In relationship with narcissist

Types, Signs, and Treatment Options

Since writing Codependency for Dummies, countless people have contacted me about their unhappiness and difficulties in dealing with a difficult loved one — frequently a narcissistic partner or parent who is uncooperative, selfish, cold, and often abusive.

Partners of narcissists feel torn between their love and their pain, between staying and leaving, but they can’t seem to do either. They feel ignored, uncared about, and unimportant. As the narcissist’s criticism, demands, and emotional unavailability increase, their confidence and self-esteem decrease. Despite their pleas and efforts, the narcissist appears to lack consideration for their feelings and needs. Over time, they become deeply hurt and frustrated that despite their pleas and efforts, the narcissist appears to lack consideration for their feelings and needs.

When the narcissist is a parent, by the time their children reach adulthood, the emotional abandonment, control, and criticism that they experienced growing up has negatively affected their self-esteem and capacity for achieving success or sustaining loving, intimate relationships.

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

The term narcissism is commonly used to describe personality traits among the general population, usually someone who is selfish or seeks attention. Actually, a degree of healthy narcissism makes a well-balanced, strong personality. On the other hand, a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is much different and requires specific criteria that must be met for a diagnosis. It only affects a small percentage of people, more men than women. As described here, someone with NPD is grandiose (sometimes only in fantasy), lacks empathy, and needs admiration from others, as indicated by five of these summarized characteristics:

A grandiose sense of self-importance and exaggerates achievements and talents.
Dreams of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Lacks empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
Requires excessive admiration.
Believes he or she is special and unique, and can only be understood by, or should associate with other special or high-status people (or institutions).
Unreasonably expects special, favorable treatment or compliance with his or her wishes.
Exploits and takes advantage of others to achieve personal ends.
Envies others or believes they’re envious of him or her.
Has “an attitude” of arrogance or acts that way.

The disorder also varies from mild to extreme. But of all the narcissists, beware of malignant narcissists, who are the most pernicious, hostile, and destructive. They take traits 6 and 7 to an extreme and are vindictive and malicious. Avoid them before they destroy you. Email me at [email protected] if you would like a free “Checklist of Narcissistic Traits.”

Children of Narcissists

Narcissistic parents usually run the household and can do severe damage to the self-esteem and motivation of their children. Often they attempt to live vicariously through them. These parents expect excellence and obedience, and can be competitive, envious, critical, domineering, or needy. Although their personalities differ, the common factor is that their feelings and needs, particularly emotional needs, come first. As a result, their children learn to adapt, become codependent. They bear the responsibility for meeting the parent’s emotional needs, rather than vice versa.

Whereas their parents feel entitled, the children feel unentitled and sacrifice and deny their own feelings and needs (unless they, too, are narcissistic). They don’t learn to trust and value themselves and grow up alienated from their true selves. They may be driven to prove themselves in order to win their parents’ approval, but find little motivation to pursue their wants and goals when not externally imposed (e.g., by a partner, employer, teacher).

Although they may be unaware of what was missing in their childhood, fear of abandonment and intimacy continues to permeate their adult relationships. They’re afraid of making waves or mistakes and being authentic. Used to seeking external validation, many become pleasers, pretending to feel what they don’t and hiding what they do. By reenacting their family drama, they believe their only choice is to be alone or give up themselves in a relationship.

Often adult children of narcissistic parents are depressed, have unacknowledged anger, and feelings of emptiness. They may attract an addict, a narcissist, or other unavailable partner, repeating the pattern of emotional abandonment from childhood. Healing requires recovery from codependency and overcoming the toxic shame acquired growing up in a narcissistic home.

Partners of Narcissists

Partners of narcissists feel betrayed that the considerate, attentive and romantic person they fell in love with disappeared as time went on. They feel unseen and lonely, and long for emotional connection. In varying degrees, they find it difficult to express their rights, needs, and feelings and to set boundaries. The relationship reflects the emotional abandonment and lack of entitlement they experienced in childhood. Because their boundaries weren’t respected growing up, they’re highly sensitive to criticism and defenseless to narcissistic abuse.

As their relationship progresses, partners admit feeling less sure of themselves than they once did. Uniformly, their self-esteem and independence steadily decline. Some give up their studies, career, hobbies, family ties, or friends to appease their partner. For more about narcissistic relationships, listen to my talk.

Occasionally, they experience remembrances of the warmth and caring from the person with whom they first fell in love — often brilliant, creative, talented, successful, handsome or beautiful. They don’t hesitate to say that they’re committed to staying in the relationship, if only they felt more loved and appreciated. For some people, divorce is not an option. They may be co-parenting with an ex, staying with a spouse for parenting or financial reasons, or they want to maintain family ties with a narcissistic or difficult relative. Some want to leave, but lack the courage.

Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissists use defenses to hide their deep and usually unconscious shame. Like bullies, they protect themselves through aggression and by wielding power over others. Malignant narcissists are maliciously hostile and inflict pain without remorse, but most narcissists don’t even realize they’ve injured those closest to them, because they lack empathy. They’re more concerned with averting perceived threats and getting their needs met. Consequently, they are unaware of the hurtful impact of their words and actions.

For example, one man unbelievably couldn’t understand why his wife, whom he had long cheated on, wasn’t happy for him that he had found joy with his paramour. It was only when I pointed out that most women wouldn’t be pleased to hear that their spouse was enjoying sex and companionship with another woman that he suddenly grasped the error of his thinking. He had been blinded by the fact that he’d unconsciously sought his wife’s blessings because his narcissistic mother never approved of his girlfriends or choices.

Narcissistic abuse can include any type of abuse, whether physical, sexual, financial, mental, or emotional abuse. Most often it involves some form of emotional abandonment, manipulation, withholding, or other uncaring behavior. Abuse can range from the silent treatment to rage, and typically includes verbal abuse, such as blaming, criticizing, attacking, ordering, lying, and belittling. It may also include emotional blackmail or passive-aggressive behavior. If you’re experiencing domestic or intimate partner violence, read The Truth about Domestic Violence and Abusive Relationships and seek help immediately.

Treatment

Not many narcissists enter therapy unless they’re pressured by a partner or suffer an extreme blow to their image or self-esteem. As described in my peer-reviewed article, treating a narcissist requires considerable skill.

However, even if the narcissist refuses to get help or change, your relationship can markedly improve by changing your perspective and behavior. In fact, learning about NPD, raising your self-esteem, and learning to set boundaries are just a few of the many things you can do to significantly better your relationship, as described in Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Your Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People. These steps are equally applicable to a relationship with anyone highly defensive or abusive. You’ll strengthen your self-esteem and learn how to communicate effectively. This workbook includes a quiz for narcissism and also sets forth criteria that can help you decide if you’re considering ending a relationship with a narcissist. It’s available on my website, at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and at Smashwords in formats for iPad and other devices.

©Darlene Lancer 2016

Narcissistic man and girlfriend photo available from Shutterstock

In a Relationship with a Narcissist? A Guide to Narcissistic Relationships

In a Relationship with a Narcissist? What You Need to Know About Narcissistic Relationships

Narcissistic relationships are formed when one or both partners struggle with a narcissistic personality. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is defined by The Mayo Clinic as “a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.”

We live in an increasingly narcissistic world. Hard statistics and science are pointing in this direction. The “look at me” mentality that is often promoted by social networks like Facebook has people positively enamored with the image they present to the world. In addition, we may now be seeing the negative effects of the self-esteem movement on a larger scale. So how does this rise in narcissism impact our personal relationships? For one thing, more narcissism means more narcissistic relationships.

Professor Brad Bushman of the Ohio State University put it bluntly, when he said: “Narcissists are very bad relationship partners.” Studies show that in a narcissistic relationship, your partner is more likely to engage in manipulative or game playing behaviors and less likely to be committed long-term. A relationship with a narcissist can be hard to cope with. To shed light on the common outcomes, struggles, and effects of a narcissistic relationship, we’ve interviewed psychologist and author Dr. Lisa Firestone.

How Can You Tell if You Are in a Narcissistic Relationship?

When thinking about narcissism, I’m often reminded of the joke when someone goes on and on about themselves, then interrupts with, “But enough about me, how do you feel about me?” If your partner is all about themselves, always needing attention and affirmation, he or she may be a narcissist. If someone is easily slighted or over-reactive to criticism, they may also be a narcissist. If they feel they are always right, that they know more, or that they have to be the best, etc., these are also signs of narcissism. Narcissistic individuals may only appear to care about you when you are fulfilling their needs or serving a purpose for them. A narcissistic relationship can lead to a lot of emotional distress.

It is estimated that around 1% of population suffers from NPD. However, many people who have NPD do not seek treatment and therefore are never diagnosed. Studies show that men are more likely to be narcissistic. Roughly 75% of the individuals diagnosed with NPD are men. Although almost everyone has some self-centered or narcissistic traits, most people do not meet the criteria for having a personality disorder. There is, however, a growing portion of the population that is displaying a greater number of toxic, narcissistic traits, which are having an adverse effect on their lives and the lives of people close to them, even if they do not meet the clinical diagnosis of NPD. Forming attachments to individuals who exhibit these negative traits often causes similar distress as a diagnosable narcissistic relationship.

A new study from Ohio State University has found that one simple question can identify narcissists as accurately as the 40-item test that has been widely used to diagnose NPD. The question is simple, rating yourself on a scale of 1-7: “To what extent do you agree with this statement: I am a narcissist. (Note: The word ‘narcissist’ means egotistical, self-focused and vain.)” You can even try out this free interactive narcissism quiz. However, while this study suggests that many narcissists will freely admit to their narcissistic tendencies, it is important to note that most narcissists resist the diagnosis of NPD. Narcissists, generally, do not like to be told that they are narcissists. In fact, they often have a strong negative and volatile reaction.

Below are some common traits that a narcissistic relationship partner is likely to have: (Note the degree to which these traits manifest themselves will vary largely depending on the individual.)

Sense of entitlement or superiority
Lack of empathy
Manipulative or controlling behavior
Strong need for admiration
Focus on getting one’s own needs met, often ignoring the needs of others
Higher levels of aggression
Difficulty taking feedback about their behavior

Why do people become narcissistic? Is it a symptom of something else?

Narcissistic people often have narcissistic parents, who offered them a build up but no real substance. Their parents wanted them to be great, so they could be the parent of a great person, the best artist, smartest student, etc. Often narcissistic people were also neglected, as their parents were so focused on themselves that they could not attune to their child or meet their child’s emotional needs. The child was only useful to these parents when they were serving a purpose for them. Often, the parents of a person with NPD alternated between emotional hunger toward the child and disinterest.

Narcissists have inflated self-esteem (both self-soothing and self-aggrandizing “voices”) a component of what my father, Dr. Robert Firestone, refers to as the “anti-self.” They are very fragile, because the flip side of their self-aggrandized feeling is very low self-esteem, the other component of the anti-self (made up of extremely self-hating and self-demeaning “critical inner voices”). So, for these people, even slight criticism can be a narcissistic injury, leading to an angry outburst and desperate attempts to regain their fragile, inflated self-esteem. Often, a condescending remark will help them to reestablish their superior image. Condescending is a common dynamic in narcissistic relationships. This behavior can be traced back to the need desperate need narcissists feel to be above others.

What are the different types of Narcissism?

While all narcissists are likely to show certain behaviors, not all narcissists are the same. In fact, there are two different types of narcissism, Grandiose Narcissism and Vulnerable Narcissism. These types of narcissism stem from different early childhood experiences andlead to different behaviors in a relationship.

Grandiose narcissists display high levels of grandiosity, aggression and dominance. They tend to be more confident and less sensitive. They are often elitists and have no problem telling everyone how great they are. Usually grandiose narcissists were treated as if they were superior in their early childhood and they move through life expecting this type of treatment to continue. In relationships, grandiose narcissists are more likely to openly engage in infidelity or leave their partners abruptly if they feel that they are not getting the special treatment that they think they are entitled to.

Vulnerable narcissists, on the other hand, are much more emotionally sensitive. They have what Dr. Campbell describes as a “fragile grandiosity,” in which their narcissism serves as a façade protecting deeper feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. Vulnerable narcissists swing back and forth between feeling superior and inferior. They often feel victimized or anxious when they are not treated as if they are special. This type of narcissism usually develops in early childhood as a coping mechanism to deal with abuse or neglect. In relationships, vulnerable narcissists often worry about how their partners perceive them. They can be very possessive, jealous and paranoid about their partners having flirtations or affairs.

How does a narcissistic partner negatively impact a relationship?

Narcissistic relationships tend to be very challenging. Narcissistic partners usually have difficulty really loving someone else, because they don’t truly love themselves. They are so focused on themselves that they cannot really “see” their partner as a separate person. They tend to only see the partner in terms of how they fill their needs (or fail to fill their needs). Their mates and children are only valued in terms of their ability to meet these needs. Narcissistic partners often lack the ability to have empathy with their partners’ feelings. This lack of empathy leads to a lot of hard feelings.

Yet many people are drawn to narcissistic relationships. Narcissistic partners can be very captivating, especially at the beginning. They tend to have a “big” personality. They are the life of the party. They can make you feel that you too must be great for them to choose you. However, in time, they can be too controlling in relationships. They may feel jealous or easily hurt. When narcissistic injuries occur, they often lash out and can be cutting. Their reactions are dramatic and attention-seeking. According to narcissistic personality expert, Dr. W. Keith Campbell, “The effects of narcissism are most substantial in relation to interpersonal functioning. In general, trait narcissism is associated with behaving in such a way that one is perceived as more likable in initial encounters with strangers— but this likability diminishes with time and increased exposure to the narcissistic individual.” This is why many people, who have been in a long-term narcissistic relationships, describe a very passionate and exciting honeymoon period in the beginning and then a sharp decline as the likability decreases and the self-centered behaviors increase. Narcissists are prone to falling madly in love with someone instantly and are very quick to commit. However, this initial love and commitment is not easily sustained.

When you are in a narcissistic relationship, you may feel very lonely. You might feel like you are just an accessory and your needs and wants are unimportant. Narcissistic partners act as if they are always right, that they know better and that their partner is wrong or incompetent. This often leaves the other person in the relationship either angry and trying to defend themselves or identifying with this negative self-image and feeling badly about themselves.

Read: Is There a Cure For Narcissism

What are some things a person can do to deal with a narcissistic partner?

If you find yourself in a narcissism relationship, you can first recognize what you have chosen and reflect on the unconscious motives that might have led you to choose such a partner. Did you have a self-centered parent? Are you more comfortable with your partner being in control, so you can then take be more passive? Do you get a sense of worth from being attached to someone who is in the spotlight? Does the negative image of yourself they foster with their criticisms and superior attitudes resonate with your own critical thoughts about yourself? Many people who fall in love with narcissists have issues around co-dependency. They will put up with a certain amount of abuse because they don’t feel confident enough in themselves to set boundaries or be on their own.

Understanding your role in the narcissistic relationship is important. You can then start to challenge yourself to change your half of the dynamic. This will, in turn, challenge your partner to change their style of relating. You can recognize the fragility of your partner’s self-esteem and have compassion for the fact that his or her inflated sense of self, superiority and grandiosity is a cover up for the flip side of self-hate and feelings of inadequacy. You can also develop your own self-confidence and self-worth by learning to practice self-compassion. Don’t be a victim. In all encounters, act equal, and treat your partner as an equal.

How can people face and overcome their own narcissism?

A narcissist can challenge and overcome their narcissism by recognizing and separating from both the self-soothing, self-aggrandizing and self-attacking attitudes of their critical inner voice. The attitudes they internalized very early on in their lives. They need to recognize and challenge these attitudes toward themselves and toward others. One method for doing this is through Voice Therapy.

Narcissists further need to differentiate from negative traits of their parents or early caretakers that they are still acting out in their current lives. These traits might include superior attitudes or condescending behaviors. They also need to give up the adaptations they made to the ways their own parents neglected them or were emotionally hungry toward them. These adaptations may have once been their survival mechanisms, but they now manage to push others away and sabotage personal lives and goals. Narcissists also need to break patterns of being self-centered or withholding. They must fight the tendency to always compare themselves to others and the need to be the “best” or “perfect” all the time.

Another way to cure narcissism is to foster self-compassion rather than self-esteem. Psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff has done extensive research on self-esteem versus self-compassion. The difference between self-esteem and self-compassion is that self-esteem centers on evaluating yourself in relation to others and emphasizes a need to be special. While self-compassion focuses on “treating oneself with kindness, recognizing one’s shared humanity, and being mindful when considering negative aspects of oneself.” Dr. Neff’s studies have found that self-esteem leads to higher levels of narcissism, but self-compassion does not. Self-compassion actually combats narcissism because it includes the idea of a shared humanity with all other human beings, which leads to more compassion for others. Self-compassion also fosters real self-awareness, a trait many narcissists lack, as it promotes that we be mindful of our faults, which is the first step to changing negative traits in yourself.

For there to be any hope of recovering a good relationship from a narcissistic relationship, the narcissist must overcome their self-centered and negative traits. They need to challenge their self-feeding habits and pseudo-independent stance. They need to focus on developing their capacity for empathy and respect of others. Lastly, they need to develop transcendent goals, to care about and invest in others’ well-being. Being generous and giving to others are examples of behaviors that would be corrective, building real self-esteem and practicing focusing outside of oneself.

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how to recognize and what to do

Not everyone knows that narcissistic personality disorder is not the same as narcissistic personality disorder or high self-esteem. You should know well who a narcissist is and why he is dangerous.

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If a guy posts too many selfies on his social media or constantly talks about himself on a first date, he's often called a narcissist. But you should not do this, because narcissistic personality disorder is a mental illness.

Signs of a narcissist

So, do not confuse narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). The symptoms of the latter are as follows:

inflated sense of self-importance;
excessive need for attention and admiration;
inability to empathize;
common relationship problems.

According to licensed psychotherapist Rebecca Wyler, NPD boils down to selfishness - the desire to get everything at the expense of others, as well as an inability to consider the feelings of other people. But remember, narcissistic personality disorder is not black and white. “Narcissism has its own spectrum,” says psychotherapist and author of The Self-Aware Parent, Fran Walvis.

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9 Official Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder

The latest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the US nomenclature for mental disorders, lists nine criteria for NPD, but five of them are sufficient for clinical recognition of narcissism. This list includes:

a grandiose sense of self-importance;
infatuation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;
a person's conviction that he is special and unique, the desire to deal only with high-ranking people and elite organizations and institutions;
need for excessive admiration;
feeling of being chosen;
the tendency to exploit others in relationships, in other words, to use other people to achieve one's own goals;
lack of empathy;
envy of a person towards others or belief that everyone envy him;
arrogant and arrogant behavior.

But even knowing the official criteria does not always allow one to identify a narcissist. The hardest thing to notice NPD in a person with whom you are in a romantic relationship. On a date with someone we like, rarely do any of us think: “Wait a minute, is this guy suffering from narcissism?”

But at the same time, we all dream of a healthy and long-term relationship that will make both us and our partner happy. So read about how a male narcissist behaves when he is about to have an affair - this information will come in handy. Only a qualified specialist can make a diagnosis, but there are red flags that you should pay attention to.

Relationship with a narcissist: how people with NPD behave

If you see that any of the above are familiar to you, be careful!

1. Narcissus is charming... But only at first

Everything starts like in a fairy tale. He constantly texts you, in the first month he confesses his love, promises to buy a tram, makes joint plans, showers compliments, says that he has finally found his soul mate, and your meeting is fate. Experts call all this "love bombing".

“Narcissists believe that they are worthy of relationships with special people and only such women can appreciate them,” says psychotherapist Nedra Glover Tawwab. “But as soon as you do something that disappoints them, they may turn their backs on you.” And, most likely, you won't even know what you did wrong.

Wyler advises: if the guy is too persistent at first, be on your guard. Of course, each of us is pleased to feel unique and unique. But communication and mutual understanding between people are not born in a few days - they must be nurtured and developed. “If it seems like a man doesn’t know you enough to truly love you, he probably does,” Wyler says.

2. The narcissist talks at length about how wonderful he is

“Narcissists love to talk about their own great accomplishments and accomplishments,” says psychotherapist Jaclyn Krol. “They do it because they feel better and smarter than everyone else, and also because it makes them look more confident.” Clinical psychologist Dr. Angela Grace adds that narcissists often exaggerate their achievements and embellish their talents in order to gain admiration and adoration from others.

Narcissists tend to be too busy with themselves to listen to other people. This, according to Grace, will become a red flag: firstly, the guy with NPD will constantly talk about himself, and secondly, he will never discuss your interests and preferences. Pay attention: what happens if you try to tell something about your life? Is he asking questions, trying to find out more? Or just waiting for the moment to be the center of attention again?

3. Narcissist lacks empathy

An inability to understand the other person's feelings is one of the hallmarks of narcissists, Walvis says. Pay attention to how your boyfriend reacts when you tell that you had a bad day at work or you had a fight with your parents. Does he empathize or frankly bored when you say that you are angry or sad? According to Walvis, a lack of empathy is the most common reason why relationships with narcissists end up falling apart, whether it's romantic love or friendship.

4. Narcissists have no real friends

If you look closely at a narcissist, you will notice that around him there are only casual acquaintances, friends with whom he chats, and enemies. People with NPD tend to have no loved ones, especially those with whom they have known and maintained relationships for many years. Therefore, a narcissist may be offended if you want to communicate with your friends. It is likely that he will even try to make you feel guilty: for example, he will begin to say that you devote little time to him.

Ask yourself the following questions:

How does your partner feel about someone they don't want anything from?
Does he have old friends?
Does he have a sworn enemy? If not, did he say that he would like to have one?

5. The narcissist feeds on your compliments

It may seem that narcissists are very self-confident. But according to Tawwab, most people with NPD actually lack self-respect. “They need a lot of praise, and if you don’t give it, they will seek it. That's what you're for: to tell them how wonderful they are,” she says.

“Narcissists use other people—usually those who are highly empathetic—to nurture self-esteem. Because of their low self-esteem, narcissists' egos are easily hurt, and therefore their need for compliments is great,” adds Marriage and Family Psychotherapist Shirin Peykar.

Pay attention: self-confident people do not need constant confirmation of their importance from others. “A person with NPD needs to be praised, but he himself flourishes by humiliating others,” says Peykar. As Weilar aptly puts it, narcissists punish everyone around them for their lack of self-confidence.

6. The narcissist constantly picks on you

At first it seems like a mild tease, but over time it becomes a constant background, and hairpins turn from good-natured to angry and rude. Suddenly, everything you do is subject to criticism, whether it's about choosing a profession or brushing your teeth.

“The goal of narcissists is to lower other people's self-esteem in order to raise their own, because it makes them feel powerful,” says Peykar. “They love reaction: it shows them that they have the power to influence the emotional state of another person.”

Pay attention: if your partner throws barbs when you have achieved something, then it's time to run. If a man says that your achievements are accidental or obtained through advantages, then there is a chance that you are dealing with a narcissist. “He wants you to remember that you are no better than him,” Tawwab explains.

7. The Narcissist Gaslights

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and emotional abuse that is the hallmark of narcissism. “Narcissists use gaslighting to make others doubt themselves. For them, this is a way to achieve superiority over others, ”explains Peykar.

You can read more about gaslighting here, but here are the signs that indicate that you are experiencing it.

Signs that you are a victim of a narcissist and gaslighted:

you no longer feel like the person you used to be;
you have become more anxious and less confident;
you often wonder if you are too sensitive;
you feel that everything you do is wrong;
when something goes wrong, you always think it's your fault;
you often apologize;
you feel something is wrong, but you don't know what;
you constantly doubt that your answer to your partner is correct;
you make excuses for your partner's behavior.

8. The narcissist thinks he is always right and never apologizes

Arguing with narcissists is impossible. “It will not be possible to reach a compromise with them. People with NPD don't see disagreements as disagreements. They just think they are teaching you some truth,” says Tavwab. Peykar thinks you might be dating a narcissist if you think your partner is:

can't hear you;
does not understand you;
takes no part of the responsibility for the problem;
never tries to compromise.

Weilar advises avoiding negotiations and arguments with narcissists. “People who suffer from NPD hate the lack of control and struggle. The less you resist, the less power you can give them over you, the better,” she says.

Since narcissists are sure that they are always right, they never "sink" to the point of apologizing - even in situations where they are clearly at fault. For example, your partner does not feel the need to say "sorry" if he was late for dinner and did not even call to warn about it, or canceled your joint plans at the last moment. Remember: normal people are able to understand that they did something wrong and apologize for it.

9. The narcissist does not want to make commitments

The narcissist expects you to treat him as his partner, and at the same time refuses you the same. You may notice how he flirts with someone, but if you talk about it as a sign of disrespect, you will be accused: “You made a storm in a glass of water, you are completely crazy!” But think about this: you deserve the same devotion that you give yourself.

10. The narcissist panics when you try to break up with him

Once you back off, the narcissist will do his best to get you back. “At first they may bombard you with love. They will say all the right things to convince you that they have changed,” warns Peykar. But very little time will pass, and it will become clear: you are still dealing with the same person.

11. Realizing that everything is over, the narcissist loses his temper

The narcissist will do everything possible to hurt you for leaving him. “Their ego is so badly hurt that they feel only rage and hatred. They believe that only other people are to blame for everything, including the breakup,” says Peykar.

What will be the result? The narcissist may say bad things to you, immediately start dating someone else to make you jealous, or even try to "steal" friends. The reason, Tawwab says, is that a good reputation means everything to them, and they won't let anyone or anything ruin it.

Okay, I'm dating a narcissist. What to do?

So, you realized that you are in a relationship with a person who has NPD. He constantly criticizes you, humiliates you and emotionally exhausts you. Experts recommend the obvious way out - to move away from it.

Here's how to prepare for breaking up with a narcissist:

Constantly remind yourself that you deserve better.
Strengthen relationships with friends who support you.
Gather around you those close to you who will help you critically assess reality.
Convince your partner to go to therapy.
See a psychotherapist yourself.

“You cannot change a person with narcissistic personality disorder or make them happy with your love. Don't change for him - that won't help either. He will never empathize with you, and you will always feel empty after interacting with them, says Grace. “Basically, you will never be enough for them, because they will never be enough for themselves.”

Grace thinks the best thing to do is end the relationship. At the same time, it is not worth explaining anything, much less giving a second, third or fourth chance. Most likely, the narcissist will pester you with calls and messages, and experts recommend blocking him on your phone, instant messengers and social networks so as not to change your mind.

In conclusion, we want to remind you that this article is not intended to diagnose your boyfriend. She describes unacceptable behavior that says that your union is far from a healthy and equal partnership. The presence of one, six or all 12 signs does not indicate that your significant other has NPD. Rather, it is a good reason to overestimate your relationship. You are not responsible for the behavior of other people, but taking care of yourself is your and only your task.

Are there any daffodils among your acquaintances?

Relationships with Narcissists: 11 Rules of Behavior

Psychologist and writer Shahida Arabi has been researching the topic of dysfunctional relationships for many years, writing self-help books for those who have experienced the destructive power of narcissists, studying the problems of emotional abuse and developing behavioral strategies for those who fell into the power of various "manipulation specialists".

In talking to "survivors of narcissists," the writer came up with a list of things to avoid if you're in a relationship with a similar partner. She reminds us that the patterns of behavior of such people are quite predictable, but we can maintain peace of mind if we do not count on their support and sympathy.

Here is a list of things to avoid when dealing with a toxic loved one, whether it be a colleague, partner, friend or relative.

1. Don't travel together

Those who have been in a relationship with a narcissist often talk about how their dream vacation turned into hell. And in some cases, we are even talking about a honeymoon, which, in theory, should be one of the most romantic events in a person’s life. Going with a partner to distant lands, narcissists create conditions in order to isolate him and fully show their dark sides.

If your companion has already behaved inappropriately: devalued you, tortured you with silence, humiliated and insulted you - be sure that the change of scenery will only provoke him, because where no one knows you, you will not be able to ask for support.

2. Do not celebrate special dates and favorite holidays together

Narcissists are known for their tendency to sabotage those events that can make their colleagues, friends and partners happy and divert attention from themselves, "great and terrible." Therefore, it is better for them simply not to know that an important day has come for you.

3. Avoid meeting friends in the company of a narcissist

Often people with a narcissistic personality type start flirting with new acquaintances at parties. Thus, they make the partner worry and compete for their attention. This can hurt your self-esteem, not to mention the fact that your mood will definitely deteriorate. “You will feel pain and alienation, because the narcissist charms the crowd, devaluing you,” explains Shahida Arabi.

It is important to remember that narcissists tend to create such relationships not only in the family, but also at work and in the therapist's office. They pit colleagues, relatives and acquaintances against each other in order to feel better and feel power over others.

4. Refuse to attend family holidays together

Narcissists can upset you in advance in order to put you in an unsightly light in front of your family: look, they say, how emotionally unstable she is! Meanwhile, they themselves look calm and balanced against your background. "Don't give them that chance! If a visit is unavoidable, try to remain calm,” warns Shahida Arabi.

5. Ignore "love bombing"

Love bombing, or love bombing, are actions that are aimed at accelerating the rapprochement, both emotional and physical, with a potential "victim" at the beginning of a relationship. You may be bombarded with letters and messages, you may be sent flowers and gifts - this is how a potential partner hopes to create a strong bond with you as soon as possible. But how well do you know him?

In a long-term relationship, such actions help to regain the partner's goodwill. The narcissist ignores or puts you down, but if you show that you are ready to "off the hook", he becomes abruptly gentle and caring. If you're getting bombed, try not to reply to every message right away, don't let the fan fill up all your time. This will give you the opportunity to rethink what is happening.

6. Give up financial relationships and contracts with narcissists

Don't lend them money or ask for financial help. Moreover, you should not enter into any legally formalized relationship with them. “You will always pay more for this than the narcissist,” the expert is sure.

7. Limit verbal communication

If you and the narcissist have any business or personal relationship, if he threatens, manipulates or blackmails, if possible, do not discuss this with him on the phone or in person. Try to contact via messages or mail. And if you still have to communicate in person, record what is happening on the recorder. In the future, these testimonies may be useful to you.

8. Do not visit a psychologist together and do not share your plans

If the partner shows signs of narcissism, it is better to refuse joint therapy. Unfortunately, anything you say in a specialist's office can be used against you. Instead, it is better to pay attention to yourself and go to a therapist on your own. In this way, you can work through your traumas and learn to resist the harmful influence of a narcissist.

It's also better not to tell him about your plans for the future: if you want to leave your partner, he can sabotage your attempts to leave him. It is better to prepare all the necessary documents first and find a safe haven, warns Shahida Arabi.

9. Don't call a narcissist a narcissist

If you "diagnose" your partner, you will face his anger. Even worse, he may try to punish you for your "impertinence". When narcissists realize that you doubt their superiority over you, they become furious and try to punish.

Narcissistic people do not accept any criticism, but they are ready to do a lot to regain power over their partner. Most likely, they will react to your words with either gaslighting or another "love bombing".

10. Do not share the most intimate with a narcissist

In a healthy relationship, we open up to our partner, and he accepts this with gratitude and participation. But if a narcissist finds out about your pain, fears and injuries, be sure: he will definitely use the information against you. Sooner or later, everything that he knows will help him make you look "abnormal", "unstable", "insane". When you think about sharing important experiences with new acquaintances, first consider: are these people worthy of your trust?

11. Don't ask a narcissist for help

Narcissists lack empathy. We know many stories of narcissistic partners abandoning and betraying their companions at the worst moments of their lives. These include husbands who have affairs while the wife is in custody, and wives who cheat on spouses who are seriously ill or have faced heavy losses. If you have a "support group" of friends or family, it's better to rely on them than someone with a narcissistic personality type, Arabi says.

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