My son doesn t listen
How to Get Kids to (REALLY) Listen: 7 Steps for Success
You’ve asked your child to do something. Very calmly. Very rationally. And very deliberately.
Instead of action, you get the kid equivalent of crickets. Radio silence.
“Maybe they didn’t hear me?” you think. So, you ask again nicely. Firmly, but nicely.
Nothing.
You feel yourself rapidly falling into the familiar cycle of “Repeat. Remind. Repeat. Remind.”
And then it happens–the fuse blows. In a moment of utter defeat, you’re left screaming the same demands you had requested calmly just minutes ago. The energy escalates and everyone is left frustrated and discouraged.
I get it. So do most parents. I’ve been a parenting educator for 15+ years and can say unequivocally that children “not listening” is the most common frustration I hear from moms and dads.
Here’s the thing though, if you want to get a handle on your child’s unresponsiveness, the first thing you need to do is figure out WHY he is NOT listening. More often than not, his lack of response is a SYMPTOM, not the actual problem.
If you don’t address this issue at its roots, you’re sure to see a simple case of “not listening” blossom into bigger behavior issues such as tantrums, defiance, and backtalk.
Why
Don’t Kids Listen?Good question! Why are they tuning you out? Why do you have to repeat something over and over until you find yourself yelling?
(Before we go any further, be sure you’ve ruled out any potential medical condition that could be affecting your child’s hearing or comprehension. If you are confident your child’s ears are fully-functioning, read on.)
Children of all ages–toddler through teens–have a hard-wired need for power. When children don’t have opportunities to exert their power in positive ways–choosing what clothes to wear, making the dinner menu, picking what game to play, etc.–they will exert their power in negative ways.
Because children DO have control over their body and language, the most common (and frustrating) power struggles occur when children use their bodies and language to defy our requests.
By choosing NOT to listen, children can assert their power. This behavior is simply a way children express their need for more control and decision-making ability in their lives.
I’m not suggesting you let them call every shot. However, by implementing a few easy-to-learn positive parenting techniques, you can give your children power within your boundaries. By doing this, cooperation from your children will improve and the dreaded repeat – remind – repeat – remind cycle will come to an end.
Is “Not Listening” Just a Label?
Before we dive into strategies to improve communication with your children, consider this question–What exactly are you referring to when you say your child “doesn’t listen?”
When talking to parents, “not listening” usually ends up being a blanket term that covers a myriad of issues. Because “not listening” is so broad, it can be difficult to find a solution.
I’m not saying there aren’t times when your child is just flat-out ignoring you–that happens! However, more often than not, it’s less about “not listening” and more about some underlying issue.
Is she tired, hungry, or not feeling well? Or, is there some deeper control issue that is causing her to disconnect such as…
Chores?
Homework?
Bedtime?
Sibling frustrations?
Don’t lump every communication shutdown under the “not listening” umbrella. Dig in and discover what’s really going on, then you can make an action plan to specifically address that problem.
Now, if it truly is a classic case of not listening, here are 7 steps you can take to ensure your kids actually hear you.
7 Steps to Get Kids to Listen
1. Get on Their LevelWhen you need your child’s attention, make sure you get her attention–that means eye contact. When you lower yourself down and look her in the eye, you not only verify she sees and hears you, but you strengthen the communication as well.
This means you might have to step away from the laundry or put down the whisk for a minute and step into the other room.
Proximity is key–you’re not talking down to her or barking orders from the other room–you’re speaking with her.
Don’t touch your brother. Don’t run in the hall. Don’t play with your food. Don’t read the next sentence. (See what I did there?)
Negative commands, such as “don’t” and “no” require kids to double process. Kids have to answer two questions:
1) What does she NOT want me to do?
2) What does she want me to do instead?
That’s confusing and contradictory. For example, if you say “Don’t touch your brother,” a child has to stop the current behavior AND determine the appropriate alternative behavior–If I can’t touch him, does that mean I can’t hug him? Can we play tag? Can I give him a high five? Can I help him put on his jacket or tie his shoes if mom asks?
Instead, tell your child what to DO.
Instead of “Don’t touch your brother,” try “Use gentle touches when touching your brother” or “Your brother doesn’t want to be touched right now, so please keep your hands folded while we are in the car.
”
Instead of “Don’t leave your toys all over the floor,” try “Please put your toys in the toy bin.”
Instead of “Don’t run in the hall,” try “Please walk in the hall.”
3. Say YES to YESThink about it for a moment. What is your normal, knee-jerk reaction to the 10,000 requests you get from your child every day? “NO,” right?
When you’re bombarded with requests, it’s difficult to sift through them in a meaningful way, so you just deliver canned responses–“No, not today.” “No, I don’t have time for that.” “No.” “Nope.” “Nada.”
But when “no” is your constant go-to answer, it’s no wonder kids stop listening to YOUR requests! Look for reasons to say yes more often. Your “yes” answers will begin to surprise and delight your child and have them paying more attention when you ask for something!
Instead of “No we can’t go to the park,” try “The park sounds awesome! Should we go Friday after school or Saturday morning?”
Instead of “No, you can’t have ice cream” try “Ice cream is delicious! Would you like to have it for dessert on Saturday or Sunday evening?”
While there will still be situations that require a hard “no,” by offering more “yeses” you’ll increase the chances your kid will tune you back in.
Oh boy, I was as guilty of this as anyone. Parents, and especially moms, tend to turn a five-second answer into a five-minute dissertation!
There’s a saying in the sales industry, “never sell with blah-blah what you can sell with blah.” I think it makes sense in parenting too. When trying to get your kid’s attention, be as concise as possible and they won’t even have time to tune you out!
5. Say Thank You in AdvanceHelp your kids make an appropriate choice by taking this leap of faith. Your preemptive “Thank you for hanging up your towel after your shower,” will encourage your kids toward good behavior much more than, “I better not see your towel on the floor again!”
People, and yes, even children, will usually live up to our expectations if we manage them in a positive way. Letting them know, in advance, that you trust them to do the right thing will cultivate open communication lines and increase the likelihood the task will get completed.
A simple way to ensure your child has heard you and that she understands is to ask her to repeat back what you said.
In the medical field, studies have shown that 40-80% of the information doctors relay to patients is either forgotten completely or misunderstood (and keep in mind, these are ADULTS we are talking about, not just children).
To combat this misunderstanding, doctors have begun using the teach-back method which calls on patients to “teach back” to the doctor what treatment instructions they were just given. This method has been shown to drastically increase information retention from patients.
The same tool can be used effectively with children. Once you’ve made eye contact, shortened your speech, and clearly explained what you need your child to do, calmly ask your child to repeat back what they’ve just heard.
By ensuring everyone is on the same page, you will see an instant improvement in communication and cooperation in your home.
7. Make an Observation
If you see a task that’s been left undone, don’t dive in with a big reprimand, just make an OBSERVATION: “I see a jacket on the floor,” or you can ask, “What is your plan for taking care of the trash today?”
“What is your plan for?” is one of my favorite strategies to avoid power struggles. It’s empowering because it’s assumptive on your part that they have a plan–and gives your child an opportunity to save face and quickly come up with a plan in the moment if they didn’t already have one!
“Oh yeah! I was planning on taking out the trash right after I finish my lunch.” This gives you the chance to put a positive parenting empowerment spin on the whole conversation! “That’s awesome–I really appreciate your help, buddy.”
Final Thoughts
Remember that “not listening” should always be a wakeup call for us. While it might seem like defiance or inattention on their part–it is more than likely a way to get our attention or express their need for power.
Kids and adults alike have a need to be seen and heard. When this need isn’t met, kids will stop listening to us. It may sound counterintuitive, but CLEARLY it works since it’s the number one complaint parents share!
If power struggles like not listening are creating stress in your family, I’d love to walk you through our step-by-step road map for parenting toddlers to teens. I love to help parents solve this issue and have helped thousands of families just like yours.
If you’re not quite ready to jump in, at least join me for a FREE ONLINE CLASS.
I’ll teach you more strategies to get your kids to LISTEN without nagging, reminding, or yelling and you’ll start feeling relief within days!
As always, happy parenting! We’re here for you!
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Register for my FREE 60-Minute Class:Register for my free class called How to Get Kids to Listen, Without Nagging, Yelling or Losing Control. Classes run several times per week but I recommend you register early, as spaces are limited.
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About the Author
Nationally recognized parenting expert Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions® and the best-selling author of The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic - A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World and If I Have to Tell You One More Time…The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling. As a “recovering yeller” and a Certified Positive Discipline Instructor, Amy is a champion of positive parenting techniques for happier families and well-behaved kids.
Amy is a TODAY Show contributor and has been featured on The Doctors, CBS This Morning, CNN, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, Rachael Ray, Steve Harvey & others. In her most important role, she is the proud mom of two amazing young men.
My Child Doesn't Listen! ADHD / ADD Behavior Fixes for Kids
At your wit’s end because your child doesn’t listen? To rein in rebellious, impulsive children without creating a power struggle or driving themselves crazy, parents must be patient, persistent, and creative in responding to resistance — ADHD discipline is not for the faint of heart.
Here are five common discipline problems faced by parents of children with ADHD — and solutions for each of them.
1. “My child absolutely refuses to do as he is told.”
Sometimes parents and kids get into a pattern in which daily tasks (doing homework or getting ready for bed) provoke battles. In most cases, the child eventually complies, but the conflict leaves everyone upset.
The best long-term solution? Setting up routines.
For example, parents must establish and enforce — calmly but firmly — regular study times for each child.
It may take weeks, or even months, until the child with ADHD accepts these routines and follows them consistently. No matter how long it takes, don’t give up. And don’t let yourself be drawn into needless conflict with your child. When tempers flare, the parent must remain calm and maintain control of the situation.
[Free Parent Resource: ADHD Discipline Strategies]
2. “My kid doesn’t care about consequences.”
Whether it’s withholding TV privileges, or refusing to let your child attend a party, consequences are most effective when they’re imposed as soon as possible after an infraction. If you delay the imposition of consequences, you’re blunting their emotional impact.
Sometimes consequences that were once effective stop being effective after they’ve been used for a while. As with many other things involving ADHD, repetition leads to boredom.
Devise a variety of consequences and vary them from time to time.
Consequences should have time limits: long enough to teach a lesson but short enough to give the child a chance to move on to more positive things. The punishment should fit the crime. Overly harsh consequences will encourage your child to resent your rules and your authority — and will generate more anger and rebelliousness.
3. “I can’t believe anything my child tells me.”
All children lie sometimes. The lying may be mild (“No, I didn’t take my sister’s CD”) or it could be a cover-up for chronic problems (“No, the teacher didn’t give us any homework today”). Lying is especially worrisome when it involves issues of health and safety (“Empty beer cans in the basement? What empty beer cans?”).
[Read: The Truth About Your Child’s Lying]
For children with ADHD, lying is often a coping mechanism, albeit a counterproductive one. A lie may be a way to cover up forgetfulness, to avoid criticism or punishment, or to avoid dealing with feelings of guilt and shame over repeated failures.
The first step in dealing with chronic dishonesty is to find the reasons that underlie it. If your child lies to avoid consequences for irresponsible behavior, for example, you must monitor those behaviors more closely and discipline any act of deception. If he lies in order to cover up failure and shame, encourage your child to be honest — and reassure him that mistakes are learning opportunities, not reflections of his character or abilities. Many children (and adults) with ADHD suffer from debilitating shame because they wrongfully feel they should be able to control and correct symptoms associated with ADHD through sheer determination; remind your child that ADHD is a neurological condition and that you’re working together to manage it.
4. “My child doesn’t take me seriously.”
Why doesn’t your child show respect for you or your rules? Are the rules clear to the child? Important rules should be put in writing.
Does the child not accept the rules because she considers them unfair? If your child did not participate in the creation and definition of the rules, that is a problem.
Without securing their buy-in at the outset, you cannot expect full participation from your child. In this case, the rules need a new round of collaborative, open discussion.
If you want your child to respect the rules, enforce them consistently. That means not “forgetting about” the rules or occasionally suspending them because you feel guilty or because your child (or spouse) pressures you to do so. If you bluff or make empty threats, you’re sacrificing your credibility and weakening your authority as a parent.
5. “My child overreacts to nearly everything.”
Heightened emotionality is a characteristic of ADHD. For kids with attention deficit disorder, failure doesn’t merely discourage, it devastates. While most children protest a bit about being disciplined, kids with ADHD often react with intense indignation and anger. This may be a sign they are experiencing the common ADHD symptom of rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes real (and perceived) criticism cut like a knife.
Keep in mind that it is rarely healthy or productive to discipline a child in the throes of an amygdala hijack. Wait for the storm of emotions to pass before calmly, kindly addressing a problem with your child. She will be able to hear you more clearly and will feel less defensive and personally attacked once she’s had a chance to settle down.
Also keep in mind that chronic overreaction to discipline — particularly when intense feelings of anger or frustration are involved — may not be due to ADHD alone. Is the child overreacting because she feels criticized? Unloved? Inadequate? Helpless? Overwhelmed? Are your expectations too high?
6. “My kid won’t listen to me!”
Is there a parent anywhere who has not tried to have a serious conversation with a child — only to be met with indifference (“Who are you and why are you bothering me with this stuff?”)? If such a conversation involves discipline, your message isn’t getting through.
If your child tunes you out on a regular basis, do a self-check.
Have you become too negative or critical? Do you focus too much on problems and not enough on solutions? Have your conversations become lectures, instead of give-and-take? Does the child feel left out of the decision-making process?
No matter what your child’s age, you can involve him in the process of establishing rules and consequences for breaking them. A child who is included in setting the family rules is more likely to respect them.
[Free Resource: Your Free 13-Step Guide to Raising a Child with ADHD]
Peter Jaksa, Ph.D., is a member of the ADDitude ADHD Medical Review Panel.
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What to do if a child does not obey his parents
Komsomolskaya Pravda
Dom.
FamilyMom and babyMom and baby: Education and development
Natalia ANDREASSEN
November 16, 2018 2:04
Ways that allow you to get your child to listen to you without threats and shouting
Does the child seem not to hear you? Maybe you just don't know how to talk to him. Photo: photo bank Lori
You've already jumped out of your skin, and your dear child still doesn't want to sit down for lessons, eat porridge or put away toys. There is no strength to persuasion, grabbing a belt or yelling is non-pedagogical ... How to make a child obey you? Advice is given by our expert - family and child psychologist, mother of three children Regina BESEDA .
1. Stop and think
- Before you make any movements towards the child, pause and think: what exactly do you not like right now? Turn emotions into words, clearly formulate a thought before starting a conversation.
- And if you still shout?
- When we speak in raised tones, information rarely reaches the addressee.
There is such an expression in psychology - "ears are turned off." And vice versa, the protection system turns on: the child begins to resist or pretend that he does not hear us at all. nine0004
2. Talk eye to eye
- You want your child to see your face. Clearly, with calm articulation, say what you want from him.
- Isn't it possible to talk without looking up, for example, from the stove?
- Everyone appreciates attention. If we adults talk with our backs to each other, that would be disrespectful, wouldn't it? Likewise, when you turn to a child, you show: yes, I have time for you. Then the child will not miss your requests and comments. nine0004
3. Do without "can't"
- We often use these words: "Don't do it! It is forbidden!" But there is a simple exercise for parents. Close your eyes right now and imagine an elephant. See? Now imagine the “not” particle. How does she look? Letters? But before you is a child who cannot read.
And does not know any letters! He thinks in pictures. Therefore, when we say "elephant", the child sees an elephant. And when we say "don't do ..." - the child omits the particle "not" and hears everything else. "Don't scream," he screams. "Don't run" - he runs. nine0004
What to do? Instead of "can't" say "can", explaining what needs to be done in a particular situation. For example, your child ran across the street. Do not shout “no!”, but say: “You can only cross with your mother.” The child will remember this wording and will do so.
- And if he still does not respond?
- Alas, most often adults talk to a child either with orders (“Hush! Get up! Done!”) or with excessively frequent requests (“Speak more quietly, please”). But after all, you can respond to a request in different ways. And the child has the right to refuse to comply with it. If we ask the baby for something in a conflict situation, it should definitely not be a request. But it is not an order either - a rigid form of communication that violates personal boundaries.
nine0004
- What to choose?
- Instructions. Instead of "do not run up the stairs - you will fall" we say "they walk calmly up the stairs." And the child will automatically do it. If you repeat the threat “you will fall on the stairs”, the child will fix this and will certainly fall ...
Psychologist Regina Beseda is a mother of three children herself. Photo: vk.com
in a fit of anger, the parents say to the child: “Vasya, finally put your toys away!” - starting with a name. Forget about this form! Why? Because a person should treat his name not as a punishment, but as an encouragement. Address somehow differently: "Baby, it's time to put away the toys, they want to go to the house." nine0004 But if you want to praise, use the name: “Yes, Vasya, you did a great job, you did it!” And fix your attention on this, finishing the discussion of the problem. And don't say: "Do you remember, you were afraid..." 5. Prohibition on blackmail - Many people like phrases like "if you don't bring me slippers, I'll be offended by you. IMPORTANT! When to punish... Up to 2 years punishments are generally inappropriate. At this age, the child does everything that the adult tells him. It is enough to slightly change the intonation - and the baby will understand that he did something wrong. If up to 2 years the period is lived quietly, then, as a rule, parents do not encounter either aggression or tantrums of the child. And if this happens, it means that he either starts to get sick, or has not had enough sleep. nine0004 From 2 to 3 years old - the age when the child just shakes the rights. The main thing here is the wisdom of parents: we monitor our speech speed, intonation - and the child will do what you ask him to do. From 3 to 5 years - at this age it's time to teach your baby to live by the rules. If you indulge a child in everything, he will grow up to be an egoist. Therefore, he must have some responsibilities. Say, put on your own boots. It's important that things work out. Therefore, let the shoes be not with laces, but with Velcro. nine0004 From 5 to 8 years - if the relationship with a child at this age is in crisis, you need to contact a psychologist, because he has already formed traditions and habits. And we need to understand where they came from. ...and encourage? ! A purchase cannot be an incentive. In order for a child to develop normally, feeling needed and loved, he must be stroked and caressed at least 8 times a day. But we can’t buy 8 cars or dolls a day! And remember: when a child has everything, he stops dreaming. nine0004 ! Encouragement should be intellectual, reinforcing the child’s self-confidence: “What a good fellow, that you came up with this, how great you did it!” ! Your attention, which the child appreciates more than gifts, will also be a form of encouragement. USEFUL EXERCISE We train and switch attention Is the child distracted? You have to train your attention. For example, an adult offers a game on the street: name everything yellow that you see around. And the child learns to focus only on yellow: a car, a passer-by's clothes, leaves... Such training also helps in conflict situations. When we say, for example: let's see which eye you have more tears - from the right or from the left? The child switches: is it true, from which one? And now he doesn't cry anymore. nine0004 Age category of the site 18+ The online publication (website) is registered by Roskomnadzor, certificate El No. EDITOR-IN-CHIEF OF THE SITE - KANSK VICTOR FYODOROVICH. THE AUTHOR OF THE MODERN VERSION OF THE EDITION IS SUNGORKIN VLADIMIR NIKOLAEVICH. Messages and comments from site readers are posted without preliminary editing. The editors reserve the right to remove them from the site or edit them if the specified messages and comments are an abuse of freedom mass media or violation of other requirements of the law. nine0004 EDITORIAL AND REGIONAL ISSUE PUBLISHER "MODERN MEDIA" LLC. Address: 241050, Bryansk, st. Fokina, 108a. PHONES: director - (4832) 30-90-35, editorial office - (4832) 30-90-37, advertising - (4832) 30-90-36. General Director - V.V. Kiselev, Editor of KP-Bryansk - V. V. Kiselev, E-mail: [email protected] Exclusive rights to materials posted on the website www.kp.ru, in accordance with the legislation of the Russian Federation for the Protection of the Results of Intellectual Activity belong to JSC Publishing House Komsomolskaya Pravda, and do not be used by others in any way form without the written permission of the copyright holder. Acquisition of copyrights and communication with the editors: [email protected] The idea that a child should obey me seems to me as absurd as the idea of obedience by an elderly person. Why should a person listen to me? I don't listen to anyone. Two main mistakes A child is a person The child is not property Obedience is ineffective Understand to be understood Stephen Covey in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People describes the fifth habit with the words: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” What did you say to her?! The main thing is trust How to gain respect? 
" But such phrases indicate that we do not love our child with unconditional love. And if we do not want our children to blackmail us in this way when they grow up (“if you don’t buy a new phone, I’ll leave home”), don’t set a bad example. nine0004 
There will be nothing to punish. 
Say, for half an hour a day, you and your child read, lie on the floor on pillows, or walk. Or are you talking: how do dolls live? Or how are things in the garage? Maybe the cars should be taken to the car wash - to the bathroom? And the child will be grateful for such high-quality communication. nine0004 
FS77-80505 dated March 15, 2021. 
nine0004 Why does the child not listen to me and does not hear? – Teacher's newspaper
The first mistake is that parents perceive their children as children. And they are not children, they are people. Every child rightly perceives himself as a person. In the word "child" there is an indication of inferiority: a child is, as it were, a subhuman. This is especially evident in the legal synonym for the concept of "child" - "minor". nine0158 There are two extremes. One was characteristic of past centuries: the attitude to the child as to an adult. It used to be that a child is an adult, only temporarily small in size. In our time, there is another extreme: treating children as aliens who are completely different from adults.
Child psychology, pediatrics, juvenile justice... Children today are more isolated from society than in primitive tribes before initiation.
The truth, as always, is in the middle. The child has quite definite physiological differences from adults at different ages, with all the ensuing legal, medical and economic consequences. But in the space of human relations, age-related physiology essentially does not change anything, but gives relations only a small specificity. Talking to a five-year-old and a fifty-year-old person usually has to be done in different ways. But, in essence, in both cases, I just communicate with the person. And sometimes a conversation with a five-year-old is more interesting than with a fifty-year-old person. nine0004
The second mistake is that parents perceive their children as their own. They say: "My child." My property. “Why is my child not listening to me?” Because he is not a child and certainly not yours.
This is a man. This is another person, separate from you, a stranger to you.
One must treat one's children simply as neighbors. You need to try to be as scrupulous, tactful and delicate as in dealing with unfamiliar people. nine0004
And one more important point. Obedience has been both the goal and the means of education for thousands of years. But over the past hundred years, human society and upbringing have changed dramatically along with it. Today, the purpose of education is self-determination and self-realization of the child.
Portrait of a graduate of a basic school from the Federal State Educational Standard: loving, knowing, respecting, aware, accepting, knowing, able, capable, active, oriented, understanding. And not a word about obedience. The modern child should not be obedient. The world is changing so rapidly these days that obedience is no longer an adaptive strategy. nine0158 The child does not obey you, because he is a modern person separate from you.
Inefficient people strive first to be understood, and then they start yelling and indignant that no one perceives their clever words.
One story from my practice illustrates the importance and effectiveness of this skill. nine0004
I worked in a social shelter for minors as a teacher-psychologist. Once I was called by the deputy director for educational and rehabilitation work and described the situation. A 17-year-old girl who does not want to live with her father and wants to go to an orphanage has been in the primary admission department for a week now. There are no grounds for deprivation of parental rights, so it is better for the child to return home as soon as possible and improve relations with his father.
During the week, the girl was explained the expediency of returning home many times, by all employees, including the deputy director. But the child stood his ground: “I will live in an orphanage. I will not return home." She didn't listen to anyone. I was given the task of convincing the girl to return home. nine0158 I invited the child to the office and for two hours I tried to understand: “What conditions do you live in? Why don't you want to live with your father? What are your plans for life? I had only one goal - to understand. I listened and asked. At the first meeting, I never tried to be understood, did not give a single piece of advice, did not reproach the child for anything, did not evaluate her decisions and actions. Just listen and understand. And I understood.
The next day, an employee of the department where the girl was staying asked about the progress with this pupil. I replied that the child would go to an orphanage. My colleague flared up:
– What the hell is an orphanage?! She is 17 years old, Kirill Evgenievich!
I applied the same fifth habit of highly effective people to a colleague: “First seek to understand, then to be understood.
” I heard and understood.
Then he invited the child into the office again and said:
– I have bad news for you: you will not go to the orphanage under any circumstances.
- Why?
- Because you are 17 years old. In nine months you will be 18, you will be an adult. Children live in orphanages until the age of 18. The procedure for deprivation of parental rights lasts 6-12 months. Usually, the guardianship authority waits for information from our shelter for a couple of months. If we cannot settle the matter, then they begin to understand the situation themselves and for a couple of months prepare an application and documents to the court for deprivation of parental rights. The court considers the case for about 3-6 months. Further, the Ministry of Social Policy can issue a ticket to an orphanage for 1-2 months. Because after 9months you will become an adult, no one will even begin this procedure. Moreover, there are no grounds for deprivation of parental rights in the terms of Article 69 of the Family Code.
- What should I do?
- Let's think. There are several options, each with its own consequences, its pros and cons. The first is to stay here, and when you turn 18, we will put you on the street. Second: to return home and improve relations with his father, endure. Third: return home, enter a technical school with a hostel and move there. Fourth: return home and move to live with relatives. What you choose? What solution do you think is the best? nine0158 - First you need to return home.
– Yes, I also think that staying here is the worst option. Here is a pen and paper. Write an application addressed to the director of the shelter with a request to return home.
The next day, the father came and took his daughter.
My colleagues for a week could not achieve anything, the child did not listen to them. It took me only one day and two meetings with the child for him to hear me.
The deputy director, seeing the statement from the child, asked:
- Kirill Evgenievich, what did you tell her? nine0158 - I said that under no circumstances would she end up in an orphanage.
On the face of my leader I saw bewilderment and distrust, expressing: "For a whole week everyone was just saying this to her."
It's not about what I told her. And not in the way I said. The thing is, I did it before. Before that, I listened.
First seek to understand, then to be understood. It's in that order. If you change the order, then the scheme stops working. If you want to be understood and heard, shut up and listen. nine0158 The child listened to me, asked questions and asked for advice. Because before that I listened to the child, asked questions and was interested in his opinion. The right to be heard must be earned.
The scheme is simple: first strive to understand, then to be understood; listen first, then speak. The technique is also simple. There are many books that teach how to listen, how to ask questions, how to speak, how to persuade.
But technology by itself does not work. The main contribution we make to any relationship is not our words or even our actions.
The main contribution is our essence. Sincere interest in another person, empathy, patience, wisdom - these are not techniques, these are personality traits. nine0158 The use of techniques without a sincere desire to help a neighbor is perceived by the interlocutor as manipulation, duplicity. This evokes a defensive reaction, not trust.
To influence a person, you need to earn trust. To earn a person's trust, you need to be open to his influence. To open up to the influence of another person, one needs the integrity of the individual, confidence in the correctness of one's worldview, the strength and courage to change one's worldview under the influence of the interlocutor.
Openness to other people's influence makes us vulnerable. But this is the only way to influence others. nine0158 One of the pillars of education is a personal example. I am open to the influence of the child. In response, the child follows my example: opens to my influence.
Do you hear your child? If you do not listen and do not hear, then how will he learn this?
We usually hardly hear or listen to anyone.
But there are a select few for whom we make an exception. They say about such people: "They listen to this person." This is how authoritative people are characterized, respected by those who listen to them. nine0158 To be listened to, we need to gain respect.
Many parents believe that respect from their children is given by default. Teachers and adults in general often think the same way. Children have a different opinion. There is a great 2006 film directed by Richard La Gravenese about the Freedom Writers school. This film shows the true story of American teacher Erin Gruwell. One of the students said to her:
“Why should I respect you? Because you are my teacher? I do not know you. How do I know you're not lying? How do I know that you are a good person? I'm not going to respect you just because you're called a teacher." nine0158 The very question "Why can't the child hear me?" implies that the child should hear by default. If the parent thought differently, then he would formulate the question differently: “What do I need to do to win respect? What kind of person do I have to be for a child to listen to me?
To begin with, you need to set the following goal: to become an authority in the eyes of the child.
