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Letting go of a cheating spouse


Toxic Relationships: How to Let Go When It's Unhappily Ever After

by Karen Young

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If life ran like a storybook, the person we fall in love would not be the person who broke us. Sadly, we humans tend to be a bit more human than that. We fall in love, we commit, we get hurt – over and over – and we stay.  People need people, but sometimes the cost is a heavy one. When it’s a toxic relationship, the breakage can be far-reaching.

Love is addictive. So is the hope of love. All relationships can be likened to an addiction, but sometimes the power of this can be self-destructive. When relationships become loveless, hostile, stingy or dangerous, you would think they would be easy to leave, but they can be the hardest ones to walk away from.

A bad relationship isn’t about being on the downward slide of the usual relationship ups and downs. It is one that consistently steals your joy and follows you around with that undeniable clamour that this isn’t how it’s meant to be.

Knowing when to let go.

Sometimes the signs are clear – emotional and physical abuse, constant criticism, lying, cheating, emotional starvation. Sometimes there is nothing outstandingly obvious – it just doesn’t feel right. Perhaps it did once but that ended long ago. The signs might lie in the loneliness, a gentle but constant heartache, a lack of security, connection or intimacy or the distance between you both. 

Whatever it involves, there are important needs that stay hungry, for one of both people in the relationship. The relationship exists but that’s all it does, and sometimes barely even that. It doesn’t thrive and it doesn’t nurture. It is maintained, not through love and connection, but through habit. 

Sometimes there are circumstances that make leaving difficult. Sometimes though, there’s nothing in your way except you. Some of the signs that you might be addicted to the relationship are:

  • You know it’s bad, but you stay.
  • You want more for yourself, but you stay.
  • There are important needs in you that are so hungry (intimacy, connection, friendship, love, security, respect), and you know in this relationship they’ll stay that way. But you stay. 
  • You have tried ending the relationship before, but the pain of being on your own always brings you back.

What to do when leaving feels as bad as staying.

Leaving any relationship is difficult. Leaving a bad one isn’t necessarily any easier. The shift from powerless to empowered is a gentle one, but lies in the way you experience the relationship. It often takes as much resourcefulness, energy and strength to stay in a bad relationship as it does to leave. With a shift in mindset, experience and expectation, the resources you use to stay and to blind out the seething hopelessness of it all can be used to propel you forward.

  1. Be present.

    The pull to live in the past (the way it was/ the way I was) or in the future (it will get better – I just need to find the switch) can be spectacular, but the energy to move forward exists fully in the present. It’s always there, but you have to be in the present to access it. To do this, fully experience the relationship as it is, without needing to change it or control it. 

    This might be scary, particularly if the environment you are in is hostile or lonely, but the only way to be okay with leaving what you have, is to fully experience how broken it is.

    No relationship is perfect. All couples fight and hurt each other and say and do things they shouldn’t. That’s a normal part of living and loving together. The problem comes with having to repeatedly live in the past or the future to tolerate the present – the abuse, the harm, the insecurity, the jealousy, the loneliness and the grief of the relationship as it stands – just so that it’s easier to stay.

  2. Keep track.

    Keep a record of how you feel in the relationship, the good and bad. If writing isn’t your thing, take a photo of your face at the same time every day. You’ll see it in your eyes. Photos and journalling will capture the intimate, day to day detail of you in this relationship. Set a time period – weeks or months – and at the end take a look over your photos or your writing. Can you see patterns? What do you notice about the things that hurt you and the things that feel good? The frequency? The intensity? What do you see in the photos? Can you see the life in you? Or has it been drained away. Is this the person you want to be? Or is it a faded, sadder version? This can help to see your experience in the relationship for what it is – stripped of the filters and the softening that comes with time. 

  3. Be aware of what’s happening in your body. It’s trying to tell you something.

    The connection between the mind and the body is a powerful one. If you shut down the messages that are coming from your mind, your body will take over. There will be signs in the way you hold yourself, the sensations in your body (heaviness, heartache, tension) and the way it works. Has your body slowed down? Is there physical pain? Does it ache? Does it feel heavy? Restless? Tired? Drained? Do you feel your body withering, scrunched or as though it’s holding back? If your body could speak, what would it want you to know?

    Try this exercise:

    Finish this sentence: 

    ‘My body is …’ (tired/crumpled/hurting – whatever fits for you)’.

    Now, keep your ending but replace the words, ‘My body is’ with ‘I am’ or ‘My life is’.

    Notice what happens when you do that.

  4. How do you avoid the truth?

    Notice what you do to shift away from your reality. Are there unhealthy behaviours you do to stop from feeling bad? Or maybe there are healthy beahviours that you do in unhealthy ways?

    Try staying with the discomfort rather than avoiding it. Contained in the pain is the wisdom, courage and strength you need to find the happier version of yourself and your life. 

  5. Give it a deadline.

    It’s easy to forget how long you’ve been living with what you don’t want, hoping that one day it will be better. Pick your ‘one day’. Let it be six weeks, six months – whatever feels right for you. In that time, give the relationship everything you’ve got. When that ‘one day’ comes, be honest and act from a place of strength, self-respect and self-love. The answer will be in front of you.

  6. Become selfish.

    The way we think about selfishness is broken. Selfishness is about recognising what you need and doing what you can to meet those needs. Sometimes there will be fallout, but there will also be fallout by ignoring what you need and letting the noise shout you down. You matter. What you need matters. It always has. Sometimes that will mean putting yourself first on your list. This is even more important if it is the only list that has you anywhere near the top.

  7. Be honest about your part.

    Is there anything you can do to put the relationship back on track? It takes guts to open up to what you might need to do differently, but it’s important. If you’re not sure, ask your partner. Of course, just because your partner names things he or she would like you to do differently, it for you to decide whether this is a direction you want to move in. If the response is ‘Yeah actually. You can stop asking me where I go at night. K?’ then you can either respond with, ‘Sure baby – it’s totally fine with me if you leave the house smelling like man musk and secrets. Just come home when you feel like it hey. Do you want me to keep dinner for you?’ Or, you can Google, ‘Somewhere I can live without idiots.’

  8. What’s your role in the relationship?

    It’s likely that there will be a rhythm in the relationship that keeps it breathing the way it does. You and your partner will each have a role that keeps each other’s behaviour possible. This in no way means either of you are to blame or that either of you deserve to be treated the way you are. What it means is that over time you would have fallen into a way of being together that makes the dysfunction easier and more tolerable – a healthy adjustment to an unhealthy situation.

    It’s common in relationships for one person to be the ‘reacher’ and one to be the ‘retreater’. In healthy relationships, this is balanced or the roles shift around. There’s an easy flexibility. In unhealthy relationships, these roles become polarised. The more someone retreats, the more the other reaches, and this is where the roles become fixed.

    Explore your roles. Which one of you is ‘the commitment phobe’, ‘the non-communicator,’ ‘the abuser,’  ‘the critic’, ‘the disinterested one’? And who is ‘the ‘enabler’, ‘the victim,’ ‘the helpless one,’ ‘the reacher’, ‘the rescuer’, ‘the justifier’, ‘the fantasiser’. Try shifting out of your role. This will shift the dynamic and either force change or make the dysfunction all the more glaring – and easier to walk away from.

  9. Let go of the fantasy.

    The fantasy of what could be will keep you stuck. Every time. It could be better – so much better – but just not with this person. How do you know? Because you’ve been trying. And you’re tired. And there’s nothing more to give.

    The fantasy stands between you and reality and throws flowers at your feet so you never look up and see things as they are.

    The more you fantasise about what could be, the more the reality is embellished and changed into something reasonable. The fantasy will persuade you to hold on for a little longer, and always at the cost of moving forward. Lose the fantasy that things will be different. They won’t be. If you could have lived the fantasy with this relationship, you would have done that by now. Let your fantasy instead be one of all the losers who have ever crossed your path sprawled on the couch, wearing saggy Star Wars underwear as they gaze at your photo, listen to Adele and regret like mad ever losing you, while you eat tacos, listen to Beyonce and not miss them at all. There you go.

  10. Accept what is.

    It’s paradoxical, but the more you can accept where you are, the greater the capacity for change. This will let your decisions be driven by information that’s real and accurate, not a glossed up fairy tale image of what could be. Accept your reality as it is – your relationship, your partner and what it means for you. When you accept the truth, you live the truth. This will expand your courage, strength and capacity to decide whether this relationship is the best option for you – or not. You will have a clarity that will propel you forward, whatever that might mean for you.

  11. Fight for you.

    You have to fight for the things you love and the things you believe in, but one of those things has to be you. What would you say to someone you love who was feeling the pain or the deadness that you are feeling? Inside you is more courage and strength than you will ever need. You are a queen, a king, a fighter, a warrior, you are powerful and beautiful and everything good in the world – and you deserve to be happy. But first, you might have to fight for it. Fight for you the way you would fight for anyone you love – fiercely, boldly, bravely.

  12. Stop making excuses.

    Be honest.What do you want from this relationship? Have you ever had it? How different is what you want from what you have? And how long has it been this way? If you are loved, it feels like love. Even in the midst of a storm, a loving relationship still feels loving. Despite the stress, the exhaustion, the things you do or say – a loving relationship has an undercurrent of safety, security and respect, even when times are tough. If it doesn’t feel good for you, it’s not.

  13. Replace ‘can’t leave’ with ‘won’t leave’.

    Claim back your power by replacing ‘can’t leave‘ with ‘won’t leave‘. Sometimes circumstances mean that it’s difficult to leave. Whatever you choose to do, do it from a place of strength, not from a place of helplessness. If you stay, let it be because you have made the decision that this is the best option for you at this moment in time, not because somebody has claimed ownership of your life. Keep your power and your independence of mind, whatever is going on around you. There’s only one of you and you’re too important to let yourself fade into circumstance or the manipulation.

  14. Not making a decision is making a decision.

    You might decide to put off making a decision, to give it some time. Make no mistake, this is making a decision – to stay. Own your decision and experience fully what that decision means for you. Don’t live on the outskirts of your reality by claiming to be somewhere in between committing to the relationship and leaving it. You’re one or the other. In it or out of it. Claiming indecision might feel okay in the short term, but in the long term it will just keep you stuck, without the energy you need to move closer to what will be healthier for you.

And finally …

If the relationship feels bad, then it’s bad for you. That’s the only truth that matters. Fight hard to keep your relationship intact, but when there is no fight left, the truth will be staring you down like a hunted thing.

All relationships will go through make it or break it times, but healthy relationships recover. They grow closer and become stronger and more resilient. Relationships have a limited amount of resources available – emotional, physical, financial. Sometimes the relationship will be barreled around by a storm and this might use up a vast chunk of the resources that have been banked over time. If the relationship is healthy, it will only be a matter of time before this is topped up. If it isn’t, it will shrivel up from lack of nourishment and eventually die.  

Only you can decide whether to stay or go, but be mindful of your reasons. Sometimes the bravest, most difficult, and most life-changing things lie not in what we do, but in what we stop doing. 

Letting Go and Leaving Infidelity Behind

Millions of marriages end due to infidelity every year. Once the initial shock wears off there is one big decision that needs to be made. There's no right answer, but there is definitely one that brings more peace of mind.

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Millions of marriages end due to infidelity every year. Once the initial shock wears off there is one big decision that needs to be made. Should the marriage end or can it be saved? There’s no right answer, but there is definitely one that brings more peace of mind.

Jenna came to see me after discovering that her husband of 25 years had been having an affair. She arrived in my office in tears, broken-hearted and in shock over learning that he had been seeing another woman from his office for the past two months.

I’ve seen this early phase of trauma many times, and I know from experience that Jenna will have some even bigger hurdles as she progresses down the road of being an infidelity victim. She is one of many who will be living through the nightmare of an affair, and struggling with the tortuous decision to stay or leave her marriage.

Although researchers find it hard to really know how many marriages are disrupted by infidelity, the number hovers around 20 million. We know that honesty is not in the forefront of a cheaters mind so this number is probably a rough gauge based on the source of actual reports and full disclosure. Even if we consider this to be a pretty good estimate, we can presume that there are millions of people out there either trying to save their marriages from divorce, or to figure out how to save themselves.

The question of whether a marriage can survive an infidelity is not unlike asking about the meaning of love. It’s complicated, nuanced, personal and contextual. In her book “After the Affair”, Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D, says that couple’s can survive infidelity provided that each partner is willing to look honestly at themselves and each other, and that each is able to acquire the skills needed to get through the shattering crisis.

Other authors base the outcome on the injured partner’s willingness to forgive and let go, and also on the level of change the unfaithful partner is capable of. To make things even more confusing we have to consider the depth of betrayal, the willingness to give up the affair, and how truly remorseful the perpetrator feels.

Deciding to stay or go after an affair is by far the hardest decision anyone can make. The only thing slightly harder is being robbed of even having this choice when the cheating partner makes the choice himself or herself.

Pros and Cons

The pros and cons list for this kind of dilemma can end up being a scroll. Some might say that all marriages should be saved, and that the rate of divorce is high because people don’t want to take the time and energy to work through something so difficult.

In my experience most couples would prefer to stay married for religious reasons, the children, the investment they’ve made or the fear of starting over alone. More often than not the betrayed person chooses to remain in marriage because it’s too scary not to.

Staying married means avoiding the draining and destructive process that so often accompanies divorce. Families get to remain in tact, children stay in their home, finances don’t get disrupted, and life ultimately stays the same.

On the con side there’s the issue of being able to forget, let alone forgive. Staying in a marriage after a betrayal means always knowing that a partner cheated, and many people don’t want to live with this kind of worry. Overtime trust can be rebuilt, but the memory remains and the relationship would never be fully the same.

Staying also means that there is an increased risk in it happening again. Once a cheater, always a cheater may not be true in every case, but once that line has been crossed it’s easier to cross it again. Past behavior is the greatest determiner of future behavior so most bets would be on the cheater repeating the same mistake.

Fit or Flop

Leaving a partner after an infidelity is the healthier choice. Mistakes happen, and no one is perfect but the majority of married people make this kind of commitment because they trust that there partner will honor and respect them.

Every story and situation is different but betrayal of this kind is profound and extremely damaging to the heart, mind and soul. Surviving this heartbreak is absolutely possible, but it changes the relationship forever in ways that can never be repaired.

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Relationship crisis Man and woman

A telephone message left no room for different interpretations: “Igor, darling, I miss you!” Julia was holding her husband's mobile in her hands and did not know how to live on. It happened two years ago, when they were with the whole family in the country. She watched from the terrace as their children played in the garden, and her husband went into the house, leaving the phone on the table. Hearing the vibrating signal, Julia took it, more mechanically than out of curiosity. And so…

“I didn't feel resentment, not anger, but just pain, as if I had been hit,” she recalls. Having silently cried all night next to her sleeping husband, she decided to fight: “The youngest daughter was only two years old, and I believed that we had a strong family.” Igor did not deny: "It's true, I have an affair with a new employee, but I love you, as before." “I didn’t understand: how could he have an affair, commit adultery, if he still loves?”

35-year-old Kirill asked the same question - he and Maria had lived together for five years by the day when she admitted that she could not resist the charm of a new acquaintance whom she met at a friend's wedding. “She repeated that it was a mistake, that she only now truly understood how dear I am to her, and I didn’t want to listen to anything: she betrayed me, which means she doesn’t love me. ”

There is no single cause for infidelity. “The lack of recognition, disappointment, the struggle for power in the family, the temptation of novelty,” transactional analyst Vadim Petrovsky lists the possible options. “As well as behavior patterns adopted from parents, which are then reproduced in our family life.”

There is a difference between a single betrayal and a double life that one of the spouses leads

A deceived partner should not blame himself for what happened. “There is something that is subject to our control, and something that goes beyond our capabilities and resources,” the analyst emphasizes. “By fully taking the blame on ourselves, we can even provoke repeated betrayals by giving the other a kind of “absolution.”

Of course, there is a difference between a single betrayal and a double life led by one of the spouses. Finding out about a long-term relationship is a harder blow. But even in this case, lessons can be learned by abandoning the role of the victim that the situation itself imposes on us. Being a victim in our own eyes and believing that we have the right to behave like a victim, we can feed the behavior of the “persecutor” with this emotional energy.

“At first, the one who has been cheated on experiences severe pain, and at this time it is difficult to think and analyze,” says family psychotherapist Elena Ulitova. “But then the pain eases a little, though it doesn’t go away completely. Then it's time to think about the reasons that caused the betrayal.

Vadim Petrovsky mentions the "asymmetry of suffering", emphasizing that the leading role in the analysis of what happened belongs to the deceived partner. And the one or the one who was unfaithful should change his behavior, reassure the partner, convince him that their relationship has value.

Cheating is not something that one of the partners does to the other, it's something that happens to a couple. They intend to continue this work together. And Kirill and Maria are trying to glue the fragments, but they are not very successful.

“Not only did my self-esteem suffer, but also the trust that existed between us. Although we stayed together, it’s hard for me to forgive her, ”Kirill admits.

“And then the husband comes back…”: rules for those who cheat

“It is wrong to think that it is enough to find the guilty person, point out his guilt and make him repent so that all problems are solved,” says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. - Cheating is not something that one partner does to the other, it's something that happens to a couple. The reasons for infidelity, as well as the possibility of overcoming the crisis, should be sought in the history of the two.

At our request, the experts analyzed the stories of couples who had cheating and identified three ways to cope with “life after cheating”: some never manage to leave this episode behind, others are distracted from it without rising to a new level, and still others come out of the test transformed.

A wounded couple

Anna cheated on Timothy a year and a half ago with her ex-husband. After a year of psychotherapy, they decided that they had managed to overcome the crisis. But Anna has the impression that she is still "paying" for what she did. “If I'm five minutes late, he's already nervous. I know that he searches my pockets and, whatever we happen to argue about, reopens the topic. Half the time we live in hell." Despite everything, they remain together, although they themselves cannot explain this.

According to Vadim Petrovsky, Anna and Timofey seem to be stuck in the past, they, like many other couples, have one thing left in their lives - resentment: martyrdom or even a protector. They think not so much about reconciliation, but about confirming their status as a victim, from which some benefits follow: the sympathy of others, the pleasure of condemning the "apostate", sometimes "indulgence" for their own infidelity.

Dangerous games: rules for lovers

Hence stalking, revenge... This vicious circle is difficult to break. Adultery causes pain, which is mixed with guilt, as if the deceived partner himself was not good enough to deserve love. But if he remains in this state, he will not be able to develop within the couple. To take your part of the responsibility for what happened means to become the master of your life again.

“Responsibility frees one from guilt,” Elena Ulitova is convinced. “Because we understand that the reason for what happened is not in what we are by nature, but in what we did or, on the contrary, did not do.” Staying together is not an end in itself and is not synonymous with success. “When both partners turn a blind eye to treason, silence becomes the defining feature of the union,” says Elena Ulitova. “Under these conditions, marriage can technically survive, but family life is dying.”

How to get out of the crisis

  • Give up the role of a victim or executioner, which dictates the situation
  • Stop measuring everything by the measure of past or possible future infidelity
  • Play an active role, strengthen communication with a partner, instead of living in fear of another betrayal

A couple who survived

Marina had been living with her friend for a year, when during a business trip to Austria she met a man who “had some kind of electricity”. “I knew it wouldn’t be for long – we are from different countries, and I appreciated my friend and our common life with him,” she says. A few months later, she confessed everything to him.

“He didn't talk to me for two days. But we were invited to a family party, and he asked me to come to pretend that everything was in order. I took advantage of this to talk to him and explain that if I was going to leave, I would have already done so. It seems that I managed to calm him down, and I never felt unnecessary jealousy on his part. But this topic has become taboo for us.”

Marina and her friend are among those who managed to keep the couple together. “For some, maintaining family, social boundaries and financial stability, staying together despite infidelity, is more important than enjoying mutual desire, and this should be respected,” Elena Ulitova notes.

With such couples, she tries to find out what the relationship on the side has taught them, and takes into account their suffering: experienced by those who were cheated on and those who abandoned their new love.

“Often these couples are happy that they have found their place, found peace again and got rid of bitterness. They stay together because they like their life,” says Elena Ulitova. “But it is important that such a decision be made out of mutual desire, and not out of a feeling that we are morally obliged. Otherwise, we risk increasing the distance and losing sincerity in relationships.”

Sooner or later the couple will be involved in a situation associated with strong feelings, and then conscious control will be lost. “They avoid subtle, complex, delicate moments to maintain a semblance of well-being.” But silence does not mean forgetfulness. Lack of clarity threatens credibility.

“Relationships become more formal,” continues the psychotherapist. - Both sides are afraid to deepen them: after all, genuine experiences are hidden in the depths. If you move there, you don’t know what you will meet, and so fear arises. So, it is better not to interact on an emotional level, but to support the “I'm fine, you're fine” scenario. Such interaction can bring satisfaction, but within its framework it is impossible for the couple to develop either on an intellectual, or on a sensual, or on a parental level.

But are such couples doomed to an alienated, ritualized relationship in which genuine warmth never arises?

“Sooner or later the couple will be involved in a situation associated with strong feelings, and then conscious control will be lost,” Alexander Orlov answers this, “offenses, disappointment, suffering will break through - all feelings that for the time being were covered in silence ".

Such a "breakthrough" can lead to a final break, but can be life-saving if the two agree to an open conversation.

Start over

  • Understand what the true goals and desires of both are, not just fulfill moral or social obligations also the suffering of the one who stays in the family, refusing new love

A couple on the path of development

Daria always repeated: “If one fine day I find out that you have changed, I will pack my things at that very moment!” But when it actually happened, she not only stayed, but tried to forgive him.

“For almost half a year we discussed the reasons for his affair with our mutual friend. It was difficult for him and me, but thanks to these conversations, we really understood why we fell in love with each other and why we moved away from each other. Today I feel stronger. Before, I tried to agree with him in everything, but he almost left me. Now I have learned to express my own desires, and it seems to me that as a result, our relationship has become closer and more honest.

Using the infidelity crisis to transform and even revive broken relationships is possible, argues family therapist Inna Khamitova. This does not mean that this path will be easy.

“In the emotional storm that couples go through, it is difficult to keep the sequence: now “leave!”, then “hug!”; then “leave me alone!”, then “don’t leave me!” ... But having agreed to share responsibility for the crisis in relations, they begin to see a catalyst for change on the side of the novel, and not just betrayal.

The couple will also have to admit those feelings about which it is not customary to talk about - in particular, to accept the reality of experiencing sexual desire.

“You can treat it differently, you can consider it “bad”, moralize it, but this is a psychological fact, emphasizes Alexander Orlov. “This is what happened to one of the two and what the other will have to accept - without protest and condemnation.”

Those couples who manage to get out of this test with new strength enter into more mature relationships

But talking and understanding each other does not mean finding out all the details of the relationship. Inna Khamitova notes that excessive knowledge can be too painful and hinder reconciliation. She advises spouses not to demand a clinically accurate and inevitably painful account of what happened, but to ask what meaning he or she attaches to infidelity, what this situation can teach them.

Those couples who manage to come out of this ordeal with renewed vigor enter into more mature relationships. They accept the notion that infidelity of the body can coexist with faithfulness of the heart, and together they try to solve the problems that arise.

“This crisis can even strengthen the marriage,” Alexander Orlov believes, “and take the relationship to a new level, but there is a condition here: one forgives the other, and the latter sincerely wants to be forgiven and asks for forgiveness.” And this is not necessarily the one who cheated, this is a mutual process in which a culture of psychological contact develops, sensitivity to the needs of another.

“You can learn and practice it,” Alexander Orlov is convinced, “and this is the best way out of the crisis, as well as the prevention of infidelity. After all, what is an attentive, empathic, understanding, sincere attitude towards another person? It's an attitude of love!"

All our experts emphasize that most marriages are made at the peak of romantic, loving feelings, and if they continue to be cultivated and trained, then the relationship in a couple is strengthened and developed. And for those who doubt that the shattered relationship in a couple can be restored, they are reminiscent of the words of the playwright Bernard Shaw, who said that marriage is a series of meetings and divorces with the same person.

Get closer to each other

  • Share responsibility for damaged relationships with each other and not be afraid to look for reasons for infidelity in the couple's past
  • Be ready to hear what exactly your partner was looking for when he committed adultery. Be interested in his feelings and talk openly about yours
  • Discuss together the original "agreement" on which the life together was based, and amend it if necessary
  • Reflect on what kind of loyalty we require from a partner

Text: Elena Tyuleneva, Alina Nikolskaya Photo Source: Getty Images

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Usually

the situation of betrayal is perceived by people fatally. But if you think about the fact that almost all couples face this, it will become easier

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It seems that the story of lovers hidden in the bath and secret correspondence on the second phone is not about you. But there comes a crisis moment in the relationship, when strong love and charm pass and both partners begin to notice interesting people on the side. Goosebumps running down your back? It's not that bad. Being liked by others and noticing others is normal. It is important - what kind of relationship will your couple have during this period and what experience have the spouses experienced before you. If it is impossible (and illegal) to keep by force, you should just relax and think... about yourself. We have collected the most common misconceptions about cheating - it is they who, in moments of crisis, prevent a sober assessment of the situation and harm. Experts told why adultery is not always just about sex and sometimes going to the left can benefit both.

— Cheating, in my experience, is an almost inevitable situation that any family has to face. If there are problems in relationships, the risk of cheating increases and they can perform a different function. Starting from finding a new partner with whom you can build a satisfying relationship, and ending with the preservation of the marriage, no matter how paradoxical it sounds. Very often, the situation of triangulation, when there is a connection on the side of either the husband or the wife, saves the marriage itself. A lover or mistress psychologically takes on those functions that are not performed in family relationships, and this saves the family. As a rule, they themselves do not realize this and expect that they will have their own family,” explains Nadezhda Vasilyeva, a psychiatrist, psychotherapist and candidate of medical sciences.

— I absolutely disagree with this. Moral attitudes are very important. There are men who do not consider betrayal a vice and perceive it as the norm. There are men who in childhood suffered psychological trauma associated with the departure of the father from the family / betrayal of the father by the mother. Because of this experience alone, they will not cheat. I would not say that there are any universal solutions. Here, rather, education and the level of sexuality. More often in men, this need is higher and it is more physiological, unlike women, who have a lot of emotions and feelings here. But this is not always the rule,” Nadezhda Vasilyeva comments.

— Infidelity itself has both a purely physiological component and a psycho-emotional one; it plays a big role for both men and women. Indeed, in order for women to have sexual relations, it is important to have a harmonious and comfortable emotional relationship with a man. Sex for the sake of sex for women is not a very characteristic story. Although, if we are talking about the emotional component, emotional support is also important for men, the ability to feel needed, desired and accepted. Therefore, we can say that both the emotional component and the biological one play a role for both women and men,” the psychotherapist believes.

Women do not always commit adultery just to find a new husband

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The expert explains that there is a concept of “sexual boredom”, when the emotional and sexual attraction of partners to each other is dulled . This happens to both men and women, but more often in men. In this situation, betrayal can be like a search for new sensations, feelings, and depending on the situation of the relationship in a couple, it can lead either to a break or to a new level.

According to the experience of sexologist Anastasia Arkashova, a common cause of male infidelity is the partner's weak intimate muscles.

— Almost every third person who comes to me for a consultation tells about the same thing: “Before, everything was great with us, we had sex every day, she got orgasms, she wanted me, she asked me, there was passion. And now I don’t feel her, she constantly doesn’t want, she doesn’t get orgasms. Of course, it is rare for men to think about some muscles, that there is a tone there. He meets a girl (usually younger) and reassures himself that the problem is not me. He has asserted himself and lives on happily, - the expert shares.

— Of course, I do not agree with this statement. It is impossible to seduce from scratch, or it will be some kind of maximum one-time contact. If a person created relationships on the side, he had a need, and in these relationships he satisfies this need. But there is a nuance - he himself may not be fully aware of it, - says psychotherapist Nadezhda Vasilyeva.

Sexologist Anastasia Arkashova believes that this statement helps the injured spouses engage in self-deception

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— If sex is satisfactory for both partners, it often occurs against the background of close emotional relationships. In this situation, the couple is more stable and the risk of cheating is reduced, but on one sexual aspect it is impossible to guarantee that you will avoid cheating. My patients quite often have situations that there are connections on the side for the purpose of friendly communication and emotional support, Nadezhda Vasilyeva shares.

What matters is the value and pain of cheating for you or your partner. According to the therapist, cheating is a situation to work with and not the end of a relationship.

— Very often, the painful perception of betrayal depends on what kind of life path you had before. For example, in the betrayal of a husband, there is not only pain associated with the current situation, situations that have been experienced before can add difficult feelings, Nadezhda Vasilyeva believes.

Sexologist Anastasia Arkashova believes that infidelity cannot be forgiven. She emphasizes that this is her personal opinion.

- One must value oneself, love and respect and not allow anyone to treat oneself badly.

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