Parents empty nest
Empty nest syndrome - Better Health Channel
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Summary
Read the full fact sheet- Empty nest syndrome refers to the grief that many parents feel when their children move out of home.
- This condition is typically more common in women, who are more likely to have had the role of primary carer.
- If one child has moved out and you still have others living at home with you, plan in advance for the day when your nest will be empty of all children.
- Seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed.
Empty nest syndrome refers to the grief that many parents feel when their children move out of home. This condition is typically more common in women, who are more likely to have had the role of primary carer. Unlike the grief experienced when (for example) a loved one dies, the grief of empty nest syndrome often goes unrecognised, because an adult child moving out of home is seen as a normal, healthy event.
Upset parents may find few sources of support or sympathy. In many cases, empty nest syndrome is compounded by other difficult life events or significant changes happening around the same time, such as retirement or menopause.
Loss of motherhood
Empty nest syndrome can afflict both parents, but mothers seem to be most susceptible. Many mothers may have dedicated 20 years or more of their lives to bringing up their children, and see motherhood as their primary role. This is true even for most working mothers. Once the last child moves out, the mother may feel that her most important job is finished. Similarly to anyone experiencing redundancy, the mother may feel worthless, disoriented and unsure of what meaning her future may hold. However, most mothers adapt in time. Psychologists suggest that it may take between 18 months and two years to make the successful transition from ‘mum’ to independent woman.
Some parents are more susceptible than others
Research suggests that some parents are more susceptible than others.
People who suffer the most from empty nest syndrome tend to have things in common, including:
- Change is considered stressful, rather than challenging or refreshing.
- They found moving out of home a difficult and emotional experience.
- Their marriage is unstable or unsatisfactory.
- Experiences such as weaning their babies from the breast, or sending their children off to school, were emotional and painful.
- People who rely on their roles for self-identity are more likely to feel bereft than people who have a strong sense of self-worth.
- People who are full-time parents are more often affected than people who also have other duties to perform (such as paid employment).
- Parents who worry that their children aren’t ready to take on adult responsibilities tend to experience more grief.
New challenges
The challenges faced by parents experiencing empty nest syndrome include:
- Establishing a new kind of relationship with their adult children.
- Becoming a couple again, after years of sharing the home with children.
- Filling the void in the daily routine created by absent children.
- Lack of sympathy or understanding from others, who consider children moving out to be a normal, healthy event.
Other difficulties
The grief of empty nest syndrome may be compounded by other life events happening at the same time, including:
- Retirement
- Redundancy
- Menopause
- Death of a spouse.
Working again
Some full-time mothers (and fathers) return to work or retrain. Suggestions include:
- Write up a list of all those things you promised you would do ‘one day’ and start making those dreams a reality.
- Set achievable goals to start with, for example, short courses are probably more realistic as a first step, than launching into a three year degree.
- Network with friends and associates to uncover employment opportunities.
- Join professional associations or hobby groups.
- Consider volunteer work to expand your network of contacts.
Coping with stress and depression
Your child moving out of home is a significant stress. Suggestions for coping include:
- Acknowledge your grief (even if you feel that no one else seems to understand) and allow yourself to feel upset.
- Rituals, such as funerals, help us to come to terms with difficult changes. Create your own rituals to help acknowledge your feelings. Suggestions include planting a tree, or redecorating your child’s old room.
- Discuss your thoughts, feelings and future plans with your spouse.
- Seek advice and support from other friends who understand how you feel, some of them may also have experienced empty nest syndrome.
- Give yourself time to adapt to the changes. Don’t expect too much of yourself, particularly in the first few weeks or months.
- Pursue your hobbies and interests now that you have more time.
- Some people find that keeping a journal is helpful, while others find peace through prayer. Do whatever feels right for you.
- Put off making any big decisions - such as selling up and moving to a smaller house - until you feel you have adapted.
- Keep up regular routines and self-care, such as eating a healthy diet and exercising regularly.
- Seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed.
Planning in advance
If one child has moved out and you still have others living at home with you, plan in advance for the day when your nest will be empty of all children. Small changes made over time will mean less of a shock when your last child moves out. You may find, with thought and careful planning, that the occasion of your last child leaving home will offer a little happiness too, as you can then implement your plans for an independent life with your spouse.
Where to get help
- Psychologist Referral Service - Freecall 1800 333 497
- Parentline Tel.
132 289
Things to remember
- Empty nest syndrome refers to the grief that many parents feel when their children move out of home.
- This condition is typically more common in women, who are more likely to have had the role of primary carer.
- If one child has moved out and you still have others living at home with you, plan in advance for the day when your nest will be empty of all children.
- Seek professional help if you feel overwhelmed.
- Berryhill, A. (1999), 'The Empty Nest', in Better Homes and Gardens,May 1999. Available online at FindArticles.com, Meredith Corporation, in association with LookSmart & The Gale Group. More information here.
- Coping with grief (1999) [online], GriefLink, National Association for Loss & Grief (SA), Unley, South Australia. More information here.
- Ahern, Dr C., 'Emotional aspects of menopause', in MedicineAu[online journal], Medicine Australia, Northern Rivers Division of General Practice, NSW.
More information here.
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Reviewed on: 01-06-2012
How to cope when kids fly the coop
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What is empty nest syndrome?
What are the symptoms of empty nest syndrome?
How long does empty nest syndrome last?
3 stages of empty nest syndrome
Are some parents more susceptible than others?
How to deal with empty nest syndrome
Being a parent sure has its ups and downs. From hearing their first words to waving goodbye on their first day as a senior in high school, having children is full of significant life events.
But there’s one big event in family life that many parents struggle with. And that’s when their children leave home.
Empty nest syndrome is the grief that many parents feel when their children move out of the home. While it isn’t a clinical diagnosis, it is a common phenomenon in which parents experience sadness and loneliness.
They grieve the loss of a lifestyle and relationship that was part of their identity.
Let’s look at some symptoms of empty nest syndrome and how you can healthily deal with your children leaving the nest.
What is empty nest syndrome?
Empty nest syndrome is the sadness or emotional turmoil that parents grapple with in the wake of their children growing up and moving out of their family home. ‘Nest’ refers to the popular saying that children 'spread their wings’ when they grow up and move on.
We often hear the words ‘empty nest syndrome’ when the end of the high school or college season draws near. It stirs up some mixed feelings: anxiety, excitement, relief, and sadness.
On the one hand, you are proud to see your child go out into the world as an independent young adult. On the other hand, you can’t help but worry over their well-being while grieving the closeness that came with living under the same roof.
The good news is that you are not alone in your experience of empty nest syndrome.
What are the symptoms of empty nest syndrome?
Empty nest syndrome manifests in different ways for different people. Let’s look at some common symptoms.
Loneliness
Following the departure of your beloved child, you may feel overwhelmingly alone. It can be isolating to wake up one morning and remember that your children are no longer living at home with you.
Emotional distress
Empty nest syndrome can be a rollercoaster ride. One minute you are crying at the sight of a family photograph, and the next, you are fantasizing about what to do with your newfound space and freedom. This might lead you to feel emotionally exhausted.
A loss of purpose
Being a parent, particularly a stay-at-home parent, is a full-time job. When you no longer see your kids daily, it can leave an enormous vacuum. This void, or sense of nothingness, may cause you to feel as if you are lacking in purpose.
Fear of a lack of control
When your child moves away, you can no longer keep tabs on them.
This can feel like a great loss of control for many parents. You may feel tempted to check up on them every hour and want to know their every move.
Worry and anxiety
Hopefully, you trust your child and have faith in your ability to raise a capable individual. Nonetheless, you may feel like you are wading through a fast-flowing river of worry and anxiety. It’s normal for your imagination to run wild and catastrophize minor troubles.
Depression
For the most part, a parent will spend around 18 years looking after and living with their child. There is a deep sense of grief and sadness that comes with learning to love them from a distance.
How long does empty nest syndrome last?
Every parent will have a different experience of empty nest syndrome. It may only last a few weeks for some, while it may persist for years for others.
Typically, parents will experience the symptoms of empty nest syndrome for a few months. ‘A few months’ may be anything from two months to a whole year.
One survey found that it takes parents an average of three months to get used to an empty house.
However, empty nest syndrome can start as an anticipatory emotional response before your child has actually moved out.
It is completely okay if it takes you a bit longer to overcome these feelings. Everybody has their own timeline for processing loss and adapting to a change of life stage or change in lifestyle.
As much as possible, don’t time-pressure yourself into a state of false emotional well-being.
That being said, it’s important to realize that clinical depression may be misconstrued as empty nest syndrome. 5% of the global population struggles with depression. If your symptoms persist for a prolonged period of time, we highly advise that you seek professional guidance.
3 stages of empty nest syndrome
According to Carin Rubenstein’s widely renowned book, Beyond the Mommy Years, there are three stages of empty nest syndrome:
1.
GriefWhen your child first leaves home, you are likely to feel overcome by feelings of sadness and loss. You may be feeling teary-eyed and emotionally triggered by the simplest things.
This sadness could make you withdraw from the world for some time as you try to deal with the immense change that has taken place in your life.
2. Relief
After a few months have passed, you may find yourself relishing your newfound freedom.
Instead of the mental load from having to drive your kids everywhere and never-ending housekeeping, you now have time for self-care and hobbies. This newly liberated lifestyle is bound to inspire a sense of relief.
3. Joy
Once you have ridden the roller-coaster of sadness, reprieve, and freedom, you should reach the stage of joy. Hopefully, you have settled into your new self-determined rhythms. Perhaps you might be establishing new social networks or finally booking that couple’s getaway. Or maybe, even a solo vacation.
You can rest assured that with your conscious parenting, you have sent your child out into the world with all the necessary love, knowledge, and support.
Are some parents more susceptible than others?
No one can predict their experience of empty nest syndrome. However, it has been noted that a few types of parents are slightly more susceptible to experiencing the symptoms of empty nest syndrome.
Helicopter parents
Helicopter parents pay incredibly close attention to the behaviors and problems experienced by their child. They tend to intervene at the minor hint of struggle or trouble.
They ‘hover overhead,’ hence the name. Their instinct to protect and nurture may override the rational voice in their head that assures them their child needs space.
Stay-at-home parents
The more time you spend with your children, the more you feel responsible for meeting all their needs. You become each other’s full-time companion.
Parenting is, essentially, your job.
Realizing that your role in their lives has to shift dramatically is challenging to accept.
Single parents
As a single parent, you may feel solely responsible for your child’s well-being and happiness. When they leave, you cannot go through the emotional struggles with your child’s other parent. This can make the feelings of loneliness and confusion worse.
As 90% of single parents are women, it is more likely that a mother will experience heightened symptoms of empty nest syndrome.
Parents who rely on their parent roles for self-identity
Many parents, particularly full-time parents, get their sense of purpose and motivation from their roles as parents. Parenthood is integral to their sense of identity. When they cannot assume that role, it can trigger feelings of insecurity and self-doubt.
Parents with marital struggles
In some marriages, the only thing keeping the relationship going is the mutual love for their children. Often, parents want to protect their children from the pain of parental divorce.
Even in a less extreme instance, a struggling relationship may worsen feelings of depression and isolation. And the struggles within the relationship may become more apparent once the children leave the house.
How to deal with empty nest syndrome
As difficult as it is, there are ways for you to cope with empty nest syndrome. Here are some ideas:
1. Make social connections
Use your free time to reconnect with old friends. Understandably, parents may neglect their social relationships as they barely have time for themselves, let alone others.
Try to enter a new social space that offers new connections. Investing in friendships is a healthy distraction, and it alleviates feelings of loneliness.
2. Seek professional help
If your symptoms of empty nest syndrome are severe and they persist, you should seek professional guidance. A trained counselor can offer grief support and help you manage your emotions.
The symptoms of depression may be confused with the symptoms of empty nest syndrome, and if you suffer from the former, you can utilize safe and effective therapies.
3. Set goals for the future
Adopting a forward-looking mindset alleviates feelings of grief. It sparks motivation and promotes a healthy sense of perspective. Setting and achieving goals also encourages the development of your authentic identity.
4. Take up a new hobby or career
Exploring different facets of your identity and expanding your interests can be an incredibly fulfilling journey.
Try out a variety of new activities in your area, whether that’s a book club or yoga classes. A new physical activity is a wonderful way of broadening your social circle while maintaining your physical health.
Or maybe a new career path may be the self-confidence boost you need. Changing your career allows you to embody an empowered side of yourself that you may have neglected.
5. Reconnect with your partner
An empty nest is a perfect opportunity to spend quality time with your significant other. Use this new space and time to reignite the romance in your relationship.
This is the ideal time to create a loving home environment and a mutually supportive, compassionate relationship. In fact, 63% of empty nesters report they became closer with their spouse after their children left home.
6. Practice self-care
Set aside time to take care of yourself. This could mean taking a relaxing bubble bath, cooking a delicious meal, going for a run, or journaling.
Everyone has a preferred self-care ritual. Find what works for you.
7. Focus on the positives
You are allowed to feel sad about your child leaving home. That being said, their moving out is a normal and positive change. You should celebrate your child’s independence. Feel excited about all the opportunities that await them with learned optimism.
After all, you deserve a huge congratulations for getting them to this point!
8. Keep in touch with your children
Thankfully, we live in an age of technology that allows for effortless global communication. Your child may live one block away or on the other side of the planet. Either way, you can still stay in contact.
Physical distance does not equate to emotional distance. Stay in touch to show your child that you still love them unconditionally.
Empty nest syndrome is normal: you are not alone
While parents should encourage their children to blossom into young adults with their own independent life, sending children off into the world can be difficult.
If you are experiencing the emotions of empty nest syndrome, it’s important to remember that you are not alone in feeling a sense of loss.
Although it is common in many parents around the world, don’t feel pressured to compare your journey to others or to ‘snap yourself out of it.’
Invest in self-care and healthy relationships, and focus on the positive aspects of your child’s young independence.
If you need additional support, get in touch with BetterUp. One of our expert coaches will be happy to support you.
Empty nest syndrome: how to let the children go to single parents
To parents
Responsible parents who are actively involved in the life of a child find it difficult to come to terms with the silence in an empty house. Single fathers and mothers have it even harder. However, the empty nest syndrome is not always a negative experience. Research confirms that after separation from children, parents often experience a spiritual uplift, a sense of novelty and unprecedented freedom.
What is “empty nest syndrome”
With the birth of children, many people literally merge with the parental role and stop separating it from their own "I". For 18 years, and sometimes longer, they are absorbed in parental duties from morning to evening. It is not surprising that with the departure of children, they are overcome by a feeling of emptiness, loneliness and confusion.
The period is really difficult, and it is natural to miss children. But it also happens that this syndrome awakens feelings of guilt, own insignificance and abandonment, which can develop into depression. If there is no one to share feelings with, emotional stress becomes unbearable.
Classic empty nest syndrome is thought to affect unemployed parents, usually mothers. If you have to stay at home with a child, the circle of interests is greatly narrowed. But when the child ceases to need guardianship, personal freedom begins to weigh.
However, according to a study by psychologist Karen Fingerman, this phenomenon is gradually fading away. Many mothers work. Communication with children who study in another city becomes much easier and more accessible. Accordingly, fewer parents, and in particular mothers, experience this syndrome. If a child grows up without a father, the mother is all the more eager to earn money.
In addition, single parents find other areas for self-realization, so the likelihood of empty nest syndrome is reduced. But be that as it may, if there is no loved one nearby, the silence in an empty house can seem unbearable.
Risk factors for single parents
To date, there is no evidence that "loners" suffer from this syndrome more often than married couples. Nevertheless, it is known that this is not a disease, but a certain set of characteristic symptoms. Psychologists have identified the main causes of this condition.
If spouses live together, one of them can afford to rest for a couple of hours or sleep longer while the other takes care of the child. Single parents rely only on themselves. This means less rest, less sleep, less time for other activities. Some of them give up careers, hobbies, romantic relationships and new acquaintances in order to pay more attention to children.
When children leave, single parents have more time. It would seem that finally you can do whatever you want, but there is neither the strength nor the desire. Many begin to regret the missed chances that they had to sacrifice for the sake of their children. For example, they grieve about a failed romance or lament that it is too late to change jobs or get involved in a new hobby.
Myths and reality
It is not true that growing up a child is always painful. After all, parenting is exhausting work that takes a lot of strength. Although single parents often experience empty nest syndrome when their children leave, there are many among them who find the meaning of life anew.
Having let the children go “free swimming”, they enjoy the opportunity to sleep off, relax, make new acquaintances, and, in fact, become themselves again. Many feel joy and pride from the fact that the child has become independent.
In addition, when children begin to live separately, relationships often improve and become truly friendly. Many parents admit that after the child left, mutual affection became much more sincere.
Although it is believed that this syndrome develops mainly in mothers, this is not the case. In fact, studies show that this condition is more common in fathers.
Coping with Empty Nest Syndrome
Feelings about leaving children are neither right nor wrong. Many parents really throws it into joy, then into sadness. Instead of doubting your own adequacy, it is better to listen to emotions, because this is a natural transition to the next level of parenthood.
Things to help you adapt to change:
- Consider who you can talk to or look for support groups. Don't keep your emotions to yourself. Parents who find themselves in the same situation will understand your feelings and tell you how to deal with them.
- Do not pester your child with complaints and advice. So you risk spoiling the relationship, which will definitely increase the empty nest syndrome.
- Plan activities together, but let your child enjoy their newfound freedom. For example, offer to go somewhere on vacation or ask how to please him when he comes home.
- Find something to do. Now you have much more time, so spend it with pleasure. Sign up for an interesting course, go on dates, or just lounge on the couch with a good book.
- Talk about your emotions with a therapist. It will help you define where parenthood is in your life and develop a new sense of identity.
In therapy, you will learn to recognize destructive thoughts, apply self-help techniques to prevent depression, and separate your self from the role of a parent.
In addition, a competent specialist will help you choose the right strategy for communicating with a child who is striving for independence and maintain mutual trust.
About the author: Zahn Willines is a behavioral psychotherapist specializing in psychological addictions.
Text: Elena Anisimova Photo source: Getty Images
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Empty nest syndrome is a beautiful expression that hides a tangle of not very pleasant emotions and experiences of parents whose child becomes independent. Children leave to study, create their own families or simply decide to live separately. Inna Khamitova, a psychologist and director of the Center for Systemic Family Therapy, tells how to survive this period.
Perhaps every parent has empty nest syndrome?
Inna Khamitova: This is what happens to all of us when our children grow up and fly out of the house. And they leave their parents in almost the same position in which they were in the first years of married life. But then they were young and not burdened with offspring. And now they have a long life behind them.
And here everything depends on what this path was like. The empty nest syndrome can flare up in full force - and the family will not survive. Either the new period will be a renaissance in relationships, will give greater freedom, greater satisfaction with life.
In other words, an "empty nest" is not always a symbol of melancholy and abandonment?
Inna Khamitova: Remember when children are just growing up, how nice it is sometimes to return to an empty house, when they are, for example, in the camp or with their grandmother and you can do your own business. So now, when they have grown up safely, your "empty nest" may well evoke positive feelings, the feeling that you have paid all family and social debts, are free from obligations and your life finally belongs only to you. But often, because of an empty nest, a person begins to feel that his life seems to be incomplete.
And that life itself is now meaningless, abandoned, like that old nest from which the chicks have flown... approaching adulthood. According to statistics, the first wave of divorces occurs in the second year of marriage, but the next wave of breakups happens just after the grown-up children fly out of the nest.
It turns out that these are not the experiences of one person, but the common problem of a couple?
Inna Khamitova: There are even more actors involved in this play than just spouses... What's going on? When a couple becomes parents, they are distracted from their own marital relationship and switch to parenting. And sometimes it turns out that the family generally rests only on their parenthood. Then the spouses are afraid to let the grown child out into the world. Not only because of natural anxieties about how a child will cope with adulthood. But also because of fear for their marital relationship, for what will happen to their couple if the fledgling child flies away. And it happens that on both sides - children's and parent's - there is an unspoken compromise: children do not seem to grow up, and parents ... do everything so that they do not grow up. In such a family, the empty nest syndrome will not happen. There will be only fruitless attempts to break the vicious circle. And sad stories when a teenager starts drinking, leading an antisocial lifestyle so that his parents can forever take care of him.
The empty nest syndrome can flare up in full force - and then the family will not survive
But more often, nevertheless, separation occurs, the child grows up and leaves ...
Inna Khamitova: ...And adults have to turn around to each other. And then there are unpleasant discoveries: for example, people realize that too many grievances have accumulated between them. Or - that they just became complete strangers to each other. Because over the past years they have completely focused on parenthood, developed as if separately and became very distant from each other. This is a crisis that almost every family goes through. People ask questions. "Why do I need this? The children have grown up, my husband is a stranger, I'll go, finally, go about my business." Or: "My wife does not understand me at all, she is a strange woman for me, I am not interested in her. " Connections begin on the side, and this, as a rule, ends in divorce ... Not every family can effectively go through the period of an empty nest. Especially when their marital bond has always been very weak.
What other scenarios are possible?
Inna Khamitova: Here's another option. It is known what big investments - material, emotional and physical - the upbringing of children requires. And also a job, a career. And it turns out that people in their youth work a lot and take care of children. And they do not have enough strength to live in a pair. And when the children flit out, the spouses finally turn to each other and notice: "What an interesting person, it turns out, next to me!" At the same time, they already have more material opportunities than in their youth, and excellent prospects open up before them. Now they can develop together, they have become more experienced and interesting.
And, finally, the happiest scenario, when people did not move away from each other, they were always close in their marriage. Yes, and something is changing with them, children's voices are not heard. But - and so good. The state when you feel good both with children and without children is exactly what you should strive for.
At an age when many are overtaken by the syndrome of an empty nest, I looked at my peers: someone became interested in sailing, someone opened their own business, someone radically changed their place of residence...
Started like a second life?
Inna Khamitova: Yes, it's not for nothing that they say now that the current 30 years are the former 20, the current 50 are the former 40. Well, at 40, life is just beginning. You are still full of energy, but you have a huge life experience, a more secure financial position. Once the kids are on their feet and you have "extra time", there's a lot more that can be done. Especially - if you managed to maintain the support of a partner. And if you failed, then rediscover yourself, understand that there is one's own path, one's own interests.
