Lately i feel so alone

How can I stop feeling lonely? | Isolation and loneliness

If you're reading this, chances are you know what it’s like to feel lonely. That means you know that loneliness can sometimes feel like it’ll never end, and that you can often be surrounded by friends and family and still feel cut off from the world. But loneliness isn’t something that you have to manage on your own, and though it might be hard, there are things you can do to feel more connected to people around you.

Why do people feel lonely?

Because loneliness is so common, it makes sense that there are also lots and lots of different reasons why people feel lonely. Here are a few of the main ones:

Feeling distant from friends. Ever felt like even though all of your friends are one tap of a button away, you’re still not really connected to them? Don’t worry: this is a very common feeling.

Being single. Whether it’s your friends all getting into relationships and dating, constantly seeing dating shows on TV, or feeling pressure from your extended family to bring someone home, it can feel like romantic relationships are at the front of everyone’s mind. It can be tough feeling like you’re missing out on something.
Not fitting in. Maybe you have different interests to the people at your school. Or maybe you just dress differently. In any case, feeling like you don’t fit can make the symptoms of loneliness even worse, and can mean it’s even more difficult to meet friends and feel connected.
Looking after a parent or sibling. Being the primary carer for someone close to you who is sick or has a disability can often make you feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. After all, a lot of your friends won’t know what it’s like to have a brother with Down’s syndrome, or a mother with bipolar, so being a carer can leave you feeling like you can’t really talk to people – let alone have them over for dinner or a sleepover.

How normal is it to feel lonely?

Recent research from ReachOut has shown that one in five young people reported feeling lonely 'most of the time' or 'always'.

So just because you’re feeling lonely, it doesn’t mean that you are different or ‘weird’: in fact, it means that you have more in common with the people around you than you realise.

Disability, illness, racism and loneliness

Sometimes loneliness can be caused by something else going on in our lives. Here are some of the major issues which can cause loneliness:

Mental illness. A lot of mental illnesses like bipolar, anxiety and depression can all make people feel very lonely. Mental illness can make you anxious about seeing others, so you might spend more time indoors. Or it can lead to insomnia, which in turn can make you tired, irritable and lonely.
Disability. A range of disabilities can often make people feel as though there is no one around them that cares. These feelings can get even worse if people in public are unkind or rude, and facing daily discrimination can make loneliness even harder to bear.

Racism. People who encounter racism say that being discriminated against can make them feel alone, and can make it harder for them to form real connections. Racism takes a lot of forms, all of them hurtful, so sometimes even a ‘minor’ or ‘casual’ act of racism can have big impacts on someone’s self-esteem.

When do people feel lonely?

Loneliness can hit anyone at any time. Sometimes you might not even feel lonely for an obvious reason, and what you’re experiencing could always be connected to other things like depression or anxiety.

But it's true that a lot of people tend to feel lonely during big life events. Maybe you’re moving house. Maybe your parents are getting separated. Maybe you’re going from primary school into high school. Or maybe you just feel like you’ve outgrown your friendship group, or that they’re starting to get into things that don’t really interest you.

All of these things could be making you feel lonely and lost, and you might find it hard to connect with people around you.

How do you manage loneliness?

There’s no one single way to fight loneliness: if there was, everybody would be using it! But that doesn’t mean that loneliness is impossible to beat, or that if you’re feeling it now you will be forever. Here are a few quick dot points that cover some of the ways you can start feeling more at peace with the people in your life:

Talk to people you trust about how you feel.
Think about your interests and hang out with like-minded people (check out your school or local community centre to see if there are any groups you might like).
Get a pet or try pet minding.
Get online and play a game or check out our Forums.
Say yes to any social invitations that might come your way.
Practise dealing with the feeling of loneliness by validating the emotion (e.g. ‘It’s okay I feel this way’, ‘Everyone feels this way sometimes’) and talking to yourself like a friend (‘I’m here for you, this will pass).

For more information on these steps, head over to ReachOut’s step-by-step guide for fighting loneliness that you can find here.

What can I do now?

Hop on the ReachOut Forums to connect with other people who might be feeling lonely.
Call a friend and suggest a movie or a walk outdoors.
Read about making friends.

Explore other topics

It's not always easy to find the right place to start. Our 'What's on your mind?' tool can help you explore what's right for you.

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What To Do When You're Feeling Alone

I Feel Lonely: What To Do When You’re Feeling Alone

Human beings are instinctively social animals. It is natural for us to feel alone or lonely when we are isolated from others. As a tribal species, our brains adapted to rely on social connections as a means to survive. In fact, according to neuroscientist John Cacioppo, who has made a career out of studying loneliness, “The absence of social connection triggers the same, primal alarm bells as hunger, thirst and physical pain.”

Put simply, “Humans don’t do well if they’re alone.”

However, modern life, with all of its conveniences, has led to a sharp increase in isolation. As a result, loneliness is on the rise. According to Cacioppo, “The percentage of Americans who responded that they regularly or frequently felt lonely was between 11% and 20% in the 1970s and 1980s… The American Association of Retired Persons(AARP) did a nationally representative study in 2010 and found it was closer to 40% to 45%.”

When we find ourselves becoming isolated, we should take that as a warning sign that we may turning against ourselves in some basic way. The path of isolation leads to loneliness, despair, and even depression.

When we feel lonely, we often tend to beat ourselves up and think that something is just wrong with us. The more alone we feel, the more we start to have thoughts of not belonging or of feeling rejected by others. Left alone with our thoughts, we become our own worst enemy. An isolated space is the perfect breeding ground for negative, self-critical thoughts. These thought patterns make up the “critical inner voice (CIV),” an internalized enemy that leads to self-destructive thought processes and behaviors. This inner critic feeds into our feelings of isolation, encouraging us to avoid others and remain in a lonely state.

Although our critical inner voices may tell us otherwise, in reality, there is nothing inherently wrong with us that leads us to be lonely. It is a common misconception that people are lonely because they have poor social skills. In fact, new research shows that lonely people have perfectly adequate social skills and even out perform non-lonely individuals when it comes to reading social cues. However, when “social pressure” is introduced to social skills tests, lonely people often begin to choke. They start to feel very anxious or fear failure. In essence, their self-limiting beliefs or critical inner voices interfere with their natural social abilities.

Loneliness is not quantified by the amount of time we spend alone, but rather by how we feel about the time we spend alone. Cacioppo defines loneliness, as “perceived social isolation, or the discrepancy between what you want from your social relationships and your perception of those relationships.” Feeling lonely can trigger thoughts that we are unloved or unlikeable. Your critical inner voice will come up with a nasty list of reasons that you are lonely, viciously attacking you and the people around you. For example, you may attack yourself for being “awkward” or “creepy” and then act quiet in a group of people. Subsequently, you may then attack yourself for not talking enough. These thoughts reflect a hostile and unfriendly point of view toward yourself. Treat these thoughts like they were coming from an external enemy, and do not tolerate them.

There are several factors that lead individuals to feel lonely. The main causes of loneliness being:

Heredity – According to John Cacioppo, “Loneliness is about 50% heritable, but this does not mean loneliness is determined by genes. What appears to be heritable is the intensity of pain felt when one feels socially isolated.” Depending on their genes, some people are more likely to feel more pain or perceive themselves as more alone when they are out of touch from others.
Environment – Loneliness is often triggered by one’s environment. If one lives in an isolated area or has recently moved to a new location, they are more susceptible to loneliness. Furthermore, moving to a new country or studying abroad, where language or cultural barriers can complicate social interactions can also lead people to feel more alone.
Circumstances – Painful life circumstances, such as divorce or loss, can increase feelings of loneliness.
Thoughts & Attitudes – The way we think and feel about ourselves and the world around us can also trigger loneliness.

There are other psychological and developmental factors that can lead to feeling alone. Severely lonely individuals often report:

History of abuse
Hostile/intrusive or withdrawn/misattuned parents
Disorganized or anxious ambivalent attachment style and problems with communication
Internalization of parent/ attachment figures
Feelings of hostility or helplessness

Although, temporary times of loneliness are common and can pass quickly, loneliness can be a chronic condition with serious, harmful effects on both one’s physical and mental health. The effects of long-term loneliness on psychical health include, diminished sleep quality, weakened health, and even increased mortality. While the effects on one’s mental health include depression, timidity, misremembering, and focus on exclusion rather than inclusion (which perpetuates the critical inner voice).

Studies are now showing that a lonely brain is structurally and biochemically different. The neural response to positive events and images get suppressed, so the world is perceived through a negative filter. When we are lonely, we are more likely to see things as hopeless. We may feel that the world around us is threatening or beyond our control. This makes it difficult to summon up the energy and courage to find happiness and change.

A Way Out of Loneliness

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In this Webinar: Learn about the psychological roots of loneliness. Overcome the critical inner voice that perpetuates feelings of isolation. Challenge the psychological…

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Loneliness is not a helpless condition. There are actions you can take to combat feeling alone and begin to have more meaningful, social connections in your life.

Challenge Your Inner Critic

In their research, father and daughter psychologists Drs. Robert and Lisa Firestone found that the most common negative thought people have toward themselves is that they are “different from other people.” These self-limiting beliefs can keep you stuck in a cycle of loneliness. Your critical inner voices try to keep you from challenging yourself to step outside your comfort zone, then stab you in the back for avoiding taking action. When you hear these self-attacks, it is vital that you do not allow them to manipulate your behavior. Acknowledge your feelings of loneliness and isolation without judgment, saying to yourself “I feel lonely right now, but I am not going to give in to my critical inner voice and beat myself up about it.” Instead, you can learn to challenge your inner critic.

Learn how to Overcome Your Inner Critic in this online course.

Practice Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is the radical act of treating yourself with the same kindness that you would treat a friend. Researcher Dr. Kristen Neff has found that self-compassion leads to “greater emotional resilience, more accurate self-concepts, [and] more caring relationship behavior. ” According to Dr. Neff, self-compassion involves three main elements. Let’s break these elements down in relation to combatting loneliness:

Self-kindness Vs. Self-judgment – “Self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism,” Dr. Neff says. When we feel isolated or alone, we can choose to have compassion for ourselves. We can recognize our emotions without judging them, perhaps saying to ourselves, “I’m really hurting right now.” Denying the reality of our pain only leads to more suffering and frustration. “When this reality is accepted with sympathy and kindness,” says Dr. Neff, “Greater emotional equanimity is experienced.” When we accept where we are at and what we are struggling against, without berating ourselves, we can then begin to change.

Mindfulness Vs. Over-identification with thoughts – According to Dr. Neff, “Self-compassion also requires taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated.” You can observe your negative thoughts without accepting them as truth or allowing them to dictate your actions. Mindfulness teaches us not to over-identify “with thoughts feelings , so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.” If you are feeling lonely, be wary of labels; you are not “alone,” a “loser,” a “recluse,” “bad at making friends,” etc. Embrace the non-judgemental nature of mindfulness.

Common humanity Vs. Isolation – Even when you are feeling isolated from others, you can begin to recognize your common humanity. ALL humans suffer. ALL humans are wired for social connection and will feel pain when they feel emotionally isolated from others. “The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect,” says Dr. Neff, “Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to ‘me’ alone. ” Even though you are feeling lonely, it is important to recognize that you are not alone in this pain. Just look at the comment section below. The world is full of lonely people.

Read about The Many Benefits of Self-Compassion

Take Steps to Break Free From Isolation

Come up with a plan and begin to take steps to break free from isolation. Ask yourself the following questions:

When do I feel the most alone?

When do I feel the least alone?

What activities do I most enjoy?

Is there anyone I feel good spending time with? List their names.

Now think about some concrete ways to address your answers to those questions:

How can you feel less alone at those lonely times? Can you reach out to a friend? Join an online chat community? Find a healthy way to distract yourself from the loneliness, like exercise, meditation, or even temporarily playing a distracting video game?

Why do you think you feel less alone at certain times? How can you expand on those positive times? For example, if you feel good at work, maybe you could spend more time with your coworkers or find hobbies like volunteering that build on similar skills you enjoy sharing at work.

Are the activities you enjoy social? If so, how can you participate in these activities more? If the activities are isolated, how can you connect with others who enjoy these activities? The Internet is an incredible resource for building community with people around the world who share your interests. People who use the Internet to really connect with others are less likely to feel lonely.

If there are friends, coworkers, or family members that you feel good being around, make plans to spend more time with them. Think of activities you could do together or things you could share on a more regular basis.

Because our brains do not respond positively to seclusion, place yourself in social settings, even if you are among strangers. If you feel shy in public, try going online. Interacting on the Internet may be a good first step in giving you the confidence to express yourself. Fight hard against the critical inner voices that try to talk you into isolating yourself.

Practice Generosity

One of the best actions we can take to counteract the hopelessness we may feel is to think outside of ourselves. Generosity is a natural repellant against self-hatred. Believe beyond all doubt that you have something to offer! Volunteering is a great exercise in thinking outside yourself and often gives you the opportunity to connect with new people. Even little acts of generosity can have a significant impact. Generosity, as a principle, can lead to stronger self-esteem, which then leads to more social behavior.

To learn more about where loneliness comes from and how you can combat it, watch our Webinar on A Way Out of Loneliness

If you are feeling isolated and may be experiencing symptoms of depression, here are some helpful resources:

National Institute of Mental Health – Depression
Depression.com
WebMD – Depression
Helpguide.org – Depression
Depression-Screening.org

GET HELP: IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS IN CRISIS OR IN NEED OF IMMEDIATE HELP, CALL 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
This is a free hotline available 24 hours a day to anyone in emotional distress or suicidal crisis.

International readers can click here for a list of helplines and crisis centers around the world.

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Tags: alone, depression, isolated, isolation, loneliness, lonely, loss, sad

Why we are lonely: 6 reasons

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Know yourself

“I am fine, but I constantly feel lonely, although I am not alone,” most people can ascribe such a phrase to themselves. Where does this feeling come from and why are there so many of us lonely?

Now we can answer these questions. Research by the Red Cross in the UK has shown that one in five Brits feel lonely. Other studies show that chronic loneliness is bad for health and can shorten life expectancy. Fortunately, we are now well aware of this influence.

Most people whose experiences were ignored by their parents as children end up feeling lonely as adults. It seems to many that there is nothing wrong with the fact that adults do not respond to the emotions of the child.

However, this upbringing deprives him of important parts of the foundation on which relationships with others are built.

The consequences of neglecting emotional needs continue to affect adulthood, creating feelings of alienation and other problems.

Reasons why you feel lonely:

1. Your family did not talk heart to heart. It happens that relatives are very good at discussing plans for the future and practical issues, but if someone is sad and hurt, family members seem to scatter. Yes, it's hard to talk about painful experiences. This needs to be learned.

And if it was not customary in your family to discuss feelings seriously, you may simply not be able to do this. And because this skill is essential for building meaningful relationships (both friendships and loves), you find it difficult to connect with others, and as a result, you suffer from loneliness.

2. Your parents criticized your feelings, and you began to shut yourself off from the experience in order to survive. As a child, you adapted to the conditions of life in the family, learning to suppress emotions so as not to burden your parents with them. But feelings are a kind of glue that binds people and allows them to build meaningful relationships. Without them, it is difficult to build those deep and lasting emotional bonds that everyone needs.

3. If your parents didn't see your feelings, they seemed to send a signal every day: "No one needs your feelings." Since feelings are the deepest and most natural manifestation of ourselves, we hear this message in a different way: “No one needs (needs) you yourself.”

Adults whose feelings were neglected in childhood feel, deep down, that they are less important than others. They sacrifice feelings, needs, and needs for the benefit of those around them. If you consider yourself worse than others, you seem to live in a separate world.

4. Another message your subconscious was receiving: "If something is wrong with your feelings, then so is you." A person who grew up in a family where his feelings were not considered, from childhood feels deeply flawed. Because of this, he is afraid to open up to others, because he is afraid that they will see his insignificance.

Therefore, he maintains a "safe" relationship, but they do not bring satisfaction

5. You tried all the time to ask your parents for emotional help, which is completely natural, but did not receive it. Now, as an adult, you are afraid to seek emotional support from others. You are afraid to experience disappointment or rejection, so you rely only on yourself. Your motto is "I can do it myself." But being afraid to ask for help, you isolate yourself from others and, again, feel lonely.

6. You find it difficult to explain to loved ones that your emotional needs were neglected as a child. Because of this, it may seem to you that only you have suffered from such problems and no one can understand you.

But you are not alone. In fact, countless people are experiencing the same thing. Most of them seem to be healthy, resilient people. You meet them in the store, in the office, even at the festive table.

It is necessary to learn to take care of your emotions. After all, then you yourself will be able to give yourself that love and affection that was not enough in childhood. Once you decide to take this path, there will be no going back. Life will become richer, relationships will begin to bring joy, and your suffering from loneliness will end!

Text: Nikolay Protsenko Photo Source: Getty Images

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What to do if you feel lonely: 10 valuable tips

The coronavirus pandemic has awakened a previously known but invisible epidemic of loneliness in the world. But this is serious - people deprived of regular contact can become victims of serious diseases. In the body of socially isolated people, inflammatory reactions intensify: the body also reacts to stress, injuries, infections, and other threats to life and health. Healthline experts shared valuable tips on what to do if you feel lonely.

Rethink everything

Feelings of loneliness are easier to deal with if you look at it in a different light.

Many were left alone due to quarantine restrictions, someone was simply left unsatisfied in social interaction and human relationships.

People may have different needs in interacting with other people. For example, if you feel lonely knowing that you have so many close friends, that's okay. There is also nothing wrong with the fact that you are quite comfortable spending most of your time alone.

Simply put, you don't need to "load" yourself with thoughts like "why do I feel lonely", but look at it all differently. Time alone with yourself is also important. Loneliness creates opportunities for self-discovery, creative thinking and self-reflection.

Fill your home with sound

If you feel like you're being crushed by empty space at home, the force of the sound can push it away.

Music can cheer you up and motivate you, while audiobooks can distract you and become a "temporary escape" from reality.

Podcasts and talk radio are both informative and entertaining, and their conversational atmosphere can also create a sense of connection.

A favorite TV show or movie can comfortingly break the silence, even if you don't sit down and watch it in its entirety.

Open windows will help you feel more connected to the world at large, especially if you can hear birdsong and street noise clearly.

Stay in touch

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In the 21st century, you can always keep in touch with a person, even if you don't see them in person.

Many relationships (romantic, friendly and related) can be broken because of a long silence. No one says that you need to call a person every day or text him every five minutes, but at least the occasional connection with loved ones will let you know that you are not alone.

Even a ten-minute phone call can help alleviate loneliness.

Get the most out of your interactions with people

Just spending time with other people doesn't always get rid of loneliness, because the quality of your interaction matters more.

Experts recommend doing the following to improve the quality of your conversation:

Share your emotions and personal experiences.
Ask questions and listen carefully to what your loved ones have to say.
Talk about important things - work, creative projects, mutual interests.

This can help focus your conversations on things that bring you both joy, instead of focusing entirely on negativity or bad news.

Go outside more often

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A change of scenery can distract you and help ease the pain of loneliness.

Of course, quarantine restrictions do not allow you to fully enjoy all the delights of your usual social life, but a simple walk in good weather will help you. Time in nature eases emotional distress and improves overall well-being.

A good "discharge" of accumulated emotions can be physical exercises with a friend in nature - this way you can combine business with pleasure.

Also, according to research, it will be useful to listen to simple birdsong - it has a positive effect on well-being.

If thoughts of loneliness often torment you at night, walking will solve the problem, as they are very tiring and help you sleep well.

Talk about your feelings. There's nothing wrong with that

Emotions tend to build up and intensify when they go unnoticed, so expressing your feelings out loud can really help you.

By speaking out about your problems, you can get much-needed emotional support. Talking about difficult or unsaid topics can also be akin to lifting a weight off your shoulders. Just try.

If sharing painful and unwanted emotions with others is difficult, keeping a diary can be an alternative.

Unleash your creative side

A disadvantage can always be turned into an advantage - who knows, maybe solitude will reveal a talent in you that you previously did not suspect?

Creative activities (music, art) help people overcome isolation and feelings of loneliness. They also induce a sense of satisfaction.

Artistic effort helps to express emotions - this is especially useful when you find it difficult to express them out loud.

Freepik

The main thing in the search for a creative personality within oneself will be the search for a suitable channel. A person who does what he loves and goes headlong "into the zone" never suffers from loneliness.

Experts note that you can distract yourself not only with creativity - do what you like. It could be yoga, cooking or playing video games.

Researchers from the University of Oxford found that games do not cause emotional addiction in players, but on the contrary ㅡ can improve your mental health and overall well-being.

Take a break from social media

While social media often seems like an attractive way to keep in touch with loved ones, sometimes it can only increase feelings of loneliness.

A happy, carefree post from a loved one can give the impression that they don't miss you as much as you do. When you are alone, seeing others having a good time can be frustrating.

Of course, social media never shows the full picture, so you can't find out how your loved ones feel without asking them.

In short, it never hurts to close these apps and instead make a quick call or text message to your loved one.

Get a pet

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According to scientists, a pet has a great effect on a person's mental health.

The presence of another living creature can comfort you, and their antics can lift your spirits and relieve stress, as thousands of pet videos on the Internet confirm.

You don't have to limit yourself when choosing a pet. Most importantly, be sure to find out what kind of care your potential pet will need before bringing them home.

Remind yourself that this is not forever

As overwhelming as it may be, loneliness will not last forever. Recognizing this fact can sometimes bring some relief.

Over time, coronavirus vaccines will become widely available and schools will reopen to in-person classes. You will reconnect with friends and loved ones and meet new people (and potential partners) again.

The loneliness that has nothing to do with the pandemic will also pass.

Learn more