Spouses of aspergers
14 Practical Strategies – The Asperger / Autism Network (AANE)
Eva Mendes, M.A.
Article
By Eva Mendes, M.A., Psychotherapist & Couple’s Counselor
The excerpts below focus on interventions for relationships in which an individual with Asperger Syndrome (AS) is partnered with a spouse or partner who does not have AS (a neurotypical). The article in its entirety may be found at https://eva-mendes.com/
The Asperger’s Association of New England (AANE) has been offering the Partner/Spouse Support Groups and the Couples’ Support Groups for about ten years. Since most of the couples we see consist of a neurotypical woman married to or partnered with a man with AS, in this article I will often speak of “the wife” (understood to be NT) and “the husband” (understood to have AS). The principles below still apply whether or not the couple is married, whether the wife or the husband is the partner with AS, and in same sex couples.
(Similar dynamics may present in couples where both partners have AS.)
In my groups and couple’s counseling sessions, we have observed recurring issues or challenges, and recurring strategies for addressing them, which I am calling here the fourteen practical strategies for facilitating an AS marriage, namely:
- Pursuing a diagnosis;
- Accepting the diagnosis;
- Staying motivated;
- Understanding how AS impacts the individual;
- Managing depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder;
- Self-exploration and self-awareness;
- Creating a Relationship Schedule;
- Meeting each other’s sexual needs;
- Bridging parallel play;
- Coping with sensory overload and meltdowns;
- Expanding Theory of Mind;
- Improving communication;
- Co-parenting strategies;
- Managing expectations and suspending judgment.
1. Pursuing a diagnosis
Diagnosis is an important step in starting to work through issues in an AS marriage.
Even if the diagnosis isn’t formal, but the couple is able to acknowledge the characteristics and traits of AS that might be causing marital discord, it is very helpful tool to lessen or remove the blame, frustration, shame, depression, pain and isolation felt by one or both partners. In some cases, even if the husband refuses to get an evaluation, the wife may be able to use her understanding of his probable AS to reframe her understanding of her husband and change how she relates to him.
A diagnosis of AS can be obtained from a clinician (a clinical social worker/LICSW, licensed mental health counselor/LMHC, a psychiatrist/MD or a psychologist/neuropsychologist/PhD or PsyD) experienced in identifying AS in adults. It is especially helpful if the clinician’s procedure includes interviewing the spouse or partner and/or other family members. Diagnosis can also help with finding an appropriate couple’s counselor who can work within the AS framework. Many couples report that working with a couple’s counselor who is not experienced in working with adults with AS can often harm rather than help the AS marriage.
2. Accepting the AS diagnosis
While re-evaluating the relationship in light of the new diagnosis, and striving to achieve acceptance, it is helpful for both partners to continue to seek information about AS, see a clinician experienced with adult AS, and/or join support groups focused on AS marriages or relationships. A detailed understanding of AS—both the challenging and also the positive traits—is important. Individuals with AS can have some highly desirable traits such as loyalty, honesty, intelligence, strong values, flexibility with gender roles, the ability to work hard, generosity, innocence, humor and good looks. Enumerating all the positive and challenging traits of both partners can give the couple a more balanced picture of their marriage.
3. Staying motivated
It is helpful if both partners are motived to address the issues in their marriage and commit to its long-term success. Otherwise, any attempts to improve the marriage may be short-lived.
In some cases, however, the NT partner may be depressed, angry, lonely, and disconnected from her AS partner, that salvaging the marriage is not an option.
In such a situation, the couple can work with a couple’s counselor or mediator towards an amicable divorce (and resolution of co-parenting issues if they have children involved).
4. Understanding how AS impacts the individual
Psycho-education is an important part of sorting out the challenges in an AS marriages. There are many books on AS marriage written from the point of view of the NT partner. Reading such personal relationship narratives can help the NT partner by validating her experience and feelings within the marriage. Some narratives paint a painfully negative picture; while it may still be helpful to read these accounts, it is good to keep in mind that every marriage and relationship is unique.
Psycho-education can be a lifelong process, because AS is a rather complex. Traits and behaviors evolve and change through the lifespan of each individual. It’s helpful to stay motivated to keep learning about one’s partner through the lifespan; there is always more to discover about one another.
Similarly, neurotypical traits and behaviors are mysterious and surprising to the partner with AS, and merit continued study and attention. It helps to stay motivated to keep learning about one’s partner throughout the lifespan; there is always more to discover about one another.
5. Managing depression, anxiety, OCD, and ADHD
People with AS are at increased risk for depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), or attention deficit disorder/attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADD/ADHD). Undiagnosed and untreated anxiety is a major problem for individuals with AS, and can lead to a deeper manifestation of the negative AS traits like impulsivity, melt-downs, rage, and withdrawal, all negatively impacting the marriage. It is vital to diagnose and treat depression, anxiety, OCD, or ADD/ADHD either with medications or/and with therapy.
Another helpful form of intervention can be provided by a life coach who specializes in AS, such as AANE’s LifeMAP coaches.
Coaches can help adults with AS resolve practical problems that are draining their emotionally or causing friction with their spouses, such as employment issues, or difficulty with time management, staying organized, or social skills.
NT spouses can often experience their own mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, affective deprivation disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder, as a result of being in a relationship with an undiagnosed and untreated partner with AS for an extended period of time. In these cases, the NT partner should also receive treatment.
6. Self-exploration and self-awareness
In many AS marriages the NT partner may be a super nurture, manager, and organizer, who entered the relationship motivated by a desire to help and nurture the partner with AS. Understanding why she chose her partner with AS is an important step toward becoming self-aware and making changes in her own behavior. Many of the women in AANE’s spouse groups report having at least one parent with AS; their experiences in their family of origin may have led them to seek out a spouse with AS because he felt familiar.
Some of the NT partners also say that, when they were going through a vulnerable time in their lives, the strong, quiet, gentle, highly intelligent, and loyal presence of the AS partner provided a sense of emotional security.
Another aspect of self-exploration and self-awareness for the NT spouse is to rebuild her self-esteem and reintroduce activities and interests into her life that she may have given up in order to shoulder majority of the responsibility for maintaining the household. The NT spouse may also need to look for emotional support outside the marriage, so that she is not solely reliant on her husband for emotional fulfillment—as that may not always be a realistic expectation.
7. Creating a Relationship Schedule
An online and/or paper calendar for important weekly, monthly and yearly events such as holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, family visits, and doctors’ appointments is a useful tool for any marriage or relationship. In an AS marriage, adding to this calendar quiet time, times for conversation, sex, shared leisure activities, exercise, and meditation/prayer can be very beneficial to keeping the partners connected on a day to day basis.
Based on this calendaring system, couples might want to work on a Relationship Schedule for their marriage.
For example, having daily scheduled conversations between the spouses can serve to keep the couple connected and in-sync with each other on a daily basis, despite the challenges and many activities of everyday life. In addition to scheduling conversation time, it can be beneficial to also schedule sex in order to meet the needs of both partners.
8. Meeting each other’s sexual needs
Adults with AS tend to either want a lot of sexual activity or too little; so having a discussion on which days and times to have sex eliminates the guess work for both partners. It is helpful for both partners to communicate their sexual needs verbally, in a clear and detailed manner. Putting sex on the Relationship Schedule isn’t enough. Neurological differences apart, people have major differences in how much sex they need, how often, and how they want to be intimate with their partners.
Some individuals with AS can be very robotic or technically perfect in bed without paying attention to their partner’s need for an emotional connection and foreplay before intercourse. Some individuals with AS also don’t enjoy sex due to their sensory issues and/or low sex drive.
It is important for the partner with AS to understand that their partner’s sexual needs are different than their own, and that both partners need to work at the keeping emotional connection going on a daily basis, both inside and outside the bedroom. Understanding each other’s “love language” as described by Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages, might be a useful tool for partners to act in ways that meets each partner’s individual emotional needs.
9. Bridging parallel play
Many couples tell us that common interests and activities is what first brought them together: long walks, boat rides, hikes, picnics, dance events and exercise classes, travel. After getting married, however, many of these joint activities tend to fall off the couple’s schedule due to life obligations.
Many couples in an AS marriage tend to engage in what is known as “parallel play,” where one partner engages in a preferred activity or hobby alone, rather than seeking out his or her partner to enjoy these activities together. Individuals with AS struggle with social/communication initiation and reciprocity. A husband with AS can literally go days, weeks, or even months without spending quality time with his NT partner, leaving the NT partner feeling abandoned, isolated and terribly lonely.
Research has shown that couples that play together stay together. Playing together—participating in joint leisure activities—can help bridge the physical/emotional distance that is oftentimes is characteristic of an AS marriage. Integrating each other back into the activities that both partners enjoy is beneficial. Once the couple works on creating new memories through shared activities and interests, they can then begin to experience more closeness and togetherness.
10. Coping with sensory overload and meltdowns
Individuals with AS oftentimes have sensory issues.
That is, one or more of the person’s five senses may be either hypersensitive (overly sensitive) or hyposensitive (with low or diminished sensitivity). For some people with AS, a light caress of the skin can feel like burning fire. Fluorescent lighting can induce an immediate migraine. The noise at a train station, or too many people talking at once at a party, can feel like the loud hammering of metal on metal. Smells at the grocery store can feel nauseating and overwhelming. On the other hand, a hard prick by a needle can have no effect, or, one could have a diminished sense of smell or taste.
A self-aware and motivated adult with AS can succeed in avoiding meltdowns by learning to avoid the triggers and recognize the early warning signs of stress and sensory overload. Developing strategies to act in response to the early manifestations of an oncoming meltdown can help the spouse with AS.
The NT spouse can assist her spouse with AS on his journey to self-awareness. For example, the NT partner may be able to bring attention to the AS spouse’s rising stress level, and suggest that each of them take some time alone to alleviate some of the stress and overstimulation.
11. Expanding Theory of Mind
Individuals with AS tend to have weak Theory of Mind, meaning a relatively limited ability to “read” another person’s thoughts, feelings, or intentions. While relating to another person, NTs are able to hypothesize more or less what that person is thinking or feeling based on a mental map of their own emotions, and an intuitive knowing of the feelings of other people. Those with AS find it harder to formulate theories or hypotheses about another person’s mental or emotional state. Weak Theory of Mind leads to individuals with AS unintentionally and unknowingly saying and doing things in a relationship that can come across as insensitive and be unintentionally hurtful. Over time, the hurt feelings, pain, and suffering of the NT spouse can cause some serious tears or lacerations in the marriage.
It is important that both the NT and AS spouse become curious and learn about each other’s thinking processes, inner worlds, and life experiences, rather than making assumptions or judgments about how the other partner thinks and feels.
For meaningful conversation and dialogue to occur, open minds are needed. Verbalizing details about their inner and outer worlds, in a non-judgmental atmosphere, gives partners an opportunity to understand each other better and to bond.
12. Improving communication
Working towards better communication is an ongoing task in any relationship. Within an AS marriage, the importance of communication cannot be stressed enough, since AS is in part characterized as a social-communication deficit. Studies show that 90% of human interaction is based on non-verbal communication. Individuals with AS have difficulties in being able to pick up and interpret facial cues, vocal intonations, and body language, and hence a miss out on a significant amount of communication.
In some cases, the disconnect in an AS marriage is due to the fact that the partner with AS has great difficulty initiating conversations and keeping them flowing. The NT spouse feels abandoned and isolated by her AS partner’s lack of initiation of connection.
The NT spouse needs to communicate in clear words everything she would like her AS spouse to know or do on a daily basis. Otherwise, chances are that the AS spouse will not be able to read his partner’s mind, due to his somewhat limited Theory of Mind and ability to read non-verbal cues. For both the NT partner and the AS partner, verbalizing one’s emotional, mental, physical, sexual, spiritual, and social needs in the relationship is the only way to insure that those needs will be met.
The partner with AS is often willing to meet the needs of his partner once he understand exactly what he needs to do. Merely knowing what the NT partner’s needs are is not sufficient for him to know how to meet them. He can, however, learn what to do if he is given concrete, step-by-step actions through which he can offer loving support to his NT partner. For example, some spouses may say, “I’m unhappy because we don’t talk anymore.” It would be more helpful to something like: “I would like for us to have a conversation for about an hour tonight after we put the kids to bed.
I’ll put the tea kettle on, and then I’d like to tell you about how rough my week at work has been. I don’t want you to solve my work problems, I just want you to listen, agree and validate me by saying things like, ‘I’m sorry that those things happened. You’re brilliant at your job and your company is lucky to have you.'” The more detailed and step-by-step instructions the individual with AS gets, the better he can meet his partner’s needs, and the more satisfied she will feel.
13. Co-Parenting Strategies
Individuals with AS can be very good parents when it comes to concrete tasks such as helping the children with their homework, teaching them new skills, playing with them, and taking them on outdoor adventures. When it comes to meeting their children’s emotional needs, they might need some coaching and cues from their NT partner. The NT partner might even have to help their partner with AS to say complimentary things to their children and to schedule one on one quality time with each of the children as well as the entire family on the calendar on a daily and weekly basis.
Also, the NT parent can help facilitate opportunities for the child to bond with their parent with AS.
Given the complexity and extra challenges of an AS marriage, neuro-diverse couples who do not yet have children may want to think carefully before deciding to become parents. They should assess the strength of their own economic, physical, and emotional resources, and of their additional support networks (extended family, people or services in the wider community). In may neuro-diverse couples, it is probable that the majority of the work of caring for and raising children will fall on the NT spouse, as the husband with AS may have executive function difficulties, or may have enough on his plate just managing his other responsibilities, such as holding down a job and keeping himself on an even keel.
14. Managing expectations and suspending judgment
Adjusting one’s expectations to accommodate one’s partner is important for both the NT and the AS partner. Understanding that there are fundamental neurological differences between NTs and individuals with AS is important while trying to manage expectations between the partners.
For motivated couples, working hard to improve the marriage with the various tools listed here can bring about real change and made the marriage more comfortable and rewarding for both partners. It is important to note that change and growth is a slow and painful process for any couple or individual wanting to work on their marriage. For any marriage to succeed and thrive long-term, both partners have to make the daily effort to do things differently than they have before. It is also important to understand that growth and change happens in spurts, and that maintaining a high quality and happy marriage is a lifelong commitment.
Couple’s counseling for AS marriage
All of the steps and strategies described in this article can be addressed in couple’s counseling. With a skilled counselor, experienced in AS, both spouses in the AS marriage will be able to gain awareness of their own individual patterns of behavior, and learn how they can make both attitudinal and behavioral adjustments to get the more out of their relationship.
A counselor can also facilitate conversations, and help both partners learn better communication skills. The counselor can also help the couple brainstorm, strategize, connect emotionally, and problem-solve around sensory integration issues, meltdowns, and co-morbid conditions such as anxiety and depression.
If you’ve met one person with Asperger’s, you’ve met one person with Asperger’s.
This quote of Stephen Shore, Ed.D., an author and professor with AS, says it all. While many of the issues and challenges that some couples in an AS marriage face can seem similar, it is important to remember that every individual with AS is different, and each marriage unique.
Not all of these strategies will be equally effective for or apply to everyone. Each couple has to brainstorm and trouble-shoot their marriage based on what works for their unique situation and needs. As in any marriage, the key practices for anyone seeking a happy and loving relationship are awareness, understanding, compassion, connection, respect, passion, and trust.
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Eva Mendes, M.A. leads Spouse, Couples, and Women’s Support Groups at AANE. She is a psychotherapist seeing individuals ( adults with AS and/or their family members) and couples (where one or both have AS) for counseling. She may be reached at 617-669-3040 or [email protected]. Her website is: https://eva-mendes.com/
Coping With a Partner's Asperger's Syndrome - Autism Center
It takes a lot of work to make a marriage or other long-term relationship a success. And when one partner has Asperger’s syndrome, the relationship can be even more of a challenge. Given that Asperger’s makes emotional connections and social communication extremely difficult, it’s no wonder that a partnership between a person with Asperger’s syndrome and someone without it can be filled with stress, misunderstandings, and frustration.
To understand how Asperger’s can create such angst in a relationship, it’s important to know how people with it are affected.
Asperger’s syndrome is a developmental disorder that is part of the autism spectrum. It is considered a high-functioning autism spectrum disorder. Recent statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) show that one in 68 American children born today has some sort of autism spectrum disorder (ASD). Another study published on CDC also shows that ASD is over four times more likely to be diagnosed in males than females.
People with classic autism can have severe impairments in language development and the ability to relate to others. Those with Asperger’s syndrome are affected to a lesser degree, but often have difficulties connecting on a social and emotional level. They have a hard time reading verbal and nonverbal cues like body language and facial expressions, and may have trouble making eye contact. They sometimes don’t pick up on “how” something was said, only on “what” was said. People with Asperger’s may also lack empathy, the ability to understand the feelings of others.
They may unwittingly say or do inappropriate things that offend or hurt others’ feelings.
Though each person with Asperger’s syndrome is unique, some common characteristics include:
- Above-average intelligence
- A keen interest in or obsession with a particular subject — an unusual interest in trains, for example — and being a master on that subject
- Having strict routines or rituals and having a hard time with change or transitions
- Sensory issues
Because of these eccentricities and their lack of social skills, people with Asperger’s may make few friends and are often considered loners.
How Asperger’s Syndrome Impacts RelationshipsLack of empathy is one of the most challenging problems for someone with Asperger's who is in a relationship, says Kathy Marshack, PhD, a psychologist in Vancouver, Wash., who works with couples affected by Asperger’s syndrome and the author of Life With a Partner or Spouse With Asperger Syndrome: Going Over the Edge? The non-Asperger’s member of the relationship gets angry and hurt by the partner’s lack of emotion and understanding, often saying things like, “You just don’t get it!” Because the person with Asperger’s does indeed “not get it,” he or she pulls away and gets angry and defensive, Marshack explains.
Over time, the emotional disconnect can chip away at the relationship. The non-Asperger’s partner often feels unloved, worn down, and depressed, she says.
Asperger’s/non-Asperger’s couples also face a number of other challenges, including:
- Sexual problems. Marshack says sex is one of the first things to fall apart in these relationships. Half of the problem arises from sensory issues, but the other half is the lack of empathy. People with Asperger’s can’t gauge what their partner enjoys (or does not enjoy) by reading their body language. Says Marshack, “Who wants to constantly talk their way through sex, saying things like, ‘Please put your hand here’?”
- Strain during social settings. Because a person with Asperger’s syndrome has difficulty with social skills, Marshack says, the non-Asperger’s partner is always ready to swoop in and “save” his or her partner from embarrassment. Socializing can become simply too much work, and the couple stops doing it or the partners start living separate lives.
Sometimes the Asperger’s partner abuses alcohol to lower inhibitions and feel more “normal” in social situations. - Parenting problems. “When children enter the picture, it’s often the demise of the relationship,” says Marshack. The non-Asperger’s partner is often devastated by the lack of empathy shown to the child: The Asperger’s parent may ignore the child, make caustic comments, and not recognize when the child needs comforting. Sometimes the Asperger’s parent is overly strict or way too lenient, leaving much of the real parenting up to the non-Asperger’s partner. This sets up a parenting battlefield, even though both parents love the child.
Tim Bennett, a painter living in Great Britain, is in a long-term relationship with Tray, a woman with Asperger’s syndrome. Tray refuses to move out of her small one-bedroom apartment or share it with Tim even though the couple have a son together. Francis, age 6, also has Asperger’s and related behavioral issues.
Bennett says that since he and Tray have vastly different parenting styles, they find it better to parent Francis separately to avoid conflict. Tray has a particularly hard time dealing with Francis’s behavior and runs the risk of having a public meltdown if the child is difficult. On the upside, “she can enter into play with him in ways that I cannot, imaginatively creating worlds together," Bennett says. "So we complement each other in many ways as parents."
Jurintha Fallon also knows the difficulties of living with an Asperger’s partner. The stay-at-home mom of two teen boys in Connecticut says life with her husband, Rob, a successful computer engineer with Asperger’s syndrome, is “like riding a roller coaster 24/7 without being strapped in.”
Jurintha and Rob have been married for 20 years, but he was formally diagnosed just two years ago. She had long suspected something was different about Rob. Jurintha’s lightbulb moment came 11 years ago when her younger son was diagnosed with Asperger’s.
“Our son’s behaviors and diagnosis are what quickly led me to believe my husband also had Asperger’s," she says.
Jurintha describes Rob as functioning as an adult on an intellectual level but as a child on an emotional one. The couple has experienced many relationship pitfalls because of Asperger’s, but perhaps the most significant issue has been Rob’s lack of empathy, she says. This issue came to a head a few years ago when their older son had a life-threatening bicycle accident while staying with grandparents in Maine. Jurintha and Rob were at a business event in Boston, but Rob didn’t want to leave to be at his son’s bedside. Rob believed his parents had the situation under control so it was unnecessary to make 2.5-hour drive.
Jurintha finally convinced Rob that they had to go. “The first question my son asked was ‘Did you leave work right away to come up?’" Jurintha says. "I had to lie. Rob didn’t see how upset my younger son was and how exhausted his parents were either.
He started working the next day."
After that incident, Jurintha demanded that Rob see a psychologist to get an Asperger’s assessment. After the diagnosis, Rob started therapy, and he has made big strides in understanding how his Asperger’s affects the marriage. “I am very proud of him,” Jurintha says.
4 Ways to Cope When Your Partner Has Asperger’s SyndromeFor the most part, people with Asperger’s want to be loving partners and parents, but they need help learning how to do it, says Jurintha. Here’s how to make life a little easier for everyone:
- Communicate your needs directly. Do this either verbally or in writing and without emotion. Don’t hint — they just won’t get it, Jurintha says.
- Set clear rules about parenting. Marshack says that the Asperger’s partner needs to agree to stop talking to or disciplining the child in certain situations if the non-Asperger’s parent says to. The Asperger’s partner might be missing something the other parent can pick up on.
Discuss the situation as a couple and work out a solution. - Consider therapy. Marshack suggests starting with individual therapy for both partners and then doing couples therapy. Realize you can’t “fix” your partner, but education is the first step. “Read everything you can about Asperger’s, and become an expert about the dynamics of your own relationship,” Marshack says. Jurintha adds that therapy can help you learn to cope and do more than just survive the relationship.
- Seek support. Consider joining a support group. One online option is Aspergers and Other Half, a support group for women whose partners have Asperger’s. Asperger Syndrome: Partners & Family of Adults With ASD is another community for men and women who love an adult with Asperger's.
Both Jurintha and Tim stress how much they love their partners and are committed to their relationships. “In the end, we love each other, we both know this, and are learning to cope with each other," Jurintha says.
A little humor doesn’t hurt either. “We have a funny thing we say to each other: ‘You drive me crazy!’ ‘Ditto!’ It’s just as challenging for him to cope with me as it is to cope with him."
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By Julie Lynn Marks7 Famous People You Didn’t Know Had Asperger’s Syndrome
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See AllAspies are a priority for them, in contrast to neurotypicals or NT (that is, individuals who do not have Asperger's syndrome).
Their spouses are focused on care and upbringing and have a strong protective instinct. In many ways, they become a link between Aspies and society. 
There may also be a feeling that there is little reciprocity, equality and fairness in the relationship. 
" The material above is a translation of "Married To An Aspie: 25 Tips For Spouses" from the website of Mark Hutton, Asperger's psychologist and relationship coach.
Cynthia Kim: "Asperger's Syndrome and Marriage"
Cynthia Kim is a woman with Asperger's syndrome who wrote the book I Think I'm Autistic: A Guide to Diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorders and Self-Knowledge for Adults (several chapters posted on her website) about the search for the causes of their problems, about the first attempts at self-diagnosis and, finally, about understanding the need to receive an official diagnosis and the process of passing the diagnosis. Cynthia was 42 years old when she found out she had Asperger's Syndrome. She writes a blog, Aspie's Reflections, where she writes about self-diagnosis tests, the complexities of life that come with Asperger's syndrome, the experience of mothering an autistic woman, and her marriage to a neurotypical husband, nicknamed "The Scientist.
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As a woman with Asperger's who has been married to a neurotypical partner for 25 years, I have found some amazing benefits in being an aspint partner. I also ran into some serious problems. This series summarizes 12 lessons my husband and I have learned (often the hard way). I hope some of them will be useful to other couples who have set themselves the task of working on an aspi-nt marriage.
Part 1: Introduction, household chores, understanding the importance of apologizing
Introduction
Being married to someone with Asperger's is a challenge.
Although, this is putting it mildly. Some people may say, and much harsher: that it is impossible. A quick Internet search for "marriage aspergers" turns up many horror stories.
Being married to an aspie is hard work. At times, the NT partner may feel more like a caregiver than a spouse, especially if the aspie partner's symptoms are severe.
But if you're married as an aspi-nt, it's no coincidence that you ended up there. You have made a conscious choice to share your life in what is essentially a cross-cultural partnership. Like any cross-cultural exchange, an aspi-nt marriage can be a rewarding experience or a nightmare. There is not much self-help literature for those of us in aspie marriages, especially for an aspie woman with a neurotypical man (the reverse combination is much more common).
In addition to the usual factors that determine the success of a marriage, there are several unique factors that can destroy or strengthen an aspi-nt marriage:
- How socially experienced the NT partner is
- How willing are both partners to work on how to improve or accept what cannot be changed
As a woman with Asperger's who has been married to a neurotypical partner for 25 years, I feel lucky on all three counts. I am on the high end of a functioning autism spectrum and my husband, The Scientist (as he will henceforth be referred to hereinafter), has strong social skills.
Most importantly, we are both very good at adapting and accepting.
It wasn't always easy. Sometimes it was damn difficult, almost impossible. More than once we considered whether we would be better off apart than together. But we also discovered some amazing benefits of our aspi-nt partnership. Hopefully some of the things we've learned will be helpful to other couples who have the task of living in an aspi-nt marriage.
Lesson #1. Divide household and family responsibilities according to each partner's strengths
I am well aware of my strengths and weaknesses. I am good with organization and planning. And very bad with ironing. I have the patience to help with homework and sit through a two-hour soccer practice. I must not be allowed near power tools. It is a real pleasure for me to explore ways to manage family finances. The thought of having to call my neighbor to confirm our presence at the party makes me want to put it off for a few days, and then I need to lie down and relax.
You are lucky if your partner has slightly different strengths and weaknesses than your own. Sharing household chores makes life easier for both partners and solves one of the biggest potential pitfalls in an aspi-nt relationship: the nt-partner's tendency to feel more like a caregiver than a spouse and loved one. If an aspie partner has well-defined responsibilities that she excels in, then delegating things she is weak at will help her not feel unimportant.
Successful partnerships are built on a rational division of labor and marriage is no different.
Lesson #2. Apologize if you have done something that the partner perceives painfully
This is true for both partners, but especially for the aspie partner.
At times it is difficult for an aspie to understand why something is hurtful. Deal with it. It doesn't matter if what you said or did was unintentional. It doesn't matter what you like best. It doesn't matter if you think it's stupid or pointless.
Just apologize.
I know it's hard. My first impulse is to say "that's not what I meant" or "what's the problem?". But this is a bad idea. If your partner has been harmed by your words or actions, then this is a big problem. Ideally, your NT partner can calmly explain what you did and how it made them feel: "It makes me uncomfortable when you point out in front of other people that I'm not paying attention to the conversation." And then you can just as calmly consider your point of view and apologize: "I'm sorry. I didn't realize I bothered you. I'll try not to do this in the future."
Obviously, it is not easy to carry on such a conversation in a calm and friendly way. For a long time, my husband thought he was just carrying me. After learning more about Asperger's, he began to understand that this is the reason for the stupid things coming out of my mouth. Now he tries to calmly notice when I act insensitively.
We both realized that even if he tells me what is bothering him, I can still do it again in the future.
I'll try not to, but there's no guarantee because Asperger's makes it difficult to generalize from one situation to another. It is very likely that I will say something like this without realizing that it is unpleasant, because, in my opinion, it is not the same thing. It's a matter of faith for an nt partner to give an aspie the benefit of the doubt when that happens, but this kind of trust can be one of the things that will keep your marriage going .
Part 2: Bad days, lack of social skills and sensitivity to touch
Lesson #3. Accept that aspies can have both good and bad days
I try to keep some of my most annoying aspie traits under control, but there are times when symptoms that I thought were under control suddenly reappear or get worse. This tends to happen when I'm stressed or anxious.
A few weeks ago, an unscheduled four-hour wait at the DVM triggered a bout of perseveration . Even though I was aware of it, it was very difficult to stop replaying the situation in my mind over and over again, and worse, out loud.
Not that I really wanted to recalculate our potential wait time based on the speed and number of customers served that were ahead of us, and even in the strange DVM numbering system containing six different prefixes plus a periodic return to the missed number queue. And I didn't enjoy the obsessive tracking of every clerk disappearing for a break, thereby increasing our waiting time, or repeatedly pointing to an arbitrary list of required identification documents. I just couldn't help it, even though I was aware of what was happening and how my perseveration added to the stressful situation for both of us.
Anxiety or sensory overload can exacerbate a wide range of Asperger's symptoms. When I'm stressed, I'm more clumsy, less open to touch, more inflexible in thinking, less willing to deviate from routine, more vulnerable to looping, more prone to tunnel vision, and likely to have a lot of trouble with auditory processing. Symptoms that usually do not affect my functioning become a significant obstacle.
I know it's hard for my husband to control himself in a stressful situation and then deal with the flare of my aspie traits above everything else. Moments like these really test our marriage and I'm still working on ways to make them (moments) less horrific for both of us.
Touch, one of the most important and fundamental aspects of intimate relationships, can be uncomfortable for people with Asperger's. While I'm making a lot of progress in this area, there are still times when I shy away from being touched.
Certain types of touching, particularly light touching and occurring at unexpected times, are very likely to be unpleasant for an aspie. When I am intensely engaged in activities, touch is often perceived as a distraction rather than a spontaneous display of affection. I also withdraw from being touched more often when I'm stressed or anxious.
At times my brain is so busy figuring out the meaning of certain types of touch that it's hard to just relax and enjoy the moment.
Because aspies don't receive many of the non-verbal cues involved in an intimate relationship, we rely heavily on the intellectual side of our brains to process how an intimate moment will proceed. Sounds romantic, yes.
All of this is difficult for the NT partner, who naturally craves physical affection. While it's hard to change my attitude towards touch at the wrong time, I try to compensate by initiating physical contact when I feel comfortable.
Liane Holliday Willey once included holding her husband's hand five times a day on her to-do list. Putting hugs on your to-do list may seem cold and mechanical, but that doesn't mean the action itself will be mechanical. Since I consciously began to look for opportunities to initiate a small amount of touching per day, being physically affectionate has become more natural and feels good for me .
Lesson #5. Accept that the nt partner may need to compensate the aspie partner's social skills many times over
No matter how hard I work to improve my social skills, I still routinely miss non-verbal cues, ranging from puzzled looks and awkward pauses to hostility from other people.
Here is a recent example of the Scientist and I meeting with the salesperson about a new apartment:
The salesperson says to the Scientist (whom she had previously seen):
- Nice to see you again!
The scientist says to the Merchant:
— And I'm glad to see you.
The salesperson tells me:
- I'm Linda. Nice to meet you. Sit down
I say to the Seller (shaking her hand and sitting down):
— And I am pleased to meet you.
(Awkward pause)
The Scientist says to the Salesman:
— Linda, I don't think you know my wife...
I had no idea what caused the awkward pause until the Scientist stepped in and told the salesperson my name. And it dawned on me: The scientist already knows Linda and therefore did not introduce himself. I must have subconsciously imitated his behavior, so I didn't introduce myself either.
Sounds like a no-brainer, but it happens a lot and upsets people. As an aspie and as an adult, you may find it difficult to accept the need for this type of help from your partner.
Again, get over yourself. We all have natural skills, but social skills are not on the aspie's list of natural talents.
This is an area where training can help. If the nt-partner is ready, then you can use role-playing games and talk about how to behave in unexpected situations. However, both partners must understand that no matter how hard an aspie works to improve social skills, it is unlikely that they will reach the natural level of social competence for NT.
Frequently correcting social slips can be difficult for the NT partner and is likely to be problematic throughout the marriage. Acceptance can take a long time in situations where change is slow and inconsistent.
Part 3: Compromise, aspi-style communication and understanding of annoying elements
Lesson #6. Recognize that aspies need to spend a lot of time alone
Being alone is how people with Asperger's syndrome recuperate. If I go to my home office and close the door behind me, it doesn't mean I don't enjoy being around my family.
And it has nothing to do with how much I love my husband. This does not mean that I am indifferent, selfish, cold or insensitive. This means that I have exhausted the limit of social interactions and need to recuperate.
Somehow, the Scientist figured this out years before we knew about Asperger's and learned to recognize that I was reaching my limits in interaction, sometimes even before I did. If we have guests staying for several days, he will definitely arrange a schedule so as to give me time to be alone. If he notices that I'm getting tired or retreating during a long social event, he suggests getting away from the crowd for a short time so that I can take a break. He also understood that if I say that I need to stop participating in a social situation, then it is better to do it, otherwise it will cost me dearly, and it is not worth it.
I probably look like a social tyrant. Maybe that's the way it is. I am certainly not one of the ordinary wives who thrive on entertainment and companionship.
But I have learned that being realistic about my limits and pushing them where possible will be less destructive to our relationship than being sly and eventually crying.
Lesson #7. Compromise
This is good advice for any marriage, but it's especially important if one of the partners has Asperger's. Some of the compromises you make may turn out to be unconventional. For example The scientist and I realized that we needed to compromise on my attendance at social events. He receives many work-related invitations to dinners, cocktail parties, award ceremonies, and so on. We have come to the conclusion (after a long and painful discussion) that it is unrealistic to expect me to attend every event (his preference) or none of them (my preference).
Our compromise: I will attend important events, and he will go alone to less important ones. This means that I will be uncomfortable at times (talking to strangers - oh no!), and he will be awkward at times (justifying my absence).
As with most compromises, both are not entirely happy with this position, but this is the least bad option.
Compromise can be a difficult skill for an aspie. I have found that a cost-benefit approach can help. What will it cost me to do this for a partner? What will it cost him if this is not done? What are the potential benefits for him, for me, for our relationship?
For social events, the biggest expense is usually the anxiety a few days before the event and the physical exhaustion I feel after. The benefits are usually a happy husband and some pleasant moments of social interaction. Listing costs and benefits as specifically as possible gives me relief and helps me to compromise more often, rather than reflexively rejecting all invitations to social events because they require a lot of work.
Lesson #8. Identify annoying elements and try to work around them
Annoying elements may seem strange or even incomprehensible to the NT partner. Case in point: I don't like the bathroom fan running while I'm taking a shower.
The hum of the fan and the feeling of moving air on my damp skin is an unpleasant experience. To complicate matters, the light and fan in the bathroom are on the same power supply, so to avoid the fan, I have to bathe in semi-darkness. The scientist thinks it's stupid. He rolls his eyes when I flip the switch. He says I'll get used to it. It indicates that the fan is on the other side of the room. He understands many of my quirks, but not this one.
All aspies have irritant elements that trigger the stress response. Some people have a lot of them, others have a little. Annoying elements can be natural/sensory (sounds, smells), social (crowds, public speaking), situational (new places, unexpected changes). Some annoying elements, like the fan in the bathroom, are not strong. They cause discomfort or low levels of anxiety, but you can get used to them. Others are more serious - lead to outbursts of anger, tantrums or unexpected dumbness.
If the aspie partner has clearly identified and communicated elements that irritate him, then the nt partner should do his best to reckon with them and, if necessary, use accommodation (adaptation, accommodation - approx.
translator ). Sometimes accommodation is easy and no need to explain why it will be good if the aspie gets the right conditions. Other means of accommodation can cause tension in the relationship. If the aspie partner only sleeps well if she sleeps alone, or she cannot bear shopping, then both partners should be open and honest about how feasible such conditions of accommodation are.
Lesson #9. Communicate
You'll find this tip at the top of most "secrets to a happy marriage" list. The nuance in marriage with aspies is that we have serious communication deficits. The neurotypical partner may believe that the conversation is going on, but almost everything he says does not seem to get through. Neurotypical people communicate in a way that is difficult for aspies to interpret.
Here is a typical example: one day I was making lunch and the following exchange took place:
Me: "I found an interesting new recipe for chorizo and grits. Do you want to try it?"
Scientist: "Good. I'm not hungry."
I was a little offended that he did not want to try a new dish, it seems that I was very nervous, but I overcame myself and cooked myself. Thinking he might want to try it, I offered to try it.
Scientist: "Hey, is that all you did?"
Me: "Yeah, you said you didn't want anything."
Scientist: "Well, I thought you'd cook something for me anyway."
Me: "I asked you if you wanted something to eat, you said you weren't hungry."
Scientist: "I didn't feel like a long romp and wasn't sure there was enough [food] for both of us."
I was stunned. There would be no extra work in doubling the portion and I had a lot of ingredients. Why didn't he just say yes when I asked if he wanted to eat? Apparently, I should have understood that his "no" means "yes". Apparently, this is what "good wives" do. We both felt bad after that: he felt like I was selfish, cooking only for myself, and I felt like I failed the test.
Please note that we have been married for twenty-five years and know each other very well. However, this still happens from time to time.
Aspie needs direct communication. Forget hints. Forget about body language and implied meaning. We need to accurately explain the wants, needs and expectations of our NT partner. And perhaps we need to be told repeatedly and in different ways before we understand.
Part 4: Love and acceptance, aspi style
Lesson #10. Find out how your partner shows love
Aspies and HTs speak completely different languages when it comes to expressing love. You can either learn to translate your partner's "love language" or spend your marriage figuring out if the person you sleep next to every night really loves you.
How does this translation work? Like this:
Scientist: "You don't have to make me lunch every morning. I'll grab something at the cafe."
Me: "Not a problem. It takes a few minutes. Plus, I know you want something healthy to eat. Plus, you won't have to wait in line."
Scientist: "You mean you make me lunch because you care about me?"
Truly so!
Understanding and translating how your partner thinks about love and intimacy can be difficult in an Aspi-NT relationship.
Lesson #11. Agree that there are things you will never understand about your partner
No matter how long you live together or how much you love each other, there will be moments when you feel that your partner is the most misunderstood person on Earth. Aspie and NT brains have key differences. The sooner you accept this, the less disappointed you will be when your partner does something that makes you scratch your head.
Many times the Scientist refused to talk with the words: "I just don't understand you." And not because he didn't try. He asked me many questions, intently trying to figure out what I said or did. He restrains himself and waits while I sit silently and stare into nothingness, unable to put into words what I feel. He repeats what I said to make sure he heard me correctly. But no matter how many different ways I used to explain it, it doesn't make sense because he and I are wired so differently.
And it's mutual. The day the Scientist told me that he felt what he would describe as physical warmth when he said, "I love you," I was stunned. I tell him every day that I love him, but I never connected these words with the physical sensation.
Logically I can figure out what that physical sensation might be, but I'll probably never know exactly how he feels. Similarly, I can tell him that my brain keeps track of the conversations at all the tables within earshot when I'm sitting in a crowded restaurant, but I think that he can never repeat this experience in his head.
We can make educated guesses about what's going on in our partner's mind, but there will always be experiences that we can't really understand.
Lesson #12. Have realistic expectations, but don't stop trying to grow and improve your relationship
When an aspi-nt marriage faces daily challenges, it can lead both partners to despair. I repeatedly thought that leaving would be easier and less painful than trying to work through problems.
Balancing realistic expectations with a concerted effort to improve will help keep the relationship going. Realistic expectations must be mutual. A neurotypical partner should not expect an aspie partner to become a typical human overnight. (The scientist says that he would not want this, even if it were possible).
Also, the aspie partner should not expect the nt partner to simply put up with an endless flurry of unbridled aspie behavior. Knowing what can be changed and what can be tolerated is important.
The second part of this equation is how you can get a warm attitude from an aspie. I am a firm believer in trying to improve my ability to function in the neurotypical world. Before anyone grabs my throat and talks about the potential evils of assimilation, let me explain.
The day I told my husband about Asperger's, one of the first things he said was, "I love you just the way you are." I cherish this and I know that he did not say at all because he wanted to make me feel better. He meant exactly what he said. But I still know that life is hard for me.
