the second person in this story is going through.

According to psychologists, this leads to a misunderstanding of how to behave. Someone confessed their love to you, but you have nothing to answer? There is no cultural scenario for such a situation in life. It can be completely unclear what to rely on and where to look for help.

Though involuntarily, a person becomes a "villain" in someone else's personal history.

Research shows that even if initially “rejectors” feel annoyed and awkward towards the lover, then over time everything is replaced by guilt. Although reluctantly, a person becomes a "villain" in someone else's personal history, a breaker of hearts and a destroyer of hopes.

The person may feel that they somehow encouraged the development of falling in love, even if they were just trying to be considerate and kind. This can cause that same state of dissonance. The "rejector" realizes that he did nothing wrong. And at the same time he feels guilty that the lover is hurt and offended.

In addition, turning down someone is a bad experience, so rejecters often choose to passively avoid suitors. And if they still decide to talk, they often say in clichés (“It's not about you, it's about me”) or very vaguely. So they try not to hurt the feelings of the lover, keep in touch with him and avoid accusations. And sometimes they even agree to start a relationship, “so as not to offend,” and hope that over time they themselves will fall in love.

There is another problem - the lover often does not want to hear that his feelings are not reciprocated, even if the "rejector" directly says so. Vague explanations are all the more suspicious and can be taken as a hint. "Help" - stereotypes that love must be sought and not give up no matter what. Perhaps this explains why some people stubbornly refuse to believe that "no" really means "no" and turn their attention to someone new.

What to do if feelings are not mutual

We can't change our feelings at the click of a button, but other people's emotions are also out of our control. Although an honest and open conversation may not work out, both parties should still try to clarify the situation. Of course, talking about feelings is always difficult, and especially in the case of unrequited love. But if you do not try to show the cards, there is a risk of getting stuck in a situation that only gets worse over time.

If you fall in love unrequitedly

Accept the facts.

It is important to try to assess the situation without trying to interpret doubts in your favor. If you find it difficult to be objective, seek help. For example, try to discuss your condition, words and behavior of the object of love with a person you trust. This can help bring back a sense of reality and regain control of the situation.

Live the loss.

Unrequited love is always associated with loss: we lose hope for reciprocity, the image of ourselves associated with this person. As you know, there are five stages to experiencing loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, unrequited lovers often get stuck in denial: it is very difficult to part with hope. It is important to go through all the stages in order to be able to move on.

Analyze yourself.

As we have already mentioned, unrequited love can be "serial". Ask yourself: is this the first time this has happened to you, or has this happened many times lately? Have you ever had a relationship in your life? If yes, how long ago? If this is a situation that you reproduce over and over again, try to understand why this is happening and what it gives you.

If you fall in love unrequitedly

Be honest, but careful.

Try to clearly state your feelings towards the person. Avoid doing it the manual, don't use boilerplate expressions. A lover deserves a sincere story about how you feel about him and how you feel after his confession. Remember that confessing non-reciprocal love is very difficult, try to be careful.

Set boundaries.

Talking about what is acceptable in your interaction and what is not will help both of you. Then you will not constantly analyze your behavior (“Didn’t I hug him / her for too long and tightly goodbye?”), And the person will not look for hidden meaning in it. If you're friends, this will help keep the relationship healthy without cutting off contact. But it may be necessary to minimize communication for a while in order to give each other more space.

Don't give false hopes.

Of course, when we are loved, it is very pleasant and generally a balm for self-esteem.

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