How to get over your spouse cheating
How to repair your relationship after someone cheats
When Elle Grant's husband started spending a lot of time at work with his female associate, she wasn't immediately suspicious. "It had never worried me because he didn't like her," says Grant. "She was unattractive, difficult at work. But something kept nagging at my brain."
Grant finally confronted her husband about her gut feeling that something was off. Slowly, the truth began to come out. "He admitted a little, then, over the next days and weeks, he admitted more. I was shocked and devastated."
Despite the affair, the couple stayed together and are currently closing in on their 23rd wedding anniversary. But for many couples, infidelity is the nail in the coffin. A study conducted by the Austin Institute found that unfaithfulness in a marriage accounted for around 37 percent of divorces in the U.S.
It's not an easy thing to heal from — but according to marriage and family therapist Amanda D. Mahoney, patients who find success staying together after someone cheats have one main thing in common: "There's a willingness to process the potential symptoms that may have contributed to the affair versus focusing solely on the act of the affair itself," she explains.
That's not to be confused with justifying the decision to cheat by pointing to issues in the relationship as excuses. But if you're able to get real with your partner on what hasn't been working — without playing the blame game — it's a good sign that your relationship has the potential to be repaired.
In fact, it may not simply be repaired, but you may come out even stronger than before if you handle it the right way.
“If you and your partner are coming together after the fact and you do want to work this out and stay together, it can be one of the more important catalysts for growth in a couple relationship that’s out there,” says Jen Elmquist, relationship specialist and co-host of Evine After Dark.
For Grant, an author and journalist living in Toronto, packing up and leaving wasn't immediately in the cards. "I had three young children and didn't want to do anything to disrupt their lives if I wasn't absolutely sure I wanted out of the marriage," she says. Instead, she focused on her own healing with the help of a therapist, while her husband spent time in therapy separately.
How to Move Forward when someone cheats
If both you and your partner want to take the necessary steps to heal from an affair, it can be done, but it's going to be a long road. Here are a few important actions to take together that can help repair your relationship.
Make sure there is remorse“There needs to be an adequate level of remorse. So if you’re the partner that has cheated, you really do have to feel deeply sorry. It can’t be something that can in any way come off nonchalant. There has to be deep sense of regret and remorse for what happened,” says Elmquist. “And if your partner has cheated on you and you’re not feeling that remorse from them, that’s going to be something you’re going to want to look for as the starting point for you to get back on the same track.”
Be honest about why it happenedThis is the hardest step and will largely dictate whether or not you'll both be able to move forward. "People can make poor choices at times," says Mahoney.
"The question then becomes: does that poor choice and/or symptom(s) now have to dictate the future of a relationship? The answer largely depends on the motivating factors behind the affair." Underlying unmet needs in the relationship, poor communication, attachment difficulties and antiquated gender roles can all be impetus for an affair — ones that Mahoney has helped couples work through in her practice.
“Infidelity is very complex, there’s a lot of depth and complexity to why people might cheat and how you can find a way back to each other,” adds Elmquist, who says insight is curcial. "Why did this happen? Where was the breakdown? What was it in our relationship that ultimately caused us to have an open door for someone else to walk into it? Having that insight in your relationship is going to be important.”
But if the person who cheated isn't willing to be upfront about why it happened — or starts pointing blame, repairing things might not be possible. "[The reason] can’t be overly simplified, such as 'I’m a man' or 'it just happened,'" says marriage coach and author Lesli Doares.
"The only way to rebuild trust is to be completely clear why it happened so when faced with a similar situation in the future, a different choice will be made."
Grant's husband admitted he was a sex addict and sought out therapy on his own to work through it. "By the time I felt strong enough to leave, my husband had been in therapy for a couple of years and had done so much work to understand why he'd risked a family he loved for relationships that didn't really matter," says Grant. "I respected how hard he'd worked. He had done everything he could to support me as I healed."
Remove temptations to re-engage with the affairIf the affair is really, truly over, taking the physical steps to cut off contact with the person and set up boundaries is crucial to your partner's healing process. "Deleting contact information, blocking numbers and removing social media contacts will be essential," says Dr. Brandon Santan, a licensed marriage and relationship therapist practicing in Tennessee.
Because Grant's husband worked with the woman he cheated with, this was more complicated. "I do think 'no contact' is important, but sometimes it's impossible," she says. "In that case, there needs to be transparency about any interactions."
Move forward with brutal honesty and careBeing cheated on is damaging for a plethora of reasons, but one big factor that needs to be addressed in order to move past it is lack of honesty. "The lying is a huge part of the betrayal,' says Doares, which is why she encourages the person who cheated to be brutally honest about all the details of the affair to move forward — not just the ones that will hurt his or her partner the least. "The cheater has to be completely transparent and answer any and all questions," she says.
This level of transparency needs to continue for as long as it takes to build that trust back up again; something that Elle says was key to her healing process. "My husband gave up anything that made me uncomfortable (like going out with the boys after work).
I had access to any/all electronics/emails, passwords etc. He told me where he was going and who he'd be with. Seems humiliating in the short term, but he understood that that was how he was going to rebuild trust," she says.
“You’re going to have to set other things aside for a while and you’re really going to have to pour into this relationship in order for it to have a fresh, strong, new foundation,” adds Elmquist.
Be selective about who you tellYour gut reaction might be to blast your partner's indiscretions across social media for all to see, which Travis McNulty, LMHC, practicing in Florida says is a common coping mechanism. "I’ve seen people in this position go to extreme lengths to hurt their spouse in a very public manner," he says. "Often this is done out of rage and with lack of clarity that usually makes the person who was cheated on look bad or crazy by how they react." It's healthy to talk to someone about what you're going through, especially to a therapist.
But telling everyone in your inner circle can end up backfiring.
"The more people that know about it, the more people are going to have their opinions based off of purely trying to protect you from getting hurt," McNulty explains. "This is the therapist’s worst nightmare because coalitions and allegiances amongst friends and family members really make moving forward difficult." Especially if you two do decide to work through this. "The person who was cheated on may be able to forgive and move on, but the family still holds an intense grudge that usually puts more pressure on an already vulnerable relationship that is trying to rebuild and move on," says McNulty.
Grant found support by creating a blog, The Betrayed Wives Club, to connect with others who were also victims of infidelity — a support system she says played a large part in her healing process. "I created my site because I was desperate for a community of women who knew what I was going through and who wouldn't judge," she says.
Our culture lacks real understanding around how devastating infidelity is. It can be really painful to share your secret only to have someone respond, as a friend of mine did, 'Well, I wouldn't put up with it.'"
After an affair, it can be hard to know what to do or even where to start. If the conversations you're having with your partner feel like they're not getting anywhere, consider working with a licensed therapist who can help guide the process. "The therapist's ability to be a neutral party in the conversation helps identify what underlying unmet needs can be recognized and processed within the couple’s relationship," Mahoney explains. "During this investigative stage of therapy, couples often have the ability to seek understanding, find compassion, have greater potential to problem solve and move forward."
I tell couples they are going to have to bury that first relationship and think about starting a brand new relationship with each other.
“Once you have that insight [on why someone cheated], how do you take the learnings from that and how do you put it into actionable change? Because the relationship is going to have to change,” says Elmquist. “I oftentimes tell couples they are going to have to bury that first relationship and think about starting a brand new relationship with each other. And in that new relationship you’re going to put in the same intensity you did in the beginning of your relationship all over again; that same intensity of learning about each other and caring for each other and being intentional with each other.”
Grant and her husband eventually sought couples counseling after they had each worked with separate therapists. "Our relationship is better in a lot of ways thanks to therapy," says Grant. "My husband has shown up for our life together in a way that he just didn't before. We have a lot of fun together, he's a much more hands-on father. Therapy helped him work through a lot of childhood grief, so that his own feelings are a lot more accessible to him.
"
"If you’re truly wanting to move on and continue with life with your partner after infidelity and have a loving relationship, it is possible. I see it in my office every day," says McNulty.
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11 ways to get over an affair
Michelle Jones always assumed that if she caught a boyfriend or spouse cheating that would be the end of the relationship.
Then the unthinkable happened.
The San Francisco mom discovered a hidden cache of emails from her husband to another woman. Although hurt and angry, splitting up with her husband didn’t seem like the right choice anymore: they had three children and owned a business together.
“Until you’ve dealt with something like this, you have no clue how you will react,” Jones, 49, said. Trying to patch the marriage back together, “was a hard, painful, challenging experience. It’s not for the weak.”
Michelle Jones, 49, chose to save her marriage after her husband's affair.Courtesy of Michelle Jones / Courtesy of Michelle Jones'Life totally changes'
When you've been cheated on, the first thing to decide is whether to go through the grueling and often painful process of putting your relationship back on track, experts say.
“Life totally changes,” said Jacqueline Hudak, clinical director for the Center for Couples and Adult Families. “Suddenly you have all these questions about what was real.
”
RELATED: Why do men cheat?
Most couples who have younger children choose to try to work it out. “It depends on where you are in your life cycle,” she explained.
Even if you’ve chosen to leave the relationship, it won’t be easy, said Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute and author of the newly updated and revised “The Anatomy of Love.”
Love, Fisher said, is very much like an addiction as far as your brain is concerned. The same regions that “become active when a cocaine addict experiences craving and obsession are also activated by love,” she explained. And, just as the addict can experience painful withdrawal symptoms, so too can a person who is losing love.
If you chose to break up, there are some strategies that can help minimize the misery.
RELATED: Why your marriage doesn't need to be perfect to be happy
1. Treat the old relationship like an addiction.“Throw out all those cards and letters you’ve stored away in a box," Fisher says.
"If you’re going to give up the human being, you have to give up as many of the things that remind you of him as you can.”
“That will drive up your oxytocin system which will make you feel better,” Fisher said.
4. Get more exercise.“Physical exercise will drive up dopamine levels which will also make you feel better,” Fisher said.
5. Take an Advil.Recognize that one of the brain regions activated by addiction — and love — is linked with pain and anxiety. “So taking an Advil or an Aspirin can be helpful because it affects the pain centers that are activated by the loss,” Fisher said. In other words, pain killers really may soothe some of your pain.
If you decide to stay together...
If you choose to try to save your marriage, it'll take work for both of you.
“There needs to be a capacity to tolerate a lot of difficult emotional work and the person who has had the affair needs to be accountable and transparent in whatever way their partner needs them to be,” Hudak said.
RELATED: 10 couples share secrets to a happy marriage
6. Share all passwords and give full cell phone access.It’s the job of the cheater to make a partner feel safe again, Hudak said.
After his affair, relationship coach Greg Durocher took a polygraph test before his wife would try to put their marriage back together. Durocher also takes a repeat polygraph any time his wife requests one. “I was willing to what was needed to save our marriage,” said Durocher, who counsels couples in Denver.
7. Share every detail of the betrayal.“If your partner says I need to know how often you met and where — they need to know that,” Hudak says. “Everybody is different. Some people want to know everything, and some don’t.
That needs to be negotiated if you’re trying to recover from a terrible breach of trust.”
“Like any journey you need to know where you are going before you can plot a course,” Durocher says. “You need to figure out what is missing from the relationship.”
RELATED: 5 relationship warning signs couples should never ignore
9. Set the clock back to a better time.Durocher suggested going on regular dates with your spouse, “so you can learn how to reconnect with one another and so you can see what were the things from early in the relationship that attracted the two of you to each other in the first place.”
10. Don’t count on the relationship to make you happy.Happiness is something you have to find on your own, he added. “If you have two happy people showing up in a relationship, that’s pretty awesome.”
11. Recognize it won’t get better overnight.
“It takes time for trust to be reestablished," said Hudak. "In the beginning, your sense of safety and security are going to be tentative.”
Jones hopes it’s the passage of time will allow her to trust again. Three years after her husband’s affair, their relationship is stronger than before, but there are still moments when the pain comes rushing back.
“I wonder if I will ever stop being triggered by things as simple as a song on the radio or a movie,” she said.
How to survive betrayal - Poster Daily
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Poster Daily
January 8, 2021 14:19
Bombora Publishing House published a book by family psychologist and sexologist Marina Travkova "Infidelity. Why do loved ones change, is it worth forgiving, is it possible to avoid. We are publishing a fragment of a book on how to take care of yourself and deal with the pain of infidelity.
The pain you feel when you find out about the betrayal shows that you are human and that you are a normal person.
Pain is a signal: “this is wrong” and “it shouldn’t be like this.” It hurts not because you are weak, can't cope, or lack the pride to "cut off" and leave, but because you are a living person, because this relationship was dear to you. nine0003
“But he is right,” clients tell me over and over again in approximately the same text, “because he told me that he did not like this and that, and if I knew ...” Yes, hindsight is almost always possible remember all sorts of signs foreshadowing trouble: complaints, dissatisfied looks, sighs about weight and age, statements that “we live somehow insipidly”, or others that “I want a bright life”. But does this relieve your partner or partner of the responsibility for direct and clear expression of their feelings? Apart from complaints, were there alternatives offered? nine0003
Quite often we underestimate the cumulative effect of quarrels. They may seem petty, and if reconciliation comes after them, it’s hard to understand why saying “take out the trash” 199 times was a reason for conflict, but then reconciliation, but the 200s led to flirting with “such an economic neighbor, who, probably, , there is nothing to be reminded of"? And yet, none of us can read other people's minds.
And such a “pattern of communication”, where one is offended, but at the same time he waved his hand and is silent for a long time, and the other does not even realize that they are “hoarding” annoyance at him (or guesses, but does not guess about the scale), - such a “pattern” of a couple put together, so the responsibility for this can be safely divided into two. nine0003
Relationships are always built by both parties. How they reached a dead end (if it is a dead end) and why and what is your role in this - this can be analyzed.
But if they were unfaithful to you, and your analysis begins with thoughts about what your fault is, stop. This is the act of the initiator of treason. He himself is to blame.
Life goes on. Not all of us can afford to be sad for a few months, drop everything and leave. We have things to do, work, responsibilities, children. You have to live somehow. nine0021 But it will be easier if you don't pretend that everything is the same as always .
Especially if it's not like that at all. This is a difficult period, and it needs strength. This is not a sprint, but rather a marathon with stops. Therefore, it is better to immediately accept that you are "sick" and start taking care of yourself.
Do not expect exploits from yourself
Treat yourself as a person who bears the disease on his feet. After all, if you had the flu, a temperature above 38, or a broken leg, you would understand the need for treatment or the impossibility of pole vaulting tomorrow. Unfortunately, many people, having received the trauma of rejection - having learned about the betrayal of a partner, try to save face - behave as if nothing had happened, maintain the same pace and rhythm of life. nine0003
Mental anguish costs strength - do not consider it weakness. Don't consider it a lack of will. Stop reproaching yourself for the fact that your heart is not made of stone , for the fact that you loved and probably still love.
Emotional experiences cost strength, and these forces need to: a) spend less, b) replenish more. You can spend less by postponing or removing from your life some things that are not the most necessary and not too pleasing to you.
Make up for more - pampering yourself, taking care of yourself, giving yourself little joys: everything that is available to you, everything that can cause at least some positive emotion. A cup of your favorite tea? Book? A conversation with a close friend? Sport? Taking care of yourself is the first and surest remedy. nine0003
Don't be alone
Ask for help from people you trust. Create a list of people who can come to your aid. Perhaps someone can distract you and take you to the cinema. Someone to lend money if needed. Someone can just sit next to you while you cry. Most importantly, don't be silent and don't be alone. Who can you call in critical moments? Maybe someone will look for a psychologist for you, and someone will bring valerian.
Don't isolate yourself. nine0003
But! In no case do not share your feelings with people who are trying to explain to you that you yourself are to blame.
Do not listen to anyone's version of why what happened to you and your couple or family happened. All people look at the situation through the filters of their experience, but no one knows it better than you, so advice is of little relevance here. Often, when infidelity occurs, the injured party tries to rely on the extended family: on their relatives or partner. Unfortunately, in our reality, this is one of the surest ways to get additionally injured. The relatives of your partner or partner, and even your own, are people who probably care about both you and your half. So it is more difficult for them than for anyone else to remain neutral in this situation. Their first reaction may be - why is he/she doing this to you? It may seem to them that if they find the cause in you, then everything can be corrected through you. Don't let these kinds of thoughts enter your brain.
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Physical activity
Mandatory. Any sport available to you, as well as long walks. Even if you don't want to get out of bed and move. Even if there is no money for a subscription to a fitness room. Move. Leave early and walk a couple of stops. Turn on the music and dance. Run in the morning. Push up from the floor. Even a few squats - and they will save every time they "cover".
Nutrition
Yes, this is one of the important components in the fight against acute stress. You need to eat, even if you don't feel like it. Four times a day - and make sure that the food is varied and includes fruits and vegetables. If you are one of those who tend to "seize stress", especially follow the usefulness of the diet. And drink more water. Imagine you are experiencing stress right now. nine0021 Your body works like a small biochemical factory, in your blood now, most likely, is a cocktail of stress hormones . Meals and liquids (healthy liquids, not alcohol!) reduce their concentration in the blood, and it becomes easier.
Pharmaceuticals
If you have difficulty with sleep, appetite, you experience irritation, lethargy, tearfulness, then you should not neglect a visit to a doctor: a therapist, neurologist or psychiatrist. It is they who can prescribe sedatives, sleeping pills, and nervous system strengthening agents that are right for you. nine0003
A doctor is needed for more than just writing a prescription. The reaction to the drug is always individual. The specialist must remain in contact with you to understand how you will react to this or that remedy, so that he can adjust the dose or change the remedy in case of intolerance.
Dealing with obsessive thoughts
Many cheating survivors complain that they can't get rid of the thoughts that creep into their heads uncontrollably - about the partner, about what happened, how much they deserved it and why it all happened. This "thinking chewing gum" does not give rest, interferes with concentration and work, and with a rich imagination, it can give rise to more and more fears.
One of the simple and accessible ways is to talk about what happened with a person who is accessible to you, reasonable and on your side. Talking to friends or girlfriends - it helps, but only partly. nine0003
There are other ways: for example, write letters to your abuser. But - and this is important! — do not give them to him. The technology is quite simple: you write a letter to the wrong partner / partner or to the one with whom they were unfaithful to you. Write without censorship, without restraint in expressions, without choosing a style. Pour on paper everything that is and how it is. Then you put this letter aside (just make sure that it does not catch the addressee's eyes), take it the next day, read it as if you were the recipient. Then answer yourself / yourself on his or her behalf in the way you think you would be answered, also without choosing expressions. In a day, take this answer, read it as if you were really answered, and write your own on it. And so you can "correspond" until you run out of emotions or some logic of what happened and how you feel about it becomes visible in the letters.
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If you get stuck while doing this task - you write for a long time, get even more upset, then limit yourself in time. Set a timer for 10-15 minutes and tell yourself that this is the time in which you should express your thoughts. As soon as it rings, you stop, even if the phrase breaks off in mid-sentence. It also helps to keep a diary if you like this way. Better not arbitrarily, but using diary practices.
Pleasures
Cheating devastates emotionally. Perhaps you will have days when it will seem to you that there is not a drop of joy left in the world. It is all the more important during this period to turn to everything that you love and that brings this joy. To every possible little thing. Delicious cake? Extra hour of sleep? Favourite song? Imagine that in your place, in exactly the same situation as you are now, there was someone very dear to you and loved. Your girlfriend, sister or even daughter. And her reactions are the same as yours now.
How would you take care of her? What would you like to do for her? If you have an answer, do it for yourself. A massage, a new haircut, shopping - all means are good if they make you happy. nine0003
Sleep disturbance is one of the most alarming signs that should not be ignored. In a dream, we restore our resources, and a stressful situation spends them many times over. So you need more sleep. Nightmares at first time are normal, but if you fall asleep badly and wake up in a bad and depressed mood, if your sleep is interrupted, if you jump up from something like panic or pain in your heart and cannot fall asleep for a long time - then pay attention to the point about pharmaceuticals and to the next paragraph. nine0003
"Eat Pray Love"
Don't take this literally. This phrase is the title of a book by Elizabeth Gilbert, in which the heroine makes sense of herself after a divorce. The central message of the book is simple - life is wonderful and it goes on no matter what.
Try new things consciously and thoughtfully. New experiences, new people, new places - everything you come into contact with will allow you to learn something new about yourself. What do you like or dislike. What are they capable of or not. Live, not just
walk through the days as a gray shadow and meet the world around you. Even if traveling, changing jobs and other life circumstances are not available to you, you can always organize novelty with less effort: move furniture, change curtains. Once I talked with a person who considers himself a shaman, and received advice.
When we walk around the apartment along the same paths, and along the street - the same routes, then we become visible to demons, and they pursue us, and with them - troubles and sorrows. So confuse your demons! Park in an unusual place, go to the store the other way, change the brand of perfume - shake it off yourself, because the demons are looking for us by the smell of sadness that has settled on the usual routes of our soul.
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I don't have to be a shaman to tell you that our brains are neuroplastic. When we "feed" it with new things - tastes, touches, impressions, activities - it builds new neural connections, and the more of them, the easier it is for us.
Expert help
It's not a shame! You must understand that the nervous system may need the same attention as, say, the skeletal system, that is, your skeleton. If you twist your finger or break your hand, you will definitely go to the doctor. If your nervous system fails, you need a doctor too! If you cannot get sleep for a long time, you have increased anxiety, depressed mood, irritability, loss of appetite, unwillingness to communicate with people, apathy, headaches, panic attacks (rapid heartbeat, fear, lump in the throat, it is difficult to breathe - as if out of the blue), suicidal thoughts - you need a therapist or psychiatrist. The word "psychiatrist" in this context does not mean that something is wrong with you or that you are crazy.
The spectrum of diseases that are not diseases of the mind, but are diseases of situations - reactions to acute grief, to catastrophic events - are treated with medication, this is the medical field. And to help you get through the loss, experience strong feelings and make new plans - all this can be done with a psychologist. Remember that asking for help in a difficult situation is not a sign of weakness. nine0021 The ability to calculate one's strength and understand their limit is a sign of adulthood . And, most importantly, in the most difficult moments, remember: the night is darkest just before dawn. Everything really does pass.
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Elizabeth Gilbert
10 psychologist's advice to cheated husbands and wives
The topic of betrayal is actually much more relevant than is commonly believed. People usually do not want to talk about them, trying to survive the betrayal of their husband or wife on their own.
It's so embarrassing to admit that you've been cheated on. It's like signing your own inferiority. nine0003
However, trying to keep everything to yourself is not a good idea. In this case, time does not work for the person who survived the betrayal, but rather against him. In other words, the problem can get worse over time if you do nothing at all and wait for everything to “resolve” by itself.
Pay attention! According to statistics (yes, this is also being done), women and men cheat with about the same frequency. Despite the prevailing stereotype that husbands cheat more often. nine0003
For whom it is more difficult to survive the pain of betrayal
Men tend to have a harder time coping with the role of "cuckold". Most of them are not prone to tantrums - screaming, sobbing and accusations are not their thing. Women, by virtue of their emotionality, endure the pain of betrayal more easily, largely due to their violent reaction.
“Blowing off steam”, a woman quickly copes with feelings and tries to live on.
This is confirmed by statistical data: the female sex is experiencing divorce, betrayal and parting with less psychological trauma. nine0003
Pay attention! Modern men are more likely to seek help from psychologists. They no longer hesitate to talk about their grief.
Stages of experiencing betrayal
| No. | stage | duration nine0149 | Feel |
| one | shock, denial | 2 minutes - several days | Regardless of the presence or absence of direct evidence, the search for excuses for the spouse begins. "What are you thinking, you're out of your mind." Shock makes it difficult to think clearly and believe that treason has occurred nine0003 |
| 2 | Self accusations | Several hours - several days, sometimes weeks | “I’m not good enough in appearance / as a lover”, “I don’t cook well”, “I don’t know how to receive guests. |
| 3 | Anger at a partner and a homeowner | Usually a few weeks (at least) | There is a "legitimate" anger at the spouse and his passion, threatening to develop into a desire for revenge. You should not do nasty things to your mistress, scandal - this will further worsen family relations nine0003 |
| 4 | Hopelessness, no future | May take up to several months | All plans and ideas about the future are crumbling. There is no understanding of how to live on |
| five nine0003 | The desire to return everything as it was | Willingness to forgive, often apparent. Trying to get back into your comfort zone by sacrificing yourself. | |
| 6 | Realization that the past cannot be returned nine0003 | It is difficult for a woman to forget betrayal, she often remembers her husband's betrayal and cannot trust him again, as before. | |
| 7 | emptiness | 6 months approx. | The spouses are tired of pretending that everything is fine, they are exhausted physically and mentally, they begin to go with the flow. But it's not over yet nine0003 |
| eight | denouement | 6-12 months | The couple decides whether to accept the situation and stay together, or leave |
” If you fix the "flaw", then everything will work out? Useless self-digging that will not help save the relationship nine0003 
It happens that everything really gets better, after treason comes a new "honeymoon" Dealing with cheating
First of all, you need to calm down and pull yourself together (we know this is not easy).
It is necessary to find out the extent of the problem and outline a plan of action by answering yourself to 5 questions: nine0003
- Did you find out about the betrayal from reliable sources? Is there any evidence that the beloved really turned out to be a traitor?
- The guy confessed himself, did someone tell you, or did you catch the traitor red-handed?
- If the husband did not confess, did you tell him about your suspicions?
- How is he going to live on - go to another woman or stay in the family?
There are several answers to the last question: nine0003
- the husband goes to his mistress;
- works on 2 fronts - is not going to leave his wife and continues his relationship with his mistress;
- experiences his betrayal, leaves his mistress, asks for forgiveness;
- does not want to stay with either his wife or his mistress - he leaves both.
The most difficult is the second option, despite the seeming horror of the first.
To come to terms with the betrayal of her husband and continue to live with him is more difficult than to leave. nine0332A person living on 2 fronts creates a love triangle, thereby heating up the family situation to the limit. And if he just goes to a new woman, then it’s easier to forget the traitor’s husband. Out of sight, out of mind.
The third option at first glance may seem the most profitable, but in practice it is very difficult to forgive the betrayal of a loved one and not every woman succeeds.
The fourth option, when a man goes nowhere, occurs in isolated cases. He certainly needs psychological help himself. nine0003
Emergency psychological help: how to survive betrayal
Psychologists advise to act according to the plan in order to quickly and adequately endure the pain of betrayal. Instructions for facilitating the latter include several sequential steps.
Offer to leave
Even if you don't intend to.
It is important to make it clear to the traitor that you do not intend to tolerate his behavior. Say that you are ready to let him go on all four sides if he lacks something in family life. nine0003
Otherwise, your partner may subconsciously perceive your attitude as permissiveness and go for another betrayal.
Protect personal space
Ideally, you should go somewhere - not necessarily far away, at least to relatives or a friend. If there is nowhere to go, at least move your husband out or go to live in another room yourself. Push the boundaries of personal space and do not let the traitor into it at least for a while. nine0003
No antidepressants
Save the medicines as a last resort. It can help to talk with a loved one to whom you could trust your experiences. Modern psychology offers many ways to get rid of obsessive thoughts about betrayal, so you can turn to a psychologist.
Who broke, to build
If desired, the cheating husband will try to return you and make every effort to do so.
Active attempts to restore relations on your part will only make things worse. But the main thing is that they significantly increase the risk of relapse. nine0003
Accept the obvious
Sooner or later, you will have to come to terms with treason, without this it is impossible to move on. If a partner prefers another to you, this is his choice, and he must be reckoned with. It is impossible to return love by persuasion or with the help of ultimatums, blackmail.
Don't blame yourself
“I spent little time with my husband”; “badly/rarely cooked”; “I stopped following fashion”, etc., - women often think so, writing down someone else's betrayal at their own expense. Men, on the other hand, can endlessly ask for forgiveness, present surprises and give gifts. It won't make your life better, quite the contrary. nine0003
It is impossible to respond with positive actions to the negative actions of a partner. He may subconsciously feel that he is loved only when he is unfaithful.
That is, the reaction is consolidated, as in the case of Pavlov's dog, when something like a reflex is formed.
How to survive a cheating wife: advice from a psychologist
Only in jokes can female adultery cause laughter: a husband returns from a business trip, and a lover is in the closet. In practice, not every man is so stress-resistant as to just laugh at the situation. nine0003
Cheating is always a psychological trauma, which is not easy for the vast majority of men to cope with. Unlike women, they cannot “cry” to a friend, it is difficult for them to tell anyone about what happened.
Example
The wife told about her betrayal herself, having come from the next corporate party. According to her, she met an old love there and could not resist. The husband could not decide for a long time what to do, because before that everything was fine. The situation seemed so difficult to him that he could not stand it and called a psychologist.
Together they made a plan, talked about the problem, and the husband decided to give his wife a chance. nine0003
Look for an excuse
Nothing happens just like that, there are always reasons, including for treason. Try to look for the reason and come to some conclusion why this happened. The hike of the second half to the left is a reason to think. Thinking it over calmly, you will see that everything happened only for the best.
There is no right or wrong
Don't blame yourself or her for what happened. Guilt is destructive, it has a detrimental effect not only on relationships, but also on health. nine0003
Treason is a fait accompli and must be accepted. No need to compare yourself with the one your wife or girlfriend preferred. Tormenting yourself with such comparisons, scrolling the situation over and over again, you will not be able to return the past, the pain will not go away. Let go of guilt.
Don't make hasty decisions
Despite a strong offense, it’s still not worth chopping from the shoulder.
Give yourself time to think, pause so you don't regret your choice later. It is best to think away from the traitor until you are sure of your decision. nine0003
Cheating does not mean that the relationship is over and cannot be saved.Discuss cheating together
It is not necessary to go to friends or relatives with your trouble, you can talk with your wife and find out what motivated her. So you will quickly get an answer to the painful question of who is really to blame.
During the conversation, try not to blame anyone. If the dialogue does not add up, speak in turn, expressing your complaints to each other. In this way, many problems, sometimes quite unexpected, can be identified. nine0003
How to survive betrayal and save a family
So, your goal is to save the family, no matter what. The question of parting is not even raised. Then the step by step plan is:
- Be quiet. Do not talk about your partner's betrayal to anyone - mom, dad, friends, work colleagues.
Because they will definitely remind you of it sooner or later, and your task is to forget it faster and faster. In addition, with your confession, you can cause not only sympathy, but also gloating. This is where advice about getting moral support won't work. nine0309
- The main and, perhaps, the most difficult task is to forgive. To make it easier to endure grief, especially alone, use all available methods - get distracted, work, go out with friends, play sports and meditate. If you think you can fix something in yourself - try this.
- Talk to your spouse, then write down everything that made him unhappy. Just write, because the usual process of thinking is not very effective. Answer the following questions:
- What claims have I heard?
- what exactly did the husband want, what desires were hidden behind offensive words?
- what needs to be done to satisfy desires?
The last point is the most difficult. It is better if the partner himself says what exactly he expects from you.
Example
Sergey constantly accused Svetlana of always not being at home. “For you, work is more important than family!” he often shouted, knowing that his wife was delayed through no fault of her own. A few months later, it turned out that Sergei was cheating on Sveta with a girlfriend. nine0003
FAQ
How realistic is it to maintain a relationship after infidelity?
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This is quite feasible if the one who was cheated on behaves correctly. The injured party should not throw tantrums, take revenge on traitors, defiantly swallow sedatives and blame themselves for everything. Often in the mind of the "traitor" there is a serious reassessment of values. It is possible that feelings will flare up with renewed vigor. nine0003
When is the best time to break up?
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The desire to maintain a relationship should be mutual. If one of the couple is not ready, then it is unlikely that they will be able to save the family boat.
