Problems when two narcissists marry

What Happens When Two Narcissists Date? (14 Expert Advice)

What are the chances of two narcissists meeting each other and eventually falling in love? Will it lead to a sustainable relationship? Or a toxic, non-fulfilling one?

According to experts, here are the potential outcomes when two narcissists date:

Meenakshi Joshi, M.Sc, MA

Clinical Psychologist, Epsychonline

The initial attraction they may feel for each other will fade out fast

It may sound like a joke when you hear that two narcissists are in love. It can be quite hard to imagine what happens when two narcissists date or are in a relationship. Two people who cannot love others; how can they be in love? It sounds all wrong. But this kind of love can bloom too.

Who is a narcissist?

  1. They think only about themselves. In other words, they are self-absorbed.
  2. These people feel that they are the best in the world. For example:
    • “I am the most beautiful girl in the world,”
    • “I have such nice glossy hair,”
    • “I look so handsome,” etc.
  3. They have grand ideas and beliefs. For example:
    • “I am so special,”
    • “I am much smarter than you,”
    • “You don’t deserve me,”
    • “You are so plain in front of me.”
  4. Overconfident and aggressive
  5. Too full of themselves

Two narcissists together

Now that you know these people, you think about what happens when two narcissists date. Firstly, it is not very common for two narcissists to be in a relationship. Most of the time, they want or find a very giving and caring partner.

They need attention all the time, so they want someone who will give them attention all the time. But sometimes, two narcissists do come together. There could be two main reasons for this.

You like someone who is “like” you

Many studies have shown that people like to be someone who is like them. We are attracted to those people who have the same qualities that we have.

In other words, I like who I am. I think I am the best. I will always see someone like me to be “the best” too because they are the same.

You like how “good” you will look together

Narcissists want to be noticed by others. They love compliments and love people talking about them. So, when they find someone like them, they feel the two of them will be even better. They can be the next “power couple.”

They would think, “Two superior people should be together.” Or, “Look how good they look – very picture perfect!”

So, what happens when two narcissists date? Let us discuss this in two stages – the rosy stage and the reality stage.

The rosy stage

The first few days or months might be all nice and rosy.

Initially, when two narcissists date, they paint the perfect picture of being so happy. Both are grand in nature and might show big gestures of love. For example, proposing on a yacht, gifts and dinner dates, etc.

As the couple enjoys the limelight, they will do things that will “wow” their friends and family. Also, they would show off their “unique” and “special” self. All the pictures posted on social media will tell others, “What a great life they are living.”

Related: How Social Media Affects Relationships

You must have seen pictures of celebs “twinning.” For example, they are both wearing the same color outfit or getting the same tattoo. This is how two narcissists would act when they are in the early stages of their relationship.

However, their selfish nature will start causing problems sooner or later. They cannot love or care for others. This will cause a rift between them and lead to fights as they reach the next stage.

The reality stage

When two narcissists date, eventually, one or both of them get bored with each other. The truth of who they are will start affecting them as a couple.

  • They will start stepping over each other to prove who is better. So, what attracted them to each other will start causing a problem.
    • They might start competing with each other.
    • They will try to show the other person that they are better than them.
  • Giving all the credit to oneself. You have couples talking about how much they do for their partner. “I have done so much for him. But he does not deserve it. He is just not good enough for me“.
  • They do not care about their partner. Narcissistic people in a relationship can be cold and insensitive. They lack empathy as well.
    • They will not try to understand the other person’s point of view or their difficulties.
  • Trying to manipulate the other. Emotional blackmail is one big tool in the kit of a narcissist. So, they will use it for self-gain for sure.
    • To get things done their way, they will not think twice before using someone or breaking someone’s trust.
  • A narcissistic person cannot see someone being better than them. They will be very jealous of anyone and everyone who they see as potential competition.
    • It then does not matter what the truth is – they are far from reality anyway.
    • They will be jealous of friends or co-workers of their partners. This can lead to constant and intense arguments.
  • Power is what they need. When two narcissists date, they both want to be the dominant alpha in the relationship.
    • They want all the power, and this fight can cause many issues.

What happens in the end when two narcissists date?

More often than not, when two narcissists date or are in a relationship, what happens is that they break up. If they do get married, their marriage will also have ups and downs.

They will either separate from each other or live in an unhappy marriage.

Final thought: Two narcissists dating can be as difficult as it sounds. It will be quite a turbulent relationship. The initial attraction they may feel for each other because they are similar will fade out fast.

Their love will not be comforting and strong. The real issue will make their lives challenging, and they will end up fighting a lot.

Susan Trombetti

Relationship Expert and Matchmaker, Exclusive Matchmaking

They do not form deep bonds like emotionally healthy people do in a relationship

When two narcissists come together, you might think it’s a recipe for a toxic disaster.

In reality, it’s better for two narcissists to form a bond than an emotionally healthy person and a narcissist. You can’t change a narcissist, and two of them together can feed off each other and accomplish their goals.

Related: Can Narcissists Change if They Want To?

People attract similar people, and narcissism is a disorder that you can’t expect change from, so they often connect and become a couple. It’s just that they do not form deep bonds like emotionally healthy people do in a relationship.

Narcissists tend to:

  • Attract like and similar narcissists. People always attract similar, and it’s not like narcissists necessarily know they are narcissists.
  • Bond, if you could call it that. It’s more like they do well in these relationships because neither is looking for something particularly deep.
  • Enjoy being with each other because they have about the same shallow interests and pursue them. Think of social media and the “It” couple that appear to have all.
  • Bond over their shallow interests, and they have that in common. They have a similar lifestyle, and it works.

Dr. Carla Marie Manly

Clinical Psychologist | Speaker | Author, “Date Smart: Transform Your Relationships and Love Fearlessly“

The relationship will have a very transactional quality to it

The pull of another narcissistic can be strong. Feelings of infatuation can surge when two narcissists come together.

Initially, the attraction can be positive given that the two narcissists unconsciously feel the “mirror” effect of being with an energetic twin. The feeling of being accepted and understood may be captivating for the pair of narcissists. Of course, true feelings for the other person don’t manifest; what the narcissist calls “love” is merely the pleasure of having their own needs met.

The relationship will not be one of genuine love but will have a very transactional quality to it.

Narcissists do not see their partners as human beings filled with layers of emotions and life experiences; partners are mere objects to be used for personal benefit.

The game of manipulation will unfold

Yet, before long, the two narcissists will be engaging in their customarily manipulative behavior—each having the other as the target.

Of course, being narcissists, neither one will notice or want to believe that they are being manipulated. They will focus their energy on what they can get from the other person.

Interestingly, the narcissists will feed on each other in a symbiotic way.

With each partner believing they are too smart to be prey, they’ll date for as long as they can have their own needs met by the other person.

The demise

Two narcissists may actually sustain a dating relationship for an extended period of time. In fact, if the transactional nature of the relationship continues to benefit both parties, the toxic relationship may endure for years.

However, if one or both partners feel that their needs are not fulfilled or happen to spot better prey on the horizon, the relationship may be quickly discarded.

Eric Patterson, LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor and Narcissism Expert | Writer, Choosing Therapy

The need for the spotlight would certainly devolve into frustrations and conflict

Even though two narcissists may date, it wouldn’t be for long.

Narcissists, or people with narcissistic personality disorder, need very high amounts of attention, adulation, and praise from their romantic partners, and they are not very good at giving it to others. In the real world, the odds of two narcissists being in a long-term, committed relationship are extremely long.

Instead, a narcissist would be much more likely to be interested in dating a person who is:

  • Co-dependent
  • Has low self-esteem
  • Has a poor sense of self

This person would be willing to tolerate the narcissist’s need to be right, be the center of attention, and be special.

In almost all circumstances, a narcissist will look for a person or group of people, since they may not be able to maintain one monogamous relationship, who are comfortable falling to the background and letting them take the spotlight.

If two narcissists were dating, the need for the spotlight would certainly devolve into frustrations and conflict.

You have to remember that narcissists, for all of their problems, are very socially savvy people. They are constantly scanning their environment for people to manipulate to meet their needs, and another narcissistic person would be the worst target for them to pursue.

Alexander Burgemeester

Neuropsychologist and Owner, The Narcissistic Life

They know their interests are focused on themselves more than each other

Although you might think it is unlikely that two narcissistic people are not a great match, they can possibly be attracted to one another and live in a fairly harmonious relationship.

The attraction two narcissists would have for each other is the fact that they have very similar personality traits. They both know that their interests are focused on themselves more than each other, and due to their narcissistic tendencies, they are okay with this.

It is actually seen that they prefer the company of another narcissist, which is also why this type of relationship dynamic can work.

It can be noted that in many relationships (narcissistic relationships included), how close someone’s personality is to their own is a large factor if it will last. Although they both have large egos and strong personalities, they can use this to fuel their own grandiose ideas about themselves and their relationship and therefore keep it going.

It is possible for a narcissistic couple to last a long time, but it also can happen that they cannot provide all of each other’s narcissistic needs, which can build tension between them. This can cause terrible arguments and can cause the relationship to end.

Eventually, two strong personalities can clash, and their narcissistic tendencies really come out. This is especially true if something major happens to one of the partners and the other person is unable to provide the typical comfort and support you would usually receive.

This can cause a significant drift between each other and cause an explosive ending.

Dr. Mitch Keil, PsyD

Clinical Psychologist, Keil Psych Group

They enjoy their collaboration of superiority and all that it brings

They are in love with themselves through one another. They enjoy their collaboration of superiority and all that it brings. Partly because underneath, there is a core of shame they protect against through continual external validation.

If they can keep up the mutual idealization, it works for some time.

When they pick each other, it’s like taking out an additional insurance plan promising never to expose that core. They rely on each other’s “greatness” to keep it at bay.

The narcissistic couple is the classic self-identified “power couple.” They really enjoy the attention and admiration from others in their lives as it serves to stabilize fragile self-esteem (again, for most, esteem is managed both internally and externally, for the narcissistic person, it is primarily external).

Additionally, the relationship is typically functional (at least in the beginning) because it’s not deep. Those with high levels of narcissism are kind of phobic to intimacy. As long as things stay shallow and no one wants more, it works.

Their need for each other’s love is great, but the depth of real love between them is incredibly shallow.

Narcissistic duos typically break up when:

  • Someone shows normal human vulnerability or flaw.
    • It also happens when the other partner decides they can’t be associated with this or loses all interest based on a perceived flaw, OR
  • They feel they are not “getting what they want” and drop the relationship to pursue more.
    • It can be sad, though, because what they are looking for to be satisfied is an inner challenge rather than an external partner challenge.

Christy Lincoln, MA, LCPC

Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Narcissism Expert | Writer, Choosing Therapy

Narcissists want a partner to manipulate; If they do stay together, it is based on using each other

Can two narcissists date? At first glance, you might think this would never work. Narcissists want a partner to manipulate, a partner who will praise them, a source of narcissistic supply.

How would this work, given their lack of empathy and constant need for approval?

Research shows that narcissists are attracted to individuals who can enhance the narcissistic sense of self-worth but are less attracted to caring individuals.

Like attracts like, even with narcissists. When two narcissists start to date, it can be very reinforcing.

Narcissists present a picture of a world of shared superiority, despite the emptiness and shallowness that is the reality. They can derive narcissistic supply from being part of such a couple. Social media can amplify these feelings as they show off their new love to the world.

I have had clients torture themselves after ending things with a narcissistic partner, only to continue to follow them on Instagram as they enter into a new relationship.

Why are two narcissists attracted to each other? Caring partners tend to leave or are discarded, leaving the narcissist a smaller pool of people to date.

They do not make good life partners, and healthy people tend to avoid dating them. They are scraping the bottom of the barrel, so to speak, when the only partners they can find are other disordered people.

Like all couples, they start off idealizing their partners. Being part of such a couple feeds their egos, and they get lots of supply from people outside the dyad. This can turn to devaluing their partner and blaming them for their core emptiness.

Because narcissists can’t provide love, empathy, or even affection, their experience of romantic relationships is very different from most people’s. If they do stay together, it is based on using each other.

Tracy Crossley

Behavioral Relationship Expert

To see both of them together for a long time would require both of them to have avoidant tendencies

The only way two narcissists could date would be if they were two different kinds of narcissists:

  • The vulnerable
  • The grandiose (but in a non-pathological way)

People who are actually diagnosed as narcissists would rarely find themselves in this situation because two grandiose individuals would not last as long as a couple.

For example, the vulnerable narcissist, the introverted version of a narcissist, is concerned about how they are perceived and tries to improve how people see them. The grandiose one tends to be charming and is very concerned that they give off that they care in the beginning.

They appear as the perfect valuable trinket (because they come off as very self-important) to the vulnerable ones. The vulnerable one doesn’t want to be emotionally intimate, so in a sense, the grandiose is perfect for them (until they do something callous or say uncaring words to them).

This is where it will be an issue between them, so to see both of them together for a long time would require both of them to have avoidant tendencies. They could withdraw enough from the other person without total loss with avoidant tendencies.

Marissa F. Cohen

Author | Founder, Healing From Emotional Abuse Philosophy

We often frame jealousy as a way of showing love or romance

Jealousy is a terribly toxic trait in any relationship, be it platonic or romantic.

Mutual respect, trust, support, and healthy communication should build relationships and friendships. If a person in your life, be it a friend or partner, is jealous of you or shows jealousy towards you, they are unhealthy in your life.

Jealousy is not a flattering or romantic trait. Someone who is jealous is possessive, controlling, and insecure.

There is a big difference between being jealous of someone and wanting what they have. To be to the level of jealousy means they are unwilling to put in the work you’ve put in to have the characteristics, relationships, and things you have.

If you think about it, how would you feel if you knew that a person you had a relationship with resented you because of the people and things in your life? It doesn’t feel good, right? That’s jealousy.

In our relationships, we often frame jealousy as a way of showing love or romance. “Oh, they’re jealous when I spend time with other [insert gender]; they must really love me!” No, they don’t like that other people have access to you.

They are nervous that they don’t have control over you. If they were healthy and secure, they would trust that you wouldn’t do anything with somebody else because they trust you.

Romance is trust and honesty. Romance is showing LOVE, not isolating you from the other people in your life.

So, all in all, don’t mistake jealousy for romance and flattery. It is simply a means narcissists and insecure people use to control, manipulate, and isolate you from the other people in your life.

It’s important to be aware of jealousy as a toxic trait to avoid sacrificing relationships with healthy people for relationships with toxic people.

You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. If you want to increase your average and grow, you have to surround yourself with the people who inspire and motivate you.

Christy Piper

Author, “Girl, You Deserve More: How to Break His Spell over You, Escape Your Toxic Partner, and Become Independent“

This is a very comfortable relationship—at least at first

This pair makes sense because they attract each other due to common narcissist values.

The common values may include physical attractiveness, financial status, having showy cars, and other status symbols. If they both grew up in families with other narcissists, they also have similar speech patterns.

So their language, banter, and gestures feel very familiar. This is a very comfortable relationship—at least at first.

The “happy” narcissist relationship

Sometimes two narcissists date and even get married. It’s not very common. If they are happy, it’s because they have a very shallow relationship. The relationship is mostly for show to look good for others. They look good together in public but privately lead very separate lives.

The abusive narcissist relationship

In other cases, the more severe narcissists start abusing, the more benign narcissists. The worse narcissist becomes the abuser, while the benign narcissist suffers. So this dynamic becomes very similar to a relationship with a narcissist and non-narcissist.

Elijah Akin

Founder and Author, Unfilteredd

It is destined for failure because narcissists are novelty seekers

A relationship between two narcissists will start out really well because it will be almost like a competition about which one can seduce the other first.

But a relationship between two narcissists is destined for failure because narcissists are novelty seekers. They’re always looking for the next best thing.

So, their relationship will have a very strong love bombing phase. It will be full of “instagrammable” moments, grandiose dates and gifts, intimacy, and other spontaneous moments. But much like every other single narcissistic relationship, the love-bombing phase will fade away to make room for the devaluation phase.

Narcissists’ dependence on narcissistic supply inevitably ends the relationship

Narcissistic supply is the validation, admiration, reassurance, and acceptance that narcissists get from others. They’re heavily dependent on this because of the combination of the fragility of their egos, emotional immaturity, and suppressed negative emotions.

What is most likely to happen is that the narcissistic supply will get stale, and they’ll go find it from someone else.

Because of their tendency to always need the “next best thing,” they’ll become incredibly bored with each other.

The possibilities for their downfall are endless. Those three things cause them to have an irrational fear of being rejected. So, they spend their entire lives trying to fabricate an identity that they believe will be accepted by society.

Their emotional immaturity causes them to gravitate towards very insignificant things that are glorified and idolized by society today (social media, appearances, money, power & control, etc.).

Why is this important?

Well, nobody can maintain a falsified identity by themselves for a lifetime, including a narcissist.

The narcissistic supply they get from others helps maintain this falsified identity. Without it, their true identity will begin to show, including all their suppressed negative emotions that they are incapable of regulating.

Given that the well-being of a narcissist is heavily dependent on the narcissistic supply, they’re able to accumulate from others. So, when the narcissistic supply goes stale between two narcissists, they both get thrown into survival mode and seek out new sources of supply.

Narcissists are incredibly manipulative, lack empathy, novelty seekers, arrogant, and entitled. A relationship between two narcissists will always end horribly because of their inability to form and maintain healthy relationships.

Related: Warning Signs of a Manipulative Partner

Hamza Khurshid

Relationship blogger, The Relationship Notes

This type of relationship is typically characterized by drama, manipulation, and aggression

When two narcissists date, it can be a tumultuous and dangerous relationship. Narcissists are often attracted to each other because they share almost the same qualities, such as:

  • a lack of empathy
  • a need for admiration
  • and a tendency to exploit others

This type of relationship is typically characterized by drama, manipulation, and aggression. The narcissists will constantly be competing for attention and validation, leading to a lot of fighting and betrayal. Ultimately, this type of relationship is toxic and can be very damaging to both parties involved.

Narcissists want to be the center of attention and will do anything to get it

They are very self-absorbed; they think everything is all about them, they only see their own needs. It can be a troubling dynamic when both partners want the attention. If anyone ‘thinks‘ or ‘feels‘ that the other is getting more attention than them, it will lead to a lot of drama, manipulation, and ugly things.

The relationship is all about what the narcissist wants – not what the other person wants or needs

In a loving relationship, one has to value the wants & needs of the partner as well, but a narcissist won’t do that. It is always about the narcissist’s wants, needs, and interests.

So when two people with their own wants as the only priority, it will lead to a lot of quarrels about the date, time, location, and the ‘type‘ of date they want to go on.

Ultimately, either the two narcissists will learn how to be a loving partner, or they will break up feeling self-righteous.

Boris MacKey

Recovery & Mental Health Advocate, Rehab 4 Addiction

It is often tough for them to show affection to one another

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental condition in which an individual has an inflated sense of self-importance. This means that they require lots of attention from others, lack empathy, and struggle to maintain relationships.

Narcissists often get into relationships with one another, even though it may sound unlikely. Narcissists are deeply insecure inside, so they often feel the need to have control over every situation and person they meet.

Narcissism in relationships

Narcissists try to mold their partner into the ideal person in a relationship. This can produce a toxic relationship built upon false foundations and a lack of communication.

When two narcissists are in a relationship together, it is often tough for them to show affection to one another.

Whilst there isn’t much understanding into why two narcissists attract one another, a recent study suggested that narcissists tend to choose narcissistic partners for the long term.

It, therefore, supports the hypothesis that as individuals, we attract similar, like-minded people into our lives. Whilst narcissistic couples may struggle to communicate effectively, they can certainly develop long-lasting relationships, get married, and have children.

Overall, when dating one another, two narcissists may be completely unaware of their partners’ thoughts and feelings, preferring to live in a state of fantasy revolving around themselves.

Sameera Sullivan

Matchmaker and Relationship expert, Sameera Sullivan Matchmakers

They’re often unable to form intimate and loving relationships

Similarities attract. A narcissist’s grandiose beliefs regarding themselves and lack of empathy are quite poignant traits – not easy to find in a partner. Often, they cannot relate to people that pose too many differences and find comfort in a similar personality type.

The result? Unhappiness.

Due to their very base belief systems, they’re often unable to form intimate and loving relationships; mixing two of these prepares you for a disaster waiting to happen.

Relationships are all about compromise… or are they?

Making any relationship last involves compromise at numerous points, which narcissists are often incapable of.

Here comes a flood of guilting, fights, and eventual abuse. The unpredictable chaos is bound to put a strain on any bits of romance present in the relationship, leading to a somewhat dysfunctional dynamic.

Depending on the scale of narcissism, one partner will undoubtedly be dominant – which is why there won’t be true equality.

Hypocritical, much? Perhaps one of the most concerning traits of narcissists is hypocrisy – they want to be treated a certain way but treat others very differently. They cannot stand by their own word – so how can one expect them to stand by their partner?

I’ve seen numerous relationships where one partner hates it when their counterpart flirts with others – but this won’t stop them from doing the same.

Trust is hard to come by and even easier to lose, posing a problem for both of their sanity in the longevity of the relationship. It’s a rollercoaster unlike any other – which is why I always recommend couples to go therapy themselves before trying out couples therapy.

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

We are sorry that this post was not useful for you!

Let us improve this post!

Tell us how we can improve this post?

What Happens When a Narcissist Meets a Narcissist

In This Article

Can two narcissists become a couple? When you think about this question, the first thing that comes to mind is a big fat NO! How could two so self-absorbed people that it’s a mental disorder ever get engaged with each other?

Yet, if you think about it, you might have already met a couple of narcissist couples. Or you might have even seen them on TV, among so-called power couples.

Narcissists do get into relationships with other narcissists, and we’ll discuss why and what this relationship looks like.

What makes a narcissist tick

Narcissism is a personality disorder. In other words, it’s real and it is considered a genuine problem by professionals dealing with mental health. If you had the “honor” of meeting a narcissist, or being involved with one, you probably agree with considering it a psychiatric condition.

The fact that it’s a personality disorder basically means it’s also an untreatable disorder.

Narcissists are extremely self-absorbed individuals who have grandiose beliefs about their worth. They lack empathy and will always put their own needs first.

..Everything in their lives needs to support their grandiose self-image, including relationships. As parents, they require their children to serve as a representation of their own talent and superiority.

Nonetheless, in the roots of this extreme self-confidence and love for oneself is the opposite feeling. Narcissists are, although very deeply hidden, in fact, extremely insecure. They absolutely need to have control over everything surrounding them, or else they would crumble. They need everything to build into their fantasy of grandiosity.

Narcissist couples in relationships

Narcissists do get into romantic relationships. They get married and have children. You would expect a narcissist to stay single or in casual relationships, to be able to pursue their career or talents. But, they do enjoy having someone near too.

They usually shape (often through abuse)  their partner into what they need to get that constant admiration and care. Basically, spouses of narcissists end up sacrificing everything to be able to be there and please their ever-hungry-for-praise partners.

Narcissist couples aren’t really able to provide love and affection to each other. They might seem to be doing so in the beginning, but soon everyone is clear on what their roles are.

The narcissist demands and their partner provides. They don’t have an interest in their spouse’s feelings, needs, and interests. They do have an interest in their own wants and requirements. They will talk and never listen. They will ask and never give back.

When two narcissists are in love – Narcissist couples

One might wonder how come two such people would get together. It sounds counterintuitive to expect two selfish individuals to form a couple. Who does the pleasing then? Who is there to serve as a personal assistant in that relationship?

You would expect a narcissist to find someone who is insecure and a natural people-pleaser so they don’t have to work too much on getting them into that slave-like position. And this does happen most of the time.

Nonetheless, there’s also another possibility, and that is for two narcissists to become a narcissist couple. We can’t say exactly why this happens. As we’ll show you in the next section, research even shows that two narcissists tend to be in a relationship perhaps even more than with non-narcissistic people. We could assume a several reasons for this.

The first is that similarities attract. We’ll talk more about this option in a bit.

The second possibility is that since narcissists aren’t really desirable life partners, they end up having to scrape the leftovers.

Non-narcissists will probably find someone who can reciprocate their love and care. Finally, what might also be true is that they are attracted to the perfect image a narcissist puts forth. They might like how they appear as a couple, thus, how their narcissistic partner makes them look good in the public eye.

The science behind narcissist couples

A recent study revealed that a narcissist is likely to have a narcissistic partner in long-term relationships. The same goes for Machiavellianism and psychopathy. This is a valuable finding, as it supports the thesis that like attracts like, even among people who normally might be better complemented by less self-absorbed individuals.

Narcissist couples don’t really know how to form an intimate and loving relationship. Yet, they seem to have enough in common to overcome this and end up married. This study showed that it’s not that people become alike with time. Two narcissists will be attracted to each other in the first place.

When you think of how dissatisfying a life of a spouse of a narcissist is, one might be happy that narcissists find happiness in sharing their selfishness.

Summing up

The similarities between two narcissists can make them feel attracted to each other. They may find solace in being with someone who has the same value system as them.

The expectations from a relationship are different between narcissistic and non-narcissistic people. And this difference can become the cause of a lot of friction and dissatisfaction. However, when a narcissistic is in a relationship with another narcissist, they have similar expectations.

Both narcisstic partner can agree on the level of proximity that they would like to maintain and not find each other’s behavior odd.


Share this article on

Share this article on

About narcissists in relationships - Diary of a psychotherapist and a person - LiveJournal

I love narcissists. Narcissists are wonderful. Narcissists are wonderful. Working with them is one continuous


infinitely long pleasure. And each success is an amazing happiness, because the process is so slow and so difficult that sometimes you yourself want to admit your own insignificance (Andrey said and immediately died).
Usually, narcissists start each meeting with a therapist by devaluing his outfit/look/words/well, or all at once, so that life does not seem like honey. If the therapist doesn't drop dead, they start talking.

But that's not what I'm talking about now. I'm talking about narcissists as partners - today we talked a little about this with a client, I remembered many details from my own and therapeutic experience.
To begin with, narcissists cannot be partners in a relationship. They do not know how to do this, and it is pointless to demand this from a person with a pronounced narcissistic component. With the same success, you can demand from a hypochondriac that he scored on his health.
At the same time, the narcissist will be sure that he is an excellent partner.

Daffodils are known to be of two main types: grandiose and insignificant. Moreover, each of them is subdivided into two more: imaginary and real. The grandiose imaginary actually has no merit, like an insignificant real one. At the same time, the first one will talk beautifully about what he has achieved and will achieve, and the second one will no less beautifully pour shit on himself from head to toe, reveling in how exactly he suffered in life, who and how offended him, and how they are all limitless bastards.
But they are not so interesting, because any more or less well-off person quickly realizes that it is almost impossible to live with such a partner. And my posts will not help the unsaved.

Much more interesting are the really grandiose and supposedly insignificant daffodils. Actually, the same person can exist in these two poles. They are really cool, incredibly cool, and as beautifully cool as non-narcissists can be. Such is the selyavi.
These people really can lead a company at twenty-five, and at thirty they can be the best specialist in their field. Important uncles and aunts can really shake hands with them. And they, as a rule, look pretty cool - and are ready to invest in it with plastic surgery, hunger strikes, and plowing in the gym. Not all, but many.
But there is one problem: they will never be satisfied with the result. Any achievement narcissist rejoices for thirty seconds. You are crazy: how, well, how a person who has just been on top of the world, whom all his friends have just congratulated on his birthday, presented a ship, sang a serenade and prayed from above, can literally sit on the same evening or the next day and with full sob with dedication that his life is over, meaningless and devoid of joy.
They can. Moreover, they do it completely sincerely. However, in this state, few people see them.
It is very interesting to watch the career of a narcissist: it is usually a series of "free swims" and work for an uncle. Because he easily charms the employer, then he gets bored, he gains grandiosity, arranges his project, closes all personal connections, ruins the project, charms the next employer. In the process, sometimes it switches from black caviar to doshirak and vice versa.

But we are talking about relationships. So, when you meet a narcissist, you are amazed: he is cool, incredibly cool and wonderful. Like a sun. And - if you are not lucky - then he turns on this sun with you to the fullest, from which you go blind. The one whom the daffodil chose as the chosen one, as they say, hit.
Because it's LOVE! You are everything to him. He breathes you. He meets and picks you up from work, serenades you, prays to your image. He is ready for anything. Marry? - right now. Go to Milan? - wait, he'll just buy the tickets. Have seven children and send them all to Oxford? - ha, there is nothing easier.
You only go to the best places (even if it's McDonald's), they throw the city at your feet without any trifles, they drown you in happiness.

Most female narcissists rarely enter into sexual relationships (everyone is not good enough for them), but everyone else (both men and women) changes partners quite often. Because immediately after the first period comes the second - depreciation. Devaluation is the alpha and omega of the narcissist, it's how he lives, it's how he breathes and thinks. Everything that falls into the focus of "value" stays there for seconds. And the rest of the time he devalues.
From no one you will hear so much nasty things about former partners, husbands, wives, colleagues and employers, as from him. Everyone, literally everyone he's met in his life is either FUCKING or an asshole. And the second - the vast majority. He sees it that way.
But, if he was disappointed in his partner, then we can assume that he was lucky. True, in a split second he will fly from heaven to the sinful earth, having received all the bruises and abrasions in bulk, because daffodils are disappointed as elegantly as they are enchanted (at best, they disappear, at worst, they list in detail what is happening to a person in their opinion not this way). It is very rare that anyone can throw them first, because at the charm stage it seems to a person that he won a billion in the lottery, and the second comes suddenly.

Some of the narcissists are able to create stable pairs. And this is - from my point of view - the biggest horror. Because narcissists eat their partners alive: in the first place, depreciation never goes away. In a partner, everything is always wrong. Secondly, rare bursts of happiness depend only on the narcissist - they are almost impossible to cause if he is in the wrong mood - and even they already sound like "well, at least something", "for once you look like a man" and " yes, even if it required such an effort from you ... ". Third, all resources in a pair are the narcissist's resources. That is, everything that the partner does is usually "eaten up" by the narcissist and very quickly turns into serving his and only his interests.
What do they usually do?
1. Dismiss a person from work or completely take away the income from it. It is quite easy to do this: since the main mechanism of work is depreciation, they simply devalue human activity to death: this is a stupid company, idiotic work, it is too far away, they pay too little for it, no one needs it, or - finalochka - you are not with it coping. If it didn’t work out to fire a person (or for some reason the narcissist does not want to work himself), he simply takes all the money for himself, because he needs it more;
2. They kill a person's self-esteem. As a rule, he is already ready for this, otherwise he would have run away from the fifth date, but the narcissist actively finishes off: he criticizes everything from appearance to ending with poses in sex. You can’t hide or hide from him, and he spreads any attempts to become better with even greater passion. Then there are two ways - either he gets his victim so much that she runs away, dropping her slippers, or she sinks deeper and deeper into despair and depression. All the partners of narcissists I have met have either anorexia or bulimia. I'm not sure if this really applies to everyone who lives with them, but it seems to me that relationships with food and body image should be violated under such pressure. At the same time, the victim is sure that they are trying to do something for her;
3. Destroy all relationships with other people. That with depreciation is also easy to arrange. People even stop talking to their parents and children;
4. Create the most difficult symbiotic or dependent relationship. The most it is with chemicals.

Leaving such a relationship is harder than quitting drinking.
What a rag a person turns into in five years - it's just amazing. At the same time, the daffodil against this background continues to shine with the brightest light. Like a sun.

Therefore, if your partner is diagnosed with narcissism and goes to therapy - be prepared for the fact that changes will begin to occur within the first five years - at best.
If he does not go to therapy and does not see any problem at all, then heroin is better for me right away. Faster and cheaper. And most importantly - they say - at least some pleasure.

How is the relationship with the narcissist? — NARCISSM

Relationships with such a person are always a one-way street. Its goal is to get a resource without giving anything in return. His inner emptiness yearns to be filled. The empty ego is greedily looking for something that can satisfy the inner hunger.


  1. What can be a resource for a narcissistic person?
  2. How does an individual with a narcissistic character obtain a resource?
  3. Do daffodils get married?
  4. Can a narcissist improve?

Emotions that can revive him.
Status, beauty, mind partner.
Access to power to solve their problems.
Food, overnight stay, sex.

How does an individual with a narcissistic character obtain a resource?

By manipulation. The narcissist arranges his relationships in such a way that everyone does something for him. At the same time, he does not owe anyone.

Manipulation is a method of influencing another person, when the victim voluntarily gives resources to the manipulator and does not demand anything in return.

The narcissist fits in well in relationships: he creates the illusion of an ideal partnership, promises a happy future. The partner is fascinated, listens, believes, hopes, opens up, talks about his abilities.

At first, the narcissistic personality may even invest a little in relationships in order to create an exchange effect. But! It is invested for three kopecks only to demand three rubles later!

Narcissists can often say beautifully: “We are together and we must help each other”, “Close people help each other”. Their partners find it difficult to say "no" and they fall into a trap. They write dissertations for them, provide them with finances, and get them jobs using their connections. They provide accommodation, sign apartments, take them on vacation. Narcissists live at the expense of others.

Narcissists are emotional vampires right and left talking about how unhappy they are and how much they do for others, how they are not appreciated, or how amazing husbands / wives, professionals (and the rest are fools), etc.

Narcissists can betray, break promises, bully mentally and physically in order to cause pain in a partner. Seeing the destruction of another, they are restored. They feel good at heart from the fact that the other is bad and from the feeling of their influence. Power, influence give the narcissist the opportunity to feel their importance.

As you can see, there are many ways to prove your worth. But neither money, nor fame, nor power, nor beautiful outfits can quench the thirst of a narcissist for a long time. Because external resources are unreliable, and internal recognition of one's own value is violated.

Contact with deep power source interrupted. Therefore, a person with a narcissistic character is constantly looking for more and more new suppliers of resources.

Narcissists are characterized by infidelity, frequent changes of sexual partners. After all, only a new object can make an indelible impression. Charm, promise and pump out the necessary resource, which the victim will tell about in a moment of revelation.

Or maybe go straight to the next partner/partner if there is nothing to take besides sex. Leaving the victim of such a relationship in bewilderment and conjecture: “What did I do wrong?” This is the reality of narcissistic personalities.

Do daffodils get married?

The percentage of unmarried narcissists is greater than any other psychological types. They are in an eternal search for the perfect partner and the perfect relationship. Their infantile hunger dictates the fantasy that somewhere there is the very person who will ideally take care of, provide financially, will do everything around the house, raise children, will be unrealistically beautiful (so as not to be ashamed to show people), will have a prestigious job (so that you can be proud of him), etc. etc.

If the narcissist gets married, he creates a very comfortable life for himself by parasitizing on his partner. Not only does it parasitize, but he still manages to make a sharp joke on his partner, humiliate and devalue him.

If a narcissist earns and supports a family, then nothing else can be demanded of him. It does not concern the solution of the problems of the family, children, does not delve into anything. In this version, the narcissist usually becomes a tyrant. He believes that his feat in the name of the family (earning money) allows him to offend loved ones, humiliate their personality. And also not to hide the rage and contempt for them. Feeling the defenselessness of a partner and children, the narcissist scoffs in full.

Can a narcissist improve?

The question does not yet have a clear answer. In my opinion, it all depends on the depth of personality disorders and on the degree of awareness of the problem by the narcissist himself.

But the fact that a loved one is able to heal such a person with his love is most likely not realistic. Lose strength, time and health! Communication with such a person is incredibly toxic! Self-esteem, personality and body are destroyed.

I remember a case when a girl, being in a relationship with a narcissist on the verge of breaking up, gave him an ultimatum: either you go to a psychologist, or we leave. He went. I was afraid of losing a resource.

The first thing he said to the psychologist when asked about your relationship: “We are a very beautiful couple.” That is, her soul, values, uniqueness as a person are not important for him! What matters is how they look together!

For several sessions in a row, he talked about what an alpha male he is, trying to charm the psychologist, but the girl does not appreciate him. He never once raised the issue of suffering from outbursts of uncontrollable rage, which in fact was the root cause of the problems.

The narcissist does not see this as a problem, because he is special and "accept me for who I am." Or he denies the reality of the destructiveness of his own behavior on other people. He wasn't ready to change!

The girl nevertheless decided to break off the relationship, because after two years of communication with this man, she began to have health problems.

Learn more