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Marriage breaking point


What To Do When You Reach A Breaking Point In Your Marriage

There is a common misconnection when a couple reaches a breaking point in their marriage. They believe there are only two choices to make. The first choice is to continue living day in and day out in an unhappy home and unhappy marriage. The second choice is to leave the marriage, go your separate ways and file for divorce from your partner. 

However, for the majority of couples, there is also an important and life-changing third choice. When a couple is truly unhappy, and at a breaking point, the third choice is to seek expert help. Sitting down with a professional trained to guide couples through often difficult conversations will help you both learn to remove the blame, shame, and criticism common in negative relationship patterns and transform your relationship. 

Improving your relationship and making positive changes for both partners, make no mistake, take hard work, determination, and time working closely with an expert marriage counselor. It's essential to select a counselor trained to work with couples, one that will provide a safe, unbiased environment to identify specific behaviors interfering in your relationship. 

Think of it as if you were under the weather and needed expert help from a doctor. Marriage therapists are much the same, experts who help care for and guide people in pain.  

It can be emotionally exhausting for both partners when struggling through a rough time. However, it's important to remember that all relationships go through ups and downs, with good and bad times. Seeking help from an expert is nothing to fear. It's a tool to help you and your partner on the journey of creating a more fulfilling relationship. 

Before you make any difficult decisions, such as ending your marriage, ask yourself these critical questions first. 

Question #1 - What Specifically Do You Want to Change in Your Marriage? 

You may begin to feel unhappy, angry, frustrated, or sad. Can you identify why you are feeling this way? What would have to change in your relationship for you to feel that newlywed joy again?

To help you answer the above question, write a list of all the things that would need to happen for you to feel happy in your marriage again, such as: 

  • "I want to feel more respected."

  • "I need more space."

  • "I want to spend more time with my spouse."

  • "I want more financial stability." 

  • "I want a more active sex life." 

The more detailed and specific you are when creating the list, the more helpful it will be. 

Question #2 - Have You Shared the Desire to End Your Marriage with Your Partner? 

Even if both you and your spouse have acknowledged that you are unhappy in your marriage, you may not both know the other's reasons why. But if neither fully understands the other's dissatisfaction, it will be nearly impossible to improve your relationship as a whole.

After composing your lists of things you’d like to change, arrange a quiet time to sit down and talk with your spouse. It's essential to choose a time when you are both feeling calm and not busy with any distractions.  

During your conversation, listen with curiosity as your partner shares their feelings. Be sure to talk honestly about your needs and concerns. Talk about how you are feeling using nonjudgmental or accusatory "I" statements, such as:

  • "I want us to talk more." 

  • "I want to see you more often."

  • "I want us to share household responsibilities."

  • "I want us to experience more intimacy."  

Be open to your spouse's feelings as you listen to understand versus listening only to respond. Try to be receptive when you hear their thoughts and suggestions. Remember that even if you feel strongly about something, your spouse may see it entirely differently.

Question #3 - What Changes Will Create a Better Relationship for You and Your Partner? 

After discussing what changes need to be made for you to be happy, determine which changes you have the power to create. Determine a set of changes to strive for, such as making an effort to have weekly dates or talk about your day after work.

After introducing these changes, follow through with them for at least a month. You may be surprised to discover the power you have to improve your marriage.

Question #4 - Are There Specific Influences That Harm Your Marriage?

Often, outside influences can cause more harm to your marriage than you realize. While outside romantic interests and affairs are what takes some couples’ focus away from improving their marriage, extramarital romance isn’t the only destructive distraction.

Well-meaning friends and family members can influence the way you think, coercing you into thinking, feeling, and making decisions that aren't true to your own needs and wishes.

Your career and other outside obligations can sap your energy, keeping you from investing much-needed time and focus into your relationship.

When your marriage is in serious jeopardy, it's crucial to remove outside distractions as much as possible so you can prioritize healing between you.

Question #5 - Have You Given Up on Your Marriage, Or Do You Want to Rebuild Together?

Neither you nor your partner's attempts to transform your marriage will work if you aren't both invested in growing and changing the relationship. If you have already inwardly given up on your marriage, you are likely to scrutinize your spouse, interpreting every action or remark as a reason to leave.

For your relationship to heal, you'll need to invest in change rather than seeking excuses to end it. Focus on the reasons you should try to save your marriage rather than the reasons to move on.

Question #6 - What Do You Think Will Improve If You and Your Partner Divorce? 

Divorce probably won't solve all your problems, regardless of whether you and your spouse have endured a painful and challenging time. Divorce can actually promote more conflict when your home, family, and personal life are disrupted.  

Ending your marriage is also unlikely to eliminate any financial issues, personal dissatisfaction, or obstacles keeping you from your goals.

Picture your life after the divorce. Are the expectations of your new life realistic? 

Question # 7 - Do You and Your Partner Share a Marriage Vision? If Not, Why? 

Composing a "marriage vision" is a highly effective and vital tool for building a healthy marriage, partnership, or any type of relationship between two people. The marriage vision should include both you and your spouse's ideas, hopes, and dreams for your relationship and describe what needs to be done to achieve these goals.

If you haven't already written a marriage vision, take the time to sit down with your spouse to discuss your expectations, and develop a set of ideas that inspire and motivate you individually as well as your wishes as a couple.  

It's helpful to refer back to the marriage vision as a guide to navigating troubled waters when your marriage ebbs and flows. Be sure to update your marriage vision together as your relationship evolves and your individual and couple needs change.

Question #8 - What are You Grateful for in the Marriage?  

Rather than focusing exclusively on what you want to change or how your relationship could be better, take the time to think about all the things you love and are grateful for in your relationship. 

Make a list of everything you are thankful for that your partner gives to you. Taking the time to sit down and compose a list can help you see your relationship and spouse in a positive light and remind you of why you fell in love in the first place. 

Question #9 - Have You Contacted an Expert for Help in Your Marriage? If Not, What is Stopping You and Your Partner?

Even the healthiest, happiest couples take advantage of marriage counseling, and it can truly do wonders for any phase of marriage, particularly those in jeopardy of ending.  

A trained marriage counselor can help you and your partner explore why you've felt divorce was the only option and develop effective strategies for healing and transforming your marriage into the relationship you’ve both always desired. 

If you are struggling in your marriage and feel like ending it is your only option, we're here to help. Check out our Imago Relationship Workshops and Relationship Therapy. We also have Online Couples Therapy and Online Couples Workshops right now!  

Discover more about Imago with our Imago Professional Membership, Imago Professional Facilitators, Imago Professional Training, and Imago Educational Webinars. 

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Imago Relationships 

 

This blog post was written by Damian Duplechain, the co-founder, and chief clinical officer for the Center for Marriage & Family Relationships in Houston, Texas.

Damian brings decades of experience to his practice, helping hundreds of couples and families discover how to co-create the relationships they want. He has also supervised many clinicians in couples and family therapy over the years.

His work in helping couples and families learn to communicate effectively and connect more strongly, and to practice understanding and empathy is rooted in Imago philosophy. He is a certified Imago therapist with additional training in the Emotional Freedom Technique, John Gottman’s model, Terry Real’s model, and PACT (Psychological Approach to Couples Therapy) by Dr. Stan Tatkin. 

He has presented 200-plus Imago Couples Workshops that have served more than 2,000 couples and has collaborated with a number of his colleagues on clinical presentations both in the United States and internationally. 

7 Common Moments That Couples Who Get Divorced Go Through, According To Experts

Life

by Kristine Fellizar

Monkey Business Images/Shutterstock

There are a lot of different things that go into a couple's decision to get divorced. It's usually not just one thing that makes someone want to start the process — it's typically a combination of the little things that slowly build up and impact the relationship over time. Every marriage is different. But according to experts, there are actually a few moments couples go through before getting divorced.

"You'll know when a marriage is reaching its breaking point," divorce attorney, Steven J. Mandel, tells Bustle. "Most of the time there will be a trigger that will push one party to rush to the lawyers to file for divorce, whether it's an affair, imprudent spending, or a moment where the spouse may feel slighted or disrespected." There's always a "last straw."

There are many questions you can ask yourself to see if your marriage is worth saving or not. According to Mandel, the most simple question to ask yourself is, am I happy? "It's such a simple concept," he says. "But an answer of, 'no' speaks volumes to the type of relationship you're in."

In addition to unhappiness, people usually feel "every emotion possible" in the moments leading up to the divorce. There's anger, fear, resentment, frustration, and sadness. Here are some common moments couples go through before getting divorced, according to experts.

1

They Start Questioning The Relationship

Ashley Batz/Bustle

"The most notable moment that all couples go through before a divorce is when they suddenly begin to question everything," Damian Turco, attorney and founder of Turco Legal, tells Bustle. "After several years of a happy and loving marriage, doubts begin rolling through their minds." They start asking themselves, should they get a divorce? Is there still love there? What will happen to the kids? How do you even start the process? According to Turco, this is usually a time when emotions are running high and "nagging questions" linger at the back of their minds.

2

They Feel Stuck

Couples who are thinking about divorce, typically find themselves feeling stuck and uncertain that the relationship can move forward in a healthy way. For instance, some people really can't move on from infidelity. Trust issues and resentment can weigh a marriage down. "While this moment can be a turning point for couples, it doesn’t mean they don’t still love each other," Susan Block, licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle. "A lot of times, even as they’re walking out of the courtroom after finalizing their divorce, there's still a feeling of love there for some couples." But sometimes love isn't enough to help you move forward in a healthy way.

3

They Make A Promise To Try Everything They Can To Work It Out

Ashley Batz/Bustle

"Before getting to the point of separation or divorce, there’s a moment where couples make a proclamation that they want to explore every option to resolve their issues," Block says. Some may turn to self-help books, while others try going away together to reignite the spark. Some couples may even go to marriage counseling to see if the relationship can be repaired at all. "They want to leave no stone unturned, especially if there are kids in the picture," Block says. "They want to feel that they tried everything and made any last attempts to repair the relationship before closing the book on the marriage."

4

They Start Separating Their Finances

"People act divorced long before they actually get divorced," divorce lawyer, Russell D. Knight, tells Bustle. For instance, one person may have an affair while another moves out. But according to Knight, there's no bigger sign of an inevitable divorce than financial separation. "A separate financial life may mean using a private credit card or depositing money into a separate single-person account," he says. "Either way, this is always the straw that breaks the camel's back. Once a person starts living separate financially from their spouse they have made a no-going-back decision. "

5

There's A Breakdown In Communication

Ashley Batz/Bustle

Having open communication in your relationship is important if you want it to last. As family law attorney, Melissa Fecak, Esq., tells Bustle, couples who eventually get divorced typically see a breakdown in communication. "Many of my clients speak about how they were no longer communicating completely or effectively (some don't communicate at all)," Fecak says. "Communication is truly a cornerstone of a successful relationship." Even if a couple does decide to get divorced, communication is still essential especially if kids are involved. "Parents who are going to co-parent need to be able to speak to one another," she says. "This often takes some education during the divorce process. If they had this before, they likely would not have divorced."

6

Fights Start Getting Personal

Even the happiest couples fight sometimes. When you're in a healthy relationship, you should feel like you can express your feelings and opinions regardless of whether your partner agrees. "A healthy relationship is one where you feel 'safe,' not just in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense as well," Mandel says. "If couples don’t know how to argue productively, that is often a major factor in leading to a divorce." Fighting productively means coming together and talking out your issues as a team. But if you start name-calling or pointing out each other's flaws just to be hurtful, it may be a sign that your marriage is headed towards divorce.

7

Indecision

Ashley Batz/Bustle

It's not uncommon for people to go back and forth on their decision to follow through with a divorce. It's not only expensive, but it can be a completely draining process. "What many of my clients have had in common is the indecision of whether to follow through or try to stick it out," Fecak says. According to her, this indecision often comes from a place of fear. There's a fear of the unknown, a fear of being alone, a fear over financial implications, and for some, a fear of how their kids will be impacted. "This fear can be crippling," Fecak says. Because of this, it may take years before a couple decides it's finally time to end things once and for all.

Making the decision to get divorced isn't easy. Everyone's situation is different. But these moments are very telling and happen to couples that eventually get divorced. So if you find yourself going through any of these, you may want to think about whether your partner really is the one for you.

Reasons for divorce in Russia: statistics for 2020

Sergey Antonov

everyone is happy in marriage

Author profile

Alexey Smagin

never tried marriage

According to statistics, there are 7 divorces in Russia.

In 2020, 770.8 thousand marriages and 564 thousand divorces were registered in Russia. If you look at opinion polls, then often, when talking about the reasons for the breakup, the ex-husband and wife use the vague wording "didn't get along. " We studied official divorce statistics and research by scientists and tried to find out why marriages in Russia actually break up. nine0003

How often people get divorced

Over the past ten years, Russians have become less likely to get married, while the number of divorces has remained approximately the same. So, in 2006 in Russia there were more marriages than divorces, about 1.5 times, in 2011 - 2 times, and in 2020 - 1.4 times. Even the pandemic had almost no effect on the number of couples who decided to formalize the breakup: in a covid year, there were 7 divorces for 10 weddings.

For convenience, statistics consider the relative number of marriages (and divorces) in the same way as other indicators: divide the number of marriages in the region by the number of its inhabitants. If you see that in Russia there are 75 marriages per 10,000 people, you should know that there are 150 newlyweds for every 10,000 inhabitants. nine0003 Source: Rosstat Source: Rosstat

The number of marriages is affected by the birth rate in previous years. For example, in the eighties it was high, so the number of marriages grew until the end of the 2010s: a lot of people entered the so-called marriageable age - Russians most often get married at the age of 20-30. And in the nineties, the birth rate in the country fell by about one and a half times compared to the eighties. As a result, by 2020, the number of people at the age when Russians actively marry has also decreased. nine0003

Fragment of the HSE Annual Demographic Report for 2006PDF, 521 KB

In parallel, another factor also played a role. In Russia, as in many Western countries, the typical bride and groom are gradually "aging": the average age of marriage is growing. In 1993, the typical groom was 26.1, the bride 24.1. In 2016 - 30.1 and 27.7, respectively.

Fragment of the HSE Annual Demographic Report for 2017PDF, 668 KB

As a result, since 2012, the number of marriages has decreased by 1.8 times, and divorces by only 1.2 times. nine0003

The leaders in the number of divorces in 2020 are Sakhalin and the Magadan Region: 51 divorces per 10,000 inhabitants. In third place is the Kaliningrad region: 50 per 10,000. Families break up least often in the national republics: for example, in Chechnya and Ingushetia, only 10 divorces per 10,000 inhabitants were registered.

What do Russians consider as a good reason for divorce

In 2019, VCIOM asked Russians what, in their opinion, is the most common reason for divorce in Russia. Respondents could select multiple answers. In the first place were financial factors — poverty and the inability to feed a family: 46% of respondents answered this way. In second place is the betrayal or jealousy of one of the spouses: 22%. On the third - lack of mutual understanding: 21%. nine0003

It is interesting that before that, for several years in a row, those who considered a difficult financial situation as a reason for divorce were two times less.

Source: VTsIOM Source: VTsIOM

As for adultery in marriage, according to another study, more than half of Russians consider it worthy of condemnation. And only 12% of the respondents said that there is nothing reprehensible in this. Moreover, according to opinion polls, the proportion of those who categorically condemn sex on the side has grown almost one and a half times over 30 years - from 35 to 52%. nine0003

Infidelity, same-sex relationships, abortion: taboo or norm? — research by VTsIOM

The number of people who say that there is nothing wrong with cheating also increased, but not significantly: from 9% in 1991 to 12% in 2018.

What else affects the strength of marriage

According to sociologists, there are and other factors that increase the likelihood of divorce. They are not as obvious as cheating or the unwillingness of one of the spouses to find a job. Sociologists analyze the divorce statistics of hundreds and even thousands of couples and come to the conclusion that there are hidden factors that increase the chance of a family breakup. nine0003

No children. According to the Institute of Demography of the Higher School of Economics, in the eighties and nineties, families with children accounted for more than 60% of the total number of divorces. By 2015, this figure fell one and a half times - to 41%.

Childless couples divorce more often — HSE study

Marriage age. With each year of marriage, the chance of divorce decreases. So, in couples who got married in 1980-1989, they thought about divorce 9.3% of men and 22.4% of women, and among those who registered relationships in 2000-2004 - 14.3 and 27.1%, respectively.

Who breaks up relationships more often and why — a study by the Higher School of Economics

Scientists explain this situation with purely psychological reasons: couples who started a family in the 2000s were at the beginning of a joint journey at the time of the study. They are just beginning to organize a joint life, distribute responsibilities, rub each other in. The likelihood of disagreement is much higher. nine0003

The high position of a wife. Swedish scientists came to the conclusion that couples divorce more often, where a woman was promoted in the service. Families in which the wife gets the post of CEO, mayor or parliamentarian are twice as likely to break up than those where the same position goes to the husband.

Single women: career advancement and marital longevity - American Economic Journal article, in English

According to the authors of the study, couples in such cases have increased conflicts that are associated with the changed social and economic position of the wife. And women also have less time for family leisure and housework, which also often affects the strength of relationships. nine0003

Views on marriage. But there are also studies, the authors of which claim that the reasons for divorce lie only in the life attitudes of the spouses themselves. Scientists from Volgograd State University, who have been studying marriages and divorces in Russia for several years, say that neither the well-being, nor the duration of the relationship, nor the difference in the age of the husband and wife affect the strength of the family. People of different ages, with different levels of education, rich and poor, married for one year and many years, with children and without children - the probability of divorce is about the same for everyone. nine0003

Causes of divorce in modern Russia — article by scientists Elena Laktyukhina and Georgy Antonov in the Demoscope magazine If the other half corresponds to these ideas, the couple will not divorce. Simply put, if the husband believes that he is a breadwinner, and the wife's role is to stay at home, and she agrees with him, then their values ​​​​are the same and the marriage will be strong. If opinions do not match, it will fall apart. Moreover, according to the same study, a significant part of divorced people do not approve of divorce, that is, in fact, their own behavior. nine0003

Point of view: Three women about marriage and divorce

According to the Committee on Statistics, in 2017, the divorce rate in Kazakhstan was 3.03. This means that every third marriage out of a thousand ends in divorce. Most often, the age of men who get divorced is - 36 years old, for women - 33 years old, and the most common reason is a mismatch of characters. A small proportion of divorces occur in the first six months of marriages (729 out of 59,000 in 2017), and the shortest official marriage in the country lasted one day. nine0085

We have already talked about what a marriage contract is (editor's note - a marriage contract is the same type of contract as, for example, purchase and sale, lease, any other transaction. The general rules of the contract are regulated by the Civil Code of the Republic Kazakhstan and they are the same for all types of contracts. girls - minus.

Zhanna Begasilyeva, socialite, 6.5 years of marriage, no children, married at 23.

I started thinking about divorce almost from the very beginning of my marriage, but decided quite late. There were things I didn't agree with, but didn't pay attention to. Like many girls, I thought, hoped that a man in marriage would change. It turned out that this does not happen.

Misunderstandings in the family accumulated over the years, but outwardly our life seemed like a fairy tale. Before leaving, I turned to a psychologist, tried to understand myself, talked to my husband, resorted to female tricks, but this did not have any result. nine0003

The most difficult thing was to decide. No matter how bad marriage is, you get used to it and think: “Is it better to be single?”, And in fear you delay this moment. I was pressured by fear because of the opinions of others, I always thought what others would think. My ex-husband and I talked about divorce more than once, but he did not want to accept it and avoided action.

I started preparing for the divorce in advance. I enlisted the support of relatives, family and friends, prepared my personal apartment for the move, solved all financial issues: saved up money for the year ahead. As a result, I left with confidence. The last straw in our relationship was a public scandal. We had no joint property and children, so we filed an application and divorced a month later. nine0003

Divorce is always a condemnation of a girl. Everyone always says that the wife failed to save the hearth, that she is simply a fool.

After the divorce

I was proud that I took matters into my own hands and got divorced. My internal state was also reflected externally: no one condemned me, even people from the environment of my ex-husband. The feeling of freedom is a thing incomparable to anything. My life is now like a holiday. And in marriage, it was not even my husband who “driven” me into a corner, but I myself. We can swear at men, but in fact we ourselves allow them a lot. Therefore, I believe that in a divorce, in any case, both are always to blame. nine0003

Now I have determined the criteria for choosing a partner and I know exactly what I can handle and what I can't. I watch divorced girls in my environment and notice that the main reason for divorce is the financial insolvency of a man. They do not want to earn money or they are waiting for money from heaven.

One should not be afraid of divorce and condemnation from society. It used to be a stigma, but now, according to my observations, divorced people get married more often and faster. Even if a woman who has never been married is valued higher among Kazakh men, there are no losers: it's about the relationships you build. nine0003

The image of a man and a woman

It seems to me that man's strength lies in responsibility, and now there are few men who keep their word. For example, in a relationship with my ex-husband, I myself took the position of a strong man, and it’s not about making money. The fact is that I was more responsible and decisive. A woman is about feelings, a man is about reason.

advice from girls

Listen to yourself. Neither girlfriend nor mother will ever give the right advice. You will hear what you want to hear. Divorce "knocked me down". Maybe I am free and happy, but I have a fear of a new relationship and resentment towards my ex-husband. It's hard for me to trust men, so now I can't build relationships. nine0003

Aina Dosmahambet, director of the Method programming school. Was married for 5 years, 3 children, married at 21.

We didn't have scandals with breaking dishes, I just left the house and said: “Stay alone, think about whether you need a family. If yes, then I return, if not, then I don’t want to play in the family. ” I did not disappear and did not turn off the phone, but in order to avoid unnecessary conversations, I did not go to my parents, but lived in a rented apartment. There was one request to my husband: that he make a decision on his own, without friends and relatives. In the end, we never got along. nine0003

The main reason for the divorce is that at some point I realized that our views and the concept of a family do not coincide, I did not feel “like behind a stone wall” next to him. In five years of marriage, I did not seek help from either his parents or my own. Because I still think that family problems need to be solved by ourselves. I never showed my relatives that we were in a quarrel, I did not turn to a psychologist. I did not express dissatisfaction if I had suspicions or doubts, I did not throw tantrums. And if we talk about mistakes in marriage, now I think that all discontent should be spoken out right away. After a divorce, there always comes a moment when you start thinking "it was necessary to do this or that." So I think you need to try everything before getting a divorce. nine0003

When deciding on a divorce, one should not give in to emotions. You need to think with a cool head.

Children

I left my ex-husband in the second month of pregnancy. At that time, I had a two-year-old son and a four-year-old daughter. I have always understood that children, especially small ones, need a happy mother. The Kazakhs have a proverb: “Akenin zhakyndygy zhezdedey” ( approx. ed. father is like uncle). I understood that I had a big responsibility. I would not want children to copy the model of a fake family in their lives. Did I worry that the children would grow up without a father? I still believe that an adult, adequate man understands that a child needs to be looked after even in a divorce. But some men think that if the child is not around, there are no obligations. So it was with my husband: after the divorce, he stopped communicating with the children for nine months. He had his opinion on this matter, I have mine. We messed up a lot of things before fixing it all. nine0003

After the birth of my third child, the thought came to me that tomorrow the children need to be dressed, put on shoes and possibly pay for education. Then for the first time it became scary and I thought: “How can I deal with this?”. When I realized that after a divorce there are more problems than in marriage, the Azhyraspa blog appeared.

Things to think about

About the material side: about where, how and with what money she will feed herself and her children. This must be firmly decided. If these are relatives, then how long can you stay with them, if parents, then will they reproach and force you to return to your husband. nine0003

I knew I could go to my parents and I had a job at Ernst&Young. These two factors helped me to stand firmly on my feet even in the most difficult days. But the children grow up and every year the question of personal living space arises more sharply, which I am now solving. And to live on the neck of your parents when you are over 30 I consider it unacceptable.

Legal issue

In Kazakhstan there is an information vacuum in this regard, people do not know their rights. There is no informational support: nowhere is it written about how to get a divorce or how to get on the waiting list for housing. During the divorce, I had a small child and could not leave the house. nine0003

On the Center of Gravity forum, I found a section where they discuss rights, where I asked a question about divorce. I was told that if there are no children, they are bred in the public service center, if there are, you need to go to court. To receive alimony, you need to submit a separate application, and lawyers are hired if there are controversial issues. We didn't have any joint property, so everything went smoothly.

Does depression happen after a divorce?

It seems to me that depression happens to everyone, just in a different form. At such moments, I would advise you to pull yourself out of this state. nine0003

You need to clearly understand that no one will help you.

Firstly, no one will help you until you yourself want it, and secondly, everyone has their own problems, and children do not need a mother who is always crying. In principle, you have not died and that is enough to live on. Therefore, you need to pull yourself together and do absolutely everything. I read books by Natalia Pravdina, which everyone laughs at, read “Reality Transurfing” and watched all kinds of trainings on YouTube. There is an expression "Action drives away fear, and fear drives away action." Therefore, you can not just sit and delve into your thoughts. You need to constantly do something to turn off the head. nine0003

Public opinion

In my family, we were not raised with the fear of “What will people say?” And for me it is still strange that someone can be guided by someone else's opinion.

My fate and the fate of my family should not be decided by someone else's opinion. If my husband and I decided to get together, I wouldn't care what others say, just as if we decided not to get together.

I have a principle: do not listen to the advice of those who do not live the way you want. I was given advice by aunts who once forgave their husbands and returned to them. To this day they suffer beatings, or their husband's alcoholism. They may be happy, but this is not the picture of the family that I have in my head. nine0003

After

It took me a long time to come to my senses - about two years, until I finally let go of what had happened. Now I don’t have a grudge against my ex-husband inside, I never thought that he was a bad or unworthy person, and I don’t think so to this day. It's just that maybe I saw more in him than he saw in himself. Later, even a psychologist told me: “You didn’t love him, the potential of a person, what he can become.” At some point, I realized that this mountain is my mistakes, and the other one is my husband’s mistakes and the divorce happened just so that we could see and correct them. But already in a new relationship. nine0003

I don't regret my divorce because it helped me become a new person.

I won't say that divorce is good. There are moments when something out of plans happens, when you have to mobilize all the resources. I agree that a woman becomes stronger after a divorce. Whether this is good or not is questionable, but life needs strength.

I don't agree that after a breakup, you need to start a new relationship as soon as possible. It seems to me that you need to roar well, complain to others so that people are sick of listening to you and you yourself feel sick of talking about it. All the pain needs to be thrown out in order to start from scratch, on which new relationships and emotions can be imposed. nine0003

Girls often say: "We'll get married and I'll change him." Hell no! To understand whether to marry him or not, you need to understand whether you are ready to live with a person as he is here and now, and not later.

New relationship

I never doubted for a second that I would never get married. I began to fear when two years ago, women on Instagram shared their stories of childhood abuse. Many, as it turned out, were raped by their fathers or stepfathers. Then I thought: “Okay, I will get married, but what will this person be like? How will he treat my children? I'm not saying that I live this fear, but now I'm not in a hurry to get married. Not because I don't want to change my lifestyle, but because I don't know why? Marry for the status of a married woman? Not about me. For children to have a father? So they have it. For a husband to provide for us? I've been dealing with this for six years now. The ideal relationship in my understanding is when I still want to see exactly his face, waking up in the morning at 85 years old. When he decides to be together without expecting anything in return, and you yourself want to give him everything: children, comfort and a hot dinner after a hard day's work. Perhaps such a relationship does not exist, but I do not agree to another. And if I am destined to live my life alone, then I ask Allah for health and well-being for myself, my children and relatives. nine0003

I don't understand the phrase "I'm alone." I have three children. We sit down at the table - there are four of us, we are a whole family.

Anastasia Saulina, PADI diver. She was married twice: at the age of 20 (the marriage lasted 7 months) and at the age of 30 (4 years). No children.

When I got divorced for the first time, I forgave my husband for suffocation, but my mother-in-law intervened and put forward an ultimatum to my son: either I or she. His choice was obvious. I didn't think long either. In the second case, I decided for a long time, as I got used to the person. I considered every word and decided to leave. nine0003

After my first divorce, I had a severe depression that lasted three years. During this time, I lost a lot of weight, plunged into work and study, finally “planted” my eyesight, stopped loving myself and smiling. The last straw in this depression was a gypsy, to whom I voluntarily gave all my gold. Then my mother came to my aid, who arranged a “reboot” for me. We changed our wardrobe, hairstyle, haircut, arranged regular spa and beauty salon visits. I changed my profession and went on a vacation abroad. Over time, I wanted new relationships, family, children and comfort. We met for six months, there was sympathy between us, we wanted to build a serious relationship. But it didn't work out. After the second divorce, there was no depression, as the decision was conscious and matured over a long time. nine0003

In marriage, the most difficult thing is to have common goals, ambitions (in a good way) and follow them.

In advance, you need to think about...

  1. Your nerves. You need to take responsibility for your decision. If in doubt, let go of the situation and wait it out. After a while, you will be able to soberly assess what is happening and make a final decision.
  2. Expenses. Now you will be responsible for yourself and your children. If you simulate the situation, during a divorce without children, you can live in your own apartment (if any), rent a house, or, in extreme cases, live with your parents. Modeling further - divorce with children. It is good if the husband has adequate ideas about the need to support his children even after a divorce. But I saw how some friends with children get divorced, and I can say that some husbands simply became donors when they conceived a child. They simply do not exist and they do not take part in the upbringing of children. nine0232
  3. The Code "On Marriage (Matrimony) and Family" has a separate chapter on the property rights and obligations of spouses, which provides for about five articles.
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