Improve my marriage

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March 16, 2011 11:27

Do you want to quit everything? Marriage is bursting at the seams? Don't rush to divorce. There are ways to fix everything

Marriage is a lifelong projectPhoto: Evgeniya GUSEVA

Alisa Bowman is a popular psychologist, journalist, and blogger in the USA. Alice not only saved her own marriage, which was falling apart at the seams, but also helped thousands of couples avoid divorce and find happiness. We print an excerpt from Bowman's book “Long. Happily. Together” Find your “Long. Happily. Together” is a lot like gardening. You are sowing seeds. Watering. Weeding out the weeds. You bend your back. You scratch your knees. Worried about too much sun, rain, or both. Scolding the birds that ate your strawberries. You rejoice when something grows. Then you do more. You do because one berry that grows is worth all the hard work you put into growing those berries that didn't grow. nine0004

So is marriage. Do you work. You work hard. Something turns out to be successful. Something - no. If you persevere, you will constantly see something growing. You will enjoy the sweetest strawberries. This strawberry will be a new and improved sex life, closer relationships, the assurance that you are loved, appreciated and understood.

And even if nothing comes of it, even if you end up getting divorced, it will still be worth it. Your Marriage Project will teach you many important lessons about yourself and help you become strong and wise. nine0004

Below you will find my top tips for working on marriage. Please note that I am not a family counselor or a psychologist. I have no special education. Actually, in case you're wondering, I'm a journalist by trade.

Moreover, my girlfriends and thousands of other people who visit my blog think that I have a talent for giving advice to people about relationships. Your right to take my advice or not. I offer them on the following pages with only one desire: to share what was hard for me, so that it would be easier for others, including you. nine0004

Alice not only saved her own marriage, but also helped thousands of couples avoid divorce and find happiness

Step 1: Find yourself

It's easy to blame your unhappy life on your own husband. But the truth is that a person brings misfortune to himself. It comes from within. You are responsible for your mood, happiness and well-being. Taking care of you is not your husband's job. Taking care of yourself is your job. Your husband is here with you to support you in this. Use the following tips for happiness: • Nourish yourself. Fill yourself with energy so that you have something to give to your family and friends. nine0004

• Do whatever it takes to keep yourself healthy. Don't forget to recharge. Rest. Get enough sleep. Eat right. Improve your sex life. Do things you love more often. Make time for yourself on a regular basis.

• Find out what you like best and do it more often.

• Analyze your friendships. Make friends with those who understand and support you. Avoid destructive relationships based on causticity, indifference and competition. Build new relationships if necessary. nine0004

• Let go of guilt. It is impossible to be a good wife and mother if you forget about yourself. You must come first. Family is second. The kids are third. If the balance is upset, no one will be happy.

• Smile. You will look happy, and others are not indifferent to happy people. When people start to like you, it will cheer you up.

• Laugh. See point above.

• Learn to deal with sadness. She is not deadly. And won't last forever. Once you can get rid of the fear, you will feel more comfortable. nine0004

• Move on. Help others feel good and suddenly you will feel good too.

• Face your fears. The fear of failure is worse than failure itself. Have the courage to make your dreams come true. The more confidently you follow your dream, the happier you become. The more you hide from your dreams, the sadder you get.

• Learn to speak your mind and ask for what you need.

• Don't stop looking for yourself until you feel that you can be happy both single and married. Confidence that you are firmly on your feet will give you the courage you need to face and deal with problems in your marriage. nine0004

• For more information, consult the following books:

- Dan Millman, Way of the Peaceful Warrior;

- Leo Babouta "Easier is more efficient";

- Martha Beck "Like my North Star";

- Wayne W. Dyer "To live to live."

Step 2: Identify Your Problem

What works and doesn't work in your marriage? Look into your future. Imagine a beautiful day in a beautiful marriage. What is your husband doing? How do you communicate with each other? Imagine sex. Love. Happiness. All this together. nine0004

Then make a plan that will take you from point A, “Wish your husband dead,” to point B, “A wonderful marriage.”

Use the following tips to start your marriage project:

• When you find yourself thinking about your husband's death, don't waste your moral strength by feeling guilty about thoughts, fantasies, or emotions. It is better to spend them on finding a solution to the problem.

• Break big problems into small ones. Take short but sure steps towards your goal.

• Accept failure. You never know if a solution will work until you try it. If it doesn't work, learn the lesson and change course. nine0004

• Believe in what you have planned. Your brain will start coming up with all sorts of excuses why you shouldn't go to a family psychologist, express your point of view, etc. Ignore these excuses. If everything in your relationship is already worse than ever, how much worse can a new strategy worsen them? Start acting. Try to do something - anything.

• Believe in your future together. Without this faith, you will not be able to persevere when the going gets tough. And it will be difficult many, many times. nine0004

• Be patient. To turn a frog husband into a handsome prince, you need to do a lot more than just peck him on the cheek.

• Every day while working on the Project, wake up and say to yourself: “I chose to stay married. Today I choose to be married.” Marriage is a choice. Your choice. You are in control of the situation.

• If you suddenly want to quit everything, plunge into your imaginary world “For a long time. Happily. Together". Spend as much time there in fantasy as you need. And in the end, the fantasy will cease to be a fantasy. Eventually, it will become reality. nine0004

Step 3: Involve your husband

Tell your husband how you feel. Explain what you want to do and why. If he resists, insist. Use the following tips:

• Before starting a task, mentally imagine its consequences.

• Stay positive. Your brain will begin to come up with possible negative scenarios. Try to counter them with more realistic and at the same time more positive scenarios. nine0004

• If you are worried that you might get too excited, write down what you want to say. Then either read it aloud or ask your husband to read it.

• Talk to your husband about fantasies about his death. Say something like, "I'm so mad at you that I gave you pancreatic cancer." After that, you can talk about anger and frustration and move on to what you will do about it.

• Just make your demands to him if you really want to complete the Project. Don't make empty promises. nine0004

• Do this when you are calm. Maintain your tone at all times. Smile whenever possible.

• State why you feel unhappy. Try not to blame your husband for this. Offer a plan to change the situation. Ask for help.

• Set aside one evening a week and call it "problem-solving night." During this time, discuss one issue each of you has raised. Think together and try to make an expedient decision that suits both. Such evenings are not needed all the time, but at first they will be needed. Without them, it is much easier to ignore problems and delude yourself that they can disappear on their own. nine0004

Step 4: Forget old grudges

Everyone loves to accumulate grudges. If it wasn't, none of us would be doing this. Each time during a new quarrel, we disturb old wounds and say with this: “I am better than you. It's all your fault. See? See? Do you see?!"

But your husband cannot be to blame for everything. Some of it is your fault too. And more importantly, remembering old grudges gets in the way of a better marriage. If you get stuck in the past, you will never be able to create a better future. nine0004

Nobody argues, it's very hard to forgive. Actually very hard. But I got through it. This is how I let go of my resentments. I hope this helps you.

• Remind yourself that your guilt is also present. Your husband isn't perfect, but neither are you. When you look at yourself as someone who deserves forgiveness, it will be easier to see the same in your husband.

• Think of everything that has ever pissed you off. Write it down. Tell your husband in detail. Ask him to say "It's my fault." nine0004

• Think about it.

• Be patient. It takes time to see who your husband is now and forget who he was yesterday.

• Mentally note everything that he does right - so you can remind yourself how much he has changed for the better.

• Remember why you fell in love. If you can't remember right away, think longer until you remember.

• Write and exchange love letters.

Step 5: Have sex

If you don't want to have sex with your husband, something is wrong. You may have a health problem that makes sex painful. See a doctor. However, since you are reading this section of the book, I can guess that you do not want sex because: 1) you are indifferent to your husband; 2) you can't stand your husband. Something needs to be done about this.

Work on your marriage. You don't want to have sex with a man whose presence you can't stand. Talk to him about what's wrong. Then set a date for resuming your sex life. And when that day comes:

• Do your best to feel sexy on this day. Do waxing in the bikini area. Buy nice underwear. Buy a sexy little dress and shoes. Be sure to buy shoes.

• Keep working on your marriage.

• Learn to relax. Tension is another form of sexual preoccupation. If you feel like a corked bottle of champagne and almost ready to explode, learn to figure out what it is. My answer is you just need some sexual release. nine0004

• Have regular sex. The more you have a sexual relationship with your husband, the more sexually attractive he will become to you. Once you resume your sex life, do your best to keep it vibrant.

Continue your education. I highly recommend Ian Kerner's books She Comes First and He Comes First. I discovered both about a year after the end of the Project. If, like me, your husband does not like to read, take into account at least educational DVDs. The Sinclair Institute of Sexology has many to offer. nine0004

Also remember that attractiveness is much like fire. You have to constantly add fuel to keep it going. In the case of attractiveness, the fuel is experiment. You are already used to your husband. The thrill and novelty are gone. But you can recreate that thrill by experimenting in the bedroom (and out of the bedroom too!). Try new poses. Try new underwear. Try new places. Open the world of sex toys, role-playing games and erotica. Share your sexual fantasies with each other. Strive for something new. Have a good time. nine0004

Step 6: Learn to be romantic

Date. Touch each other. Hug. Say "I love you" and express your feelings in actions. Use the following tips:

• Think back to the early days of your relationship. What did he do then and don't do now? Think of your friends' husbands, especially those who are naturally romantic. How do they show romance towards their wives? Think of romantic men from movies and books. How do they take care of women? nine0004

• Reflect all of this in the Instructions for Romance.

• Show this guide to your husband. Ask to read.

• Whenever your husband does something from this manual, reward him with sex.

• Be more romantic yourself. Look at him. I mean, really look at him. Have you noticed how he looks lately? Check out his new haircut. Note how he looks in certain clothes. Consider it. Compliment him. Touch him. Smile. Say "Thank you" to him. nine0004

Step 7: Learn to speak out loud. ..but not too loud

Stop asking him to read his mind. He does not have psychic abilities. He never had and never will. Use the following tips:

• It's better to deal with problems sooner rather than later. If you leave it for later, it will become more and more difficult to solve it - it's like trying to scrape off the remains of food from dishes that have been sitting in the sink for a week.

• Don't expect things to get better on their own. You're not trying to win the lottery without buying a ticket. nine0004

• Before you start arguing with your husband, calm down. Go for a long run or walk. Call a friend and tell her all about him. Break the wine glass you received as a wedding gift in the sink.

• Then calmly deal with the issue. Tell your husband how you feel and why you feel that way. Discuss how to avoid a similar situation in the future. How do you want him to change his behavior? For example, to not talk to you in a raised tone, not to make fun of you in the presence of your girlfriends, or to pay more attention to children? nine0004

• Speak one at a time. If necessary, toss a coin on who to speak first. While one is talking, the other is listening. Make notes if necessary. Repeat to your husband what he just said. This will make you listen carefully.

• Focus on solving the problem, not just blaming your husband.

• As soon as you feel the tension building up, remind yourself that your goal is not to win. It's not a chess game. Your goal is to come to a common understanding. nine0004

• If tension continues to build up, repeat the following phrase to yourself over and over again: “Accept defeat. Give me the victory." And so be it. You will be stronger if you surrender than if you force you to submit. But you won't believe me until you try and experience it for yourself.

• And if you lose your temper and start swearing at your husband, forgive yourself for it. The ability to effectively convey information to other people is acquired through practice. It's like playing a musical instrument or playing sports - you need to constantly train. Keep going, and you'll be fine. nine0004

Step 8: Feel Understanding

Make it your goal to get to know your husband better than anyone else, and let him, in turn, get to know you better. Use the following tips:

• If he doesn't want to talk about the meaning of life, so be it. You didn't marry Yoda, after all. Your husband is human. Appreciate it.

• Instead of the meaning of life, find out what worries him the most. What are his hobbies? What does he love the most? How does he envision a perfect day? What are his favorite books and movies? What is he interested in on the Internet? What is his favorite food? Where would he like to travel? What life dream did he always want to fulfill? The answers to these questions will deepen your relationship. nine0004

• Avoid eye contact. It will be easier for him to talk about his feelings if you do not look at him. Talk in the car. For him, this is much less intimidating than a face-to-face conversation.

Step 9: Write a Oration for My Husband

As I look back on the dark days of my marriage, it is clear that my funeral fantasies helped save us. They helped me realize that our marriage was in great difficulty. Funeral fantasies led me to come up with a solemn speech. And the solemn speech made me realize that my husband is not 100% bad. I also advise you to write a solemn speech. It will help you remember why you appreciate your husband. nine0004

• Work on it a little each time. Surely your husband will live a long time. You don't have to complete it before the day of the funeral.

• Try to notice what he is doing right. For example, she feeds her cat every day because the smell of cat food makes you nauseous. Reflect it in a solemn speech.

• Think about what other people can admire about your husband. What good things could they say about him?

• Complete the sentence: “If someone really knew my husband, he would then know that he…”

• Think about how long you have known this man. When did he make you laugh? When did he make you cry with happiness? When did he surprise you? When did he do something out of character? Reflect it in a solemn speech.

Step 10: Repeat your attempts if necessary

You will be tempted to quit. The desire to work on marriage may disappear. You'll cry out to the sky, "Does it really have to be this hard?" Yes it is. Marriage cannot be permanently healed. This is a project of a lifetime. Deal with it. nine0004

We thank the Eksmo publishing house for the provided materials.

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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I bought fur - removed the sin. The husband must do what the wife wants, and the wife must do what she wants. All these and other "secrets" of family happiness turned out to be groundless. At least, psychologists from the University of Florida thought so and asked the question: if the strength of marriage is not in this, then what is? And they started a series of experiments, the purpose of which was to finally find out the secret of a strong marriage (details). nine0004

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How to Improve Your Marriage Start Here and See the Results Tonight / Sofa of Love

No one said marriage was easy. Marriage doesn't have to be a constant struggle either. It's time to change that with these 13 tips on how to improve your marriage.

In marriage, you should prioritize communication and relationships. I mean, you signed the paper. At least give it a solid shot. Now, this won't change overnight, but there are things that need to be done immediately if you want to know how to significantly improve your marriage. nine0004

How to improve your marriage

Relationships are hard work, they really are. Of course, when a marriage has a legal obligation to each other, that adds extra pressure. However, all relationships, whether they are married or not, require constant work. People think that after marriage the hard work is over. But in fact, it has only just begun. Again, this doesn't mean your marriage has to be like a job.

When you're trying to figure out how to improve your marriage, there are times when you work harder than others, but that's what happens when you get into a relationship. It's not just about you anymore. Now you have another person to think about and compromise. It's time to roll up your sleeves and get to work. nine0004

# 1 Make sure you fall asleep together. Going to bed is very important. This is usually the time when you talk about your day or what you will be doing tomorrow. It doesn't mean you have to have sex. Of course, if you want to have sex. The fact is that when you go to bed together, you feel a connection with your partner.

#2 Go without phone. Now, this doesn't mean you have to give up your phone entirely, but spend some time without your phone. Watch a movie with your partner, cook dinner, hug, have sex. Whatever you want to do together, do it without your phones. This is your time with your partner, your time to spend however you want without distractions. nine0004

# 3 Be kind. People become lazy when they are married. They stop showing affection, stop doing the little things that create a bond and make a person feel loved. Start with a more conscious effort in this department. Kiss your partner on a good morning, hold his hand while walking, surprise him with ice cream or Chinese food. Little things matter.

# 4 Communicate your emotions. Tell how you feel with your partner. If they did something you didn't like, tell them. Don't wait a couple of weeks because we all know what's going to happen. By then, you have put together a list of things that are bothering you. You are about to release them on your partner. This is unfair. If you have a problem, report it immediately. nine0004

# 5 Say you're sorry. This is a difficult question for many people. But listen, if you're screwed, you're screwed. Just admit it, apologize and move on.

Nobody wants to admit that they are wrong, but you are already an adult, so it's time to grow up and take responsibility for your actions. Being right doesn't matter, your relationship matters.

# 6 have sex. You will be surprised how sex solves many issues in marriage. After marriage, many couples have a sharply reduced sex life. Don't wait for your partner to make a move. Take the lead and surprise them with a quick or passionate kiss. Sex is extremely therapeutic for couples, it is something intimate and reconnects. nine0004

# 7 Know each other's schedules. This may sound a bit troubling, but it's important. I know you may not see the importance, but bear with me. You and your partner must stay on the same page. Also, if your partner doesn't care what you do during the day, that's a problem. You want them to be interested in your day and vice versa. This shows that you care about each other.

# 8 Communicate like partners. Non-business partners. Remember that now with text messages and email, it's easy to send a text to your partner that looks more like a business request. You don't want it. Yes, communicate with your partner, but do it with love. Add a couple of cute emojis at the end or flirt with them. nine0004

# 9 Add spices. This doesn't mean you change your hair or tie your hands to posts - of course you can. But you can also spice things up by simply wearing new underwear or sending them a naughty text/photo.

It's normal for a relationship to plateau when you've been together for a long period of time. This means that you need to work to bring back the flame.

# 10 Make a date night. You and your partner need time to hang out together. Now you can stay and watch a new movie or try something from home. Go to a play, go ice skating, or go to a new restaurant. The point is to do something new for both you and your partner. These dates will rekindle the bond. nine0004

# 11 Write your fights. If you are fighting with your partner, write about it. This will help you understand what happened and help you understand your partner.

You will see things that you could not see in the heat of the moment. Keep this letter for yourself and use it for your own self-awareness and self-development.

# 12 Don't say that right after the fight. It doesn't usually make people feel better. Instead, it raises the problem again and more often than not, makes it worse. You need a timeout and so does your partner. Go for a walk, go to sleep, watch a movie. Calm down and restore perspective. When you are emotional, this is usually not a good combination for conflict resolution. Take time and talk to them when you are calm. nine0004

# 13 It's all about quality. You can think about sex five times a day, kiss every two minutes and support each other in every free moment, which will help the relationship, but this is not always the case.

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