Relationship advice for teens

A Mom's Practical Dating Advice For Teenage Girls

High School Relationships

by Lisa Sugarman | February 21, 2019

Dating and daughters… it’s a delicate subject, especially between moms and our girls. The thought of our daughters being in the game can make us feel like throwing up in our mouths. And just mentioning it to our girls can make them feel like slamming doors in our faces because they’re sure they know it all.

So it’s a tricky one, this whole relationship thing. Because, as women who have already played the game when we were young, we want to save our daughters from the heartbreak and perils of dating, and they want us to butt the @$&! out. And therein lies the challenge.

Here’s the practical advice I want my teen girls to know about dating. (Rawpixel.com/Shutterstock)

As moms, we need to give our girls the knowledge to navigate relationships in a way that respects their boundaries and ensures they have all the tools they need to avoid getting hurt. And that’s not exactly easy, but it is doable because all it takes is prioritizing the super-important stuff and reinforcing it repeatedly (with our fingers crossed behind our backs that they’re listening).

See, imparting wisdom is just what we do as moms because there’s so much we need our daughters to know and remember and do. And even though we wish they’d just let us ride shotgun on every date and be part of every relationship decision, that’s never going to happen.

So, we do the next best thing: to talk all the talk and give our girls as much of our knowledge as we can before they ever even leave the house. We distill all the important dos and don’ts and pass down our field guide for how to survive in the dating world.

And while the list of advice we want to give our daughters could go on forever, some highlights show up pretty regularly on every mom’s list, including mine:

First and foremost, be yourself. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Be authentic to who you are, so there’s zero confusion about who you are.
Set boundaries, so you don’t do something you’re not ready to do.
Stay away from drama. No one wants to be caught in a stressful, dramatic situation, so keep things open and honest.
Never give up your independence. Make sure you’re as good being on your own as you are together.
Don’t compromise who you are or what you want, no matter what.
You’ll get your heart broken, but the pain won’t last forever. And while it may take a while for the hurt to fade, time does heal most heart wounds.
Make sure the person you’re with brings out the best in you.
Breakups suck, but they’ll show you what kind of a person you want to be and what you want to avoid.
Don’t have sex until you’re ready. You get to decide the pace that works for you, so don’t ever let anyone pressure you into doing something you’re uncomfortable with.
Never compare anyone to your ex, it’s just bad form. Plus, no two people are the same, so comparing is a waste of time.
Show gratitude when your partner does something special for you. Few things mean more than letting someone know you’re grateful for an act of kindness.
Don’t settle for less than you deserve. Relationships work in two directions, so if you’re not getting back some version of what you’re putting in, it’s time to move on.
Never assume you know what your partner is thinking. Ask for yourself, so there’s no confusion.
Avoid talking smack about your partner because it’ll always make its way back to you as the source, and that’s a guaranteed relationship-ender.
Don’t play head games. Say what you mean and what you say so that everyone’s always on the same page.
Remember to talk to each other. Because relationships are always a work in progress, you need to keep the lines of communication open.
Never kiss and tell. Keep what you and your partner do to yourself because it’ll always bite you on the ** if you start blabbing.
If you’re breaking up with someone, be kind. There’s no easy way to tell someone they’re not The One, so just do it thoughtfully.
Moms are always there in the wings to help when you need us. This isn’t a complete list, and I could go on for days, but these tips proved to be the most important bits of dating advice I shared with my teen daughters over the years. So use this as a jumping-off point and just start the conversation.

Add your advice and the opinions of the people you trust, and then just keep talking. Because the sooner you start the dialogue, the better equipped your girls will be to handle themselves when they’re out on their own. And even though we have to back out of the picture eventually and let them make their own decisions, we can still ensure that all of our advice is safely tucked inside their metaphorical wristlet every time they head out the door.

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Home / Articles / High School / A Mom’s Practical Dating Advice For Teenage Girls

About Lisa Sugarman

Lisa Sugarman lives just north of Boston, Massachusetts. She writes the nationally syndicated opinion column It Is What It Is and is the author of How to Raise Perfectly Imperfect Kids and Be Ok with It--Real Tips & Strategies for Parents of Today's Gen Z KidsUntying Parent Anxiety: 18 Myths That Have You in Knots—And How to Get Free, and LIFE: It Is What It Is, available on Amazon, at Barnes & Noble, and at select bookstores everywhere. Read and discuss all her columns and books at lisasugarman.com. Or, find them on GrownAndFlown, Thrive Global, Hot Moms Club, LittleThings, MommingHubb, More Content Now, Wickedlocal, This Mama Wines, and Care(dot)com. She's also the founder and moderator of The Vomit Booth, the popular Facebook Group where parents can go to bond, share, and connect over the madness of raising kids in today's world.

Am I in a Healthy Relationship? (for Teens)

It Feels Like Love — But Is It?

It's totally normal to look at the world through rose-colored glasses in the early stages of a relationship. But for some people, those rose-colored glasses turn into blinders that keep them from seeing that a relationship isn't as healthy as it should be.

What Makes a Healthy Relationship?

Hopefully, you and your significant other are treating each other well. Not sure if that's the case? Take a step back from the dizzying sensation of being swept off your feet and think about whether your relationship has these qualities:

Mutual respect. Does he or she get how great you are and why? Make sure your BF or GF is into you for who you are. Does your partner listen when you say you're not comfortable doing something and then back off right away? Respect in a relationship means that each person values the other and understands — and would never challenge — the other person's boundaries.
Trust. You're talking with a guy from French class and your boyfriend walks by. Does he completely lose his cool or keep walking because he knows you'd never cheat on him? It's OK to get a little jealous sometimes — jealousy is a natural emotion. But how a person reacts when feeling jealous is what matters. There's no way you can have a healthy relationship if you don't trust each other.
Honesty. This one goes hand-in-hand with trust because it's tough to trust someone when one of you isn't being honest. Have you ever caught your girlfriend in a major lie? Like she told you that she had to work on Friday night but it turned out she was at the movies with her friends? The next time she says she has to work, you'll have a lot more trouble believing her and the trust will be on shaky ground.
Support. It's not just in bad times that your partner should support you. Some people are great when your whole world is falling apart but not that interested in hearing about the good things in your life. In a healthy relationship, your significant other is there with a shoulder to cry on when you find out your parents are getting divorced and to celebrate with you when you get the lead in a play.
Fairness/equality. You need to have give-and-take in your relationship. Do you take turns choosing which new movie to see? As a couple, do you hang out with your partner's friends as often as you hang out with yours? You'll know if it isn't a pretty fair balance. Things get bad really fast when a relationship turns into a power struggle, with one person fighting to get his or her way all the time.
Separate identities. In a healthy relationship, everyone needs to make compromises. But that doesn't mean you should feel like you're losing out on being yourself. When you started going out, you both had your own lives (families, friends, interests, hobbies, etc.) and that shouldn't change. Neither of you should have to pretend to like something you don't, or give up seeing your friends, or drop out of activities you love. And you also should feel free to keep developing new talents or interests, making new friends, and moving forward.
Good communication. Can you talk to each other and share feelings that are important to you? Don't keep feelings bottled up because you're afraid it's not what your BF or GF wants to hear. And if you need some time to think something through before you're ready to talk about it, the right person will give you some space to do that.

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What's an Unhealthy Relationship?

A relationship is unhealthy when it involves mean, disrespectful, controlling, or abusive behavior. Some people live in homes with parents who fight a lot or abuse each other — emotionally, verbally, or physically. For some people who have grown up around this kind of behavior it can almost seem normal or OK. It's not!

Many of us learn from watching and imitating the people close to us. So someone who has lived around violent or disrespectful behavior may not have learned how to treat others with kindness and respect or how to expect the same treatment.

Qualities like kindness and respect are absolute requirements for a healthy relationship. Someone who doesn't yet have this part down may need to work on it with a trained therapist before he or she is ready for a relationship.

Meanwhile, even though you might feel bad or feel for someone who's been mistreated, you need to take care of yourself — it's not healthy to stay in a relationship that involves abusive behavior of any kind.

Warning Signs

When a boyfriend or girlfriend uses verbal insults, mean language, nasty putdowns, gets physical by hitting or slapping, or forces someone into sexual activity, it's a sign of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse.

Ask yourself, does my boyfriend or girlfriend:

get angry when I don't drop everything for him or her?
criticize the way I look or dress, and say I'll never be able to find anyone else who would date me?
keep me from seeing friends or from talking to other guys or girls?
want me to quit an activity, even though I love it?
ever raise a hand when angry, like he or she is about to hit me?
try to force me to go further sexually than I want to?

These aren't the only questions you can ask yourself. If you can think of any way in which your boyfriend or girlfriend is trying to control you, make you feel bad about yourself, isolate you from the rest of your world, or — this is a big one — harm you physically or sexually, then it's time to get out, fast. Let a trusted friend or family member know what's going on and make sure you're safe.

It can be tempting to make excuses or misinterpret violence, possessiveness, or anger as an expression of love. But even if you know that the person hurting you loves you, it is not healthy. No one deserves to be hit, shoved, or forced into anything they don't want to do.

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Why Are Some Relationships So Difficult?

Ever heard about how it's hard for someone to love you when you don't love yourself? It's a big relationship roadblock when one or both people struggle with self-esteem problems. Your girlfriend or boyfriend isn't there to make you feel good about yourself if you can't do that on your own. Focus on being happy with yourself, and don't take on the responsibility of worrying about someone else's happiness.

What if you feel that your girlfriend or boyfriend needs too much from you? If the relationship feels like a burden or a drag instead of a joy, it might be time to think about whether it's a healthy match for you. Someone who's not happy or secure may have trouble being a healthy relationship partner.

Also, intense relationships can be hard for some teens. Some are so focused on their own developing feelings and responsibilities that they don't have the emotional energy it takes to respond to someone else's feelings and needs in a close relationship. Don't worry if you're just not ready yet. You will be, and you can take all the time you need.

Ever notice that some teen relationships don't last very long? It's no wonder — you're both still growing and changing every day. You might seem perfect for each other at first, but that can change. If you try to hold on to the relationship anyway, there's a good chance it will turn sour. Better to part as friends than to stay in something that you've outgrown or that no longer feels right for one or both of you. And before you go looking for amour from that hottie from French class, respect your current beau by breaking things off before you make your move.

Relationships can be full of fun, romance, excitement, intense feelings, and occasional heartache, too. Whether you're single or in a relationship, remember that it's good to be choosy about who you get close to. If you're still waiting, take your time and get to know plenty of people.

Think about the qualities you value in a friendship and see how they match up with the ingredients of a healthy relationship. Work on developing those good qualities in yourself — they make you a lot more attractive to others. And if you're already part of a pair, make sure the relationship you're in brings out the best in both of you.

Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD

Date reviewed: February 2017

5 Tips on How to Build a Relationship with Your Teenager So He Will Say “Thank You” to You Later

Sooner or later, children turn into teenagers, and parents have a hard time. A previously smiling, kind child becomes irritable and touchy. Vladimir Lukashin, a psychologist at Lomonosov School No. 5, tells how it is easier to survive a transitional age and build trusting relationships with a child.

You always had a great relationship with your child when he was little, but something went wrong at 12? Everything is fine. This is the norm! When a child becomes a teenager, not only his physiology changes, but also his social status. All this is reflected in the emotional state of the child and in his interaction with others.

Psychologists often receive inquiries from parents about a so-called trusting relationship with a teenager. Like, make sure that my relationship with my son / daughter becomes the same as before. When asked how to build warm relationships, it usually means that they need to be built anew. "Tear down the old house and build a new one."

Adolescence is the most tender age. No longer a child, but not yet an adult. Ready to do adult things, but not ready to take responsibility for them

In need of mother's affection, but desperate to show that this is not so! Here it is important to be patient and remember: the crisis is temporary, and in order to overcome it, you have to work on yourself. Here are some rules to help you

1. Create a gray area

It's important to let your teen do things you don't approve of.

The main thing is to explain your negative attitude towards this

. A teenager is characterized by opposition: he will do everything in defiance of you, testing you for strength and exploring the boundaries of what is permissible. The task of parents during this period is to strike a balance between prohibitions and permissions. Remember how easy it was with a five-year-old? This is possible, but this is not. For a teenager, you will have to form a third option - a “gray zone”. It will contain things that you do not approve of, but are ready to allow - to wear jeans with holes or get pierced - for each family there is a "grey zone". Why should you allow it? Transitional age is the time when it is permissible to experiment. If you forbid experiments, the teenager will still make his share of mistakes, he will simply select them from the "black list". And he will let you deal with the consequences, and without "trusting relationships".

2. Respect the space of a teenager

Teenagers are acutely aware of the need for personal space

The desire for loneliness is another feature of adolescence. Even isolation. For the first time, an adolescent sharply distinguishes himself from the world around him and realizes his separateness, repeating the crisis of seven years. This means, among other things, the need for a separate space, ideally in your own room, to be alone. Many parents, realizing this need, intuitively solve this problem based on the capabilities of the family, but forget to support the idea of personal space in small things. For example, they do not knock on the door of a teenager's room, dictate which posters can be hung and which not, and so on. But the child has grown up and become a separate person, therefore, if you are ready to give him a personal territory, its boundaries must be respected. It is not worth allowing a child to make a fire in his room, but knocking on the door is a must, unless, of course, you want him to knock when he comes to you. Maybe to have a confidential conversation.

3. Respect the adolescent's feelings

Do not question the value of the adolescent's experiences.

This can permanently destroy trust between you

Speaking of respect for a teenager's space, do not forget about his feelings. At a transitional age, the child has an acute sensitivity to third-party assessments. Imagine how a son comes from the fifth grade and says that he has fallen in love. Will you take this seriously? Can you not laugh? And it is necessary! This is a feeling, and it is no better or worse than yours. Unrequited love hurts teenagers no less than adults, and shared love fills the soul with joy at 40, 50, and 89. Do you want a confidential conversation when the child becomes an adult? Start talking to him at twelve.

4. You need a mood for affection

A teenager should not always be ready for strong parental hugs. Try to understand when you really need it

The need for affection in a teenager is almost as strong as in a younger child. Small children always come up to "stroke" themselves. You will not expect this from a teenager, although he also needs it. To receive affection is a right, not a duty, of a teenager. Therefore, do not be offended if, in response to your display of tenderness, he mumbles with displeasure: "I'm not small." So he doesn't need it now. Understand when it is necessary and come up. This is how you win the trust of the child. One hug at the right time is equal to a thousand words.

5. Replace criticism with discussion

Try not to criticize the teenager. Instead, explain and discuss how you see the problem and how it can be solved

Adolescence heightens sensitivity to criticism, so stop scolding the "child". Adults don't scold each other. They sort things out, look for common ground, sometimes break dishes, but one adult does not chastise another from the position "from above". Do you want your son (or your daughter) to share his victories and feelings with you? For this, the first four points are enough. But if you want to know about the troubles and problems of a teenager, stop criticizing him.

Sometimes parents demand that their child study hard or stop playing computer games. But it always means "Give me back my five-year-old boy/girl."

The main task of parents is not only to transfer responsibility to the child, but also to help them cope with it. A student of grades 5-6 cannot be fully responsible for his life, but for some of its areas - completely. For example, the child himself must solve the problem with "deuces", and having household chores is not only correct, but also useful for the future.

By respecting the feelings, desires and personal boundaries of a teenager, by listening to what he or she is talking about, you will not only be able to win his trust, but will also help you overcome the most difficult moments of adolescence.

Photo: iStockphoto (Yudin_Andrey, lolostock, shironosov, vadimguzhva)

Cover image: iStockphoto / KatarzynaBialasiewicz

6 tips for parents from a psychologist

children's center and

youth

Development

Phones

+7(495)135-15-45+7(901)388-61-35

Author: Denis Vizer

Contents:

How to communicate with a teenager - first-hand opinion
What is communication for a teenager?
Why do communication problems arise?
Communication with the child every day
Rules for improving communication between parents and their adolescent children
How to communicate with a teenager - 6 tips from a psychologist
Help for parents and children at the K. O.T.

How to communicate with a teenager - advice from a psychologist

The question of how to communicate with teenagers is important to many parents. After all, they are no longer children, but not yet adults. How to find a common language with them, to agree, to be able to grow a real personality. Who better to tell how to communicate with teenagers than they themselves?

Our young author, Elizaveta, aged 14, shared her thoughts on this. And the coach of the K.O.T. - their experience and practical recommendations for parents.

How to communicate with teenagers - first-hand opinion

I think it's no secret to anyone that communication is an important part of a person's life. But in adolescence, communication is even more important.

What is "communication" for a teenager?

Before answering this question, let's think about what teenagers expect from a conversation with their parents.

I, as a teenager, can say that communication for me is:

A tool for learning new things, gaining knowledge;
Opportunity to share your observations and discuss interesting things;
Method of emotional support;
Help in making decisions;
Also, I usually expect positive energy from the conversation.

It seems to me that adults expect the same from teenagers. However, problems still arise. Often there are situations when the conversation does not live up to expectations ...

Why are there problems in communicating with a teenager?

He is “not ready!” - Pick a time to talk.
Maybe a teenager is tired, offended by something, or he has his own problems - a deuce in a lesson, a failed drawing, a quarrel with friends - believe me, at the age of 15, a teenager can also have many reasons for frustration. Then there is absolutely no desire to communicate with anyone, I want to digest my sadness in myself, only then start talking.

The adult may also be tired, he may have difficulties at work, or he may have been upset by some incident that makes him want to withdraw into himself.

That is, it is important to choose the time to talk. And if you clearly see that there is no mood, then postpone the conversation. Or at least ask if your interlocutor is ready to talk now.
Doesn't know what to say.
It is important to remember that talking can lift your spirits or help you get over a problem. And also remind the interlocutor of this. And softly. For example, like this: “Son, I know - it happens that there is no mood to speak at all, I know. But often talking really helps. Let's try to have a little chat?"

Also, it seems to me that if the child is already conscious and quite mature, you can talk frankly, say what is troubling you, and suggest a plan of action. And then ask the teenager to say what does not suit him and worries him, and come up with a plan together.
Difficulty initiating a conversation
You can invite the child to speak as if you are not there. It's hard to get started, but it really helps! This will help to find out the reasons for the sadness of a teenager. And often, after speaking out, a teenager will become less sad. The reason for sadness in reality may seem insignificant, or even be exhausted.
You feel like you are being interrogated.
This happens when adults become very interested in you and try to start a conversation. In this format, it is difficult for your son or daughter to speak frankly, to talk in general in principle. There is an option here - to play the game. Take turns, parent first, then teen, to name something that upsets or annoys you.

Daily communication with the child

Above, we talked about frank, deep conversations, which for me, for example, are very important. But these conversations don't happen every day.

Respect is the key to a good relationship.
In everyday communication, in order to avoid problems, a teenager and all family members need to establish a law: respect others - do not be rude, do not interrupt, do not get into someone else's conversation. This is quite simple to observe, and communication will become easier and more pleasant. And you don't have to comment on each other. It is also important that this rule is observed by both parties. That is, you cannot interrupt a child's conversation with a friend with your sudden appearance, just as a teenager should not distract you from talking on the phone.
15 minutes for "free communication"
Every day for 15 minutes to talk “about the weather - about nature”, that is, about abstract topics, such as, indeed, the weather. Say whatever comes to mind. About politics, books, movies or birds. In these agreed 15 minutes, all rules are canceled - speak how you want, when you want and about what you want. You can tell your teenager stories from your childhood, about the most boring movie or the saddest book, about the best vacation and the strangest thing you did, about the kindest friend or about the game you always lost. And you, in turn, will find out what is happening in the life of your child. What color monsters he is afraid of, which leaves he likes best, which hares, in his opinion, are the kindest. Tell the child that at this time he can swear and scream, mumble something offended, and when his stocks of resentment and anger run out, he will find out what secret password was in childhood in his mother’s games, where his secret headquarters was dads. Tell the child that if he is offended by you, let him not be shy to express it in those cherished 15 minutes. And after a possible angry tirade, start the most ordinary conversation, tell something from your childhood that annoyed and angered you then. Let these minutes be moments of revelation, let none of you be embarrassed to talk about your feelings and sensations.

This will help, from my own experience, your child to believe that you are human, which means that talking to you will not be so scary.

Rules for improving communication between parents and their teenage children:

Do not be rude or interrupt
Do not compare your child with others (it is very unpleasant to hear when it turns out that some other person is better than you, and even your mom and dad admit it. As if they say you are not good enough.)
Don't raise your tone
If we are talking about an idea or a work, do not get personal.
Some time a day (preferably regular) to say whatever you want.
You can introduce a tradition - instead of books and phones at lunch, tell each other stories. At the same time, phones should be far away, and preferably turned off. This trains not to interrupt, listen carefully and develops public speaking skills.

Such a short list of agreements helps to improve family relations and learn new things about each other.

A cure for sadness, or what to do if just talking is not enough?...

However, there are situations when just talking is too little or impossible (for example, due to a sore throat). Then the question arises - is it possible to replace the conversation with something? My answer is yes, you can.

But seriously, here it is, the best cure for sadness is hugs.

This medicine is universal, it helps both from a bad mood and from resentment, but not completely, resentment is treated only by talking, and from disagreements.

What else can help?

Cute notes, photos, hearts or just gifts from the heart will also help cure the above-mentioned ailments.
Laughter is one of the best medicines! Often a funny joke causes laughter even in people with a sore throat, even in people who are very offended by each other.
You can replace conversations, but not entirely, with jokes, joint activities or hobbies.

Summing up, I want to remember what communication is, I wrote about it at the beginning of the article. And to add that this is a way of learning new things not only in the world around us, but also in relation to other people. This is a way to make relationships warmer, happier, to bring a spark of laughter and enthusiasm into them.

What would you add to this definition?

How to communicate with a teenager: 6 advice from a psychologist

Often, while raising a child, they try to keep track of everything, check everything. By adolescence, children already have a lot of control over themselves. If you feel that your child cannot do this, you should pay more attention to developing a sense of responsibility, rather than total control.

2. Be interesting to yourself and him, love yourself, talk about yourself

If a parent has diverse interests, he has something to talk about, it is much more interesting to communicate with him. If he tells stories from life, about his childhood, cases at work - it's interesting to listen to!

3. Do not judge.

You should not always tell your child “what is good and what is bad”. And it doesn't matter how old your child is. Learn to just “talk”, communicate, laugh. Conversation with a child is not always education.

4. Learn to listen.

Parents often ask us why teenagers don't tell them anything. In fact, they say. And about what they are interested in, and about their desires. But you often deny or condemn what is close to teenagers. Are you familiar with the phrases “this is all nonsense” or “would you do something useful”?

5. Don't deny your teenager's feelings and emotions.

He feels what he feels. He does not need to be persuaded. Just listen, don't judge, support. You should not say “do not be afraid of the exam”, “where are you tired - you did nothing all day”, etc. Moreover, this does not mean that everything should be let go. But you can ask for help in another way: “I understand that you are tired. But so do I. Let's get together now…”

6. Love and give a sense of security.

He needs to know that mom and dad love him. The houses are waiting. Always, no matter what happens. He has a reliable rear and support.

Help in the training center K.O.T.

Problems in communication with parents and adolescents are a common reason for contacting our center.

Learn more