Red flags for emotional abuse

Know the Red Flags of Abuse

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It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.

In fact, many abusers may seem absolutely perfect on the surface — as if they are the dream partner — in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

If you’re beginning to feel as if your partner or a loved one’s partner is becoming abusive, there are a few behaviors that you can look out for. Watch out for these red flags and if you’re experiencing one or more of them in your relationship, call The Hotline to talk about what’s going on:

Embarrassing or putting you down
Looking at you or acting in ways that scare you
Controlling who you see, where you go, or what you do
Keeping you or discouraging you from seeing your friends or families
Taking your money or refusing to give you money for expenses
Preventing you from making your own decisions
Telling you that you are a bad parent or threatening to harm or take away your children
Preventing you from working or attending school
Blaming you for the abuse, or acting like it’s not really happening
Destroying your property or threatening to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidating you with guns, knives or other weapons
Shoving, slapping, choking or hitting you
Attempting to stop you from pressing charges
Threatening to commit suicide because of something you’ve done
Threatening to hurt or kill you
Pressuring you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol
Preventing you from using birth control or pressuring you to become pregnant when you’re not ready

Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partners.

If you’re concerned about some of these things happening in your relationship, please feel free to give us a call at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

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What is emotional abuse? | The National Domestic Violence Hotline

“I don’t want you going out with them. I trust you; I just don’t trust them. ”

“You know you can’t get anyone better than me. You are lucky to be with me.”

“Are you sure you want to eat that? I’m just attracted to someone who takes care of themselves.”

“You’re so dumb. I knew this would be over your head.”

Do any of these sentences sound familiar? If so, you might be in an emotionally abusive relationship.

Many people hear the word “abuse” and think of physical violence. Physical abuse is one type of abuse, but it is certainly not the only one.

According to The Hotline’s 2020 Data, 95% of contacts stated they were experiencing emotional abuse. Emotional abuse may not be what most people think about when they picture abuse, but that does not make it any less real or less serious. Because of its subtleties, emotional abuse can be quite difficult to detect when it is being experienced. Emotional abuse is also a foundation for other forms of abuse. Often, it is used erode a person’s self-esteem and self-worth and create a psychological dependency on the abusive partner. Let’s look at what emotional abuse is and how to know if emotional abuse is present in your relationship.

Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. This may present in romantic relationships as threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, dismissiveness, among others. Sometimes emotional abuse is more obvious, like a partner yelling at you or calling you names. Other times it can be more subtle, like your partner acting jealous of your friends or not wanting you to hang out with someone of another gender. While these emotionally abusive behaviors do not leave physical marks, they do hurt, disempower, and traumatize the partner who is experiencing the abuse.

Over time, emotional abuse can wear down a person’s self-worth, confidence, and their mental and emotional strength.

It’s difficult to feel sure of yourself when a partner is demeaning, dismissing, and second-guessing you constantly. Additionally, when you care about someone and have invested time in the relationship with them, you want to believe the best of them, and you may convince yourself that you were overreacting in how you interpreted their hurtful actions or words. An emotionally abusive partner may try to gaslight you by telling you outright that you are overreacting, being dramatic, being too emotional, or that you can’t take a joke.

For these reasons and more, it can be tough to detect emotional abuse and see it as a dangerous concern. Even then, survivors of emotional abuse are often hesitant to seek help or tell friends and family about their relationship concerns because they fear they will not be believed or taken seriously. Nonetheless, emotional abuse is serious, and it is not uncommon for emotional abuse to escalate to physical violence. In some relationships this escalation to physical abuse is slow, and in others it can happen rapidly.

So how do you know if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship?

Here are some red flags:

Your partner name calls you or demeans you.
Your partner tries to control you, your time, and your actions.
Your partner tells you what to do and what to wear.
Your partner often makes you feel silly or dumb.
Your partner questions your reality and says that things that you know happened didn’t happen. This is called gaslighting.
Your partner is critical of your appearance.
Your partner is jealous of time spent with your friends or family.
Your partner punishes you by withholding attention or affection.
Your partner doesn’t want you hanging out with someone of another gender.
Your partner makes threats to hurt you or others to get what they want.
Your partner wants you to ask for permission before doing something or spending time with other people.
Your partner monitors where you go and stalks your whereabouts.
Your partner doesn’t want you to work.
Your partner embarrasses you in public.
Your partner does not trust you and acts possessive.
Your partner threatens breaking up or divorce to manipulate an argument.
Your partner wants access to your phone, your passwords, or your social media.
Your partner threatens suicide during arguments.
Your partner is constantly accusing you of cheating.
Your partner blames you for their unhealthy/abusive behaviors.
Your partner makes you feel guilty or immature for not wanting to have sex.
Your partner overloads you with compliments and gifts, and then uses that to manipulate you later (love bombing).

If any of these red flags feel familiar to you, know that you do not deserve to be treated that way and that you are not alone. It can be hard to decide what your next step should be, after learning that your relationship is not healthy. You might consider reaching out to a trusted friend or family member to talk about what you have been going through. You can also reach out to our Hotline advocates to talk about next steps and options available to you.

We are here 24/7 via phone, online chat, and text to provide you with education, support, and safety planning. The Hotline is completely free and confidential.

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Emotional abuse: how to spot signs of aggression in a relationship

It often happens that when we are just starting a relationship, the partner behaves with us with restraint and rather neatly. But even with this behavior, you may notice the first signs of psychological or emotional abuse.

Moreover, such violence against a partner can be manifested in relationships not only by a man, as is commonly believed, but also by a woman.

What is emotional abuse

Emotional abuse or psychological abuse is a form of behavior that leads to the formation of psychological trauma in a person, the development of anxiety, depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, which is also known as PTSD.

Emotional abuse in a relationship is most often the impact on a partner through intimidation, threats, criticism, condemnation and insult.

How we get into relationships with emotional abuse

Romantic and love relationships are undoubtedly great happiness. Probably, there is no such person in the world who would not want to meet his man and get rid of the feeling of loneliness.

However, things are not always simple. Often, after a period when everyone in a couple strives to show himself better than he is, tries for the second half, difficulties come. In the first year of a relationship, this is quite understandable: people get used to each other and “grind”. At the same time, the state of inspiration and joy can overshadow a real partner and make it impossible to see his shortcomings.

This is how people often enter into relationships with manipulators without realizing it. Trying to explain, justify or show our feelings, we lose energy, unable to stop unjustified psychological aggression against us.

How to figure out what is really going on in a relationship between you, and whether it is possible to identify clearly unhealthy relationships and crossing personal boundaries in the early stages of communication, we will tell below.

Red flags

Entering into close interaction with a stranger, you should pay attention to the little things in the relationship between you. Informally, psychologists today call clear signs of future destructive relationships red flags (from the English red flag).

You may have come across videos on social media showing similar signs in various areas of interpersonal relationships. Therefore, if at the beginning of a relationship you notice at least a few of them, communication should probably be stopped now.

Unhealthy behavior can manifest itself both at the initial stage of the relationship and in the further process of their development. The sooner you realize what is happening, the easier it will be for you to get out of this story without too much trauma.

It is important to note that a whole set of such red flags signals a relationship with a pathologically unhealthy person. These include, for example, the so-called narcissists and psychopaths, who are masters of manipulation and emotional abuse. And often it's unaccountable.

Emotional abuse: 5 non-obvious signs of a manipulator

Below are the signs that will tell you that communication between you is not developing according to the scenario that usually corresponds to a healthy relationship. Most likely, if one or more factors coincide, you have a manipulator in front of you.

1. Relationship instability

It is important for all of us to know what to expect from others. So we can systematically distribute our time, make plans and predict the future. However, in a relationship with a manipulator, you can never guarantee that everything will go according to plan.

You are making an appointment or preparing for an important event. And your partner cancels everything at the last moment, finding dodgy excuses. And this happens more than once or twice. From time to time, you just waste your time and energy, simply because you are let down. At the same time, each time there is some weighty reason that sounds quite convincing.

In addition, a person may suddenly disappear and not show up for several days. Later, of course, everything will be explained to you and told about the “reasons” for such disappearances. And yet, for a while, you will remain in a state of complete incomprehension.

It is worth saying that a person does not start doing such manipulations with you right away. First you need to be imbued with trust in him and start relying on him. As soon as the manipulator realizes that you are already on the hook, such “disappearances” can begin.

Manipulators are able to deftly balance in relationships according to the "closer-further" scheme. First, you have an adequate, close and pleasant person to whom you can open your soul. And after a few days, he wants to move away from you. The emotional aggressor is temporarily out of sight, going on errands unknown to you. And he appears a few days later as if nothing had happened with a smile and superficial apologies.

For a while everything becomes good, stable and as before. But after a couple of weeks, the situation repeats itself, and you again ask questions and keep the phone at hand.

Such a scheme of relationships pretty much loosens the nervous system. Over time, you no longer know who is next to you, and whether you can rely on the words of this person. And we are talking about emotionally close relationships.

For example, if this is not a romantic story, but a relationship with a work colleague who suffered a meeting, then you are unlikely to be as upset as if a person to whom you have developed strong feelings and emotional attachment disappears.

When it comes to romantic relationships, we expect honesty from a partner. Otherwise, conflicts, dissatisfaction and claims arise - this, by the way, is fertile ground for further manipulations.

2. No dialogue

In moments of conflict and disagreement, it is extremely difficult to build a dialogue with the manipulator. Rather, formally there is a dialogue. But sometimes it is simply impossible to understand the arguments, even if you are trying to keep a cool head.

Partner may make arguments that are irrelevant. You bring him back to the topic under discussion, and in return you get a word salad. Perhaps in such an interaction there will not even be direct insults. However, you will simply exhaust yourself by wasting time trying to get your thoughts across.

Often emotional aggressors interrupt and prevent you from speaking. Sometimes it is important for us not so much to be understood as to be able to convey our thoughts. In a conversation with a narcissist or a psychopath, you cannot do this. In such a situation, hands simply give up, because the person does not want to go to the dialogue. And will never go. Trust me, you won't get through to him.

Remember how to interact with such a person:

Understand that he will never hear you.
Never, period.

The format of the lack of dialogue can also be banal ignoring - this is one of the most exhausting manipulations. So, a person can simply turn you out of sight and not notice. Attempts to talk, as a rule, lead to nothing. In such a suspended state, you can stay for days and even weeks. And such treatment, of course, does not add health to the nervous system.

It would seem that it would take and get out of these uncertain relationships. But not everything is so simple. Ahead of you can wait for a whole series of descents and ascents along the emotional "roller coaster".

3. Emotional roller coaster

The emotional aggressor tends to keep his partner close. Therefore, in order to maintain the appearance that everything is in order, he periodically needs to turn on the “sugar show”. These are echoes of that tender, candy-bouquet time, when it seemed that relationships were built on trust.

For a while, the manipulator becomes the best partner in the world, again pretending to be included in your life. Such a tactic is needed so that his victim stays on the hook and does not escape prematurely. And here again everything is fine, but for the time being. There comes an unpredictable moment when a loved one again becomes cold and distant.

The complexity of the situation is that the more time passes, the easier it is to get bogged down in what is happening. Manipulators are literally planted on a hormonal needle. Sometimes you feel a surge of joy from the fact that everything is wonderful. And sometimes, quite suddenly, a person douses you with an icy shower, forcing you to experience stress.

Not knowing where the blow will come from next time, and how you can improve relations between you, you are more and more immersed in the abyss of contrasting emotions.

4. Double messages

Sometimes the manipulator uses a rather primitive technique of double messaging. It is quite easy to figure it out, but the very fact of its use is annoying.

Double messages are inconsistencies between spoken words and intonations or gestures. In fact, this is the receipt of information in two ways. At the same time, the received visual and verbal information clearly conflict with each other. For example, you can hear: “Of course, go about your business,” while noticing discontent and disappointment on the partner’s face.

Double messages can be about any topic, from small things to something big. The person to whom these signals are addressed is trapped. After all, he has only one choice - to take this mix of opposite hints at his own expense. Constant life in such an environment makes it impossible to navigate what is happening.

5. Impossibility to please

The inability to please is another exhausting trick that manipulators can deftly turn. Whatever you do, you cannot make your partner happy.

At the same time, the expression of displeasure can be given very unobtrusively, without unnecessary emotions. And yet you will know that once again all the efforts made have not been appreciated. If your choices and your actions are regularly subjected to unreasonable criticism, then be on the lookout.

Perhaps the person doesn't really care what you do. At the same time, criticism and expression of dissatisfaction become an end in itself. The manipulator can simply be satisfied that you experience negative emotions every time, and is waiting for the moment when he once again sees your surprised face.

Of course, regular complaints are fertile ground for conflicts, which are also debilitating. If you understand that you need to constantly prove, justify and try too hard, you are probably faced with a manifestation of emotional aggression.

17 signs of emotional abuse

There are many signs of emotional abuse. Usually, a combination of several of the signs from the list below is enough to identify emotional abuse.

Humiliation. Direct insults, abuse and behavior towards you.
Prosecution. Shifting responsibility on you for what is happening, conviction of guilt.
Criticism. Evaluation of your shortcomings in a sharp form, remarks about your appearance, intelligence, sense of taste, even insults are possible.
Intimidation. Threats of physical violence or violence, threats by the abuser to commit suicide.
Communication ban. Prohibition to contact relatives, friends and colleagues, restrictions on calls.
Despotism. Conversations in the form of orders, instructions instead of requests.
Imposing help, which the person does not ask for.
Prohibition to leave the house without permission. The need to visit public places to ask a partner for time off is established.
Permanent presence. Constant control and the presence of a person nearby.
Jealousy in the form of accusations of treason. Even if there is no reason, the partner finds how to convict you of treason.
Behavior control. Check private messages and phone, contact list, hidden or open surveillance.
Disrespectful attitude to the partner's life principles, to himself.
Total control. The person strives to be aware of everything that is in your life, even if you do not want it, the complete lack of intimacy in your life.
Excessive generosity, which puts you in an awkward position.
Threatening behavior. Dangerous driving, threat with weapons, etc.
Total infallibility. A person believes that in principle he cannot be guilty, because it is others who provoke him.
Double standards. The person is in the position "I can do it, but you can't do it."

Types of emotional abuse

There are several types of psychological abuse, all of which can cause pain to a person.

1. Gaslighting

We have already written in detail about gaslighting and self-gaslighting in this article. This is one of the most difficult forms of emotional abuse to recognize. A person uses gaslighting to deprive a partner of a sense of adequacy, using phrases such as: “don’t invent,” “it didn’t happen,” “it seemed to you.”

The abuser instills in his victim that he cannot trust his perception, which makes the person feel like he is slowly but surely going insane.

2. Neglekt

This is a form of abuse in the form of neglect, in which a person who has enough authority and power for this does not seek to help a person. This may be due to inattention, indifference, or deliberately used emotional abuse.

There is an ignoring of human needs, whether it is reasoned or not. The victim of the neglecta is convinced that her need does not need to be satisfied. To avoid neglect, it is recommended to stop communicating with an abusive communication partner.

3. Visholding

This is a refusal to discuss a topic that concerns a person, in which case emotional blackmail occurs, in response to a request or question, emotional coldness and silence are applied to the victim. Blackmail is also possible.

The purpose of such behavior is to subordinate the will of another person to oneself, to deprive him of his independence. In order to get out of such a scenario, it is necessary to distance yourself from the person who uses such methods of emotional violence against you.

4. Ignoring

Emotional withdrawal, the person deliberately leaves you without attention, neglects you or your personal relationships. Read more about ignoring as a manipulative form in this article.

5. Emotional blackmail

Here, not only ignoring, but also blackmailing with personal information can take place. A specific action of a person can be ignored, emotional coldness is observed.

6. Insulation

An emotionally abusive person may forbid communication with all people except himself. It sounds rather strange, but victims who find themselves in a similar situation may not always recognize that such control is a form of violence, not care.

Agree, such a request is quite difficult to fulfill, but the manipulator can threaten to break off relations, so the partner often makes concessions, sacrificing his career and financial position.

At the same time, the situation of financial dependence on the abuser only aggravates the position of the victim of such relationships.

7. Criticism

Unconstructive cruel criticism on the verge of ridicule. The abuser unconsciously or consciously seeks to form an inferiority complex in a person, destroy his faith in himself so that he remains in these relationships as long as possible.

The victim of unjustified criticism is also advised to get out of the relationship as soon as possible.

8. Control

This is another form of suppression of a person's will - total control over any actions of the victim, which can strengthen her feelings of inferiority and self-doubt.

Men and women who have experienced emotional abuse are experiencing psychological trauma. They can experience fear, anxiety, fall into a depressive state for no reason, in severe forms it can even be about suicide.

In addition, a person becomes emotionally dependent on other people, neglects their own needs, alcohol or drug addiction can form. It has been proven that in families where physical and emotional abuse is used, children have a delay in neuropsychic development.

Emotional abuse: what is mobbing

Often, emotional abuse is manifested in relation to people indirectly, and not openly. Moreover, you can face emotional violence not only in personal relationships, but also in professional ones. This is how the term "mobbing" appeared - it is psychological or emotional violence against an employee, which manifests itself in the form of a disrespectful attitude and harassment in the workplace.

Mobbing may include unfounded criticism, dissemination of false information about the employee, isolation from the team and negative statements about him.

Moreover, the consequences of mobbing can be so traumatic that a person is able to commit suicide, which actually equates mobbing in severity with murder, robbery or rape.

Why we may not recognize emotional abuse right away

The fact is that all our problems come from childhood. Emotional or psychological abuse most often occurs within the family, with most victims of emotional abuse being women and children.

A person who is accustomed to emotional abuse is not able to immediately feel the signs of it on the part of a person who arouses great sympathy. People who have ever felt abuse begin to look for the problem in themselves, and not in the other person. They look for problems in their own behavior, not realizing that they are facing a person who violates their boundaries.

And in order to understand that your boundaries are being violated, you must at least feel them. If there is no habit in principle to defend oneself, to tell a person that you do not like his behavior towards you, then quite quickly you can find yourself in a situation where he will literally manipulate you like a rag puppet.

In such a situation, your self-esteem will steadily tend to zero. Quite often, emotional abuse develops into physical.

Emotional abuse is quite clearly manifested in the form of such consequences for a person as loss of sleep and appetite, alcoholism, craving for traumatic actions, changes in personality traits.

Violence, threats in psychology are called abuse, respectively, the person who uses this against you is an abuser.

Emotional abuse: 10 reasons for abuse

There can be a variety of prerequisites for the formation of such behavior, we list the most common reasons why men or women begin to show emotional violence towards a partner:

the need for self-realization and self-affirmation at the expense of another;
the presence of a wide range of complexes, low self-esteem;
past experience, identification of the form of such behavior as correct;
financial dependence on a partner;
psychological deviations in the form of a psychological trauma;
perception of violence as a norm in family behavior;
inability and unwillingness to express their desires and thoughts;
predominance of narcissistic and psychopathological traits, tendency to Machiavellianism
low level of self-control combined with increased aggressiveness, irascibility, distrust, thirst for power;
propaganda of violence in culture.

The danger of being in such a relationship is not so much that the victim of abuse experiences constant emotional pain, but that she learns to look at herself through the eyes of the aggressor, showing such a cruel attitude towards herself in the future. It is very difficult for a person to get rid of this habit of treating himself with such a level of cruelty on his own.

A person who has experienced emotional abuse doubts the correctness of his actions and decisions in his future life, suffers from feelings of guilt and toxic shame. By accepting the actions of the abuser, the victim loses himself, becomes deprived of his own opinion and has difficulty adapting to external environmental conditions and the requirements of society.

Emotional abuse is as dangerous as physical abuse

It is important to understand that there may not be direct, physical violence. And yet, inside such a relationship, you constantly suffer. Uncertainty deprives the ground under their feet. Claims and depreciation force you to constantly prove to your partner that you are worthy of love.

Double messages can really drive you crazy and make you feel hopeless. And ignoring and the lack of the opportunity to fully discuss the problems exhaust and kill your nerve cells day after day.

If you see your relationship among the signs described above, it is worth considering whether you need to continue this relationship. The sooner you understand what is happening, the easier it will be for you to expose the manipulation and stop the emotional abuse.

Read also:

Blackmail, shame and seduction: how to stop being a victim of psychological abuse
Fight or flight: what to do as a victim of domestic violence
The Pain Caused by Silence: Ignoring as a Form of Manipulation

Punishment without crime: 8 signs of a domestic tyrant

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At the beginning of a relationship, you may not notice warning signs: ridicule, passive aggression, unsuccessful sex. In the end, he makes you laugh and says that you are a beauty! Maybe you make an elephant out of a fly? And after many years of marriage, people prefer to turn a blind eye to "red flags", because apart from them, everything is fine in a relationship. But how to understand that it won’t be good anymore and it’s time to reel in the fishing rods?

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A small study of 348 female college students in the US came up with a troubling statistic. 95% of the participants were subjected to emotional abuse (for example, caustic comments in front of other people, derogatory remarks about goals), and 30% were assaulted.

And what to do? An effective way is to break up before the abuse becomes constant and leads to injury. Once you allow yourself to be treated like this, it becomes very difficult to return the situation to normal. Here are the signs that it's time to think about packing your suitcase.

1. He hits you

This is probably the biggest red flag you can see. One more time can be attributed to circumstances, but if he continues to do something from the list below, do not wait for the return of the candy-bouquet relationship:

pulls hair,
pushes, spanks, hits, strangles,
forbids eating or sleeping,
hurts children,
forces them to take alcohol or drugs,
refuses to let a knife or gun 9007 or to the police.

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2. And offends

He slanders you, stops listening to your arguments, considers his opinion the only right one? This is also emotional abuse that leads to depression, suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem and even poor health. In a good relationship, you feel emotional closeness and support, and if this is not the case, then why waste time on them?

3. Needs a change in your appearance

If he constantly talks about losing weight or getting plastic surgery, this is not a sign of a healthy relationship. If you yourself want something, it's another matter, but he has no right to force you.

4. Prevents you from communicating with friends and family

A partner who constantly points out the shortcomings of your friends or forbids you to see your parents is dangerous. This kind of jealousy is not a nice feature, but a red flag!

5. He breaks things

It might be funny the first time: he threw the phone against the wall or broke the plate when you were arguing. But if it repeats, that is, he cannot control his anger, it will only get worse.

6. He forces you to have sex

If you both like anal sex, for example, great. If he takes you by the hair and forces you, it's bad. Putting the pleasure of one partner above the pleasure of the other is also bad. Violating boundaries and refusing to stop is a clear reason to show him the door.

7. He controls you

This is what an abusive relationship is built on. If he follows your every step, write wasted. You don't have to tell him passwords from email, social networks or bank accounts, you don't have to report every five minutes about your location.

8. He doesn't support you

Imagine a situation: you have a serious conflict at work, or out of nowhere an ex-injured has appeared. You are worried, looking for support... and your partner says: "Forget about it, these are trifles." Yes, there are people with reduced empathy, it is difficult to do something about it, but even they can surround you with love and support in difficult times. Devaluing your feelings is not a reason to stay with such a partner further.

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