Home » Misc » Signs of emotional and psychological abuse

Signs of emotional and psychological abuse


Emotional and Psychological Abuse | WomensLaw.org

Is emotional abuse the same as psychological abuse?
What is emotional and psychological abuse?
What are the signs of emotional and psychological abuse?
What are some forms of emotional and psychological abuse?
What are the effects of emotional and psychological abuse?
What can I do if I am a victim of emotional and psychological abuse?

Is emotional abuse the same as psychological abuse?
There is no clear agreement among experts in the field whether there is a meaningful difference between emotional and psychological abuse. There is some research that suggests that there are slight differences between the two. Emotional abuse is believed to be broader and so psychological abuse is often considered to be one form of emotional abuse. Also, psychological abuse involves the use of verbal and social tactics to control someone’s way of thinking, such as “gaslighting,” which is not necessarily the same as other forms of emotional abuse.

However, for the purposes of the following questions, WomensLaw will group the terms together since the behaviors described by both concepts are similar enough that there isn’t a real difference when considering legal remedies for victims of these behaviors.

What is emotional and psychological abuse?
Abuse comes in many different forms. Even when there is no physical violence, abusive language can be very damaging to you and your children. Emotional and psychological abuse are include mostly non-physical behaviors that the abuser uses to control, isolate, or frighten you. Often, the abuser uses it to break down your self-esteem and self-worth in order to create a psychological dependency on him/her. Emotional and psychological abuse are hard forms of abuse to recognize because the abuse is spread throughout your everyday interactions. Unlike physical abuse, there are often no isolated incidents or clear physical evidence to reference.1

1 See The National Domestic Violence Hotline, What is Emotional Abuse page

What are the signs of emotional and psychological abuse?
Emotional and psychological abuse may begin suddenly or it may slowly start to enter into your relationship. Some abusers behave like a good partner in the beginning and start the abuse after the relationship is established. When this shift in behavior occurs, it can leave you feeling shocked, confused, and even embarrassed. However, abuse is never your fault even if the abuser tells you it is or if your family members or friends blame you for “allowing” the abuse. It is often difficult to decide whether or not certain behaviors are emotionally or psychologically abusive, especially if you grew up witnessing abuse. However, as with all other types of domestic violence, the behavior is intended to gain and keep power and control over you. Some signs that a partner is being emotionally and psychologically abusive include:

  • humiliating you in front of others;
  • calling you insulting names, such as “stupid,” “disgusting,” or “worthless”;
  • getting angry in a way that is frightening to you;
  • threatening to hurt you, people you care about, or pets;
  • the abuser threatening to harm him/herself when upset with you;
  • saying things like, “If I can’t have you, then no one can;”
  • deciding things for you that you should decide, like what you wear or eat;
  • acting jealous, including constantly accusing you of cheating;
  • continually pretending to not to understand what you are saying, making you feel stupid, or refusing to listen to your thoughts and opinions;
  • questioning your memory of events or denying that an event happened the way you said it did, even when the abuser knows that you are right;
  • changing the subject whenever you try to start conversations with the abuser and others and questioning your thoughts in a way that makes you feel unworthy; and
  • making your needs or feelings seem unimportant or less important than those of the abuser. 1

1 See U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services, Office on Women’s Health, Emotional and Verbal Abuse page

What are some forms of emotional and psychological abuse?
Emotional and psychological abuse can involve behaviors or acts towards you or towards others. Below, we discuss both.

Acts towards others:
Abuse of pets
Pets are commonly viewed as family members and treasured companions. The abuser may use the emotional and psychological connection you have with your pets to gain power and control over you by harming or threatening to harm your pet in any of the following ways:

  • harming your pet to get back at you for actions that you may have taken that show self-determination or independence;
  • harming your pet as “punishment” for something that you or your children did;
  • threatening or harming your pet in an attempt to force (coerce) you into doing something; or
  • forcing you or your children to harm or kill your pet or to watch the abuser do it. 1

Threats to self-harm
When your partner regularly threatens self-harm when you don’t do what the abuser wants you to do or when you decide to leave the relationship, this is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. The abuser is using your love for him/her to manipulate and control you. When your partner makes these threats, steps you can take to protect yourself include:

  • telling your partner you care about him/her, but sticking to your boundaries – in other words, not necessarily doing whatever the abuser tells you is necessary to do to “prevent” self-harm;
  • not taking responsibility for the abuser’s actions if the abuser does decide to self-harm; and
  • remembering that it is not your responsibility to “make” the abuser not self-harm. For example, the abuser may say, “If you really loved me, you’d stop me from killing myself” but this is part of the manipulation that often comes with emotional abuse.2

Acts towards you:
Isolation
In an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship, the abuser will do many things in an attempt to cut all of the emotional ties you have with other people so that the only one left is the one to the abuser. Some signs of this type of isolation include:

  • preventing or discouraging you from seeing family or friends and making you feel guilty when you do;
  • wanting to know what you’re doing all the time and making you be in constant contact;
  • restricting access to transportation so you can’t leave the home;
  • acting jealous of time spent with your family or friends, often to the point where you will “choose” not to see them anymore so you don’t have to put up with the abuser’s jealousy; and
  • wanting you to ask for permission before doing something or spending time with other people.3

Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that tends to happen gradually in a relationship. The term “gaslighting” is used to describe a pattern of behavior in which the abuser intentionally denies that acts or events happened in the way that you know that they happened. An abuser will often twist your emotions, words, and experiences and use them against you, which causes you to question your reality, to doubt your own judgment and memory, and to make you feel that you are “going crazy. ” Signs that you are experiencing gaslighting include:

  • feeling confused, “crazy,” and constantly second-guessing yourself;
  • constantly questioning if you are being “too sensitive”;
  • having trouble making simple decisions;
  • constantly apologizing to your partner;
  • frequently making excuses for your partner’s behavior;
  • finding yourself withholding information from loved ones;
  • starting to lie to avoid the put-downs or reality twists;
  • feeling as though you can’t do anything right; and
  • wondering if you are a “good enough” partner.4

Ultimately, these behaviors are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you, and while they do not leave physical scars, they can leave long-lasting trauma.5

1 This information was adapted from Pets and Domestic Violence
2 See The National Domestic Violence Hotline, When Your Partner Threatens Suicide page
3 See The National Domestic Violence Hotline, What is Emotional Abuse page
4 See The National Domestic Violence Hotline, What is Gaslighting page
5 See U. S. Dept. of Health & Human Services, Office on Women’s Health, Emotional and Verbal Abuse page

What are the effects of emotional and psychological abuse?
Emotional and psychological abuse can have severe short- and long-term effects. This type of abuse can affect both your physical and your mental health. You may experience feelings of confusion, anxiety, shame, guilt, frequent crying, over-compliance, powerlessness, and more. You may stay in the relationship and try to bargain with the abuser or try to change the abuser’s behavior, often placing blame on yourself, even though you are not at fault.

If you’re dealing with severe and ongoing emotional abuse, it’s possible to lose your entire sense of self and begin to doubt your self-worth or your abilities, which may make it even harder to leave the relationship. Long-term emotional abuse can also result in several health problems, including depression, anxiety, substance abuse, chronic pain, and more. 1 It’s important to get emotional support to help you deal with the trauma of emotional and psychological abuse – see What can I do if I am a victim of emotional and psychological abuse? for more information.

1 This information was adapted from U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services, Office on Women’s Health, Emotional and Verbal Abuse page and Effects of Violence Against Women page.

What can I do if I am a victim of emotional and psychological abuse?
If you are the victim of emotional and psychological abuse, you may be hesitant to seek help or tell your friends and family because you fear they will not believe you or take you seriously. You may feel shame or confusion as to what is happening. However, seeking help and support is essential to ending an emotionally or psychologically abusive relationship. The effects of these types of abuse are serious and it is common for emotional and psychological abuse to escalate to physical violence. You can go to our National Organizations - Emotional Abuse section for national resources or talk to an advocate or counselor at your local domestic violence organization, listed on our Advocates and Shelters page. Local domestic violence programs often offer free counseling, support groups, and the advocates in these organizations could point you to other local help and support options.

In addition, depending on how domestic violence is defined in your state, the abuser’s behavior can fall under certain crimes or you may qualify for a restraining order. A few states specifically allow someone to get a restraining order based on “coercive control,” which is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. Even in states where emotional abuse is not considered as a reason for a restraining order, it’s possible that certain emotionally abusive acts may, in fact, qualify you for an order. For example, if an abuser threatens you or continually texts or calls you repeatedly without reason to do so, this could be considered enough to grant an order. In our Restraining Orders page, you can chose your state from the drop-down menu and look for the question where we include the legal definition of domestic violence for the purposes of getting a restraining order. Some states also recognize emotionally abusive acts as crimes, such as threats or public disturbances, for example. You can go to our Crimes page to read through the list of common crimes committed by abusers to see if any match up with the abuser’s actions.

Did you find this information helpful?

Financial Abuse | WomensLaw.org

View all

Updated: 

February 24, 2021

What is financial abuse? What are the signs to look out for?

Financial abuse is one form of domestic abuse. Withholding money, stealing money, and restricting the use of finances are some examples of financial abuse. To figure out if your partner is financially abusing you, think about how you are being treated by answering the following questions.

Does your partner:

  • Steal money from you or your family?
  • Force you to give him/her access to your bank accounts to make transactions without your input?
  • Make you feel as though you don’t have a right to know any details about money or household resources?
  • Put you on an “allowance” even if you object to this?
  • Force to you to account for all money you spend by, for example, asking for receipts?
  • Overuse your credit cards or refuse to pay the bills (thus ruining your credit)?
  • Prevent you from working or attending school or skill-training sessions?
  • Withhold physical resources from you including food, clothes, necessary medications, or shelter?
  • Force you to turn over your paychecks or public benefit payments?
  • Force you to cash in, sell or sign over any financial assets you own (e.g., bonds, stock or property)?
  • Force you to agree to power-of-attorney so s/he can sign legal documents?
  • Force you to work in a family business for little or no pay?
  • Prevent you from obtaining or using credit cards or bankcards?
  • Refuse to work to help support the family?
  • Interfere with your performance at work, by calling you non-stop, visiting your workplace unannounced, etc. ?
  • Threaten to falsely report you for “cheating” on your public benefits so they will be cut off?
  • Force you to cash in, sell or sign over any financial assets or inheritance you own?
  • Force you to agree to a power of attorney that would enable your partner to legally sign documents without your knowledge or consent?1

If you have answered “yes” to more than one of these questions, your partner may be financially abusing you. Where there is financial abuse, there may also likely be other forms of abuse in your relationship. To see if you are being emotionally, physically, or sexually abused, you can go to the following pages on our website: Signs of Abuse and Forms of Abuse.

1 Information adapted from The Allstate Foundation’s & NNEDV’s “Moving Ahead Through Financial Empowerment Curriculum”

The abuser has access to all my financial and identity information. What can I do?

If the abuser has access to your credit card statements, Social Security number, or other identifying information, this can make it easier for him/her to open up accounts in your name or access current accounts. If s/he has your children’s Social Security numbers, s/he can even try to open accounts in your children’s names. You might want to consider taking proactive measures to keep your personal information safe. Some actions you can take are to call your bank and credit card companies and ask that they change your account numbers, PIN numbers, passwords, and other access codes. Try to create passwords that would be hard for someone to guess. If you access your bank account through your personal computer or if you store your financial information on your personal computer, make sure you are using a safe computer that the abuser cannot access and has not installed spyware on. To read more about keeping your computer safe, go to our Safety While Using the Internet page. If appropriate and possible, you may want to consider enrolling in a reputable credit protection program through your current credit card company or bank although that may cost money.

The abuser has asked me to co-sign on a loan or credit card.

Is that a good idea?

Generally, it is not a good idea to co-sign any financial contracts, including credit cards or a car loan, with someone you do not trust completely to be honest and responsible about paying it off. If something happens, such as the other person disappears or refuses to make payments, you can be held responsible for paying off the entire debt and your credit can be ruined if you don’t make timely payments. If you have already co-signed on a loan or credit card and the other person has failed to make payments, go to After the abuser has taken your money and/or run up debt in your name for more information.

© 2008–2021 WomensLaw.org is a project of the National Network to End Domestic Violence, Inc. All rights reserved. This website is funded in part through a grant from the Office for Victims of Crime, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice. Neither the U.S. Department of Justice nor any of its components operate, control, are responsible for, or necessarily endorse, this website (including, without limitation, its content, technical infrastructure, and policies, and any services or tools provided). NNEDV is a 501©(3) non-profit organization; EIN 52-1973408.

15 signs of emotional abuse | PSYCHOLOGIES

43,635

Relationship crisis Man and woman

Of course, no woman wants to be the victim of violence. And once in such a toxic relationship, it is far from immediately decided to admit it to himself. According to American statistics, for example, women only after 5-7 cases of violence decide to leave their partner, and someone does not dare at all. And many, after a while, again fall into the same trap. But it could have been avoided. nine0003

Here are the obvious danger signals that should immediately alert us, according to the memo of the American Women's Center.

1. At the beginning of a relationship, he forces things. You haven't looked back yet, and he already passionately assures: "No one has ever loved me like you!" and literally forces you to live together.

2. He is constantly jealous . He is a terrible owner, calls you endlessly or unexpectedly comes to you without warning. nine0003

3. He wants to control everything. Partner persistently asks what you talked about with friends, where you were, checks the mileage of your car, manages the general money, demands checks for purchases, wants to be asked permission to go somewhere or do something.

4. He has unrealistic expectations about you. He expects you to be perfect in everything and to satisfy his every whim.

5. We find ourselves in isolation. nine0012 He wants to isolate you from friends and family, doesn't let you use your phone or car, doesn't let you look for work.

6. He blames others for his own mistakes. His boss, family, partner - anyone but him is to blame if something goes wrong.

7. Other people are responsible for his feelings. He says "You made me angry" instead of saying "I'm angry". "I wouldn't be so angry if you didn't..."

8. He's oversensitive. nine0012 He takes offense at any reason and makes scenes because of the slightest injustices that life is full of.

9. He is cruel to animals and children. He mercilessly punishes or even kills animals. From children, he can demand that they are beyond their strength, or tease, bringing them to tears.

10. He enjoys playing violence in bed. For example, throwing the partner on her back or forcibly holding her in place against her will. Rape fantasies arouse him. He forces you - by force or manipulation - to do something for which you are not ready. nine0003

11. He uses verbal abuse. He constantly criticizes you or says something unpleasant: devalues ​​you, scolds you, calls you names, recalls painful moments from your past or present, while assuring that you yourself are to blame for everything.

12. He is a supporter of rigid gender roles in relationships. You must serve him, obey and stay at home.

13. His mood changes dramatically. Just now he was affectionate and loving - and suddenly he suddenly falls into a rage. nine0003

14. He used physical violence. He admits that in the past he raised his hand against a woman, but explains this by circumstances or assures that the victim herself brought him down.

15. He threatens with violence. For example, he may say: “I will break your neck!”, but then he will assure that he did not mean it seriously.

At a minimum, these signs indicate that your partner is prone to emotional abuse. But with a high probability it will sooner or later develop into a physical one. nine0003

Text: Alina Nikolskaya Photo Source: Getty Images

New on the site

Are you a victim of FOMO? 6 Ways to Overcome the Fear of Missing Out

“Every time a relationship got serious, I left. Why?"

“I regret that I confessed to my husband that I had cheated. How to restore good relations?

Incubi, sacrifice and orgies: what is sexual magic - dive into the story

How to recognize a womanizer: 10 signs - check your partner

New Year's aggravation: why do we get sad before the holidays

“For 15 years I have not found a girlfriend on dating sites”

Joint birth: harm or benefit for relationships?

If the partner does not beat, but deprives the will. 7 Ways to Recognize Psychological Abuse

Moral abuse is an even more subtle topic than physical abuse. The partner does not drink, does not raise his hand to you, but deprives you of the will psychologically.

With the recognition of physical violence, modern people are more or less clear. Thanks to the educational work of psychologists, it is no longer a secret that violence is not necessarily sexual coercion or beatings. Keep a person at home when he wants to leave or, on the contrary, not let him in when he wants to go home; taking away keys, phone, documents or money to make it difficult for him to move around is also physical abuse. Yelling or hitting a wall/table to break your will during an outbreak of conflict is physical abuse, even if no one has even touched you (yet). An abusive partner intuitively argues very simply: rough physical actions in your presence, in front of your eyes, frighten you and paralyze your will. nine0003

Finished reading here

But what about moral violence? There is no noise, no destruction. No punches, no slaps. No broken things, no other people's letters read without permission. How to recognize him? Let's look at the types of psychological abuse.

Let's start with the harmless. Hearing that you don't want to visit his parents again this weekend, your partner silently draws a face. The look was covered with frost, lips in a thread. He says OK. But his voice! It's like he just wrote you a ticket. Clearly, guests cannot be canceled (you guessed it). nine0003

2. Partially ignored. Filter questions according to your goals. If you cut a pancake cake, then it is striped on the cut. It also looks like "on the cut" communication with a moral abuser. Some answers are successful, others are not.

— How about Friday? I missed.

— Yes, dear!

- And who is Masha Hibiscus, does she flirt with you on Facebook?

He does not answer.

— Honey, what do you want for dinner?

— Please bake my favorite sea bass with lemon and rosemary. nine0003

— Hey, why do you talk on the phone from the bathroom in the evenings with the shower on? Do you have someone?

He does not answer.

You can, of course, go for broke, wait for the meeting and ask: why do you skip uncomfortable questions? In such cases, moral rapists have other tricks.

3. Stare without comment. This is when he is Boa Kaa, and you ... you yourself understand who.

- Dear, we could reschedule the trip out of town, I absolutely need to get to this conference for work. nine0003

In response, he looks at you without looking away.

- Did I ask something wrong?

Without blinking, he continues to pierce the bridge of your nose with his eyes.

You got scared and your question disappeared somewhere. Then, when you ask: “Are you not happy that I refused that conference, because you were so against it ...”, he will say with a yawn: “I was against it? Stop blaming me for your own mistakes." And he will be right. He didn't say he was against it. He just looked between your eyes. By the way, try to squeal that he somehow looked wrong. He will say: “Did I watch? I stood with my back to you and mixed Cointreau with a martini. Perhaps you drank too much that evening? And it's already called... nine0003

4. Gaslighting. The detective film "Gas Light" of 1948 about how a young wife became a hostage of her husband's criminal goals. He made her look crazy in the eyes of her relatives, and most importantly, made her doubt her own sanity. Gaslighting refers to the intentional "madness" of another person. The gaslighter deliberately asserts and even "proves" that the victim's psyche is flawed and cannot be relied upon. And the victim believes. Your friend does small things (like lying a little all the time) or even some big things (spending the general money on his personal climbing equipment, blackmailing you into having an abortion, or sleeping with your girlfriend). And then he says one of the phrases: “What is wrong with you?”, “Are you in a bad mood?”, “It’s not true, we agreed”, “You yourself wanted this”, “Oh, are you starting again?”, “I don’t meant it”, “You misunderstood me”, “It never happened”. In romantic relationships, gaslighters use the universal property of falling in love - regression. Are you in love and feel like a little child? So nice to submit to a wise and charismatic friend? Let him do as he sees fit, to dissolve in it - a pleasure? If your man is strong and mature, he will thank you for your trust and will only love you more. If you are dealing with a moral abuser, waking up from love, you will find yourself in a relationship where you decide nothing and where everything is against you if you do not agree with it. And to the question "why is everything so?" He will say: "You yourself wanted this." And he will be right. nine0003

5. Blackmail, shame or guilt and seduction. Your friend reports that because of a missed visit to the family nest, mom has a bad heart, dad tore his meniscus while running to the pharmacy, and he is now so upset that he doubts the prospects of your relationship. (as usual, he looks down the bridge of your nose). In this example, the whole “package” is visible: the manipulation of guilt, an attempt to shame / scare you, blackmail by breaking up a relationship. If you come to your senses and immediately promise everything that you refused yesterday, he will immediately become nice and make amends with affection, sex or a walk in your favorite park. nine0003

6. Ignoring, disappearing for the purpose of punishment. The once-famous pediatrician Benjamin Spock advised not to go in at night to a crying baby so that he "understands" that good babies sleep at night, not cry. At the same time, another doctor, John Bowlby, with numbers in his hands, proved that the baby, again and again experiencing the inability to call on his mother, plunges into "anaclitic depression", from which he can even die despite complete care. We also experience a weak solution of infantile horror-despair when a dear person disappears “from the radar” without any comments. Moral abusers intuitively use this tool to intimidate their partners: “Nice girls don’t ask their lover uncomfortable questions about flirting and phone calls from the bathroom. Twitch, sort out our quarrel on the staff. Find the mistake, guess where you were wrong. And the day after tomorrow, perhaps, I will forgive you.” nine0003

7. He is actually the victim. Do you remember that Sunday when you didn't want to visit and he heavily hinted that he would leave you? If one day you risk outplaying him and immediately react with blackmail for blackmail, you will be amazed at the enchanting metamorphosis. Say: “Darling, I get so upset when they put pressure on me that I don’t even know what the prospects for our relationship are ...” - here you need to look at him for a long time between the eyebrows. I know a story when yesterday's moral rapist cried for two weeks without a break and littered all the messengers of his girlfriend with pleas to forgive him. It turned out he was unaware of her discomfort. When blackmail stops working, and seduction is inappropriate, he presses on pity. You soften and everything starts again. nine0003

The core of any violence is the object manipulation of another person. Even wrapped in politeness, seduction or cunning, violence betrays itself according to the main feature - in a relationship you are an object, not a subject, not a person, not a person with his own feelings and will. And they treat you like an object: they manipulate you functionally, sorting through different techniques, looking for master keys. If you are malleable, use soft tricks. If soft ones are not effective, use pressure.

Very often a partner prone to psychological violence alternates aggression with seduction. As soon as you stop bending, he becomes charming and in a deep velvety voice asks you for reconciliation. And gives a ticket for a musical or a tour to Bali. You relax, and after a couple of days he again scolds you, drills his eyes and punishes you with silence.

Learn more