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Parenting teens angry teenage son


Parenting Angry Teens - Explosive Anger in Teenagers

When your teen is angry and screaming at you, the temptation for many of us is to fight back and scream louder so you “win” the argument. But what does that do? It’s natural to want to push back or stand up for yourself if someone pushes your buttons or provokes you in some way. We often unknowingly internalize this message and it becomes a parent’s mantra: “I’m not going to let my own child walk all over me.”

In addition to prolonging the argument—and encouraging your child to keep it going—yelling back also means that you’re giving up your power.

The temptation to yell or fight back is so great that it can feel nearly impossible to resist. Yet giving in to that temptation can be quite costly in ways you probably didn’t realize. When you yell or scream back at your child, it simply challenges him and effectively “ups the ante.” To put it another way, it escalates the argument. Not only that, but it keeps the fight going longer—the more you try to “win” and come out on top, the more your child fights back, so the louder you yell, and then he starts throwing things… When does it end?

Understand that in addition to prolonging the argument—and encouraging your child to keep it going—yelling back also means that you’re giving up your power. You and your child are now on the same level; you’re equal. You are engaging in the same exact behavior and as long as you do that, you’re only going to get more of it from your child time and time again. By bringing you down to his level, your child gains the perception that he’s in control because he can make you lose control by getting you angry.

The Brain of an Angry Teen

First and foremost, it’s important to realize that even though adolescents might engage in adult-like behaviors or try to act like adults, they do not have the brains of adults. The brains of adolescents are still developing, and they continue to do so into their early to mid-twenties. That considered, it does not make sense to really expect children to act like we do as adults. In fact, kids often perceive things in a very different way than we do, in part due to faulty or distorted thinking. The danger comes in when they use this distorted thinking to justify or rationalize their angry behavior.

In the Total Transformation Program, James Lehman identifies several different kinds of faulty thinking that kids experience. Keep in mind that faulty thinking is not something someone engages in intentionally. Rather, these are automatic thoughts, like “It’s not my fault that I broke the door. I was mad at my brother.” Or, “My teacher’s a jerk. Why should I do what she says?” If you pay attention to your own thoughts, I’m sure you’ll find that you experience faulty thinking from time to time as well, because it doesn’t just occur in children—we all do it.

What

Not to Do

Yell, curse, or name-call: There’s no excuse for abuse—not by your child and not by you. In the same way that playing the victim role is no excuse for your child to abuse someone else, your child abusing you does not excuse your yelling, cursing, or name-calling. Being verbally abusive to your child only makes things worse, both in the short-term when the argument escalates, and in the long-term when your child’s behavior doesn’t change and your relationship becomes strained.

Threaten with consequences: It’s always most effective to avoid threatening your child with specific consequences in the heat of the moment. For example, saying, “If you don’t stop, I’m taking your computer for 3 days” is not likely to get your child to suddenly stop yelling and retreat to his room. Instead, it will upset your child even more and keep the argument going. What’s more effective is to say, “If you choose not to go to your room and calm down, there will be a consequence later” and then walk away.

Attempt to control your child: This is one of the biggest stumbling blocks for parents. We hear from parents every day who, without realizing it, are trying to control their children. I think this is due, in part, to some common confusion about accountability and what that really means. Holding your child accountable does not result in a child who is obedient 100 percent of the time. It does not mean that your child will always choose to follow the rules even if you give him consequences consistently when he misbehaves. Accountability means that you set the rules and the limits, and you provide a consequence when your child decides to break the rules—period. The goal is not to prevent your child from ever breaking the rules. You’re not a puppeteer; you’re a limit-setter. Let your child make his own choice. Limits and rules were literally made to be crossed and broken because that’s how we, as humans, learn about consequences and accountability.

Another way to look at accountability is this: If your child doesn’t follow the rules, someone will find out and there will be a “price” to pay, a “cost” for his poor choice in the form of the temporary loss of a privilege he enjoys. When a child experiences this unpleasant outcome, he can use that information to help him think about things next time he is considering breaking the rules. He’ll learn to ask himself, “Is it worth it?” as he is making his choices in the future.

Get physical: This often goes hand in hand with trying to control your child. Your child didn’t turn the X-box off when you told him to, so you try to take the controller or the console itself in the heat of your argument when everyone’s emotions are running high. Or, your child threatens to leave the house when she’s angry so you try to physically keep her in the home by blocking her path or holding her back physically. Let me be clear: it’s not a good idea to get physical with your child, first and foremost because it shows your child that the way to gain control of a situation is to use physical force. Secondly, you run the risk of escalating the entire situation. Remember how we talked about that natural urge to fight back? Well, I’m sure you know that urge is very real for your teen as well. I’ve heard many stories from parents about their kids striking back in response to the parent getting physical with them first. Don’t risk it. It’s not worth it.

Try to “win”: If you’re one of those parents who already knows that the way to gain control of an argument with your child is to walk away and calm yourself down, then you can disregard this point. Realize that if you continue to try to “win” every battle with your child, you will lose “the war.” To be honest, I don’t like using “war” and “battle” comparisons because it makes it sound as if your child is your enemy. It may feel like it more often than not, but remember, your child is not really your enemy—he is a kid in need of some more effective problem-solving skills.

What I have found is that the goal for most parents I talk to is to raise their child to be respectful, accountable adults that can make it on their own in this world. If that’s the case for you, then think carefully about the battles along the way. James Lehman says, “Pick your battles, and be prepared to win the ones you pick.” This means asking yourself “Is it worth it?” before you go charging into “battle” with your child. It doesn’t mean to “win” by out-yelling your child—it means that you succeed by using effective strategies that are going to help you achieve that long-term goal.

What to Do: Try These Techniques Instead

Pick your battles and consider walking away: As mentioned above, ask yourself if it’s worth it to deal with this issue. Does it need to be dealt with right now? Should you take some time to calm down before you address it with your child? Are your buttons being pushed? Think about the situation carefully and allow some time for things to cool down. You can address it later if you still feel the issue is important after you’ve thought it through.

Use a business-like tone: James Lehman talks about the concept of treating your family like a business in the Total Transformation program. You’re the CEO of your “family business,” so when things are turbulent, remember to address your child in the same tone with which a professionally-mannered boss would address an employee with a performance issue. Stay calm and neutral, and stick to the facts.

Self-disclosure: Let your child know you’re having a hard time communicating with them in the moment. It’s perfectly okay to say things like, “It’s really hard for me to listen and talk to you when you’re screaming at me,” or “When you scream at me, I don’t really feel like helping you. ” This is a simple way to set a limit with your child and let them know their behavior isn’t working.

Challenge your child’s thinking: When I say “challenge” here I don’t mean invite your child to keep sparring with you by saying things like, “You think you’re pretty tough, big guy!?” What I mean is to point out that his behavior is ineffective. Say to your child, “I know you want to go to the mall, but talking to me like that is not going to get you what you want,” or “I get that you’re angry, but screaming at me isn’t going to get me to let you play your video games before your homework is done.”

Related content: 8 Steps to Anger Management for Kids

Last but not least, one of the single best ways to teach kids is by example. Role modeling is one of the key components of teaching kids how to behave. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: If you don’t want your child to yell at you, don’t yell at him. If you don’t want your child to curse, don’t curse. As James Lehman says, “You’ve got to model the behavior you want to see from your child.”

Related Content:
Dealing with Anger in Children and Teens: Why Is My Child So Angry?
Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify, Google, Stitcher

Why Is My Child or Teen So Angry?

Have you found yourself asking the question, “Why is my child always so angry at me?”

Do you feel like your adolescent surrounds himself or herself with a force field of anger and hostility?

In this article, James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation® child behavior program, discusses anger, hostility, and your child.

Understanding Anger and Hostility

First of all, it’s important to make a distinction between anger and hostility. When you’re angry, you feel as if you’ve been wronged, and you want to strike back somehow.

We all get angry from time to time—it’s a natural reaction to certain situations. Well adjusted kids and adults get angry but can manage their anger when it arises.

In contrast, hostility is an attitude of defensiveness and waiting for an attack. Hostility is related to antagonism, animosity, and hatred. What a lot of parents experience as defiance is, in most cases, hostility.

Think of it this way: hostility is the attitude. And the attitude says, “Don’t mess with me.” Hostility is constant and full of bad intentions.

“My Child is Angry and Hostile All the Time”

I often describe angry kids as having a “force field of hostility” around them at all times. Even if you innocently ask your teen, “How was your day?” you get a response full of contempt and disrespect. Or you get no response at all. This is hostility. And as many parents know, it’s tough to deal with a child who behaves this way.

What can a parent do when their child is hostile toward them all the time?

Some parents will punish their child for having an attitude. Other parents will yell, scream, and threaten. Unfortunately, these responses are ineffective.

I tell parents that if screaming at our kids was effective, I’d be out of business. You’d just yell at your child, and they’d change. Or you’d bring your child to my office, I’d shout at them and call them names for 45 minutes, and then they’d go home and be nice for a week.

The right response addresses the underlying problem—the hostility—and motivates your child to solve that problem by taking responsibility for their hostile behavior.

Anger, Hostility, and Thinking Errors

Hostile adolescents have a distorted way of thinking whereby they are always the victim. Their distorted thinking tells them that things aren’t fair, that their parents have placed too many expectations on them, that their teachers are idiots. They believe that nobody understands them except for their friends.

In some kids, this further develops into a general air of, “I hate you. I’m against you.” And it leads to frequent bursts of anger.

Distorted thinking is what psychologists call thinking errors. Thinking errors are the thoughts we have that don’t match reality and are usually negative and self-defeating. And, as you might expect, those who commit thinking errors don’t realize that their thoughts don’t match reality.

Teens who employ thinking errors think that they’re always the victim. In their minds, they’re the victim of you. You’re the enemy. Or they’re the victims of their teachers who are “out to get them,” according to your teen.

When kids with thinking error face consequences, they don’t connect the consequence with their behavior. Instead, they view the consequences as further evidence that they are a victim of the people out to get them.

After using these thinking errors for a while, they get into more and more trouble and develop an increasing sense of hypervigilance. Faced with criticism or challenge, they either attack or shut down. These are the kids whose parents say to me: “I can’t even get two words out of my mouth and he’s running up the stairs” or “She’s screaming at me all the time. ”

Related content: The Secret to Understanding Acting-Out Behavior: 5 Common Thinking Errors Kids Make

Accountability Is the Key to Managing Hostility

To end the hostility, the thinking-errors need to be corrected. And you address the thinking-errors by holding your child accountable for his actions so that they eventually learn to take responsibility for their behavior.

Indeed, taking responsibility for behavior is necessary for any long-lasting improvements in behavior. It’s the basis of The Total Transformation® child behavior program that I developed, and it’s the basis of the authoritative parenting style, which stresses setting and enforcing limits and, at the same time, expects parents to coach their kids to become independent and self-disciplined.

“I’m Afraid to Ask My Child to Do Anything”

Parents tell me that they are afraid to ask their hostile child or teen to do anything because it just provokes an angry outburst. Parents reason that it’s better to leave the kid alone than it is to deal with the anger.

But parents have to understand that the purpose of anger and hostility is to keep you away. Hostility and anger are like a porcupine’s quills—when you get too close, you get pricked, and it hurts.

Hostile kids are like porcupines all the time. You try to talk to them, and they glare at you the way a porcupine warns you away with his quills. You try to get closer, and next thing you know, you’re full of quills in the form of a nasty outburst.

And it’s not just with you. They’re often nasty to their siblings. These kids often prefer to hide out in their rooms and avoid contact with the family.

There’s no such thing as a pleasant conversation with them. And if you ask these kids for anything, they reply with an angry outburst.

So now your child’s attitude is, “Don’t mess with me…don’t mess with me…don’t mess with me…POW! Now you did it.” And then an hour later, or the next day, the same thing happens again.

Parents learn to avoid making their kids explode, and, as a result, the behavior continues because it has the intended effect of keeping you away.

“My Child Will Hate Me If I Give Them Consequences”

Indeed, your child wants you to believe that they will hate you if you confront their hostility and give them consequences. And we fear that our kids will no longer love us if we make them too angry.

But here’s the truth: if you make your child or teen angry, don’t worry that they will no longer love you. That’s the last thing I tell parents to worry about. Here’s why.

There’s a word we use in therapy called ambivalence. Ambivalence is the concept of having conflicting feelings, and it’s common for kids in adolescence to have ambivalence toward their parents. Their ambivalence is that they love you, but at the same time, they hate you. They love you when you’re nice to them. They hate you when you hold them accountable.

So as far as kids loving you or hating you, I think you’re going to see a lot of ambivalence from your child. I think parents have to ride that out and accept it as normal during adolescence. In other words, your child can hate you and still love you at the same time.

Adults have ambivalence too. Many of us get angry at our spouses while, at the same time, we love them. We get angry at our children, and we love them too. Think about it, the people we tend to be the angriest towards are the people we love the most! Anger in relationships is normal; we just need to learn how to deal with it. And your hostile child needs to learn how to deal with it.

I explain ambivalence to parents so that they don’t equate their child’s anger and hostility with pure hatred. It’s more than likely just the negative side of the ambivalence they feel. Kids love their parents, even when they’re acting hostile. Unless there’s some abusive situation or neurological or psychological problem, their instinct is to love their parents.

I always tell parents, if you do things for your kids so that they love you, maybe they’ll love you and maybe they won’t. I don’t know. But if you do things and carry yourself in such a way that they respect you, then they’ll want to love you. Kids want to love the people they respect—and they’ll find things to love about you.

Nevertheless, hostility that is allowed to go unchecked can seriously hurt relationships. That is why we need to confront the hostility even if it provokes an angry outburst in the short-run.

Remember, you’re not looking for friendship, love, and affection from your kids. It may be there—and I think these kids love their parents—but it has more to do with getting your child to comply with the rules.

How to Manage Your Child’s Anger and Hostility

Hostile and defiant kids are willing to break things, call you filthy names, and even run away to avoid taking responsibility for their behavior. And parents can’t prevent their child from doing those things if their child is insistent.

That’s why parents need to focus on those things over which they have control. And parents control—or ought to control—their own home. Parents need to take a stand and enforce the rules with effective consequences if those rules are broken. You might start by saying:

“If you don’t do your homework, you’re going to lose your cell phone until your homework is handed in.”

Now, while some kids will answer you with, “All right, sure, I’ll take care of it,” hostile kids will respond by saying, “It’s none of your business. It’s my grades. Don’t bother me.”

So then you take their phone. If they refuse to hand over the phone, then you say:

“Well, then I’m removing your phone from the phone plan until you comply.”

And then remove them from your phone plan.

Think of all the things over which you have control and exercise your authority over those things. Consistent exercise of that authority over the things you control will eventually get through to your child.

In extreme cases, if your child threatens you, and you fear for your safety, then you may need to consider calling the police. That needs to be an option because you should never feel unsafe in your own home.

Protect the Rest of the Family From Your Hostile Teen

If there are other siblings in your home, have a safety plan for them. Let the kids know ahead of time what to do if their brother gets out of control.

Make the plan the safest, most helpful thing for your other children to do. An example might be that they can go to their rooms and play or read a book. When an argument starts, you can say to the other kids:

“Go to your room and read a book while I deal with Johnny.”

That gets your other kids out of the way. These episodes can be traumatic for younger kids, so you will need to talk with them afterward. But, when Johnny is out of control, the important thing is their safety.

Make the Rules Clear to Your Hostile Child or Teen

Clearly explain the rules to your child or teen, especially if you have not been enforcing them consistently. Make sure they know the rules and the consequences if they break the rules. You can say:

“You’re striking out at me. You’re hostile to me and the rest of the family. When you’re hostile, I will not help you. If you want a ride to school, if you need a ride to practice, if you want to go out, if you want to do something, if you want permission to go to parties or anything, you’re not going to get it. You need to learn how to make requests, not demands.”

By the way, I always counseled parents to give their child a carrot big enough to make them want to change. This might include getting their driver’s permit or having access to electronics, or use of the car. Just remember, the carrot alone is not enough to create changes. You need to use effective consequences as well.

Coach Your Child on How to Cope with His Anger and Hostility

And ask yourself what your child can replace the hostility with if they don’t like what’s going on. How can they learn to behave differently?

With the kids I worked with, I would suggest that they keep a journal and write down their hostile feelings. They were able to take a timeout and write without a consequence. It sounds hokey, and they might not do it the first time, but I’ve found that it works.

By the way, if your child says, “I need a break right now” and goes to their room, they should never be punished for that unless they’re trying to manipulate you to get out of a chore or responsibility.

Remember, a timeout is a coping skill. We hope kids learn to take them on their own. During a timeout, your child unwinds from over–stimulation until they’re calm and composed enough to understand the situation better. It gives them a chance to reconsider his thinking errors and distorted thinking.

Kids get overstimulated, and I believe that contributes to the anger and acting out. When I would work with kids in my office, I would tell them:

“Any time you want to take a break, you just let me know and go sit in the other room. That’s fine with me. But understand, when you come back, we still have to deal with this. ”

I would then say:

“If you act out and are angry here, don’t blame me. I gave you an option to take a break.”

Just giving your child that option also gives them the power to exercise it.

By the way, if your child takes a timeout during homework time, they have to make that time up later on. For example, if they’re supposed to be doing an hour of homework at the kitchen table, and they take a timeout for 15 minutes because something bothers them, they have to make up those 15 minutes later.

In the same way, if your child takes a timeout when they’re doing chores, they have to come back and finish their chores.

Get Professional Help for You and Your Teen

If your kid is hostile, angry, and defiant all the time, you may need some professional help to deal with them. If you take them to a therapist, give the therapist six or eight weeks, and if you don’t see any changes in that amount of time, I would look for someone else.

I think it’s also important to get help with your parenting skills. The bottom line is that you need to learn how to effectively parent a child with angry and hostile behavior patterns. The right techniques are very powerful and can get your child on track and can restore peace to your home.

Hostile kids are hostile to everyone: to you, to his teachers, to the cops. You’ve got two options: (1) your child can go to a counselor for an hour every week in the hopes that they’ll learn some coping skills and apply what they’ve learned at home, and (2) you can get the effective parenting skills you need to help create change where it counts. I recommend both, which is why in my practice, I did both. I met with kids, and I met with parents. And I would teach parents the skills to promote change at home.

Be Businesslike and Firm When Confronting Your Child’s Hostility

Let’s say you want to make these changes, but in the meantime, whenever your child comes into the room, they fill the air with a bad attitude. Keep calm and give them direction. Don’t get dragged into a fight.

I wouldn’t ask, “What’s wrong?” I wouldn’t ask about their attitude. I would say:

“All right, it’s four o’clock. You need to go to do your homework now, Jessica.”

Kids will walk around with a contemptuous attitude, and it does affect everybody and everything. But in my opinion, you just keep them focused on the task at hand. If they start making negative comments, say:

“Look, why don’t you go to your room until you’re ready to behave like the rest of us.”

Disconnect When Your Child Has an Angry Outburst

The best way to handle an angry outburst is to say what you have to say and then get out of the discussion. I recommend that you say something like:

“I’m not going to talk to you till you calm down.”

Then disconnect. Turn and leave the room. If your adolescent yells at your back or calls you a name as you’re walking out of the room, don’t respond to them. Don’t argue and don’t turn around. Just keep walking.

If you have to get in your car and drive around the block, then do it as long as there are no small children in the house. But the point is to keep walking. Go to your bedroom and stay there for a few minutes.

The idea is that once they’re in that angry, agitated state, they’re thinking that you’re the enemy, that you don’t understand, and they’re blaming you. They see themselves as the victim, and there’s nothing you can do at that moment to change them. They’re going to think what they’re going to think.

As soon as you extract yourself from the argument, there’s nothing to yell about. Your child may walk around the house shouting for a few more minutes, but they usually quiet down if you don’t respond to it.

Don’t try to talk your child out of his anger. Don’t try to reason with them. When you try to reason, you give your child a feeling of false power and more of a sense that they’re in control, and you’re not.

Related content: Angry Kids: 7 Things Not To Do When Your Child Is Angry

What To Do If You Fear for Your Safety

Parents need to understand that when you disconnect, in some cases, a teen might escalate to the point of being destructive, threatening, and even violent.

In my opinion, if you feel threatened and fear for your safety or the safety of your family, then it’s time to consider calling the police.

Get the police to help you because if your child is behaving this way, they’re out of control. When you call the police, say:

“I don’t feel safe here. My son is out of control.”

No one should feel threatened in their own home. There is no excuse for abuse, and you should not tolerate abuse of any kind.

Your Child and His Feelings

In my experience, the more you ask your child about his feelings, the more your child will simply state his case. Indeed, they’ll scream their case if you let them.

Keep the focus on your child’s behavior. The behavior needs to change before anything. There will be time to discuss feelings once his behavior improves.

I tell parents, your child won’t feel their way to better behavior, but they can behave their way to better feelings.

The truth is, some kids want to appear out of control whether or not they are. Don’t forget, acting–out people get more power by looking like they’re losing control. They control you by acting out of control.

Don’t Accept the Hostile Behavior

If you think you have to accept this type of hostile, defiant, or angry attitude to be loved by your child, that’s called co-dependency. In a co-dependent relationship, you have to fulfill a certain role to be loved. That’s one of its main definitions. The co-dependent spouse of an alcoholic reasons, “You’ll love me as long as I make excuses for your alcoholism.”

With parents of a defiant child, it’s “You’ll love me as long as I put up with your garbage attitude and leave you alone. ”

Parents should try to maintain their dignity and self–respect. Remember, as I said before, kids want to love the people they respect. And they’ll find things to love about you when they respect you. But they won’t respect you if you give in to and accept their hostile behavior.

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Raising a teenager is not an easy task August 26, 2020 at 02:39 pm

Raising a teenager requires respect, closeness, trust and great parental patience.

Parents have to deal with various issues in raising and building new relationships, it would seem with their own or someone else's child.

According to the experience of psychologists, several golden rules have been formulated for building trust, intimacy, openness and mutual respect.

These rules were born through mistakes, awareness, testing in the practice of family counseling, when "difficult, aggressive" (according to parents) teenagers are brought to the appointment. Rule 1 This is now your son (or daughter) 13-16 years old. However, this was not always the case. Once the child was a year, two, three, five .... and further years. And the broken relationship lies THERE. Yes, yes, you heard right - it is there.

Parents often build illusions, it is painful to realize their mistakes. Therefore, do not create illusions that the problems have begun:

- "Just now ...";

- "Last month";

- "EVERYTHING was good before, but here...";

- "Everything is wonderful in our family, but the son... or daughter...";

- "He/she constantly lies to me, but this has never happened before..." etc. It definitely didn't start yesterday. Dig. Sami. Or with a specialist.
Look for early disruptions in your relationships .


Rule 2.

Learn to accept your mistakes.

People are not perfect. There are no ideal ones. Yes, and it makes sense to scold yourself - what will it change?

We all make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up for them. Don't blame. Don't be ashamed. What matters is how we solve (correct) our mistakes. A lot can be corrected. And grown up kids too. However, must start with yourself .

How else can you show your child self-respect? intrinsic value? How, if not through yourself?


Rule 3.

Recognize that your child has grown.

Oh, this is the most difficult thing for many parents.

It still seems to parents that "how can he understand ... he's still small", "there is a lot of ambition, but years old...", etc. A parade of parental stereotypes.

And in fact, it's time to build partnerships relationships. With respect, with dignity, with the value of the opinion of another.
This does not mean that the child should now answer like an adult (he is not yet 18-21 years old), but it means that explanations, taking responsibility for one's words are now becoming more articulate in the family. The teenager participates in some family matters, he is allocated an open role with the right to vote and take into account opinions. All this allows a teenager to feel significant and to master new social skills.
A very important point. The parents of are themselves required to follow this rule.
It's strange, for example, to require a child to wash their hands when all the other members of the family do not wash them.
Is it logical?

Rule 4.

Respect your teen's privacy.

Here parents often stumble on their own childhood experience. Many people weren't given space as children either. Therefore, the main work here is parenting.

Often, what psychologists encounter in their work is the desire to tell a teenager where he/she belongs ("you are a child, and I am a mother" and thereby violate Rule 3 forever), to get into his personal belongings (or even worse, clean them), be persistent with calls, instead of agreeing on the time and frequency of calls (You don’t persecute your boss like that? Or your husband? Or parents? Right? Or do you persecute? If yes, then the question is only for you, the resistance of the child and his you go first to the contact, and then to a trusting relationship - understandable).

Rule 5.

Choose a time to talk.

It doesn't matter if you want to talk about the weather or about his/her progress at school.

Ask if he wants to discuss something?

Often parents do not delve into the emotional world of a teenager, being themselves in the cycle of worries and are content with the answer "normal", without showing enough attention.


Rule 6.

Keep revelations.
Your child can tell something that stirs his soul (children until the last believe that their parents will not betray and ridicule their fantasies, fears, desires, dreams) and it is important to appreciate this. Sincerely. With dignity. Even if the revelations are unpleasant to you.


Rule 7.

Hug.
Support.
Appreciate.
Love.

If you know cases of children being without parental control, please report to the Department of Family Policy and Organization of Social Services of the Department of Social Policy No. 11:

in Sukhoi Log, Yubileynaya St., 15, room 5 , tel. 8(34373) 4-20-70

in Bogdanovich. Sovetskaya st., 3, tel. 8(34376) 5-63-78

Why do teenagers become isolated, lie and be rude - explains psychologist Marina Samoilova - November 28, 2019

What should I do if my teenage child withdraws into himself, constantly sits at the computer or disappears on the phone? We asked these questions to an expert

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This autumn, Novosibirsk was shocked by a series of tragedies with children. In the last month alone, four teenagers have taken their own lives. In early November, a student of one of the schools in the Pervomaisky district died - she was only 11 years old. In October, another girl committed suicide in a school toilet. A few days later, another schoolgirl fell out of a ten-story building. At the end of October, a schoolboy from Berdsk was found dead in the forest.

These tragedies involuntarily make every parent think about how another conflict with a teenager will turn out. And many do not understand what tactics of behavior to choose when dealing with a son or daughter. Under the news about the death of an 11-year-old girl, one of the readers wrote: “I read this and burst into tears. She has a teenage daughter. Secretive has become. It doesn’t even let you see what videos she watches on her smartphone and with whom she texts. I want to help, but I don't know how.

NGS talked to child psychologist Marina Samoilova about what parents should do in the most common conflict situations.

Marina Samoilova believes that the main task of parents is to create the right atmosphere in the family. A child must trust them, but at the same time not forget about respect

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— Parents are very often surprised at how little they know about their children. The most important thing in a relationship with a child is love for him. And you need to love him not when he is 15 years old and you suddenly start teaching him something, but from the very beginning - to build relationships with him, while he is not even talking yet. The general advice when a conflict arises with a teenager is to talk to him correctly. Calmly. Respectfully. Without insults and pokes. Position: you must and must listen to me, because I am here in the documents written down by your mother and I stand with my hands on my hips, it won’t work, says Marina Samoilova.

At the same time, in a conversation, the psychologist still advises to keep a certain age distance.

— There must be a break in communication — half a year. If the child is 10 years old, then you should speak as if you were 10.5 years old. Six months is that small difference that allows you to maintain the necessary vocabulary and respect. Forget about the phrases: “When you grow up, you will understand”, “When you have children, then we will talk. ” This bravado, this pathos will only push the child away from you, - explains the psychologist.

The specialist also advises paying special attention to the child's pages in social networks.

- See the child's social networks. It used to be that if a person wrote about something that was bad for him and threatened to commit suicide, then these were just words, but now everything has changed. And you need to be very serious about what children write and post, - adds Marina Samoilova.

— Small children are often treated at first as infantile fools. "You can't yet, you shouldn't yet." And then suddenly he becomes 13-14 years old, and demands, tasks and insults begin. No wonder he refuses to complete tasks. The child began to walk - he can collect toys himself. How are our parents doing? They collect them themselves. And they do everything themselves, because it is faster, more convenient, and corresponds to some ideas about ideal parents. As a result, the child does not receive the necessary skills.

We now have two important blocks in our upbringing - teaching emotions and norms/rules of behavior. When you try to work with a child and say: “But you feel it.” He usually replies, "I don't understand." He is silent and cannot explain what he felt, what the other person could feel. And this, of course, leads to the fact that he cannot cope with himself.

At the same time, without an explanation from the parents of the norms and rules of behavior, the child does not understand when to stop, how to behave with adults, with peers.

When my parents say to me: “We must negotiate”, I always ask again: “What should you do?” Some things require a different approach - for example, you just take a small child, take him to the theater and explain how to behave, show. He needs to be taught first.

- He does it because you just taught him. When a child, for example, comes home with a torn leg, they usually look at him sternly and begin: “What? And why? Why are you so dirty? Yes, I’m for you, yes, I’m for you . .. ”And insults are used, which in 70% of cases are accompanied by assault. And the child is already afraid. He likes to be nice. For example, he was late for school. What is he doing? Lying: “Mom didn’t prepare or got lost.”

You need to understand that the child was forced to lie - you provoked this as a parent, as a teacher, as a friend. You don't accept him as a person. You must make it clear to the child that he can be honest with you - you will not humiliate him, yes, you will be unhappy, but you will not stop loving him.

And you should never reproach a child for what he has ever told you about problems, conflicts, uncomfortable situations he has found himself in.

- The first explanation for this behavior is the manifesto. The child does not know how to show you that he has grown. He says with such behavior: “I am an adult and decide for myself what to do and how. What are you telling me?" In this case, you should show maximum patience and analyze your behavior - do you give the child the necessary amount of responsibility or do everything for him yourself. Also, this behavior can be a signal. The child does not want to go home - it means that he is uncomfortable there. Step into a mirror and really look at your parenting and parenting practices.

Many parents react nervously to breaking the “curfew”

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whatever he did. All this is solved, and you are near. Sounds like a banality. But this is the banality without which we lose our children. And they go to Uncle Vasya at the entrance, because he will silently listen to this teenager and say: “Yes, he is your parent, we will decide what to do.”

— First of all, you need to come to school. There can be many reasons for this behavior. Talk to the teacher and pay special attention to how she speaks, to her tone, demeanor. Basically, everything comes from the teacher at school and depends on how he will present this or that student. And in most cases, it is necessary to resolve the issue with the teacher. Be sure to look from the outside and at the child - how he dresses, communicates, how he can differ from others. Many people think that it is enough just to take a child to a psychologist, stand in the corridor for five minutes and you can go about your business. And then they'll come back for the baby, and it'll be magical. That doesn't happen. You need to find out why the child became uncomfortable at school. Do not discard the influence of peers. In any case, you need to work with a psychologist.

- This is again a story about the fact that we do not have emotional education. For example, a child woke up for some reason in a bad mood. What am I supposed to do as a mom? First, we find out if something hurts him, maybe he is cold. And then we say: “So, my bunny, you are lying now, and now we are relaxing, smiling. For two minutes. And let's get up." And you pull him out of this negativity, and don’t yell and pull him: “Get up! What are you bitching about."

It is cultivated in our society that the parent is old, so children often think: "What to talk to him, he does not understand anything. " Try to delve into your child's hobbies, show that you are interested in what he lives, but at the same time what you remember about yourself - spend money on your entertainment, beautiful clothes, and so on, then there will be fewer such situations.

- He doesn't trust you. There is a dangerous ideology that before you go to the child, be sure to knock. Like, until you are allowed to enter, you cannot enter. This is absurd. Of course, you don't have to jump in all of a sudden. Call the child - demonstrate that you are heading to his room. And if you have to knock, then during this time the child removes all his little things that you should think about. What is the child doing in the room that he should hide it? He may have secrets, and that's okay, but not to that extent.

It can close because you do things like this: go to his place and see that he is on social networks, and you start to get bored: “What would be useful to do.” You thereby tell him: “Lie to me, lie, and lie to me as confidently as possible.

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