Ignoring a narcissist on his birthday

A Therapist Explains Why Narcissists Are Obsessed With Birthdays

Clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula specializes in narcissistic behavior and creates educational content with the aim of helping people identify the personality traits and manipulation tactics that frequently manifest in narcissistic relationships. In a new video, she covers a subject which can be a highly sensitive issue for narcissists; their birthday.

"Birthdays are already such a funny thing, especially for adults," she says. "Anybody who has a social media account gets blanketed with wishes on their birthday... Most healthy adults generally have a 'take it or leave it' attitude on their birthdays. Good people appreciate kind gestures that are made to them, but I don't know that all of them are waiting for a big cake and streamers, nor will they tantrum if they don't get those things."

While the way that a person chooses to celebrate—or not celebrate—their birthday is an entirely personal decision, Durvasula states that somebody with a narcissistic personality is almost certain to make a big deal of theirs.

"We know that on any day of the week, narcissistic folks want a lot of validation," she says. "A birthday is a sort of guaranteed validation day... Throughout that day, the narcissistic person may just keep looking at their device and drinking in all the adoration, sometimes even revelling in the idea that other people have to turn their days around them."

A narcissist's birthday, Durvasula explains, will frequently be a no-win situation. If you remember to wish them a happy birthday, they may downplay it and pretend not to care about such frivolous things. But if you fail to make a big enough deal of it, or forget entirely? That's where conflict can arise, and the narcissist may behave even more poorly than usual.

"So often, narcissistic folks can't win on their birthdays," she says. "They want that day to be something more grandiose and corrective, and it simply can't be. Over time, people in long-term relationships of any kind with narcissists may feel tense as that person's birthday approaches. "

On the other end of the spectrum, however, there are narcissists who don't like their birthdays because they are reminders of ageing, or they find them overly emotional. In these instances, any kind of thoughtful or emotional gesture is likely to be rejected harshly.

"Birthdays really take the narcissistic relationship and put it under the microscope," Durvasula adds. "The gift is either not right, too much, or too little. Any party you put together is either not right, too much, or too little... Let other people do the heavy lifting and send their birthday wishes. Be prepared that it is a day where you won't get it right, whether you remember it or not."

Philip Ellis

Philip Ellis is a freelance writer and journalist from the United Kingdom covering pop culture, relationships and LGBTQ+ issues. His work has appeared in GQ, Teen Vogue, Man Repeller and MTV.

Does It Work and How Do They React?

Last Updated on July 6, 2022 by Alexander Burgemeester

You’re exhausted and angry, and you are finished with feeling disrespected by the narcissist in your life. Maybe you have identified that what you’re doing isn’t working, and you’re ready for a different approach. Or perhaps you’re ready to start setting healthy boundaries and develop better relationships. 

But is ignoring a Narcissist a good idea? What do narcissists do when you ignore them? And if you choose to change your interaction patterns, how can you ensure that you’re protecting your self-worth and well-being at the same time? 

Of course, dealing with a narcissistic personality disorder isn’t easy. Their reaction to being ignored tends to be dramatic, exaggerated, and chaotic. As you know, they want to make a scene. They want to trigger you to feel ashamed, guilty, or confused about your choices. The goal here is simple: they need to feel in control, and they will do whatever they can to maintain that feeling of power. 

Table of Contents:

  • What do Narcissists do when you ignore them?
  • Ignore their Hoover attempts
  • When you ignore a narcissist
  • If you ignore the narcissist, will they leave you alone?
  • Ignoring a Narcissist who ignores you
  • Is Ignoring a narcissist the best revenge?
  • Best steps to Ignore a Narcissist

Narcissists perceive you ignoring them as a personal attack. As a result, they won’t respect your decision to preserve appropriate boundaries. Instead, they will view this action as a massive form of rejection. Rejection, as you likely know, tends to be a fatal blow to their vulnerable egos. That’s why they can’t tolerate it. 

You want a sense of freedom and respect. They want your attention and validation. And yet, their energy is all-consuming. And every time you stop ignoring them after a period of doing so, you only reinforce their toxic behavior. So, how do you change this vicious narcissistic cycle of abuse?

What Do Narcissists Do When You Ignore Them?

Ignoring a narcissist sounds simple enough. You don’t react or respond to them. You don’t give them any time of your day. And if you must remain in their lives- for whatever reason- you choose to remain entirely neutral for their drama. 

If you want to know how to piss off a narcissist, that’s one of the best ways to achieve it. By remaining disconnected and detached, they’re left feeling unimportant.  

Of course, ignoring a narcissist fuels immense rage. Even if they think they are being ignored (like you’re taking too long to respond to a text), they start feeling anxious. After all, they believe they’re entitled to whatever they want whenever they want it. So anything that falls outside of that parameter feels like a betrayal. 

If they sense they’re being ignored, they focus on one goal: getting your attention and reeling you back into their lives. To achieve this goal, they will engage in various attention-seeking behaviors. These behaviors are often known as ‘hoover techniques.’ Like the famous vacuum, narcissists will try to suck you back into their chaotic worlds. 

 They may hoover you in many different ways, including:

  • Begging for your forgiveness.
  • Reaching out to loved ones or mutual friends to get ahold of you.
  • Stalking you.
  • Smearing you to others.
  • Moving on to the next supply.
  • Pretending that you never existed or mattered.
  • Apologizing incessantly.
  • Making up emergencies or crises to get you back. 

Keep in mind they may alternate different strategies depending on the circumstances and their relationship with you. They are more likely to ‘hoover’ when they know their techniques will work. 

Finally, it’s much easier to tap into a previous or current narcissistic supply than find a new one. Because they already know your weaknesses, they will do whatever they can to exploit them.

How Does a Narcissist Feel When You Ignore Their Hoover Attempts? 

Narcissists often feel a chronic sense of hollowness and emptiness. To try to compensate for those uncomfortable feelings, they require their narcissistic supply to temporarily feel whole. The thought of losing their narcissistic supply (you) feels downright threatening. 

If you first try ignoring them, they will probably doubt your endurance and ability to stay strong. They will engage a combination of hoovering tactics- sweet talking, gaslighting, reaching out to others- all to get you back into their orbit. If a particular technique worked well in the past, they will probably rely on that one first. 

Reading Suggestion: How Dating a Narcissist Changes You

Over time, if you remain “strong” in your strategy, they often raise the stakes. Their tactics become more dramatic, frenzied, and intense, and this pattern embodies narcissistic abuse. 

Keep in mind they aren’t trying to understand your needs or have empathy for your feelings- everything is about them and their perceived rejection. The narcissist thinks they are entitled to your attention whenever they want it. As a result, they often double down on their efforts to lure you back in. 

How Does a Narcissist React to Being Blocked on Social Media? 

In a world where most of us are digitally connected, it’s even harder to cut all contact with people. If you choose to block the narcissist, the following may happen:

  • They might create fake profiles to stalk you.
  • They might “accidentally” send you a friend request or follow you.
  • They might call or text you demanding an explanation.
  • They might continue viewing all your content using another friend’s profile.
  • They might attempt to smear you online to others.
  • They might do nothing (because they are biding their time and planning their next move).

In general, despite these potential consequences, blocking the narcissist tends to be more advantageous than remaining friends online. It can be dangerous for them to know your whereabouts, especially if they sense they’re being ignored. In addition, having online access to you makes it easier to engage in stalking or other obsessive behaviors. 

Furthermore, it may be toxic for you to continue checking in on them. Spending time online looking at their profile triggers you to think about them- this thinking may provoke feelings of remorse, sadness, hope, or shame. In a moment of weakness, these feelings may trigger you to reach out. 

What Happens When You Begin Ignoring a Narcissistic Text? 

Many narcissists use written communication to either love-bomb or devalue others. Texting may feel safer for them- they can calculate what they want to say and spend as long as they need crafting the perfect message. So, what happens when you ignore a narcissist and their incessant texting?

Sometimes, they might continue texting you, almost acting as if nothing happened. In this case, they will pretend like they haven’t noticed that you’re not responding. Then, they will simply go about their day having a typical conversation, updating you with various details they deem essential. This can be frustrating, but it’s them trying to convince themselves (and you) that everything is perfectly normal.

In other cases, they will pester you with questions. What’s going on? Did you see what I last sent you? What are you doing later today? Why aren’t you talking to me? What’s your problem? The questions tend to be direct, and that’s because they’re fishing for a response, even if it’s just a one-word answer.

Sometimes, narcissists will flat-out lie to get your attention once you’ve been ignoring them. For example, they will send a sultry or emotionally charged text and then immediately say, Oh, sorry, that was meant for someone else. Even if you don’t respond (and you shouldn’t!), they often feel a sense of satisfaction knowing you’re now thinking about them.

Or, they might try to bid for your attention by feigning a crisis. My dog is really sick, and I’m taking her to the emergency vet right now. I hope you’re doing well. The “crisis,” of course, will be designed to tug at your heartstrings and make you want to reach out. But, even if the crisis is real, they will often inflate the situation to trigger your emotions.

When Should You Ignore A Narcissist?

You can ignore a narcissist whenever you want! After all, you deserve healthy relationships and respect. 

But choosing to ignore the narcissist successfully often requires dedication and commitment. So before making this decision, reflect on your motives. Are you trying to seek revenge? Do you want to irritate them? Are you hoping for a genuine apology? Do you think that you ignoring them will prompt them to change for the better? 

If you’re answering yes to any of these questions, time to pause. Even if you briefly achieve what you want, it will likely be short-lived. Once you have their attention, you will probably return to your usual dynamic. Unfortunately, this approach only reinforces their manipulative behavior.

You must recognize the importance of having realistic expectations. Most narcissists will not readily change their behavior once you ignore them. They might make half-hearted attempts to “get better,” but they often abandon these efforts once they can refuel their narcissistic supply. This pattern often leads you to feel exhausted, resentful, and angry.

Ideally, you should ignore a narcissist once you want to completely stop enabling them. This may mean maintaining minimal contact or no contact at all. 

If You Ignore A Narcissist, Will They Leave You Alone?

Probably not at first. 

Initially, you ignoring them feels like a challenge. But, it’s a game, and they will feel determined to conquer and win. As mentioned, if you have ignored them in the past, they will probably engage in the same tactics they previously used to elicit your attention.  

Understanding The Refueling of Narcissistic Supply 

If you’ve ever wondered how the narcissist can “jump so quickly” into a new relationship, it’s because they constantly search for people who can adore and enable them. This supply keeps them feeling safe and special- they depend on it for survival.

Rebecca Marcus, LCSW and psychotherapist, shares this analogy about narcissism: “a narcissist’s ego is similar to a colander or a balloon with a hole it in. It can fill up, but it cannot hold the air or the water, so the person is also looking to be filled either by seeking validation or knocking others down when feeling threatened.”

Keep in mind that narcissists don’t just use people- they will also try to fill their supply by: 

  • Achieving measurable successes.
  • Accumulating wealth.
  • Achieving a high status.
  • Having an ideal appearance.
  • Having an important or influential role.
  • Engaging in addictive hobbies or behaviors.

“I wrote an article about that” Read my article: What Happens When You Ignore the Narcissist who Dumped you?

However, their efforts, no matter how impressive, are futile. The narcissist has an insatiable need for adoration and validation- no matter how much they accumulate, it never feels like enough. Moreover, their hunger never entirely disappears. As a result, the people who fall victim to their traps often feel exhausted and insecure.

Unfortunately, the closer you are to a narcissist, the more likely they depend on you for their supply. This is because they feel safe and comfortable with you- you have proven your loyalty to them. You have seemingly accepted their flaws and chosen to love them, and they will exploit your kindness for their own emotional gain.

If you cut this supply off, the narcissist will likely feel abandoned. Then, because they can’t sit with that vulnerable feeling, they will lash out at you and try to divert their efforts elsewhere.

Ignoring a Narcissist Who ignores You, What Will Happen?

You might think that them ignoring you first means it will be easier for you to ignore them. However, this isn’t true.

If a narcissist ignores you, it’s all about power and control. They want to show you how you have hurt them. Then, they want you to recognize your mistake and apologize profusely for your wrongdoing. Then, they might decide to forgive you.

It’s a game of cat-and-mouse. They want your attention, long-winded promises, and your gifts of love. They want reassurance that you’re genuinely and entirely there for them, that you accept their flaws and setbacks. 

Understanding Stonewalling 

Some narcissists will engage in stonewalling to elicit a reaction. Stonewalling is an intentionally harmful tool people use to shut another person out. If you’re on the receiving end, it feels like the other person isn’t listening to you. They have checked out completely.

Stonewalling may seem like a temporary reprieve, especially in the middle of a heated argument. The narcissist is upset and ignoring you, and you might think this will all blow over once they start thinking rationally. But it’s a calculated move. They want you to start asking what’s wrong. They’re betting on you apologizing or becoming anxious or trying to otherwise fix the situation. 

Who Gives In First?

Someone will eventually stop ignoring the other person, but when you’re playing this game with a narcissist, you’re doomed to lose.

First, if the narcissist stops ignoring you, they will likely expect everything to return to normal. They’ve moved on! They’re no longer upset! They’re ready to talk about things and get back on track.

So, what happens if you’re still feeling angry, confused, or upset? Now, you’re the problem. You’re the one who is dragging things out and making it all too complicated. 

On the other hand, if you persist and try to get them to speak, they probably will. But it’s on their terms. They may lash out at you for not doing something right. They might criticize, demean, or otherwise try to hurt your feelings. They will continue to try to drive home the point that you’re responsible for all the issues in the relationship. 

Is Ignoring a Narcissist the Best Revenge? 

It can be, but revenge shouldn’t be the goal. If it’s your goal, you are stooping to their level, and that’s a level you can’t win. Remember, you aren’t playing on the same field as the narcissist. If you attempt to play by their rules, expect to be disappointed and angry.

Instead, ask yourself this: How much energy do you want to give this relationship? How well are your current boundaries working?

Unfortunately, narcissists don’t respond well to typical boundaries. Their self-esteem can’t handle the notion of other people having needs that don’t include them. So they build their lives around filling their narcissistic supply, and it’s an endless quest for validation and security.

Your needs feel insignificant to theirs, and they lack the empathy to understand your true feelings. Subsequently, if your needs are getting in the way of theirs, they will always prioritize their needs first (even if they pretend to act otherwise).

Ignoring them might be the best revenge, but revenge should not be your driving motive. Instead, it’s best to focus on building self-worth and attuning to your inherent needs for self-care.

How To ignore a Narcissist? 7 Steps for Ignoring the Narcissist 

Ignoring the narcissist may feel easier said than done. Even when you know you want to limit contact, deciding where to draw the line isn’t always straightforward. 

If you have decided that it’s time to honor your self-respect, the task ahead may feel daunting. Narcissists and their loved ones often form a tight trauma bond, which happens due to cyclical abuse. You may feel responsible for their happiness, and you might also feel some guilt for changing the status quo. Here are some tips to consider. 

Recognize The Symptoms of Trauma Bonding

Trauma bonding can be a confusing concept. You may genuinely care about the narcissist and their well-being. But, at the same time, you probably feel disheartened and frustrated by their behavior. Trauma bonding happens when you feel a sense of love for someone you know is also hurting you.

Other common signs of trauma bonding include:

  • Feeling like you no longer even like the person.
  • Feeling completely distressed at the thought of leaving the relationship.
  • Wistfully hoping that they will change their behaviors. 
  • Obsessing over the good days or good moments.
  • Making excuses or rationalizing their behavior, particularly in front of other people.

Trauma bonding isn’t exclusive to narcissists and their loved ones. It can happen to anyone in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. Unfortunately, some people may not recognize the severity of these symptoms until someone else points them out, or until they seek professional help.  

Understand The Familiar Patterns of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

According to Dr. Moreen Rubin, a licensed clinical therapist, “being in a relationship with a narcissist can be stressful and confusing. However, it’s helpful to know that narcissistic personality disorder is designed to react in predictable ways.” 

Rubin goes onto recommend four different strategies. First, ask yourself what you can do to reduce harm to yourself and your children. Your job is to find ways to protect yourself from the impact of stress. Perhaps you can limit the time you spend with the narcissist, spend more time with social support, and increase your self-care. Second,  try the “grey rocking” technique. Third, go to therapy with a therapist who can help you practice Acceptance and Commitment therapy. Fourth, learn to have compassion for yourself and be kind to yourself in times of stress.

Identify Your Boundaries 

Although narcissists struggle to respect other boundaries, it’s still crucial that you consider your interpersonal limits. Regardless of the nature of your relationship, you are responsible for taking care of yourself.

Boundaries may include:

  • Setting rules around touch and intimacy.
  • Refusing to tolerate rude, offensive, or degrading language.
  • Setting specific guidelines about sharing or giving away money.
  • Creating limits around confidentiality and privacy.

At the very least, you should spend some time reflecting on what boundaries mean to you. For example, what do you want to be nonnegotiable in your relationships? How do you want other people to treat you?

It’s okay if you don’t know the answers right away. However, that should be a telltale sign that you owe it to yourself to consider how you can start taking better care of yourself.

Avoid Playing Into The Drama

Dr. Nereida Gonzale- Berrios recommends you avoid feeding the narcissist’s attention-seeking behavior. By avoiding it, the narcissist has less incentive to rely on you for their narcissistic supply.  

She states, “Never show that you are unhappy with their behavior because it will fuel their manipulative tendencies. You will have to learn emotional control. Stay calm, but be firm with what you want.” 

Try The Grey Rock Method 

The grey rock method may be beneficial for people who cannot avoid all contact with the narcissist. It might be impossible to prevent all instances of narcissism- for example, it is often unrealistic to cut off all ties with your child’s other parent, a difficult coworker, or a roommate.

The grey rock method entails communicating without much emotion or interest. Instead of reacting to the narcissist’s drama, you act fairly unresponsively, just like a rock.

Communication, therefore, tends to brief, matter-of-fact, and limited. You may avoid eye contact and engage in fairly non-committal phrases like uh-huh, or sure. Grey rocking can be a fantastic tool if you are still deciding what limits you want to maintain in the relationship.

However, it’s not necessarily recommended as a long-term approach. Over time, grey rocking can start to feel exhausting. Likewise, suppressing your emotions isn’t a good idea. If you use this approach, make sure you have a healthy support system in place. 

Finally, you also want to be careful to avoid telling the narcissist what you’re doing. Offering such disclosure can trigger even more rage or abuse. In addition, the narcissist won’t understand why you’re choosing to withhold critical information from them. 

Be Careful Who You Confide In

It’s not uncommon for narcissists to latch themselves onto your friends or family if they suspect you are pulling away. They may try to convince them that you’re being unreasonable or difficult. They might also try to elicit their compassion and empathy.

This is why it’s important to be mindful of who you confide in when talking about the narcissist. Aim to connect with people who are not mutually connected to both of you. If you don’t have anyone, consider reaching out to a therapist or another trusted professional.

This advice isn’t meant to make you suspicious of others. It’s simply to raise awareness of the various abuse strategies narcissists may employ to lure you back into the relationship.

Consider The No-Contact Approach

Ignoring is the foundation of taking a no-contact approach. While this approach may sound ruthless, it’s often the best strategy for emotional healing. When you stop all contact, you avoid guessing or adapting to the narcissist’s needs. There is no ‘gray area.’ The rules are simple, and you have the freedom to resume living the way you want to live.

However, a successful no-contact approach requires discipline. You cannot answer their calls, texts, or Facebook friend requests. If other people ask you about what’s going on, you need to remain firm in your boundary. Caving in on a no-contact approach is exactly what the narcissist wants (and often anticipates), so it’s your responsibility to maintain your firm limit.

The narcissist will probably continue trying to reach out. They will apologize and promise to change. They will become angry and spiteful and probably send you many rambling messages in the middle of the night. These actions simply highlight their need for your attention.

However, as long as you do not give them your attention, they lose that power and control. As a result, they also lose the ability to dictate how you live your life. 

Manipulate me if you can: how to recognize a narcissist

see also

Intimidate, disappear, block - how to protect yourself from a stalker

They are smart, sweet and charming. You fall into the net of their charm after a few minutes of communicating with them. They always create only dependent relationships. Where are they from - narcissists? What do they need? How not to get hooked, how to figure them out in your environment and what to do so that you are not driven to suicide - Tatiana Skritskaya, a family psychologist at the Familia Center, answers these and other questions. nine0008

- Most of the serious research on narcissists and manipulators is translations of foreign scientists. The problem is becoming more and more urgent for Russian psychologists. In their practice, psychologists and psychotherapists are increasingly faced with victims of people with narcissistic personality disorder, returning many of them literally from the next world. And judging by the scale of the problem, there is no doubt that it will only get worse in the future. nine0012

- Foreign experts identify people with a certain type of character, with the characteristics of the so-called "dark triad". It includes narcissism, Machiavellianism and emotional coldness.

Narcissism is the need to be the center of attention and to be admired. Such people maintain their grandiosity through the impression they make on others.

Machiavellianism is a lust for power, deceit and manipulation of other people. They are also distinguished by emotional coldness and are not able to experience warm feelings for others and even for close people.

People with high intelligence who have the qualities of the dark triad tend to be very successful. One example of such a person was Steve Jobs. He was unbearable for the environment, difficult to communicate with partners. At the same time, having a very difficult character, he was incredibly efficient and charismatic. nine0003

The modern world actively encourages the effectiveness, selfishness and financial solvency of a person. It is by these components that many people around us evaluate us. It is important to be more successful, earn more, get married earlier (more successfully) and so on ... The main thing is to have something to brag to your girlfriends.

Accordingly, in recent decades, such tough, selfish and unscrupulous loners are becoming more and more. And psychologists are increasingly turning to people who have received psychological trauma as a result of communicating with them. nine0003

In the photo: family psychologist Tatyana Skritskaya and psychologist Igor Dobryakov. Photo: samopoznanie.ru

- Narcissist and manipulator - is it always an equal sign?

- No. The degree of expression of these qualities may be different in different people. Narcissism can be healthy as an indicator of good self-esteem and an incentive for self-realization and development.

Malignant daffodils are different. They are very sweet, smart, charming, it's nice to be around them, we feel a surge of strength, interest in our person, but after parting, we are covered with emotional and physical exhaustion, fatigue. And sometimes there is a vague feeling that we were used. nine0003

Narcissists are sometimes referred to as "emotional vampires". Such people have no esoteric abilities. When communicating with ordinary people, we always get something from a partner: positive emotions, support, advice.

After communicating with a narcissist, many describe their state as devastation, exhaustion, a feeling that they have been used, that is, spending our time and energy, we do not receive anything in return.

The narcissist is not interested in people who understand his nature and who are able to resist being drawn into dependent relationships, because through such people he will not be able to receive confirmation of his grandiosity, they are almost impossible to use. nine0003

— Is this a conscious behavior of a person or is it still driven by some kind of his nature? Perhaps the reason for this behavior lies elsewhere?

- Differently. The pronounced manifestation of the characteristics of the “dark triad” in a person is considered to be an innate feature. Such people have a certain value system in which it is permissible to use others.

The world and people are perceived as objects to satisfy their own needs. They easily identify potential victims, who are used and easily changed to new ones if necessary. nine0003

We can say that the highly competitive modern world contributes to the emergence of people with such character traits. Some psychologists say that this is the next stage of human evolution.

Today it is not necessary for people to live in groups to survive. The environment does not imply that we need someone for physical survival. Therefore, families and traditional relationships between people are gradually being transformed.

nine0004 Money can replace interaction with other people and maintain a high quality of life. A certain amount of money implies that we can live as we please, without relying on loved ones and without needing them.

Photo: Mikhail Perikov, nsknews.info

- If a person gets into a dependent relationship with a narcissist, can he get out of it without loss?

- Much that happens in relations with others, we can track later - retrospectively. In the process of communication, when we are emotionally involved, we cannot observe ourselves from the outside and do not recognize that this is manipulation, and we are interesting for a partner only from the point of view of satisfying his needs. But then comes the realization that something was wrong. nine0003

For example, for my part, I did the right things, but I did not get what I expected from the communication, although my contribution was sufficient. This is the reaction that our body gives out to the manipulation that was on the part of a person with a pathological character. Such people know that there is a conscience, but its criteria do not apply to themselves.

Sometimes there are very vivid examples of the relationship of a person with the characteristics of the "dark triad" and his victim. For example, one of my clients asked: “How can I understand when my husband says that we are different stages of evolution? He says you can be used, I know how to do it, and I do it. nine0003

He told her about it openly, because she was financially and emotionally dependent on him. And he understood that she could not just jump off and leave this relationship.

Photo: Maria Kozlova, nsknews. info

- She did it?

Yes, she succeeded.

- Victims who live with such people, they don't feel they are being taken advantage of? nine0012

“Most likely they don’t realize it, because the narcissist has enough strength and self-control to keep his victim on a short leash. Victims may feel powerless, exhausted and not understand what is happening, live in some very chaotic world organized by their partner.

Manipulators are very good with people. They can read relevant literature, easily absorb people management information, and go head over heels to achieve their desired career or level of financial well-being. nine0003

Those knowledge and skills that ordinary psychologists spend years mastering, people with a pathological character acquire easily and simply. Quite often, such a person is interested in the victim, who does a lot of good, to be viable and continue to perform his functions. She is praised and supported from time to time. In general, the smarter and more functional a person is, the more sophisticated he can be.

— It is unthinkably difficult to get out of such an addiction, and it is better not to fall into it. How to protect yourself? After all, they do not walk the streets with a sign on their chests "narcissus in an active search for a new victim." And they are really in constant search. nine0012

- The experience of sincere and trusting relationships will help not to fall into such dependence. It doesn't have to be a relationship with your parents. If the parents are “warm” and supportive, then the child from childhood receives the necessary experience of recognizing people who are capable of support. Of course, in addition to parents, the environment is also important for gaining such experience - brothers and sisters, friends, and other relatives.

In order not to fall into the network of a narcissist , it is worth remembering a few rules by which he communicates with his victims. The main thing is that narcissists do not tend to invest a lot and for a long time in a relationship. Therefore, the connection with them arises almost instantly.

If there is a feeling that a person replaces the rest of the world, then this is also a reason to stop and think. It is worth talking about a special emotional closeness with a person at least after two weeks of acquaintance.

If we feel like we're "bang!" and on the same wavelength, it’s worth slowing down the development of relationships and not laying out all the details of your life to a new acquaintance. nine0003

Photo: Mikhail Perikov, nsknews.info

- What should alert?

- As a rule, such people choose as a victim those who can give something - money, sex, career help, or even household issues. First, it should be alert when the feeling arises very quickly that no one understands you as well as this person. When relationships develop in an extremely short time. nine0003

Secondly, if there are no conflicts at all, and the partners are so united and understand each other well, as if that very mythical soul mate literally met, this is an occasion to stop and think about who is in front of me.

You can provoke a person a little. For example, to offer an unexpected situation in which an ordinary person will not react too joyfully. For example, suggest playing a sport that a person has not done before. An ordinary person may agree, but at the same time express his fears or displeasure. The manipulator will agree and say: come on, I have always dreamed about it, we are one with you. nine0003

Thirdly, hypertrophied support at the beginning of a relationship and an emphasis on unity, merging. “We are we together. I understand you very well, I can almost read your thoughts” — this is the erasing of the personal boundaries of the victim.

And finally, it should be alarming that such a person has a “retinue” of many admirers of different sexes who listen to his opinion.

— How to explain why a person who does not need money always owes someone a hundred or two? He is always in someone's debt. What for? nine0012

- As a rule, people with a narcissistic disorder make good money, and they need this mechanism in order to more strongly involve the other person in emotional dependence.

Again, when we lend to such a person, we raise our self-esteem. Next to him, we feel our uniqueness and exclusivity - he is so competent and charming, but he chose us, it's cool.

But this is about something else - about the fact that we provide for his needs, improve his life, increase his self-esteem at the expense of our resources, including emotional ones. nine0003

Photo: Maria Kozlova, nsknews.info

- Among psychologists there are those who are of the opinion that the victim is "the fool herself" that she got into a dependent relationship. This raises a logical question - so who is to blame?

- It's nobody's fault. There have always been such people. But when the society was more traditional, then people around knew about people who were inclined to use others and not give anything in return. They said about such people that they were dishonest and tried to stay away from them. nine0003

Now we live in cities, and there is less emotional closeness between people. Therefore, it is much easier for such a person to find his retinue and his victims.

— Is there a danger that emotional coldness is contagious, that the victims will never be the same again?

- It is not always so. If the affected person retains a close circle - family, friends, past relationships where it was different, then such a person will be able to differentiate the environment into a safe one, where he will demonstrate his good human qualities, and everything else. nine0003

But to return to a close circle with such a traumatized person, other people will have to spend a lot of time and their mental strength. This is necessary for the emotional recovery of the victim of the manipulator.

— Can narcissists themselves change, become more humane?

— From my professional experience and observations, people with pronounced narcissism have changed and become more human, warmer and more responsive after very serious emotional or physical trauma. nine0003

For example, the death of a loved one or a severe personal tragedy, for example, an accident, as a result of which a person becomes disabled when the familiar world collapses. I have had such examples. It should be borne in mind that such transformations are possible in isolated cases.

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The material was first published on the Novosibirsk News website on February 22, 2017. nine0170

#Interview #Useful city #Family #Healthcare #Security #Psychology #Medicine in the city nine0003

How to recognize a person with narcissism

July 19, 2022 Likbez Health

Psychotherapy may be required even for those who associate with a narcissist.

You can listen to the article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

Narcissists are traditionally called narcissists, fixated on their own person. However, not every narcissist suffers from narcissism.

Narcissistic personality disorder has very specific symptoms. nine0003

How to recognize a person with narcissistic personality disorder

Every psychotherapist's reference book, the current edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), lists nine signs of a true narcissist. At the same time, it is enough to make a diagnosis if a person meets only five of them.

1. Maintains relationships with "special" people

The narcissist always has authoritative, influential acquaintances from circles that are difficult for "mere mortals" to access: businessmen from the top hundred of the Forbes list, brilliant artists, owners of various rarities, close friends and lovers of world famous stars. Well, at least the narcissist himself likes to talk about such connections. nine0003

A person with a narcissistic disorder uses the status of acquaintances as a way to increase self-esteem and authority in the eyes of others.

By the way, this is one of the reasons why daffodils seem so attractive, why it is easy to fall in love with them and difficult to leave them. When a person is “with such connections!”, “so sophisticated!” suddenly draws attention to you, it tickles pride very much. It’s as if you are on the same social level with the narcissist’s great acquaintances and begin to feel “special” too. And this is a kind of psychological drug, which is hard to give up. nine0003

2. Often talks about his own victories and achievements

Whether it's a controversial moment at work, a conflict in a store or public transport, a random traffic light race - the narcissist emerges victorious from any situation. In fact, that's what he tells the people around him.

It is important for Narcissus to demonstrate that he is the best and smartest of all. This helps him feel more confident.

Jacqueline Krol

Psychotherapist, for Healthline

It is typical that stories about victories always take the form of monologues. Narcissists need admiring listeners. As soon as one of them begins to pull the blanket over himself and talk about his own achievements, the person with narcissism gets bored and turns off the conversation. nine0003

3. Needs compliments and cannot stand criticism

From the outside, the narcissist seems to be an extremely self-confident person. But, as experts suggest, most people with narcissistic personality disorder have serious problems with self-esteem.

That is why they expect constant compliments from others. If admiration is not enough, or worse, the narcissist is criticized, they react very emotionally. Can theatrically exclaim: "I'm not appreciated here!" Often reproaches relatives and colleagues for inattention and callousness. Because of the slightest remark, he may cry or run away, slamming the door and shouting something insulting in the end. nine0003

Then, perhaps, he will return to still get recognition from you. For this, the narcissist manipulates guilt: it is not he who is emotionally unrestrained, but you meanly offended him, underestimated and provoked him.

4. Seems to be a dreamer and idealist

Narcissus seems ideal to himself and therefore counts on a special, impeccable life. And if something does not work out, the responsibility for it shifts to the people around.

If there are difficulties in love or family relationships, the partner is to blame: he didn't look the right way, did the wrong thing, didn't appreciate it. “All women are bitches, and I am looking for that one, my soul mate who will understand me” is the demonstrative position of the classic narcissist. nine0003

Narcissistic personality disorder is more common in men. At risk are young (under 45) unmarried people.

If it doesn't work out with a career and money, the society is to blame, of course. More precisely, his successful representatives, who (from the point of view of a narcissist) probably achieved their position with the help of influential relatives, through bed, by deceit. Narcissists often oppose themselves to society, emphasizing their status as an unrecognized genius and a lone wolf, disappointed in an imperfect world. nine0003

5. Feels worthy of special treatment

This means that the narcissist demands more rights for himself than for others. He will not stand in line - he will find a way to get into the right office or to the counter first, even if it turns into a scandal. He expects priority service at the restaurant. Or he sincerely counts on an “understanding” attitude from his superiors, even if he is late for the fifth time in a week or misses a deadline.

He "needs" to sit at the window, open (or close) the window or do his hobby - instead of washing the dishes, cleaning or going shopping. nine0003

The interests of a person with narcissistic personality disorder always come first. People around are encouraged to come to terms with it.

6. Often haughty, shows disrespect for those who are lower in status

One of the features of the classic narcissist is a sense of superiority over others. This is clearly shown in situations where a person suffering from narcissism is faced with the service industry. He can be rude to waiters, wardrobe workers, consultants, petty clerks. Subordinates or those who are younger also suffer from his arrogance. nine0003

If the narcissist is reproached for this, he will explain his behavior with shortcomings in the work of the "lower class" and say that he simply demands a little respect for himself.

7. Exploits others

For a narcissist, it is in the order of things to be served, and he is not interested in what forces and at the expense of what this is achieved. For example, in family relationships, he will expect dinner, cleanliness and excellent physical shape from his partner - simply because he “should” (even if he has two jobs, a child and an objective lack of time for sports). nine0003

If the partner tries to rebel, discounting, gaslighting and other abuse techniques will be used.

8. Frankly manipulates people

Pressing on pity, hitting on feelings of guilt and conscience, twisting the facts and blaming others for what they did not do - this is not a complete list of what the narcissist does to achieve his goals.

It cannot be said that he manipulates consciously. It’s just that this is how his psyche works on justifying himself and blaming others. nine0003

9. Not able to empathize

Lack of empathy (sympathy for the experiences and problems of others) is one of the most characteristic signs of a narcissist.

A person with narcissistic personality disorder is completely self-centered. To delve into other people's problems, to provide support for him is simply boring.

This is one of the reasons why narcissists almost never have long-term relationships, either friendships or romantic relationships.

What to do if a person is a narcissist

Narcissism is one of the least studied personality disorders. It is extremely difficult to treat, as narcissists usually do not believe that they have mental health problems. On the contrary: they are sure that others have problems, which means that they should be treated.

In addition, narcissism is often accompanied by other types of mental disorders - manic-depressive psychosis (bipolar disorder), depression, anxiety and dissocial (sociopathic) disorders. So therapy, even if the narcissist agrees to it, runs the risk of being long and complicated. nine0003

What should you do if you encounter a narcissist? The least energy-consuming, but also the least humane way is to run away from him.

If you have the opportunity not to take on the solution of other people's psychological problems, it makes sense not to do this.

However, this is not always the case. After all, a colleague, a valuable business partner, a close relative, or even a loved one can be a narcissist.

Learn more