Miss an old friend
I Miss My Old Friend But I Don't Want Her Back In My Life
I Miss My Old Friend But I Don't Want Her Back In My Life
Midlife
by Grown and Flown | October 23, 2019
I met a girl in high school in the locker room. We’d just entered our freshman year and she was fixing her hair in front of a mirror that hung on a concrete wall.
I hated gym class. I hated changing. I hated getting sweaty. I hated how frizzy a game of volleyball or basketball made my hair. I walked by her and smiled at her reflection. I liked the way she smelled and was jealous of her non-frizzy hair.
“I hate how I look after gym class,” she said. “I might as well not even bother getting ready until after class.”
She looked beautiful to me and I told her so.
That was day one of our almost thirty-year friendship.
As my friend and I got older, we hit a fork in the road. (twenty20 @jordvdz)We’d spend the night at each other’s houses and walk along the aisles of drug stores sampling the eyeliner and perfume. I was always the one to ask her to do stuff, and I was fine with that arrangement. I figured that one day she’d start to take the initiative.
It never happened and I ignored it, burying my hurt feelings and being happy for the time spent at the beach, flipping through magazines, or sleeping in the tent in the back of her house.
She’d blow me off for her latest boyfriend, or cancel plans at the last minute saying she forgotten or was too tired.
Through high school and college, we drifted in and out of each other’s lives and we were always able to pick up where we left off. Deep down it hurt to know that if I wanted to see her I had to do the asking, pursing or shuffling of plans to make it happen.
But then she’d say something like, “Thank you for asking me to do this. I didn’t realize how much I needed to spend time with you.”
She’d always leave saying she’d call, but she never would.
She come see me at the drop of a hat if I needed her though— if something traumatic happened in my life like a break-up, she was the first to arrive.
She also came running to help when I bought my first house, had my first baby, and the time I had surgery and was bedridden for a few days.
My friend was a good friend when she felt she was needed or there was space for her to help. But without that need for her to be there to fix something, it felt like I didn’t have a place in her life.
As we aged and had kids we hit a fork in the road.
She was busy. So was I. For a long time, I was fine with only seeing her if I asked her to do something, always hoping she wouldn’t cancel which she often did. The hurt dissolved. Probably because I was too tired and busy focusing on my family to make room for these feelings.
When we did spend time together, I began to feel like dead hair washing down a drain. She’d talk about how crazy her life was and how she was sorry we didn’t spend more time together.
One afternoon while eating bread sticks and drinking wine we sat exchanging updates on our lives. While listening to the reasons why she was only able to see me a few times a year despite living six miles apart, the self- pity I used to feel, wishing things were different between us, vanished.
I wondered why I always put in so much effort to see her when clearly, by her cancellations and lack of reciprocal invitations, spending time with me wasn’t very important to her at all.
So, I stopped reaching out. I haven’t seen her in almost two years.
I miss my friend. We grew up together. We got married in the same year. We had babies at the same time. We’ve eaten platters of nachos together. We send the occasional text and she still says she’ll call so we can make plans to get together.
But I feel better now she’s not in my life.
It’s not a good feeling to put yourself out there in the hope that someone will say yes to you for years and years. Chasing friendship is exhausting and letting go of this one has been the gateway to a few beautiful new friendships where we all put in equal effort.
I’m not saying I keep score when it comes to my friends. I’m saying I pay attention to the way they make me feel.
You can miss a person, but not want to be friends with them any longer.
Everyone changes with each new chapter of their lives and sometimes it’s okay not to invite everyone to come along with you.
The author of this post wishes to remain anonymous.
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About Grown and Flown
Mary Dell Harrington and Lisa (Endlich) Heffernan are the co-founders of Grown and Flown the #1 site for parents of teens, college students and young adults, reaching millions of parents every month. They are writers (Lisa is a New York Times bestselling author), moms, wives and friends. They started the Grown and Flown Parents Facebook Group and are co-authors of Grown and Flown: How to Support Your Teen, Stay Close as a Family, and Raise Independent Adults (Flatiron Books) now in paperback.
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Missing a friend you've fallen out with? Here's how to restore a relationship
If you have found yourself spending a lot of time reflecting during this coronavirus pandemic, you are not alone.
In fact, moments of reflection or contemplation are very normal responses to any significant event you go through, including something like COVID-19.
Psychologists say all that time we have spent cooped up has created a lot more space and time for thinking — but that is not necessarily a bad thing.
"Reflection is one of the things that is a positive by-product of us all being a bit isolated and having more time to ourselves, more time to think," clinical psychologist Nicola Palfrey from the Australian National University said.
"And, this space we have now means that those niggles that are easy to push down when we've got more going on, come to the surface."
For many, those "niggles" take them down the road of past relationships; oftentimes, it is to friendships that have broken down, and people who are still missed.
So why is that the case?
"People often do reflect on past relationships and friendships when something significant happens in their life," Vivienne Lewis, Assistant Professor in Psychology at the University of Canberra said.
"It could be the death of a loved one, moving interstate or changing career … that makes people start to reflect on who they've been close to, and who they could connect with at that time.
"Now, because of COVID, we've been isolated from our friends, and grieving through the loss of a whole pile of things — loss of freedom, or job loss, or loss of connection.
"It's this loss of social connection that naturally makes us reminisce about past relationships which might have ruptured, which we might still be grieving."
Special friendships can date as far back as primary school.(ABC Local: Blythe Moore)Indeed, the pain of having a friendship break down is well-documented; it has been likened to a romantic break-up, to having a limb cut off, or even to experiencing a death, hence the notion of grieving.
When thinking about why friendships are such a special, fundamental relationships, Dr Palfrey said it was because friends filled a hole others often could not.
"We already know the importance of connection for our mental health and wellbeing," she said.
"Friendships offer a perspective on your life that other relationships don't — your friends know you in a different way to your mum or brother or partner."
A friend is, after all, the person you are more likely to seek solace from after saying something silly on a Zoom meeting, or giggle with after binge-watching several episodes of your favourite TV show.
"Shared history is another big thing," Dr Palfrey said.
"Friends can help you get back in touch with another side of you — if you've lost some of your spunk, a friend can remind you that you used to be feisty. It's often a friend you call when you're absolutely done.
"It's a distinct relationship that can be quite formative."
So if your mind keeps wandering to that friend you've lost touch with, or to a friendship which has broken down, how should you reach out?
Read our full coverage of the coronavirus pandemic
What to do if you need to apologise to a friend
One of the hardest relationships to mend can be one where you know, deep down, that you were responsible for the fracture.
It requires a bit of humility, a bit of patience, and a bit of bravery.
But whether it was a bad word spoken, a pattern of taking someone for granted or a fight over a love interest, Dr Palfrey has some wise advice.
"The first thing to mention is that you don't want to get stuck in beating yourself up," she said.
"Perseverating on something bad you've done in the past is not a good use of your time.
"There are relationships that wax and wane over time, that happens to all of us.
"If your friendship has fallen off in a natural way, that's not necessarily a big deal. But if it's bothering you, you miss them, or if you don't like how it ended, if you want to restore or repair, that's where there might be some benefit in reaching out."
If you feel bad about your role in a friendship breakdown, try not to dwell on it.(Pexels: Kat Jayne)If you feel like you need to apologise for something that happened during your friendship, both Dr Palfrey and Dr Lewis suggest an initial sounding out of your friend to see if they are willing to talk with you.
That means no cold calling to blurt an apology out over the phone, no matter how well you have rehearsed what you want to say.
"Most of the time, when you've had a rupture in a relationship, the best way to mend that rupture is to reach out slowly," Dr Lewis said.
"Sometimes we were ready to repair, but we don't know if the other person is. We don't know what everyone else is going through, and we can't assume the other person is in a good place.
"Send a text or an email first, saying you'd like to chat. Give them the opportunity to think about their response."
If your friend does agree to talk with you, it is always best to try and apologise in person. But, if coronavirus restrictions mean that is not possible for you right now, Dr Lewis said chatting over the phone or by video call would work too.
"With things like email or text, often people will fire something back which may not be very thoughtful, and it's a little less personal," Dr Lewis said.
"In person, people are more likely to be able to communicate more effectively. You can gauge their response, you can hear it or see it, whereas in an email you don't get that."
Make sure you check your motivations
When it's possible again, meeting up to reconnect over a coffee or a cocktail is always a good idea.(Supplied)When you apologise, it is important to do so without expectation.
"You need to take ownership and responsibility for your place in what happened," Dr Palfrey said.
"Don't say 'I'm sorry, but …' — don't make it conditional. You have to be willing to own your stuff, and aware that you might not get the same back.
"Part of the notion is being willing to offer an apology, and accepting that that's enough.
"You need to check yourself a little bit — if you're trying to get an apology out of them, or trying to prove you're right, rethink getting back in touch."
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Dr Lewis said that you should also be wary if guilt was your sole motivation for reaching out.
"Are you doing it to feel better for yourself, or to make someone else heal?" she asked.
"For all of us, we can feel an enormous amount of guilt when we've done things or hurt people. Often apologising or reaching out is a way to resolve your guilt. But that is about you.
"Sometimes you actually have to live with that guilt, so you have to assess what you're trying to achieve by apologising or reaching out to that person, and if it will be constructive for them."
If you realise you don't have the best motivations for reconnecting with your friend but your mind keeps coming back to the break down, there are some things you can do.
Dr Palfrey suggested sitting with the situation for a little while "if you think there's stuff that needs to be said but you can't do it in a way that is productive at the moment".
"Wait, and try reaching out again in a little bit when you're feeling a bit better about it," she said.
Or course, seeing a psychologist can be helpful; you can also try writing a letter you will never send.
"Write about how you feel, acknowledge what you've done, say it was a mistake, that you feel bad, you wish you hadn't done it, you're sorry," suggested Dr Lewis.
"You could also write a response back to yourself, as a way of healing.
"You may never get that forgiveness from someone else, but you can give it to yourself."
It sounds cliched, but writing a letter to yourself can be very theraputic.(Pexels)When you've simply lost touch
But what if there was no bust up, no dramatic story to tell, and the friend you keep thinking of is a friend you have just drifted away from?
Well, this is the easiest kind of relationship to restore.
"Online platforms give us much more access to people whose friendships have been in the past," Dr Lewis said.
"You can usually find them on Facebook or through another friend, and that's a perfect way to do it.
"Once you've made that contact — 'Hey, how are you going? Been thinking about you, I miss you' — then you can go deeper.
"
Adds Dr Palfrey: "People are usually happy to hear from a blast from the past! Telling someone they've been on your mind is a nice introduction".
And, if it is you who is being reached out to, don't be surprised that someone wants to reconnect with you.
Take your time to digest the text or email — especially if it is addressing something that has hurt you in the past — and don't feel pressured to respond right away.
"People often question why they have been made contact with, but clearly they thought you were important enough to reconnect with you," said Dr Lewis.
"You are valuable, important, special in their life, and that a wonderful thing to realise."
What you need to know about coronavirus:
- The symptoms
- The number of cases in Australia
- Tracking Australia's vaccine rollout
- Global cases, deaths and testing rates
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Posted , updated
I fucking miss my former friend.
I fucking miss...
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Guest
the old one just wanted to fuck you.
his whole friendship with you is an imperceptible crawl towards your genitals. probably, he decided or you let him know that nothing shines for him in this direction. so he dumped you
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JUITER JURAND WITH WITH
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A friend drinks a lot
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I really miss the former, for several years ((
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now I hope that he will appear in my life again, when I see him in my classmates he’s online, I hope he will write to me, but he doesn’t write ((it’s already a shame to talk about this, what a fool .
... once she even wrote, congratulated him on his birthday, and he only answered thanks .. i.e. it is clear that he does not need me, but still he does not give me rest ((((( aaaaaaaaaaa
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But then everything passes, remember
everything that is done for the better, then he is not your person, yours will not leave you.
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By the way, the best love spell is through a quality blowjob.
But you will also have to update regularly every month.
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Major
Never again will I drink tea offered by a woman. through a quality blowjob. But you will also have to update regularly every month.
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Major
Never again will I drink tea offered by a woman.)))))))))))) By the way, the best love spell is through a quality blowjob. But you will also have to update regularly every month.
A sleeping man can be easily bewitched too.
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Daughter
Major
Never again will I drink tea offered by a woman.
)))))))))))) By the way, the best love spell is through a quality blowjob. But you will also have to update regularly every month. nine0003
You will laugh, but if you think or whisper the right words during this case, you can also bewitch) A sleeping man can be bewitched too.
#17 - through a quality blowjob. But you will also have to update regularly every month.
You will laugh, but if you think or whisper the right words during this case, you can also bewitch) A sleeping man is easy to bewitch too. The necessary words are apparently "Marry or bite!" nine0003
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Major
I will never drink tea offered by a woman.
))))))))))))) )))))))) By the way, the best love spell - through a quality blowjob. But you will also have to update regularly every month.
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Insidious
Oh, girls, I feel sorry for you! If you have already met a loved one, then bewitch to yourself. Now there will be some yelling and laughing, but I'm writing anonymously, so don't care. A few drops of your blood (from there, ahem-ahem) into his tea and the guy will be yours without a statute of limitations. Tried it twice, it always worked. One has been missing me for 5 years, got married, divorced, even now down the aisle. The second - then I got bored, I no longer knew how to get rid of it. The third one - now tolerates all my antics. Well, how are you, probably..
Secondly, you need to add blood every month, and if you suddenly become pregnant, there will be nothing to add))) then the man will run away like a pretty
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The man immediately warned that all the property was recorded for children
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A lie 22 years long.
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Husband left, 2 months of depression... How will you cope if you are left all alone?
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